Chapter 66 – Panic Attack

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When she arrived at Remus's flat, she was holding back a grin. They were so awkward with each other; it was rather funny. They kept stealing glances at each other when the other one wasn't looking. She was curled into Remus's side on the couch, he hasn't let her go the moment she walked in. They talked about everything and nothing, but they didn't dive into the personal things. Regulus was still dressed in the clothes he started to wear as Roan, not as Regulus and Remus needed to wipe the drool from the corner of his mouth more than once.

"I have tickets for your show this weekend." Remus said with a smile.

"Oh, another fan?" She grinned, pushing herself up from his chest. "What kind?"

He pursed his lips. "The cheapest ones."

"That won't do." Regulus shook his head, grinning. "Isabelle?"

She pulled tickets out of her bag and started to check them. "How many do you need?"

"Do you always carry tickets around with you?" He asked amused.

"Yeah, you never know when you meet a true fan." She laughed. "I gave two tickets to Harry for his girlfriend yesterday. So, how many?"

"I was going to come alone but if we're going to inform Lily and James..."

"Right." She nodded with a tiny frown. "You can tell them, I want to see them. Let me just -" She started to write down on an empty ticket before waving her wand over it. "It's unlimited and you get backstage clearance before and after the show. You can take Lily and James, Harry and his girlfriend." She looked to Regulus grinning. "How cute is that!"

"Very." Reg grinned.

"It's weird." Remus mused. "It's like you're the same people on one hand but entirely different people on the other."

"Fifteen years without the memories of how we have been treated or brought up will do that to you." Regulus said, looking out the window. "I think I will visit Sirius. Where can I find him?"

"He's still at the house." They both turned to look at him with a surprised expression. "He never left."

Regulus and Izzie shared a glance before he stood up. He cleared his throat. "I guess your floo is connected with his?"

"Yeah."

He nodded and walked to the fireplace. "I'll see you later." His eyes lingered on Remus before he disappeared.

"You still love him." She said, more a statement than a question.

"I never stopped." He looked back to her with a sad smile. "When I was ready to get my life back together again, which took a few years." He took her hand in his. "I tried to move on. I dated, had two serious relationships but I couldn't give myself completely in the relationships, it wasn't fair to them. Regulus is and will always be my true love. Even with whatever he's been doing for the past fifteen years."

"You can't blame him for what he did. We are – were-" She groaned. "This is so confusing. But we were different people, we didn't know."

"I don't blame him or you. I know if either one of you remembered, you would've come back." He squeezed her shoulder. "How has he been?"

"He wasn't the guy you knew, the one you fell in love with. He was still sweet and overprotective of me." She smiled. "But you've seen how he's dressed now, right?" He hummed with a blush, and she chuckled. "You like it, don't you?" She poked his chest. "Well, Reg is really popular with the crowd. Men and women." Remus scowled. "He had his hook-ups over the years, but like he said only one serious relationship. He was social and funny, not just the dry kind we were so used to. But he never really opened up to anyone but me and Cor. So even now when we have our memories back, we're not going to be the same, I just want to tell you that. You won't get your mopey, quiet, Reg back."

"I'll take any version of him without hesitation, just like I'll take any version of you."

"Then you should take the time to get to know him. Ask him out on a real date."

"Do you think he'll say yes?" He asked unsure.

"I know he will say yes." She squeezed his hand with a large smile. He smiled back, lighting up his face. "You're still so handsome."

He laughed loudly then. And, oh, how she had missed it. She watched his laugh, his eyes sparkled, this was her best friend and she felt horrible for forgetting him. Suddenly she started crying.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He tilted her head, searching her eyes.

"I just hate myself for forgetting you."

"Oh, Iz." He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her against his chest. "It's not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty."

"You were my first and best friend, how is it possible that I forgot you." She wheezed between her sobs. She has never cried like this before, never. She was heaving harshly, and her heavy crying turned into a full-blown panic attack.

"Breathe, Izzie. Breathe."

"I - I ca- can't."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He picked her up and apparated them away.

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She didn't know where he took her, maybe it was the hospital. She could only see a white ceiling and Remus's hair. "Regulus!" He cried out. She's at the house. Sirius's house, the house he had bought for her. The panic attack got worse, her breaths became shorter, and she started to lose her sight. "She - she was starting to have a panic attack and I can't calm her." She could just register the tremble in his voice, which meant he was crying.

"Put her on the couch." Reg's voice said. Remus put her down, and Reg's hand went over her hair. "You're okay, we're okay. Breathe, love, breathe."

"What happened?" Sirius voice was frantic. But hearing his voice, it soothed her. And her breathing slowed.

"Sirius, come here."

"I don't think -"

"Sirius! Now!" Regulus snapped. "Talk to her."

"I - uhm – I don't know what to say."

"Doesn't matter, it's already working."

"I - oh, okay." He took in a deep breath. "Do you remember after we went cake tasting, you asked me what my first memory of you was." She could hear his voice tremble. "My first true memory of you is when we were at Charms in our first year, you and Lily were showing everyone off with your Charm work. You did the Ice Charm and started skating on it in the middle of the room. I remember how your hair came lose in your bun. You were so cute."

She felt him intertwine his fingers with hers. Her vision came back and saw the tears on his cheeks. Her breathing slowed considerably, and she closed her eyes. With his free hand, he caressed her hair. She sighed in contentment.

"What happened?" She heard him ask Remus.

"We were just talking, and she started crying, saying she hated herself for forgetting. I've never seen her cry like that. It resulted in a panic attack; I couldn't stop it." Remus's voice was close, she figured he was standing at the back of the couch.

"It's been hard on her." Regulus whispered.

"I'm so sorry, Izzie." Sirius's voice was close and then his lips were on her forehead. Her heart fluttered in her chest. "I never meant – I just want you to be happy. I won't make this harder on you, I promise." He kissed her hand before his touch disappeared. She pushed back the tears and focussed on her breathing; she didn't want to start it all op again. Remus took his place and took her hands in his.

"Have you contacted Lily?"

"They're coming home tonight." Harry's voice said suddenly. "What happened?"

"Panic attack." Remus murmured, rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand. "We should let her sleep." He started to pull back, but she squeezed his hand. "Uhm, why don't you guys get some take-out and I'll stay here."

"Chinese?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, let's go." Sirius voice came from further away.

"Do you want me to stay?"

"No, I'm good. You should reconnect with Sirius and get to know Harry." She heard the smile in Remus's voice. "But I want to ask you something later."

"Alright." Regulus's voice intrigued. "Call me if something happens."

"Call you?"

"Right, you probably don't have a cell. Send a fire message or a Patronus."

"I will." After a minute, the doors closed.

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"They are gone."

She opened her eyes and crawled up against him. "I'm sorry, I didn't think I would have a panic attack."

"It's okay." He pulled her close. "You're going through a lot, but just remember we don't blame you. We love you and we're happy to have you two back."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"So, you're going to ask Regulus out?"

He chuckled. "Yeah, I don't want to waste any more time. I love him too much to let him go."

Does that mean, Sirius doesn't love her anymore? He had let her go earlier. "If the two of you are happy, then I'm happy." Her eyes went around the room. It hasn't changed much over the years, some furniture had been replaced and more pictures had been added. She stood up and her eyes went over the fire mantle. A lot of pictures were with Harry, from starting as a baby curled into Sirius's arms to the now fourteen-year-old boy. The pictures from when Harry was younger, Sirius was pale and skinny, the light had dimmed from his eyes.

"He wasn't himself for a long time." Remus said as he joined her at the fire mantle. "It took him years."

Her eyes found a picture of herself, hidden behind the others. "I'm happy he moved on, he deserves to be happy."

"He never moved on." Remus said taking her picture and placing it in front. "He still carries a picture from the two of you around in his wallet, he still has a picture of you on his nightstand. He never had a real relationship after you."

"Oh." She whispered.

"What he said earlier, it was just so you wouldn't feel pressured. I'm sure of it."

"If he never moved on, why did he stay here? I wouldn't, it would be too hard."

"I think he never lost hope you would be back, that you would find your way back home." When he saw her looking around, he said. "Why don't you look around, I'll make us some hot chocolate, just the way James makes it."

Before she could answer, he disappeared in the kitchen. She walked up the stairs, straight to her and Sirius's old room. He stayed in the house, but it was obvious he didn't stay in the same room. The room was empty except from a few dusty boxes. She walked over to the window, which looked like it hadn't been opened for years. Taking in a shaky breath, she climbed the spiral staircase. The roof was empty. No lights, no candles, no blankets. Just dark, empty and wet. She glanced up at the dark grey sky, rain drizzling down on her face. No stars in sight. Despite the rain and lack of stars, she sat down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She closed her eyes as the rain soaked her through and through.

"Izzie! You're going to get sick." Sirius was in front of her, shaking off his own jacket to wrap around her. He looked so worried.

"You broke everything down." Her voice was slightly muffled from the rain.

"I couldn't come up here without you." He said averting his eyes.

"I'm sorry." Her breathing accelerated. "I'm sorry I forgot, I'm - I'm -"

"Izzie, love, breathe." He sat down and pulled her in his lap. "Breathe for me, please."

"I'm - I'm sorry. This – is – all – my fault." She said between panic breaths. "You hate me -"

"Izzie." His voice was frantic because her breathing didn't slow down. Then suddenly his lips were on hers, her erratic breathing stopped. "I could never hate you." He leaned his head against hers. Then he reared back. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. I just wanted to stop the panic attack. It - it was a mistake."

"A mistake." She whispered, shuffling off his lap. Of course, because he doesn't love her anymore. She took in a few breaths before standing up. Because she avoided his eyes, she didn't know he was looking at her with hurt in his eyes when she crawled off his lap. "We should head back inside." She took off his coat and handed it to him before going down the stairs. By the time, Sirius came down, she was already sitting on the dining table, completely dry.