The muggle house is warded, or charmed, or something James doesn't know. He can't leave the building, not through a door or window or even breaking a wall down by swinging progressively heavier chairs at it for three hours.

The man is clearly another Black, he looks so much like Sirius.

"I am Sirius," Black explains, sitting across the room at the dining table because James screams at him when he gets too close.

James is curled up on the furthest end of the couch, knees tucked up and shoulders hunched. "Fuck you."

"I'm an older Sirius," Black continues with all the force of an obnoxious Sirius trying to force an argument he knows he's going to win only out of sheer stubbornness. "You're dead, because Peter betrayed you."

"Peter's dead because you betrayed me," James snaps back.

"Actually, let me start from the beginning," Black dismisses. "Okay, so there was a prophecy and you went into hiding…"

"Does Harry like Transfiguration?" James asks, eyes wide and leaning forward, now sitting across from Black at the table. "What class does he like?"

"I'm-" Black cuts himself off, looking exhausted. "Okay, I love Harry too but listen when I'm explaining how Voldemort resurrected himself."

"Why do I care about a war? I'm already dead by then," James scoffs. "How cute is Harry? Because my baby boy must be very cute."

Black takes a deep breath and just lets it be. "Harry is very cute – he does that thing you do when you tilt your head and your hair flops over."

James coos, reaching out to the air like he's squishing someone's face.

"So Voldemort resurrects in Harry's forth year-"

"Does he win?" James demands.

"What – does Voldemort win-?"

"No, does Harry win the Triwizard Tournament?"

"James," Black groans. "Jamie please, please can you focus right now? This is important. You need to listen. I can tell you everything about Harry later, okay?"

"Okay," James sighs theatrically and then side-eyes Black. "Fine. I just…you know, as his godfather I thought you'd be a little more inclined-"

"I'm trying to stop you from dying!" Black snaps. "You are going to live until you're fucking three hundred, James! You're going to have all the cute babies you want and Voldemort is going to be dead and not hunting your bloody son so focus!"

James purses his lips and looks away, bored.

Black grits his teeth. "Yes, Harry wins. When he grabs the trophy is portkeys him to Voldemort – which is why you need to listen."

James sits up straight. "Well why didn't you lead with that?"

"Merlin's ballsack - James, I'm going to slap you-"

James smashes the plate over Black's head and dives for his pocket when the man is still tumbling. Nothing. There's no wand.

"What did you do to my wand!?" James cries in outrage.

Black crash tackles him to the floor and James spits out curses as he struggles but honestly, his Sirius can take James any day so fighting one who's larger and heavier with auror training wasn't the best idea.

James is standing in the kitchen, breathing heavily and about to throw a tantrum because it's been days since he was kidnapped and Black looks so similar, acts so familiar that it would be so easy to just pretend.

Black stands opposite James, his hands out soothingly. "Harry was a seeker, you know. Even better at flying than you."

"It doesn't help," James chokes out, eyes burning as they turn shiny with tears. "However many stories you have - it doesn't make me forget Peter is dead. That you killed him."

"Peter is-" Black cuts himself off with a grimace. "Come on, Jamie, don't cry. I hate it when you cry. Please be angry again."

James sniffles. "I want to leave. You told me the story, now I want to leave."

"Soon," Black reassures softly. "Soon, okay?"

"You liar," James mumbles. "Siri uses that voice when he lies to me."

Black says nothing.

"Are you ever letting me go?" James demands.

"I'm…debating hiding you away somewhere safe," Black answers honestly. "But then, you know, I'd have to bring Remi along too and that's taking some planning."

James starts crying. He's getting really sick of crying.

"What are we doing?" Sirius hisses as Remus drags him down into the shrieking shack. "Is something wrong with Moony?"

"I put a tracking spell on James, a bit after the first attempt," Remus says, dropping Sirius' arm to cross his own. "I - because the other more common spells aren't working."

Sirius looks around. "So you'll cast it in here?"

"I don't know if I should," Remus mutters. "It's…a bad one."

"Dark Magic?" Sirius scoffs dismissively. "Show me the spell, I'll do it."

"It is Dark but that's not the problem," Remus dismisses. "It's strong enough to get around most warding but it was made to hunt down run-away brides…and it's going to hurt James."

"Do it," Sirius says immediately because Merlin knows no one else is doing anything worthwhile. James' parents are losing their minds at their son being snatched away and the aurors are back to investigate – only a few days after they left the Forbidden Forest and being just as useless.

Remus only frowns.

"Hurt how?" Sirius gives in. "Like when he stubbed his toe once and complained for the next three days?"

Remus shrugs. "More like when a bludger broke his shoulder blade and he passed out, so you had to catch him mid-air and then ran him to the hospital wing in a panic."

Sirius still remembers James screaming. "That's…fine."

Remus raises an eyebrow.

Sirius tries again, with more hollow confidence. "That's fine. James is a big boy, he can take it. Do the spell, find him a couple minutes, stop the tracking, go get him. Easy."

"The counter curse needs to be applied to the person," Remus explains. "So it's going to hurt until we get to him. And it's Dark Magic so we can't exactly just leave it to the aurors to go, it would have to be us, and we don't know how to apparate. And what if there's are strong enough wards to keep us out regardless?"

Sirius sighs. "Okay, that's plan K."

"We're already on plan J," Remus reminds him.

"Remi, why you always gotta rain on my parade?"

James is lying on the couch, head tipped so far back he's staring at Black upside down. "Hey, remember that time I caught you jerking off in third year and you were doing it wrong?"

Black is standing hunched over a map spread over the dining table, jaw clenched, hands flat on the table otherwise he'd strangle James.

"Hey," James drawls, propping up one knee and flinging the other leg over casually. "Remember that time you kissed McLaggen and he threw up on you and then you got the stomach bug as well?"

"James," Black begins.

"Hey," James chuckles. "Remember-"

"James, I don't like hitting kids but by Merlin I'm going to enjoy punching you in the fucking face," Black grits out. "I forgot how annoying you could be."

James hums smugly. "Hey, remember when-"

Black lurches around the table and James throws himself off the couch, sprinting upstairs where he grabs the small bookcase prepared earlier and shoves it down the stairs at Black, who catches it with a grunt.

James panics and flings himself off the step and lands on the slanted bookcase, all three of them tumbling down together.

Unfortunately, Sirius has always known how to take a hit and James ends up being the one with the sprained wrist – which Black pettily refuses to fix.

That's fine, James has always been vindictive so the pain just fuels him.