"And I would say I love you, but saying it out loud
Is hard so I won't say it at all
And I won't stay very long
But you are the life I needed all along"
A tip of the cap to AWM's pen and to his villainess, Sophia Turner, for the title inspiration.
Chapter 1
Kate Beckett understood pain.
In the name of its own preservation, evil wielding evil had inflicted upon her a sort of pain most could never even begin to fathom, and while her body had prevailed over that which had been sent to destroy it, scars from the horror it'd delivered remained, and they were not physical alone.
Since that hellish day, she'd found some measure of peace with the permanence of the blemishes left on her skin. As much as she hated them, she knew there was no winnable fight against them to be had, no chance for escape. Besides, it was the invisible that occupied her mind, that exhausted her energy, that she hadn't yet been able to negotiate a harmony with.
Though science had worked its miracles and time continued to help salve the burn as best its days and weeks were able, the ghost whisper of the bullet that'd carried her name often blew in and tickled her ear without warning. In the dark, in the light, here or there, it haunted wherever and whenever it pleased, weeks hidden away in a mountain cabin, and hours tucked up in a therapist's chair be damned.
But even Kate Beckett had underestimated the depth of what pain could be.
Kneeling there beside Rick's motionless body, the white of the cavernous room around them suddenly became the brightest she'd ever seen, almost blindingly so, violent in the spotlight it cast over him. Only once before could she remember wanting so much to look away and being equally paralyzed to do so.
"Castle, say something, please. Can you hear me, Castle?"
As the seconds ticked by, her desperation only grew for a sign that he hadn't met the fate that'd been intended for her months before. The thick wool of his winter coat and the way he'd crumpled from the shot made it impossible to determine, even from minimal distance, where the bullet had struck him, and while her heart began to fill with fear in his stillness, her eyes began to fill with rage, eyes that now held fixed on the pistol aimed solely at her.
It wasn't anything like that day in the cemetery. She could see the danger clearly now. It stood just a few feet from her, with a face, with a voice, arrogant and without camouflage or mask. It was every bit as real as the anger churning inside of her. Exposed and without ready defense she should've felt terror, but instead it was hatred that roared up like a flame guzzling gasoline.
No, Kate didn't fear Sophia Turner in that moment, she hated her, and unclenching her jaw, she unleashed its voice, deep and hauntingly sincere.
"If he's…" The word lodged in her throat as sharp as glass. Too much. Unbearable. She swallowed it down, hard. "I swear to God the only way you'll be leaving this room is in a fucking bag."
"Aw, how touching," Sophia mocked. "What a brave little cop, talking all tough for her pathetic excuse for a man. Oh, I'm sorry, her pathetic excuse for a dead man. You should be thanking me for getting him off your back. Look at him, as useless now as he always was."
"Shut your mouth."
Sophia laughed a maniacal laugh. "And you're just as pathetic, right up to the end. He said you were different, but you're just like the rest of us: just another one of his flavors-of-the-week, a pretty little toy for him to play with for a while until the next one came along. He would've thrown you away, too. That you couldn't see it really makes me wonder why the NYPD kept you around. Doesn't speak highly to your investigative skills."
"Yeah, well, I'd rather be pathetic than a sellout and a traitor," Kate snarled, "and you don't know the first thing about what I am or what Castle is." She flashed her eyes Rick's way, but he still hadn't moved. "How could you know? We don't live in whatever world of BS you live in. Between your two faces and all your lies, there isn't room for anyone else."
A grin of hubris swallowed Sophia's face as she loaded up to fire her next verbal shot.
"I bet your mother would be so proud of you and that righteous badge you wear, Detective Beckett, carrying on her legacy of meaningless do-gooding. It's too bad it can't save you. I'm afraid the odds of your surviving two bullets are bleak. On the bright side, though, you'll be seeing Johanna again a lot sooner than you thought," she taunted moving in for the kill.
That was when Kate launched herself, surprising them both, quite frankly, and sending Sophia crashing to the floor, the weapon knocked from her hand.
The two tangled and rolled on the cold cement, battling for position, for the upper hand, fueled by desperation of opposing origins: love and hate, but it wasn't long before fatigue began to conquer the initial shared surge of adrenaline.
Sophia finally succeeded in wrestling Kate onto her back and pinned her at the chest with her knee. Kate struggled for breath beneath the weight pressing down on her, her legs flailing in resistance when a hand plunged and grabbed her at the throat.
"I won't be the one in the fucking bag." Sophia's grip tightened, and then suddenly, with a piercing crack that ricocheted off the walls and blasted Kate's eardrums, the agent's body collapsed on top of hers.
Kate tried to keep as still as she could, a feat given how her lungs begged for air with her chest bearing Sophia's load, and that she had no comprehension of what'd brought her adversary down only served to compound the chaos of it all.
"Beckett!" The unexpected cry was trailed by a groan and a curse. "Kate!" The voice got louder, closer, and in her recognition brought with it such overwhelming relief that tears swiftly blurred her eyes.
"Castle," Kate sputtered, "I can't-"
"I've got you. I've got you." On his knees, Rick leaned over her. "She's dead. I killed her," he informed in disbelief disguised as calm.
Unlike his, Sophia's wound was obvious. He could see his ex-lover's blood speckled across Kate's face and watched as a gush of it mingled with her loose hair that was fanned out around her head. Setting Sophia's gun aside, he kicked it away with his foot, and though his arm stung like a son of a bitch, he squeezed Kate's in defiance of the pain.
"I'm going to try to roll her. Hang in there with me, okay?"
A door at the back burst open then and slammed shut with a clang of metal. Agent Danberg sprinted across the room toward them, unknowingly coming upon a scene as shocking as it was ugly.
"What the hell? Is that Turner?"
"Help me. Help me move her," Rick barked at him in frustration, and together the men did, freeing Kate who looked as though she'd been to hell and back. "Are you okay? Are you hurt, Kate? Did she hurt you?"
Kate coughed, raised her eyes to Danberg. "The girl. You have to go. I'm behind you. Go!"
She tried to stand too quickly, her gloved hand sliding in the pool of Sophia's blood, and she stumbled. When Rick offered his hand in aid, she took it.
"Castle," she said in a way she never had before, but there wasn't time for all that came with it. "Can you…I'll send help. I'll send them."
"I'll be fine," he assured her as his arm throbbed with heat beneath his layers, and then he watched her disappear after Danberg to try to bring an end to the deadly game Sophia had set in motion.
Alone with the lifeless body of a woman he respected, trusted, and admired up until moments before, that he once thought-and had been manipulated to believe-he knew intimately, the sight of her made him sick. More than the grisliness of the wound he inflicted and its devastation on what was her profound physical beauty, it was the shock of her betrayal that had his stomach in knots, and what made it all the worse was that he couldn't bring himself to look away.
Had Kate been there she would've understood.
xxxx
"Pretty stupid, getting yourself shot up, bro. You had a four-year streak going." Javi held out his fist. Rick bumped it out of ceremony. "If you wanted to impress your girl you could've just dropped some dough on a fancy coat or something. You know how she digs her leather, and I'm pretty sure she prefers guys with a pulse."
Lucky for Rick, he'd somehow flinched in just the right way when Sophia had fired the gun because the bullet, while it still left behind a fine mess, only grazed his arm, and though ordinarily he would've been amused by a joke he himself might've told, it just wasn't in him to be that or otherwise. The only thing he could be was there, and that was because he had to be.
"Classified cracks aside, I'm glad you're still breathing, Castle." Javier Esposito wasn't much for mushy moments, but his friends were his family, and his sentiment from the heart. "I gotta say, Beckett had me kind of freaked before. I didn't know what the hell was going on."
Kate had managed to shoot off a cryptic text message but hadn't included any context: Castle. ASAP., it'd read. Javi hadn't imagined it would end up bringing him to the hospital; yet there they were, hidden behind one of the many curtains in the ER, Rick's upper arm freshly wrapped in a bandage, his usual spirit dulled to the gray hue of the walls.
"You don't have to stay, Esposito. I'm sure it'll only take another four hours for them to discharge me."
The quip proved Rick's light hadn't been extinguished by the enormity of the day's events, only made to flicker.
Javi gave him a look, hard but not cold. "You're my brother. You're here, I'm here. That's it. Now, you want a coffee? If we're going to be twiddling our thumbs like idiots waiting for this paperwork, I need to go do something. I hate these places."
He didn't, but more than he wanted anything Rick wanted to not have to talk or answer any questions for five minutes, so he agreed so Javi would go. The trouble was, as it turned out there wasn't any peace in being alone, either.