Chapter 59: Mommy

A/N: This chapter covers the same time period as chapter 58.

Also, this chapter puts this story over the 250k mark (excluding author's notes)! I never thought I'd write a story this long!

Trigger warning: mentions of PTSD

Maura
Friday night

"Jane!" Maura called after Jane, who had just barreled past her. Jane either didn't hear her or didn't care, and even if it was the later, Maura couldn't blame her.

There were very few times in her life that Maura could remember feeling this terrible. As soon as her brain caught up to her mouth, Maura instantly regretted everything that she had just said to Jane. She didn't even believe the things that she said. Maybe it would have been one thing if she really did believe that Jane was a reckless parent or that it had been a mistake to leave Emma and Finn with her. The way she said it still wouldn't have been okay, but at least then, it would have been the truth.

But Maura didn't believe that.

Maura had a lot of regrets in her life, but Jane being her daughters' mother was absolutely not one of them. Jane was a wonderful parent. In fact, she had far surpassed anything that Maura had even dared to hope for when she left Emma and Finn with Jane.

She knew that she said those things to hurt Jane. She knew that she was going after Jane's worst fears. She had done it before – after everything that had happened with Agent Dean and Paddy Doyle, Maura had attacked Jane's biggest insecurities at the time: her intelligence and class. It was Maura's very last line of defense when she was hurting. Very few people had seen this side of her, and it was one of the things she hated the most about herself.

This was so much worse, though, than anything she had done or said to hurt someone before, especially someone she loved.

What Maura didn't know was why she had done it. Emotions were running high all evening, but Emma was okay. Kids got hurt; Maura knew that. It would actually probably be odd if all four girls made it to adulthood without at least one of them breaking a bone. She wanted them to be kids. She wanted them to have a childhood – a fun, amazing childhood – and that's exactly what they were getting.

Maura knew that she should go after Jane since she was absolutely the one who had screwed up here, but she couldn't do it. She knew she was acting cowardly. She knew Jane deserved better, but she just didn't have it in her.

She tried to bury her fear and hurt as she finished getting ready for bed and climbed under the covers. She wanted Jane to come back, but at the same time, she was terrified for when she did. Maura couldn't help but wonder if she had just ruined everything.

Saturday morning

Maura didn't sleep that night. She tossed and turned all night long, alternating between quiet tears, sheer panic, and unrelenting numbness.

She finally gave up sleep a little after 5am, deciding to go for a run. While she was pretty sure that Jane was in the house, she knew she couldn't leave without making sure. However, after searching most of the house, she started to worry. The only thing that could make the last twelve hours worse would be if Jane had left the house in her hurt and anger and something happened to her.

Fortunately, Maura found Jane in the last place that she looked – sound asleep in Emma's bed with both girls in her arms. Tears instantly burned her eyes as she closed the door as quietly as possible, not wanting to wake any of them. She tried to wipe away the tears as she returned downstairs. Before she left, she left a note on the counter to let Jane know where she had gone, but she wasn't entirely sure whether Jane would care.

So, Maura ran. She ran until she had nothing left. She ran until exhaustion forced her to stop. She ran harder, longer, and farther than she had in years.

When she arrived home, the house was still quiet; everyone still asleep. She tip-toed through the house, back to the master bathroom where she turned on the shower. As soon as she stepped under the hot stream, her tears returned in full force, so she let them fall.

Eventually, she was sobbing so hard that she had to sit. She curled into the fetal position with the hot water of the shower raining down on her back. She hated herself for how much she knew she must have hurt Jane, but she was also terrified that she had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to her.

Maura probably would have hidden away all day if it weren't for the kids, but she knew that they must be awake by now and probably wondering where she was. That didn't stop her from taking a painstakingly long time to finish getting ready.

By the time Maura emerged from the master bedroom, she could hear the girls happily talking and giggling downstairs. The sound was almost enough to make her start crying again, but she forced herself to bury her emotions.

"Mommy!" Harper cried out excitedly when she noticed Maura walking into the room. "Mama made pancakes. We saved you some!"

Maura forced a smile on her face as she approached the table. Jane didn't even turn to look at her as she joined them.

If the kids noticed that Maura and Jane didn't look at each other, let alone talk to each other, throughout breakfast, they didn't say anything. Maura and Jane both did their best to interact normally with the kids, and they were mostly successful. The kids' energy and happiness were the best distractions Maura could think of to avoid the tension between her and Jane.

"Em, I gotta give you your medicine," Jane said as the kids started to get up from the table. "Let's do it by the sink."

Emma followed Jane to the kitchen, closely followed by Finn, while Harper and Sophie started playing with their dolls in the family room. Maura decided to start the dishes. Before she realized it, Emma and Finn had joined their sisters in the family room, and Maura was left alone in the kitchen with Jane.

Maura took a deep breath and turned to Jane, but Jane refused to meet her eye. "Jane, can…can we talk?" Maura asked shakily. She wasn't sure how she expected Jane to respond – maybe with anger, maybe with relief – but she did not expect the deep fear she heard in Jane's voice.

Jane hesitated before shaking her head. Still not looking up at Maura, Jane replied, "I…I can't. I know we need to, but I can't do it yet. I'm too angry. I'll say something I'll regret. I still love you, Maura. Nothing will ever change that, but right now, I also hate you. I can't even look at you, let alone talk to you."

Maura wrapped her arms around herself protectively as she tried not to cry. "Okay," she whispered, nodding her head to agree to Jane's request. "But Jane, I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean…"

"Stop!" Jane whispered harshly. "I can't do this right now, especially not with the girls twenty feet away."

Maura glanced at the kids playing in the other room. "I…yes…I'm sorry. I'll give you some space," Maura stumbled. "I…I'll find something to do today…out of the house."

Jane nodded, still not looking at Maura. Maura turned to walk to the family room to tell the kids she was going out when Jane spoke again. "You could go see Cailin and Oliver," Jane said. Maura opened and closed her mouth a few times, not sure how to respond. Just when she decided not to say anything, Jane added, "Just…just please be home for dinner. Otherwise, the kids will be upset."

"I will," Maura promised, and this time when Maura turned to leave, Jane didn't say anything.

Twenty minutes later, Maura was driving to her sister's house. Cailin had enthusiastically agreed when Maura asked if she could come visit her and the baby.

As soon as Maura walked through Cailin's front door, Cailin gratefully placed Oliver in Maura's arms, and Maura smiled the first real smile she had since the previous day.

"I wasn't expecting anyone to stop by today, so the house is kinda a mess," Cailin said apologetically as she led Maura into the kitchen.

"It's fine, really," Maura said, not taking her eyes off of her nephew.

Cailin laughed, clearly noticing Maura's distraction. "So, um, I really want to spend some time with you, but I was kinda wondering if I could take a quick shower first. I just fed him, so he should sleep for a little while. I know that's super rude, but…"

"It's not rude at all," Maura said quickly, finally looking up at Cailin. "I remember the newborn stage. I would love to spend time with Oliver while you shower."

"Thank you!"

"And Cailin, take as long of a shower as you want," she added with a laugh. "Take advantage of my presence while you can."

"Thank you!" Cailin repeated.

Maura sat on the couch with Oliver still in her arms. She loved just watching him sleep. She had no idea how much time had passed when Cailin returned, dressed in clean clothes with her damp hair around her shoulders.

"Oh my god, you have no idea how good that felt!" Cailin said as she plopped on the couch next to Maura.

Maura chuckled. "You know, Jane and I are willing to help…" Maura started, but she paused when she realized that she had probably lost the right to talk about her and Jane as a unit.

"Maura?" Cailin cut through Maura's thoughts.

"Sorry," Maura said, shaking her head to clear it before attempting to distract herself again with the baby in her arms.

"Is everything okay?" Cailin asked.

"It's…" Maura started to attempt to lie, but her voice instantly gave her away. "You have enough going on. You don't need my problems on top of a newborn."

"Maura, I spend 24/7 with an infant," Cailin said. "I could definitely use an adult conversation. Besides, I'm your sister, so lay it on me."

Maura didn't take her eyes off of Oliver as she spoke, "I messed up."

"Did you cheat on Jane?" Cailin asked in shock.

"What? No!" Maura said, whipping her head around to look at her sister in disbelief. "Of course not!" But after a few seconds, her indignation dissipated, and she deflated. "I may have managed to hurt Jane even worse, though."

"Geez, what did you do?"

"I said some hurtful things that I didn't mean," Maura replied quietly.

"What did you say?"

"I…I don't think I can repeat it," Maura whispered.

Cailin opened her mouth to respond when Oliver started to fuss, diverting their conversation. Maura spent most of the day helping Cailin, but they didn't return to their discussion. Maura tried to think of the various tasks that she remembered being difficult to complete when Sophie was a newborn. She did a few loads of laundry as well as the dishes, but she also spent time just holding Oliver.

"Thanks for all your help today," Cailin said as she followed Maura to the front door. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm sorry we didn't get to talk more, though."

Maura knew that Cailin was referring to their earlier conversation about her fight with Jane, but she didn't know what to say, so she just shrugged.

"Well, if you need to get away again, you can always come here," Cailin said.

"Thank you," Maura replied before they said their goodbyes.

Saturday evening

Maura tried to gauge Jane's emotional state all evening as they had dinner and a movie night with the kids. She was really hoping that Jane would be willing to talk after the kids went to bed, but since Jane wouldn't so much as look at her, her hopes weren't high.

After kissing Harper and Sophie goodnight, Maura found Jane in the kitchen. As she walked downstairs, she decided that maybe she needed to give Jane more space before asking her to talk again, so even though she didn't want to, she had to give Jane the option to have her room and her house back. The one thing she really didn't want to do was split up the girls.

"You should have your bedroom back," Maura said. "I'll sleep in the guest room. I can look into a hotel room tomorrow if you'd like, but can Sophie stay? I don't want…"

"No!" Jane almost yelled. Lowering her voice back to a normal volume, she continued, "I mean, yes to Sophie staying, but no to the rest. This is Sophie's house, and this is your house, and it's not my bedroom, it's our bedroom."

Hope flooded Maura's heart when Jane said it was her house and bedroom too, but her next words squashed that hope almost instantly.

"Maura, I don't know what's going to happen. I honestly don't know if this is something we can get past, but if there's any chance, then I don't want the girls to know we're fighting. There's no moving out and then moving back in a few days or weeks later. I won't play with their emotions like that. We both know that that kind of action will have a much larger effect on them than it would on most kids."

Maura knew Jane was right. The kids already had varying levels of separation anxiety, Maura staying in a hotel would only make that worse.

"Besides, if you think I'm such a terrible parent, how could you possibly leave them with me?" Jane snapped, and Maura felt the little control she had over her emotions crack.

"I don't think that," Maura said angrily, tears pouring down her face. "You're a wonderful mother, Jane. I…"

"You can't lie!" Jane hissed. "So, which is it? Am I wonderful mother or a was it a mistake to leave the kids with me?"

"You're an absolutely amazing mother, and I don't regret leaving them with you. I regret leaving. I will never regret you," Maura replied, anger and frustration evident in her tone.

"Why do I not believe you?" Jane said angrily, her voice dripping with sarcasm. Jane watched the frustration grow on Maura's face until suddenly, she couldn't take it anymore. "I'm not doing this right now," Jane growled. "I'm going to bed."

Maura didn't try to stop her, and she didn't follow her either. She spent the next ninety minutes trying to distract herself from her swirling emotions, but in the end, it was futile. She did, however, make sure to do as Jane asked and join her in bed for the night.

Sunday afternoon

Maura tried to hide her emotions as their family arrived for Sunday dinner. She was just hoping to make it through dinner without incident and without anyone asking her if she was okay – because she definitely was not okay.

After dinner, Maura was sitting off to the side playing chess with TJ. She wasn't as good as Jane or Tommy, but he wasn't bad. Tommy pulled over a chair, placing it backwards next to the table. He straddled the chair and rested his arms on the back of the chair, his eyes sweeping the board.

"Aunt Maura's going to beat me in seven moves," TJ told his father, and Maura looked up in surprise.

"That's very impressive," Maura said, causing TJ to smile proudly.

Tommy chuckled. "He's been playing with Janie for years," he told her, and he clearly noticed Maura's reaction to hearing Jane's name. "Okay, you and Jane haven't looked at each other once tonight. Usually, you're all over each other. What gives?"

Maura shifted nervously in her seat. "We had a fight," Maura admitted, not wanting to say more in front of TJ.

Tommy paused for a few minutes, clearly thinking about how to best respond. "Do you remember what you told me when you and Janie fought all those years ago?"

"When you were hitting on me?" Maura asked.

"Eww, dad, you hit on Aunt Maura?" TJ said. "That's like…ugh, that'd be like you hitting on Aunt Jane. I mean, I know it's not by blood, but Aunt Maura's your sister." Maura quickly shifted from being offended to being touched by TJ's words.

Tommy rolled his eyes and gave TJ a playful smack to the back of his head. "She wasn't dating Aunt Jane at the time, okay. I hadn't known her as long as Aunt Jane and Uncle Frankie had, so I didn't understand that she was like my sister yet," he said. "And it's really none of your business."

TJ flashed a classic Rizzoli smirk at his father.

"And for your information, she shot me down instantly," Tommy told TJ. Turning to look Maura directly in the eye, he added, "Because she always loved Aunt Jane."

Tommy stood and shooed TJ out of his chair. "Alright, you lost," he said. "Get outta here."

TJ grumbled a bit but eventually relented. Tommy took his vacated seat and began resetting the board. As he did so, he said, "Despite how mad you were at her, the only could think was how awful it was to not be talking to Jane, to not be close to her."

Tommy grabbed the two kings and switched them between his hands behind his back before holding out his fists to Maura. Maura tapped his right fist and he opened it to reveal the white king, indicating Maura would play white and go first.

"You can talk to me, Maura," Tommy said quietly.

"You're going to think I'm a terrible person," Maura whispered as she made her first move.

"I highly doubt that," Tommy replied. "You're talking to the family screw up."

"You shouldn't talk about yourself like that Tommy," Maura said quickly. "You've done so well. You're an amazing father, and you run a successful business."

"Okay, yes, thank you, but my point is, I've made my fair share of mistakes," Tommy said. "If you need to talk to someone, I'm your man."

Maura took a deep breath. She glanced around the room to make sure no one would overhear them before starting, "I was really upset on Friday when Emma broke her arm."

"That's understandable."

"Maybe, but I said some things to Jane that I didn't mean – that really hurt her."

"It's not like Jane has never lashed out when she's upset," Tommy reasoned, but Maura shook her head.

"This was…no, this was worse," Maura said. "I…" Maura closed her eyes. She still didn't want to repeat what she had said, but she needed to talk to someone. "I called her a reckless parent, and…and when she asked why I left Emma and Finn with her if I thought that, I said…god, Tommy, I feel terrible."

"You told her you wished you didn't leave the girls with her?" Tommy asked, keeping his voice neutral.

"I said, 'maybe, I made a mistake,'" she admitted. "But I didn't mean it, Tommy. I don't know why I said it, but I know I didn't mean it."

"You definitely hit where you knew it'd hurt," Tommy said, not exactly sure what to say.

"I know," Maura said defeatedly.

"Can I ask you something and you won't get offended?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure there isn't any part of it that you regret?" Tommy asked, glancing up from the board to meet Maura's eyes.

Maura thought for a moment, trying to dig through years of pain and regrets to answer truthfully. "There are times I regret leaving them," she said. "But I don't regret leaving them with Jane. I don't know if that makes sense. Logically, I know that I made the right choice, but I missed so much."

"If you'd been killed, you woulda missed even more," Tommy said bluntly.

"I do know that," Maura said. "But I can't stop thinking, 'what if they needed me and I wasn't here?' or 'what if Jane needed me and I wasn't here?' I mean, Tommy, what if something had happened to one of them, and I didn't know it. Harper was apparently sick enough at one point to be in the hospital, and I didn't even know that about her until Friday."

"Yeah, last December," Tommy said quietly. "She's okay though, Maura. It was scary; breathing issues always are, but she's okay."

"When I first arrived here…that very first day, Harper and Finn were at the door with Jane, but Emma was upstairs. For a few moments, I was sure that she had died. I was sure that something had happened to her.

"We weren't there when Emma got hurt," Maura continued. "And that scared me. I know Jane's right; they have to be kids. We can't keep them in a bubble. It…honestly, it was like a PTSD reaction." It wasn't until this moment that Maura actually made that connection. It didn't make her feel any better about what she had said to Jane, but it helped her understand herself a little bit.

"I don't know if Jane will ever forgive me," Maura admitted thickly.

"I can't speak for Janie, but there are a few things I know about her that I'm absolutely certain about. One," he said, holding up a finger, "she loves those kids more than anything and she would do anything for them." Adding a second finger, he continued, "Two, she loves you so deeply and intensely that it's at a level I can't understand. And three, she will fight to the end of time for the people that she loves."

Maura nodded tearfully, but she didn't say anything else, and eventually, their conversation turned to lighter topics.

Wednesday afternoon

Maura was pouring over an autopsy report when her phone buzzed next to her. She was slightly surprised to see Jane's name pop up on her screen. She immediately opened the text, which read: Finn got in trouble at school for pushing a kid who was calling Emma names. I just picked them up, and we are heading home.

Maura quickly cycled through a number of emotions, including annoyance at Jane for not notifying her until after she picked them up, concern for the girls, and surprise at their behavior. She thought about calling Jane, but given the current state of their relationship, she wasn't sure how that would go. Instead, she gathered her things and let Kent know that she was leaving.

Jane's car was already in the garage when Maura got home.

"Mommy's home!" Emma said excitedly when Maura walked into the house. Emma and Finn were seated at the kitchen island, and Jane was standing on the other side of the island.

Maura smiled at the girls, walking around the island to give them each a kiss and a hug. "Mama told me what happened," Maura said, still avoiding Jane's gaze. "Are you girls okay?"

"Yeah," Emma replied.

"I got in trouble," Finn added sadly. "I don't get recess for the rest of the week."

"That seems harsh," Maura said in surprise. "You were standing up to a bully."

"That doesn't make pushing okay," Jane said, and Maura's eyes snapped up to meet Jane's. "They know better."

"We're supposed to tell our teacher or another grown-up," Emma parroted what Jane had been telling them for years.

"Well, it doesn't sound like the teacher was around, and sometimes things happen when there isn't a grown-up around to help," Maura argued. "Protecting each other…protecting the people you love…that's the most important thing."

"The teacher was just on the other side of the playground," Jane said, clearly trying and failing to hide her anger.

"Don't fight!" Emma suddenly interrupted the impending argument, her voice quivering under the threat of tears.

"No, it's okay," Finn piped up, and Jane and Maura both looked at Finn in surprise. Finn was looking directly at Emma as she continued, "They're each other's safe person. They love each other so much that even when they're mean to each other it'll be okay. Just like us," she added happily.

Maura's eyes found Jane's across the island. She knew her face likely mirrored the surprise she saw on Jane's. They stared at each other for a few minutes before Jane tore her gaze from Maura to look back at Emma and Finn.

"Finn's right, bean," Jane said. "But I'm sorry, okay? Mommy and I won't fight any more. Everything's okay, though, okay?"

Emma nodded, and Finn beamed.

Jane chuckled softly. "Why don't you guys go upstairs and read for a bit?" she suggested.

Both girls easily agreed. Neither Jane nor Maura said anything until their bedroom door closed behind them.

Maura was still trying to figure out what to say when Jane spoke, "She's right."

Maura instantly looked to the side as tears sprung to her eyes. She pressed the back of her hand to her mouth in an attempt to stifle the sobs that were trying to escape.

"I guess we should talk," Jane continued after a few moments of silence. Maura nodded, still too choked up to speak. "Maybe ma will take the girls for the night."

"I think…I think that's a good idea," Maura stuttered.

Jane nodded. "I'll call her," Jane said. "Do you want to make a bag for Harper and Sophie? I can help Emma and Finn."

"Yes," Maura replied.

They both hesitated for a moment before Jane stepped into the laundry room to call her mom with a mumbled, "I don't want Emma and Finn to hear," while Maura went upstairs to pack.