Genres/Ratings: Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Angst. (M)
Characters: Raine, Dimitri.
Summary: It was dangerous, laying everything out on the line, but it was the right thing to do, regardless of how utterly terrifying it was. She had made the promise that no one would suffer for her secrets, no one would be betrayed by finding out only after it was too late, and she was ready, willing, and safe in the knowledge that he could leave, and she would watch him go if and when he chose to reject her. It was only right. It was only fair. No one deserved to think they could love her, when she wasn't even human.
Harpstring Moon
Dormitories (Professor's Quarters)
Midnight
Raine wasn't entirely sure how long she read aloud from her father's journal, telling Dimitri of all her father had known and suspected in her early years, and the things he had discovered and worried over in tandem. Dimitri, for his credit, sat silent and unmoving throughout it all, drinking in her words with a slightly narrowed eye and a relatively quiet expression that gave away nothing. It felt like ages had passed by the time Raine permitted herself to close the journal, reaching the end of what she felt was pertinent to share from her father's point of view, and her muscles ached with tension she desperately needed to release from sitting so still next to the taller blond man the entire time as she read.
Slowly, she slid her hand free from underneath his, wondering at the warmth and comfort he had given to her through such a simple touch, and she carefully pushed herself to her feet. He didn't follow her as she stepped away from him and towards the back of her room, and she glanced at herself absently in the corner of her mirror, hating the seafoam-coloured eyes that stared back at her when she glimpsed her reflection. So much change... All unasked for. It made her quiver with self-loathing and disgust, and instinctively her arms wrapped about herself as as she took in a breath and continued, now completely on her own, "After Father passed... After what happened in the Sealed Forest... Things began to fall together more cleanly. Warin and I spoke for a very long time, trying to wring the truth out of what small details we knew, and there was so little to go on... But, after everything, I've come to several conclusions that I feel relatively safe in declaring fact."
"And those things are?"
Hearing his steady voice should have brought her comfort, but she felt nothing but unease as she heard him rising from the bed to stand with her. He didn't approach, and she was grateful for that as she hugged herself tighter about the waist protectively. She turned her eyes to the floor, not willing to risk catching a glimpse of his expression after everything she had told him. He had to know already what she was coming to, he had to understand what she was now... but she understood saying it herself was what she had to do. She took in another deep breath, wishing it would calm her nerves when she only felt more and more tightly coiled, tightly wrapped, as she began shakily, "The first is that for some reason, Rhea is is why I am as I am. She's laid this path before me as if she knew exactly how it would happen... and I want to know why, and how she did it. The second... is that my Crest is unnatural, and not a product of my bloodline. Perhaps my body and the Crest are correlated somehow. I can't say, but I do know that however I came to have it, it was not something as simple as being born with it. And third... Taking both the first and second facts into consideration, as well as my lack of a heartbeat, my powers, my "miracles", as some might call them... I am not actually truly alive. I... I am not human."
"You aren't human?" Dimitri repeated the words slowly, eye narrowing as he watched Raine duck her head down, tightening her hold on herself as if she was desperately attempting to keep herself together somehow. He had heard the tremble in her voice, and he could see her body quivering, though why, he was not sure. It was much to take in, even more to believe, but to this point, he had not doubted her. Hearing it all in Jeralt's own words had only cemented the facts that the Eisner family had faced much tragedy, far too soon in their young lives, and that tragedy, and the suspicion that the Church had played a hand in it all, had been the reason for their secrecy, and their tightly knit bond. It all made perfect sense, and Warin's own words, as well as what he himself had seen, gave him more than enough reason to believe her. This, however... This did not sit right with him, and he was not afraid to say so in a firm, cutting voice, "I don't believe that for a moment."
"You don't? After all you've heard?" Raine demanded, and she turned on her heel, tilting her head back to return the glare Dimitri was now giving her. She could read the belief in his eye, that he had taken her entire story to heart and thought it truth, but calling herself inhuman seemed to be the one thing he would not call a fact. It was too much like her brother's declaration, too accepting without thinking things through, and though she wished it could be comforting, all she felt was a sense of indignation. Why did they continue to avert their eyes to the facts? To make her feel better? It made no sense, and it did her no comfort, and she let that show as she rounded on him, her voice sharp and accusatory, "Someone walking about without a heartbeat, with the powers of a Goddess, is still somehow human to you? I can wield a weapon no one should be able to wield. A Relic that has no Crest Stone. I've died, and somehow lived to tell the tale without a single trace of the wounds that killed me. I remember what happened before I lost those five years. I didn't vanish into the ether... I died that day at Garreg Mach, and still, you say I'm human? No human can do these things. I am not human."
"Then are those tears on your cheeks a lie?"
The question cut her abruptly to the quick, making her take pause as she raised a hand to realize she had indeed began to cry without realizing it in her angry tirade. Her body was aching with emotion, hate, anger, hurt, grief, self-loathing, and it was desperate for an outlet that her still heart simply could not provide. She brushed her hand angrily against her eyes, scraping away the tears, only to find her wrists caught in Dimitri's gentle hold before she could finish the job. He stopped her before she could speak, his hands firm, yet still incredibly careful as they held her wrists when he spoke in a similar, tender, tone, "And what of your smile, that day after we rescued Flayn from the Death Knight? Or the laughter we shared, during the celebratory feast with the Black Eagles and Golden Deer, once we finished with the match in Grondor? And when you mourned your father, both then, and now... Were all of those emotions a lie? Can you feel those things you've showed me, time and time again? Because if you can... Then you are human."
Raine turned her head away, biting her cheek as she wished she could tell him he as wrong, but the firmness in his voice was as strong as the hardest steel. He believed every word he spoke, and nothing she said, no matter how plaintively she said it, would ever make him think otherwise. She tugged vainly, trying to pull away from his hold to at least escape the humiliation of standing in tears in front of him, but he didn't release her. Rather, he settled one of his larger hands over her wrists, grasping them both easily before he raised his own to brush his thumb carefully over her cheek for her. She didn't move, holding her breath as he slowly, tenderly wiped away the tears as they came, and she heard him chuckle quietly to himself before he spoke again, stepping forward to come closer as he asked further, "And now you're red again because of my touch... Is that also a lie? You feel things, Raine. You may have never been the best at expressing that, but you have always had those emotions in you. They were simply buried, and needed aid in coming to the surface. And as for your powers, and your lack of a heartbeat, and your Relic... Even the mystery of your lost five years... I care nothing for any of those things. You still bleed. You still breathe, eat, laugh and cry, just as anyone else does. That makes you human to me."
Strong, unyielding arms tugged her forward, and Raine went willingly as a sob choked in her throat despite her best efforts to stymie it. There was quiet acceptance in every single one of his words, gentle truth and firm belief saturating his tone until it, too, joined the ache that was her entire body, and the arms that wrapped her up in a firm embrace were a stinging but welcome balm. He cradled her close to his chest, nuzzling the top of her hair as he squeezed her waist tenderly, and his voice was rough, ragged with pain for her as he felt her tears falling into the front of his tunic, "Whatever it was Rhea did to you may have changed you... but it did not make you a monster... and moreover, even if it did... I can't say with honest truth that it would bother me. I know it selfish to say, but... You exist, here and now, as you are because of her influence. And that simple fact... You, existing... saved me more times than I can count. Even if the worst of your fears ever came to be true, even if I'm proven a liar and you are something more than human, it won't matter to me. Because you still are you... and you still are the woman who guided me, protected me, and saved me, over and over again. My beloved professor... and my reason for living."
Dimitri felt her collapse into his arms, her breath shaking with pained, broken sobs, and he steadied her easily. Slowly, carefully, he guided her back to her bed, sitting down with her and gathering her into his arms so she could cry her fill into his chest. She clung to him like a lifeline, fingers digging into his cloak to keep him near, and he grit his teeth as he fought with his emotions. There was so much to feel, so much to process, and then there was her... Battered, bruised and broken by all she had been holding close in terror of being rejected should the truth ever escape her lips.
His heart burnt with anger on her behalf, and he understood well now why Warin held such open contempt for the Archbishop and the church. If it was true, that Rhea had somehow had a hand in their mother's death, and in Raine's condition... He would join in turning his weapon towards the Church of Seiros in vengeance should their paths turn in such a direction. To see Raine reduced to this, a mess of tears and fear like a lost child, questioning her humanity, her right to exist... No. It was unforgivable, and he would more than happily stand shoulder to shoulder with her brother when the time came to wrench answers, wrench the truth, out of Rhea's grasp when she was found and rescued. It was not permitted. No one had a right to cause such harm, to instil such fear in anyone... but especially not in her.
The guilt returned again, tempered with sympathy and sadness as he cradled her close in his lap, nuzzling her hair and allowing her to cry. Every single sob was a swordstroke, but he knew she did not need comforting words. She simply needed a chance to release it, to release everything, in safety and in privacy. For too long she had been holding herself in, from herself, her comrades, her brother, and now that the dam had burst, he doubted it would be quick to ebb. But that was not a concern for him. He could wait a lifetime, sitting silently and holding her tightly, if it would give her even a modicum of peace and relief. It was the very least he could do, when she had broken that dam because of him, for him, in some misguided, twisted belief that he had to know all because he cared for her.
Dimitri still did not understand why she feared his rejection, but he supposed he never would be able to comprehend it. Turning her away was impossible. To be told to leave was one thing, a thing he would do readily and willingly, but to go of his own accord now... It could not be done. No matter what she told him, no matter what she did, he would never leave. He couldn't. He was as selfish as she was, needing her, craving her, like a starving man only inches away from sustenance after so long in agonizing hunger. If it was a test, to see if he would flee, he supposed he had passed it... though he knew it wasn't. It was last ditch attempt to save him, save him from what he didn't know, but he knew her soul well enough to guess that much. She wanted him to know what she thought of herself, what she believed to be the truth, if only to spare him from being tied down to a "monster".
The thought made him tighten his hold, though he was weary as he did so lest he apply too much strength as the anger returned with a vengeance. A monster. Inhuman. Hearing such words falling from her lips... Applying such things to someone like her... It was impossible. He could understand her fear, being different was indeed reason to be wary and uncomfortable and even frightened, but it was no reason to call herself inhuman. There was an explanation for why she was as she was, he was confident in that... and even if the explanation was unsavoury, he had already decided it didn't matter. No monster saved lives simply because it was the right thing to do. No monster loved freely, fought to defend their comrades, and shed blood for the things they loved. Humans did those things. A heartbeat wasn't necessary to make her human. Her emotions, her actions, her ideals... Those were enough. They were more than enough.
He held her until her sobs tapered off, until her breathing steadied, and waited patiently as she began to reassemble herself in his arms. He did not mind the wait, and only continued to hold her close, willing to release at once should she ask, but content to let her know he had no intentions of doing so until that moment came. She sniffled once or twice, raising her hands to brush away the remnants of moisture in her eyes, and after what felt like an eternity, she finally looked up at him sheepishly. Colour had returned to her face, pinking it with embarrassment and shame, and her eyes wouldn't lift entirely to his face as she began quietly, her voice still somewhat pinched from her outburst, "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to break down like that..."
"I don't mind." Dimitri answered honestly, and he watched as the shade of pink in her face turned to a deeper red in response. It brought a faint smile to his face, and he reached carefully, his thumb brushing against her cheekbone before reaching to cup her face. She leaned into his caress almost immediately, turning her face so her lips touched his wrist, and he wiped away the last traces of her tears with his thumb before he continued quietly, "You've nothing to apologize for... It was long overdue. I'm only grateful I was here to help you."
Raine reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly as she nuzzled into his palm and allowed a long, shaky breath to finally leave her. It all felt... strangely soothing. The weights she had been carrying, one by one, were slipping off of her shoulders and reminding her of what it felt like to stand tall and unburdened. Her chest still ached and her eyes still smarted, but... Sitting quietly in her quarters, curled up in his lap and feeling the warmth of his skin on hers made everything else going on outside seem small and distant. She wouldn't have dared try to imagine such a thing several moons ago, and she still was struggling to believe it was real now. But his skin was real, the heavy scent of sandalwood and steel filled her head and made her thoughts scatter, and she sighed again as she closed her eyes and held his hand more firmly to her face, "I love you."
Dimitri allowed the words to go through him as keenly as a blade, and he held his breath for a moment as he wondered if the dream would finally shatter. It usually always did here, when she spoke those words to him, and yet... Nothing changed. He still sat with her cradled in his arms, feeling her skin on his and relishing in every moment of it, and he wondered what luck he had, and how undeserving he was of it as his left arm squeezed just a little more firmly about her waist. He needed to remind himself that she was real, that when he woke again on the morrow, that it wouldn't slip through his fingers like all of the other dreams and nightmares had before.
Gently, Dimitri pulled her closer, and was silently glad when she came without complaint or struggle. Rather, she seemed eager to close the distance, sitting up so she could properly move into a better-fitting position between his knees. Her arms wrapped about his torso, barely able to close around the width of him, but she didn't care as she buried her face in his neck. For his part, he had no difficulty at all in enclosing her in his embrace, ducking his head against her hair to return her sigh, quiet, relaxed and comforted as they sat in silence together for a few long moments. He wanted to feel her, wanted to savour the sensation of her resting safe and secure in his arms, and her every little breath on his skin was a sinful little delight he wanted to never stop.
It was odd comfort, but comfort she knew she needed all the same as Raine allowed for the silence to stretch out between them. It had been like this before, she remembered. Times after long sparring sessions, or those quiet, frank discussions that kept them long past classroom hours when they would just simply sit together, side by side, and allow a calm quiet to fill the room, or the arena long after they should have parted. She had missed those days. Missed those times, when even at her worst and most insecure, he was there to make her smile, to help her forget, even though she had known he was suffering with demons of his own. Though they had never allowed themselves to forget their places, a professor and a student, Raine knew better now than to deny what she had felt for him, and how much she had come to rely on his steady presence. She had missed him, and missed him sorely. This was the Dimitri she had known and loved, and realizing he had returned to her, because of her... She buried her face further against his skin to hide the renewed stinging in her eyes. 'Gods, I'm a fool...'
"Raine?"
His quiet, concerned call of her name was more than enough to dismiss any notions of hiding and pretending, and she wondered if she had erred in pressing the issue that he could no longer call her "professor". The sound of her given name on his tongue did things to her body and mind that it truly shouldn't, and even now, she felt an unbidden shiver sent goosebumps erupting across her skin in a foreign, but very pleasant reaction she had no control over. She shook her head a little to ward off his worry, but she didn't let him go as she murmured into his neck, "I'm just... trying to take all of this in... I missed you. The real you... I didn't realize how much until now. I did my best to stand on my own two feet, but really, all those years ago, I was always leaning on you for support. Having you beside me became something I took for granted... Being unable to be near you all these moons, despite my best efforts... It was... the hardest thing I've had to do. I worried over you so much... This feels unreal. Good, and comforting, and everything I could ever ask for, but... still unreal."
"I can say the same... That it feels like I'm dreaming." Dimitri agreed with a slow nod, and he soothingly ran his hand down her hair and back, rubbing in slow, small circles as he felt the warm wetness of a stray tear trickle down his throat. It made him ache, hearing her speak openly and honestly of how hard it had been on her all these moons, but he knew he had to accept it. He had been nothing short of a monster to her, and he still had no idea why she had clung so hard to him, and for so long. It had saved him, he knew it had, but he still had difficulty understanding the why, even if she had clearly said so now. He didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve her. And he pressed a slow, careful kiss to the top of her head before admitting quietly, "But you... You know that... what I was... that is also me. Saying that how I am now is the "real" me... That's an easy excuse for me to take advantage of wriggling away from my behaviour. I was a beast. I still am. I may be trying to divert my course, but it doesn't change what brought me here... and as sorry as I am for all of it, every last moment... I need to take claim over it, just as much."
"You're going to continue to punish yourself for this for a long time, aren't you?" The question didn't need an answer, as Raine could see it written clearly all across his face when she pulled back just enough to get a good look at him. The regret was honest and raw, as was the mournful note in his voice, and she wished she could heal him as easily as magic had healed her. But that was beyond her grasp, and she knew time was the only tonic he had. Time, and support, which thankfully she could give, even if he would be resistant to it at first. Still, she was stubborn, and she reached to touch his face as she mused quietly, "If that's how you want it to be, that's all right, I guess... but I won't be leaving you, no matter what it is you say of yourself. Nor will I be sending you away. I can't. I need you too much to be without you again. So long as this path is the one you intend to stay on... I'll walk beside you for the rest of my life."
"This is the path I wish to walk... and I appreciate your willingness to share it with me." Dimitri answered honestly, and he took her hand in his to bring it to his mouth for a gentle kiss to her fingers. It still felt small and frail in his own, but it was no longer freezing to the touch, and he relished in that fact as he brought it between his own to hold it tightly. His thumbs rubbed circles across her knuckles, appreciating the smooth warmth of her pale skin, and he was loathe to let go for any reason... Though he was reminded, it wasn't his hand to hold, regardless of what she said, or how many times she said it. "Still, I... It seems as if I'm asking for all from you, and having so little to give in return. I still haven't proven myself... I still need to do so much more. Taking back Fhirdiad is only the first step of many... Will it be enough? Will ending this war be enough...? I doubt it will be. There will be so much more to do after... Though, I realize it's ridiculous of me to be complaining to you. You've thought of all of this already."
"That's giving me more credit than I'm due for... I've had to plan for multiple outcomes, that's simply how being in command works. I haven't thought of everything." Raine disagreed with a shake of her head and a rueful smile, but Dimitri merely looked at her with raised eyebrows as well as a crooked, almost boyish-looking smile in reproach. It brought heat flushing back into her cheeks, and unbidden she rubbed at her nose, turning her head away from him as she repeated firmly, "It's true! I had no idea that things at Grondor would go our way... That was a gamble I took, and it was only luck that pulled us through. Lorenz and Marianne could have been intercepted, or killed, long before they reached Derdriu, or any friendly ears... and Claude could very well have refused to hear our plea for a truce, and taken full advantage of us when we were at our weakest. And we still don't know how things will go once, and if, we manage to achieve true unity between the Kingdom and Alliance. There are still too many variables."
"There are indeed... but you shouldn't be thinking of such things right now." Dimitri cut her off gently before she could retreat too far into her thoughts and plans and schemes, and he squeezed her hand in tender reproach when she looked up at him with both confusion and a hint of embarrassment. He continued quietly, lowering his head to touch his nose to her own before muttering, "You've been overworking yourself... There's a reason you were put into sleep for so long. All of those burdens on your shoulders... You won't be carrying them alone any longer. Most of the weight you held was meant for me. I'll be relieving you of it, from today on. Though, that isn't to say I will not need you. Nothing could be farther from the truth... But I still intend to take up the role that was meant for me. Both in command, and, one day, as the king I was meant to be."
"You'll tire yourself out if you take on too many burdens too quickly... but I suppose I shouldn't be saying that in my state, should I?" Raine asked with another rueful smile, and unbidden, she leaned into Dimitri's chest as she allowed her body to relax. He was comfortable, far more comfortable than her pillows and blankets, and she sought instinctively and unthinkingly for him and the comfort he gave simply by being there. She was tired. She had been tired for moons on end... and she could still feel the lingering traces, in the fog in the corners of her mind, and the weakness in her limbs. "I'll be glad for the help... but I don't intend to let you do it all on your own, either. I may need a few more days of rest before I'm back to my usual self, but once I am, I will be joining you all at the head of the table as I once did."
"I know better than to argue, and I will also not lie and say your presence hasn't been missed. You're a strong voice, and one that all listen to... Amongst ourselves, we just fall into squabbles, like little schoolchildren. Even now, when our academy days are long behind us, you still are our professor, and we need you sorely to keep us all in line." Dimitri admitted with a trace of a chuckle, and he thought of the long, fruitless meetings he had held in the Knights' Hall, and how regardless of his attempts, rarely could he manage to exert authority as she could. So flawlessly she commanded their attention and obedience, even of her elders and supposed betters, and he shook his head as he mused, "Your brother has stepped up valiantly in your absence, and his level-headedness is much appreciated... Though, unfortunately, he frightens half of the lot of them, and angers the other half with his rough speaking. But no one doubts his experience, so his voice holds as much weight as yours does when he speaks... and it helps that he has most of the old guard, and your father's troops, firmly behind him. I must admit, sometimes I find it shocking that he was passed over as Knight-Captain."
Raine hid a smile and shook her head, knowing full well Warin's attitude and lack of loyalty to Rhea was exactly why he had been passed over for such a position, but she was glad still to know his voice was being respected in her absence. He was a strong leader, to those who had known him previously, and those who had worked with him throughout his time in amongst the knights. His strength was almost without equal, his experience was vast, and his ability to keep a calm head, and sense incoming disaster made him a perfect candidate for leadership... but not underneath the yoke of the Church of Seiros. "He would have never accepted the position had it been offered. Alois is a stronger candidate by far compared to him. Besides, the ones who would have supported Warin would have loyalty only to him, not to the Knights of Seiros... Something I'm sure both Rhea and Seteth were well aware of. He frightens them because he won't be cowed into submission. Or rather, because he can't be cowed. It's been like that for as long as we've been together. He cares only about people as they are as people... Nobility, Crests, stature, religion, or wealth... None of that matters to him, so he doesn't think of it when he looks at you. He sees only you, and he judges only that. I believe that Rhea was truly frightened of him... She had every right to be."
"Do you worry what will happen when Rhea is found?"
"If Warin will hurt her? No. He's not stupid, as much as he's angry... but he will be demanding the truth from her. As will I." Raine shook away the question with a flick of her wrist, though she well understood why Dimitri would ask it. It was a fair concern, after all she had told him and all he now knew, and she didn't blame him for being wary of her brother. Anyone else would be, and most already were out of sheer instinct. Still, she admitted with a bitter sigh as she ran a hand thoughtlessly through her hair, and then down to rest errantly on her chest, "She's hid too many secrets, for far too long... No more. We need her knowledge, and she has no authority with which to cow us now. When she's found, she will be answering our questions. What we do with that information... Well, that depends on what we're given, and how she gives it."
Dimitri was quiet, absorbing both her words and watching how her hand plucked idly at her shirt, directly over her heart. He wondered if she knew what she was doing or why, and it brought his curiosity, that ugly, burning, bitter curiosity rearing back to the surface. He believed her when she said her heart didn't beat, she had no reason to lie to him, and yet... It puzzled him how she still had a pulse, how she still could move, act, and react with her heart laying still inside of her chest. Was it as simple as the power of her Crest forcing her body into function? He didn't know, and he doubted he ever would. It was well beyond the scope of his understanding, and something far more into the reach of myths and ancient history. Still... He reached out again, gently settling his hand over hers before he began quietly, slowly, "Raine... If I might be so bold to ask...?"
"You want to feel for yourself, don't you?" Raine finished his question before he could ask it, and she felt an awkward and bitter smile curling at her lips despite herself. She turned her head so he wouldn't have to see her expression, and she wondered why she felt feverish... She had expected this. It was one thing for him to feel her pulse, but it was another entirely for him to feel her lack of a heartbeat for himself... and she owed him the chance to feel it so he understood exactly what it was that she was. Words alone were not enough. And she settled her hand on top of his, holding it down before she murmured softly, "I'll let you, but... Just, don't... stare, okay? It's... embarrassing enough as it is, having to show you, as necessary as I know it is. This will be the first time that... anyone put their hands on me like this."
"If you don't wish for me to touch you..."
"It's fine. Don't make me lose my nerve." Raine interrupted him brusquely, knowing her courage was rapidly dwindling and that she needed to act before she decided she didn't wish for this after all. She had prepared for it, showing proof, but it still made her body hot and her face red as she took his hand and guided it underneath her shirt. He held himself completely still, allowing for her to do all of the work to make it less awkward for her, and she both appreciated and hated it as she fussed for a moment, and then settled his hand under her breast and over her heart. She flattened his palm over her skin, pressing down to allow him to feel the nothingness he'd need to feel to confirm her words, and she held her breath despite herself to keep herself from bolting up from the bed. His hand was hot on her skin, large and callused and deliciously firm, and it made her ache wondering how it would feel to have him touching her elsewhere, with more strength and purpose.
Dimitri narrowed his eye, focussing all of his concentration into his hand as it lay across her bare chest to feel... absolutely nothing. She was sitting still as a statue, her cheeks burning crimson as she held her breath, and yet... Her heart didn't pound as his did inside of his chest. He could feel it thrumming in his ears, arousal spiking despite himself, and he swallowed down the knot in his throat in a desperate attempt to quell it. He wanted to focus only on the absence of her heartbeat, and yet... Her skin was soft, yielding underneath his fingertips and beckoning for more of his touch, and only the tightest of reigns he could manage stopped him from sliding his palm downwards to follow. But his control wasn't absolute, and he proved it as his head lowered against the back of her neck, and he whispered raggedly as he felt her momentarily tense, before relaxing with a ragged breath of her own, "You're still so warm... Have you always been...?"
"I don't... I don't know..." Raine admitted with a shiver as his breath scorched her throat, and unbidden her head tilted to the side to give him more room to nuzzle. He took it almost at once, his lips brushing longingly across her neck and collarbone, and she bit her lip to stop herself from hissing in surprise. His hand followed suit, fingertips tentatively dragging across her skin in a whisper of a caress to reach across her chest before clasping her opposite breast in his palm. She hissed as his callused skin dragged across her sensitive flesh, rubbing against her pert nipple and making her gasp aloud with a mixture of pleasure and shock. It was all foreign, all new, and yet it still felt so absurdly welcome and good. It made her forget her shyness, her awkwardness, and instead changed it all to a yearning hunger she knew, but hadn't ever embraced before.
"Raine... May I...?" It was a low, growled question as Dimitri's mouth dragged across her throat and to her ear, and his fingers grasped and groped, rolling that sensitive peak to hear her gasp again in pleasure. She was burning underneath his hands, her body quivering against his chest as she leaned back to further grant him access to her body. His trousers were painfully tight, his heart hammering in his ears as he ached for relief, relief and that harsh, unrelenting desire to satisfy all of those urges those dreams and nightmares had left him with ever since they had first begun to haunt him years ago. Still, he held himself back from taking more, fighting to keep the animal in control as his teeth grazed against her earlobe, "If you say no... I'll stop... I can stop... if you don't wish for this..."
The promise made her shudder all the way to her very bones, and her head turned unbidden, lips searching... He rewarded her immediately despite his words, his mouth pressing down against hers with furious, desperate passion. His tongue plundered her gasping mouth, his right hand tightening its hold on her breast while his left reached up, tangling in her hair to tilt her head further back so he could deepen the kiss easily. She groaned deep in her throat, chest constricting as her fingers curled into his sleeve to ensure his hold on her chest as every inch of her throbbed in want. To ask him to stop now would almost be as painful as taking that dagger in the back again, and she whispered as they parted for a gasp of air, "No... Don't stop... I want this. I want you."
As if to prove it, Raine reached down of her own accord, pulling her shirt up and over her head before he could find a word to say in reply. Dimitri groaned at the sight of her bare skin, that eager, desperate look in her eye, and immediately he was crashing his mouth against hers again for a long, hungry kiss before she could properly turn about. It didn't matter. He didn't want to wait, either. His hands moved of their own will, reaching, grasping, searching, and she groaned and twisted in his arms, eagerly granting him access to wherever he wished and twitching and shivering each time his callused skin brushed new territory he was so hungry to claim. She wasn't entirely sure where this frenzy had come from, what had taken either of them over, but it didn't matter. Too much had been pent up between them. Want, longing, lust... She could call it whatever she wished. It still made them desperate, made them wild, and she was more than happy to throw better sense and thought to the wind.
"You, too... Take it off..." Her words were the only thing capable of penetrating that hazy fog in his brain, and Dimitri only hesitated for a moment before obeying. Taking his hands off of her was hell, robbing himself of that smooth, silken feel of her skin, and he clumsily, hastily pulled his tunic off and threw it thoughtlessly off of the cot. The spare moment gave him a chance to see her, bent forward in between his legs, shoulders heaving from her panting and giving him a quick, but long enough glimpse of her back that he hadn't taken pause to see before in his haste earlier that night.
She was scarred, though not nearly as badly as he was from her lifetime of warfare and mercenary work. The most prominent of her old wounds was her newest, the long, ragged mark over her shoulderblade and heart, which stood out in a dark, shiny maroon against the creamy tint of her skin. The others were small and almost easy to ignore in comparison, small nicks of missed hits, barely anything to note when he glanced down at himself. He was a ragged mess of scar tissue himself, with his armour's dents, nicks, and patching all covering up the wounds it had failed to protect him from. And that was before he counted the marks of the Tragedy of Duscur, the burns on his back and upper shoulders from the regicide he had only barely managed to survive as a boy.
His pause was too long, making Raine turn her head to glance at him questioningly, and he shook his head before leaning down to capture her lips in a soft, gentle kiss. He pulled her slowly upright again, brushing his mouth gently, tenderly along her collarbone as his hands wrapped snugly about her waist to unbuckle her belt to gain access to her trousers. She hissed softly, squirming slightly with both impatience and hunger, only to freeze as she felt his lips dragging down her neck and to her shoulder. He was soft, hesitant as he hovered just over the place where her scar began, and his voice was ragged when he whispered, "Let me... make you forget... Tell me at once... if I hurt you..."
"Mmn...!" His fingers slid past the hemline of her smallclothes, probing, searching, stroking as his lips fell gently on her scar, and she heard rather than felt herself moan at the twinge of pain that was accompanied by a white-hot flash of pleasure. He was gentle, absurdly gentle as he found that hot, wet entrance and slid his fingers in, and she bucked thoughtlessly, grinding her hips forward into his palm as his tongue flicked out to cover the length of her scar. She knew he was restraining himself, desperately trying to find a medium between too soft and too hard for fear of hurting her accidentally due to his strength, but she didn't have the presence of mind to try and scold him for it. It felt too good.
Dimitri grit his teeth at the sensation of her body reacting so eagerly to him, and only that warning, that ceaseless, shriek of a warning of letting go even for a moment forced him to restrict himself. She was not a sewing needle, or even an iron lance... With his bare hands, he could cause her more harm than he ever wished if he dared to forget himself, even for a moment. He couldn't take out his wants on her unrestrained, no matter how much either of them would wish for it. It would only lead to her hurting, and that he would never allow. Never again.
He nipped at her pulse point, marvelling at how there, at least, he could indeed feel the flow of her blood under her skin even if his hands could not capture the sensation of her heartbeat. Her low, pinched moan of pleasure only tightened his groin, and he bent her over onto her hands and knees, reaching to delve his fingers deeper as his mouth once again travelled across her back. He watched her hands grasp at the bedsheets, felt her thighs trembling about his arm, and despite himself... He smirked with arrogant pride. Those sounds she made were for him. Because of him. The way she looked, panting, trembling, flushed from head to toe... Also because of him. No one would ever know she could make those noises, could look like this... No one but him.
His thumb brushed across that sensitive bundle of nerves that were the source of her pleasure, and he heard her cry out before she gritted her teeth audibly in a desperate attempt to control her voice. It almost made him laugh as he sat up on his knees behind her, pressing himself down across her bare back so she could feel his skin on hers as he continued to pleasure her. His fingers moved in a slow, deep mockery of what was to come as his teeth dragged across the nape of her neck and back to her earlobe, whispering thoughtlessly as the gasps and moans she made drowned his mind in a haze of lust, "By the flames, I've wanted you like this for so long... Too long. Even when we first met... You were the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid my eyes on... I wanted you, right from the beginning... You've haunted me for so long... Hearing your voice now... Feeling you... I'll never be able to get enough."
"D-Dimitri..." Raine groaned as her knuckles whitened as she grasped desperately at the bedsheets to try and find an anchor to hold herself against him. He was growing rougher, his breathing turning deeper, harsher in her ear, though she wasn't sure if he was aware of it or not. She felt no pain, not even discomfort as he grasped her waist to steady her against his movements, and hearing those words being growled into her ear only made her want him all the more. If he was being honest, then he had been the first to know, but that was flattery she dearly enjoyed hearing. She knew herself when she had fallen for him, though it had taken hindsight for her to realize just what those feelings that had been stirring in her chest, but to say it as openly as he did... She wasn't sure she had the courage.
Dimitri watched her left arm shudder, threatening to buckle in keeping her upright as she fought to lengthen the pleasure and stave off her climax, and he halted his movements almost immediately as he understood her weakness was making itself known again. She whimpered with dismay as his fingers quit their torture and then withdrew, but he was quick to soothe her as he leaned backwards, taking her with him and removing all the weight on her arms as he whispered huskily against her neck, "You still aren't fully recovered... It'll be easier on you if it's like this..."
Slow, firm hands easily lifted her off of her knees with all the ease of picking up a book, and Raine wasn't sure if she was more aroused or startled by just how strong he was to be able to manipulate her body so easily. In one smooth movement she had gone from sitting up on her knees to now straddling his waist, and she bit her lips as she felt his arousal straining against his trousers to graze against her core. Her hips moved thoughtlessly for more friction, eliciting a sharp groan from the man underneath her, and she bit her lip, taking a moment now that she had it to study him as he held her, loose but close as he stared up at her with hunger written plain across his face.
No matter where her hands landed on his torso they found a scar of some sort, from that X shaped wound that mimicked the cerulean filling his ebony armour boasted, to many other hints of battles won, lost, or barely survived over his last five years. It was with a mix of pain and bittersweet experience that she could name each weapon that had given him each scar, and her fingers were gentle, soothing as she stroked over each one as she took advantage of the change of position to touch him. Burn scars, long faded but still noticeable decorated his shoulder and travelled farther across his back, likely from the attack in Duscur territory, and she leaned down against him, her lips touching his shoulder when she murmured, "I love you... Touch me, Dimitri. Make me feel whole again... You're the only one who can..."
Stifling a groan, Dimitri watched as Raine shed her trousers and smallclothes in one, smooth, elegant movement before she pulled at his buckle to release him from his own restraints. He watched, panting and grasping tightly at the mattress as she pulled the offending garments down for him, obviously pleased to be doing him any sort of service after all he had already done to her. She straddled him again the moment their clothes hit the floor, pressing every inch of her bare skin to his as her arms wrapped around his neck, and his hands rose to her waist, holding her still when she began to lift herself up on her knees in preparation. She looked to him quizzically, her seafoam-coloured eyes wanting and curious and dazed all somehow at once, and he reached to touch her lower lip, stroking it with his thumb before he whispered raggedly, "Do you want this...? Do you truly want me?"
Raine felt both a mixture of exasperation and bittersweet affection at his hesitation, his uncertainty, even after everything that had already happened between them. Part of her couldn't believe he still needed the reassurance, but the other was well aware it was necessary. He was afraid... Afraid and hurt and desperate, and to him, everything was as fragile as glass in those powerful hands of his. Herself included. It didn't matter how far they had already gone, or what words they had traded... He still needed to know, needed to hear her say the words. It was as endearing as it was painful, and she cupped his cheeks, her fingers caressing his skin and his bangs as she embraced him wholly as she asked in a soft murmur, "You're asking me this even now...? You have to know the answer already..."
"I can't... give you anything but myself... and as I am... That's less than nothing. You're hedging all of your bets on me somehow managing to succeed where all I've ever done is fail." Dimitri's words came harsh and haggard, and though his entire body was shrieking to forget the words, forget his better sense... He still clung to it with all the strength and sanity he had left to him. It didn't matter how soft and hot she felt against him. It didn't matter how her voice had done things to him that even his dreams has failed to do after five long years of near-constant torment. He couldn't in good faith proceed... Not yet. It choked him, made his voice crack even as his hands trembled on her waist to ensure she did not move, "I will give you everything you ask... Whenever, however you ask of it of me... Even if it's just to be a slave to your whims for the rest of my life, to leave in the morning and come back every night, I'd do it happily for you... but what do you get in return? What promise can I make, that you can trust in, when I haven't proven anything yet?"
It hurt, hearing him speak so lowly of himself even though a great part of her new it was right of him to. He hadn't yet done anything of true substance. A battle in Brigid, and a battle to secure the safety of Garreg Mach simply were not enough to redeem him. She knew it just as well as he did. Still... She didn't want it to matter. He had suffered long enough. He had been punishing himself for long enough. To hear him say so willingly he would be her slave and do so happily, if that was all she wished from him... She understood that level of self-hatred, of unwillingness to believe he deserved anything but the scraps off of the floor, but she wouldn't allow it to consume him again. She wrapped her arms about him to hug him close, well aware he wouldn't permit her to do more than that when they were so close, and so on the verge, but she ignored it as she asked him plainly, "Can you promise that you'll love me?"
"I can promise you that, but..."
"That's all I want, Dimitri. I just want you to love me." Raine interrupted him before he could once more drag himself back down, and she leaned back on her knees, staring at him as her fingers twined themselves lovingly in his thick, shaggy blond mane. His one cerulean eye watched her longingly, want and hunger and adoration all mixing into a desperate, woeful expression, and she pulled him gently forward, allowing their lips to brush in the faintest of kisses as her body pressed flush into his, "I don't need anything else for this moment... Just you loving me. If you do, and you promise to continue, then... I'm already yours. Take me. Because every moment I have to wait is torture... I need you."
"As you wish..." Dimitri whispered as her mouth covered his again in a deep, hungry kiss that gave everything, and held back absolutely nothing. His skin felt as if it was aflame all over again as her naked body slid against his own, searching, urging, and his hands slid down along her sides, resting on her hips to direct her movements. He watched as she bit her lower lip in expectation, seafoam-coloured eyes half-lidded with pleasure, and he was slow, painfully slow as he lowered her onto him. Both of them groaned in unison as she sheathed herself on him, her nails pricking at the back of his neck as his fingers gripped down instinctively into her skin as she took him to the brink in one, long, smooth movement. He grit his teeth, resisting the urge to buck up into her as she moaned and twisted on top of him, taking him in and calling his name until their bodies fit together like two lost pieces of a puzzle. He spoke hoarsely, fighting with the last bit of his sanity as he felt her breath on his tongue as her mouth urged for his kiss as he repeated his earlier warning, "Tell me immediately... if I start to hurt you..."
Any response was swallowed by another long, deep kiss as he began to move, slow, shakily and he restrained her far too strongly for her to move of her own volition. She understood his fears fighting with his desires, his want to ravish her at war with his worry of hurting her if he lost control, and for the moment, she ceded to him. It wasn't as if she had the strength to fight him, and those tightly-gripping hands were scalding on her flesh as much as they gave her pleasure as he held her still for his movements. His tongue plundered her mouth as she wrapped her arms tighter around his neck, milking out more sounds she hadn't known she was capable of making as his hips rocked beneath her own.
"Raine..." He breathed her name against her throat as her head fell back when they parted for a gasp of air, and he found his rhythm as her legs wrapped themselves as best they could around his waist. She was tight and hot and wet, and the pleasure was near-blinding as he pushed in deeper with every thrust of his hips. Her moans were music, more beautiful than anything the choir in the chapel could ever manage to make, and his mouth burnt a path down her chest, seeking where his hands had been before as he hissed into her skin, "All those nights in the cold... Dreaming of you like this... Over and over... And you feel so much better in my hands now... I'll never be able to let you go now that I've had a taste of you..."
"Aah...!" Raine bit down hard on her lower lip to stifle her sounds as Dimitri's mouth went on the offensive, kissing, licking, suckling at her sensitive skin with wild abandon. It was a different sensation than his hands, hotter, wetter, but the shivers it drew were all the more sweet for it. It made her tense and twitch, twisting helplessly in his hands as he switched from one taut nipple to the next, lavishing it with all the attention he could muster between his ever deepening thrusts. Then his right hand lifted, his knuckles dragging along her side before his hand affixed itself onto the breast his mouth was not currently occupied by, and she whimpered into his hair as her hips bucked instinctively, "Dimitri, please...!"
It was a helpless endeavour, restraining himself from her when his hands wanted to be all over her body at once despite all better sense arguing to the contrary. He leaned her back against the bed, winding her legs about his hips and pushing in deeper, and her resounding cry of his name only told him he had chosen wisely to cede to his instincts. He was on fire, both with pleasure and with lust, and he slammed forward again, taking advantage of their position to reach even deeper when her back arched and her ankles locked behind his hips. It released something primal, something dark and twisted and bestial inside of him, and his teeth dragged on her nipple as he growled out thoughtlessly, "That's it... Louder... Scream my name... Just like you did in all of my dreams. Loud enough so the whole of the monastery hears you. You belong to me... You're mine, Raine..."
Raine felt her nails scratching down his back as she gripped down onto him like a lifeline, anchoring herself so she could move in time with each of his thrusts. He hit so deep that it was almost painful, but if anything was truly hurting, her mind could no longer register it. There was only him, the scent, taste and feel of his body on hers, inside of hers, and it wiped everything else away cleanly. His words pierced her through like arrows, making her twist helplessly underneath him, and her legs trembled as she gasped out his name in answer to his demand. There was no denying him. Not when her own dreams had been as vivid, been as haunting... She wanted him with a passion bordering on the insane. She wouldn't be sated until she had him. Every last inch.
Yet, there was also that twisting, aching, throbbing feeling deep within that warned her she couldn't take much more of this, no matter how much she still was craving him. Her body was reaching its limit, the pleasure arcing more and more wildly through her nerves until only barely coherent whimpers and moans peppered her every breath. He was so deliciously heavy and hard, making her cot shake with the force of his movements, but she had long since ceased to care about the thuds, or the volume of their noises. And his groans, his snarls that met her own whenever she cried his name... Something was spiking, making her tighten her hold on him fiercely as she gasped against his searching mouth, "Dimitri... I c-can't...!"
"Say my name..." Dimitri repeated hoarsely, clutching her face with one hand as the other held her waist and pinned her firmly to the bed as his hips slammed against her own again and again. Her cheeks were flushed, eyes dazed and lips swollen from his kisses, but still it wasn't enough. Not just yet. He could feel it too, that tightening, the shudder, and his tongue traced her lower lip, milking another ragged moan of his name from her throat as he whispered, "We'll end this together, Raine... Call my name...!"
"Aah...! Dimitri!" Nails broke skin, and Raine heard herself crying out in blissful agony as that something deep within her body snapped when his teeth fell onto her neck as her back arched and her body gave way to a wild spasm. White-hot fingers of pleasure curled themselves around her spine, making her deaf, blind, and numb to everything but the feeling of his body shaking with hers as he joined her climax with his own. She felt herself tense for one long moment, holding that bittersweet cresting surge for all it was worth before the strength was sucked from every muscle in her body and left her exhausted, limp, and breathless beneath him.
She heard him groan, felt his breath heaving through his chest as he nearly collapsed on top of her as a similar weakness tore through him as his end found him. His arm was trembling beside her on her thin mattress as he rested the majority of his weight on it, and when he made to pull away, she dug her nails back into his shoulders unthinkingly. He paused, uncertain, and she clung tighter, unsure of why but feeling that throbbing need all the same deep in her chest and stinging in her eyes when she whispered into his neck, "No... Don't leave me... Stay..."
Gentle hands lifted her slightly, giving him just enough room to roll to the side without dislodging himself from her grip, and she was glad for it as she curled herself as snugly as she possibly could against him. Her legs intertwined with his, trapping him against her and refusing to let go, and from the arms that snaked their way about her body in return, she knew he was in no hurry to let her go, either. His heart was hammering against her cheek in his chest, and his breath was heavy in her hair, but nothing mattered more than the soft, wondering tone in his voice when he whispered, "I love you... More than anything... I love you..."
Raine felt his hand moving along her side and then somewhere behind her over the edge of the cot, searching... and then a warm weight covered her a moment later. She blinked in surprise, realizing he had the foresight to cover her trembling body with his cloak, seeing as the blankets were far too twisted underneath their bodies to be pulled out for any use. It was heavy but shockingly warm, and suffused with his scent as he cradled her close, while their breathing slowly began to regulate. She nuzzled his shoulder, lips errantly pressing against a scar within her reach, and his hands rubbed large, soft circles into her back in answer.
"Will you... stay with me tonight...?"
The question slipped out against her will, but the moment it left her lips, Raine had no regret in asking it. She looked up at him, taking in the sweat-slicked strands of blond hair stuck to his flushed face, and the way his one good eye stared at her as if she held the entire world in her hands. His hold on her gentled for a moment before it became stronger again, more purposeful, and he drew her closer and into a tight, firm embrace. He nuzzled the top of her head, feathering gentle kisses all across the crown of her hair before he muttered back hoarsely, "Tonight, and every other night you ask of me... I'm yours, my beloved. Do with me what you will... I will never leave your side again."
AN:
And after a few chapters of build-up... There's the Raine/Dimitri smut! It's been the Raine/Dimitri show as of late, (but hey, they deserved their time in the limelight) but things will be getting back on track soon with Fhirdiad. There's still more ground I want and need to cover, but I'll be doing so as I go, so please, don't worry. I will get to where I wanna as soon as I can! And there is indeed more couples to be showing up and getting more love as the writing continues, including more Warin and Shamir in the future. This version of AM is setting up to be longer than the canon version (to nobody's surprise), but I hope I've made it entertaining thus far, and not so much of a slog!
I'm finally getting over a nasty infection, and the antibiotics have made me almost as sick as the infection did. I'm off my sleep cycle, but I'm slowly getting back into the rhythm of being human. This month has been tough, but I think I'm over the worst of it thus far. I just need a few more nights of good, normal sleep, and I'll probably be as good as new. The rough part of writing is that it really makes me work nocturnal hours rather than human ones, so I'm tucking in at six am when I should just be tossing about and trying not to wake up... It's a curse, but I want to finish my chapter, dammit!
My penchant for long author's notes seems to have flown out the window along with my sleep schedule, so, I'll just repeat my usual spiel. Thanks for reading this far, and please drop me a review should you feel the need. I thank you so much for your time and appreciation, and I hope you have a good one until we see each other again with my next chapter! See you all soon!
Mood: Slaphappy.
Listening To: "Piece By Piece" - P!nk
~ Sky