26
He opened his eyes, and as slits, he recognized certain key features in the dark; long navy hair, the window open, chilly, and those lips smoking, tapping the ash off on a piece of paper, no doubt that he was using the window as ventilation to let the smoke escape.
Bakugo took a few minutes to just observe. He didn't move an inch in bed, just laid there, with his lids sleepy. He didn't want to say anything just yet, didn't want him to know he was awake, as he didn't want to disturb him. His eyes treated themselves in his form... just for a bit.
He wanted a moment, that's all.
Kasaya's lengthy mane looked soft, a bit untamed, as a breeze from the outside puffed it around in the dark. Calm, he brought his fingers up to the butt of the cigarette to squeeze, to blow a steady steam of white out.
He looked like a muse. An artist's muse.
His posture relaxed, masculine, with a sort of aesthetic 'air' to him that did nothing but breathe to Bakugo that he was in some sort of deep thought.
He no longer got internally frustrated if he found his red eyes befalling him. He'd battled with that for months, but once he'd admitted to himself that he felt he liked him, aside from when they stared at each other, it had made those secret looks much easier to digest.
Yes, he was looking, that he accepted, but not to another soul would he show it, unsure on two things: The whiplash of society (which he normally didn't care about), and how his peers viewed him (which he also normally didn't care about).
But this was different than any other thing.
This could lead up to meaning something deeply revolving within his whole character, his outline. He was not okay with letting anyone see that, letting peers, people, the public, know his internal, secret machinations, contemplation.
"Outside too'cold?" Bakugo finally mumbled, taking off his covers and putting his feet on the tile floor. 'Damn.' It was cold! He then sunk his feet quick into some indoor slippers.
"Yeh." He butted the ash off, putting the cigarette back to his lips. Kasaya put a swish of hair behind his left ear, it wasn't in a bun right now, he had brushed it out before bed this time, rather lazily.
Katsuki wrapped a blanket off his bed up around his shoulders, a shiver went up him. That little bit of breeze coming in, it was definitely November. "Wha'time is it?" He rubbed an eye, a yawn.
"1 in th'morning."
"Damn." They had both went down early tonight... or so he thought.
Kasaya peripherally looked at him, thinking, but then let his glare return back to the outside world, back behind the building into the construction zone. "I don'sleep. Insomnia."
"That why we'go out late and screw'round with your quirk?" But he had fallen asleep when he was drawing those nautical stars on his hips, so he knew, he did sleep sometimes.
Satoko chuckled. "That's always'been a'reason. Migh'as well." He scratched his arm. "Why do'you like goin'anyway?" He was set on understanding that he probably awoke him somehow, that was completely unintentional, he was trying to be respectful and quiet while the blonde slept.
"I can't resist th'fun."
Kasaya smirked at him, his face turning to his roommate at that remark. "It is fun... isn't it?"
The biker cut stood stretching, a small chuckle back, then wrapped his blanket around himself tighter, knowing his roommate was watching him coming over. Kasaya scooted to make space for him to pull out his desk chair. Bakugo plopped down rashly as he just had woke and was feeling loosey-goosey. His muscles were slowly waking up, some life coming back into them. He scooted in his chair, to be right next to Saya's, sitting to his left.
Katsuki mimicked the other who was sitting in his by the window on his side of the room, his feet up in the sill. He noticed the cup out on the desk top. "You been drinkin'."
"Ya'know it." Satoko said, he head lulled back on the chair, looking away, to where his neck was arched, adam's apple to the ceiling, and the long hair fell back, cigarette burning, it's end up to the sky of the room too. He laced his hands together over his abdomen.
Bakugo could smell it, usually he couldn't very much. 'Man, he's fuckin' done it.' Saya was actually... he might actually be, usually he wasn't, didn't let it go that far. But it was Friday night (well Saturday morning now), no school on Saturdays. "You drunk?"
Satoko began chuckling a strange chuckle out of his throat, it lasted too long amount of a time. Bakugo seen the cigarette end burn red, then Satoko emitted a billow of smoke out of his nose. Once done: "I am." He chuckle a short one in his throat.
"Hn." He was by himself. Since when did he start assuming that this was something that they had to do together all the time? Bakugo plucked that cigarette out of his mouth, earning a grin from Satoko, who rocked his head back in forth in a 'Oh you' type of way. He took a deep puff, and questioned whether he should put it back or not, into those lips.
But when he didn't, instead, taking a secondary puff, the long-haired man popped open his left eye, just enough as a slit of gray. "You hoggin'?"
"Nah." Bakugo began to move his hand over, so that his roommate could grasp it into his thin fingers, but instead, Satoko grabbed Bakugo's wrist, not forcefully, and tugged him over a bit with bemused look, and hanging onto him, positioned the cigarette filter over his lips, and as Bakugo let go of it, it perched back in his mouth.
Katsuki instantly withdrew his arm back once Satoko let go.
Butterflies.
That quick domineering thing, that reminded him of himself. Plus, it came off to him as a tad flirty. Could not be though, he was most likely just drunk and uncaring.
Uncaring.
That was probably it, he figured.
Saya was all relaxed, laying out with no shirt on, and with that motion, Bakugo knew full well... he really was past his daily tipsy (which really didn't come off as tipsy to anyone because that was his normal).
"Why'd y'wanna?"
"Thinkin'bout stuff. N, I'm'n alcoholic, so." Kasaya chuckled, mumbling, known he was since he was 12; figured Bakugo deducted that on his own by now. His whole length was feeling out-of-body. Oh yeh, this felt good. "Don'tell on'me f'smokin' inside."
"Why'do I care?" A grumble.
Kasaya coughed, knowing he wouldn't. He was teasing! He tapped his roommate's knee, as Bakugo was in athletic shorts, getting a positive look back from him.
Bakugo knew he was playing around with him.
Some of the navy hair swished off those shoulders. Kasaya for as plain as he seemed to others, Bakugo knew this was him being ridiculous. Ridiculous was kind of an overstatement though, others would describe 'ridiculous' as being naked and running all over campus screaming at the tops of his lungs or something; Kasaya's ridiculous was contained, inside the room, in this corner, but Bakugo knew those gestures were not the usual, being grabby like that, poking like that, similar to the restaurant when he was snatching up the sake cup.
He tested by taking a chug out of his drink on his desk, and yes, it was strong.
"Make'one. If'you want. I don'care." Saya had heard him swallow.
"K." Bakugo opened his bottom drawer, and begin taking the medals out, pondering that he really was beginning to enjoy these times with him. "Why do'you not display'em or somethin'?" He sat the large bottle of vodka up on the desk, he meant the medals he had.
He felt jealous that Kasaya had so many golds, when his wasn't even earned, but that diminished quick as Kasaya just threw his around like they were trash. It immediately halted any feeling like that that he'd had.
The question he asked was because he wanted the 'because'. Why toss them around like they were garbage?
"Nah." Kasaya ran a hand through his hair, puffing, letting out smoke again. "I hate'em. Items of'th past. They mean nothin'. Jus'a bunch'a reminders of'it gettin'screwed up."
'Same.' Bakugo stood. Instantly, he wanted to show him. He slipped over to his closet and yanked out the tournament medal, and put it on Kasaya's desk top, then sat back down, busy making a drink. "I'got one too."
"Hn?"
"Yeh. I'm the Terror of the Tournament. That's what they call it, what they call'me." Bakugo poured the OJ first.
Kasaya lackadaisically shot his arm out, fishing for it, wanting to see.
"Easy!" Bakugo got a bit loud. He'd almost knocked the juice bottle over, which would of resulted in a mess.
"Mnn. M'bad." Kasaya swallowed. Obeyed. He truly was right. It was late, he bet he was getting loud... he hadn't been this drunk since The Golden. "Heavy." Through cracked lids he could see a stage emblem on the gold medal he was holding.
"Same f'me. It's jus'a fucked'memory. I won, but only because Half n' Half bastard refused t'use half his quirk."
"Ah. Not full power." Kasaya's lips lit up the end of the cigarette. He sat up just a bit, and a weird wild streak went through him. He had a sudden idea. "Y'hate it?"
"Yeh."
"Y'keep it cause y'want it t'be happy, but it jus'ain't."
Bakugo took his first sip of his drink. He was absolutely right.
Red eyes shot to him when he seen movement, Satoko stirring.
He'd wanted to feel like it was earned, wanted to feel that he had deserved it, all linking to amazing, grand feelings of pride, but instead as it was given, and he was muzzled up, he felt stripped bare. "Yes."
Kasaya hunched down, nearly tipped over in his desk chair.
Bakugo suddenly reached out to balance him, and Satoko: "I got'this." Bakugo didn't pull his hands back as he said that, his words were obviously not correct.
Kasaya just ignored and began yanking, cigarette in mouth. He tugged a box out of his second drawer and began dumping all the contents back into it to, emptying the box; a bunch of office supply type things: a stapler, tape, some binder clips.
Then he watched Satoko grab Bakugo's tournament medal off the table and start jamming all his baseball medals into it too. Every single one, then he closed the lid, it was an old shoebox. Sitting the box on his lap, he began talk, rather slurrily as Bakugo pushed him back upright, and worse after he completely chugged the rest of his drink, and Bakugo went on to make him another just waiting and listening.
He wanted what the guy had to say, he also looked rather good right now and was capturing the blonde's attention. His body was defined only by the minimal light, mostly the piercings, which were four flecks of illumination on his chest, and the red end of that cigarette.
Like eyes in the night of an animal, those four flecks that were moving around, drew his cinnamon eyes in.
"I'm... I'm'gettin'rid of'em."
Bakugo looked. Kind of shocked! His roommate just dealt with stuff in a 'held back', easy-going kind of way. Headstrong this was.
This was new.
"Like?" The blonde wondered, he was instantly attached. He didn't mind him grabbing his tournament medal and stuffing it in there too, because he fuckin' despised it.
"I'm gunna'burn'em. You'in?"
Bakugo sat up straighter. "Now?" Alert.
"No. Some'other time." Kasaya felt more free with him as they spoke now. Plus, he'd been drunk around him before, and now they knew each other better. "Silly." He let his mouth pipe.
That was 'cute' of biker cut, Kasaya smirked, assuming that they'd just blast off somewhere now. Well, they do go out late a lot, so he could see why he'd think that. It was just his response back that got him.
"I'm not silly." Bakugo smirked taking a sip.
"Makin'that girl pick her'nose... right." Sarcasm. Playing around.
Bakugo reached out and smacked his knee back.
The way they 'kidded around' it was mildly childish. They wouldn't be this way with anyone else, and it'd just started up within the past week, after they had drawn on each other with markers; the teasing.
Both didn't admit that they liked it, but since it just continued on, both knew the other at least didn't mind.
That skin-ship, it had opened a gateway into a new field. One where they touched each other... a lot.
Outside martial arts practice.
Katsuki had laid on Kasaya's bed again, and there the navy haired teen had colored in the faux-tattoo a second time as the black had began to fade. They mouthed each other off (lightly), and would tap each other's knees and shoulders. Bakugo pinched his elbow to get his attention once already.
They'd also played a stupid ass game of Chicken the other day in the room where they had their palms flat on each other's held up, scaring the other with quick movements (pysching each other out that their palms would get slapped), then once the person on top's palms were conquered and smacked really really hard from the underneath one's, they'd switch, Kasaya's hands on top, then it'd be Bakugo's turn to get him. Then switch. Then back.
'Chicken' lasted over an hour.
Laughs. Lots of cussing, as they both didn't go easy on each other, smacking as hard as they could.
All of this...
Kasaya had noticed.
Bakugo had noticed.
On both ends, they kept it as non-assuming as possible, as innocent as possible.
Kasaya felt he had pressed a boundary that he shouldn't have in the shower room (it was accidental, he honestly just wanted him to see better, as he didn't want to be stabbed in the chest by his own metal body jewelry), but then upon doing it, realized the dire mistake, and that was what had led Bakugo to having the reaction he had, sitting there on that bench, slits as eyes, then to press him up against the lockers. Kasaya felt he'd stirred up in him a false desire that should of not happened that had spilled over into himself as well, as he caught himself thinking that it's just be so simple to of leaned down in that moment and put his lips on his. But, he remained utter confused about why Katsuki reeled around to give him his father's necklace.
Katuski felt he had teased Kasaya too much. As soon as he'd caught on that he was riling him up a bit, he felt a sudden urge to tease the shit out of him. It was later that he realized, that was because he liked him, but initially those moments in the shower room, seeing that bit lip, the slow beat of his eyelashes, chest in and out, he had more than riled him. He'd turned him on a bit. And since he'd come to grasp that he liked him, that fact, it didn't gross him out as much as he'd thought it should, but all in all, he probably shouldn't of done that. It caused a heat to come up in his roommate, and he just... he had no way of knowing if he felt anything the same.
He wouldn't demand out of him that he 'like' him back, nor would he even ask.
Because he probably didn't. That thought made his heart slump out in his chest.
But why was it... a man?
That part, Katsuki was so confused on. He knew what this slowly might be creeping up to be. If he was having these small tendencies towards a... male.
As he'd thought on, he didn't want a label, because he didn't know the extent of this yet.
He'd just keep his damn mouth shut.
That fuckin' Deku for seeing his 'tattoo'! Fuck, that pissed him off!
He'd have to be more careful.
The innocence with Kasaya that was what Bakugo was more focused on than his own 'like' of him, it was just so much fun! Fun Katuski hadn't had in a long time. It was nice, and a good feeling that Kasaya was teasing him back, even though it was in a 'friendly' way.
Either way, both had acknowledged what had happened in the shower room, but in the end, both had shut it down, justifying it in their own ways as something that shouldn't of occurred for the sake of the other.
Which was an entirely selfless action for both.
"I'm in." It took Bakugo a minute to respond. Would the guy follow through? Or was he just spittering on right now in a drunken state?
Bakugo could see the two scars. One on his shoulder, one on his side. His father's necklace. No, it was his necklace. He'd given him his necklace.
'Damn it.' Butterflies in his stomach. He tried shutting it down. "Where?"
"Dunno, we'll find a'place." Kasaya noticed, yet again they were making plans. He never assumed him along now, always asked, but Bakugo was beginning to agree to just about anything. He wondered why. He sat the box on the floor.
Kasaya took the other drink up and began chugging.
Bakugo chased him to the bottom of his cup, putting it down a little harder than normal. "I win." The blonde was victorious!
The other chuckled. "Damn!" Kasaya turned, he did win! He lazily slugged the rest back, and rolled his head to the left. He touched one of his piercings. "Shit, th'metals'freezin'." He finished off the last of his cigarette, butting it out on the paper.
"Turn y'chair over here. I'll shut th'window."
"K..."
Bakugo found himself starting to do things for the guy. Filling drinks, now closing a window?
He'd actually held a door open the other day for him as he seen him coming back from class. Kasaya hadn't said 'thanks' or anything, but as they met in their threshold, those gray eyes were what said 'thank you' into his red ones, and there was a phased instance where Bakugo felt alone with him.
Every time they stared, it was like the were alone, no matter where they were.
Like a fizz of lightning, it shot across, connecting.
Bakugo threw his blanket up around the guy, for he knew he wanted to stay up longer, and wrapped himself up in it too, content with staying up also now.
There was a space in between them, separated by where the seat of their chairs met, their heads poking out the top, heads facing each other.
Katsuki knew to do this from when he was a kid.
Deku and him used to go camping with their buddies in the woods (with parental guidance of Deku's mom), and they used to all wrap-up in one huge blanket together in a circle. That blanket was his grandma's, and they'd sit around in the cold outdoors by the campfire, sipping on hot chocolate, staring at the stars, there was always a shit ton of hero magazines in their laps under the blankets, and they would all poke their heads down randomly and point and laugh at things.
Making stupid kindergarten jokes:
'That dude is ugly!'
Then Deku made a comment, 'That's Zeromega! He's the best!'
'I thought you said All Might was the best.'
'Duh Bakugo! He does think that!' Another playmate put a hand on hip. Sassy.
Hot chocolate sip. 'Yeh! He's cool too though!'
Laughing. Lots of laughing.
Bakugo peeped.
Deku's mom smiled, she waved from a log-seat on the other side of the campfire.
He waved with a large kiddish smile. "HIII!"
"Hi Katsuki." She smiled.
Bakugo poured two drinks, and brought his inside the blanket and moved his legs to sit inside the loose 'burrito-wrap-up' Indian-style. He smirked into it as he took a sip.
Things had changed, but this moment with Kasaya, it brought him back. Those were the times.
Kasaya did the same, a little unevenly as he unsteadily rocked around, but made it without a spill.
Their knees were touching.
"Where'd you do this'at?"
"Ah... when I'was a kid." Bakugo. He changed the subject back. "Why'ya wanna burn 'em?" It was funny, his hands were over the cup, as if he was to be holding and blowing on a cup of hot chocolate like he was little again. He was smiling.
Satoko's cup was similarly sitting in his palms. "Metal's gotta melt. I'wanna'make sure that they're not still out'there somewhere'in th'world."
"Hate th'bad huh?"
"For her ruinin' that, yeh." He took a sip, they were rather... eh, close right now. "I didn't have much'a childhood. She wrecked'tha'shit."
"Yeh." He was frustrated. Always. Damn it. He wanted to know though, but had a streak of 'antsy' start rolling in, that last drink was starting to hit him. Suki had that familiar 'hot in the face' from the liquor.
Kasaya hastily was downing his drink again. "I'm drinkin' all'I want'tonight."
"Let'me catch up."
Satoko smirked and slowed. Sure. He'd wait... for a bit. He'd been openly sharing his birthday bottle with him, it really was enough for more than one. Again, Bakugo was giving into him. He hoped he felt that he didn't have to if he didn't want.
It was actually the opposite. Kasaya was thinking wrong.
Drinking made Katsuki feel all nutty, like a boy again, and it made his yoke lift, it made him relax, things slipping back into a euphoric state. Things were just 'better', he felt 'better', looser, like air. Even though he contained it like Kasaya, on the inside, it made him feel like spinning, laughing, screaming, grabbing hands, even dancing. Like no cares in the world existed.
Free.
Like his 5 year old self drinking hot chocolate by the campfire.
Being drunk that one time, going up to the edge and falling over, that'd been new, but once he'd done it (aside from the events that night in the penthouse), he'd wanted to feel that crazy again.
He was making his own drink too strong, wanting to catch up to Kasaya's level as quick as he could. He wanted how he felt right now to be even more amplified.
Especially around Kasaya.
"So, what if..." Bakugo was mumbly making another already. "eh." A cap unscrewing.
"Hah?" Satoko sipped, yanking a bit of blanket up around his shoulders to warm himself up more. That emotion control, added to the chilliness. Another reason why he liked drinking, it warmed him. He always had extra blankets on his bed, and that didn't even keep him warm enough to sleep, adding to his insomnia. He'd considered asking Hisashi to buy him a heated blanket, but hadn't yet.
"What if y'could do'over bein'a kid?"
Satoko looked up. "Wha? Hmn, I'would."
'Me too.' Bakugo just smiled. He got that Kasaya didn't have that great of an early life, neither did he after he'd turned 8 and his brain started drawing lines between things. But Saya saying that he felt like UA was his jail, that he was trapped, that was what was resonating in his mind right now.
Katsuki wanted to wipe it all away for him, alongside reliving a few times like that himself.
He wanted to replace all the bad things, with new things.
Erase Satoko's mind forever of the witch.
"Didn't hav'much'a childhood either, was short like'yours." Bakugo went on. Satoko listened. "I tol'you'my parents passed when I'was'5."
"Mhm." Kasaya sipping. Looking, he moved his long hair to the side, it was getting stuck in his right piercing's jewelry. He watched him start chugging, smelling the vodka, it looked like there was some memories he was trying to black out of his head too. Saya could relate. His roommate actually, really must be into wanting to do this right now then. That kind of chippered him up a bit, able to set aside the thought that he might of pushed it on him somehow.
Bakugo's breath was now nothing but citrus. "What's somethin'y'used t'do that y'don't anymore?"
"My'bro an'I used t'crawl out on'the roof of our house an'not tell dad."
"Nuther reason y'like views?"
"Yeh. Wh'bout you?"
Katsuki put his cup down on the Saya's desk, suddenly he was feeling it. Fast approaching. "Used t'make blanket forts."
"I did tha'once w'my brother." He sipped, swaying in his seat, his eyes were kind of getting blurry on the sides. A few more and he'd be there.
Here they were talking about stuff that pertained to nothing again. It always went from serious to not serious at all with them.
"I'm feelin'it now." He meant the drink. Bakugo, his posture slumped over. "Let'z make'one." He'd gotten himself drunkish in less than fifteen minutes. New record.
Kasaya head swayed up. "A fort?" Bakugo was being so pure right now, he knew it was the drink getting to him probably, but because of that, Kasaya felt like giving in, caving to his will.
"Yeh." Kugo.
Pure.
Just like his interest in his piercings before he messed that up in accident, by sliding up into his lap some. He'd make that up to him. "Where do'we start?"
After a good twenty minutes they had a makeshift one set up. They'd pulled thier mattresses off thier bed to the middle of the floor, and using the edges of their desks and thier desk chairs as support, threw a few blankets over the top.
They threw all the rest of the sheets and blankets inside, and brought in supplies.
Alcohol, cups, phones, magazines, books, clothes, Bakugo had his laptop searching his files (they'd heard their neighbors up now, playing music now for some reason), some 3-B's who they didn't know, who never talked to them either.
"Movie or music?"
"How'bout movie, one wit'a drinkin'game?" Kasaya slugged the rest of his screwdriver and fell over inside Fort Fuck You, as Bakugo had wrote on paper and smacked on the outside of it drunkenly complaining that a fort is not proper without a name. It was held on with none other than his silver duct tape, which was now inside the fort somewhere with them.
They'd honestly went overboard with how much stuff was in there, just like kids.
"I got'one."
"What're the rules?" Kasaya was straightening out the sheets. By smashing the mattresses right up next to each other it was like one giant play space, and one giant bed also... which meant if this was anything like camping, they'd be sleeping kind of by each other.
'Ah well.' Kasaya thought. His friend had been so non-bothered by it, and he'd laid on his bed as he asked to have his 'tattoo' colored in again, that Kasaya figured maybe he shouldn't be concerned about it either, because it had kind of 'blipped up' in his head that that might be occurring, and Saya had to do a double-take in his mind just to make sure he was thinking right.
"Ery'time this guy..." The blonde pointed to the screen. "Says 'Alright' w'take one. This one." He pointed at another. "Ery'time he straightens his jacket."
To Kasaya it looked like a really bad horror flick, something so awful it never hit theaters.
Once the movie started, they quickly found themselves just taking swigs out of the vodka bottle straight, both too gone to worry about mixing new ones, except Saya let Suki have the last of the OJ to chase the vodka with since he would cough some.
Thirty mins in, a bag of cheddar pop corn was open and they were on thier stomachs crunching. Laughing. Suki had taken his shirt off complaining he was uncomfortable.
A hour along... Kasaya had said he was cold and Suki went ahead and wrapped a loose burrito wrap of blanket around them again, like a sleeping bag, except they were under all the other sheets and blankets too laying down. Somehow they were still managing swigs.
When the movie was done, the huge birthday bottle was nearly empty (Kasaya only having micro bottles left until the next care package arrives).
They'd finished it off together.
Saya grabbed for but missed the laptop three times in a row to close it. Suki was under the blanket somewhere his blonde hair was the only thing poking out.
Kasaya knew he wasn't asleep. He threw the blankets up over their heads, completely showering them in pitch black darkness, slamming down by him. He heard a grumble from the other. The navy haired one's sentence structure was a mess, equally was Katsuki's, both standing on that line, right aside each other. The one where if they fall off of it, they'd black out.
Everything in the room was darkness now that the laptop was off.
The room itself, inside the fort, wrapped up under the blankets it was like a cave. They were so close that their skin brushed, both laying on their sides facing each other.
Kasaya felt so warm under there. Katsuki's body heat was comfortable, which made him comfortable.
A conversation of whispers, like they somehow found themselves always doing, started happening where it smelled like straight liquor, smoke, citrus and popcorn.
"Wha'cha doinmnm?"
"Rest'in." Bakugo slushed. "Thinkin'."
"Hn."
"Shh. Don'say t'anyone." He licked his lips, he sounded stupid he thought. He couldn't speak right, but he didn't care. "It'z'persnal."
Kasaya readjusted his head. Bakugo's breath was falling uneven, so Saya, noticing, poked his heavy lids back open. He'd thought Suki might of been getting tired, but now he knew he wasn't.
He reached out, under the blanket put a hand up on his shoulder, he knew that they touched more now, so it would be okay, and Bakugo didn't move. "Ive'sed lot t'you. Ain't sayin'shit."
Bakugo was locking. This was his ultimate downfall.
Admitting this to someone, meant that he was exposing the rawest part of himself. The part that never matured, the part that still was secretly, quietly, maliciously making him bleed out on the inside. Hurting. Aching. Made him into the monster that he was, made him push and tug, scratch and claw, shove, that broke him down inside his head, that made his place in this world, his burden of life so heavy, that made his life an utter wreck.
Even in his drunken state he was still feeling the pricks.
The yoke he carried, lifted by Kasaya on one end, this friend under the blanket with him, who he couldn't even see it was so dark, who he somehow now thinks he 'liked', he just wanted that yoke of life to go away!
He just wanted it gone.
He didn't want them both to be carrying each other's yokes up! Because... that just shared the weight.
Heavy. Back-breaking. Hurtful.
Bakugo wanted the pain gone. Relieved.
Couldn't him and Kasaya just break them up?! Take an axe to them and chop them off themselves!
Couldn't they both... just be free?
"Y'kno when y'little, an'y'get a sudden thing that jus'snaps in y'head?" The blonde started to choke up. He hadn't expected this to come to the surface, not right now, but as the times of his happier short childhood kept popping, so did that looming giant in the darkness that ruined it all, that had cut it short with a sword.
"A realiz... ation?" Saya loosely lipped. He was rocking a bit. He felt Suki's knee come up some shifting around. Warmth. Could smell his breath. He wondered how close he was to his face.
"Yeh." Bakugo. "An, it'z'sudden. Y'never got it, before... bu'when y'get it, y'get it. Bunch'o shit pour'd in'like'that when I was'8."
"Mhm." Satoko's hand hadn't left his shoulder now, and a palm went on to his sheets and out a little. His fingertips tapped Suki's bare chest. There he was. He was pretty close. Saya somehow knew, there was something coming on him here. This was abnormal. Suki had admitted things to him, was opening up, and so had he to him, but this was... not the usual. He sounded bent. Way more skewed than usual. The alcohol must of grasped him in a different way than it did last time.
Kugo's words came out as dry spurts. "My mom an' dad... they uh, I 'member. They' were leavin' for a trip." He took in a huge breath. "My'ma, she uh..." He started to choke even more.
Saya knew he knew he didn't like 'sorrys' that much, and Satoko was not sure if he should even give it. He didn't know. He just didn't know. He'd just stayed a rock.
"I ca... I can't." The biker cut was shivering.
Saya could feel it. 'Shit.' He didn't know what to do.
Bakugo became hyper aware. Complete darkness. Kasaya pulled his knee up to slightly lay on Bakugo's knee, Bakugo did the same, moved his up a bit more, and the drunk navy-headed teen scooted closer, making their full calves touch. He hoped this was fine. If he didn't want to be touched 'that' much while speaking on bad shit, he hoped that this 'little bit more' would be good enough. "Y'told me'when I'was feelin'like shit, tha'it's jus'us."
Katsuki reached out, palm shaky in the darkness, in the small space between them.
Kasaya felt his chest heaving. What was he going to tell him? Suddenly he felt a loose grip on his hip, it was low, close-ish to where his scars were under the sweats he was wearing, and so he had a strike of instant panic in his drunk state go through him, but as a head, full of soft blonde hair in the blackness was suddenly poking Kasaya in the side of his face, Kasaya let the air out of his chest.
He wasn't concerned now, because Bakugo was... being off, but a nice 'off'. The blonde wasn't hugging, just holding. And it was warm. Kasaya liked warm.
Katsuki had had a dream of his mother, right before this had all happened, before he's decided to stay up with him. That's what woke him, it wasn't the cigarette smoke, noise, or him making drinks, twisting the cap to the vodka bottle. He'd seen her lovely face, her pushing him on a swing in a park they used to go to.
His mother. He hated her.
Bakugo needed him right now. Just him. Only him.
"Jus'between us?" He started to tear. "Don't gimme'symp...athy."
"Let'me jus'do this."
Bakugo hummed, throat bobbing up and down, his eyes were closed, but he felt a palm spread out across his back. He got frightened, his skin tightened, but instead of screaming he just simply said: "Don'hug me." A shiver.
"Won't." He knew, Bakugo was a broken man. Maybe worse than he thought.
"Don'think less of'me." Doubting the other would, but he still had to say it, just like Kasaya had asked if he could trust him with information that night they were eating General Tso's on the roof. He just kept repeating himself, this was his pain, his ache that he was getting ready to say.
Bakugo didn't refuse his touch. It was so close. The warmth that they could never grasp from another person, it was there, floating between them under the blankets, crunched up together.
Neither could hug.
Hisashi forced Kasaya into them sometimes.
Bakugo didn't want them.
But this grasping, it was... close, close enough for them both.
"It's jus'us in'the dark, yeh?" Bakugo had to be certain. He had to repeat again. Suddenly he felt immensely attached to the other, he just wanted to hear that 'yes'.
"Yeh." Saya whispered, he felt Bakugo's palm tighten around his hip, and that broad back that he had his hand across started to shutter. It caused his heart to twinge that Bakugo was feeling this way so suddenly. He never felt his heart start to ache, it never did that.
His blonde friend, he was a ravenous, angry, kicking, screaming person, who wanted to feel complete in his hate, to be fulfilled in it. And Kasaya by accepting it,, understanding it, was training him, to make him skilled enough to do what he felt he had to, to stand up a tower, to be strong and all the people to revere him as the 'best' hero, for Katsuki to shine.
But this, he had not seen. He heard that sadness in his voice when he first admitted his parents had passed, but this here... it tore him up to see him breaking down.
"Secrets'are safe'wit'me." Why he said that, he didn't know. He wanted to for some reason. Kasaya had a snap moment where he remembered bringing his hands down around his neck in the shower room, to whisper in his ear 'Let me draw it on you.' He shuttered against Bakugo's touch.
Kasaya knew, even though that shower room episode happened, he was close to him. He felt close to him, therefore Kasaya could never judge him for anything he said, as far as he knew, Bakugo hadn't judged him at all for his shit life events.
Safe.
His truth was safe. Bakugo's truth was safe.
That was it. Both recognized it on their ends without saying it to each other.
And so...
Katuski began to cry.
"Whatever'y'say..." Kasaya swallowed. Jus'us. Yes just them. Jus'us. Yes just them. Kasaya bravely spoke out. "I'll uh..." He swallowed. "Y'say one'thing, then I'll say'one thing. I'wanna..." He was actually feeling hurt, a strong wave of emotion coming over him,like Suki always did to him. "I wanna... share y'pain."
Bakugo began to choke out into the sheets. Kasaya was giving him leverage. Putting trust in him in this moment with the rest of the horrors he had experienced, that gave him strength that he could spurt out his horrors right back to him. "Stays'right'ere."
"It'will." Kasaya felt the man squeeze up against him more.
They both had their eyes closed. Breathing.
Katsuki crying, it ached Saya, it was scratching at him.
For as strong Suki made himself out to be, he was this reflection inside; a mirror, where the other image was just as skewed and screwed up as Saya's reflection.
"My'parents went'on a trip'cuz the new babies'were t'be born in'a few months." He cried. "I'was gunna'hav a lil'twin bro'an'sister." Bakugo rocked his head in the sheets. His hair soft on Kasaya's cheek.
Saya breathed heavy, pressed on his back. 'Shit. That's bad.' His family, all died in one swoop. He swallowed. It was his turn. "Ash... Ashley." He opened his eyes, pitch black under the sheets; closed them. "She uh' made me..." He began to get worked up, shivering, he felt that hand on his hip tighten, as the blonde was coughing out tears. He had to, he had said he'd share in his sorrow. If Bakugo trusted him, then... "She'made'me cut'people up."
Bakugo started getting worse, bawling.
Was it because he'd said that? Did he feel someway about that? Equally Kasaya had felt that way about that for sometime, ashamed. Sad. But, just so unable to cry.
"It'hit me'what dead'meant when I was'8. Fucked'me up. Not jus'that tho..." He felt Kasaya swallowing, and scooted a bit closer.
Saya got down to a whisper. "I..." He breathed. "Under'her I... I... I'should be'in prison." He felt Bakugo's head move, still mourning into his sheets. He'd smelled the blonde's scent in them for over a week now as he'd laid on his bed twice to get a 'coloring' of his 'tattoo', no doubt they'd smell like him for awhile more now. "I'killed." Kasaya instantly felt limp admitting that. "I'took life'away." He felt that familiar 'eyes going hot'. The tears that he knew just wouldn't fall. He was just too flat.
"As'I got'older it got'worse. More'reliaza... reliz..."
"Realizations."
"Mhm." He breathed in as deep as he could. "I'got my'ma had'been cheatin'on my'dad. My siblins'would of been halves. When I was'lil, I'd start'd seein'this guy'round a lot. He uh... he did some'things t'me."
Kasaya instantly was stiff.
What?
What things had that man done?
He was starting to get it, Bakugo had had a lot of bad things happen, and a lot of it didn't hit him until later on in his childhood that these things that had happened to either him or his family, were 'horrible', atrocious. As a child, sometimes you don't see the gravity of those things until later, come to understand them until later.
The gravity of realization.
That was Bakugo Katsuki's darkness.
Saya understood it now.
His turn. "I'member every'single one. The'faces, clear." Saya swallowed. The number of them. The large number. He began to feel incredibly hot in the face. Shakily he shook... "Th.. th.. thir." He began to feel his lips fumming in Bakugo's hair, his heart started pounded. But, he wanted to know what the man had done to him, he was starting to feel a heat pulsing in his stomach, one of anger. What had the man done? "Thirty five."
Saya was the one that squeezed Bakugo in now, just a little more, and Bakugo, crying, let it happen, adjusting his hand, letting it slide off Saya's hip to go around his lower back, he heard Katsuki make a sad groan sound among his tears.
"Th... th man... he." He started to choke. "I didn'know!" I came out as a little yelp. "Didn't kno'wha it was when'I was'4!"
"Shh." Kasaya calmed him, squeezing his back. He was just as scared right now. Unsure himself if he should go on to say more things he'd seen, was made to do. Katsuki digested his mediums rather well, but now here they were, it was the top shelf. The most worse stuff, the exposure of it to another soul. It was eating him alive. Listening to Katsuki was eating him alive.
Saya was heated, his mom must of been seeing the guy for about a year, under his dad's nose, and then he got her pregnant.
"She'left me wit'hm. To watch'me, she'd left, to'go with'her friends." He breathed, voice down to air. "He fuckin'touched'me."
Kasaya livid: "Where?"
"My... my stuff."
The navy haired one knew what the fuck he meant.
He was breathing uncontrollably. "I screamed." His head moved in the pillows, to bawl inside on them, right by Saya's face. "Bu'I'was'too'loud. So'he took'me an'made me swallow'sumthin. Dunno'wha it'was, buh'after, I was in th'hospital, an'I heard my parents'fightin'."
Saya scooted closer, and moved his hand all the way around the other's broad back now. His arm completely around him as he shivered. Kasaya was feeling an incredibly, overbearing since of swooping aggression, and the fuckin' sadness.
His eyes were... they were... getting wet?
The man fed 4-year-old Katsuki some drug, and he had been hospitalized, fuckin' realizing that later on in your god damn childhood!
Kasaya tried to calm, by telling his own. "I... she'made me... Ashley. She's'sick. She'made'me torture'em before'I killed'em." He swallowed, he had to know more about Katsuki. He wanted more. He was struggling to admit this one. "The fuckin'pain!" He sharply rose his voice, watery eyes.
Suki grasped and tugged down on him, hearing his yelp, his own teary face right into Saya's neck, he hung onto him. Clung.
"She'made me'fuckin' rape'em. All'of'em. Fuckin' dry!" He eyes shot open in the darkness, he was hot and shaking, and he felt then blonde anchor him down. A palm on his face, a hot palm, one of Katsuki Bakugo.
Kugo's heart was racing. Pounding out of his chest. "My... my'dad, I realized he'd went'out... an' he found'the guy. I saw him when'I was'4, come'in with'blood on'em. That's why'I wore'my'dad's necklace. I've worn'it since I'was 13. He'killed th'guy."
Kasaya grabbed Bakugo's palm off his cheek. Kasaya's face was twitching. "I got'a sexual'transmitted disease... It'z gone'now, but she'd'had me'rape so'many I got'blood all'over my... my..." His lips were whimpering.
"My dad'killin that'guy, I realize'later, that'was why'they were leavin'. Fuckin'gang found'em, my dad'still carin' fo'my mom'was taken her'to safety. She's th'one th'caused it'all. Fuckin'hate her! I still dream of'her in my'sleep."
Saya squeezed into him, still holding his hand, he had a reason and Bakugo hadn't shook loose. He began moving it downwards, and let go. "I... I'have t'... Y'have to feel'it t'understan."
Katsuki was so torn he felt utterly ripped, chasmed open. His crying was nonstop. But he did feel Kasaya move over a little, and he was taking clothing off, slowly, taking off his sweats.
"Saya." Bakugo knew something was up, he never took his bottoms off around him. He just called his name into the blackness.
"I... I'want't... I'll'show you, wha'she... the worse'thing... she'ever did." He felt for Bakugo's hand, and when he found it again, he swooped it up, and slowly he moved it down, his chest breathing heavy in and out. He stopped right over his inner thigh, hovering, holding his roommate's hand.
And it started.
A breakdown.
Kasaya suddenly gulped in a huge amount of air, and as he laid Bakugo's warm hand down under his boxer briefs, on his thigh... he knew the blonde would immediately feel them.
Saya shot his hands to his face. 'What the fuck?!'
He felt his diaphragm contort, his stomach leach, his throat halt, and into his hands, suddenly a spurt of tears shot out of his eyes, and a small scream erupted from his lips.
Bakugo scooted his body into him.
Instantly no space between them at all.
Bakugo felt raised indentions. He knew what they were: Scars.
Ashley had forced him to mutilate himself.
Spurts between fingers: "She... she'd... call'out 'DEPRESSION'... it' was' one'of'tha'one's she had'on me. An'she'd make'me." Ashamed he was beginning to get worse, and was beginning to get shocked as he felt Katsuki's fingers going higher, tracing them... until it hit a specific... one.
Bakugo stopped, pressed.
Then Saya, crying, felt him launch up, grab a phone, and snap on it's flashlight.
Bakugo looked vicious, bloodshot eyes from tears that were still falling.
He was vicious. Viciously angry.
THIS BITCH! What'd she fuckin' do?!
He felt like ripping her head off!
"NO!" Satoko was not okay with him seeing it in the light. He reached a hand up and the two drunk men began to struggle.
"JUST LE'ME!" Bakugo shouted.
"NO PL..." He pushed. "PLEAS..." He shoved. He was too drunk to fight too much.
The light shot around inside their blanket wrap.
But then it fell out of Bakugo's hand and landed between Kasaya's legs, where his boxer briefs had rode up from the struggle.
And he saw, that Bakugo saw.
In a frozen moment, he stared at Bakugo while Bakugo stared at his demise. The one that could have taken his life. Could of bleed him out.
Bakugo's eyes moved to gray eyes, which had been crying, and watched life suddenly spawn in them, a waterfall come to them, and start flooding down over his face. His chest shaking, his stomach too. Like a child, the man erupted into a fit of the strong moaning tears, something he'd never seen someone do. And he was speechless.
While he cried, Katsuki lifted his boxers, and saw more. Then more.
A long, ragged, wretched scar that extended from the side of his manhood, deep down his inner thigh, then even more underneath, and probably behind. Fuckin' bright red, like a lightning bolt, it was still that new.
Only a few years old.
Katsuki shut the light off, throwing his phone to the side, and still with wet eyes, launched himself on top of Kasaya, slamming his wrists down into the bed, like he'd done with the locker in the shower room, except now they were under blankets together.
His necklace around Saya's neck shuffled from the abrupt movement.
"WHAT'D SHE DO?!" He yelled.
He would have her head on a stake!
His crying was not pathetic like Deku's. It was... real. Torturous. Distraught.
And he was crying! Crying? He was crying.
Bakugo loosened his grip on wrists, but still held him down. He watched those tears rolling down those cheeks.
They were both too drunk. Both too emotional.
Katsuki leaned down, tearing up again himself. 'God damn her!' Softer in the darkness. God damn her. "Kasaya. Please."
"P... Sh... cu." Senseless babble.
Katsuki dropped the lower half of his body. His athletic shorts now into Saya's boxers.
"Please." Softer. He begged. His perp had gotten what he deserved. Saya's was still going strong. The man he liked was below him, a mess. Crying, and it shot pain all through his body to see it. Droplets of his own landed on Saya's face below him. He was crying for him.
"She'd'made'me... try'n'cut..." He wailed, this was the first time he's cried since Hisashi had smacked the shit out of him in the basement at the house breaking DEPRESSION off him.
He forgot how much... feelings hurt.
So strong and so real that they poured.
He felt the man on top him inch down, and Kasaya pushed his knees up so Bakugo's body could drunkenly rest on top him.
The blonde let go of his wrists sensing in the pitch blackness, things were settling down as Kasaya was just now mourning, the flow incessant.
"She'd made me." His throat tightened. "Tryin' cut'it'all off."
Tryin' cut'it'all off.
Bakugo dove.
Didn't care anymore.
Arms all the way around.
Under Saya's lower body.
His form fully atop the other's.
Tight.
Saya instantly grabbed him up too.
Bakugo started crying aside Saya's face, as Saya was mourning into his blonde hair.
Cheeks touching.
Bonding.
They cried together over everything that's been said between them until they were nearing tired. Their bodies had grown slack, and now they knew... they were hugging, into their own secret, endless hug. One that they'd both welcomed... in the end.
"Y'get'her." Bakugo. It was in Saya's ear. "Y'promise'me."
"I can... can't'leave here." Sobbing still.
"Get'her, or I will."
Saya nodded into Bakugo's cheek. He knew what he meant.
He'd kill her... for him. If he could get a hold of her.
"I won'let'you'be'th'killer." Saya. He moved Bakugo's face over to face him, with a tip of a finger. As if in the darkness, that movement would make Bakugo know he was as serious as having someone turn to face you in the day.
He could feel his breath on his mouth.
Their faces were wet. Hot.
"I'don'wanna'be." Suki mouthed to him in darkness. "Bu... I care."
Kasaya had a pop of electricity go through him.
He... did care.
He did.
Saya just squeezed him tighter and felt him squeeze in return.
It was so much more than a hug.
It was a full body experience.
They could feel every piece of each other.
Bakugo was starting to feel himself falling asleep, cried out, completely. He knew what he said. He was just so overcome it popped out. He'd told him he cared about him.
His head dropped down, and that was when he heard Kasaya say something surprising, wiping his face on a sheet, tears clearing.
"Y'make me..." He swallowed. "feel." Brave that was.
Heat.
Pitch black.
"Feel'wha?" Bakugo whispered. His face, it was just so close. What'd he feel? Did he feel for... him?
Kasaya was having stirring shoots of thoughts again. This body atop him, it's thumbs moved just a bit along his back.
He had a flash instance.
Elevator.
He'd felt this thing. This exact thing. He knew now what'd happened in that box at the Grand Suites.
Suki had taken another 'first' of his.
Ashley had always smacked him away.
"I'feel f'you." Kasaya held onto him. But somehow... he knew what'd he'd say back? Was that strange? He got it. The way he touched gave it away. And he was not scared. Not at all. Rather, he was... it was indescribable. His heart was racing.
This was... Katsuki. A man.
He heard Bakugo take in a deep breath. "I'kno th'feelin."
Lips were close.
Those words were air on Saya's mouth, the blonde so close that it shot butterflies through every inch of him.
He knew... he liked him.
And Saya in return knew... he felt similar.
In one smooth motion, it began happening.
Softly, both began gliding palms over and down each other's backs. Suki could feel those piercings pressing into his own nipples.
Chest breathed heavy.
Stomachs touching.
Barely clothed.
Intimacy.
Kasaya moved his knees up more, and Bakugo's lower half pressed down. He just wanted to feel every inch of him, if he'd let him. He'd gotten so mad when he'd told him that man touched him when he was little. Stark anger. It was at first that he was molested, how sick that was, but now it was also because he wanted to be the only one to touch that ivory skin.
Bakugo was on cloud nine. He fuckin' liked him back! It was over his head right now.
They wrapped their arms so strong and deep, that neither would be able to escape.
Katsuki let his lips touch the other's in the darkness. He was ready.
Saya lifted his head just millimeters.
Soft on soft.
A kiss.
Saya gently pulled him down into him.
Bakugo responded by pushing his body into his, into the bed with caress, a small nibble.
Kasaya smiled into it.
Suki smirked as he could feel the smile on his lips, and opened his mouth to deepen.
Kasaya took it. Want.
Those lips of Saya's were just so incredibly smooth. Bakugo felt insane.
Their drunk bodies shifted, hands got low.
Bakugo, overheated, overcome, moved his upper body to go to Saya's left side, bottom remaining a top him, head on pillow, never breaking the kiss.
Lips lapped. Romantic.
Saya turned his head with him, savoring every taste.
So nice the sounds from it.
It was... good. This was good.
Soon they were both slowly starting to find themselves passing out.
The kissing becoming shallow.
Both had gotten so emotionally distraught they couldn't hold consciousness together anymore, emotionally, mentally and physically wiped out.
Bakugo's lips closed and parted from Kasaya's, as they moreless just slowly stopped. Saya's too.
Asleep.
They fell under while holding each other, lips resting on lips.
Both were broken people.
But at least...
They now got to 'feel'.
To feel what it felt like to feel something good.
They'd taken each other's pain in.
And closed it with the exact shared tenderness they both needed.
The type of tenderness that can heal you.
That can foster change.