The Winds of Change
By
AZgirl66
Chapter 10- Confessions
A/N: Lovingmesomemk: Thanks so much for your reviews. I am thrilled that you love the story.
In the darkness of the early morning, Matt Dillon pitched hay in the business barn. He'd decided that he was going to have a talk with his children about his absence. He'd thought he would've been happily welcomed home, as he'd always been upon his return from trips. Yesterday afternoon had been a different story. Addie and Matthew had barely said a word to him and had mostly avoided him. Adam and Ezra hadn't necessarily avoided their father, but they'd never looked their idol in the eye and had barely uttered a word. Scarlett had been so confused when she'd been the only one to dash into her father's arms. Normally the little girl was part of a stampede of Dillons.
"Addie," Matt startled the girl as she sat talking with Doc at the kitchen table, "I need you to wake your brothers for me. You stay in their room with them. I'll be up in a minute for a family meeting."
"Yes'sir," his eldest child quickly responded, never looking at him, "I'll talk to you later, Grandpa."
Matt watched her walk away, padding across the wooden floor in her bare feet. He kicked himself that he'd done something to make his children disappointed in him. He was determined to earn their respect again.
Matt poured himself a piping hot cup of coffee, "Doc?" he held up the pot.
"Sure," Doc swiped his mustache, pushing his cup halfway across the table.
"Think they'll ever forgive me?" Matt asked as he poured his friend a fresh cup of the morning brew.
"Eventually," Doc answered, holding the warm cup between his palms as it rested upon the table, "You've got t' understand, Matt. While your children love you, they also have you up on a pedestal. You're the big, strong, former marshal of Dodge City-their hero. The man who makes everything right in their little world, not the person who turns it upside down. Kitty, on the other hand, is their mama. The woman who cares for them day in and day out. She is ever-present. They adore her, Son, and in their eyes, you abandoned her in her time of need."
"And they would be right," Matt blankly stared into his coffee cup.
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Four of the Dillon children anxiously waited for their father to join them in the boys' room. The siblings sat side-by-side on Matthew's bed, their backs pressed against the wall.
"Whadd'ya think Daddy's gonna tell us, Addie?" Adam nervously asked, pulling his knees up to his chest, covering them with his white nightshirt.
"I don't know," Addie quietly answered, patting his knee, "But don't be scared."
Matt cleared his throat while he stood in the door frame, his body nearly filling the whole thing. He inhaled and exhaled deeply; his thumbs hooked over his belt. He pursed his lips before entering the room. Why do I feel like I'm facing a firing squad?
The children watched him slowly enter the room. He stopped in front of the bed, running his fingers through his salt and pepper curls.
"Seems t' me we need to have a talk," he crossed his arms over his chest while he rocked back upon his heels.
"Daddy?" Ezra whispered, looking at Matt through his dark, downcast lashes.
"Yes, Son?" the big man softened his tone. This was the first time that any of the children assembled had referred to him as "Daddy" since his return to the Legacy D.
"Are you gonna move away?" Ezra finally looked up; fear was written all over his tiny face.
"Yeah. Are you gonna move away? Some fathers do," Matthew tucked his hands under his thighs.
Matt pulled the large, leather chair from the corner of the room and placed it in front of the bed. He sat in it, resting his elbows upon his knees as he leaned closer to his brood.
"No," Matt firmly stated, "I am absolutely, positively NOT moving away. I could never live away from any of you, or Scarlett, or Maggie-"
"Or Mama?" Adam interrupted, his little blue eyes full of hope.
"Or Mama," Matt grinned, reassuring his scared little boy, "Sometimes, parents argue. Your Mama and I don't argue a lot, but every now and then, we disagree about something important. And in the 'olden days', sometimes I would take my horse and go off to think things through. That's what I did the other day, only I made a mistake."
"I'll say," Addie mumbled, keeping her eyes on her folded hands resting in her lap. Her wild curls covered one of her big, blue eyes.
"Yup, a big one," their father voluntarily confessed, "I never should've left this ranch, at least not for two whole days and nights. I should have just gone on a long ride, and then come home to talk t' Mama. I have a lot of responsibilities here, and by just riding away, even t' have some 'quiet thought', as your mama would call it, I forced others t' handle my responsibilities," Matt stared at his children's serious expressions, sighing, "I guess what I'm tryin' to say is, I hope you kids can forgive me for failing you and your mother."
Ezra scooted to the edge of the bed until he was smack in front of his father. "I forgive you, Daddy. I'm glad yer not movin' away," he leaned in to plant a kiss on Matt's cheek.
"Thank you, Ezra. I promise I'll never let you down again," he pulled the boy into his chest, cradling the back of his head as he hugged him with all his might. Ezra then climbed onto his daddy's lap.
"Daddy," Adam sniffled, "S'all my fault Angela died!" the boy's floodgates opened. No matter what his mother had told him, he still felt responsible for the loss of their new baby.
"Adam, why would you think such a thing?" Matt reached out his hand to the six-year-old.
Adam grabbed his father's arm like a lifeline, stuttering, "'Cause I went lookin' fer you, and…and I got lost and…and Pepper got hurt, and then our…our baby died!" the boy wailed as he confessed his perceived sin.
"Oh, Son," he pulled the boy onto his vacant knee, "say we follow your train of thought. That would mean it's all my fault that Angela Faith came too soon. You took Pepper t' look for me. Don't you see? If it's anyone's fault, then it's mine. I'm responsible for your mother being upset, too," Matt's eyes begged Adam to forgive himself and place the blame where the big man felt it rightfully belonged. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the boy's tears away. He then held the cloth in front of the child's nose, urging him to blow.
Out of the corner of his eye, Matt spied Addie and Matthew exchanging a look. He kissed both younger boys on the tops of their heads, "Time for you two to head downstairs and get something t' eat. Grandpa should be down there. Now scoot!" he placed both boys on the floor.
"I love you, Daddy," Adam squeezed Matt around his neck before he and Ezra headed out of the room.
"So," Matt stood and walked to look out the window, "I haven't really heard from you two. Surely you have somethin' t' say," he slowly turned to face the remaining pair sitting on the bed, "C'mon, out with it."
Matthew bravely slid to the end of his bed and stood, clenching his fists at his sides, "I think you're right, Marshal. It's all yer fault. You yelled at Mama a lot and left her and then our baby died," the boy firmly chastised, looking his father straight in the eye, "And not only did our baby die, you left Mama all alone. No grown up t' hold her hand or nothin' while Grandpa helped her. I'll forgive ya someday, Sir, but not t'day," the marshal's namesake furrowed his brows and headed downstairs to join his brothers.
"Well, at least he got that off his chest," Matt shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way back over to the chair, "How 'bout you, Pumpkin? What would you like to say to me?"
"I feel somewhere in between Matthew and Ezra. Mama was so scared, Daddy," Addie tucked her legs underneath her body after she'd scooted toward the edge of the bed, "I had to help Grandpa a little bit, running to get things, so I could hear some of what she was saying."
"Oh, Adelaide...I didn't know," Matt's voice was soft and sullen. He opened his arms to his firstborn and she accepted the silent invitation to sit on his lap, "I'm so sorry that you had to witness Mama in pain. It should have been me helping your grandpa."
"Mama's so brave all the time," Addie rested her head on his chest, "but she was crying really hard. She said she didn't want to die, too, because she loves us and didn't want to leave us without a mama."
The former lawman couldn't hold back his own tears any longer. He wrapped his arms around his little girl, buried his face in her lilac-scented hair, and wept. Addie didn't know what to do, so she gently patted his forearm.
"I'm sorry, Addie," he sniffled once he found his voice again, "I don't know what came over me. I just feel so bad that I put you in that position," Matt wiped his eyes with a swipe of his shirt sleeve.
"I think you're just sad, too. And it's okay t' be sad, Daddy. Uncle Festus told us that it's okay to be sad and that sometimes, being sad teaches you how t' be happy on regular days," she rested her bent elbow upon her father's shoulder, the morning sun lighting up her hair as if she were an angel.
"Remind me t' thank your uncle, Honey. He's a wise man."
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Two weeks had passed since the loss of the baby, and for the most part, things were beginning to return to normal.
Kitty looked at her loved ones around the supper table, wondering when the boisterous banter would return to the evening meal. For now, in the relative silence, everyone was enjoying the chicken and dumplings that Elsa Ritter had brought over as a friendly gesture.
"So, bigs, how was school this week? Did you make up all your work?" Kitty asked as she sipped her milk, watching the children over the rim of her glass.
"It's good, Mama. I'se all caught up," Adam answered before shoveling a forkful of chicken into his mouth.
"It's fine," Matthew answered, not making eye contact with his mother.
"Matthew James Dillon," Kitty scolded, holding a spoonful of mashed carrot intended for Maggie in midair.
"What?!" both Matthew James Dillons responded, glancing at the annoyed woman.
The exasperated redhead rolled her eyes, "Matthew James Dillon, Junior."
Matt Senior seemed relieved he wasn't the one in the hot seat.
"Yes, Mama?" Matthew quietly asked, scraping his fork around the edge of his bowl.
"Tonight I'd like you and Addie to swap chores. You're gonna help me and Ezra with the dishes. Understand young man?" Kitty still hadn't fed Maggie her spoonful of carrots, so the seven-month-old began to fuss, her little hands reaching for the spoon.
"I'm sorry, Baby. Here ya go," Kitty finally gave the baby what she'd been wanting, "Festus, did you tell Morris and Buck that they are welcome t' rejoin us at the supper table?" she glanced at their loyal friend.
"Yes, Ma'am, I shore did. But I think theys gonna eat their meals sep'rate from us from now on," he grabbed another fluffy biscuit from the basket.
"Why is that? They know they're more than welcome, don't they?" Kitty inquired; her voice full of concern.
"Wael, yes'm, they do, but I think they've got used t' the quiet. It ain't nothin' personal, Miz Kitty. I think they see it as more proper, meybe."
"I done, Mama! Looky!" as Scarlett held up her empty plate, it appeared half her meal was on her face.
"Good girl, Honey. What do you say?" Kitty smiled brightly.
"Ex'coose, peas?" the redheaded moppet proudly asked.
"Yes, you may be excused," Kitty smiled at Matt. He grinned, his heart happy to see his wife truly smile again.
"Scarlett, pick up your plate and fork," Doc instructed, "We all take our own dishes t' the sink."
"'Cause it's not a rest'rant, right Grandpa?" Ezra asked, nodding his head.
"Exactly," Doc winked at the four-year-old as he escorted Scarlett to the sink.
"Addie, Adam, let's go, before it gets too cold. Get your coats," Matt carried his dishes to the sink before standing behind Kitty. He gently squeezed her shoulders and softly kissed her cheek. The big man seemed relieved that his wife had welcomed his loving gestures the past week, as opposed to her cooler demeanor the previous week.
She patted his hand before wiping Maggie's face. Things indeed were starting to get back to normal on the Legacy D.
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Kitty laid on her side in her big brass bed, comfortably snuggled under her blanket and winter quilt. Her hands were tucked under her pillow as she watched Matt stoke the dwindling fire. He tossed a couple more logs into the fireplace before disappearing into the water closet. She was in a quandary over what to do about Matthew's indifferent behavior toward his father. She'd tried to convince him to let go of his anger, but the nine-year-old just couldn't forgive the man he'd always idolized.
"Matty," Kitty began as she and two of her sons started the dishes, "you've got to stop giving your father the cold shoulder. I realize you think you're taking up for me, and for that I am flattered. But, Son, if you're not careful, this bitterness will just eat you up inside," she caressed the side of his face, "Besides, I want my old Matty back. I miss seeing your smile and hearing your sweet voice, my oldest prince."
Matthew continued drying the plates that his mother handed him, "Mama, I'm starting to feel better about the marshal, really I am."
"Matthew, that's what I'm talking about. You only call your father 'Sir' or 'Marshal'. Don't you think you're hurting Daddy's feelings?"
"Yeah, Matthew, Daddies have feelings," Ezra added while climbing a chair to put the clean plates away.
"I know that," Matthew whispered, drying a glass.
"Matthew, would you consider making up with Daddy, for me?" Kitty crooked her finger under her son's chin, lifting his face to look into her pleading eyes.
The boy chewed his bottom lip, "I'd do anything for you, Mama. Let me give it some quiet thought."
The deep voice of her husband pulled the frustrated mother from her musings.
"Kitty? Did ya hear me?" Matt asked as he towered over his wife, toweling off his hair.
"Oh, Matt, I'm sorry. I was lost in my own thoughts," Kitty sat up, propping her back against the brass headboard, "What did you say?"
Matt sat at the foot of the bed, pulling on his union suit, "I was just telling you that Angela's stone should come in soon. I'll start checking the freight office when I take the bigs t' school each day," he gently placed his hand upon her bent knee.
"Oh, okay," she said, studying her fingernails, "It's small, right? I just wanted a little one," she studied his face.
"Yes, Ma'am. I followed your directions to a 'T'."
The abrupt knock at the door made both parents jump.
"Come in," Matt stood, ready to throw on his clothes if needed.
Festus barely poked his head into the room, "I'se sorry t' bother ya, but I saw some lamp light comin' from the li'bary. I came in the house t' douse it and I heard cryin'. I just wanted ya t' know."
Before Festus was even gone, Kitty sprang out of bed, thrusting her arms into her blue and crème colored dressing gown.
"Thank you, Festus," Kitty patted her friend's shoulder as she passed him on her way down the stairs.
As she neared the library, the worried mother heard soft sobs while a tiny sliver of light escaped from beneath the door.
Upon entering the room, the scene before Kitty broke her heart. Addie was curled up onto one of the large leather chairs, her face buried into her hands, tears dotting her light-pink flannel nightgown.
Kitty slowly approached her little girl, not wanting to startle her. She spoke quietly, kneeling next to the chair, "Addie, Sweetie."
Matt peeked into the room and decided to head back upstairs. This seemed to be a situation that needed a mother's touch. He knew Kitty would call for him if she needed backup.
Addie's head jerked up, her surprise evident, "Ma…ma…" the girl's body shook as she desperately tried to cease her sobbing, "did…did I…wake…y…you?" she hiccupped.
"No, Baby," Kitty cradled her child's swollen, red face between the palms of her hands, "you didn't wake me. Tell me what's wrong."
"I feel awful! Just awful!" the child wiped her face with the sleeve of her nightgown, "Is it possible to...to wish someone away?" she desperately searched her mother's eyes.
"Wish someone away?" Kitty's brows furrowed as she pulled a chair closer to Addie, "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"I realized something over the last week or so. I just couldn't admit it to myself," Addie sniffled, toying with a loose string on the lacey cuff of her nightgown.
"Go ahead," Kitty steeled herself for what may be coming, briefly closing her eyes and gently patting her daughter's back.
"Promise you won't think I'm a horrible person?" Addie whispered, scared to reveal her innermost thoughts to her already grief-stricken mother.
"Of course, I won't. Would it be easier if you sat on my lap and told me?"
"No. I'll sit here," the girl rubbed her tired eyes with her fisted hands.
"Whenever you're ready," Kitty spoke softly, crossing one leg over the other.
Addie took a deep breath, not able to look at her mother.
"When you told me about having another baby, I pretended t' be happy. But then I went into the other room, which is now my new room, and just cried into my pillow. I called Angela a 'stupid baby' and I was terrible jealous that she'd take up more of your time, like Maggie, and then…" Addie's mouth was as dry as the desert. She couldn't continue.
"And then?" Kitty urged, softly stroking Addie's long curls.
"And then I wished that you weren't pregnant."
The only sound in the room was the ticking of the large clock on one of the shelves. Addie glanced over her shoulder at her mother, her heart aching at the sight. Kitty's silent tears streaked down her cheeks.
"Mama?" the girl reached out her hand, hoping her mother would hold it.
Kitty clasped Addie's hand within hers, but she didn't meet her gaze.
"It's okay, Adelaide. Your thoughts were honest. But no, you didn't wish your sister away. And I'll tell you that when I first found out about her, I wasn't happy, either. I thought I was too old to have another child and that our family was already plenty big," Kitty looked up as Addie appeared at her side, now hoping to claim her spot upon her mother's lap.
"Will I hurt you if I sit on your lap? I know I'm really too big, and your belly might still hurt."
Kitty immediately held out her arms to accept her daughter onto her lap. She tenderly pulled Addie's head to rest upon her shoulder. They sat in silence for a moment, each lost in her own thoughts.
"Do you think Angela is lonely, or sad?" Addie quietly asked, her hand resting over her mother's heart.
"No, I don't," Kitty's soft voice reverberated through her chest, "I'm sure my mother and Daddy's parents are taking care of her." And her siblings. Kitty kept that part of her thought to herself.
"Please tell me she knows I loved her, that she knows I would've been a good big sister," Addie's voice shook.
"Oh, Baby," Kitty shifted so she could look into Addie's deep, teary, baby blues, "of course she knows you loved her. She knows we all loved her."
TBC