I would like to thank all of you who have been reading, reviewing, following my stories over the past decade, for the support as well as the incredible confidence boosts you've given me. However, I'm afraid that my health problems have been affecting affect my ability to write, even in French, which is my native language. Since what little energy and focus I have left must be channeled toward paying work, time-consumming hobbies such as writing must take a back seat for the time being.
I wish I could have finished Love or Dutyproperly, but truth is, I've lost the mojo almost as soon as I began posting.
So I'm simply posting the resume I had written several months ago as the only conclusion I can offer you:
- During the war, David comes home for a brief permission. They elope and get married, to their respective families' horror. The wedding night is rather hurried and not all that pleasant, Michaela not knowing what to do, only knowing about conjugal relations from books and her mother's warnings about propriety. But there's no time to work on that aspect of their relationships as David must go back to the front, only to be taken prisoner after a few days at Manassas, then incarcerated in Andersonville.
- When he gets out prison and returns home, David is crippled and impotent. Despite her father's warnings and fear she's throwing away her life and career, Michaela seeks ways to rehabilitate her husband's health. But months, years go by, and there's no remarkable improvement, David's mood is getting sullen, and Mike is feeling more and more despondent too. With David's impotence there's no way she could get pregnant. And David rejects the idea of adoption. And when her father dies, she not only loses her patients but her place at the hospital and her right to use the facilities to help David. She's heartbroken on many accounts.
- Dr. William Burke, who's in love with Mike, but has lost hope to win her heart and hand – he learns the marriage has been consummated so it can't be annulled when she rejected his courtship -, suggests she takes David to a place in the Colorado Territory, where he might benefit from the hot springs, fresh air and change of scenery.
- Despite the argument it causes – as David is certain that his wife is unfaithful and has an affair with William – still he agrees to go, mainly to get Mike away from her supposed lover.
- The travel is hard, especially the last leg of the journey on a stage, as the train still won't go further than St Louis. While on a stop-over of a couple of days in Saint-Louis, David realizes she's not pining for William as he has been expecting her to, actually seems in a better mood and looking forward to the change, he then apologizes to his wife for his accusations, then states that the change will be good for her as well.
- They end up in a small frontier town, Colorado Springs. They will be renting the hunting chalet – quite a large house by frontier standards – on General Palmer's estate. There they meet Sully, a widower, who acts as Palmer's gamekeeper and handyman, but is also the friend of the local Cheyenne tribe, for whom he acts as intermediary and negotiator, and Charlotte Cooper, the midwife and owner of the boarding house, and her three children, whom Michaela befriends right away.
- Without servants around, Michaela has to learn the basics of housekeeping with the help of her new friends. But caring for her husband and balancing endless chores exhaust her, not to mention that she misses practicing medicine. She eventually relents when David suggests they hire a governess who will also be his night nurse. Michaela learns how to ride a horse and drive a buggy by herself, to be able to get around as their house is smack dab in the middle of the woods.
- There's no doctor yet. Michaela learns they are looking for one and proposes her services to the town council, who reject the idea of a woman doctor. Loren's refusal to let Mike monitor his wife Maude's heart condition leads to Maude's death. Mike feels terrible, but when she comes home hoping to get some support from David, he only acts as if Michaela was a silly child, expecting "those people" to entrust their health to a woman.
- Though David is slowly getting better thanks to all the physical therapy and the help of the hot springs and the feelings are slowly getting back in his legs – and even his virility shows signs that he might be able to have intercourse again, their relationship slowly deteriorates. Attempts at intimacy fail to David's frustration, while Michaela is disappointed once more about the possibility of having a child, but at the same time relieved not to be subjected to the wifely duty too long and too often, as she finds it crude and void of any of the emotional closeness she unconsciously longs for. But at the same time, Michaela is feeling terrible guilt when she realizes she doesn't care for David the way she used to, even the agreeable friendship, born from the common background, tastes and interest in medicine, and the tenderness of the sweethearts they used to be is fading from their relationship.
- Sometimes later, Charlotte's younger son, upset from not having his pa around, runs away to go live with his hero Sully and the Cheyenne. When Mike wants to join the search for the little boy whom she is truly fond of, David tries to stop her. They have a heated argument, during which it's obvious that he resents her growing involvement with the townsfolk, since they are only there until he can walk again. Michaela being who she is, she gets more determined to go and takes off.
- But she gets lost and ends up in a Cheyenne village. The scene in the teepee turns a bit differently, but still, Sully's touch is comforting as much as it bewilders Mike and awakens something new in her, that she doesn't know what to make of. Mike stops the army from going after the Cheyenne braves. Sully is impressed at her courage.
- They find Brian and bring him home. His leg is broken, but she sets the fracture and sews up the other wounds. Not long after Sully comes to her house one night bringing in a wounded Black Kettle, and they get to know each other a little more as they stand vigil. Soldiers come knocking and Michaela manages to get to the door before Mrs. Colton, leading them on a false trail. Mrs. Colton starts to grow suspicious of Michaela when she overhears Mike and Sully talk in hushed tones about what to do for Black Kettle.
- The only people to accept her doctoring are Horace, Robert E and women, most of them Charlotte's own patients, after word gets around of how Michaela saved Emily and her baby, but then when the influenza hits town, they have no choice but to rely on her. Meanwhile David feels isolated with only Mrs. Colton as company. He's growing more impatient with Michaela each day but feels powerless to stop her from doing what she wants. A part of him still loves her and wants the best for her. He thinks that maybe if she did have a child to care for, that would belong to the two of them, she might feel less trapped, and at the same time, maybe if they were having more normal conjugal relations, she might warm up to him again. He determined in seeing a doctor as soon as possible, without Michaela knowing. He sends Mrs. Colton to the telegraph office, but she comes back with the news that the whole town is shut down, she has heard Mike was on her deathbed herself and had been whisked away by some Indian.
- We also see what happens during the grippe outbreak through Sully's eyes, as he is forced to admit to himself his growing feelings for Michaela. Charlotte opens her boarding house to the sick, and folks that were wary of Michaela at first, like Olive – who feels that Mike is "stealing" her best friend Charlotte's loyalty – help out and get to know her as a talented, dedicated and compassionate doctor. And Colleen declares she wants to be a doctor too.
- When Charlotte drives Michaela back home so she can recover, she realizes the strain between husband and wife is even worse than she suspected. She silently vows to keep a closer eye on her friend from now on.
- Weak as she is, Michaela still fires back when David confronts her about leaving him alone for close to three weeks to expose herself to the deadly epidemic. "What about when you left me behind to fight in the war? Weren't you risking your like? What about the Hippocratic Oath we took as doctors to help the sick no matter what? I *am* a doctor. And this town happens to need one." The fight turns sourer still when he mentions her involvement with the Indians, which makes her all the more furious.
- David sees the truth in his wife's words, though his pride rankles too much to say sorry right away. Still, he's more determined than ever to get better. He summons a physician all the way from St Louis to come for a special consultation. The man isn't very much of help as he suggests David should resort to a prostitute or better, a mistress, to satisfy his needs as obviously, his wife isn't good enough for a proper stimulation. "What can I say, lad? Don't feel bad, it happens to the best of 'em." But David says he wants to get his wife pregnant, to which the "eminent" specialist gives more misogynist advice. If anything, David feels more confused and awkward than ever.
- When he wheels his chair into Mike's room the following night of the doctor's visit and hoists himself next to her, he whispers a half-hearted, grudging apology, clumsily pets her thinking he's being gentle while stroking himself under the covers, summoning the crudest fantasy he can think of, and finally manages a "successful" intercourse, so focused on the process he doesn't pay attention to Michaela's pain, nor that she is taking it completely passively, since on that respect of marriage, she truly doesn't know any better. But as David sleeps besides her, she cries silent tears, thinking that her father was right, that she would have been better off on her own.
- Michaela finds herself getting busier, saving Loren and Myra, then Brian again, with daring operations that eventually convince the majority of the townspeople what an outstanding physician she is. And when Willow Creek water gets poisoned, she tracks the source, with Sully's reluctant help. By then, most people can see how there's obviously more than friendship going on between the two.
- Meanwhile Charlotte sells her boarding house to her friend for a symbolic sum, with which she buys a smaller building and hires Sully and Robert E to fix it up. Mike gets her sign as a birthday gift, and when Sully appears, he gives her the Cheyenne name that Black Kettle has chosen for her, the saddle bags, the hand carved shingle…and they kiss: it feels so right and so wrong at the same time. Instead of leading her to the party, Sully disappears for a few days.
- Mike doesn't see Sully again until Cloud Dancing brings him to her, half beaten to death. Torn between sincere sympathy with Sully's paralysis and venomous jealousy to see his wife more preoccupied with the mountain man's care than his own, refusing Mrs. Colton's help altogether, he does believe the gossip spread by his few visitors, among which the newly arrived banker Preston Lodge. Though some go as far as saying that the good doctor has gotten herself in a fix, David seriously doubts she could have had a child right under his nose, especially now they have resumed marital relations, albeit irregularly and not always complete. Still no sign of a pregnancy so far. But that she may be unfaithful is still possible, given how often it's been reported that she was alone with Sully. And of course, David too has noticed the tangible electricity between them on the few occasions he actually saw them together.
- To David's dismay, Sully recovers fully, which means he remains a dangerous rival. That goads him to work harder to regain his full mobility. He is now able to get up and shuffles a few feet away from his chair with the help of crutches, he even agrees to be subjected to the green paste treatment recommended by Cloud Dancing. As he gains more vigor as the weeks go by, he begins to envision their return to Boston soon…. And forces himself more often on Michaela, fueled by his need to reconquer her mingled with his anger at her for making him a cuckold in front of everybody.
- The pain eventually gets more than Michaela can take, no matter how she still believes that how this part of a marriage is normal, but the more often David uses her – without even the outcome of a pregnancy to console her and give her a pretext to rebuff her husband's sexual demands – the more despondent she gets. When she stops going to the quilting circle and the church picnics, her friends grow concerned, and Charlotte seeks out Sully to see if maybe he could "rescue" her. Charlotte confronts Sully bluntly about his feelings for Michaela, saying that if he truly loves her, he should save her from such an unhappy and unhealthy relationship before she wastes away. "I thought you two were friends. *Best* friends…" "Look, Charlotte, it's more complicated than that. 'Sides *you* are her best friend here, ain't ya?" "Maybe. But I'm not the kinda friend she needs right now. She needs the friend who's gonna carry her off in the night…" Though he scoffs at the notion, still the seed is planted that the woman he loves may be trapped in a more terrible marriage than she ever lets on. But he can't see how she would leave her husband when he is nearly recovered, for the likes of him who has nothing but his heart to offer.
- Trouble keeps brewing between the Dog Soldiers and the Army. First Cloud Dancing is held prisoner by Custer, and with the depth of gratitude she owes to her new Cheyenne friend and teacher in natural remedies, Michaela jumps in the fray and doesn't hesitate teaming up once more with Sully to help him escape. Sully can't stop from expressing his admiration with his comment "you got the heart of a warrior." The compliment stirs Mike's heart the way his birthday kiss did, and that night she finds herself dreaming of Sully – just being in his arms, nothing more. And when she wakes up the next morning, she finds herself wondering what it would be like to let David go back to Boston alone, while she would remain in Colorado, where she was feeling accepted as a doctor, and where she has made friends and even become a respected member of the town council. When she thinks of her future she can only picture herself as single again, but free and independent. No husband in sight. True she has been hoping for a child, but if she's honest with herself, she's glad she never got pregnant at all, as it's become obvious to her their baby would have been born in a loveless, one-way marriage. She sheds a few tears as she considers that she hadn't really loved David as a wife is supposed to love her husband, she has loved the illusion of childish dreams and she has felt it was the right, the loyal thing to do to marry that illusion.
- Secondly, Dog Soldiers blow up the railroad and Sully, while trying to stop them, ends up being shot in the back by a soldier. With the help of Charlotte, Dorothy, and other friends, Michaela successfully removes the bullet and helps with disculpating him. As she watches over him at night while he is under a dose of laudanum, she reflects about how much she has come to rely on him and trust him, how brave he was, and compares him with David. She had thought David had been brave to enlist in the war, but now she realizes Sully's courage is much more than hiding behind a gun, that he is a man of peace, and that he truly cares about doing what's right, and that he embodies many other qualities she had appreciate in her father. At that point something deep in her gut tells her that had Josef Quinn met Sully, he might have said the man before her was much better suited to her than David. Still, she isn't ready yet to act upon her feelings, refraining from giving his forehead or hand a soft kiss, not even permitting herself a caress to his hair.
- David keeps announcing their imminent return to Boston, but Michaela always has a reason to stay. They quarrel again. Then Michaela eventually says she doesn't want to go back ever, as she feels at home here. Of course, David assumes it's about Sully and begins hurling insults at her. Michaela realizes the extent of the gossip about her and Sully – they only shared a brief kiss, for Heaven's sake! – but counters David's accusations with enough poise that he no longer knows what to believe.
- Mrs. Colton packs Michaela's belongings along with David's on the latter's order. Still, one the day before their departure is planned, she still goes on rounds like usual, and despite imminent danger. The army has been raiding more Indian camps in the area, as well as trying to kill off innocent children, women and old men by "offering" blankets that transmitted typhus, all resulting in violent retaliation from the Dog Soldiers. As Michaela witnesses the murder of two soldiers and can't help but admit the truth, she becomes a target for the renegades. While she is out visiting a patient, she gets abducted.
- Of course Sully finds her. They feel each other spiritually, which confirms to both of them that they do have something special. While they are sheltered in the cliff's alcove, Sully asks if the renegades have hurt her. Michaela understands he means rape, doesn't answers right away, making Sully fear she has had to endure such a horrible, cruel thing. Eyes lowered to hide her tears, she whispers "no". Though he is relieved, he suddenly feels shy and clumsy as he offers her the honey and berries. She eats gingerly, looking at him with teary eyes, wanting to throw herself at him and nestle in his arms, while at the same time fearing her move might be misunderstood by Sully. Her whole heart and soul are screaming "Hold me!"
- There is a long silence, during which Sully finished tending to Michaela's bleeding feet. But eventually he asks "Are you goin' away?". She doesn't know what to answer, as she wonders herself if she is truly capable of watching David take off and make it on her own, and then what? They stay married, but hundred miles away? Or will David find a way to coerce her into going back to the place she feels she no longer belongs to? "I don't know. My husband insists we have no reason to stay here now that he's walking again. But this is home to me now." "They say home is where the heart is. Guess the question is, will ya still feel at home here if he's gone and you stay here?" "Yes, I think so. But that doesn't make the decision easier. I want to make the best choice. The *right* choice." "The right choice is doin' what's best for ya." Then, for the first time, Sully uses her given name instead of Dr. Mike. Taking her hands in his, he finally declares his love. "Michaela, I love you. I'd give my life for you, ya know that? I wanna be with you, I need to be with you, always, but most of all, I want you to be happy, so if you tell me now you're gonna go back with him… I'll accept it. I'll support your decision." Michaela is overwhelmed by the magnitude of Sully's feelings and commitment to her. Combined with the lingering impression of how she felt when she *heard" him calling out to her, like their souls could reach one another across time and space, her love for him becomes evident. She's never felt so emotionally close to anybody before. "Oh Sully, I love you too!" They kiss then, softly at first, then more passionately. She would have never thought she'd feel so comfortable kissing a man who wasn't her husband, that it would feel so right, so tender, nor that she would feel so cherished by someone. The love Sully is offering her is precious, precisely because he's the most honorable man she's ever met, and it puts into question everything she had always believed about love, marriage… and sex. No they don't consummate their relationship there on the cliff. That comes later. But no matter how wrong her physical relations with David feels, she is still a normal woman with desires on her own, that she is beginning to discover and accept.
- Sully brings Michaela back home. David is appalled at the state she is in, yet, there is something emanating from her he doesn't understand right away. He's only more determined to have her come back east with him after such an ordeal. He nevertheless agrees to postpone their departure for a few days until the many cuts and bruises have healed.
- One night Michaela decides its's time she admitted to her husband that though the adultery rumors about her and Sully were unfounded, she did have feelings for him. The conversation remains calm however, at opposed to most of their previous discussions. David insists that he does love her, and if he ever felt controlling or demanding, that was only out of fear to lose her, especially as she was adjusting to the rustic way of life out here when he couldn't. He understands she no longer loves him… worse yet, he suspects she never truly did, and only ever liked him because he just happened to be the only man at the hospital who never treated her with scorn, that is, until William Burke joined the staff. David agrees to go back east alone, but says he needs more time to come to a decision about the question of divorce. Michaela sincerely wishes him well as they hug before he climbs into the stagecoach– still quite stiff and awkward – the ever faithful Mrs. Colton in tow.
- Sully has to go to Fort Collins to once again claim the food rations due to the Cheyenne. On his way back to Colorado Springs, his horse gets spooked, and it's when Sam Lindsey comes into their life. During the midnight fishing trip with the Coopers (including Charlotte who also joins in the midnight dip) Sam asks about Michaela's relationship with Sully "you plan to marry him, don't you?" "I wish I could but right now, it's not within my realm of possibilities." She shows her wedding band to Sam. "I'm married to another man, and there's no telling if he'll ever grant me a divorce." "Humph, another arranged marriage? The kind that only makes everyone miserable?" "No, I got myself in this predicament on my own and very willingly. When I got engaged I was so happy that I could have walked on clouds. I did care for David, I loved him as best as I knew how. I didn't realize until much later, that I had only married a childish fantasy of what I thought was true love." Sam reveals her love affair with Carlos, then says: "I understand you reason to wait for a definite answer from your husband before embarking on a new one with Sully. But you two share a unique bond, watching the two of you together is like watching a fire burn. Don't let it die down because of a piece of paper drawn up by some lawyer who will only be out for the money.' "But Sam, that would be adultery. It's a sin!" "What sin? The sin is that you've chosen duty over love years ago. It was an honest mistake, but you're still paying its price. The sin is in the precious time you're wasting not being committed to the man you love body and soul, worrying about social conventions imposed by men. If you're more worried about a possible scandal than you are about enjoying what you have to its fullest before it's too late, then maybe you should reconsider living with your former husband and never see Sully again."
- Sam's warning becomes more ominous when she dies from leukemia soon after. Sully respects totally that their relationship remains chaste for the time being and is even willing to wait until she gets divorced and they can get married. But still he enjoys kisses and likes to express his affection physically, and he has a hard time not getting frustrated when she pushes him away while saying she loves him.
- It's Catherine's arrival that precipitates Michaela's surrender. The young woman's unguarded affection for Sully is another wake-up call. She eventually confesses her fear regarding moving their relationship forward to Charlotte, who has already guessed that her bad experiences coupled with her insecurities as being a "real woman" are really holding Michaela down. Blunt as only a real friend can be, Charlotte explains what she knows of women's sexuality, from her experience as midwife, confident, and woman, what is healthy, the power Michaela naturally has and how she can discover and fully enjoy its benefits. But most of all, she advises that Michaela talks to Sully directly about her fears, as he is the best person to help her overcome them.
- They talk at length, kiss, fondle each other, "ever so easy". But don't go all the way just yet. Sully doesn't want the woman he loves to feel like they have to make love just to prove something. As days turn into weeks, then months and still no word from David, one afternoon as they are stuck at the reservation because of a bad rainstorm, they are given a teepee and deerskin clothing for the night. The atmosphere inside reminisces them of other circumstances that have seen their feelings strengthening. They kiss for a long time until Michaela takes the initiative, timidly yet unequivocally, to make love. Sully is as tender and considerate as David had been self-centered and coarse during that first time long ago. There's no pain whatsoever, only the most agreeable sensation of fulfilment, of being cherished, trusted and accepted just as she was.
- It doesn't take long for Michaela to get pregnant as her relationship with her lover deepens and blossoms at the same time. The pair is overjoyed, despite Michaela's fear of the townsfolk reactions. She actually expects to lose her seat in the council altogether. But save for a few women who do frown at the sight of her swollen belly, most people don't seem to mind one bit, like it's perfectly natural. During a check-up, Charlotte says that's because almost everyone in town thinks that the two had been lovers since Michaela's arrival, so it's old news.
- Michaela resolves into writing to her family about the news. She also requests for an investigation about David's whereabouts, only to learn he never made it further than Denver. Soon enough she receives divorce papers, as well as a note from David asking her to never try to contact him again. Though it hurts, she still sympathizes with his possible reasons.
- As soon as the divorce is official, Sully proposes. They marry right away in a very discreet ceremony,
- Michaela gives birth to a beautiful little girl, Katherine.