Chapter 20: Weenie Sweeney vs Donut Durr
The truckers pulled up to Camden, New Jersey. It was Edward Durr's hometown. It was time for him to get his revenge on Weenie Sweeney for rigging his election and spitting in the face of democracy. As bad as New Jersey was, they would never go that far usually. Durr would settle the score once and for all.
Durr stepped out of his Dunkin Donuts truck and took a bite out of a jelly donut. He was ripped as fuck and smelled of cologne. He was ready to kick Sweeney's ass to the curb. He flexed his muscles to a crowd of onlookers who were looking for a fight.
"Fuck him up!" they shouted. "Fuck the fucking son of a bitch up!" (this is how NJ people talk, right?)
Sweeney stepped out of his house smoking a Cuban cigar. He smirked at Durr but then he pulled out a MACHINE GUN.
"You here to pick a fight with me, boy?" Weenie Sweeney laughed. "Well, Donut Durr, do you remember me? I bullied you in high school."
Weenie Sweeney was, indeed, a big chad in high school. Durr was a foodie, meaning he loved eating and consuming food. Sweeney would call Durr, who went by Eddie at the time, "Donut Durr". They made fun of his bulging stomach until one day, Edward Durr declared himself as Donut Durr with pride. He got a job at Dunkin Donuts and rose through the ranks fast unil he became CEO.
Sweeney became New Jersey Senate Majority Leader and began taxing Dunkin Donuts out of spite. Durr challenged him with the support of the people on his side, but Sweeney rigged the vote and exiled him from the state. Durr now sought his revenge, and the people sought a return to Donkin Donuts in New Jersey.
"You're goddamn right I'm here to pick a fight, boy," Edward Durr replied bravely. "You might've bullied me in high school, stuck me in a locker, nutted in my girlfriend, but I will get the last laugh. You sold your soul to Charlie Crist, and therefore you must die!"
"Aw Durr, as ignorant as ever!" Weeney Sweenie laughed, sweeping down and slashing at Durr with a knife. Durr responded by pulling out his shotgun and blasting it at Sweenie.
They exchanged blows and fired off a lot of ammo, but neither could hit each other! It was a wild spectacle! Many people were eating sloppy joe's watching the confrontation go down.
Durr took out a hammer and tossed it at Sweeney, who deflected it and it hit an oil barrel. BOOM big explosion and it looked cool. Sweeney and Durr then took out swords and dueled but Durr had the upper hand. Indeed, Durr pulled out a donut and threw it with all his might at Sweeney. It was a pumpernickel donut!
"Ahhhhhhhh!" Sweeney yelped as the donut made contact with his face and his body dissolved like Voldemort's in the Deathly Hallows movie.
Durr won the battle and everyone cheered. It was a great day for democracy. Small businesses like Dunkin Donuts would thrive once again. The new Senate majority leader decided to give a speech.
"Sup, fuckers!" he shouted and everyone laughed. "I'm your new guy now. I'm your new boss. You gotta do as the boss commands. We're gonna go to Canada and fuck the commies up! Everyone with a truck come with me!"
Everyone cheered again. The next day, Edward Durr departed with his Dunkin Donuts truck and a convoy of 60 trucks. Trudeau was gonna shit his pants.
TO BE CONTINUED