Voight took the stairs up to Intelligence, didn't bother switching on the light as he walked through the quiet office. Light from a barely risen sun had begun to slant through the windows, stretching out along the floor. He passed Lana's desk, and paused. Her bag was on top of it. Either she had forgotten it yesterday or Milani was already here.
His office was almost completely dark, the window at the back not facing the sun, and he flicked his light on. There was a couple of things he could get a jump on, sort out what his team would need for their day so they could hit the ground running.
But instead, Voight flicked the light off again.
He took the stairs back down through the precinct and entered the gym at the end of the hall.
A couple officers had claimed some of the treadmills, one leaving shift and one just coming on. The syncopated rhythm of their footsteps echoed slightly in the large room.
Milani wasn't on any of the equipment, and he stood, questioning what he was even doing here. There was work to do upstairs. He was wasting time.
The rhythmic thump of someone hitting the heavy bag reached him just as he had convinced himself to walk away.
She was at the back, around the corner next to the sparring area. She was moving, left and right jabs more quick than powerful, working on her cardio. From what he could see, she wasn't favoring her right hand at all. A damp tanktop clung to the curve of her back, dull grey leggings hugging her calves.
Her rapid fire punches barely stuttered when she spotted him.
She wasn't on the clock, if he needed her for something, he could wait. There wasn't much she was willing to let interrupt a good work out.
Finishing up her final set, Lana stepped back, chest expanding with heavy breaths. Hair had fallen free of her pony tail, slick with sweat against her neck, her cheeks high with color.
"You look good," Voight's voice rumbled with its usual gravel, and Lana's eyes shot to his as she unwrapped her hands. "Your form," he continued an intentional moment later, and she caught the slight smirk.
"Thanks," she acknowledged his comment just enough, and took a drag from her water bottle.
"This what you do every morning?" Voight asked, nodding to the bag as Lana gathered her stuff.
"No," she slung the strap of her bag over her shoulder, "Sometimes I just run. But I guess I felt like hitting something today." There was a smile as she said it, but it didn't fully take the edge off.
Maybe he should find ways to get her out of the office more. She was a good officer, and could probably use the break.
"You hit the gym like this at your old precinct?"
She hummed around her drink as she took another sip. "Sometimes, usually I just ran the shore."
"We don't have much of that around here," Voight answered dryly. "You miss it?"
She seemed to really consider his question. "You know, I didn't at first. I was prepared for it all to be so different I guess I didn't even think about missing that kind of stuff. But I've been thinking about it lately, yeah."
Her smile was softer now, thoughtful. A fondness to it that he didn't often get to see.
"Ah, thought I'd find you here." They both looked up sharply as Platt found them, and the woman spared Voight a look, "Although you're a bit of a surprise. Now, Milani," she faced Lana down squarely, "I got of group of girls coming in today for a self defense class. Part of a community outreach initiative. I need a teacher."
Lana went to respond, but Platt kept talking. "Why, that is just sweet of you to volunteer."
Lana blinked, gaze sliding to Voight and she remembered his advice. Trudy was a good one to do a favor for. She smiled tightly. "Glad to help."
Platt hummed at the sardonic edge to her voice. "Class starts at 3. You'll need a couple partners. I got that Rodney on board, the one that won't shut up about you. I'm sure he would love to take you to the mat. You'll have to find someone else too."
"I'll do it."
Platt looked like she had forgotten Voight was there, and now she sent him a high browed scowl. "Very funny."
Voight folded his arms. "Captain is always on me for Intelligence to give more back to the community. This will keep her happy for a while."
Platt raised her hands like she didn't care anymore. "Hey, whatever gets it done. Be back here at three."
They promised they would be, and Platt walked away.
Lana showered, water hot as she could get it, beating into her skin. She didn't have long. Voight had interrupted her routine. Then Platt had dropped a self defense class in her lap. It wasn't exactly the morning she had had planned. Still she made it upstairs before shift began, was working at her desk when Antonio came in.
"Judge should have that warrant for you in about an hour," She spoke as he entered, and he detoured to her.
"Oh that's great," he tapped his knuckles on her desk. "Thanks, Lana."
Antonio caught Olinsky and Attwater coming up the stairs, headed out with them to be ready for when the warrant came through. A moment later Voight and Erin took another call and Lana was left quite alone in the empty office with nothing but her thoughts and a pile of folders to stare back at her.
Voight caught the door as it closed behind Erin, checking his watch as he did so. 2:52. The call had taken much longer than he had expected and he never liked running behind.
"Head upstairs, fill in Antonio or Olinsky, and wrap this up for me. I got something to take care of."
Erin wasn't in one of her moods for once, and she didn't question him, she just jogged up the steps while Voight detoured towards the gym.
He heard Rodney before he saw them, laughing at something a little too loudly. He rounded the corner and caught them stretching, Rodney's gaze fixed on every move as Lana leaned into a back-bend.
She didn't seem to be aware, of how her shirt rode up on her flush hip and Rodney's gaze zeroed in on that sliver of bronze skin. How the slight line of her abs was visible against her shirt. Her head was back, her eyes were closed in the stretch, and Voight cleared his throat.
Rodney snapped to attention like a kid being caught in the act. "Oh, sir. Hello. Are you, will you be joining us today?"
Lana finished her stretch, rolled her shoulders back and opened her eyes, completely unperturbed by the mild embarrassment in Rodney's voice.
"It's almost three. We should head in."
Rodney led the way at her nod, and she fell in to step beside Voight. "Rodney and I will go through some demonstrations if you wouldn't mind keeping an eye on the students, seeing who might need some extra pointers."
Voight more relented than actually agreed. Lana wasn't entirely sure why he had volunteered to do this, no part of him seemed to actually want to be here. Satisfying the captain didn't really seem like a good enough reason. But he followed her down the hall without comment, pulled the door open and ushered her through it with a light hand to the small of her back. A touch barely there but she felt it through the cotton of her shirt, that unexpected press of fingertips.
She faced the gathered girls with a bright smile, introducing herself and her helpers. Some looked ready, almost too confident, some shy. Rodney set them at ease fairly well. He was funny and engaging and was a helpful energy to feed off of.
Voight walked the back wall, watching her, watching the students. Not commenting. Not involving himself at all.
There were a few basic tips she wanted to go through, what to look out for in a potential threat. Ways to be more prepared. A dozen faces watched her, listened. A group of teens paying attention as she talked because they knew they might need to know what she was saying.
It was sobering, a little heart breaking if she let it. They did their best to keep the streets safe but it was never truly enough. Or girls like these wouldn't have to show up after school just to make sure they were that much safer when they walked home.
They started in on demonstrations, how to fend off an attacker, spot them at a distance and get away. Rodney went through the motions with her, but she found herself growing frustrated. He made jokes. Came at her without any real force. She knew it was all just a demonstration but it started to feel like he wasn't taking this seriously. She couldn't show these girls anything real with what he was giving her.
It was interesting to watch, the way the girls separated so naturally. Outgoing girls pushed to the front, trying out the steps and working with eachother. Uncertain, even clumsy attempts filled the back row. One girl caught Lana's attention, straight blonde hair hung against a too thin frame, face stayed focus on the matted floor. Hands were fisted like she wanted to try but she just didn't know how.
About to approach the girl, Lana saw Voight moving up from the back, caught his nod and she held off, let him step in.
He introduced himself still several feet away from the girl. Like he knew he could have startled her. Lana watched that flash of uncertain interest when Voight offered to walk her through a few things.
A couple of the girls on the end had drifted towards where Voight was teaching the girl. She hadn't seen it in him before, that firm but gentle way about him. Careful, that's what it was. Respectful of these girls and what they wanted to achieve.
Her attention was pulled away by the sound of laughter. Some of the girls in the front had started goofing off, messing around with Rodney.
"I guess you guys are done practicing?" Lana joined Rodney at the front, and he nudged her arm.
"Oh, they've got it down," he waved a hand at the girls, and one of them cocked a hip.
"Yeah, just wait til a guy tries and messes with me."
Lana told herself to smile. Confidence was good, seeing how certain they were of themselves was something she wished she saw in every teenager, but it could be as dangerous as being completely unprepared.
"Well, practice those moves at home, and we will work on some more tomorrow."
They wrapped up the class, waved goodbye to the girls, and Rodney came to stand beside her.
"I was gonna grab a drink after shift, care to join?"
Lana wasn't in the mood for anymore fun today, but she also didn't have the patience to turn him down without an outright refusal. So she looked at Voight, a what-do-you-say? expression like she had naturally assumed Rodney's invitation was for both of them.
She wasn't quite sure how he managed it, looking completely disinterested and yet slightly amused.
"I could use a drink," he slipped his hands in his pockets, and they both turned to Rodney.
"Oh," Rodney gave an awkward chuckle, "Well I was thinking of going to Molly's..." the way he drug out the name, the way his hand smoothed the hair at the back of his head self consciously said he knew what Voight's deal was with that bar.
"Hm, well some other time then," Lana slapped his shoulder, caught Voight's eye as she turned away. That knowing look like he had seen her ploy and played it for her, it made her smile.
She ate dinner alone, left over lasagna she had thrown together yesterday. She felt good, in maybe a lazy kind of way. There was an old Spanish movie on, she had seen it a dozen of times but it reminded her off her grandmother and she let it play. Her phone stayed quiet. She hadn't heard from her partner in a couple of days, and she found herself forgetting to worry that another text from him might come through.
She fell asleep on the couch. Woke early and instantly regretted it. Her back was stiff from the awkward angle and her neck felt like turning it would seriously injure something. She stood with a groan, tossed aside the hoodie she had slept under, and shuffled into the bathroom to brush last night's lasagna off her teeth.
After ensuring a pot of coffee was on, Lana settled on her livingroom floor, let her head drop forward and felt the stretch pull tight all along her back. She stretched tall, expanding, breathing. Thoughts filtered through her slowly waking mind. What she would teach in class today. Seeing Voight work with those girls, that hand at the small of her back... she shook it out. Focused. Wondered what work would hold, if they would catch a difficult case, if Voight's time in prison still haunted him.
The scent of coffee filtered through the grey light of her living room as she got her feet under her and straightened her legs, let her hands rest against the floor. She had to remember her coffee this morning. She would be a zombie without it.
The memory of Voight setting coffee on her desk filled her mind for absolutely no discernable reason. With a sharp inhale she pushed herself up and shook out her hands. It was time to start her day. Enough of this.
Voight came through the office around ten, and Erin glanced up as he strode by, pen scratching on the incident report she owed him from two days ago.
He crossed by the breakroom, spotted Lana by the coffee pot, her hand against her neck as she pressed her chin to the right and he paused.
"You alright, Milani?"
Her eyes popped open, "Yeah." She cleared her throat, "Yes sir. Just slept a little funny last night."
Voight regarded her with a wry glint in his eye, "I thought maybe Rodney just worked you a little too hard yesterday."
The look she sent him very clearly spelled out all of the words it wasn't appropriate to launch at a superior officer, and Voight coughed back a laugh. "Look, I got a run to make, could use another set of eyes."
Erin heard him and set her pen down in a hurry, but Voight pointed a finger at her without even looking, "Finish that report, Erin."
They both heard Erin mutter to herself and Voight half way rolled his eyes. He pushed off of the door jam, "You in or out, Milani."
"In, sir," she wasn't going to turn down a shot to get out of the office for a while. She snagged one last sip of her coffee before grabbing her bag from her desk and following Voight down the stairs.
"What's the run?" She asked, zipping in to her jacket, and Voight glanced back before opening the door for her.
"I gotta meet someone. A CI. He's not exactly principled and I might need the backup."
"I don't have a weapon," she reminded him once they were on the road, but he didn't look too concerned.
"You got eyes. Another officer on scene is enough to keep him from doing anything stupid."
She didn't respond to that, and just sat back in the seat as he drove.
He pulled under an overpass and put the car in park. There wasn't anyone around, and Voight undid his seatbelt. "He's not exactly punctual either."
It was quiet, far enough off the highway that the sounds of traffic had dimmed, far enough out of the way that people weren't passing by. It was a decent spot to meet and stay out of sight.
"This CI," Lana asked after a minute, "is he part of your deal with IA?"
She saw Voight look at her in her peripherals but didn't turn her head. She wasn't being accusing, she was curious.
"You mean does he think I'm dirty?"
Lana's response was a simple nod and he grunted. "I'm on his payroll."
Lana looked at him then, to see if he was joking, and she pursed her lips at his completely sincere expression.
"Well that's effective."
He scoffed at her tone. "Keep an eye out, would ya?" Reaching forward he flipped open the center console and pulled out a bag from a drugstore. She was more than surprised to see him tug a card from it, a little blue truck with a balloon tied to its mirror embossed on the front.
"Is that a birthday card?" she asked, redirecting her attention out the window in case the CI showed up.
Voight was rooting around for a pen, but stopped at her question.
"Yeah," he closed the card, and looked at the front of it. "It's for my grandson."
Her eyes skitted to him in surprise. "...you have a grandson?"
"Yeah," he chuckled some. "He's a great kid. Looks like his mom. Looks like Justin, too, though. When he's getting in trouble, his forehead scrunches up the same way. Kid looks so serious."
Her eyes were still on their surroundings, but she could hear it, the smile in his voice. A grandson. She would have never guessed.
"Do you see him often?"
A beat of silence, she was tempted to look at him, but she stayed focus. The sun light fell behind a cloud. The shadows under the overpass deepened. A cool kind of seclusion seemed to fill the space.
"No. His mother moved. It was too hard, staying here with all the memories. And she's right. I mean, I see Justin everywhere. I keep waiting for it to stop. Same time I'm worried, that I'll look at a place that he used to be, and it won't hold him anymore."
She got the distinct impression that he hadn't meant to say so much. That if she looked at him now, reacted in anyway he'd shut down beneath those impenetrable lines. She cleared her throat.
"What happened? To your son?"
Voight's fingers played with the card in his hands. He let Milani watch the surroundings, let himself talk. Tell the one person who didn't just automatically know. He didn't often get to choose, what people judged him for, what they saw him as.
"He was shot. For helping a friend. It's funny, I used to worry myself sick that I'd get a call that he was killed doing something stupid. There were nights I would lie awake waiting for it.
"Things changed though. He changed. Maybe it just took getting away from me but he grew into a good man, a solid one. The one I always knew he could be. In the end that's what got him killed, just helping a friend out of a bad situation..."
The way he was talking, more to the air than to her.
He didn't have the energy to fill them with emotion, remorse. They were simple. Hollow.
But Lana felt every word.
"...I'm proud. Course I am. I was always proud of that boy. But I wonder if he knew that. If some part of him could have believed that I would rather have a dead son I could be proud of than a boy I had to worry about."
He glanced at her then, saw the tight line of her jaw, eyes roaming their surroundings. Absorbing, processing. Her chin moved, turning her face so he wouldn't fully catch the single tear that slipped and fell. So calm yet so affected. She was distant but it was obvious she had a heart, that she cared about people. That she was full of emotion that she never let rule her.
Voight didn't always know how to do that, how to feel that much and still be in control. His temper, his anger, he could keep them in check but there were times he didn't want to. He had learned to use them. In his job. In his life. To choose when he let it out. How he let it out.
Milani wasn't like that, it wasn't all or nothing with her. Sometimes it seemed like that's what she was trying to be, a volcano under ice, frigid until it exploded. It was obvious she was running from something, he had felt it in the desperate energy of her body as it slipped against his. Sometimes she just wanted an out.
But she wasn't completely cold. She had tried. She had said she was sorry about Justin before and he had shut her down forcibly. Hadn't wanted to hear it then and she wasn't going to make the mistake of saying it now.
Voight cleared his throat. "You really ought to start listening to gossip, Milani." The forced casualness in his voice had her sitting up straighter, expression smoothing. "It'll save me the trouble of seeing that look on your face."
"What look," she whipped her attention to him, immediately defensive, and Voight's lips curled up in a wry smile.
"When you catch another detail you didn't know, file it away," he tapped his temple twice, didn't voice the end of his thought. Maybe she was just storing up more reasons to stay away from him.
There was movement in his peripherals, and Voight reached for the door handle.
"Stay here, this won't take long."
Lana watched, glad for the distraction. The covert conversation, the money that was slipped seamlessly between them. Voight was playing a role that he maybe knew a little too well.
She worked for a dirty cop.
A dirty cop who had lost his son, didn't get to see his grandson. Was so isolated and alone he couldn't stand it when someone bothered to care about what he had gone through.
How could she not care? Anyone who heard half of what she just had would care.
But he didn't want to hear it, to have her say she was sorry for his loss. That much was obvious.
Or maybe it was just other people that got to care. Maybe Olivia Benson got to hold him, feel him hurting and smooth it away. Maybe Lana was just overstepping her bounds. He had used her as a release and he wasn't interested in anything else she had to give.
That's what she had wanted. Hell it was exactly what she had used him for. But it bothered her. The more she learned about Sergeant Voight the more confused she became. On paper, he was a mistake. Too reckless, too independent and too willing to break the rules. He lived by an old code that didn't always match with today's justice system and he broke the laws she swore to uphold. He wasn't a good cop. She wasn't even sure he was a good man. If she did start to listen, to those stupid whispers in the precinct hall, what would she hear? How many stained secrets could one man have, and still be so... right.
Right for the job, for the team he led. He filled an imperfect gap in the system and he did it without apology or seemingly any remorse. He fit. Into his role, into what he needed to. Somehow he fit into what other people needed him to be.
He had fit what she needed, in every aching way.
She watched him step away from his CI, stroll back to the car completely unperturbed. He got behind the wheel and set the card in the cup holder. The air was empty, she didn't have anything to fill it with and she let the drive pass in silence.
They had reached the stairs to intelligence when Voight spoke.
"Thank you, Milani"
Lana scoffed, "I didn't really do much. I stayed in the car."
It took her a second to realize Voight had stopped. His hands were in his pockets and he was just looking up at her as she stood by the gate, expression waiting, she swore almost shy.
Oh
He wasn't thanking her for help with the CI. He was thanking her for letting him talk.
He was thanking her.
Lana swallowed. "Of course." Her smile felt weak.
He nodded her on, dismissing the moment, and Lana turned up the stairs.