AN: Pizza Time!
In the dense, humid jungle forest of Seven Herbs Island, a purple viper awaited its prey. The second it saw movement, it struck!
Danger sense flaring, Retsu erupted with a shotgun blast of spines behind his back like a porcupine. Knocked forward by the momentum of the blow, Retsu staggered forward an extra step.
A look of disgust plastered Retsu's face. He could feel the snake's corpse wiggling in its death throes on his back. Worse still, fresh blood gushed all over his back from the snake's attack.
Detaching the bones from himself, Retsu turned around, and beheld a skinny, seven foot long snake. He then felt his back, and his hand came back all sticky. The humid forest helped him work up a sweat, and now that sweat stank was beginning to coagulate with the fresh blood stench.
The entire backside of his previously white kimono robe thing was coated in blood and sweat.
"This is so fucking gross. Fucking Mangetsu and his water body doesn't have to deal with this shit." Retsu grumbled to himself.
He took another ten steps forward, and in a slice cut another snake in half. A jet of blood sprayed out right at his eyes. Thinking fast, Retsu held out his hand and formed a bone shield to protect himself from the splash zone.
"Aha! Take that nature!" Retsu madly bellowed in triumph. He even held up a fist and looked up at the sky in mockery.
The constant buzz of insects under the shadowy canopy of trees was the only response.
"…"
Retsu kept trudging forward, and it took only three minutes before his next encounter.
"Ankh!"
A beast snarl was Retsu's only warning.
Turning around at lightning speed, Retsu was face to face with a larger than average tiger.
Its claw had elementalized to the lightning attribute, and the paw was coming down fast.
Retsu barely dodged the meaty swipe, and stepped inside the massive tiger's guard. Shoving his sword upward, Retsu aimed at the beast's neck.
Tilting its head to the side, the tiger bit down on the flat side of the bone blade, and shook its head in a frenzy to wrench the weapon out of Retsu's grasp.
"Fine, keep the damn thing!" Retsu suddenly let go of the blade.
The tiger kept up its momentum, and moved to pounce on top of Retsu, and take advantage with its body weight. The lighting paw snaked around, and went for Retsu's backside.
"Pfft." Retsu snorted.
The beast had some intelligence, since it knew to restrict his weapon, and get close to him. Any typical shinobi would be unable to cast jutsu at this close of range. Unfortunately for the tiger, Retsu was anything but typical. Who needed hand signs when you had kekkei genkai?
At this point in time, the two were so close, that Retsu could smell the foul beasts breath. Instead of attempting to get away, Retsu closed the distance. With a gesture of his finger, a thin lance of bone exploded out of his finger tip, into the tigers eye, then piercing its brain.
As if a light switch had been flipped, the tiger's lightning paw dimmed, and fizzled out the second Retsu scrambled its brains.
Using his shoulder, Retsu rammed the tiger's corpse so it wouldn't mow him down, and flung the thing off into the forest.
Clapping his hands, Retsu was in a cheery mood. He didn't receive a single drop of blood on himself during that encounter! Progress!
Before long, he too could become one of those edgy anime swordsmen that cut someone in half, and slowly sheath his sword as he walked past them to the shock of everyone! Hell, he even got some practice in when he beheaded that Kaguya clansman last week!
Retsu smiled to himself in reminiscence.
Short break over, Retsu mentally prepared himself for his next encounter, and set off. Only to meet and kill another dangerous beast ten minutes later.
Like this, Retsu painstakingly spent an entire day travelling through this hot and humid jungle.
When night finally came, he dug a shallow pit in the earth about twice the size of an adult male. He then created a clam like shell similar to that of an oyster with his bone, and hopped inside to sleep.
Before he fell asleep, one thing was constantly on his mind. He had forgotten his favorite pillow at home!
The next day, Retsu was awakened by the sound of light rain. Peering out of the shell, Retsu saw gray skies, and a runny, muddy ground.
Not only that, but the blood had dried to his shirt. While he was inside the bone clam, the conditions were musky to say the least.
"Fantastic." Retsu sighed to himself.
Ox. Tiger. Boar.
'Water Style: Body Cleanse Jutsu.' Retsu performed an essential D-rank water jutsu. The jutsu harnessed the moisture in the air, and rinsed his clothes and body in a quick violent burst of water.
"Bleh." Retsu spat out a mouthful of dirty water.
Water jutsu may not be as flashy or destructive as fire, wind, or lightning, but at least it could clean the body, and eliminate smell. Retsu shuddered at the thought of just how smelly the shinobi from Iwagakure must be. Because after experiencing the clam, he knew that those dirt eaters had to be smelling something fierce!
Shaking his head at the thought, Retsu clapped his hands together, and decided to set out. He made a bet with Mangetsu yesterday, and still hadn't found a single rare herb!
"Hyup!" Retsu jumped out of the shell, and onto a tree. He then started to slowly hop from tree to tree.
Unlike yesterday, Retsu decided not to blunder his way through this death trap, and began to practice one of Kirigakure's signature techniques, Silent Steps, which was a precursor technique to Silent Killing.
Since he took his time, Retsu more often than not spotted ambushers before they could spot him. Every snake he came across, he would shoot a small bone bullet from his finger, and crack its skull. If it was a tiger, boar or some other huge animal that could mold a bit of chakra, he did his best to avoid it unless absolutely necessary.
Although, Retsu had to admit to himself. The boar meat on this island was something else. Who knew chakra enhanced animals would taste so good?!
In any case, Retsu made slow if decent progress toward the center of the island.
Eventually, after what felt like ages Retsu came across a large muddy pit. Inside, it led to a cave system. Recalling the image Ao showed of Elixir Mud, this must be the place of its origins.
Descending into the cave, Retsu spotted the remnant trash of spent torches. There were also a series of dim cyan colors providing a basic amount of light.
After slowly traveling for about fifteen minutes, Retsu came across an off color grey clump of mud. It looked something like the slop you would see kids served in cartoons from the lunch cafeteria.
'This is it!' Retsu's eyes gleamed.
Retsu only had a few storage scrolls on him, and planned to take no more than a couple handfuls of the stuff to save space. Right when he was about to scoop it up with a ladle made of bone, he dropped the slop back down.
He was stunned. Because resting just above the mud in a dark crevice was a black colored root. Retsu almost missed it!
Before him was the fabled Mandra Grass! He didn't know why it was a black root when it was called a grass, but this is what the picture looked like!
Retsu wasn't worried about replacing his own limbs any time soon. However, to someone desperate, this herb could be worth a fortune! Greed started to shine in Retsu's eyes. He had to win that bet with Mangetsu no matter what! No way he was giving up this cash cow so easily! No way!
Right at that moment, he heard voices arguing nearby.
Deciding to hide, Retsu wanted to wait and see what kind of threat was coming for him. Retsu didn't want to test the so called "neutrality" of the island. And if Iguru's assessment of him was correct, he should have the strength of around a strong Chunin. He wasn't going to risk getting ganked by a Tokubetsu Jonin, or a powerful squad of Chunin. Regardless, acting from a position of stealth could only be beneficial to him.
Only…where was he going to hide?!
Aha! Retsu formed a straw made of bone so that he could breath, then dove headfirst into the muddy wall. He also made a small peep hole with his bones so he could witness any events taking place in the dim cave.
No sooner did he do this than three ninja, all bearing the Land of Hot Water hitai-ate turned the corner.
A chunky bald dude with muscular arms in his thirties took the lead, and was followed by a pair of teenagers. One was a lithe purple haired woman, and the other was a tanned, handsome, slender, silver haired man. Each of them wore the standard Yugakure uniform, which was a mix of red and green and of similar design to the Iwagakure outfit.
"Ah, Captain Kaibai, I found the mud!" The purple haired teenager exclaimed.
"Good job, Juno! With this, our salaries are assured!" Kaibai patted the younger girl on the head.
In response, Juno shied away, creeped out by the bald muscular Uncle.
"Right, but when do I get to kill in the name of Lord Jashin? Animals just don't cut it ya know." The silver haired teen sulked from the back of the group.
"it's always Lord Jashin this, Lord Jashin that! If you love him so much, why don't you go kill yourself, and save us all the trouble!"
"I get the feeling you don't like me."
"No, you think? who keeps scaring away the tourists? The world runs on something called money, you dumb fanatic! So you like killing people, then go bounty hunting or something!"
"Bounty hunting huh, that does sound kind of interesting~" Hidan wiggled his eyebrows, and got a far off look on his face as he imagined all the slaughter he could perform in the name of Jashin as a bounty hunter.
"Oh! Oh, here he goes again! The air head has his chin tilted to the side, and he's lost it! He has lost the plot! I told you this would happen Juno, but noo, you have just had to have a crush on the pretty silver haired maniac!"
"It's not that bad.."
"Not that bad? Not that bad!?" The man huffed.
"Look Juno, loooook! That is not normal!" Kaibai pointed an erratic finger towards Hidan.
"Eh heh heh, kill for you? of course my Lord Jashin." Hidan giggled to himself.
"He's just a normal guy, unlike you Kaibai." Juno whispered.
"What part of normal is that?! HM?" Kaibai only caught the "normal" part of her speech, crossed his arms, and gave Juno a look.
"He's just a troubled soul." Juno weakly defended Hidan.
"Troubled sou-WOMAN! YOU'RE A TROUBLED SOUL! This whole mission is a troubled soul! That. That right there? That's just siiiiick." He pointed at Hidan cutting off a nipple, and sticking his finger in the wound. Hidan then proceeded to paint his face with the blood.
"Hfff, I don't have time for this, we, we do not have time for this. We're on a deadline, and are seriously close to running late!"
"Oh, Lord Jashin, kill them you say?" Hidan muttered to himself.
"Oi, princess, stop day dreaming and help me get some of this mud! The shit sells for a mint, and helps our resort go strong. Well? Are you done fondling yourself or what? Today man!"
"Well, if you insist." Hidan lifted his scythe from his shoulder, and ended Juno's life in one sticky squelch.
"I knew it! I fucking knew it! Water Style: Water Bullet!" Kaibai performed a quick set of hand seals, and spat half a dozen water bullets at Hidan from close range.
In response, Hidan knocked each and every water bullet to the side with his scythe.
"Your ass, and soul belong to Jashin now, old man!" Hidan closed the distance, and came perilously near to decapitating Kaibai.
Hidan missed, and his scythe hit the wall just above Retsu's head. Retsu's eyes were peeled on the battle, ready to run, or defend at a moment's notice. He reflexively covered his skull in bone, to resist Hidan's attack.
Fortunately for Retsu, the duo were to caught up in their life and death struggle to notice him.
For the next five minutes, Hidan and Kaibai played a game of cat and mouse. Kaibai would continue to run away, and launch water jutsu, kunai, shuriken, and explosive tags. Meanhwile, Hidan kept running at him murder happy. He kept tanking blows, or knocking them to the side.
While this was going on, the cave started to emit copious amounts of dust, and shook all over the place.
"You're really starting to fucking annoy me!" A vein wriggled, in anger on Hidan's forehead.
"Ohh, where's your precious Jashin now? You're slowly turning into swiss cheese~ Handsome bastards like you should just go die!" Kaibai flooded the entire passageway with a giant dragon of water.
Pulling out a small sharp, black pole in his other hand, Hidan threw it through the water dragon. It pierced Kaibai in the thigh.
"Urgh. As if that will do anything! Taste my dragon! Haaah!"
"Hbah glruglgle, abga lurkel." Hidan got smashed against the wall repeatedly by the awesome force of the water dragon.
"Hah, hah, are ya dead yet?" Kaiab panted from the excursion on his rapidly depleting chakra network, and peered into the cave.
Retracting the pole on a chain, Hidan licked the small amount of blood that somehow didn't get washed away.
"I've got you marked!" Hidan taunted jeeringly.
"Water Style: Piercing Blade!" Kaibai ignored the damage to his thigh, and took this time to spit out a sharp sword right at Hidan's chest.
The blade pierced Hidan, and pinned him to the wall.
"It's all over Hidan! If only you used your devilishly good looks for money, and not evil. " Kaibai drew a kunai, and prepared to end Hidan.
"Oh screw you! Do you know how annoying it is to be this handsome? No, you don't, because you're an ugly fuck! Every day, I have half a dozen chicks come up to me and confess their feelings! Sure, the harem life was nice for a while, but the truth is, I didn't know a single one of their names! They were always just "the girls!" Why do you think I turned to Lord Jashin?! This guy's a one girl show now!" Hidan bitterly recounted his experiences to the bald man.
"Wait. Jashin is a woman?!" Kaibai paused in his step.
"Hell yeah she is! And she takes all people under her embrace! All blood flows equally and all that. Sounds like you've been kinda lonely, huh Kaibai? What do you say you and me become brothers under Jashin!"
'This is ridiculous. Is that dude really going to convert to Jashin after all that bullshit?!' Retsu's eyes popped when he beheld such a goofy scenario.
"Wow, who knew all I needed to cure my lonely depression was some sadistic goddess who gets off on blood and murder!" Kaibai smiled congenially, and slowly approached Hidan.
"Right?! So few people get that! Now could you be a dear, and cancel the water sword? It's kinda digging into my shoulder really bad. Hurts like a bitch going for her twelfth time if you know what I'm saying. Not that I'm against a little pain. Lord Jashin does get off on this you know."
Eyes hooded by shadow, Kaibai's face became grimmer, and more serious the more Hidan talked.
"The. Twelfth girl? Fucking bastard!" Kaibai thrust his kunai at Hidan's neck.
"Man, and I thought we were going to be best bros too." Taking out the black poll from earlier, Hidan stabbed himself in the heart.
"Wha-" Kaibai fell over on the ground dead.
"See? See what you made me do? I was going to go on a murder spree, and stack up a hundred bodies just for you after this. A new brother in Lord Jashin's name, lost just like that. Maaan, pisses me off!" Hidan kicked Kaibai's corpse a few times to let off some steam.
A second passed, and Hidan cracked his neck.
"Well, whatever, at least I got you, black root! We're like two peas in a pod! You'll make some nice makeup next time I do a ritual for Lord Jashin!" Hidan reached out to take the Mandra Grass.
Retsu saw all this go down, and narrowed his eyes. 'That money, ahem, Mandra Grass…IS MINE!'
Retsu, dripping in filthy mud, snuck up behind Hidan with practiced steps.
When Hidan was at his weakest, and most distracted, he struck.
Lifting his sword quietly as possible, Retsu sliced Hidan's head off!
"Of all the fucking things today!" Hidan's bodyless head complained.
Before Hidan could get a good look of him, Retsu shoved some of the mud, and covered his face.
'Sheesh! Now I can finally get my hands on that Mandra Grass!' Reaching a hand over, Retsu snipped the herb, and placed it in a sealing scroll.
"Hey sensei, I was searching the record, and it said that Mandra Grass was once found down here." A child's voice echoed in the cavern.
"That's right, I'll never allow what happened to Dan to happen to my loved ones ever again. I need you to be careful Shizune, and stay by my side. Powerful shaking just occurred at this location, it's likely a fight had just broken out. I'll go first." A strong willed woman's voice sounded out.
'MORE people?!' Retsu couldn't help but complain to himself, and dove back into the muddy wall.
Back at the Kaguya clan.
"Oh, so soft~" Michi happily stuffed his face in his big brother's favorite possession.
The pillow however was a mockery of its former self. Where once, it was plump and full of softness, now, it was half full, and torn in a dozen tiny places.
AN: Crème Fraiche?
Poverty no Jutsu is pretty powerful. Super powers are nice and all, but my boy's been living in a shack for all his reincarnation!
For context, this isn't S-tier Hidan, obviously. He's worn out after an intense fight, and caught by surprise. Man is still with his village, and wouldn't defect until sometime after the 3rd Shinobi World War. Do not google his wiki. He totally wasn't 22 during Shippuden, and was definitely at least in his 30's. thus justifying him being a teen now!