Chapter 18

Blair quietly raised the heavy comforter, extracting herself from its warmth. It was barely six in the morning, but she hadn't gotten more than a few hours of sleep. She'd kept her distance from Chuck all evening, but she could feel his eyes trained on her when she would hug Louis or when he would lean in for a quick kiss. She was so aware of him, and, for some reason, she felt guilty for showing Louis any affection in front of Chuck. It felt like some strange form of betrayal, like a weird type of infidelity. She wasn't doing anything wrong by allowing her fiance's hands to caress her arms, but it still felt wrong. It felt like a big metaphorical middle finger to Chuck - to their past and to their progress. It caused her chest to clench tightly every time her eyes caught sight of him, so she'd made it a point to avoid him as much as possible.

Despite her best efforts, though, she couldn't help noticing the way he'd patiently lavished Cora with all of the attention that the little girl desired. They laughed and played for hours, and she found herself feeling a little left out. There was an invisible tugging pulling at her all afternoon to join them, to splash and giggle and be the family that Cora desired. It had taken a discernible amount of self-control to keep her attention focused on Louis, and when three quarters of the NJBC chose to stay up late for drinks around the fire pit, she offered the weak excuse that she was too tired to join them.

She had to admit to herself that Chuck wasn't the father she had expected. She had known for years that he would be a committed and present father, but watching him with Cora was different somehow. It was more natural and genuine than she could've fathomed. Nothing their daughter threw at him seemed to faze him, and he wasn't afraid to ask for help or reassurance from Blair. He was entirely vulnerable in his approach to parenting, recognizing his own inexperience and limited knowledge. She found it endearing the way he would ask her questions about how to soothe Cora's fears and anxieties, and she almost stopped breathing the first time she witnessed him implement her suggestions. He listened to her - he listened to Cora with so much reverence and patience - and he did everything he could to live up to both of their expectations.

She wrapped a heavy robe she found in the guest bathroom around her shoulders and headed down the stairs to the kitchen. A cup of coffee, the soft ocean breeze, and the glow of the late summer sunrise would surely help settle her overactive mind. She relaxed into the oversized cushions of the patio couch, closing her eyes for just a moment, letting the sounds of the waves and the smell of the salt air soothe her senses. Her life was complicated, but it was full. She had true friends in Serena and Nate, a doting fiance, a beautiful daughter, and…Chuck. She wasn't sure how to describe his position in her life, but over the past few weeks, she'd come to the conclusion that she was glad he was there.

A sudden warmth spread over her as a shadow blocked the overhead light shining behind her. She opened her eyes and peered over her shoulder to find the subject of her thoughts leaning casually against the frame to the opened french doors. His raspy morning voice still sent a chill down her spine. "You looked so peaceful. I didn't want to disturb you."

She offered him a soft smile, "I couldn't sleep."

"You always did enjoy the peace and quiet out here," he lowered his gaze, letting his mind briefly remember their summer of love in the Hamptons. He cleared his throat and turned toward the house, feeling like his presence was an unwelcome intrusion at that moment.

"Stay," she gestured toward the kitchen, "I made coffee. It seems to be our thing."

"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. "I don't want to impose -"

"Please, I could use the escape from my own thoughts."

He nodded and excused himself to fill a cup before rejoining her on the couch. He was careful to leave enough space between their bodies, but he angled himself toward her so that he could see her expression. "What's plaguing your thoughts?"

She remained quiet, staring into the distance, contemplating opening up to him. "It's…" she sighed, "It's not important."

"Hey," he said softly, willing her to look at him, "It's just me here, Blair. You don't have to talk to me, but you can."

She looked up at him and knew that it was true - she could always talk to him. She'd never been able to confide in anyone else as easily, not even Serena. She laughed aloud and said, "It's just so awkward, you know?"

"What is?"

"All of this." She gestured back and forth from his body to hers, as if the answer rested in the empty space between them.

"You and me?" His face fell at her admission because he genuinely felt that they'd made progress over the past few months. "Blair -"

"No, not you and me," she responded quietly. "Not just us anyway. More, you, me, Louis, and Cora. I don't know how to make it work."

Chuck pursed his lips together and nodded, "Yes, you do. You invited me here this weekend because you want to make this work for Cora. You didn't worry about it being uncomfortable or awkward because you keep her at the center of every decision you make."

Despite all of his faults, Chuck always knew what to say to her when her mind got the best of her. She knew that she hadn't explained herself very well, and, yet, he still managed to calm her anxiety. She gave him a soft smile reflecting her gratitude, and said, "When it's you and me - our coffee dates - it's so natural. Nothing about us has ever been easy, but we just…" she trailed off for a moment, aware of his eyes softening as he took in the meaning behind her words, "We just know each other so well that sometimes I forget how mad at you I still am. I'm stuck in this strange limbo of anger and relief."

Chuck raised his coffee to his lips, giving himself a moment to process Blair's admission. Her words were still a little jumbled, giving away the battle that currently had a hold on her thoughts. He could understand why the entire situation was confusing for Blair; she was just as much a victim of his poor choices as Cora, and she'd given him grace that he didn't deserve. He hated that she didn't seem to see her own strength. She'd always been strong, but there was a different kind of power that she held now, like motherhood had amplified the core traits that made her who she is. "That's understandable, Blair," he rasped out, "It's only been a few months, and this situation is anything but normal. I hurt you so deeply that I wouldn't be surprised if you always harbor some resentment toward me. You can be angry and still make a conscious choice to move forward."

"Our history…"

"Is in the past. That's not us anymore, Blair, as much as I wish it was -" He stopped and silence fell between them. He hadn't meant to admit that aloud, but he didn't really regret it. She deserved to know that he regretted every single decision he made from the moment he struck that asinine deal with Jack to his cowardly resolve to disappear and change his name. His entire head was plagued with ifs - if he had sacrificed that godforsaken hotel, if he had said the right words, if he had stayed, if he had thought about her instead of himself for one fucking minute - everything would be different. He shook his head, his brows furrowing together as he tried to ignore the question hidden behind Blair's large eyes, "I messed up everything good in my life, but you've been so gracious to let me have Cora. She's brought back meaning to my life that I thought I lost six years ago. Do I wish things were different? That we had all of the things we dreamed about years ago? Of course I do because that was the happiest I have ever been, but I just couldn't see it. I couldn't see past my father's version of who I was supposed to be. But all of that's on me, Blair. I don't want you to carry the burden that our past puts on our present situation. I brought that on us, so it's my cross to bear. Not yours."

She swallowed and looked away, toward the rustling branches of the trees as the morning breeze traveled in from the ocean. Her hair swept over her shoulder, hiding her face from him, and she was grateful that he couldn't see the tears shining in her eyes. She didn't look at him when she spoke, "It's not a burden, Chuck. I could never describe what we had with that word. Our past is complicated, yes, but it's ours. It gave us Cora." He tentatively reached out, still a little wary of initiating any type of physical contact, and gently brushed her hair behind her ear because he desperately needed to see her as she spoke the words that slowly stitched a few of the broken fragments of his heart back together. "I think about it sometimes. What it would be like if you'd been here all along. It's like torturing myself because it's impossible, but those thoughts are still there. A family with you…" She stopped talking, unable or unwilling to finish her thought, he wasn't sure, but he could read between the lines. She'd wanted that to be her future as much as he had, but then he had crushed every dream that she'd once believed he could bring to fruition.

He dropped his hand from the spot where it had lingered against her neck and spoke the words that they were both thinking, "But then I destroyed it, and here we are, with this as our reality."

"It's weird, Chuck," she lowered her voice, preparing for a confession that she never intended on making, "You've been gone for six years; I've been with Louis for over four of those years, and yet -" She saw him flinch, and she realized that it must be strange for him to be around the two of them together. "I felt guilty yesterday."

"What could you possibly have to feel guilty about, Blair? Louis can deal with my presence; he has to know that I'm not a threat -"

"No, Chuck," she sighed audibly, "Why does it feel like I'm betraying you when I kiss my fiance? You were watching us; I could feel it."

"You barely acknowledged me yesterday -" The pain that he felt then was etched into his voice, and Blair's guilt grew stronger with that knowledge.

"I was avoiding you. I couldn't reconcile the guilt I felt, like I was somehow letting you down. I'm sorry."

His mouth was dry, his shoulders tense as his grip tightened on his coffee mug. How was he supposed to respond to that? He didn't even really understand why she was telling him this, or what exactly she meant by it. "It's just the confusion of having us all here together. It's uncomfortable and unfamiliar, so it feels odd for you to be…intimate with him when I'm around. It doesn't mean anything." His voice was husky and probably a little harsher than he intended.

She forced a smile and nodded a little too enthusiastically, "You're probably right."

Chuck exhaled slowly, setting the cup on the coaster in front of him. "I want you to do something for me, Blair."

"What's that?"

"Tell me about Louis - your relationship with him, his relationship with Cora, the wedding…" he swallowed hard as his chest tightened with those words, "If he's going to be Cora's step-father, I want to know more…"

"Chuck -" Blair bit her lip.

"I know that it's awkward, but, like you said, a lot of this is uncomfortable. I just need to hear it from you; I need to know what all of this is going to look like. Blair, I -" he stopped, unsure of what he was trying to say. "Sometimes it feels like you and I are…" No, that wasn't what he wanted to say. He quickly cleared his throat, "I need to know that you and Cora are well taken care of. That you're both his first priority."

"He's good to me - to us," she said quietly, turning her body in the opposite direction, as if facing him would make her feel too vulnerable, too raw, and too unsure of herself, "He believes in me; he helps me. He loves me, and he loves Cora. I rejected him many times after…you left. For a long time, I couldn't see myself ever getting into another relationship, but he was patient. He never pushed me. I fell in love with him slowly; it wasn't passionate and volatile, like…" she laughed humorlessly, "He's proven himself. With him, it's light and simple. He makes me happy. He's…he's always been there for us."

Chuck could hear the unspoken accusation in her words - loving him had been anything but simple; he couldn't make Blair happy, and in the end, when it really mattered, he wasn't there. Louis was the better man in every sense of the word. "I'm -"

Chuck didn't get to finish because a pair of soft hands wrapped around his neck, startling him from his thoughts. He inhaled deeply in an attempt to wash away the emotions lodged in his throat and turned toward the owner of the hands now resting on his shoulders. "Cora," he greeted, pulling her into his lap. "You're up early."

"I missed you," she snuggled into his lap, "Can we go to the beach today?"

"Actually, I have different plans for us," he smiled, "That is, if it's okay with your Mommy?"

Cora looked to Blair pleadingly, and she immediately nodded, her heart melting at the little girl's excitement to spend time with her father. "Of course it's okay. Go get ready for breakfast first, though." Cora leaned over and kissed her mother on the cheek before bounding back up the stairs.

"Would you like to come with us?" Chuck asked hopefully. He was growing fond of the time he spent with Blair and Cora together, but he didn't like the tension that radiated from Louis every time he was around.

"I would, but Louis and I already made plans for today," she looked regretful, and she wasn't sure why she felt like there was a rock resting in the pit of her stomach. She should be happy for the alone time with her fiance, but instead it felt more like an obligation than anything. "Where are you taking her?"

He looked a little sheepish when he answered, "There's a wildlife refuge about half an hour from here. They offer horseback riding up to the butterfly gardens. They aren't usually open at this time of year, but I pulled some strings. I thought Cora would like it."

"Oh, Chuck," Blair's mouth opened before her lips formed into a soft smile. Cora had recently confided in Chuck that besides her love of butterflies, horses were her favorite animal. She'd called them majestic, and he'd responded that they were still no match for her beauty. "She'll love that. I couldn't think of anything that's more Cora." She was suddenly overwhelmed with emotions, and she felt her heart clench that she wouldn't be there to witness Cora's reaction. "Take lots of pictures for me? Maybe a video or two?"

"Of course," he nodded.

XOXO

"Oh, my gosh!" Cora squealed, clasping her hands together in excitement, "Daddy! Thank you, thank you!" She jumped into his arms with such intensity that she nearly toppled him to the ground.

"Which one do you want to ride?"

"I get to pick any of them?" She smiled brightly.

"Whichever one you want."

She admired each of the animals before pointing toward an ebony-coated horse in the farthest stable. "That one…" she decided quietly, "She reminds me of Black Beauty."

Once they were safely mounted on their horses, they rode in companionable silence down the winding trail. It was a beautiful, cloudless day with temperatures in the low 70s and an abundance of warm sunshine raining down on them without the typical oppressive heat of these late summer days. The trail was filled with wildflowers of purples, blues, and yellows and lush oak trees lined the path; it was too early for the autumn foliage but the tips of the green leaves were just starting to redden. Chuck could almost envision the vibrant scarlet and orange colors painting the landscape, and he vowed to return with Cora in October to see what was certain to be a breathtaking view.

Chuck watched Cora shift into the role of the perfect little equestrian, and he couldn't help but see a tiny Blair in the way she gently yet firmly directed the horse. His mind pondered how a pair of riding breeches might outline the curve of Blair's hips, and he shook his head before his thoughts drifted into dangerous territory. "This isn't your first time on a horse?"

"No," she answered, "Mommy and Louis used to let me ride at the royal stables in Monaco."

His stomach twisted into a knot, and he unwittingly clenched his thighs around his horse, causing it to buck forward at his unintentional command. He cursed under his breath and pulled gently on the reins to once again slow the horse. When he returned to a casual pace beside Cora, he said, "It must be pretty neat staying in a palace, huh?"

"It's okay," she muttered with no more enthusiasm than if he'd asked how school was going, "It's pretty, I guess, but it's kind of boring because I'm the only little girl."

"But your Mommy and Louis are there, so it's kind of like a family vacation."

"Louis is not my daddy," she snapped sternly.

"I didn't say he was, sweetheart, but -"

"I love Louis," she admitted quietly, "But he's not you. I don't want him to try to take your place. I don't want Mommy to get married."

Chuck sighed because, if he was honest, he felt the same way. "Cora, listen to me. Louis makes your Mommy happy; she deserves to be happy. This way you have even more people who love you. Louis won't replace me, I promise."

"You could make Mommy happy, I know it."

He exhaled, trying his best not to take his own self-inflicted frustration out on the little girl. She was right; he could've made Blair happy if he hadn't been so selfish, but now it was too late. "Mommy is happy. That's what we have to focus on now, okay? Can you do that for me? Can you be happy that Mommy's happy?"

She nodded slowly, but it wasn't very convincing. "What about you, Daddy? Are you happy?"

"I am happy, now that I have you. You're everything to me; you're all I need." She seemed satisfied with that answer, and Chuck was relieved when that particular conversation ended.

When they reached the expansive gardens, Chuck helped Cora down from the saddle and left the caretakers to tend to the horses. He led her by the hand through a small gate on one end of a white-picket fence. She gasped once they stepped foot into the large garden, releasing his hands and running off to chase butterflies by the dozens. She held her arms out and spun in a circle, childlike laughter echoing off the trees. Chuck's heart swelled in his chest, and he thought that this must be one of the layers of heaven, bliss in its purest form. "Don't touch them," he warned gently. "Look, but don't touch. They're fragile."

A while later, Chuck laid out a large blanket he'd stolen from the van der Woodsen estate and set out a picnic lunch. Cora bit into a sandwich and giggled when a large Monarch butterfly landed on her upper lip. "That tickles."

"I think they like you. They can sense how sweet you are." He reached out and pushed her curls over her shoulder so they didn't get stuck in the condiments layered inside her sandwich.

"He's trying to get in my tummy."

Chuck laughed aloud, "No, I don't think that's what it's doing."

"Uh huh," Cora disagreed, "I heard Mommy tell Aunt Serena that she still has butterflies in her stomach, so they must like it there."

Chuck coughed, sputtering his sparkling water all over his pants. Blair has butterflies? She still has butterflies for Louis. Of course, they're engaged, after all. "That's not what that means."

She scrunched her nose in confusion, "Then what does it mean?"

He considered her question carefully and said, "Having butterflies in your stomach is just an expression. It's not literal; there aren't actually butterflies in there. It just means that you're nervous or excited about something; you feel like there's something in your stomach, fluttering."

"Have you ever had butterflies in your stomach?"

"Yes, I have," his eyes glazed over a little as he recalled the conversation on the patio at Blair's seventeenth birthday party. His butterflies never really went away.

"When?" She asked, her eyes glowing with curiosity.

He swallowed hard, blinking away the memories. He couldn't tell Cora the truth; it would only fuel her fantasies. "Um, when I was getting ready to meet you for the first time. I had a ton of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. Now, I still get butterflies whenever I get to see you because I'm so excited."

She rolled her eyes playfully, "You're so silly, Daddy."

"It's true. You make me very happy, Cora."

"I love you, Daddy," she climbed into his lap, nuzzling her head against his chest. "This was the best day ever."

"I love you, too, sweetheart." And he wasn't lying to her, a million tiny wings flapped against his abdomen as he snuggled closer to his daughter. If he never found anyone else, if he never had another relationship, she was enough. "Here," he pulled out his phone, "Your Mommy wants some pictures."

XOXO

Blair inhaled sharply, her heart beating hard against her chest when she opened her messages to find a dozen pictures of Cora and a few of Chuck and Cora together. Her daughter twirled among wildflowers with butterflies flying all around her; she sat atop a horse smiling brilliantly for the camera. She was perched on Chuck's shoulders with her arms high above her head while he grinned up at her, pride beaming in his eyes. Each of the photos were genuinely beautiful, but the candid snapshots that showcased the pure joy that Cora was experiencing were her favorites.

Her phone buzzed one more time as a different photo appeared on the screen. It was a picture of just Chuck sitting with his elbows resting on his knees as he stared out into the garden. The caption read: Cora insisted that I send this one to you. She took it, and she was proud of her photography skills. It was followed by an eyeroll emoji, and she could almost see the sheepish look on Chuck's face when sending her a photo of himself. She studied his expression - his face was softer and the lines of his jaw and around his mouth were more relaxed. He was different from the man she'd encountered a few months ago; Cora had brought him back to life. He looked like her Chuck again; the one that previously he'd only allowed her to see in their most intimate moments. Now he shared that version of himself freely with their daughter. She tapped out a quick response: Looks like you all had a wonderful time. Tell Cora I love her photo. She added a purple heart after the text for good measure.

She felt the cushion next to her sink down, and she turned to find Louis sitting next to her. He reached out pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, the same way Chuck had done earlier that morning. She shuddered, but it wasn't from his touch. "Blair, we need to talk."

"What about?" she asked absently, still thinking about the pictures of Cora and Chuck.

"I have to go to Monaco tonight -"

Her eyebrows furrowed and her mouth fell open, "But -"

"I know it's not optimal timing, but there's some kind of emergency with Beatrice. I'll know more when I get there, but before I leave, I would like us to set a date for the wedding."

"Louis -" she protested.

"Blair, we've been together for a long time. Reporters will be all over me when I return to Monaco without you. Just a date. It'll be enough to appease them until I return."

She thought about what he asked. Was it really that hard to settle on a date? Somehow having an actual date would make it feel more real, more certain. But shouldn't she be certain anyway? There really wasn't any valid reason not to be. "Okay, let's set a date."

XOXO

When Chuck and Cora entered the residence later that evening, Serena immediately grabbed his arm and pulled him into the kitchen, yelling over her shoulder for Cora to go say hi to her mother. She pulled four shot glasses down from the cabinet and proceeded to pour premium liquor into each of them. Chuck watched her with a mixture of horror and amusement before asking, "What are you doing?"

"We're going out tonight." She said, handing him one of the shots. She clinked their glasses together, and they both downed the biting liquid. She quickly refilled their glasses and lined them up with the other two.

"We?" he asked.

"Us, the four of us," she nodded emphatically. "The NJBC."

"Serena -" he growled in warning.

"C'mon, Chuck," she whined, "It's been so long since the four of us have hung out together, just having fun. Stop being a stick in the mud. Mom already agreed to watch Cora."

He couldn't keep the grimace off his face, when he asked the most obvious question, "What about Louis?"

She winked at him, making him itch to throw something in her direction. The scowl fell from his face, however, when she answered, "He left a few hours ago. It's just us."

"And Blair actually agreed to this?" He raised his eyebrows skeptically.

"No," she smiled wider, "But she will."

XOXO

It had taken some convincing, but Blair reluctantly agreed to accompany her oldest friends for a night out. She didn't allow herself time to question her decision to leave her massive canary yellow engagement ring in the safe at the Hamptons house. Serena had assured her that the club they were going to was dark and intimate - a place where she could just be Blair, not Eleanor Waldorf's daughter or Prince Louis's fiance. Serena promised that the chances of anyone recognizing her were slim to none, and she was so tired of constantly being followed by paparazzi that she gave in. She wanted to be reminded of who she was before motherhood, before the international magazines started reporting her every move. She wanted to be herself without owing anyone anything. Unapologetically Blair - someone she hadn't really had the chance to be in a long time.

She pulled on the black Zhivago mini-dress encrusted with golden beadwork she'd purchased in June. At the time, she wasn't sure why she was drawn to it, but, now, looking at it with fresh eyes, she saw the subtle resemblance to the design of her prom dress. It was daring and sexy - words she hadn't associated with herself since before Cora's birth. The hem hit her mid-thigh, and though it had long sleeves to cover her arms from the night chill, the deep plunge of the neckline emphasized her round breasts. She paired it with gold Tom Ford padlock heeled sandals and accessorized with gold dangling earrings. She pulled her curls into a ponytail and smeared her lips with Gucci Rouge lipstick in cranberry scarlet.

She descended the stairs carefully, holding on to the banisters smooth curve as she made her way to the foyer. It was nearing eleven, the hour at which she was normally snuggling into bed, not just leaving the house for a night of partying. When she hit the landing, she found herself staring down at Chuck. He must've been the first ready because Serena and Nate were nowhere in sight.

There was nothing subtle about the way his eyes traveled the length of her legs, resting momentarily on her heaving chest, before finding her face. She could see the warmth blazing behind his dark eyes, and she wondered if that was still his most obvious tell of desire. He reached out a hand, helping her down the last few steps. "Wow, Blair," his voice was thick and gravelly.

"Really?" She beamed at him, accepting the compliment instead of playing it off. It felt good, and she saw no reason why she should reject his words of affirmation.

"Uh, yeah," he smirked, his eyelids growing hooded, "You look incredible."

"Thanks," she said shyly. Looking down, she noticed that their hands were still clasped together. Reluctantly she pulled her hand from his, making a show of double checking her clutch for her phone and wallet.

"Hot damn, B," Serena's voice carried from the second floor.

"I think I should be the one saying that to you," she observed, as Serena bounded down the stairs in a bright blue slip dress that made her legs look a mile long.

Nate wrapped his arm around Serena's waist, placing a kiss against her cheek. "You both look stunning," he said, "Are we all ready?"

"Just about," Serena reached out for the same shot glasses from earlier and handed each of the friends a glass, "To old times; to the NJBC."

They all threw back the shots with a laugh, waiting for Arthur to pull around the front so that they could all pile into the back of the limo. Unwilling to wait until they made it to the club, Serena instructed Chuck to pop the bottle of champagne that she had snatched from Cece's cabinet. When Blair brought the flute to her lips, a tiny bit of the bubbly liquid dribbled onto her exposed clavicle, and Chuck was mesmerized as he watched the droplet slowly trail down her collar bone until it disappeared into her impressive cleavage. He averted his gaze, reminding himself to pace himself with the amount of alcohol he consumed. He needed a clear mind to keep from making some dangerous mistakes. He knew from experience that the more intoxicated Blair became, the more likely she was to lose her inhibitions.

He couldn't afford to let that happen, so he left his champagne flute dangling between his fingers, hoping no one called him out on his intentional sobriety.

A/N: I'm so overwhelmed with the response that this story has received so far. Your reviews give me life, and honestly, they're the reason I keep writing. It's been a rough 2022 for me so far for a number of reasons, but every time I get a notification with a review, it makes me smile. Thank you for being a light during some of the tougher days. Please know that my updates may be more infrequent for a bit, but I will not abandon this story. It's my baby, and I have every intention of seeing it through.