Chapter 23: A Critique of Ohioan Politics
What a boring state! DeSantis was bored out of his mind every time he stepped foot in Ohio. There was nothing there except drug addicts and decay. Where were the ferocious snakes and alligators? Even the zombies were extra sluggish and boring. However, there was finally something interesting occurring in Ohio. There was a civil war!
On one side of the conflict was the proud capitalist Mike Gibbons. He amassed his fortune by scamming libs and making them cry. That was very commendable in the eyes of DeSantis. His beloved waifu, Mikasa, was in agreement. Gibbons had an army of loyal capitalists including Emmanuel Macron, the Chamber of Commerce, and the International Monetary Fund (most of whom were now zombies). He also had a few Pinochet supporters, although they were mostly confined to twitter and reddit since they lacked the muscle for street combat.
On the opposing side was a national socialist femboy named Josephine Dianna Vance, commonly referred to as JD Vance. Blending the fascism of the far-right and the transgenderism of the far-left, Vance "roused" an army of loyal followers. These mainly consisted of weeaboos who, again, lacked the muscle for street combat. However, it wasn't only the neckbeards joining JD's cause. He had united the zombie factions of Antifa AND the Proud Boys! Antifasus Grandus, the dictator of East Canada, was sending mercenaries to assist Vance. Across the sea, the Kingdom of Uganda was also preparing to intervene in the civil war.
"Ricardo, my son," said Okonkwo III, Emperor of Uganda, to his son. "You are my strongest warrior. You shall travel to Ohio and assist Michael Gibbons in combat."
"Yes, father," Ricardo replied in a thick Ugandan accent. He grabbed his spear and got into his yacht. He had a long voyage to Ohio ahead of him.
After he arrived, Ricardo met Ron and Mikasa DeSantis on the streets of Cleveland. They were eating some Taco Bell with Mark Pukita, a neutral party to the civil war. Ricardo bowed his head before America's Governor, as most would do in the presence of such a formidable man.
"Rise, my comrade," said DeSantis between bites of his Burrito Supreme. "Why have you traveled so far from home?"
"I am here to fight for Michael Gibbons!" Ricardo exclaimed.
"Shhhh," Mikasa hushed. "There are communist spies all around us. They'll kill you if they hear you supporting Gibbons."
Ricardo looked around. He didn't notice anyone suspicious. Unfortunately, the communists made their first move without warning. One of them fired a SNIPER and it hit Pukita straight in the mouth! The poor man couldn't even get one bite of his Burrito Supreme. Suddenly, Ricardo was shot in the leg!
"OOOOOOOOOOOW!" he shouted in agony.
DeSantis quickly bit his hand to turn into the Attack Zombie as Mikasa put on her ODM gear. They had to kill this sniper before he shot anyone else!
As Mikasa flew around the city, she saw the sniper in the window. He looked like Gritty, the dude from Philadelphia. However, Gritty had piss and shit all over him as a form of camouflage. It wasn't doing him any good, but it made him smell like Andrew Gillum's hotel room. Mikasa called him PeePeePooPoo.
"PeePeePooPoo!" she shouted. "You will die!"
But PeePeePooPoo didn't die! Instead, he jumped out the window and sped away! Where did he go? Will Ricardo be okay? Find out in the next chapter!
TO BE CONTINUED