AN: legit Natsume pops out of thin air in this chapter. Sorry but it had to be someone lol rush rush rushed...

Chapter 10

EMA

I break from Masaomi's grasp, the warmth of his hand still lingering in my palm.

I could almost hate him. "Why?... Why did you do that?"

I could almost hate him…

If it weren't for how much I l-

What a dangerous thought...

He stays mute, though in those frantic eyes I can see his rush for an explanation.

"You...You really can't just do that… I can't understand it…" I can't find the words. Can't find the will to look him in the eyes as I speak so I turn to leave. "I just can't understand it..."

"Wait." That warm grasp from before catches in the nook of my arm.

"I have to go." If I look at him I know I will break. So I don't. "Makoto- he-..." I don't know how to finish that sentence.

The hand refuses to let go.

"Ema, look at me." It's a soft, yet stern voice. "Please… Just this time. Just for a moment. I can explain."

It's not a command. Not anything I'm obligated to do. But the shudder that ripples in my breath. There's nothing keeping me from caving in.

MASAOMI

Her deep chocolate eyes meet mine for once and something of relief rips through my chest. She had been avoiding my gaze. To feel it now, feels like a load of bricks lifted from my shoulders. Those eyes are on me.

Those mesmerizing, enchanting eyes. Full if mystery. Full of secrets.

The setting sun catches in her light brown hair and the slight wind sets it fluttering into her face. The simplest things… Just like this wind in her hair… In the burn of the sky reflecting golden on her skin. There's nothing and no one as beautiful as her.

To allow her to hurt… To cry alone… How could anyone sentence her to that fate?

EMA

"I love you, Ema… So be with me."

I could just about die. The world could end now, and that would be just fine.

The world is not so merciful, unfortunately, and it sends me choking on my words instead.

"You- You don't really know me… You'll reg-"

"Ema, stop. I do know you." He holds my shoulders, forcing me to face him and look deep into my eyes. It's just him and I. And there's no idea more appealing than running away.

"I carry so many secrets Masaomi." I try to blink away the blur of my vision. "I'll only hurt you… You'll be disappointed in me- I can't-" I shrug out of his grasp.

"I could never be disappointed in you." He catches me by my wrist, sending static through my veins.

"You…" I shake my head and break away from him. Without his touch I return.

To the way I was meant to be.

Each step away from him is as if I were a plane in a spiraling nose dive. Where I was going to land at the end of all this would be anyone's guess. "You…" I shake my head. "You just don't know how much trouble I am…"

And then I run. So fast and so sure that he isn't following.

I run.

And I run. I'm good at that.

Not home. Anywhere but where he is.

MAKOTO

She hasn't come home yet.

If she had, I don't know what I would have said to her. The tears just keep coming.

EMA

"So. You ended up here?"

I look up. Orange hair catches the light of the full moon overhead. "Mm."

"You look like you've had a rough day."

I wipe my eyes on the shoulder of my t shirt.

"You can't stay at this park all night, you know."

"Why not." The cold wood of the swing was chilly against my thighs but I could ignore it.

"Come on now, you're too old for such stubbornness."

"Do you know?"

"Know what? For Gossake." He huffs out a plume of smoke after lighting his cancer stick.

He clearly didn't know anything. Nor did I expect Masaomi to make his private affairs public with his brothers. It wasn't like him to do that. "Nevermind."

At least now I had company. Oh how misery loves company.

The rusted chains of the swing set wrench out a screech as I sway listlessly.

"Jesus, what happened to you after you left?" He finally breaks the silence.

"Nothing."

He stops my swing abruptly, his hands on the chains on either side of me. "Ema don't bullshit, it doesn't suit you."

"You don't know me." To say those words feels harsh, but he doesn't flinch. "But I'm not. I'm telling you, nothing happened. So just forget it."

"If you won't tell what's with you then maybe enlighten me as to why Masaomi walked in looking like a dejected puppy."

What…?

NATSUME

She looks at me wide-eyed.

She doesn't say anything for a while.

She drops her head.

"I'm sorry." If it were any quieter I'm sure I would've missed it completely. "I'm no good… It's all my fault."

"You're talking a lot of nonsense and I can't quite catch…" I groan through the cigarette.

She shivers pulling her short sleeve shirt closer around her arms.

"Nevermind. You're gonna catch a cold out here, so just go home and mope if that's what you're gonna do. No use being miserable and cold."

"I can't see Makoto. Not after what happened."

"Chrissake Ema, I don't know what the hell you're talking about if you won't tell me!" She was really starting to frustrate me now.

"I'm sorry. Just anywhere but there. I just can't go back..."

"Did he hurt you?" Suddenly my gut wrenches and I feel like I could puke. "Did he touch you?"

"What? No! He would never!"

I remember to breathe. I would wring his neck myself if he had.

"Hey, I'm sorry to ask this so suddenly." She bows her head. "I've only met you just recently. But please let me stay at your place. Just one night. I'll be gone by morning. Promise."

It came so far from left field I never saw it coming.

EMA

It's strange but Natsume, from the first day I met him, was always one I felt I could fully trust. He was a straight shooter. There was nothing he ever deceived me about. And he would be as responsive as a brick wall. Just calm.

I never thought I'd take advantage of his nature until I heard that request come out of my mouth.

...

He pulls open the door to his small, homely apartment. It's cozier than I imagined. And far neater too. He didn't strike me as such a type A person, but there wasn't a single... anything out of place. Shelves were neatly arranged and books were neatly stacked.

"Stay as long as you want. What's mine is yours."

"Great, then I'll take a cigarette." I joke dryly.

He smirks and lets out a huff. "Anything but that."

...

After showering I sit down on his low couch, his two cats joining me and nestling into the fleece of the jacket I was borrowing from him. It smelled nice though it carried an afterthought of a scent of smoke. But in its own way, it was soothing.

"You going to tell me what happened now? Or you gonna take all of your secrets to your grave?" He didn't look away from the movie playing on the screen and grabbed a handful of popcorn.

"That's an exaggeration." I frown.

"Prove me wrong." He said chewing thoughtfully.

"He kissed me. In front of Makoto."

"Damn, so that's what happened huh?" Very little shock rests on his features but he chances a glance at me.

I look away. "Yeah."

"That it?"

"You don't get it... No matter who comes into my life, Makoto will always be here. He was my first love. And all I am is just being realistic. I'm doing what's right for both of us. Whatever we once were is forbidden. We understand that, though only one of us is able to admit it."

"Hmm~ you can't say you know what's right for another person. And you can't keep running."

"I know."

-night-

It's the same dream I've had every night since the wedding. The same reality that has haunted me for a decade. The accident in which she died...

NATSUME

"It's my fault! I'm sorry! Please! Please!" It's nearly 3am and she's screaming bloody murder uncontrollably. I would have thought someone had broken in and was torturing her. When I sit up from the mat on the ground I realize she's thrashing about entirely alone on my mattress. The blankets are all over the place.

I quickly move to shake her awake. When she comes to, the terror in her eyes is unlike anything I've ever seen. It's scary. I'm afraid for her. As if the fear in her dreams had come into reality along with her.

"Easy. You're okay." I say so to convince myself too.

She's shaking still but as soon as she realizes she's back in reality she sits, turning her back on me, hanging her feet over the edge of the opposite side of the bed. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have seen me like this."

Her fingers bunch up the remaining blanket but her shoulders still quiver. Her breathing still runs ragged.

I wrap my arms around her from behind and feel her resistance. "Come here. You're shaking... It must've been bad."

"What did you hear?" She asks, but it doesn't sound like a question. "Don't tell him, please… please he'll hate me…"

"You're not making any sense again," I say. It came out a little abrasive. "Look, it was just a dream. You're fine. Whatever it was, it's over now." She grips my hand with an iron hold in her clammy fingers.

She nestles even deeper into my chest. I doubt she knows how her closeness affects me but it was becoming more difficult to restrain myself by the second. Damnit did she know how good her hair smelled?

And now wasn't the time to be thinking about that.

"Natsume. There's something I've kept from Mako… It's killing me inside." Her voice is completely flat, but it's dropped to near the volume of a whisper, a dead giveaway. "I'm unforgivable. I shouldn't be alive…".

EMA

"Ema." My name runs smoothly off his tongue And when I look at him, his lips are just below my eyes. His tongue is on my skin.

Each tear on my cheeks is swallowed. He kisses my cheeks to my jaw. My jaw to my neck. Wherever he touches, he leaves behind a trail of fire on my skin.

"I don't want you to go through fear alone. Hurt alone. Worry alone…" His tone is as silky as the finest velvet.

No words can be pried from the cotton in my throat. "If you knew. You wouldn't say that. You wouldn't be so nice. You couldn't possibly..."

"If you let me know, well, maybe, you'd be right. That goes for all of us though, huh. We all have our skeletons in our closets. There's always something we fear. Something we regret. But being alive can never be one of them."

"Natsume-"

He pulls me against him so that my back is flat against his chest and that I sit between his legs. The position alone is enough to feel heat rise to my face.

"Enough. No more self-pitying talk." He breathes into my neck. It's something he used to do. The electricity of his closeness sends a shiver down my spine. I can feel the solidness of his chest just behind me. If I close my eyes... It's him...

But when I open my eyes. We're so clearly sitting on a bed that is not his...

"I'm not -" I squirm but he holds me there."Natsume this is nonsen-"

"The dream can be nonsense. But there's nothing nonsensical about this reality. Please, can't you see how wonderful life is?" He pauses and without even seeing his face, I can feel him choosing his words tentatively. "I care about you so much. Everyone does. Whoever could blame you for being alive... That's absurd. I'm thankful. I don't regret meeting you. Even if Masaomi loves you, and even if you love him- that'd hurt... But I'll always be glad we met by some chance."

"Natsume..."

"He might let you decide what's right for him, but I won't. Maybe you think you can make decisions for everyone in your life. But I don't play by anyone's rules but my own."

"..."

"And if you say my name one more time, I won't be able to stop myself…"

"Then… " They're words I almost immediately regret. "Don't... Natsume."

NATSUME

The way she had just said my name was enough to drive me mad. Such melancholy mixed with longing.

I gently tilted her head to the side, unzipping my jacket on her small frame just far enough for it to slide to her shoulders. Her skin is so beautiful in the moonlight and I want nothing more than to unzip it all the way.

But I don't.

Because I'm not an animal.

She shivers and I draw her even closer, wrapping my arms around her waist.

Restraint.

I kiss her neck. Gently. But the taste of her skin is intoxicating. As my kisses linger longer I can feel her heart race, her breath hitch. Hitch for me.

Somewhere in the back of my head a voice is scolding me to remember this is "Masaomi's-off-limits-interest."

I kiss the mark I had left behind gently and feel her tense at the tenderness.

That voice was definitely Subaru's...

And for some reason... I can't help but...smile.

...

I suppose I'm a different kind of animal.

EMA

-morning-

"Sorry I got carried away last night." He ducks into the bathroom, massaging my shoulders, watching as I dab some leftover makeup Hikaru had left behind from a previous visit.

The bruises from where Natsume had sucked the living daylights out of my neck were looking pretty gnarly. There were two on the lower right side of my neck and one on my collarbone. He was tender. Gentle.

It was irresponsible, but I wanted to feel alive.

Cliche.

I wanted to be loved.

Cliche.

What's more though, was the guilt. I hadn't properly responded to Masaomi. I hadn't dealt with Mako. And what had just become of Natsume and I was something that just gave me another problem.

I wanted to forget.

...

He watches me in the mirror, his amethyst eyes softening.

"I'm sorry." I've never heard him hedge any of his remarks before. Never imagined he'd apologize to anyone for anything.

"What's there to be sorry for..." I frown.

"I didn't mean to..." His fingers pass over one of the dark splotches and his touch sends me reeling back to last night. I had never felt warmer. I had never felt safer than I did falling asleep cradled in his arms. The dreams didn't return either...

"Do they hurt…?" He gently puts his hand over mine and dabs the sponge on them, bringing me back to reality. There's a look of remorse on his face which he doesn't deserve.

"What do you think?" I roll my eyes into the back of my head. "Want me to give you a hickey then ask if it hurts?"

He raises an eyebrow. And I watch as he picks up my mood. "Yeah, I would." His lip pulls up into a smirk I'm grateful to see.

I push him out of the bathroom.