Sirius and Remus are sitting on James' bed, all of them in their matching pyjamas (that Sirius bought as a joke, but the design is really comfortable so they unironically wear it a lot) and sharing snacks while the other two Gryffindor's sleep away outside the silenced curtains. James and Remus sit up by the headboard while Sirius splays out over their legs.

"So how long are you keeping this up for?" Sirius asks.

James tilts his head. "Oh, you mean the acting? I was just going to slowly ease back into myself – shouldn't be too hard, it was basically all cosmetic stuff anyway." He laughs. "Shit, I still can't believe her friends talked to me more when I sat like you, how rubbish is that?"

Sirius flicks the chocolate peanuts around. "So this is legit then? You'll keep dating her?"

Remus gives Sirius a frown from behind James' shoulder.

"Uh, duh! She's my wife," James smirks. "Harry doesn't know when I proposed – I'm thinking graduation. We could do a whole thing for it."

"Are you dating Lily because you think you should?"

There's a heartbeat and then Remus takes a breath. "Did you two finish that potions essay-"

"What do you mean?" James asks in confusion. "Like because everyone else is dating?"

"Because you want to have Harry again," Sirius states.

"Sirius," Remus says firmly.

"What?" Sirius snaps back, sitting up and making the snacks roll around. "Tell him, tell him what you told me before – about how he's never going to be able to have Harry."

James looks to Remus, eyes wide.

Remus sighs. "It's…the chances of having the exact same baby, at the right time with the same looks and everything is so miniscule. There are -what- three trillion sperm every time, and different eggs each month, and…so even if you marry Evans and have a baby it's never going to be Harry. It's essentially impossible now that all this time travel has happened."

Sirius gestures to Remus. "There, James. No need to keep trying so hard. Harry is strong – he's an adult, he's older than you. I'm sure he'd love to meet his mum but that's not Lily – not this Lily."

"I can never have Harry?" James says quietly.

"You already have him," Sirius argues. "And you'll have lots of other kids like you've always wanted, I'm just saying you don't need to try so hard and pretend to like Lily for Harry's sake."

"I like her for my sake!" James retorts. "I've always liked her-"

"You like how she's a challenge," Remus cuts in. "Everyone loves you and you crave it, so when someone doesn't like you, suddenly you have such incredible interest in them."

"That's pretty fucking rude, Remus," James snaps, sitting up straight, tucking his legs up. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about but I'd like to go to sleep now, get off my bed."

"You hated Lily at the start," Remus points out. "Her and Snape, and then puberty happened and you realised what a girl was – and wasn't it so interesting making them love you in this new, exciting way?"

"Get off my bed, you asshole!" James yells, scrambling to his knees and shoving at Remus.

Sirius grabs James by the sleeve and drags him down. "You know it's bloody well true! You're an arrogant son of a bitch because no one ever tells you no, so you think it's so funny when Lily rejects you! You said that, you said it's funny, we bet on how long it'd take for you to make her fall in love with you!"

"That was years ago!" James kicks out when Remus grabs his legs, the candy going everywhere as James thrashes as the two pin him down. "Maybe I've grown up! Maybe I'm the only fucking person here who's realised people change!"

"You little-" Sirius snarls, one hand gripping James' wrist, the other shoving the side of James' face down into the mattress hard enough that his glasses are digging into his face painfully. "Here I am, trying to help you and all you can see is Lily!"

"Let go!" James screams, his free hand clawing at the hand shoving his head down, still trying to yank his legs out from under Remus.

"You promised we'd be for life, James!" Sirius yells. "What do you think that fucking means? You think you can run off with the first girl you get a crush on?"

Remus surges forward and shoves Sirius off balance. "Shut up, you moron! You think now is really the time?"

James scrambles off the bed, falling out from under the curtain and staggering back to his feet. Sirius yanks open the curtains and goes for a low tackle around the legs but James leaps over him and slams the door open, running up the stairs. "Har-!"

Remus grabs him by the back of the shirt and yanks him back, James choking on his collar and falling into Remus' chest where he's then grabbed in a bearhug and shoved down onto his knees, Remus folding over his back and forcing James to bow forward, sitting on his heels and forehead scant centimetres from the ground.

James throws his head back but Remus turns away to avoid a broken nose and tightens his arms around James.

"James," Remus tries with badly hidden panic. "Jamie, I'm sorry, I should have stopped that before it got too far."

"Go fuck yourself," James wheezes, being crushed with Remus on top of him. "Harry," he gasps but he can't get enough air to make it a proper scream. His hands claw at Remus' forearms.

Sirius steps out of the dorm room, wand in hand, and casts a silencing charm. "Drag him back in."

"The other two will wake up if they haven't already," Remus retorts.

"Fuck you," James coughs. "What are you going to do, huh? We're in a fucking school."

"Put him in the chamber of secrets," Sirius says.

Remus darts a glare up at Sirius. "No. We just need to calm him down."

"I'm plenty calm," James snaps. "You're lucky I don't turn into Prongs and spear you through the fucking chest! Let go of me. I want Peter!"

"Peter is dead," Sirius snaps. "And Harry isn't even your real son so I don't know why you're running off to him for."

James is facing the floor so Remus and Sirius only realise he's crying when James' breath hitches and he doesn't quite manage to swallow down a high-pitched whine.

"Oh, Jamie," Remus sighs, sitting back and pulling James with him. "I'm sorry, that was too much. It's okay, don't cry."

But James has started now and he doesn't know how to stop. Soon he's bawling, twisting around to hug Remus around the shoulders for comfort.

"Okay," Remus hums, rubbing James' back. "I'm sorry, it's okay."

James tries to tell Remus that he's an asshole but James is crying too hard to talk. He does manage to flip off Sirius though.

Sirius sighs and takes a seat on the stairs next to them, petting James' fluffy hair. "Sorry. I could have done that better."

"H-hate you," James sobs.

"We'll make it up to you," Sirius croons, leaning in and hugging James from the side. "Remus will get you all the snacks you could want from the kitchen and I'll be a good dog and fetch you whatever you want."

"N-no, fuck yo-ou," James hiccups, rubbing his tears off on Remus' sleeping shirt.

.

A/N: Okay but the science of going back in time and changing things but still expecting the same baby to pop up has always upset me. That shit don't work that way.

And I'm sure everyone saw the relationship tags but here we go. It might stay background one-sided pining because I think that's hilarious but also I'd just like to say once more there's no plot – I don't know what's going to happen.

Happy new year~