Season 11
By the time they got in the car it was clear that Sam was barely hanging on.
"Sam?" Dean asked. "You alright?"
"I uhhh..." He didn't really offer a response.
"Sammy?"
"Yeah I think I need to have an anxiety attack now..."
He had clearly been trying his hardest to fight it off until then. As soon as he said it, his breathing starting to get rapid. As much as he didn't want to admit it, Dean had been anticipating this. He knew that Sam ultimately wouldn't respond well to being near Lucifer again. He remembered how he felt when he was forced to confront Alastair, and he knew it would be a thousand times worse for Sam.
He knew Sam needed a chance to react to what they just went through, bit he also didn't want Sam passing out from panic breathing.
"Alright Sam, hey, you're ok, we got out of there, he can't hurt you." Sam gave no indication that had even heard Dean. "Hey, you're safe, you're ok, we got out of there. He can't hurt you. Hey, listen, Sammy look at me. It's ok. It's over. Come on, deep breathes. Breathe."
Slowly, Sam started to calm down. Dean grabbed his shoulders and locked eyes with him. He made a show of deep breathing himself, trying to get Sam to breathe with him. After a several minutes, Sam's breathing mostly returned to normal, and it seemed that shame took the place of fear. "I'm sorry... I"-
"No. Sam you don't have to be sorry. This is not your fault."
/
There was a little more to it, as Dean would discover over the next few days.
Upon returning to the bunker, Dean made Sam promise to leave the door open to whatever room he was in, even leaving his bedroom door open while he was sleeping. Dean was wary of a reemergence of the symptoms that Sam had fought so long and hard to move past, the symptoms that were a gift from Sam's original cage tour. He didn't expect it to get as bad as it did last time, not really, but if something did happen, he didn't want to end up cut off from Sam if he needed him. He remembered the more than one occasion when Sam was screaming through a hallucination and Dean couldn't get to him because Sam had locked the door.
Right now, Dean was grateful for his instincts and his decision.
When he walked past Sam's room on the way to the library he glanced in the doorway. Sam was curled up on the floor of his bedroom, clearly in the midst of another attack.
In an instant Dean was on kneeling on the floor beside him, desperately trying to come up with something that could help Sam. "Sam, hey. Breathe. Your safe. I'm right here. Just breathe with me ok." Dean offered his usual tirade of reassurances, the same things he always said when Sam needed it. When Sam began to calm down Dean muttered "I never should have let you see him again."
"It... it isn't just... because I saw him again." Sam said through ragged breaths.
"Then what? Come on Sam, talk to me, what's going on?"
"I... I thought..." Sam was regaining control of his breathing now, and speaking easier, but he was clearly hesitant to open up. "When the wall came down, after I figured out what was real…I still couldn't ever shake the feeling… I knew that somehow I would end up back there… It was like I knew I could never really escape." Dean wasn't sure he wanted to hear all this, but he knew he had to know what exactly was going on in Sam's head if he was to stand the slightest chance of helping him. "When I started having those visions, there was a part of me that... I thought... I thought maybe ... maybe if I went back then it would be over. It wouldn't feel like I was being pulled back anymore... But... but it didn't stop. And it still feels like no matter what I do I'll always end up back there and-"
"No, Sammy. Sammy, you never, ever have to go back there. Listen to me. I don't know what that's like, not really, not like you, but I need you to hear me on this. You will never, never go back there. Lucifer can never, ever get to you. He is stuck down there forever, and you will never go back there ever. Ever."
/
Season 13
When he finally saw her, he barely allowed himself to feel a second of relief when guilt and fear washed over him instead. He felt the weight if the empty spot beside him that should have been filled by Sam. He wasn't sure he would be able to get the words out. How was he supposed to tell his mom that she would never see her son again?
She wrapped him in a hug.
"Where's Sam?"
He couldn't respond. He could make any words get past his throat
"Dean, where is Sam?" She knew the answer. He could hear it in her voice.
"He... we were on our way here and... and he..." He couldn't bring himself to say it. He couldn't look at his mother and tell her how badly he had failed, tell her that he couldn't protect her son. Thankfully, Cas stepped in to explain it to Mary so Dean wouldn't have to.
"We were making our way here. We had to go through a tunnel that was infested with vampires. We had all lost each other in the dark and... and they swarmed him...and they killed him…we... we couldn't get to him in time. I'm sorry Mary."
That was the breaking point for Mary. After hearing it out loud so explicitly she couldn't deny any longer. Her son was dead. He had died trying to save her. She didn't say another word but she gestured for the group to follow her into the camp. Just as they were nearing the center houses, Jack spotted them and came rushing over.
He ran towards them, smile on his face, but stopped once he noticed someone was missing. He repeated the question Mary had asked. "Where's Sam?"
No one wanted to answer. Once again it fell to Cas. He led Jack away from the group and tried to come up with some way to tell him. Some way to explain.
" Jack. I'm sorry but Sam... Sam is gone... he was killed on our way here to find you." As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he had said the wrong thing. He didn't want Jack to think it was in any way his fault. The look on his face told Castiel that he was about to form just such a conclusion.
"He was coming here for me…"
"No. Jack listen to me. This was not your fault. Sam may have died trying to save you but that doesn't put any blame on you. Sam always made his own choices, and he chose to come here to save you and Mary because he valued family above all else." All of the sudden it occurred to Cas how alike Sam and Jack were, how they shared the same story. Each one feeing like a misfit. Each one believed to be destined for something evil, and neither one truly being evil. Each one struggling with power that scared them. And now, each one feeling guilty because their parent had died trying to save them.
Jack's anger and grief, as it does all too often, shifted erratically. "Couldn't you bring him back?" he turned to Gabriel. "Why didn't you bring him back?!"
Castiel wasn't sure if Jack knew who Gabriel was or if he could just sense what he was. There hadn't been any introductions upon their arrival. But if Jack had phased Gabriel in any way, Gabe didn't show it.
"I'm not strong enough."
"Jack, if we could have, we would have."
Just then an alarm sounded. Not having any idea what the alarm actually stood for, the original traveling group merged back together in the middle of the camp, waiting to see what was going to happen. With their eyes directed toward the way they came in, they saw a figure looming in the shadow of the entrance. He appeared to be dragging something. When the figure stepped out into the light, Dean had to stop himself from recoiling.
Because there, standing in the entrance, was Lucifer, dragging Sam's body behind him.
Lucifer's eyes immediately found Jack "Hello son. Your name is Jack, right?" Lucifer dropped Sam and moved in towards Jack. Mary instantly went to the body of her son, cradling him in her arms, tears streaming down her face.
Jack took a step back. "And yours is Lucifer."
That was enough to send Dean into action. "No. You don't talk to him. And you don't listen to him"
Lucifer reacted with something like ironic disbelief. "You're trying to keep me from my son?" He said. It was clear to Dean that he was trying to appeal to Jack directly. He was trying to get Jack on his side.
"Oh this- this is Kelly Kline's Son. Stay away from him." Cas advanced toward Lucifer, angel blade drawn. But Lucifer, ever the snake, reacted before the situation could escalate.
"Ok whoa whoa whoa. I thought you might need some incentive. Do you really think I would drag my old punching bag all this way for no reason? How about I bring Sammy back to life?" he extended his hand out toward where Mary was still holding Sam's lifeless form. Mary let out a choked cry when Sam was ripped out of her grasp and flung into Lucifer's. Lucifer held Sam up in one hand by the throat and placed his other hand on Sam's forehead. They heard a loud rasping inhale and Lucifer dropped Sam, now miraculously alive, to the ground.
At that moment everyone went in a different direction. Sam scrambled to stand up. His eyes darted all around as he attempted to make sense of what was going on. His eyes found Dean. He didn't say anything but his fear and confusion was evident in his face. Mary managed to catch him before he stumbled again. Gabe stepped forward, putting himself between Lucifer and Jack. Cas grabbed Dean by the shoulders to stop him from getting any nearer to Lucifer. Jack, not knowing what to make of the scene unfolding before him, shouted "Stop it!" before promptly vanishing.
"Great. He does that when he's scared. Way to go 'dad'."
"I'll go look for him." Gabriel said. He, too, seemed to want to avoid the tension between his newfound companions and his brother.
"Alright. Just don't bring him here." Cas said. "There's no reason to have him anywhere near Lucifer."
"Wait hang on." At that Lucifer became entirely indignant. "I gave Sammy an extra life. You really think I would do that for free? You all owe me; you should be thanking me." Dean could almost feel Sam internally collapsing at those words. "I will get to speak to my son."
/
After they handcuffed the devil and had the situation at least reasonably resolved, Dean noticed that Sam was nowhere to be found. He hadn't heard him walk away, and he didn't know where he might have gone. He walked around for a few minutes before spotting him behind one of the houses, sitting with his back to the wall, and apparently hiding. Dean approached him as carefully as he could, which admittedly, wasn't very, because his movements were beginning to take on the effects of exhaustion.
"Sammy? You alright?"
"Yeah I'm… I'll be ok." He replied hesitantly. He certainly doesn't sound okay, thought Dean. He pressed a little more.
"Are you sure? Because it seems like your hiding back here and I just want to make sure you're doing alright. I know today has been nuts, and you- "
"How could you let him bring me back?" The question seemed to be ripped from his mouth.
"Sammy, I- "
"Now… Him… I'm supposed to live knowing that he- "
Dean knew where this was headed and he figured he should just stop it in its tracks.
"No. Sammy, I don't care what he says and neither should you. You do not owe him anything. You will never owe him anything. He can never make up for everything he has done. Sam, you of all people should know that. He is still the devil, and no one has forgotten that."
/
Sam thought that he would feel different after the devil was killed. He thought he would feel free. But he didn't.
I should have listen to my own advice, he thought.
A while ago he told Rowena that no amount of power would change anything. That no matter what they did, Lucifer would still haunt them. He wasn't sure how or when in the last few months he had managed to convince himself otherwise. When Gabriel asked for their help in taking down Loki, Sam, deep down, hoped he could prove that taking his revenge was all he needed. If Gabriel felt better after his justice, he would too, right? That didn't seem to be the case. His early advice was proving true. No amount of power or revenge really made a difference.
When Dean found Sam sitting on the floor behind the kitchen counter, a large though mostly empty bottle of whisky beside him, he wasn't sure what to do. It was very rare for Sam to drink that much or act this way. Dean approached him gently.
"Sammy?" He asked carefully, "What are you doing?"
"He lied." Sam's speech was rather slurred and it seemed that he was trying to hold back tears.
"Sam what is going on, what are you talking about."
"Gabriel. I think he lied about Loki." Sam made to pick up the bottle again but Dean swiftly grabbed it away from him.
"Sammy come on man, this isn't you. Please tell me what you are talking about. What did Gabriel lie about?"
"He said it was different!" Sam now shouted angrily. "He said that killing Loki changed everything! But it doesn't change anything!" Dean should have known. He should have known.
He should have known that all this wasn't going to be easy. Sam had been forced, again, to interact with Lucifer. Had been forced to fight alongside him and let him into their lives. That alone should have been, by all rights, more than a person could handle. But even now, that itself didn't seem to be what was bothering Sam.
"Sam, listen to me. He is gone. Lucifer is gone and he cannot hurt you. I know I have said this before, and I know it seems like every time we think we are rid of him we aren't. But this time is different. We saw Michael kill him with our own eyes. He's gone Sammy."
"I know. I KNOW! And that why I can't… I can't… He's gone, and it supposed to be over but it isn't. I needed to believe that something would be different. But it's not and there's nothing left to do and now I'm just… I'm still going to be so afraid for the rest of my life."
That was the piece Dean needed to put this all together, not that he didn't understand most of it already. Sam had spent so much time being afraid of Lucifer, and it had only gotten worse over the last few years. He knew that when Gabriel asked for their help in defeating Loki, Sam jumped at the chance to prove that taking his revenge would mean something. When Gabriel told Sam that revenge had worked, it had only mounted on Sam's false hopes. And now Sam was paying the price of having that hope squashed.
"I can't just be like this forever. I can't keep being afraid." Shakily, his eyes met Dean's. This might have been the most drunk Dean had ever seen his brother. "I thought something would change."
"I know Sam. Come on, let's get you to your room alright? Your gonna sleep this is off for now and"-
"No. I don't want to sleep; he'll still be there. I can't"
"I know little brother but you've gotta sleep. Come on."
Dean managed to get Sam to his feet but he leaned heavily against his brother. The whole way to his room he mumbled about Lucifer and the cage and Gabriel's lies. Dean couldn't make out much but a word here or there. He finally got them both to Sam's room, laid Sam down on his bed, and shut off the light. Just as he was closing the door behind him, Sam still muttering incoherently but at least in his bed, Mary walked by.
"Dean? What's going on, is Sam okay? He disappeared earlier, after we got back. I wasn't sure if something was wrong."
"Yes," He lied. "Sam is alright. He uhhh… he just had a few too many, that's all."
"Oh," Her look of concern didn't change. "Well, that isn't like him. Are you sure he- "
"He'll be alright, mom. He just needs some time. Why don't we go see how everyone is settling in?" They left down the hallway together.
/
Over the next few days, Dean observed Sam more carefully than usual. Sam gave no indication that he even remembered all that happened that night, but Dean was convinced he remembered. He'd proven before that excessive amounts of alcohol wasn't enough to wipe his memory of such conversations. Though he had tried to keep focused on other things, Dean couldn't help but continue to wonder and worry about what Sam had said that night. He knew that Sam wasn't in a good place right now, despite the fact that they had finally beaten Lucifer. It was going to take more than that, and it was going to take Sam longer, to move on.
Dean knew from his own experiences that the ingrained fear Sam had been suffering from wouldn't just disappear once the threat itself as gone. That fear had been too much a part of his brother for too long. He doesn't remember, Dean found himself thinking. He doesn't remember how to be unafraid.
This train of thought lent itself to another. What Sam said was unnervingly true in a way Dean hadn't realized until the next day. Even though everything had changed, nothing had really changed. In the last several years there had been more than one world altering event. And yet, even now after they had defeated what had once been their greatest enemy, the world just kept being what it always was. They were still hunters, there were still hunts. And so, he couldn't help but wonder the same thing Sam had.
Will it never be over?