Mary spent the next few nights in Peter's bed. She offered to stay on the sofa – Remus even offered up his bed, but Peter shook his head and smiled that reassuring, good-natured smile. He kept her supplied with biscuits and fun pajamas and a shoulder to cry on, although after the first night she kept the crying to a minimum. Remus tried to help, too, offering hugs and plying her with questions that made her sigh and rub her temples.
"I don't want to talk about it, Remus," she insisted, extinguishing the remains of a joint and rising from the sofa to go to bed. "The only person I want to talk to is Black, and he'd rather split up than talk."
Remus retracted his hands into the baggy sleeves of his jumper. "Nah. He doesn't want to split up. He's just… Well, he's being his usual grumpy arsehole self. He'll come around."
"We'll get James to talk to him. He's the best at cutting through Padfoot's surly bullshit," Peter added. "But you can stay as long as you like. The sofa's not half bad, and you're even better at cleaning than Moony is." His face softened, his marijuana-glazed eyes crinkling as he smiled. "And we like having you here."
"Thanks, Peter." Mary trudged upstairs and curled up in Peter's bed, longing for the familiar warmth of Sirius's arms around her.
The following night, they gathered at Marlene's flat to get ready for Lily's hen party. Mary had convinced Lily it was a good idea – partly because Lily hadn't properly relaxed since her parents died, and partly because an evening of heavy drinking without the boys appealed to Mary more than she wanted to admit. James had insisted they take Polyjuice as a precaution, so Lily had brewed a batch and taken a few hairs from the Order's stash. They poured out glasses of the gloppy potion and tossed it back, washing it down with tequila shots.
"I wonder if Black would think I'm more or less attractive like this," Mary mused, scrutinizing her reflection in the mirror. She ran a hand through her smooth hair, but frowned as she turned around. "Lil, couldn't you have chosen me someone who actually has an arse?"
Lily rolled her eyes and admired her own reflection. "The descriptions just say things like 'Blonde female, 30.' It offers no information on the roundness of the person's arse. Besides…" She raised her eyebrows and fixed Mary with a piercing look. "I thought you didn't care what Sirius thinks."
Mary poured herself another tequila shot and downed it, grimacing as the liquid burned her throat. "I don't. I just like making him regret his stupid fucking behavior, but that's going to be difficult if I have less arse than your fiancé."
Lily rolled her eyes. "He has a lovely arse. Besides, we're not even going to see the boys tonight."
Mary ignored her, turning to Marlene and scowling. "No fair – you have a great arse. Want to swap?"
Marlene smirked and shook her head. "Nope. You get what you get and you don't get upset. But you can borrow a dress – I think I have something that might work."
They did another round of tequila shots before they left the flat, and more when they got to the pub. Marlene made friends with a couple of middle-aged men at the bar, and when Alice showed up, she and Lily bonded over wedding talk, but Mary stared moodily into her pint glass. She lit a cigarette for something to do, and she laughed and nodded when anyone spoke to her, but her heart wasn't in it. She was considering taking the Knight Bus to wait for Sirius at the flat when Lily emerged from the loo, smirking and shoving something back into her purse.
"Let's go to another place," she suggested, a false note of innocence in her voice. "This is getting a bit boring, don't you think?"
Marlene laughed and tossed back the last of her wine. "You want to meet up with the boys, don't you? God, you and James are hopeless, but it might be fun."
"Is that alright, Mary?" Lily's smile faltered as she touched Mary's shoulder. "You don't have to talk to Sirius…"
Mary swallowed back the leap of hope that had filled her chest at the thought of seeing Sirius. "It's fine. It's your hen do, Lily. It's not about me and my stupid fucking problems with Black. Besides, if he annoys me I'll just throw a drink in his face."
She led the way out of the pub before anyone could question her further.
When they reached the next pub, Mary recognized Sirius even in his Polyjuiced form. He was a short, ginger man, but he wore a leather jacket and combat boots, and his haughty, relaxed posture was pure Sirius.
"Look at you, Black. I'm not sure you can pull off the leather jacket as a ginger."
He scowled and shot back some snarky retort, but his words washed over her. The tequila dulled her hurt and anger, but it heightened her desire, and she couldn't stop wondering what it would be like to kiss Sirius when he was in this unfamiliar body.
Lily and James drifted off to the bar, and a muscular blonde man plunked a drink on the table in front of Mary. She tilted her head, frowning.
"Don't ogle Peter like that, Macdonald." Sirius nudged her and gestured at the muscular man, who now wore Peter's telltale sheepish smile.
"Oh, fuck off. If you're going to be an arsehole, I can ogle whoever I want."
He shrugged. "Knock yourself out. I doubt you'll be doing more than looking, seeing as you'll have a hard time pulling anyone." He peered over her shoulder and gave a disapproving shake of his head. "You have the flattest arse I've ever seen. Hardly any tits, either."
"Well, you're a short ginger. I doubt anyone's going to be clamoring to tear that jacket off you."
He sipped his beer, smirking at her over the top of the glass. There was a tiny layer of foam left behind on his upper lip, and it was driving her mad.
"I've got quite a big knob for a short bloke, though," Sirius said, his infuriating smirk taking on a taunting note. "I'll show you, if you don't believe me."
She gulped down a mouthful of her drink, hoping more alcohol would conceal just how tempting his obnoxious offer was.
"Of course that would be the first thing you check when you take Polyjuice," she said, rolling her eyes.
"Why wouldn't I? I've got to see what I'm working with."
She drank down another swallow and injected as much disdain into her expression as she could muster after five tequila shots. "Sod off, Black. I'm still furious at you – I'm not going to look at what's in your trousers."
"Suit yourself." There was a flicker of something in his eyes that Mary suspected – hoped – was disappointment. Then he grinned and flung an arm around Marlene. "Maybe Marlene wants to see. At least she has tits and an arse."
Marlene batted his hand away playfully. "I'm not getting in the middle. Unless you're both inviting me to bed, in which case, I'm happy to get in the middle."
Mary glanced sideways at Sirius; he raised his eyebrows and slid closer.
"How many tequila shots did you do?" His breath was warm against her ear, and his voice was all wrong, but it was him underneath the strange cadence. She felt her resolve crumbling.
"None of your fucking business."
He grinned, reaching out to toy with a lock of her hair. She leaned into his touch for a moment, then pulled away, heat flooding her face.
"Not enough, obviously." He slipped past her, maneuvering around people until he reached the bar.
"He misses you," Peter said, leaning across the table. "Talk to him. Maybe it will be easier when you both look different."
"Maybe." Mary watched Sirius over her shoulder for a moment, then jerked her head away and shoved back the rush of emotions. She took a stealthy sip from her flask of Polyjuice – at least, she hoped it was a stealthy sip, although none of her movements seemed particularly stealthy at this point in the evening – then touched Peter's shoulder.
"You should shag someone tonight."
He laughed. "Mary–"
"You should. What's stopping you? There are some good-looking girls in here…" She scanned the pub, ignoring his muttered protests.
"That girl in the pink dress has been staring at him," Remus said in a conspiratorial whisper.
"Good. Peter, you'd better go talk to her, or I'll do it for you."
She felt a tap on her shoulder, and turned to see Sirius holding two tequila shots.
"Come on," he muttered, nodding at the wall by the bathrooms. "It's less crowded over there."
He pressed a hand to her lower back and guided her through the throng of people. The light contact sent currents of sensation up her spine, and she stumbled, spilling a few drops of tequila onto the sticky floor. When they reached the wall, Sirius clinked his glass against hers and tossed it back. She followed suit, closing her eyes as the liquid burned her throat. He's an arsehole, she told herself, a dysfunctional mantra of sorts. Don't snog him until he talks about his fucking feelings. He's a short ginger with a stupid little mustache. Don't snog him.
"How's it been staying with Wormtail and Moony?" Sirius leaned against the wall, inclining his head to speak over the thump of the music and the clack of pool balls. "Has Pete lent you some of his stupid pajamas?"
The last tequila shot was already coating her brain in a soft, fuzzy glow. That one was a mistake, she told herself. You should go back to the table before you do something stupid. She didn't move.
"He did, actually. They're quite comfortable, and I don't think I look half bad in them."
The pub lights reflected in his eyes, illuminating a glaze of desire. "I bet you look great in them. I bet Pete didn't know how to handle it."
She shifted closer. He smelled the same – like cigarettes and leather and a hint of woodsy cologne. "Don't have a go at Peter. He's been very nice to me, which is more than I can say for you."
His lips twitched up into a smile as he rested his hand on her waist. She gave him a reproachful look, but he didn't pull away.
"You're one to talk. You left me with no company but my hand and a bottle of Ogden's."
She laughed, and her breath stirred little pieces of his hair. "Getting drunk and having a wank is your favorite way to spend an evening."
"No." He stepped closer and twined his other hand in her long, straight hair. "I'd rather spend the evening with you."
She felt an invisible pull, drawing her to him like a magnet. He was shorter than usual, and his stomach was pudgy instead of taught, and his hair tickled her face in a slightly different way, but this made it all more exciting somehow.
"Stop trying to seduce me," she whispered, her lips inches from his ear. "It's not working."
He pressed his lips to her neck, sending a shiver through her body. "Liar."
They looked at each other for a moment, his close-set blue eyes locked onto her face. Her chest heaved, and his heart pounded beneath her fingers. Don't snog him, she reminded herself, but he was already leaning forward and covering her mouth with his. He had different lips, different hands, a different tongue, but he tasted like Sirius, and the grip of his fingers felt like Sirius, and his hoarse moans were so familiar that they elicited a moan in return. They fumbled at each other's clothing, pressing against the wall and knocking over an abandoned drink and drawing laughs and leering comments from a table of drunk men beside them.
"You make me so fucking angry," she whispered, her hands sliding beneath his waistband. "You're a stubborn arsehole."
"And you're a nagging bitch." He gasped as she gripped him, momentarily lost for words.
"Fuck you."
"Please do." He pulled her through the door of the men's room, locking it behind them.
It smelled like piss and stale beer and urinal cakes, but Mary took deep, gasping breaths as Sirius pulled her down onto the floor. He tugged up her dress and she unfastened his trousers, her fingers clumsy in her desperation. The flask slipped from her purse, splattering onto the floor and splashing up into her hair, but Sirius laughed and pushed the sopping strands out of her face.
"I missed you," he whispered, his fingers digging into her bare thighs. "I missed you so fucking much."
"I missed you too." She tore off his shirt and trailed kisses along his chest. When he entered her, she gasped and dug her fingernails into his shoulders. He hadn't been exaggerating earlier, she noted with satisfaction, and she let her reservations evaporate as she moved with him. Someone shouted and pounded on the door, but Sirius and Mary only moaned and sighed louder to drown out the sound.
"Come back to the flat," Sirius gasped between thrusts. "Please."
A faint warning flickered at the back of Mary's mind, calling to her through the haze of pleasure. "Why?" Her question became a gasp as he moved deeper.
"I need you, Macdonald." His voice was hoarse, laced with desire and vulnerability. "I…" The rest of his sentence was lost as he tipped over the precipice. He moaned against her neck and pulsed inside her, and Mary heaved a sigh of satisfaction. They were in the wrong bodies, lying on a disgusting bathroom floor, and she was now covered in Polyjuice potion and worse, but she hadn't been this happy in days.
"Fuck," she breathed, reaching up to wipe sweat from his forehead. "God, I missed that. I missed you."
Sirius rolled off of her and picked up his pants. "We should have Polyjuiced sex more often. It was bloody weird, but I didn't hate it."
She lay there, unwilling to move and break the alcohol-tinged spell. "Black…"
His hand appeared in front of her face. "Come on. Let's get back out there before the bloke out there breaks down the door."
She didn't take his hand. "We should talk."
He laughed, wriggling into his trousers. "I can't spend another minute in this fucking loo – it smells worse than Dung."
"Well, let's leave and go back to the flat," she insisted. Now that the heat was fading from her cheeks and there was an unpleasant wetness trickling between her legs, her reservations came rushing back. "We have to sort everything out."
He shook his head, then tugged his t-shirt on and shrugged into his jacket. "Nah. I can't leave the stag party – it wouldn't be fair to James. And I already told you the other night – I'm not fucking talking. Just because I shagged you doesn't mean I'm going to open up or whatever the fuck it is you want me to do."
The air rushed out of her as if he had punched her in the stomach. "Fucking hell, Black. You get off, and all of a sudden you want nothing to do with me?"
He threw his hands up in exasperation. "Don't be so fucking dramatic. Just because I don't want to talk doesn't mean I want nothing to do with you. Let's go back out there, and I'll get us more drinks."
"I don't want more drinks." She cast around for her dress and yanked it over her head. It caught on her earring, and she had to pry it free. "I want to work this out."
He sighed and pulled on his boots. "Give it a rest, Macdonald. I like 'shagging in the loo Macdonald,' not 'let's talk about our feelings Macdonald.'"
She jammed her feet into her shoes and stood up. "This was a mistake. I make stupid fucking decisions when I drink tequila. If I had been sober, I would've remembered what a selfish fucking arsehole you are."
She stomped out of the bathroom and hurried over to the table. Her friends looked at her, concern and alarm creasing their faces. Tears burned her eyes, but she wiped them away as she struggled into her jacket. Her arm caught in the sleeve, but Peter reached over and helped her into it. She didn't dare speak for a moment, afraid the simple gesture of kindness would make lose her last shreds of self control.
"I'm leaving," she choked out, slinging her purse over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Lil, but I've got to get away from that arsehole, and I spilled the rest of my Polyjuice on the floor of the loo."
"I thought you'd made up," Peter said.
"Yes, well, I should've kept snogging him instead of letting him open his big fat mouth." She pushed a strand of hair out of her face, frowning at the clumpy liquid that dripped from the ends. "Lily, can Polyjuice Potion damage your hair?"
"Er, I dunno."
"I'm sure it's fine." Mary wiped her hands on her trousers and patted Peter's shoulder. "Please shag that Muggle girl in the pink dress. I'll be disappointed if you don't."
She stumbled out of the pub, shivering as the winter air hit her face. A crack in the sidewalk made her lurch forward, but a hand grabbed the back of her jacket to steady her.
"You should do an anti-trip charm on those," Marlene said, looking down at Mary's high heels. "I don't even bother wearing heels without one anymore."
"These do have an anti-trip charm." Mary leaned against the side of the building and rubbed her eyes. She felt mascara smear across her cheek, but that was the least of her problems now. "But if you do enough tequila shots, even an anti-trip charm can't save you."
Marlene chuckled and took Mary's arm. "I've been there. Come on, we'll go back to mine. I have snacks, and wine, if you feel like making even more poor decisions."
"I do." She pushed her Polyjuice-soaked hair out of her face and sighed. "God, I'm a mess."
The door swung open, emitting Lily and a blast of warm air.
"Oh, God, I've ruined your night, Lily." Mary rested her face in her hands, feeling more tears spill from her eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be silly – I've had a great night." Lily took her other arm and began to steer them along the sidewalk. "Let's get going, though. I'm bloody freezing."
When they returned to the flat, pink-cheeked and numb from the cold, Marlene poured them all generous glasses of wine and put on some music. Mary sat on the floor with her back propped against the coffee table, gulping down her wine while Marlene and Lily discussed the more successful points of the night and tried to steer the conversation toward Sirius. Finally, after a joint and another glass of wine, Mary slid down onto the shag rug and heaved an enormous sigh.
"I feel so bloody stupid. I shagged him in the loo – it was disgusting in there – and once he was done he just wanted to go out and get another drink like everything was normal – like I haven't spent the last five nights with Peter and Remus – like we didn't get into a huge row because we never bloody talk about anything!"
Marlene wrinkled her nose. "You shagged him in the men's room? Who was on top?"
Lily giggled, then pressed her hand over her mouth. "Marlene, I don't think that–"
"He was on top!" Mary pushed herself upright, squinting as the room spun. "Selfish prick left me to lay with my bare arse on that filthy floor. It's not even my favorite position!"
"I can't believe you did it in a bathroom." Marlene sipped her wine and shook her head.
"Don't look at me like that – it's no dirtier than Dung's bed, probably," Mary shot back. She reached for her wine, but found the glass empty.
"That's not the first loo they've shagged in," Lily said, smirking. "They've done it in the prefects' bathroom, in Slughorn's loo during his Christmas party, once even the tiny loo on the Knight Bus–"
Marlene choked on a mouthful of wine. "No!"
"It's true." Mary tried to smile, but her lips weren't cooperating. "We were thrown off the bus – apparently shagging isn't allowed in the beds or in the loo." She twirled her empty wine glass in her hand, gazing down into the ring of purple congealed at the bottom. "I fucking love him. And we don't talk about our feelings or hold hands or any of that sentimental bollocks, but I thought he felt the same way about me. But now…" She watched a tear splash down into the empty wine glass, mingling with the dregs of the wine. "I don't think he does."
Lily leaned over and touched her arm. "You know that's rubbish, right? He loves you so much it scares him. You know how he is – he doesn't know how to handle his feelings. And he's dealing with… well, the same things all of us are dealing with, I suppose."
"I just wish he'd bloody talk to me! I want to help – and I need him. I feel like I'm dealing with all of this alone half the time, and it's too much. I can't fucking do it." The shag rug itched under her bare leg, and the empty wine glass taunted her. "I need another drink."
"I don't think–" Lily began, but Mary was already leaning sideways to grab the wine bottle. She dribbled a few blood red drops onto the coffee table as she poured the rest of the bottle into her wine glass and took a large sip.
"I'm so sorry for ruining your night, Lily." More tears fell. She blinked them away, aware of how pathetic she must look, but it was no use. The tequila and wine and marijuana swirled in her head, stirring up all the emotions she had spent months repressing. She took another sip of wine, slopping some onto her dress. God, if Black could see me now.
"You didn't ruin my night." Lily got to her feet and reached for Mary's hand.
Mary frowned. "Where are we going?"
"We're going to wash the Polyjuice Potion out of your hair. And I think you've had enough wine."
She made a grab for Mary's wine glass, but Mary drank it down in one gulp. "Never tell a drunk person you're going to take their drink, Lil. Haven't you hung around Black enough to know that?"
Marlene's laughter washed over Mary as Lily pulled her to her feet. They made their way to the bathroom, bumping against the kitchen table and knocking into the wall. Warm steam filled the bathroom when Lily turned on the tap, and Mary closed her eyes and allowed Lily to wash the dried potion from her hair. It was nice to have someone play with her hair; for a moment she pretended it was Sirius.
"I am happy for you," she murmured when Lily turned off the tap and wrapped Mary's dripping hair in a towel. "For you and James. I'm a shit friend and made tonight about me, but I am so bloody happy for you."
Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around her. Her hair smelled smokey from the pub, and her bony shoulder dug into Mary's chest, but she clung to her, grateful for the comfort of physical closeness.
"I know. You're not a shit friend." Lily pulled away and looked at Mary, her face earnest and her eyes slightly unfocused. "You and Sirius are going to work it out. I know you are. You're too good together not to."
A shiver of doubt rippled through Mary as a strand of hair pulled loose from her towel and dripped water onto her dress. "I hope so." She heaved herself up from the edge of the tub, and when the room blurred, she realized she was crying again.
Lily took the couch, while Marlene offered to share her bed with Mary. Mary stripped off her dress, stumbling several times before she managed to pull it over her head. It stank of smoke and liquor and worse, and she was glad for the soft, cool cotton of Marlene's old Holyhead Harpies t-shirt.
"Is this Dung's shirt?" she asked, slipping between the sheets.
Marlene laughed and flicked off the lights. "Does it smell like it belongs to Dung? Besides, do you really think he's a Harpies supporter?"
"Maybe just for their, er, aesthetics." Mary sank into the mattress and rolled toward Marlene, giggling. "You have a waterbed?"
"Yeah, isn't it great? Dumbledore has one too, apparently – don't ask me how I know that."
Mary laughed, but then it turned to a sob as she imagined how Sirius would react to sleeping on a waterbed. "Fuck. Sorry."
"It's gonna be okay, love. He's an idiot, but he loves you." Marlene smoothed a strand of damp, tousled hair back from Mary's face, then leaned forward to kiss her forehead. Her lips were warm and dry, and Mary caught a whiff of her strong, musky perfume. Without thinking, she pressed her face against Marlene's chest and sobbed against her thin pajama top.
"It's gonna be okay," Marlene repeated. She pulled Mary close and rubbed her back. The kind gesture only made Mary cry harder. "He loves you. He wants to be with you. He just has his own darkness to deal with."
Mary turned these words over and over in her head as she fell asleep in Marlene's arms, enveloped by the water bed and tucked under the fluffy down duvet.