Lex talionis
Chapter 12. Hidden scars
"There's... There's something I want to tell you about this morning…" said Jubal when they were a few meters away from Isobel's room.
He had been reflecting.
At first she had thought that he would never have believed her capable of something like that. But what she had told him that afternoon reminded him that Isobel could sometimes make very risky bets. She let Vargas go free to save Elise. She threatened him with Colonel Molina…
Besides, Jubal had to admit that he was not one to judge an extreme measure. He, who had offered a suspect to throw OA and Maggie under the horses to get his cooperation, who had threatened Rojas to make him talk... Who had gone so far as to consider facilitating Vargas' murder in prison... He felt bad for, even for a few moments, having believed he was morally superior to Isobel.
No. Jubal knew that both of them were well aware of the gray tone -a leaden shade of gray- of the morality of some of their decisions.
Bearing in mind what her tattoo symbolized, what she had been through with Miller, and Isobel's haunted eyes when she confessed that she planned to turn the murderer of Vargas' family over to him, Jubal now understood.
He understood why she had left New York the way she had, why she hadn't wanted to count on anyone, why she hadn't trusted him. He understood that her people were part of her compass, even if they were not on her tattoo. He understood the importance of what Isobel was determined to immolate to save them all.
The dimension of her sacrifice overwhelmed him. And it seemed very unfair to him to leave her thinking that he was not aware of it, that it did not provoke in him that overwhelming and confusing admiration.
She was looking at him somewhat apprehensive.
"I want you to know that I *don't* want you to do what you have in mind," he began. Isobel opened her mouth to reply, but he beat her to it. "However, I understand." She couldn't seem to believe it. "I understand it and respect it," Jubal insisted. They stopped at the door to her room. "You want Vargas not to threaten the lives of your people. You do want us to be safe."
A huge weight lifted from Isobel's soul, making her even feel lighter all of a sudden. Tears came to her eyes and she had to blink to keep them from falling.
"And- and you seem to me," Jubal added, his heart racing every second faster at what he saw in Isobel's eyes, "so... *so* brave that-" A lump formed in his throat that prevented him from continuing. Surely for the best, otherwise he might have said something he shouldn't have. The Rina in his mind seemed somehow pleased.
And it gave Isobel the chance to intervene.
The weight had fallen on her again even more ruthless than before. She was having a certain sense of *déjà vu*, of when Jubal had tried to talk her out of releasing Sentinel. "No, Jubal," she contradicted him with tremendous grief, "It is not something to praise. Nor is it something to be proud of."
"I know, but-"
"Do you know why Kyle died?" Isobel interrupted him.
Jubal needed a moment to recover from the seemingly abrupt change of subject.
"Hmm… According to what you told me, Vargas said that because Kyle was on 'his payroll' but wanted to quit. When he wouldn't let Kyle go, he tried to kill Vargas, didn't he?"
Where was she going with this?
Opening the door to her room, Isobel invited him in, not wanting to tell what she was going to tell him, in the middle of the hallway. She closed the door and looked him in the face.
"And do you know why Kyle wanted to quit?"
"No..."
"Because of me."
Jubal looked at her in bewilderment.
"Yeah…" sighed Isobel. "Kyle and I… We had… We were… Together," she admitted.
It was the first time she had ever talked about it to anyone other than Jess. Oh, how she missed Jess. Yeah, the tattoo of course was not enough. If it hadn't been for Jess...
Jubal's eyes widened in surprise. He knew Miller was her friend, and Jess had once mentioned, while talking about Angelyne, that Isobel had also lost her significant other in the past... But it hadn't occurred to him that it might be *him*...
"I know," she said at his expression. "We kept it a secret, we hadn't been together long but... it was... We were very serious."
*I should have noticed*, reflected Jubal, in dismay. *Never before had Isobel asked for anyone to be removed from the JOC screen*. The descent into hell that she had told him about earlier that afternoon made a lot of more sense now, too.
No wonder she had mistrusted Ethan and had serious trust issues. Jubal didn't even want to think about what it would be like to be in love with someone and find out they weren't who you thought they were. And on top of that, like this.
Despite the years that had passed, thinking about Kyle was still extremely painful for Isobel. She had been very much in love, and he with her. Never before she had experienced with anyone the affinity, the passion between them. It had been the happiest time of her life. The void he had left inside Isobel was a barren, bleak wasteland.
But the day Vargas told her he'd had Kyle in his pocket for years, when they found the account in the Cayman Islands, everything Isobel thought she knew about him lost its solidity, turning even the happiest memories into crumbling ruins. Although, knowing that, certain things added up now more than they did then, when Kyle's lifeless body was found.
A grimace escaped her. "I think... I think Kyle was feeling worse and worse about himself. He wanted to have a future with me. But being involved with Vargas made it impossible."
"Why… do you think that?" Jubal asked not understanding.
Isobel's eyes lost their sparkle almost completely. "I remember that he brought up the subject several times from a hypothetical point of view and I openly considered it a despicable act. A disgrace."
"That's because… it is." Jubal muttered.
Lost in the past, Isobel didn't hear him.
"Kyle probably found himself cornered. He was very tense in the days before his death. I didn't know what was wrong with him; I couldn't get him to tell me." She closed her eyes, devastated. "It was too late. I had been too radical. I didn't really give him a chance to confess."
Frustrated, Jubal studied the anguish in her beautiful features.
It was very much like her to blame herself, but Jubal had serious doubts about her assumptions. It had been more than a year since Vargas had spoken to Isobel about Kyle. Something twisted inside Jubal to think that she had been gnawing at it for so long. Jubal shook his head, leaning toward her. He couldn't leave Isobel carrying that around.
"It wasn't your fault, Isobel. That Kyle decided to cut ties with Vargas without telling you of his sin, without turning himself in, was not because of what you told him," he said confidently. "It was because he didn't want to face the consequences of what he had done. Believe me," he said very seriously. His past self was somewhat mirrored in Kyle, from when he had been unfaithful. "I know well what I'm talking about."
Isobel blinked in puzzlement.
"What do you mean?"
Jubal sighed. It was about time he told her about it. As ignominious as it was. And better not beat around the bush.
"Sam and I got divorced because I cheated on her with Rina," Jubal stated flatly. Isobel looked at him in shock. "For a while I lied and justified myself. And I drank. Because I was afraid to tell Sam; because I knew I would lose her and the children." It was very painful to see the shadow of reproach in Isobel's eyes, but she went on. "I spent a lot of time making things worse just because I wouldn't assume that I'd already lost them. The moment I cheated on her the first time." Jubal had to swallow hard, forcing himself to gulp down his own shame. "I'm pretty sure what Kyle did... Because I committed similar cowardice."
Isobel's eyes filled with tears and denial. He saw her grit her teeth.
"We all make mistakes, damn it! Who is without sin to cast the first stone?" she said to no one in particular and eased lightly Jubal's fear that he would had lost her respect. "I- I also feel just as *cornered*", she lamented. "I can't help but wonder if this is how Kyle felt..."
"Please, Isobel," he replied, a bit exasperated. It's not the same situation at all. Kyle just wanted to get away with it. You-"
"And what's the difference?" she cut him off. "I just can't let anything happen to either of you. I have to do *something*! Even if that something..."
The deep despair in her eyes cut off Jubal's breath.
"I know," he struggled to say. "Believe me I know. I know very well what you want to *sacrifice*." He paused to gather what momentum he could muster. "That's why I'm going to do everything I can so you don't have to. Trust me for a change," he pleaded.
Isobel's gaze was suddenly plagued with raw fear.
"Jubal-"
Raising a hand, he asked to be allowed to continue. "And I don't have to either." he tried to reassure her. "I'll find a way so no one else has. No. We'll find it *together*," he claimed, approaching her with overwhelming optimism and taking her by the shoulders. "You and I".
Frowning, Isobel seemed at a loss for words.
Clearing his throat, Jubal released her and pulled away again. The corner of his mouth quirked up slightly in the beginnings of an encouraging smile.
"Shouldn't you feel a little more relieved by now...?" he asked between insecure and joking. He couldn't help himself and gently caressed her arm above her elbow. You are not alone, Isobel," he assured her from the bottom of his soul in a voice that seemed to cuddle her.
Isobel's heart was pounding unusually hard in her chest, simply marveling at how Jubal had ignited a bright star of hope within her.
Overcome by an irresistible impulse of affection, Isobel put her hand on his cheek. Their gazes were intertwined. She wondered what she had done to deserve his unconditional support.
He had lost so much because of her mistakes... His children had been threatened. He had lost the woman he loved, and with her, his happiness. He had almost been killed. Twice. Isobel didn't think she would ever be able to redeem that guilt. The answer for Isobel was clear: No. She *didn't* deserve it.
And she was terrified that Jubal would once again pay the consequences of her wrong decisions. She was tempted to run away, to push him away from her again. But... she didn't. She couldn't. Isobel had no choice but to stay with him… because she must honor his loyalty, however undeserved and inexplicable.
So she allowed herself to be guided by that sparkling star.
"Yes, we'll make it together," said Isobel with conviction, and slowly withdrew her hand.
Jubal, who had felt that caress in his very heart although his mental Rina was still there with a reproachful look on her face, beamed with shining eyes. Despite her fear and guilt, Isobel let his smile rub off on her.
Before the silence became awkward, Jubal gave a small nod of satisfied assent and let out a shaky sigh as he opened the door. "OK... I'll let you rest. We'll talk tomorrow."
Isobel really wanted to thank him, but did not. No words would contain the depth of meaning she would have liked to give them.
"Sleep well, Jubal," she said in a voice so soft it was just sweet.
"You too. Good night, Isobel," he replied in the same tone just before he closed the door.
·~·~·
Still feeling a pleasant tingle on his face, and in his heart, Jubal went into his room and finally turned on his cell phone, which had been off since the previous day. Before dinner, he had managed to remember to ask Isobel for her charger and to leave it charging while he was out.
He wasn't surprised to have piles of missed calls and unread messages. Mostly they were from Sam. He checked that they were all from before he had spoken to her in the morning, and just skimmed them over. Maggie, OA and Stuart had asked him several times to get in touch. They were worried, and that was also expected.
He wasn't surprised to have piles of missed calls and unread messages. Mostly they were from Sam. He checked that they were all from before he had spoken to her in the morning, and just skimmed them over. Maggie, OA and Stuart had asked him several times to get in touch. They were worried, and that was also expected.
But then he saw something that really alarmed him. He had a text from Kristen, a few hours old. It said tersely, "Call me. It's an emergency."
He didn't even think about it, calling her immediately, while cursing himself for not being able to see it sooner.
"Jubal!" she greeted him in an excited voice as soon as she took the call.
"Kristen! Are you okay? What happened?"
"Relax. I'm OK."
"What is the emergency?" Jubal asked anxiously; he heard her sigh and became even more worried.
"You. You are," Kristen said plainly.
Jubal did not answer; he was hesitating whether to hang up immediately.
"I'm sorry for the dirty trick and the scare," she explained, "but I knew about your accident. You were wounded and had disappeared. I *needed* to know that you were all right."
The tone of her friend's voice, openly dismayed, touched Jubal.
"Kristen…" He exhaled and decided not to hang up. "I'm fine," he replied displeased. "Did Maggie tell you?
"Yes, she turned to me. Are you with Isobel?"
"Yeah, she's all right too. Did Maggie ask you to... set this trap for me?"
"No, she didn't. It was my idea, actually. What are you both doing? Where are you guys?"
That was what interrupted that unspoken exchange of questions and answers. Jubal thought about it for a moment and changed the dynamic.
"You've become too cunning," he lamented chuckling, proud of her.
"I learned from the best…" Kristen replied, the smile in her voice audible.
"Come on, you sweet-talker," he scolded her with humor.
"Jubal, please…" her tone suddenly much more serious. "Let us help you. Surely there is something we can do."
"Kristen… Isobel doesn't want to involve anyone else."
"And you respect her judgment, I understand that. So do I."
"Her reasons are really solid."
"All right. That's her opinion. But what's yours? I also respect *your* opinion."
"My opinion might not be the same, but it would not be my trust that would be betrayed."
Kristen sighed. "All right..." she conceded, "Be very careful, please."
"Don't worry," he said, trying to be reassuring.
"Although..."
"What?"
"That it is a waste to have us all looking for you in Ciudad Acuña," she let it drop lightly, "chasing you all over México when we could be helping... Taking on the Durango cartel is no trivial matter." Her voice suddenly took on an enormous firmness. "And we're not going to stop looking for you both."
Shaking his head, Jubal smiled at everything his team had already figured out and at their determination. "So… Is that the way it is?" he said, amused.
"Yup," Kristen replied nonchalantly.
Jubal thought again. Kristen was right. "I cannot answer your questions-"
"Okay," Kristen hastened to say.
"…but maybe there is one thing you guys could help me investigate..."
"That's done."
Kristen's always dazzling smile shone through her words.
~.~.~.~