23. EPILOGUE: MORNINGS

She was back at the beautiful Lan'Tim, sitting under the corner of a pergola outside, facing the flower beds atop rolling hills that were cut by a cobbled path, weaving into the city around Arcacia's royal palace. Behind her was the dizzying height of the diorite and quartz kingdom. Patterned with stones, jewels, its towers traced by gold and copper. The elephants of bone block would be partially visible from this side. But Violet had already spent her allotted daily time marveling at the college's exterior. Now she was looking outwards toward the palace. It stood visible on the horizon, beyond the city walls which stretched like a band encircling the compact stone houses. The emperor's castle on this world had belonged to their last king and it had been somewhat remodelled, the pillars spiked high around an oval dome with Xaddon's royal flag above Arcacia's. Fresh air blew strands of Violet's hair and made the flowers sway. The scenery had changed a bit since she was a young girl, a student sitting here and fretting over exams, daydreaming about what her life would be like after graduation. She'd known back then that she wanted to work for the college and contribute to it, but she hadn't known what she was going to do.

Her recent journey - more like a pilgrimage - had a very transformational effect on her, and now she was at a precipice of decision-making over the next chapter of her life.

Barring thoughts on that, Violet found it comforting to revisit all the spots she'd frequented when young. It seemed to be grounding her, and that along with her other therapies was helping. She'd not made the time to do this when she was last here. It had been years since she'd just sat at places, truly revisited them and she was savouring it now. It was doing her good.

Professor Castellan had cleared hours of his schedule for her a few times. She guessed now was one of those times as she noticed a familiar old man approaching from the exit behind her. He was stooping from his own height, his grey hair poking out either side of his cap.

"Morning, Violet," he greeted.

"Good morning, Professor," she replied and he took a seat beside her.

He stared out at the view and they appreciated it together for several seconds, "So I did follow up with those questions you asked. It turns out Helghast," the derision in his voice was quite pronounced, "had indeed connected his portals via a network alongside a scrambling signal. Once anything interfered with any of his portals, the buffer switched off and all his data and coordinates were lost."

"So that if he escaped, he might be able to get back to those worlds again," Violet muttered.

"He won't be able to escape, Violet. I assure you of that," Castellan said quickly. "His powers have been fully sealed by a specialised ritual done by a team of mages. He'll stand trial and be locked in a high-security prison for the rest of his days. Everyone at his palace was taken into custody too. But I'm afraid all those in the worlds he was influencing… we cannot reach."

"I'm glad I went to those three. I gave the testificates on Felson, Beira and that last world a chance to rebel and get free. Maybe it worked and all the soldiers there evacuated through the supply portals. I hope…"

If only she could've done more to sort out the morass of what was left behind.

"It was remarkably brave of you to do that, also highly reckless."

Violet shrugged, "At the time I just… felt like I had to."

Castellan put a hand on her shoulder and let it rest there for a moment, "Well, at any rate, you came back to us and that's what matters. You should be very proud of yourself. You put a dangerous and terrible man behind bars. I know I'm very proud of you."

He beamed at her and Violet flickered, then like a mirror returned his glow.

Castellan's bushy grew brows arched in one of his characteristic over-displays of confusion or surprise, it reminded her of someone trying to make a baby laugh.

"So what's next for you then?" he teased.

"I've been back for a week. I still feel so confused over it all. I think it's going to take a while, I'm just going to have to take it slow until I feel on my feet again." It was the instructions from all her doctors, and she supposed she ought to comply.

"Knowing you, you'll be finding something to busy yourself with soon enough. Of course, take all the time you need."

Violet smiled and faced forward. He wrapped an arm around her supportively. Typically he kept up a no-contact policy with students, but to Violet he was the closest thing to - but no substitute for - a parent. And she thought he knew this. It was nice anyway and felt appropriate as they watched the dewey morning go by.

The morning of the next day, Violet awoke to a play of light twinkling across the walls and ceiling. The sun shone through the transparent curtains as they swayed, casting soft glowing bands across the room. Violet was lying in bed, in her bedroom. A place that was tidy but sparse, coloured in creams and browns. A single shelf held just a few books. Her desk was mostly bare, hosting a reading lamp and the enchanted necklace which was her only memento from Helghast. They'd let her keep it; cut edges of the dark red jewels were white where the light hit them. On the opposite wall a single band poster was beside her framed degrees, the more important one next to her high school diploma. Her old study belongings were in a tub under her bed. She didn't have much reason to be in this room even when she lived here. The library was grand-scale enough to provide many private areas. This was just where she slept. As Violet looked around, she supposed she must have believed in a practical minimalism.

Violet then started thinking of everything she'd been put through. It was meant to be a normal expatriation, like her other three, and it'd been anything but. Most physical injuries could be mended quickly, but the healing mages were still doing what they could about her psychological trauma. There was no quick-fix potion she could take for that.

CPTSD, or complex post-traumatic stress disorder was the word they used for continuously traumatising events occurring over a period of time. It was like a drone hovering overhead. Not caused by just the massacre of the villagers that she witnessed, and then her darkest night down in the pit, but every little thing that had re-traumatised her. Her inextricable issues with her mother that she thought she'd pushed down and paved over, had led to her endangering herself to save a young testificate boy, racing through monsters with - at the time - negligible fighting ability. Being dragged along the desert on aching feet over a series of days had been traumatising. So had being pulled out from the pit, interrogated and thrown back down a couple of times. She'd been threatened with weapons, spat at, forced to live with illagers and was actively trying not to lose her mind over the fact she might die. She learnt to fight and so got beaten many times. Then there was the trauma-bonding to Zann, and the more Violet thought about him, she could see he was just a savage leading savages. It'd been a spell of damage that made her see him in a different light. Violet had also been in battles, she'd killed a witch and a bunch of illagers, but she'd saved testificates too.

Or she'd tried to. She could only hope liberation had occurred on Helghast's worlds even if they'd become untraceable.

Anyway, Violet was fine with recalling these events now because they'd magically probed her head, the damaged areas of her brain were healing. They wouldn't be able to fix everything, but she did feel like herself again. The CPTSD hadn't removed her ability to feel fear, but it'd made her emotions warp and fracture. She hadn't been an especially emotional person beforehand. Still… at times the ability to not feel fear had really helped her in tense moments; there'd been no uncertainty slowing her movements when she took dangerous risks that paid off. Other times of course, she'd been stupidly reckless. Like facing Helghast at the end when he could've killed her, instead of just hiding away and letting the dragon riders deal with him.

Violet lifted her hand, she paid attention to the pool of lifeforce around her. She never stopped being aware of it to some degree. It was like a part of her she'd been born with but had mentally severed. Now it was back and she felt fuller for it. She let it travel to her hand and converted it properly, purple lightning zapped to life between her fingers and she turned her hand over, admiring.

There was a knock at the door. Violet lowered her hand.

The door opened and Selador Merridew peeked in.

Violet's mouth went dry. Her mother entered, wearing her luxurious slate-blue wizarding robes, with her full head of blonde hair. Her natural hair was the same colour as Violet's but she'd dyed it many times, either magically or the normal way. Always shades of blonde, though once a reddish strawberry-blonde.

"Hello, dear."

"Mum… what are you doing here?"

"I heard about that awful experience you had. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," Violet noticed her consternation give way to emotional lockdown: she became stilted and robotic. "Don't worry about me."

"Well…" Selador came toward the bed and sat down. Violet's knee-jerk reaction was to recoil like the covers were on fire. "I do worry about you. I know I haven't been a good mother. And I'm sorry about how that's affected you. I know I wasn't meant to be one, but I thought… maybe you'd change me when I had you." At this Violet said nothing, just staring with her mouth set. "But… I always wanted you to be happy. I hoped you would be."

Violet still said nothing.

Selador gave a sad smile and stood, moving toward the door. She looked back, "I'm very proud of you, Violet…"

She went to go.

"Wait." Violet said and she turned back. "Did you have something to do with how I ended up on Enim in the first place?"

Selador didn't hide her expression fast enough, "Of course not."

"Of course not. Because for you to know the coordinates of Helghast's world, you'd have to have been one of his clients. And he knew who you were."

"Violet…" she turned back to face her. "I don't know how to make you happy. But I do know all you wanted was to get out from under my shadow, make a name for yourself and pay back the college, right? And now you have. You brought to justice the most wanted criminal in the empire. Your tale is compelling and fantastic."

"I don't want any of this if it was all just orchestrated by you!" Violet yelled.

Selador gave a warning look and Violet made herself calm down.

"...I gave you what you wanted. And you're stronger now because of it. I couldn't help you in the normal ways a mother would, but you're better off now. You don't have to thank me-"

"Good. Because I won't."

Selador gave another sad smile, "Get well soon, sweetie."

She was almost out the door but Violet wasn't finished, "Wait, mother." Selador dragged her face back. Violet gave a hard stare, "If you were involved with Helghast before, that means all your dealings might not be on the up and up either."

"Do you think this college is any different?" Selador answered coolly. "Looking back at Lan'Tim's history, at all its betrayals and self-interest?"

"...I just mean to say: watch what you do. Or I'll come for you too."

An indecipherable emotion crossed her face for a second, "Thank you, for the warning, daughter." Just as coolly she swept from the room and the door closed with a soft click.

Violet's body relaxed entirely, weighed down like she was made of lead. Ever since she was a girl part of her wanted to believe her mother loved her in her own way. Secretly rigging things to send Violet to a desert world used by Helghast was a terrible amount of danger for any parent to put their child in. It was reckless, it was risky. And it had been another of her strokes of brilliance. It seemed just like her mother. And Violet was able to believe that despite the lack of concern for her own safety, Selador had wanted her to overcome the challenges, free the testificates whom she loved, and make a name for herself by stopping the most wanted criminal in the empire. Violet could donate a sizeable amount of the reward money to the college, paying off the tuition they hadn't asked for and then some. This had been Selador's way of helping her daughter.

It was, in a strange scattered sense, an act of love.

Still, Violet meant it when she said she'd want to be the one to expose her mother if Selador ever tried being what Helghast was.

Yet another morning, but this time she was indoors. It had now been six months since Violet had left for a desert in another world. She'd been worried that she wouldn't be the same person when she got back. She absolutely wasn't, but she was readjusting.

Violet walked the dim halls between the evenly spaced statues of mobs, cyan light shimmering down from the soul fire by the high ceiling. She could hear others this time: laughter echoing down as a young trio of friends gallivanted between classrooms. It was loud but not encompassing, so they were probably a few hallways away. With her crystal ball in her palm, she followed its directions to a room in a section she'd never bothered visiting before she got back. Now she went every day, but she still needed the hazy labyrinthine map on the glass surface to guide her.

Violet entered the training room and lamps activated from pressure plates under the floor. It was empty for the moment. She shrugged off her gown to reveal the tight workout clothes she had on underneath.

An hour later robotic dummies were swinging their arms and Violet parried with her blunt sword, sweating and enjoying the raw ache of her muscles.

Augustus entered the training room.

"Stop," Violet called and the machines slowed then jerked into stillness.

Her hair was tied back with loose strands parted either side of her face. She wiped away sweat, combing the loose hair behind her ears as she turned around. Augustus was dressed casually with his leather satchel over his shoulder. He'd not trimmed his curly black hair in a while and it was long enough for him to tie it back with a rubber band. He was big, her bear of a pseudo big brother.

"You are… getting quite good at that," Augustus stated. "If you get any better you might be able to beat me in a fight."

Violet nodded and didn't say that she was already quite sure she could beat him in a fight. She'd fought bigger opponents before and even if Augustus had size to him he wasn't all that active, as evidenced by the paunch he was getting since she'd seen him last. All she'd have to do was attack his balance. But saying all this would make him want to take her up on the challenge. Maybe soon they could get on the wrestling mats, but today was a sword practice day.

"Hey, what's up?" Violet walked to her towel and bottled water and he followed her.

"Just checking in, again."

"You know I'm fine."

"Still, I'm not the only one worried."

Violet scrubbed her face with the towel and then swigged water. She looked at Augustus and his lingering concern.

"I'm fine," she promised.

"Now you spend almost as much time training and practising magic as you do researching. I know what happened on your trip was terrible, but that was a freak accident. Why not leave the fighting to actual soldiers?" When Violet didn't have an answer right away he continued, "And what's with learning magic now, I thought you hated mages?"

"I don't hate mages," Violet carefully clarified. "I just don't trust them. I think most of them are suspicious, but that doesn't mean some of them aren't good people."

"But now you're learning magic?"

"No, just electromancy for the purposes of fighting. I don't think that makes me a mage."

She was also practising with her sensing power, improving her limits. It turned out Violet was something rare called a 'sensory mage'. They were about as common as telepaths, but while she couldn't communicate with thoughts she possessed the valuable skill of detecting people and magic from the 'lifeforce' energy in both that came from souls. But there was no need to tell Augustus that.

"I think it does make you a mage," he insisted.

Violet stepped up and squeezed both his arms, looking up at his uncertain expression. She knew that complicated emotions drew out a frustration in him, so for him to be confronting her about this meant he'd already been brooding on it for a while. "Augustus, staying agile and learning how to fight is just something that makes me feel good now. But I promise: I'm still me. And I'm happy. In a crazy way, everything that happened helped me to grow. I think it was what I wanted but didn't think to ask for."

"How can you say that?"

"Sometimes… life-altering things have that effect on you. Your eyes are opened, and you can break out of old mental prisons and see everything in a new light. I know that what I saw and went through was terrible, but that stuff happens out in rural worlds all the time. And I already knew that beforehand, it was just the first time I experienced it myself."

She was saying this to reassure Augustus, but while still clinging to him she realised just how true it was. The deaths of the testificates she'd befriended didn't bother her so much now. In the end, she'd only known them for a month and a half. Maybe she had caused their deaths, but maybe they would've been discovered later and pillaged anyway. Violet had defanged the interdimensional snake that was the infamous Helghast, so in a way she'd helped many more testificates than she might've hurt. It was thanks to her treatment too that the recurring inner agony that crippled her at times was gone. Violet also had a feeling that her introspection which she used to undo her mental blocks had helped with this. At Helghast's castle she'd needed to face things she'd long fought to ignore to become a more complete version of herself. Adding the ability to fight to her library of skills alleviated her sense of helplessness, and the shame that came with it, so she was never going to stop training.

"...What about your master paper?" Augustus finally asked as Violet let go. "You worked so hard for it, and you're only halfway through researching. You can't abandon it?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do about my master paper," Violet confessed. "But either way, I did pay back the school, and I helped a lot of testificates. So I feel good. I even got a written thank you letter from the emperor for helping them catch Helghast - that's pretty wild."

He attempted a smile and Violet kept smiling until Augustus's turned genuine.

"You promise you're alright?"

"For the hundredth time," she rolled her eyes but then met his gaze. "I promise I'm fine."

Augustus left her soon after that and she resumed her training. She didn't know what would be next for her. But she was going to face it as a better version of herself. Violet figured she'd know what she wanted when the time came.

。。。

【AN: Even though this is an epilogue I wanted it to be as long as the others. But no other scene is as important for closing up as Violet's interaction with those three characters. Anyway... that's it! I'm gonna go back and do edits because I wrote this so fast, but it's only gonna be tweaks for writing quality. Thanks to everyone who read it!

EDIT: Edits all done. You can rest knowing you read the final version.】