Genres/Rating: Family, Romance, Grief, Angst, Future. (M)
Characters: Raine, Dimitri, Jeralt, Roslyn.
Summary: There was so much he had never told her, despite how long of a time he had been given to do so. It had been fear that had held him back, in the end, he had mused... but that time was now over. How could he look her in the eye, now navy and with the weight of the world in them now that she was human again, and not confess that he had been hers since the first moment he had seen her? He had made the mistake before, of turning her aside, but he would not do it again. Her hand would remain clasped in his, for as long as she would have him, and never again would he let it go. No matter where the future would take them... It would have to take them together, or not at all.
Red Wolf Moon
Garreg Mach (Cemetery)
Twilight
For a brief moment as Raine finished explaining the tale she had heard from her brother, there was complete silence from Dimitri as he struggled to take it all in. She lay curled up against his side in her bed, with her father's diary in her lap, shivering with barely suppressed mirth, and her expectant gaze as he tried, and failed, to figure out how to properly respond to her was only making things more difficult. Her navy eyes were twinkling, her smile was broad despite the faint splash of a bruise that still had yet to heal on her right cheek, and he cursed himself for wanting to brush his lips along it rather than try to find words to express his utter confusion at what she had just told him.
It sounded... ridiculous, plainly, and he knew it had to show on his face as her smile turned catlike at the edges as she watched him raising a hand to his forehead as the struggle continued. That almost broke him, and his chest shivered as a small chuckle escaped him despite his best efforts. She was clearly enjoying this, and that sort of attitude was admittedly quite infectious regardless of her tale, and the truth of it. She giggled again, soft but clear as a bell, and he wanted to curse her as he pinched his brows and forced in a long inhale. He tried to keep his voice as steady as possible so not to fall prey to her very obvious trap, but even he couldn't quite stop himself from halting for the odd breath and urge to join her as he repeated her words, "Wait, just a moment, wait... She... She actually said the exact words of, "the stench of the floor of a tavern" to Captain Jeralt... as her very first impression of him?"
Delighted peals of laughter followed as Raine succeeded in getting her mother's words out the man she was currently snuggling against, and he could tell that she was quite pleased with herself to boot as her feet curled with her every shoulder-shaking giggles. She cradled her father's journal all the more closely to her chest, hugging it as a small child would a comforting toy, but the glitter of mirth in her eye was entirely that of a wicked and wordly woman. She nudged him playfully, lips pulled back in that catlike smirk that made him ache with the urge to kiss her blind as she confirmed gleefully, "It was...! I can't believe it either. I mean, I wouldn't doubt my brother for a moment, but... To think, this is the moment my father said he both first met and fell in love with her, and her first words were to condemn him for smelling like the floor of a tavern? It's so ridiculous that all I can do is laugh!"
Dimitri almost hated the fact that he had to agree, but as he watched Raine laughing at the story her brother had told her, he had to admit perhaps it wasn't that nonsensical. After all, Captain Jeralt's reputation did precede him, and it wasn't exactly a secret that his running tab had been a long and varied one during his just as long and varied career had been. He had been a mercenary before his stint as a Knight-Captain, and as both of his children had acknowledged before for him, his title had never been enough to dissuade him from changing his habits, for ill or naught.
It only made more sense, then, if he had decided to celebrate a victory before returning to the monastery to report of the good tidings, that his appearance would be far out of line with his title. If the Archbishop had indeed chosen that moment to introduce her captain to the young woman who had been her attendant that day... It was not at all a shock that she would have dismissed him flatly for a man unworthy of such a lofty position or duties. No soldier, or mercenary, ever looked at their best on the return journey home from a mission, and one that had paused to soak their victory in ale had to seem even less so. Dimitri allowed his lips to curl despite his better judgement, and he shook his head a little as he mused to the still softly laughing woman beside him, "It pains me to say so, but if your brother's story is true, which he said it is as a direct recounting from the captain's own mouth... I don't think that her immediate judgement was entirely wrong of him in her eyes, now was it?"
"Warin said he could only get the story out of him just once, and he never did write it down in his own hand, either... I think it had to be embarrassing for him, especially if that moment was what made him fall for her." Raine agreed with another last laugh, but her smile was tender now as she moved delicately to lean herself more intimately against Dimitri's side. He moved his arm at once for her, pulling her easily to him and cradling her with a strong, comforting grip, and she took full advantage of her new position to nuzzle her cheek to his shoulder. She could feel his smile pressing against the top of her hair, proof that despite his initial shock that he was happy to be sharing this revelation with her, and it only made it all the easier to continue, "But, to be honest... I think, despite the fact that it clearly was a humiliating moment for him... I like the story, and I want to believe it to be true."
Dimitri lifted his head a little at the soft change in her tone, and he looked down at her thoughtfully as he caught that wandering cloud fall over her navy eyes. She was looking out her window, allowing memory and instinct to take her line of sight far beyond what was there and to the single gravestone that bore the names of her parents. He was used to that look, used to the mournful longing, but this time there was a sort of painful tenderness that coloured both her eyes and her voice as she spoke. He could very well guess why that was, but he chose not to chase it. It was not right of him to do, and so instead he merely squeezed her waist a little as he returned conversationally, "Is that so?"
"Warin said that he inherited his stubbornness from her, not from Father. While she was a kind and sweet woman... She also had a spirit of steel. After everything I've learned... I truly can believe that she would look at the captain of the guard in the eye and pronounce him unworthy without flinching if she was asked to give her opinion on him." Raine explained her thoughts without looking up at him, but her body spoke far more than a glimpse of her eyes ever could. She curled her legs, pulling her knees up and to her chest as she sat herself up straighter. Her gaze remained distant, looking not only for something beyond sight but beyond time, and she continued as a bittersweet sort of pleasure softened her features, "And, while I know that it's likely not the best look for her... I believe it, because it makes me smile. It... makes me think that maybe, even if only a little, that we were truly alike. I was always told we looked like mirror images of one another, but this... This makes me feel like maybe I truly was her daughter."
There was silence for a moment, and Dimitri heard Raine let out a long breath as if the words she had just spoken had been bearing much more of a weight on her than she had wanted to admit. Still, she wouldn't look at him, but again her body was easy for him to read now. Her arms tightened, squeezing in a show of self-reassurance even as she tucked her chin down onto her knees so she could avoid the urge to steal a glance at him. She seemed remarkably childlike, small and fragile, and Dimitri couldn't resist the urge he felt to reach to settle his hand on her shoulder as she murmured, mostly to her clothing than to him, "Do you think that's selfish of me?"
It was an innocent question, yet it felt so heavy with her guilt, and Dimitri wished that he could wrap her into his arms and hold her tightly until every last semblance of that pain was wiped away from her. Yet, he did not have that power, and no matter how he wished, there was nothing he could do but allow for time, and his own perspective, to lessen her burdens and help her stand when she began to waver. It didn't help that he understood, understood far too well just what it was that she felt, and his answer came easy as he returned to her gently, "No... No, I don't believe so. You've spent most of your life never knowing her... and the smallest bits you could glean of her were written from your father's hand. He loved her, and that does create bias. Hearing the story from your brother has given you a new perspective... A new piece of her that you never knew before. I don't find it selfish at all to wish to be like the woman who gave birth to you."
"I suppose if you look at it like that, maybe it isn't so much selfish, then... Though, Warin seemed like he was confused by how happy I was about it. I guess it didn't really cross his mind that I would crave for it so much...? I can't blame him, though. I didn't realize it either, for so, so long..." Raine agreed with a small, begrudging smile as she tilted her head to nuzzle her cheek against the strong hand that was clasping so tightly, so comfortingly, on her shoulder. She was grateful for his strength, for his willingness to listen to even this inane blather and take it to heart. Yet, she did also understand, as she finally raised her chin to sneak a glimpse at his face, that asking such a question of him had to be one of the more ridiculous things she had ever done.
It wasn't as if he didn't understand, after all. How long had he been chasing the back of his father in trying to understand what it meant to be a "king"? He had taken his stepmother's mannerisms into his own, and his frantic dive into the war had been for vengeance for the loss he felt... but there had never been denying that it was love that burned more deep in him than hatred. Grief was too strong an emotion, strangling and heavy like iron chains, but if anyone was to know that as well as she did, it was him, and she loved him dearly for it even if it had caused them both to suffer for so long.
Still, Raine didn't want to turn her thoughts too heavily onto him, especially when she could feel how heavy his concern was for her despite his gentle hands and words. He wanted her to speak, wanted to hear every little thing she had been holding close to the chest, and she couldn't in good faith deprive him of it. She forced her stiff limbs to loosen, to relax despite all wishes she had to curl tighter until she simply vanished into herself. Her chest ached, pulsing with that new, but quickly growing familiar pain of longing and guilt, and she raised a hand to press her fingertips to the cool skin of her chest to feel its soft but undeniable beat inside of her. "I didn't know how to tell him... That having his journal was never really about my connection to her. It was about Father... And it wasn't until I knew what she had done, what she was willing to sacrifice for me, that I needed to know more... I had always been so afraid to speak of her, to both her and to Father. It felt like it was forbidden."
Dimitri frowned, disliking the way her tone turned and the way she seemed to be carefully picking her words despite the fact that it was only the two of them in her room. He wished he could understand, but in all truth he could not on this matter. Warin had drawn a firm, impassible line in the sand when he had arrived that any whisper of his mother would result in the drawing of blood, but Dimitri had assumed that rule had only existed for strangers. To think that even in exile, that he would refuse to allow anyone to say her name aloud in his presence did not make sense to him, especially when he knew for a fact that Warin could no more hurt his sister than his father. "Forbidden...? I know that Warin was well known for throwing the gauntlet should anyone ever mention her, even if in passing, but the captain... He never spoke of her to you at all, even in your youth?"
"Not really. It hurt him too much... and even as... warped as I was when I was a child, I knew that. And I didn't want to hurt him, even if I did want to know what it was that was being kept a secret from me." Raine again answered him slowly, shaking her head a little as a frown furrowed her brow and made her lips purse tightly. It had become difficult for her lately to recall her childhood with as much clarity as she had before, but she had begun to understand that her new heart had coloured her memories in too many new shades of emotion for her to truly understand what had been her history now as she had before. No longer was she locking off parts of her mind in order to preserve her sanity, but the ability to feel and feel in full had done a heavy blow to her understanding of herself, both as she was now, and who she had once been.
It made her smile bitter, and her hand pressed more flatly against her chest with a mixture of sadness and anger. How much she had missed out on, how much she had misunderstood and rationalized away, but she truly had not known any better then. It brought back that small, evil whisper that asked if it had been worth giving away all of the power Sothis had bestowed on her. More than ever, even though it had never been an option then, she wanted to turn the hands back... Back, farther and farther before she had ever even known her name, so she could at least catch a look, even if just the barest glimpse, of the woman who had carried her, and died for her. But that chance, if it had ever been hers, was long gone. Sothis' powers had always had their limits, and she doubted that she could have gone back as far as she had wished. She didn't want to imagine the implications of what such a vast change in the stream of time that could make, but it didn't make her wish any less.
Raine let out another breath she hadn't really been aware she had been holding as she felt Dimitri's hand once more squeezing down on her shoulder in gentle comfort. It was silent permission to continue, permission she did not truthfully need, but she was grateful for it all the same as she heard herself stumbling over her words more than she felt herself speaking them, "I... I rationalized so much away with the thought that I didn't have to know anything, because my brother and father loved me and were keeping me close, and that was enough. I was allowed to stay, was trained to fight, and earned my place amongst his men... I never wanted anything but that before. If I could make him proud enough to be a mercenary he could trust, then I was a good daughter... I was doing what I had to do. I don't honestly think that before Remire that I... thought much about myself at all, really... and once those questions had answers... Once I wanted the answers... Well, it was too late."
Dimitri moved abruptly, startling Raine from her thoughts as he turned about so that she would have no choice but to look at him head-on. His good eye was sharp and clear, but there was a coldness to it that she had not expected to see as he reached for her chin and angled her face to his so he could get a better look at her. Despite that coldness his touch remained as gentle as ever, and he seemed to sigh with disappointment as his fingers moved to stroke her still bruised cheek with all the kindness his callused hand could muster, "I think that Warin would argue with you strongly on that if he could hear you now. You may have been different, but to call yourself warped is being far too harsh on yourself. Your family would never consider that word to describe you. And you contradict yourself, regardless."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
That wide-eyed look, the immediate and confused response almost completely melted the quiet burst of anger that had led to his rebuking, and he wished she would think, if only a little, of what she had done and who she now was. That, however, he knew was asking just a little too much still. She was stumbling, an infant in a new and too-bright world, but she was no longer stumbling alone. He could catch her, take her hand and lead her, and he did not hesitate to do so now as he explained quietly, firmly, "You have never been as unaware of yourself as you think you have been. You strove for a goal. You wanted your father's acknowledgement. You said so yourself, that earning a place at his side made you a "good daughter". You wanted to be his pride, even though you already always had been. As a child, you didn't have the words necessary to understand what it was that you wanted, or even why, but it doesn't change the fact that you still wished for something solely for yourself. It may have benefited your father and his troop, and it may have kept him and your brother safe, but it was a want that you carried for your own sake first and foremost. To prove yourself to those you cared for. It took you more time than usual to discover the words to put to your feelings, but your feelings were always there. Don't doubt that about yourself. Especially now."
Raine couldn't reply for a moment, stunned silent by the quiet ferocity of both his words and his gaze even as they began to work through the shock to tunnel deep inside of her. She turned her face a little, nuzzling against the callused palm that was cradling her cheek before she allowed her right hand to lift and hold onto his wrist to ensure he didn't move away. She closed her eyes as she inhaled his scent, letting both his warmth and strength seep through her skin to remind her that regardless of how lost she felt, whether it be in her own head, or the world before her... He would never stop being there to act as her anchor. A soft, relieved laugh built in her throat, and she pushed just a little more firmly into his hold as she murmured into those callused fingers that cradled her so lovingly, "Heh... You would say that, wouldn't you...? Thank you. That... helps. It's still so hard, knowing my past and how I came to be here, but... I needed to know. And I do want to know more, even if it's likely that I'll never learn much else. But every little detail... Every small story... It makes that hole in my heart just a little more full. She was my mother... and I am her daughter. I just wish I could have let her known... how much her sacrifice meant to her family. Meant to me."
"I imagine that you don't need me to tell you how she's grown... I know you have been watching." Dimitri was quiet, solemn as he knelt at the grave that bore the names of Warin and Raine's parents, and he felt an odd heaviness in his chest as he hoped that of all the good they had seen was so much more so that the bad had been easier to bear now that it was over. He couldn't imagine, the horrors of a parent as they watched the way that fate so cruelly played with the lives of their children, and instinctively his teeth grit down even as he continued, "There was so much to overcome... So much to take up, and then to cast away... I can honestly say that I don't know how she managed... All I do know is that it almost tore her wholly apart. Yet, still she stands... Proud, and whole... and hoping that she has not disappointed you. Would you laugh overmuch, at such a thought...? That after all she has done... She thinks she may not have earned your approval, in the end?"
It was a question that he already knew the answer to. He had known it that day, after the recreation of the Battle of the Eagle and the Lion, when he had seen the captain smile broadly at the sight of his daughter holding up her blade for her rallying students. In that moment, he had become nothing but a father watching proudly over his daughter, admiring how far she had come, and wondering just how far she would still go. She had likely gone farther than he could have ever imagined, she certainly had outstripped even his own wildest fantasies, but... Dimitri was sure the captain wouldn't have cared for the titles she had earned, or the victories she had won that would one day find themselves etched into the annals of a new history.
No, Jeralt's desires for his children had always been painfully simple. Even to a man without a father, even to a man trying so desperately to detach... Dimitri had known this about the captain. His wish was happiness for his children, no matter the form it took, and he had likely spent all of the days he had worshipping the Goddess praying for it. Perhaps they had done so together, father and mother, but he did not know enough of the Lady Eisner to say so, and he would never dare to guess.
Yet, as he imagined her, mirroring her daughter in both looks and spirit, clasping the arm of her husband and watching him with those same navy eyes... Dimitri found his head bowing lower. He didn't wish to see what his imagination would conjure, what expression it would instinctively put on her face, and he chastised himself for his fear even as he bowed to it. It... was still too much, in the end. He still could feel the tremors, the cold sweats, and the aching in his temples... and he was slowly, quietly, coming to terms with the fact that they would never actually leave him. It was a just punishment, alongside all of the others that came with the order to live, but that was an easy thing to accept, in a strange way he still could not help but chuckle at in his worst moments.
"I do not deserve her... and yet, I cannot release her of my own will. I'd beg your forgiveness for such selfishness. All I have ever been taught of decorum has told me ceaselessly that it was to you that I had to come, before I could even imagine asking for her to be mine... So much done out of order. Only that can I apologize for." Dimitri's smile was wry as he confessed his selfishness and clung to it all the same with a raging sort of audacity. It was only the circumstances he regretted at the end of the day, not the ending hand he had been dealt, but that had been all out of his control. Had he the power to change things, had he wielded her gifts... A low, weary chuckle escaped him, and again he admitted to the silence of the judging headstone before him, "No... Had things been so different... So much would have changed that I doubt she would have even known me. Though this path has been bloody... Has been so dark and full of death... I would walk it again, if I knew that at the end, she would be there to greet me."
"The things I can promise her... They feel so little. I can imagine that you may find that strange... but, truly, I hope that... you may also understand what I fear." Dimitri let out a breath, and his good eye flickered, finding the captain's name and studying it with a wishful sort of pain. A man who made his life on the road, chasing coin and blood all for the sakes of the little ones he had smuggled away from the wrath of the Church of Seiros... Perhaps, to him, what he had to offer would seem more important in his eyes, but Dimitri didn't know. And frankly, he doubted it would change his own feelings on the matter, anyway. He could not help it. Raised as he was, even knowing full well of his privilege... He laughed, but the sound was without humour. "Riches, power, safety in the lap of nobility... What use does she have for such trite things? What care would she have for them? I may soon to be king, but what I offer may as well be naught but that of a pauper... No. Worse. Even the poorest peasant can offer her a pure heart... and I discarded mine long before we even met. And still she chooses me."
"Do you believe love to be enough, Captain Jeralt...? Lady Roslyn? She seems to believe so... and I wish, so sorely, to take her at her word. I have chosen to live out my life as act of repentance for my sins, and I shall devote myself to ruling wisely and fairly... and that seems to be all she wishes from me. A path to walk, and a heart for her to have, and she will be happy." The words tasted like iron on his tongue, and he closed his eyes as the headstone began to blur painfully before him. The bile rising in his throat was both expected and almost welcomed, and again he could only wonder fruitlessly at what lay ahead. So much he did not deserve, so much he wished he could give, and still he felt himself fumbling and clawing at the air in a vain effort to try something, anything, if only because doing nothing could not be stood for. He shook his head slowly, bowing it still further as his voice turned hoarse and showed his wariness, "I'd cast down the moon for her if she asked it of me, and I would have more luck putting myself to the task than delivering anything else I can imagine. I am a fool, but still she chooses me... and I cannot part from her, even knowing she deserves so much better."
A silent hand slid into his pocket, and Dimitri allowed himself to pull free the ring he had been carrying around for what felt like countless moons. He cradled it in silence for a long moment, almost presenting it to the headstone and the ghosts that stood in silence behind it, and he felt a rueful, painful smile tug at the corners of his mouth. Such a fool he felt and looked, and yet he could not stop himself as he whispered the words with his one good eye affixed to that frail, simple band that had scared him witless when he had been just a boy, "For as long as she will have me, I will stay by her side. And for as long as I breathe, I shall love her. If harm is to ever befall her, I will exact a thousand fold the pain on the fool responsible... I can promise you these things, without reserve or hesitation... and I will pray, pray beyond hope, that you find it to be enough. I know I cannot ask you to favour me. I will not ask for such a thing... but I will ask that as the future comes to pass, that you continue to watch over her as you have. The love she feels for you is bottomless... It has driven her onwards, and it carries her forward now. If I could ever beg you for a boon... It is to never let that drive fade from her. Continue, please... Even if I am to leave her side before we wish... Give her the reason she seeks to live on, if I cannot be there to remind her."
There came no answer, as he had expected, but when he finally dared to raise his head... He was surprised to find that the spectres he had been seeing had disappeared. The captain and his wife had left him, kneeling and alone in the graveyard, and Dimitri was unsure whether or not that relieved him or made him worry. His fingers curled protectively about his gift, steeling his nerves against his deepening anxiety, and he forced out a breath that he felt he may have been holding for longer than he could count. He would see them again, he was sure of that, but for the moment perhaps they were showing their mercy... and he bowed his head again as he muttered a clumsy end to the prayer he had begun without thought or propriety.
Dimitri was not sure how long he stayed there, eye closed and head bowed, but something would not allow him to stand even though his business seemed finished. Those ghostly hands that had led him there now held at his ankles, tight and inescapable, and he gave way to them without a fight. Something still felt undone, though he could not yet even begin to guess what that thing was, and he clasped his hand over his heart as he willed his emotions to make it through that veil, through the tattered remnants of what he knew to be the truth, and to the Goddess he had never known, but had once made herself at home in the body of the woman he loved more than he could put into words. If she could hear him now, if they all could hear him... He could only pray that they understood, and that they would give him this one solitary thing that he did not deserve to even ask for.
"Dimitri?"
Her voice broke through any and all shackles that had been holding him in place, and Dimitri almost smiled with rueful humour as he understood why he had not been permitted to move. They had wanted her to see him praying, had wanted to expose him to her fully, and he felt only a small pulse of shame that he had been caught. He had hoped, in the future, he could pretend that his first visit would be with her, but his selfishness had been repaid coldly. It was only fair, and he raised his head, turning for the stairway to watch as Raine slowly made her way down. She carried herself carefully, proving that some of her worse wounds from the previous battles had not wholly healed yet, but her eyes were for him and him alone all the same. There was some surprise in her eyes, along with concern and that gentle tenderness he loved so dearly, but he saw nothing else as he slowly pushed himself up to his feet to meet her as she came level with him.
"So, you were here... Strangely, I'm not surprised." Raine spoke slowly as she came to him when she realized he was rather reluctant to move from the headstone he had been found before, and she allowed her gaze to move about him to read the names that had been hammering themselves deep into her chest with her ever-present heartbeat. It still was so loud in her head, so fast inside of her chest, but she carried the weight and the pain in a bittersweet silence. She could not stare overlong at the object that marked the spot where her parents had been buried, it still felt too fresh regardless of how time had marched on without her, and she turned her head in his direction as she continued, "I was wondering where you had gone off to, but when Dedue said you had been by the greenhouse..."
"My apologies for not informing you beforehand..." Dimitri was sincere as he reached for her hand, and he was glad as Raine allowed him to gently grasp with a small, understanding smile. Her fingers interlaced with his almost at once, clasping and offering both comfort and love, and he felt that iron vice around his chest lessen if only a little at her immediate acceptance. He had seen the pain flicker across her face at her momentary glance, and the look had shot him full of guilt even though he was well aware of why she had not yet come here herself, even after so much time. He explained weakly, looking over his shoulder to the simply-carved headstone before back to her faintly smiling face, "I... wished to be here, just once, before leaving. There was... much I felt I had to say."
"I understand. Everyone is welcome to come and go freely from here, and I'm not about to tell you it was wrong to visit them." Raine dismissed the apology with a small shake of her head, though her smile gentled as she felt Dimitri's fingers squeeze her own in silent question. He understood, of course, that she had not allowed her feet to touch this soil for quite some time... The first, and last time she had stood before that headstone was after the small, quiet funeral that had been held for her father, and after that she had all but shoved the entire area from her mind. She had scarcely had had time to mourn before the world, her world, had been so cruelly tipped on its head, and everything, including her mourning, had been pushed aside in favour of meeting the new challenges head-on. "Was it all you needed...?"
"I believe so... There was much to say... Much to think about... I apologize for how long it kept me from you." Dimitri glanced skyward, noticing that the sun had begun its rapid descent far sooner than he had thought it would ever since he had arrived. The night had come on quickly, leaving only scarce traces of oranges and reds in the far clouds, and soon the temperature would plunge and leave them both cold and wishing for a warm drink, and a warmer bed. Though, he mused idly, that the trip north in several days would only come to teach them the true cruelty of cold, but he said nothing of that as he ran his thumb carefully over her knuckles and continued, "Were you searching long?"
"Not more than an hour or two. I know who to speak to if I can't find you on my own." Raine answered with a comforting smile, and she was glad to see some of the tension slide away from the broad shoulders of the man she stood beside. His expression was an odd mixture of serious and wanting, childlike in his desire to hold her, and yet somehow distant as if his mind was not wholly there with her. She remembered that face, as he had worn it several times during their short stay in Fhirdiad, and she did not begrudge him of it as she returned the squeeze of his hand and asked him gently, "Shall we...? Or is there more you'd like to do while you're here? If I interrupted you, you can finish up without me. I'll wait for you in my quarters."
"No, I've... mostly finished. But..." Dimitri felt a pang in his chest at her clear desire to leave this place and find more comforting shelter, but those hands had returned and now were holding onto him like manacles about his feet. He was rooted to the spot, forbidden to move, and he realized with a painful sort of understanding that they wished for him to show his mettle, rather than simply speak his wishes to silent stone. Yet, he could not say that to her, but instead he squeezed her hand again, and began clumsily if fervently, "I... There's something that... I need to tell you. Something that I've hidden from you, for far too long. I know this place may not be ideal, but... I'm afraid I must say it now, while I still have the courage to do so. If you let me escape, I might bury it all over again... and you deserve better than that from me."
"Dimitri..." Raine let out a long, quiet breath as she felt the urgency in his posture, in the way he clung to her hand, and she reached with her free one to rest her palm against his already-cooling cheek. He leaned into her touch almost immediately, turning his face to nuzzle her palm, and she had to resist the urge to sigh again for him at his clear show of discomfort and need for her. Whatever was bothering him seemed to run deeper than he had been willing to let her see, and though it pricked at her with worry... She didn't want to see him looking so out of sorts, especially over her. Her fingers brushed gently, stroking the edges of his eyepatch in a comforting touch before she began gently, without judgement or disappointment, "If it's something that's troubling you, you can tell me at your own pace. I'm not going to demand anything of you if you're not ready for it. You don't need to push yourself."
"I'm afraid that this is one time I must, my beloved." Dimitri shook his head slowly, and he reached to clasp her wrist, holding her hand to his face before his lips pressed a gentle kiss to the heel of her palm. She watched him with a frown furrowing into her brow, darkening her natural navy eyes even further, but she said nothing in argument as if she understood that there was no point in it. He kissed her hand again, grateful even though he knew he was worsening her discomfort by the moment, and he stepped a little closer to offer himself to her as both a shield against what stood behind him, and a pillar to lean on if she found the need for it. He would not delay, and he forced the words out through a tight throat as she met his stare and held it for him, "Can I ask you... what it is you remember that happened to you, shortly after your return in the Sealed Forest? Do you remember how you came to return to the monastery?"
"No, I'm afraid that I don't remember at all." Raine hated to admit the truth, but she was both glad and a little confused to see the way his expression flashed with both relief and pain at her honesty. The first thing she remembered after her return to consciousness was the squabbling outside of her room, with her brother holding off a much too eager Rhea, and though she had been told later of how she had come to be there... Almost everything else of that day after the battle had become much of a blur to her. "I remember the relief of it being over... Of speaking to you, but I couldn't tell you about what... and then I was waking up in bed a few hours later. Warin told me that you had carried me back to the monastery...?"
"I did... I felt that... I had to, after all that had taken place that moon. I needed... to show my penance... and I needed to confirm to myself that you were still alive, even though I had already done so once." Dimitri felt the words tearing themselves free from somewhere deep within his chest, and though they fled through his lips gladly, they still stung him deeply as they wrestled their way out of him. How long had he held them down, forcing everything back into the darkness because the light just burnt him too strongly...? Too long. It had been too, too long, and he covered the hand that caressed his face with his own, holding it all the closer as he watched her eyes and continued raggedly, "I carried you back to the monastery... but that day, I also made... the single and most regrettable choice I have ever made in my lifetime. There is much I wish I could undo, much I wish I could change, as I know you know... But it was on that day, with you, that I made the worst choice, and I have regretted it more than anything else ever since."
Raine said nothing, staring up at him in confusion and wonder as he stared at her with undisguised self-loathing and grief written all across his face. His fingers were trembling on her own, proving the weight of his emotions even though she could not for the life of her understand what it was he was speaking of. She wanted to ask, wanted to demand he explain, but her tongue was too heavy in her mouth, and fear kept her rooted to the spot despite her burning curiosity. He had always expressed his feelings of regret strongly, of how much he wished he could change the past and do better, but something had happened that day that he felt even worse over, and despite it all, she couldn't guess what he meant. Had he done something while she had been unconscious, something he regretted and had never spoken of to anyone, and only now was allowing himself to speak of it because he feared her reaction? She could not tell, and so she held her silence, wondering and afraid of what words he would say next.
"I've loved you since the first moment I saw you... Since that day in Remire, when your father called your name and you stepped out of the shadows to join him and your brother to see the fumbling students we all had been then. When I saw you, standing there with nothing but confidence and trust in yourself and your family, I was so struck by you that it took everything I had to remember how to speak. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen... and every single moment I spent with you after only deepened that attraction I felt that day." Dimitri felt his face reddening as the confession escaped him almost gleefully, and from the surprised look she wore, he could tell she had not at all expected him to say such a thing after his far more cryptic speech minutes earlier. A wash of rouge spread over her cheeks in answer, and her eyes widened, but he forged onwards before his nerve cost him his tongue, "Learning under you, fighting beside you... Every day felt like a blessing because I could be with you, and learn more about you... Fall deeper in love with you. At first, I tried to deny it... but when the Captain passed... and there was that horrible moment when I didn't know if you, too, had been lost... There was no choice but to accept what I had allowed to happen. I was in love with you, and it was far too late for me to ever change that."
Dimitri watched as her eyes flickered, taking in his words with mixed emotions and an obvious wish to speak, but somehow, she held her tongue and allowed him to be the one to speak instead. He could sense the building pressure, the confusion and the wonder, but she kept a lid on it for his sake, and he was both pained and pleased that she wanted him to have his chance to confess it all to her before she would ask him a single thing. The emotions were overwhelming, painful and sweet and so full of regret, and Dimitri could not fight them any better now than he could then. He pulled, gently but inexorably, and he hugged her tightly to him as his face buried against her fragrant hair and allowed him to breathe her scent in.
Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck, holding him just as tightly to her, and his breathing felt ragged in his chest as the scent of spring rain washed over him. It cleared away the cobwebs, the mud and the dirt and blood that stuck to him even in his waking nightmares, and his arms crossed all the more firmly behind her back to ensure she couldn't escape even if she wanted to. The words in his throat burnt him, shamed him, but he spoke them urgently, feverishly in his wish to have them out and in the open despite all the long years he had kept them hidden, "That day, carrying you home, I knew I had a choice before me. For once, I had clarity, and for once, I saw a path laid out before my feet that did not carry me towards vengeance. All I had worked for, all I had wished for... It felt so small and paltry, when I had you in my arms and I understood just how deeply I loved you. And still... Still, I chose to abandon you. I saw it all, a life where I could bury my demons, where I could share my grief and my rage and my loneliness, and I cast it aside. I cast you aside. I chose my vengeance over you that day, and I know, had I chosen different... So much would have never come to pass. We could have lived much different lives, had I been honest with you, had I given you what you already had, but I was too afraid. And more than anything I have ever done... I regret that. I wish, so badly, I could go back in time and choose you then, so you wouldn't have suffered so much now. I'm so sorry, Raine. Please, forgive me."
The pain was exquisite, burning down deep inside of her chest and spreading out with every pulse of her heart like an electric poison into the depths of her bloodstream. Her vision blurred with tears, and Raine heard her fingers digging into the fabric of his tunic more than she felt herself gripping down onto him. The grief in his voice was so deep, so all-encompassing that he sounded like he was drowning just speaking of it, and she wished she had his strength if only to tug him out of it. All she could do was stand in his arms, hugging onto him with all the meagre strength her injured and scarred body could muster, and wish he knew he didn't need to apologize for a mistake of the past.
It didn't matter if he had known for so much longer than she did that he loved her, and it didn't matter that he had made a conscious choice to chase after his vengeance rather than rely on her. She could not blame him in the slightest. She hadn't been someone he could put his full faith in, and he had known her for so short a time that to imagine putting aside his life's goal simply to chase after her made little sense. He had worked so hard, for so long, to find those who had upset his homeland, those who had killed his father, that prioritizing that goal was the only thing she could see him doing. It didn't matter what kind of life he envisioned for them had he chose different... He had already chosen, and she did not begrudge him for that. She couldn't.
Still, she knew those feelings would be no balm, and it made speaking impossible as she felt Dimitri's strong arms curl themselves even more firmly about her body. He was still so careful, making sure not to crush her even though it was obviously something he wished for, but she could feel the trembling in his breath as he nuzzled her neck and embraced her fiercely. His voice was low, tortured and harsh, and a complete anathema in the gentleness he showed in his touch when he spoke, "I know... that there is no undoing the past. That what happened was meant to happen, and yet... I still wish I had chosen differently, if only to spare you the pain I caused. But, knowing that I cannot... I can only choose you now, and hope that that will be enough to make up for my mistake. I can't give you back the six years I wasted... but I can give you the rest of my life in return. I will give you the rest of my life in return."
Now, Dimitri drew back, and his one good cerulean eye was burning as he opened his hand to reveal the small, silver band he had been holding for also far too long. He watched as she stared at it with wide eyes and a rapidly reddening face, but he ignored it as he fought to keep his hands steady, and his voice level as he explained for her, "So much has been left unsaid between us... So much assumed, or just never mentioned... I know you would never ask me anything, and you've been afraid to wonder of your future. I take full blame for not making my intentions clear from the very beginning... I promised to take care of you, to never have you fear again, and I failed you. But from now on... Never again. Come with me, to Fhirdiad, and be with me, Raine. Allow me to make my home your home... Marry me, and know that I'll always be by your side. I can't imagine a life without you in it... and I will not imagine such a thing. Allow me to share everything I have with you, without reserve and without fear. No matter your choice, no matter if things change... You will always have a home in the Kingdom, and you will never be without. I will make sure of that."
Words, so many words tried to build up in her throat only to catch as Raine felt the weights that had been wrapped so tightly around her joints began to finally slip free. It was an offer made so freely, so carelessly, and for a brief and mad moment she wondered if she had dreamt of it. Yet there he still was, one arm gently wrapped about her waist while the other cradled that fragile-looking ring in his too-large palm for her to either take or reject. Her limbs could not move, frozen as the weight of her emotions crashed over her like the heaviest of waves from the depths of the sea, and the pain in her eyes was sweet as the tears fell soundlessly over her cheeks in the ensuing silence that she couldn't fill no matter how much she wished she could.
The arm about her waist softened before releasing, and Raine looked up in surprise at his willingness to let her go. His fingers closed over his precious, precious burden, and his expression was one of bittersweet pain as he looked down at her without a hint of judgement in his one good eye. His hand didn't drop, not entirely pulling away the ring from her, but his voice had taken on a rougher, ragged edge she instinctively bristled against when he continued in a rush, "Y-You don't need to accept this... I won't put a chain around your neck now that you've finally found your freedom... But my offer will stand, even if you don't wish to take my hand. I know what I ask of you is selfish. You would never be truly free, if you joined your life to mine... You just aren't capable of standing back, and allowing someone else to carry a burden you could share. I won't force that on you... but even still, I... I wish for you to come home with me, at the very least. To know, to be sure, that Faerghus will always have a place for you."
"Why are you talking as if I'd reject you?" The words were hoarse, spoken from a too-tight throat when she interrupted him before he could continue with his nonsense, and it took an ungodly effort she did not quite understand to raise her hands and clasp the fisted one he was now hiding the ring inside. He started, uncertainty and confusion rippling across his face, but she only tightened her hold on him in reply. She felt an overwhelming sense of exasperation and love, of annoyance and affection, and she squeezed down with all the strength she had as she murmured, "If you're truly offering me your hand, then of course I'd take it... Of course I'd marry you. I can't imagine anything else in my life that I could want more. Yes, Dimitri. Yes, I'll marry you."
"You... You know what that means, don't you...?" Dimitri fought the wave of relief, of joy that was cresting somewhere in his chest, and while a part of him roared for him to stop... His better sense could not. She was crying even as she held onto his hand as if it were the only thing that could keep her from drowning, but still he didn't have the strength to open it. His free one however reached of its own accord, hesitantly brushing away the tears as they came down her reddened cheeks, "You'll be a queen... Trapped again by obligation and ritual and expectation... I'd shield you from it all, if I could, but I won't lie and promise you that I would be capable of it. The people will want from you. They'll take from you, even if you don't wish it, because that will be what you are to them. Is that truly what you'd choose, after everything? You'd trap yourself to the wishes of strangers, to the burden of nobility, after you've finally found your freedom?"
Raine closed her eyes as the tears threatened to come faster and harder, and that sweet, sweet pain inside of her chest was almost too much for her at his sudden questioning. She turned her face, seeking those callused fingers, and he granted her what she wanted immediately with a stroke of his thumb and an opening of his palm. She took in a long, shaken breath, inhaling the scent of his skin, of the clean fabric of his tunic, to steady herself before she could find the strength to open her eyes again. He was watching her with a furrowed brow, his worry and fear written so plainly across his face that it reached out to scorch her, but she didn't mind. She didn't release her grip on his hand, squeezing down even tighter before she found her voice and answered him, "If being with you means I need to again learn an entirely new way to live my life... then that's fine by me. I've taken on more roles than I ever imagined I could have filled, and somehow, I'm still here... I don't care what might be expected of me. I'll take it on, all of it, if it means that you won't ever be able to be torn away from me. I can live through anything, absolutely anything, so long as you'll be beside me. I'm not afraid of what the world has left to throw my way... The only thing that scares me is being parted from you."
Dimitri found himself unable to speak, and he allowed her hands to turn his fist over, and then pry his fingers entirely open for her. She touched the ring tentatively, tenderly, and he watched as she studied the object with a keen, but kind eye. He knew he did not need to explain, that she would understand simply with one quick look, but he owed it and the man who had gifted it to him more than his silence. He swallowed the frustrating knot in his throat down, refusing to be a captive to it as he forced out his words for her, "Father... gave this to me when I was a boy... It was my birth mother's. He didn't wish to give it to my stepmother, as he felt it would be putting her up against that of a ghost when she deserved to be her own woman... He told me that one day, when I was to choose my partner, to give this to them. If you... I... Please... This belongs to you. It's... always belonged to you."
"I suppose our fathers had more in common that we might have ever guessed..." Raine mused with a soft laugh, and her fingertips traced the gentle edging of the ring with a lover's caress. It was beautiful and simple, studded with brilliant emeralds in what she could faintly recognize were arranged in the shape of the Kingdom's coat of arms. She had expected something more ostentatious, something large and commanding of attention, but Lambert had showed surprising restraint in the creation of his heirloom. She rested her hand over his, and offered him a weak, apologetic smile as the band rested between both of their warm palms, "You'll have to forgive me... I don't have a ring to trade with you right now, but I'll think of something right away. Father was buried with his, and the one he had for Mother went to Warin. It wouldn't have fit on your hand anyway."
Perhaps the tension had grown too much, but Dimitri heard himself laugh despite himself at her sheepish apology that truly made no sense when one paused to think of it. A gentle tug on her shoulder brought her back into his chest, and he clasped her close as he bowed his head and buried his face gladly into her hair. He could feel her smile on his cheek, her fingers interlacing with his as she leaned gladly into him, and he sighed as that heavy weight began to slide away from his shoulders, "Take all the time you need... It doesn't matter to me how long I might need to wait. Knowing you'll stay... Knowing that you'll still choose me... That's more than enough. I love you. I've loved you for so damned long... Forgive me for making you wait."
"Just take me to your home, Dimitri." Raine answered him with a soft sigh of her own, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders as she stood on tiptoe to better embrace him. His arms followed suit, curling themselves across her waist and back as he clung down even tighter, and she felt a warm shiver erupt over her skin at his firm, comforting strength. His lips brushed with errant affection across her neck, tender and thoughtless, and her fingers curled once more into the thick fabric of his cloak and tunic. He made her so impossibly warm, so incredibly hot, and it took almost nothing for her body and her heart to melt in the face of it. The words were so heavy on her tongue, the meaning burying itself down deep in her middle like a molten stone, and her voice turned breathless, desperate as she repeated herself, "Take me home with you... and never, ever let me go."
A shudder went through the much taller man as her words pierced him through like a lance, and he only needed to pull back a little before the look on her face made the decision for him of what would come next. Her navy eyes were liquid, love and longing and need all burning like twin fires, and he understood just what it was she needed without her having to say it. It was easy enough to speak the words, easy enough to accept them as he spoke them... but there was still that need that he could not fill with words alone. For so long, for too long, she had been drifting aimlessly, and the word "home" had lost all meaning to her. He wondered if she had ever really had a concept of the word, if she had ever really known what a home actually was, but she was willing to share what he had to give to her with him... But it wasn't entirely enough.
How could it ever really truly be enough?
Dimitri heard more than felt himself sweeping her from her feet and up into his arms, and in all honesty he could not remember how it was that he arrived in his own quarters with her. He must have passed through the halls, must have taken the stairs and carried her through the mostly-emptied dormitories, but everything had turned into a blur that he could not clear even if he had wished to spend his energies on it. It didn't matter. For this moment, for the two of them, it didn't have to matter. Witnesses, rumours, gossip, none of it was more important than that ever-burning need to fill the emptiness that had suddenly made itself known inside of the two of them. He had wanted her for far too long, had spent so long hiding from the painful truth that she had always mattered more than anything he had ever known, and he could not waste another moment that he had with her now that he had told her so.
Clothes fell from their bodies in soundless, clumsy heaps, and somehow in the mad rush that glint of silver found its way onto her ring finger. Together they fell onto his bed with a mixture of muffled groans and eager whispers. A distant part of him wondered, somewhere in the midst of grasping hands, of gasping mouths and eager tongues if he had remembered to lock the door behind him, but then her hands were pulling at him and all other thought than her was quickly wiped away. The outside world could wait, it would wait, while they satisfied themselves with each other. They had taken too long being selfless, and it was high time they allowed themselves to indulge.
It was a hot and mindless haze that fell over them, and Dimitri found himself more aware and needful of her that he had ever felt himself being before. Now she was truly his, now there was no way she could flee from him even if she wanted to, and the beast in the back of his head howled its triumph as his name echoed in a moan from her lips. Of course he would come to his senses when the fever left him, he would take the reigns and cage the monster that did not heed to human morality, but for the moment the beast was free and it did not need the man's permission to please its mate. It knew her as well as he did, each and every sensitive spot that made her twitch and shiver and moan his name in her sweet, sweet voice, and he marked her without reserve and greedy pleasure as he revelled in the knowledge that never again would anyone question who it was she belonged to.
Her nails returned the favour, scratching across his broad, scarred back and leaving long red marks that he knew wouldn't fade for a deliciously long time, and each time he brought her to the edge, she was the one who let her teeth mar his shoulder in a desperate and futile attempt to stymie her screams of pleasure. He urged her further, his voice dark and hoarse in her ear as he reminded her to not hold it in, to forget it all and only know him and the moment they were sharing in the here and now. Their chances in the future would be so slim and rare, would be moments caught and rushed, and he wanted her to enjoy their freedom now and allow it to last.
"Tighter... Hold me tighter..." Raine's voice was hoarse, hungry and desperate as her arms wrapped tightly about his neck to anchor him to her as he fell atop of her again. It was almost a stranglehold, and he savoured the way her entire body coiled like satin around his to ensure that the only movement between them could be the constant thrusting of their hips as he pushed inside and slid out, only to plunge back inside with a desperate fervour that she matched eagerly. Sweat slicked their skin, making their grips all the more hard to maintain, but if either minded it they did not show it. His lips scorched their way across her throat, his teeth grazing almost playfully at her pulse-point as his strong hands grasped her waist in obedience to her order.
"Forever, my beloved..." Dimitri returned roughly, and he could feel her ankles locking behind his waist as her back arched off of his bed to ensure that not even an inch of his skin strayed from her own. Her desperation was adorable, her eagerness flattering, but she had no need to fear that he would leave her be to suffer alone. This burn could only be quenched by his hands, just as much as his could be cured by no one but her, and he groaned as that unrelenting pressure began to make itself known again deep in his midsection. How many times now had he taken her, how many times had he driven her to that bittersweet bliss of climax and allowed himself to lose himself in her in turn? He had long since lost count, but she didn't seem to care as she dragged her nails once more across his shoulders and scalp in anticipation even as he tried to fight it, "Damn it...!"
"Tell me you're taking me home..." Raine whispered, her voice shaky and nearly a whimper as his hips surged forward in mindless search for his fulfilment. He lifted his head from her throat, hair falling forward into his face as he met her stare and held it for a long, long moment. It was a plea she would have never made had she been in her right mind, and he knew it just as well as she did, but all such thoughts of propriety and self-restraint had long since flown the room. Here, in this moment, she was free to be as needy and selfish as she wished, and she did so with only a small hint of regret that she would embrace in the next dawn, "I want to hear you tell me... that you're going to take me home with you...!"
His body shuddered all the way to the depths, far past skin and muscle and bone, and dimly he had to remember that if he was to go any rougher with her that he would be in real danger of doing her harm. It was one thing to nip and clutch, as his bites and bruises always would heal and never left more than the most faintest of aches on her pale and creamy skin, but when she said such things it made him almost forget that he could so easily rip her apart if he dared to lose his mind wholly in her. Still, to let such things go unanswered was unacceptable, and his hands moved their way up her body, caressing every last inch of her from hip to shoulder, neck to cheek before he finally clasped her face.
He bowed down, touching his forehead to hers as her hips twisted and rocked with helpless need against his own more and more restless movements. Every single twitch, the long grinding, the gyrations threatened to tip him over the edge, and from the shivering of her limbs as she held onto him he knew she was teetering on the brink just as he was. Still, he fought it, breathing ragged and rough as her dazed, navy eyes held his single cerulean one and urged him to say the words. He did not fail her, his hips bucking harder, seeking to bury himself in so deep that she would never again know how it felt to be without him as he growled against her gasping lips, "We're going to go home together, Raine... I'm going to take you with me... I'm going to take you home...!"
Her nails sank in, puncturing through skin as he drove her cruelly past her limits, and his name came out in a strangled cry that he couldn't help but muffle with his mouth in his eagerness to kiss her. That tightening shudder, the way her body came undone so wholeheartedly in his arms was all his own needed to find his release, and his groan was deep and rumbling as he succumbed to it eagerly. They froze together, clutching and shaking and gasping as wave after wave of bittersweet pleasure overwhelmed their bodies and minds and finally paved the way for an all-consuming sense of exhaustion as they collapsed in a tangle of limbs and sheets.
Raine was not entirely sure when she had fallen asleep, and when she woke the darkness of the night had fallen over the monastery and left her with no idea of how long she had dozed. She was dimly aware of her muscles aching, of her body complaining of the strain of how improperly she had treated it when her wounds still had the faintest hints of discomfort when she pulled them wrong, but over the pain was a sense of satisfaction that was more than enough to drown out all other sensations. Dimitri's arm was heavy on her waist, reaching over her body to curl her into him, and he was still asleep, face nuzzled into her shoulder and chest rising and falling in a deep, rhythmic display of an all-too-pleased sort of exhaustion she knew very well.
She was curled up comfortably in his arms, her back pressed up tightly to his chest, and somewhere in between their fervour and their sleep their bodies had managed to be covered haphazardly in his blankets. She wondered errantly if it had been his doing, as he always seemed to have that one last moment of clarity when she herself felt her body giving in even as her mind craved for one last minute to watch and feel him after their lovemaking was forced to come to an end. His hand was covering her own, his fingers interlaced with hers even in sleep, and Raine couldn't help but smile as she looked down to the connection he had always seemed to cherish more than any other.
His ring glinted in the faint shine of the moon coming through the window, and she lay silent and content as she examined how it felt and looked on her finger. It would need to be resized upon their return to Fhirdiad, her hand was strangely smaller than his mother's hand had been, but she did not mind the looseness of the band. The sight of the silver made her heart clench, and the gemstones were brilliant even in such faded light. The colour was rich, much more dark and full than the green she had known when her body had changed against her will, but she admitted to quite liking the way it sucked her in and soothed her with its strange comfort she did not quite understand. A ring for a woman she did not know, but she still thanked the late queen in silence for the sacrifice she had made in bringing her son into the world.
'Had he never been born, I wouldn't be here today... and I had never been born, I don't think he would be here, either...' The thought circled its way slowly, lazily inside of her mind, and she was silent and contemplative as she continued to study the ring that now had found a permanent home on her hand. A small part of her wanted to take it off, to examine it from every angle, but another selfishly did want to remove it unless it was absolutely necessary. The metal and the gems were warm, having taken in the heat of Dimitri's large hand, and she smiled to herself as she tilted her head to study it more closely.
Gentle silver, warm stones, and the faintest claim of the northern lands that soon were to take her in all reflected in the moonlight, and Raine's fingertips continued to circle it endlessly as she wondered how such a tiny trinket could hold so much weight in it. She could barely imagine how it must have felt for Dimitri, to have carried it in his pocket for as long as he had been, and she winced in sympathy for him. So much expectation, and so much fear... He had always spoken so easily of the fact that she could reject him at any time and he would walk away without hesitation or argument... but for the first time, she had seen the very real fear in him that he would be forced to cleave to his word if she rejected him when he had held that ring in his hand for her.
"The blasted fool..." The curse was whispered gently even as she curled her fingers just a little tighter against the much broader ones that were interlaced between hers. Though she was rather certain she knew the feeling of heartbreak, it was absurdly accurate to describe what had happened inside of her chest when she had looked at him and saw it all laid bare in his face. It was as if he had already convinced himself of the inevitability of her rejection, that his confession would skew her entire perception of him, and now that the rush of emotions was over, Raine felt the wild urge to grab the nearest object and smack him in the face with it. She couldn't understand him, understand his fear, and it aggravated her almost as much as it melted her and made her want to hold him tight in loving reassurance.
Yet... They weren't all that different, were they? Raine was well aware of her hypocrisy, and she wondered at that night in her quarters, when she had read from her father's diary and waited for him to renounce her as a monster. He had looked just as incredulous as she felt now, at the idea that he would ever choose to leave her, and she wondered if he had felt as offended as she now did. It was lunacy, truly, but at the same time she knew she had to temper her anger... How could she really hold a grudge against him for his fear, when she had known it as intimately as she did? It was not at all fair, even if he now had the advantage of time that had settled their hearts and minds together.
He was still so fragile. Strong and broad and tall as he was... Raine was well aware that he was always just one breath away from breaking into a thousand pieces. They were alike in that, too. He had admitted to it outright more than once, on those panic-fuelled nights where sheets were ripped after painful and too-real nightmares, and she was well aware of the truth of it. The ghosts he saw would never leave him. The stains of blood on his hands could never be clean. The voices would never go silent... but she had never once judged him. She had learned instead to live inside of his pain, to anchor him when the hands tried to drag him under, and she had promised that each time he woke from a nightmare that it would be her face he would see when reality came rushing in to chase away the dreams.
He had given her that kindness, and she could not in good faith not repay it. It didn't much matter that now she would be leaving all she knew to start afresh in a strange land to keep her vigil, as she was genuinely glad to go... but she admitted, with a small and painful smile, that she wasn't entirely sure that her emotions were quite as decided as her head was. Her heart was a wild thing that she could not control, that she still could not handle at its worst, and the feelings of gratitude, of excitement, of relief and sadness and fear all were rolled up inside of her body.
Still, no longer did she fear the emotions that swept away her mind and took a fierce hold of her now-beating heart. She still had much to learn of herself, of how to control the strength of the emotions she had never truly known before when her heart had been still, but she was safe in the knowledge that the journey ahead was not one she was taking alone. She hadn't truly feared she would be taking such a journey by herself, he would have never allowed it, but her mind was inventive, and it was cruel. With the words unsaid, the fear had festered and bubbled, threatening to boil over in a roaring escape that threatened to kneecap her, but with such ease did he push it all aside.
Faerghus awaited its king... and she would be arriving with him, finding a home inside of the capitol, inside of the palace, alongside him. She wondered errantly at his warnings, at his worries that she would be throwing herself into a new, cruel world that would once again demand so much of her... but as she lay with him in silence, Raine found herself able to admit that she honestly didn't feel an ounce of true fear for it. After all she had lived through, after all of the titles that had been forced upon her... What did a new one matter? She would learn how to live as a noble, she would learn how to support him in his ruling of the Kingdom, and she would stand at his side through the whispers and the jeers and even the applause because to imagine a future where she stood alone was the one thing that truly scared her.
'I wonder... if Warin will feel the same confidence someday...?' The thought was a bittersweet one, as she thought of the man she had spent all of her life with and the fact that he would be leaving on the following dawn. He hadn't said a word of his real thoughts, but he didn't really need to. They were parting ways, and they would say their farewells on the morrow, but she had seen the hesitation in his navy eyes more than once. She knew he wondered just how well he could fill the shadow that their father had left behind, but he had never allowed the fear to stop him from trying. Of course, that had been in the midst of battle and death, where a single moment of hesitation would cost him everything, and now the two of them were free of such burdens... Would he hesitate now, with the path open before him, and without her there to remind him to stay steady?
'No... He'll be fine... We both will. He's been the Blade Breaker for far longer than he knows... and he doesn't need me to tell him that any more.' Raine shook her head a little, chastising herself for her fear and concern even though her heart squeezed unhappily in defiance. Parting was painful, it was frightening, but she had come to accept it to be the way of things. They could not live side-by-side forever... and his path was not one she could walk any longer. The fight had gone clean out of her... In fact, she had caught herself wondering so many times if perhaps the time had come to hang up her blade for good... but she knew that was errant fantasy.
The Sword of the Creator would be leaving Garreg Mach with her, and it would never leave her side for as long as she breathed. After her death, she would see it returned to the monastery, to once again be sealed away, but not until that moment when her heart stopped beating. She could not part with it, and she would not part with it. She had given up most of what Sothis had given her, but this one thing she would keep... The remainder of her dear friend, of the Progenitor God, and of the sister she had never known she wanted, but had loved so dearly. She would do her duty, and keep her close in times of peace and in times of fear, because Sothis had made her promise to do so.
'I wonder if it will strange, for a queen to wear a sword at all times... I suppose I should ask Dimitri about that tomorrow...' Raine mused with the softest of chuckles, and she allowed herself a quiet little sigh as her body once more began to relax. Dimitri's breathing behind her was slow and even, calm and rhythmic, and it was a lull that she was having a difficult time resisting. The weight of his arm across her body was warm and comforting, pinning her down in place but not at all leaving her feeling trapped, and Raine became abruptly aware of the feeling of lightness that had been toying with her body ever since she had woken up in the faint shine of the moon.
Even as the ring glimmered faintly in the pale silver shining moonlight coming in through the window, Raine was aware for the first time in her life that she felt no chains about her body. Every last manacle had fallen from her joints to hit the ground, and the weight had slipped away to leave her with a feeling that was completely beyond description. It was a sensation she did not recognize, a freedom she had never experienced, and a small part of her admitted that sometimes she would find herself missing the heaviness of what she had always known. As suffocating, as restraining, as painful as those chains at been, they had also given her purpose, and being dragged along had always been preferable to the gut-wrenching terror of a listless unknown.
Closing her eyes, Raine shuffled herself backwards just a little bit further into the warmth of her sleeping lover's arms. She felt him shift, heard his voice mumble something incoherent as he nuzzled instinctively into her shoulder, but his sleep was far too deep for her to interrupt with some light movement. She was glad for it, for the knowledge that he was able to sleep so peacefully when he was with her, but she supposed she had to admit the opposite was also true. Even though she still had so much to think of, so much to wonder about, already she was being pulled back under. He was too warm to resist, and her smile curled at her lips as she murmured softly, allowing the thickness of sleep to blur out the world about them at least until the morning, "Thank you... for giving me what I was too afraid to ask for... I love you, Dimitri."
AN:
It's almost over! -collapses-
Okay, so, as I said, there is only the epilogue left to take place before AM: CT is finally wrapped up for good. I'm still admittedly on the fence about the idea of writing in filler pieces that I was never able to fit into the work proper, but as things stand now, I think it's better that I don't make any promises. I was meant to stick to a tighter schedule in finishing AM: CT, but quite obviously that never worked out... Which I do genuinely apologize for. All the hiatuses, the breaks and the unexplained and very long disappearances aren't exactly things I am happy about. I wish I could have stuck to the timeline I had set for myself and not made the ride so long, but I know that I can't push myself to write if I don't feel the motivation. A late product is far better than a half-assed one, though I know that opinion is divisive.
The epilogue will come out soon, (as I will be in the process of writing it once this chapter is uploaded) but I won't share many spoilers about what it will entail. I can safely tell you it will take place in Fhirdiad, but that is probably all I want to say about it. And while I would like to say more like I usually do in my ANs, I'm kind of sleep-deprived, and don't really trust myself not to spoil things... Plus, even the last minute details can change, if my mood swings that way. So please forgive my secrecy, and please be patient just a little bit longer before this work is completed for good!
PS: As a precursor before the question is asked, no, I am not writing anything for Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes. I did not buy the game. I do not intend to buy the game. Please do not ask further.
Mood: Super Sleepy
Listening To: "Weighty Ghost" - Wintersleep
~ Sky