Cresting through calm waters, the Monday Typhoon slipped by quietly in the night. A full moon brightened the land, revealing a sizeable port town.
Dozens of merchant ships, and hundreds of fishing vessels were docked at this sizeable port.
The town had ample lighting coming from hundreds of lanterns. The sound of late night merry making drifted off into the ocean. Drums sounded out, and people were on the streets wearing their fanciest clothes. A festival was taking place.
As the Monday Typhoon pulled up to dock, Retsu could hear the faint sizzle of grilling meat. The smell wafting over to the ship was tantalizing to say the least. In Kirigakure, Retsu almost exclusively ate fish and rice. Space on the islands limited the food diversity. Land was was a valuable commodity reserved for rice farming, or habitation.
However, here on the mainland, meat such as beef and pork were in ample supply.
Retsu couldn't help but lick his lips in thought of the sweet succulent flavors that awaited him. In the eight years he had lived this life, he had only had beef and pork less than ten times!
"Alright gang, this is Degarashi Port. They've got some really good tea! It's the Land of Tea, duh. I AM disembarking this time! Oh, and Mangetsu, Retsu, Zabuza, see me back on the Monday Typhoon tomorrow morning. We're going on a mission!" Iguru spoke quickly, and jumped out of the ship to go party.
Retsu wasn't really interested in partying with strangers, but the food and atmosphere were festive. It was okay to have some innocent fun every once in a while.
"Not so fast, Retsu, everyone." Ao snapped Retsu out of his inner thoughts by releasing some pressure.
"The celebration right now is for one of the two ruling families, the Wasabi family, or the Wagarashi family. Every two years, they compete to see who controls the tax revenue coming in. What you see right now is the victory part of one of the winners. And that means there's going to be many shinobi in the crowd.
Not to mention, although the Land of Tea is lacking a shinobi village, they still higher chakra empowered individuals as guards. They may not know jutsu, but can match up to a Genin or Chunin in terms of physicality.
Before you go out, I highly suggest you hide your hitai-ate. Our village raids this land frequently, and often. You'll find no friends here." Ao utilized his forbidden talk-no jutsu, and held the crew back while he explained the situation.
"We get it already!" "Women and booz! We want women and booz~" Gozu and Meizu complained.
"Hmph. You two stay onboard for guard duty tonight." Ao nodded at them, a trace of derision in his eye.
"Aww, what!" "You can't do that!"
"As for the rest of you, I'll be contacting our Hidden Mist's spy network while we're here. Are there any valuable rumors you've come across, or critical information? If it's worth sharing, I'll pay you for it." Ao looked everyone in the eye.
"The ninja I killed from the Village Hidden in the Rivers revealed that the Water Daimyo was seeking their assistance." Zabuza spoke up.
"That is valuable news. Did they reveal any further details?" Ao questioned.
In response, Zabuza merely shook his head left and right.
"A pity. I'll have to verify, but that news is worth at least 500,000 Ryo. Well done, Zabuza. Anyone else?"
"This is probably old news, but Tsunade Senju has taken on an apprentice. AND she has a crippling fear of the sight of blood." Retsu chimed in.
"You're saying that the Tsunade Senju, one of the three Sanin, granddaughter to the God of Shinobi has a fear of blood? You cannot be real, Kaguya. Ao, don't listen to this idiot, he's clearly lying for the money." Mei snorted, and couldn't help but mock Retsu.
"I must admit Retsu, this does sound rather far fetched. I want to believe you, but for a legendary medic-nin to have the fear of blood? This is highly unlikely." Ao skeptically looked at Retsu. His eyebrows were scrunched together like he ate something particularly bitter.
"Verify it. I had a close call with Tsunade Senju on the Seven Herbs Island. I only lived due to the neutrality." Retsu maintained a calm and collected look while he stared Ao in the eyes.
"And she didn't splatter you?! No way dude. I could believe you were telling the truth up to that point, but that psycho botch is a mass murderer. Who would be ballsy enough to test your theory? It's suicide! We've all seen the plays, and heard the rumors! That girl is bad." Kajika put his hands in his hoody, and shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Retsu looked everyone in the eye. It was an annoying feeling when you were telling the truth, but everyone thought you were telling a tall tale, or lying. Is this how Captain Iguru felt when he told one of his outlandish stories?
Retsu shook his head. Fuck this.
"Whatever. I'm done here." Retsu turned his back on the crew, and jumped out into the night.
"Just enter the report, Ao. Even if he's wrong, it's not our skins on the line. And if he's right, then he could've just led to the demise of a legendary figure." Mangetsu stared coldly at everyone present, then he to disappeared from the ship.
Before Retsu could make it to the town proper, he was stopped by Iguru at the docks.
The hershey swirl, grey haired man was playing a sad tune on a harmonica. His face was unreadable as he looked out at the gentle moonlit waves.
"I believe you lad. Trust me, as one of the Seven Swordsman out of favor with Lord Mizukage, I, better than most understand your position." Iguru paused from his melancholic song to speak with Retsu.
Slowing his steps, Retsu turned to Iguru. "Thanks Captain, maybe you're not as insane as I first thought. Although, I still have doubts on whether you fought a pterodactyl over a volcano while assassinating the Third Raikage's cousin, D."
Iguru at first had a warm, expression, one typically associated with a father figure or mentor. But by the end of Retsu's statement, he fell sideways off the pier into the ocean. His face was frozen in a picture of disbelief.
"You brat! After that heart to heart?! Didn't you hear me playing that sad melody on the harmonica! My set-up was perfect. You were supposed to grow into a better man from this talk!" Iguru shook a hand in mock anger.
"Yeah, yeah. I'll see you tomorrow for that mission. And thanks for believing in me." Retsu thumbed his nose from the side, and hurried to walk away.
As soon as Retsu disappeared from sight, Mangetsu made his appearance.
"Ah, Mangetsu! Oh!" Iguru started to address Mangetsu, before he started to fumble for his harmonica.
"Oh no, I dropped it into the ocean."
"I'll see you tomorrow Sensei. I have some business to attend to in town." Mangetsu's fox like smile was in full force as he waved, then ignored Iguru.
"Wait, I was supposed to play this melancholy tune for you on my harmonica! It was going to be real moving and stuff!" Iguru held out a hand from within the water.
"My harmonica!" Iguru once again came to the realization that it had fallen into the ocean. Taking a deep breath, he dove into the dim water in search of his instrument.
Once he was inside the town, Retsu took off his hitai-ate. He then replaced it with a cloth strip so he could cover up the red dots above his forehead that marked him as a Kaguya.
Where once his white kimono was in tatters, Retsu had found a replacement on the merchant ship. Hiding in one of its many folds, Chubs II clung close for warmth.
Strolling the street, the most common color was green. Green banners, green flames, green signboards, and green roof tiling were the norm in Degarashi Port.
People wore their best clothes, and many masqueraded, wearing masks. Several times, Retsu passed by an alley to hear the rapturous screams of men and women letting their passions drive them. Their masks covered up their seedy debauchery.
Deciding to fit in with the crowd, Retsu began to think up mask designs.
Forming a hand seal, Retsu started to slowly mold his chakra into his bones. Inch by inch, bone morphed and warped around his face.
Retsu peered into a window, and formed a bone mask on his face. The mask was white with red highlights on the side. Each streak of red contained a few droplets of his blood. In the middle above the forehead, Retsu shaped a red crescent moon in homage to his clan's namesake.
Utilizing his Eye Light Deprivation Technique, Retsu made his eyes glow blue. It didn't improve his sight or anything, but the special effect appealed to Retsu's cosmetic sense.
Altogether, in his pristine white robes, and demonic looking mask, Retsu would fit right in with a band of cultists.
"Shish-kebobs! Fresh vegetables, and beef shish-kebobs!" A man shouting from a nearby stall drew Retsu's attention.
Approaching the stall, Retsu was about to place his order, only to realize…he had no money!
The cargo on the Monday Typhoon hadn't been sold yet!
"Oh hoh! What a terrifying mask the young lord has! Here, on the house!" The vendor handed two kebabs to Retsu with a greasy smile.
Taking the food, Retsu enjoyed the crunchy bite from an onion, the sweetness from the bell pepper, and savory beef.
Satisfied, Retsu burped, and moved on to the next stall.
Without having to say anything, a mug of beer was shoved into Retsu's hands. He wasn't one for drinking much, but when in Rome, do as the Romans do!
Shrugging his shoulders, Retsu chugged the mug down.
"Come to my business young lord!"
"No, Hayate's Gecko store has the pet you need!"
"Young lord, young lord!"
Dozens of people crowded around Retsu, convinced by the craftsmanship of his mask that he must be someone important. The commotion caused a small crowd to form around him.
"The young lord is tired. He must rest in my embrace." A silky, seductive voice pierced through the din of the crowd.
As if the sea was parting for Moses, the crowd seemed to unconsciously part for one woman.
Approaching Retsu, a beautiful, ice-blue haired woman came sauntering toward him. She wore a snow white robe, purple lipstick, and had an eyepatch on her right eye. Despite the eye patch, or even because of it, her "bad girl" appeal spiked in Retsu's mind.
"Come with me, young lord." The woman whispered seductively into Retsu's ear. She leaned in close, and placed Retsu's face between her magnificent twins.
Retsu took a breath, and he was intoxicated. The alcohol from earlier was nothing compared to this sensation.
Retsu blinked, and he was on his back with his pants down.
'How did I get here?' Retsu questioned himself.
He was laying on some very soft sheets, and his head was resting on the most comfortable pillow he'd ever felt in his two lives. From what he could see at this angle, the room he was in was filled with rich decor, paintings, and immaculate vases.
His brain was in a fog, and his motion was paralyzed. This sensation. It felt familiar.
'It was the titties! Those bountiful mountains had such a suspicious scent to them!'
No, focus! He had to circulate his chakra, and break out of whatever poison or genjutsu they had placed on him!
"Here he is daddy Tore." The sultry voiced ice-blue haired girl from earlier spoke to someone else.
"Zeh hah hah, good job my pretty." A fat mustachioed man with a lewd grin on his face reached over and began to fondle the beautiful lady.
"Mmm, yeah, and you're sure he's shinobi?" Tore questioned.
"Yes daddy, my sensory jutsu spotted him, and I found this hita-ate on him."
"A Hidden Mist Shinobi, eh? Take off that mask, and see if he's listed in the Bingo Book. Those Hidden Mist bastards and their Hunter-nin have chased me and my harem for far to long! I want revenge on those assholes! Placing me at number ten on the top 10 most wanted for NTR! I should be number one! Zeh hah hah hah!"
"Hmm. Hurgh! Hah hah. Sorry daddy, it won't come off! It's stuck to his face with chakra!"
"Dependent on a man's strength like usual, hur hur hur." Tore loomed over Retsu, his belly was massive, his cheeks chubby, and his short stubby legs could not be seen underneath the fat.
As soon as Tore got close, and placed his meaty hand on the skull, Retsu mobilized what chakra he could, and erupted in a shower of bones. He was like a pufferfish expanding, bones poked everywhere.
Tore fell dead on top of him.
The girl escaped mortal damage, but was on the ground, seriously wounded.
"You…bastard! I'll, kill you!" The formerly beautiful woman dragged herself on one arm toward Retsu. Blood and guts dripped onto the floor. Her face was torn between a rictus of pain and wrath.
Wielding a bone senbon, Chubs II crawled out from under the bed, and stabbed the woman at the gap between her neck and spine.
"Die, die!" Chubs II's high pitch rat voice screamed out. The woman was long dead, and Chubs II kept going, she eventually turned the harlot's skull into mush.
After a minute of such butchery, Chubs II fed on her corpse till she was full. With a satisfied, bloody grin, she sat down next to Retsu in vigilance.
"Good. Job." Retsu bit out. He was in a severely weakened state, and only had the energy to speak so few words.
"Happy!" Retsu rubbed her bloody whiskers against Retsu's side.
"Hahh." Retsu smiled for her sake, which made the small rat chirp in jubilation.
'This is some serious bullshit.' Retsu complained to himself.
Tore's corpse didn't fall to the ground, and instead, his blood soaked, obese body was resting on top of Retsu's still paralyzed form.
Retsu could shoot out one more burst of chakra in his paralyzed state, and could've dealt with the annoying slut. Now that she was gone, Retsu contemplated removing the corpse with that energy. However, he'd rather hold that one attack in reserve in case any more shananigans came to bite him in the ass.
Over the next half hour, Retsu slowly began to push the poison out of his system. He would use all his chakra to move the poison into one specific bone, and then eject that poisoned bone from his body. He got the idea from anime where, when one person got bit in the arm by a poisonous creature, they would instantly cut off their arm to stop the spread.
Retsu was no stranger to poisoning himself. He mixed, and imbibed poisons all the time to gain an immunity. So the process of ejecting poison wasn't something utterly new to him.
Ironically, one of Tsunade's chakra control methods was to intake poison, and push it out of the body. He had a good handle on the Eye Light Deprivation Technique, and was ready to attempt another mode of practice and was contemplating on what other method he should practice in. He was surprised that fate had made the decision for him!
Sitting up, Retsu pushed Tore off of him, and then took a good look at the corpse. He was poked all over like swiss cheese! However, his face was still sort of recognizable. Taking out a sealing scroll, Retsu sliced off the man's head, and planned to collect on the NTR insurance.
When he saw the hot chick, he clucked his tongue. What a waste.
Searching around the red dyed room, Retsu found some more sealing scrolls, and ninja pouches. Most of them were covered in trace amounts of old blood. Tore and his accomplice must've been very successful!
Rifling through the scrolls, one contained a heaping pile of money. 'Score!' Retsu cheerily put the money back inside, he could count it later.
And another scroll was filled with dozens of bloody corpses! A deluge of blood dripped down onto the floor, and seeped into Retsu's socks.
"That ugly bastard!" Retsu kicked the headless corpse in anger.
After he calmed down, Retsu figured he could sell this shit too. People like Orochimaru and Danzo were always looking for the corpses of chakra empowered individuals.
One thing was certain. His clothes were drenched in blood, AGAIN, AND he now was the proud owner of the world's softest pillow!
AN: Honey Trap Motherfuckers! Yeah, Kunoichi are BAD MF'ers! With a capital B A D.
Who is/are your least fav characters in Naruto? For me, it's Sasuke, Naruto, Hinata, Ino and Sakura. There's too much plot armor and poorly written romance surrounding them. I would've liked a show centered around Guy, Kakashi, Shikamaru, Lee, Minato, Itachi, Shisui, and more focus on the bad guys/other factions. Kinda why I'm writing a Kiri fic. I rewatched Kakashi + Shikamaru vs Hidan + Kakuzu, and Kakashi + Shikimaru was the best tag team in the series imo.