Mac found herself thinking of Chibs more often over the next few days.
Even Tara was tuned in to her friend's internal debates.
"Mac." she called, grinning when her friend didn't answer.
"Mac!" Tara yelled. Mac jumped, hissing at the sting in her still healing leg.
Tara giggled.
"What?" Mac asked. "Sorry, I was thinking hard."
"You want berries in these?" Tara asked, motioning in the pancakes on the stove. Mac nodded and smiled.
"Injury still hurts then?" Tara asked. Mac's fingers were now probing to make sure she hadn't torn anything.
"Chibs did a good job stitching you up."
"He did." Mac replied, nodding absently.
Tara grinned knowingly, but didn't say anything more.
—
Another few days passed peacefully - the Sons busy with something that neither of them really wanted to know about - until Mac's phone rang one afternoon, Tara's name on the screen.
When she answered, Tara's voice was tense - she was speaking quickly, obviously worked up about something.
"Kenzie, oh my god, you won't believe this." she said. "Jax's wife, well, sort of his ex-wife, I guess, was rushed in today, OD'ed on smack. Tracks all over her hands and feet. But Mac, she was pregnant. With Jax's son! We had to do a c-section - the kid is ten week premature, with serious long-term birth defects, and his chances of survival aren't great. But god, Mac, Jax has a fucking child."
"Oh, Tara." Mac said, blown away. "Jesus."
"I'm about to go into surgery for the kid - they've named him Abel." Tara continued. "It's going to be touch and go at best. And I was the one who had to tell Jax everything. Mac, he wouldn't even go and see his son! His son!"
"Hold on." Mac said. "Deep breaths, Tara. Everyone has their own way of dealing with trauma. Leave Jax out of it for now. Focus on saving that innocent kid. You are strong and capable, and you're going to be the badass doctor I know you are, and save that child. He deserves a long and healthy life, no matter who is parents are. You've got this."
Mac felt her words settle over the phone line, listening as Tara took a deep breath.
"Okay." Tara said. "Okay, Mac, you're right."
Another deep breath.
"Abel deserves a chance at life. I would try to save him even with a gun to my head."
Mac made a noise of affirmation.
"You got this, Tara." she said, again.
"I do. Shit, alright, I gotta go."
"Good luck, hun."
"Thanks, Mac." Tara said. "And Kenzie? You really are a wonderful friend."
Mac was smiling by the time she hung up.
But just as soon as she shut the phone, her prepaid rang. The smile dropped off of her face as she read the Caller ID.
"Shit timing, Tommy." she mumbled, but flipped it open anyways.
"Ello, old friend." she said, adopting a much thicker English accent than she normally had.
Tommy like it, and she wanted to keep him happy. He was one of her weapons suppliers, and, more importantly, made sure to aim good jobs her way.
"Kennie!" Tommy greeted.
"What can I do for you?"
"Two things." Tommy said. "First, your shipment is a few days out. It'll be disguised as normal."
Mac smiled, pleased.
"Second, a job. Next week, a little north of you. Quick and clean."
"Who's the target?" Mac asked.
Tommy sighed.
"Not a good guy. I'll send you everything, but he'll pass your discerning eye."
Mac stayed quiet.
"Good money." Tommy added.
But Mac didn't need the money at all. Jobs were worth more than most people made in a year. No, she wouldn't do this for the money. She would do this because - as Mac remindered herself now - this was what she did. And this was another bad guy who didn't deserve to live anymore.
Trade him for Abel.
"Send me the info, Tommy." Mac said. "I'll check it out, but if it's as you say, we're a go."
"Good girl." Tommy replied, and hung up.
—
Since the job wasn't scheduled for several days, Mac allowed Tara to talk her in another clubhouse party.
Mac rather thought that Tara was secretly in Chibs' side, especially given the way that her friend had pushed for Mac to dress up.
"Kenzie, is that really what you're wearing?" Tara asked. Mac looked up in surprise. She had on what she always had on - jeans, boots, and a shirt. In concession to the party, she'd worn a nicer long-sleeve, but that was it.
"Yes?" she replied, confused.
"Come on." Tara said. "Go sexier."
Mac snorted.
"Why?" she asked. "There's no one to dress up for."
"Not Chibs?" Tara asked, a knowing smile playing on her face.
"I'm not supposed to be encouraging the man, Tara!"
"No, seriously, Kenzie. What's the problem?"
Mac sighed.
"I can't - and don't - want to explain it. Besides, I hardly have control of the current situation."
Tara knew that her friend kept secrets, and that Mac wasn't likely to share any of them until she was good and ready. But Tara also thought that Mac deserved happiness, deserved a chance with Chibs that she wasn't likely to give him without a little help.
"Are you sure?" Tara asked. "I mean, are you sure that - whatever it is - it really is enough to keep you apart? I mean, a dead man would see the chemistry between you two."
Mac didn't reply. The truth was that the scales had been shifting on her, slowly. What had once seemed so important was now much diminished.
"Even if it is," Tara continued, "what's so wrong with having some fun? The man is a flirt, Kenzie. You want control? Dress up, roll with it, tease him, have some fun! You already have the control, you just have to take advantage of it."
Mac could easily see Tara's suggestion devolving into a game of chicken - they would flirt and tease until one of them snapped, and then god knew what would happen. But her screaming internal voice was strangely silent.
"Alright." she said, embracing her terrible decision. "Let's do it."
An hour later, Tara smacked Mac's hand away as she fidgeted with the vee of her shirt. It was one piece of fabric, with a deep v and a daring back, black and covered with a net of stones.
"Stop it." Tara said.
Mac just huffed.
"Come on, friend of mine." Tara said. "Time to have some fun."
—
Chibs hadn't seen Mac since her injury.
But he had heard a rumor that she and Tara would be at the clubhouse tonight, so he'd planted himself on a couch, keeping vigil over the door.
And Christ, was it worth it.
She was wearing some shirt he hadn't yet seen, black and somehow sparkling, tucked into her normal tight jeans and heeled boots.
Heeled boots.
Oh god.
But it was the shirt that really got to him, with it's matching deep vees on the front and back, making Chibs want to put a blindfold over every other pair of eyes in the room, quite a few of whom had looked over when Mac and Tara had walked in.
He was hard, too, forcing himself to cross his legs as he watched them work their way towards the bar, laughing and sparkling and looking much too full of life to belong in the seedy, smoke-filled clubhouse.
Chibs stood up and followed them over.
"What can I get you, ladies?" Half-Sack, manning bar, asked the girls. They'd just tossed back the first round when Chibs swaggered up.
"Evenin', ladies." he said, noting Mac's smile.
"Chibs!" Tara said. "How are you?"
"Well enough."
They kept Half-Sack busy pouring, waiting for the liquor to sink in, laughing and talking about nothing of importance.
There was a large crash behind them, interrupting their conversation, and they all turned to see Tig pushing over a side table, having just lost at pool to Opie. Opie and Jax were off to the side, roaring with laughter.
"Wanna play?" Chibs asked Mac, looking between the now empty pool table and the women beside him.
"Absolutely, she does!" Tara answered for her.
Mac laughed.
"I don't know." she said. "I can't promise an ending as spectacular as Tig."
Jax and Opie snickered some more, and Mac found herself in a pool cue in her hand as Chibs racked the balls.
Tig, loss softened in the interest of this new match, watched with interest alongside Opie and Jax.
Mac sighed.
The guys were good at pool, for sure. But Mac had honed her skills the hard way - losing lots of money in military bars. She rather thought Chibs might be surprised.
"Prepared to lose, Chibs?" she asked, smirking.
"I don' think it'll be so easy, luv'." he replied, smirking. "But ladies first, all the same."
"Careful." Mac said. "If I break, you won't need that cue."
Tig snorted.
"You sure talk a big game." he said, but Mac just shrugged.
I did warn them.
Chibs slid the rack off the balls, and Mac leaned over to break.
It was over in five minutes. The break was perfect, and she sank solid after solid, the audience around her growing wilder and wilder with each shot.
On the last shot, she had the eight ball lined up on a corner to corner shot. Difficult, but not impossible. Chibs was standing right behind her as she lined it up. Mac turned to him, holding out her cue.
"Blow for luck?" she asked him, the words heavy with innuendo. Chibs didn't reply.
She shrugged, and blew it herself. But with Chibs right behind her, she made a show of leaning over the table and lining up the shot. She waiting until Chibs groaned behind her before releasing the cue.
When the ball went in, Jax, Opie, and Tig went wild. Mac stepped back, setting aside her cue. Chibs was right where she'd left him, laughing and clapping along with his brothers, but with something hungry in his eyes.
"You weren't kidding!" Tig said.
Mac shrugged.
"I did spend a good half of my life hanging around military bars." she said, laughing. "I told you not to let me break."
"Fair enough." Chibs said. "I need a drink after that."
They made their way to the bar, where Chibs poured them all whisky.
"To the most one-sided game of pool in the history of the club." he said, holding up his glass. The guys cheered, drinking deeply.
He watched her carefully, bantering with his brothers. There was a new lightness in her eyes, or at least an absense of darkness. And her eyes on him were almost cat-like, satisfied and controlled.
They traded nothing more than glances as the night passed, progressively more dirty. The satisfaction in her eyes had gone dark and foreign, and Chibs wondered if he'd somehow underestimated what Mac would be like in bed. Or the shower. Or against a wall.
Fuck.
He was hard. Again.
—
Mac had a few days after the party to prepare for her upcoming job.
She was leaving tomorrow, and it would be - if everything went okay - a quick trip. Tara, at the hospital for a night shift, had left Mac alone for dinner, so she ate while reading through the last of Tommy's due diligence, duffle already packed and waiting in her room.
If she hadn't been blasting rock while doing the dishes, she would've hear Chibs come through the open screen door.
As it was, she caught sight of him out of the corner of her eyes as she turned away from the sink, holding a plate. Her gun was out and the safety off before the plate had shattered against the tile.
"Woah, woah lass!"
Chibs' hands flew into the air.
"Bloody hell, Chibs!" Mac groaned, heart racing. "Give a girl some warning."
"Do ya always eat armed? Chibs asked.
"I almost blew your head off, you prick." Mac growled. "Didn't hear you at all over the music."
"Classic rock, eh?" he asked, as Mac toggled off the radio.
"Something wrong with that?"
Chibs chuckled.
"Only that Gaelic rock is far superior."
Mac rolled her eyes, and decided to get down to it.
"Why are you here, Chibs?"
"Ya know why, Mackenzie." he said, suddenly serious. "I'm no' gonnae stop tryin' ta convince ya. Bein' friends was a stupid idea - we should be so much more than tha'."
Mac sighed heavily.
"Chibs, I can't give you a better answer than I've already given."
More accurately, she was afraid to tell him any more.
"I swear, Mac, if you say you're dangerous one more time - "
"But it's the truth!" Mac exploded. "I am dangerous - I am a killer - "
"Bloody well so am I!" Chibs roared. "But why, why in god's name are you so convinced you're worse?"
He forced his shoulders to relax.
"Ya said I don' understand." he said, more quietly. "So help me to."
Mac heard the pleading his voice.
"I did something, Chibs." she said. "And if you found out, you'd walk away. There's no chance you'd ever want to see me again, much less actually come to care for me."
The look in her eyes… Chibs was devastated for her, without even understanding why.
"Mackenzie." he said. "How can ya say tha', knowin' wha' the Sons are? What we do? You've been privy to club matters - ya know we're no better than ya are?"
"Do you kill woman or children." Mac asked abruptly.
"Jesus, no!"
He cringed, and Mac turned away, feeling her heart bruise just a bit more.
"Then there's nothing more to be said here."
He let her stew in silence for a while.
"The firs' man I killed wan' even a man." Chibs said, after a while. "He was just a boy. Just a kid."
Chibs sighed.
"I though' I was doin' the righ' thing, killin' for a cause I believed in. Still do. An he wasn'a innocent. But he was just a kid."
Mac gripped the counter, frustrated.
"Chibs, I… that doesn't change anything for me." she said. "That doesn't help! So what if you're a… a gangster or a thug or whatever the hell it is people call you when they want to hurt you? You know the truth. That your a solider, an outlaw, a comrade. There's a moral code that binds the Sons together, and what's more, you follow it. Damned if it doesn't line up with everyone else's. That's a form of honor I respect. You're a good man."
She swallowed.
"I had that once. Then I lost it."
A pause.
"And that's why you need to leave. There's nothing for you here. Just get out."
"No." said Chibs. "I'm not leavin'. Tell me, ya stubborn woman. How did you lose it?"
"I can't!" Mac was yelling again.
"Yes, you can!"
"No, I can't! I don't want to relieve it! I don't want to remember it - I want it gone, Chibs! Don't you see? It will always be a part of me, these memories that I so desperately want to forget. I'm saddled with them forever. How the hell am I supposed to put that weight on anyone else? How in hell can I ask that of someone I care about?"
The anger appeared to drain out of her.
"I can't do that. I can't ask that of someone. I can't possibly be worth it."
Chibs breathed deeply.
"Don' say tha' again." he said, voice low and tight. "No' ever fuckin' again, Mackenzie. you're worth it. Don' ever think otherwise."
Mac sat heavily, and Chibs joined her, taking her hands across the table.
"Please, Mac, jus' trust me. I'm no' a safe bet for anyone, and ya might be the firs' woman to understand tha'. I promise ya, nothin' ya tell me is gonnae make me walk out o' this house."
Mac stared hard.
That was real sincerity in his voice, sincerity that she so desperately wanted to believe. And the truth was, Chibs might even believe it himself. But he didn't have all the facts.
She wondered if it even mattered anymore. The truth of what she'd done had weighed heavily on her for years, a secret never shared. It was slowly breaking her, crushing her under it's weight, and under the weight of holding everyone at arms length.
Maybe Chibs could share the burden.
"I met a man…"
Mac began slowly and so very quietly.
"While I was still working for the government, I met a man while training overseas. He was… he was all the things he was supposed to be; brave, charismatic, handsome. I thought I did everything right. I held him off, waited until we could be together before we started seeing each other. Put protections in place. But he knew everything about me, and somehow, I never through to question that."
"Peter - that was his name - said things, made promises. I was unbelievably naive. And how do stories like this always end? He used me."
Those were tears in her voice.
"He was an excellent liar. He told me the job was sanctioned, and why shouldn't I believe him - he was a couple ranks up, he had the paperwork, the due diligence, everything I asked for. And all of it was fake. He sent me in alone, choosing to command through comms. We were in some backcountry part of Greece, the target was supposedly two men with some horrific fake backstory. I remember one was supposed to have long hair, the other shorter. I remember wondering if it was customary. How fucking stupid could I have been?"
She laughed bitterly.
"The daughter - " Mac's voice cracked.
"The daughter was sitting down. Facing away from me, as was her mother. All Peter's plan. He gave the go order - they were dead in seconds. A seconds later, the walls came down. The bodies were female, one young and innocent and now very, very dead. A daughter and her mother."
"Later… later I found out that the girl was Peter's daughter. He'd had me do his dirty work for him. And I couldn't go to anyone, couldn't tell anyone, because their deaths weren't sanctioned, and Peter had me on tape."
Mac realized at that point that Chibs was frozen in his chair, but she suddenly couldn't stop speaking.
"Peter terrorized me in the months following. When I wouldn't behave, he would threaten to report me, turn me in. He liked to play mind games, to force me through the motions of a healthy relationship, and then spring me with stories of the girl and her mother, stories of how he'd bullied them, photos, videos, god. I came to learn that he'd forced himself on the woman, and that she wasn't the only one. I got to hear all about that."
Her laughter was cruel and brittle, like breaking glass.
"And when I got unruly, Peter never hesitated to use force. He was careful - there are far worse ways to cause damage to a person than broken bones or black eyes. But I endured, because I deserved every last moment of pain. Some small recompense for what I'd done to those innocents."
"Eventually, I caught myself sinking. Looking forward to the pain, as a way to drift away. I was falling, and I knew if I didn't leave then, I would never get out. To this day, I don't think Peter knows exactly how I pulled it off. I hid for a few months, hit up some old, trusted contacts for jobs, and made a name for myself. It took me years to pull myself out of the hole that Peter dug, and yet, it has never left me."
Mac sighed heavily.
"And why the fuck should it, Chibs?" she asked. "I should be haunted by what I did. It should follow me to my grave. How is it right that they dead, and I still walk the earth? How is it acceptable for me to ever experience happiness. They were innocent. The only vow I've ever taken seriously - shattered. That moral code that binds the Sons together? Mine was shredded."
"Do you understand now, Chibs? Do you understand why I can't share this with anyone? I shouldn't have even shared it with you. Do you feel it now, that weight? Are you worse for the burden of my crimes?"
Mac laughed bitterly once more, and left the kitchen.
—
Once again, Chibs found that Mackenzie had rendered him speechless. Of course, the effect was different.
Chibs thought he'd known all the evil in the world, having danced with it numerous times himself. But that, apparently, had been wildly naive. Even after everything with Jimmy and Fi, every cruelty that he'd ever endured - never had something marked him the way it obviously had with Mackenzie, never had he borne witness to something akin to what she described.
"Mackenzie." he whispered. She'd left the room moments before, and Chibs found himself standing, running to find her. Sitting on the couch, head in her hands.
"Mackenzie." he said again, sitting next to her.
"Darlin', it wasn'a your fault."
He wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
"He tricked ya. He's evil an' cruel, an' you are no'. You didn't choose to do anything. Please, Mackenzie, ya aren't the rat bastard here - he is!"
"Oh please." Mac said, shoving him away. "I chose to trust him. I chose that, and then I killed them. I pulled the trigger. You can't put that blame on anyone else!"
"Yes, I can!" Chibs said. "I can blame it on him!"
When Mac didn't respond, Chibs sighed. One story deserved another, he knew, and if Mac was ever to trust him, eventually she would need to know about Fi and Jimmy. Would it convince her, he wondered? Would it be enough to show her they were all flawed? And that their flaws weren't intrinsically evil?
"I had a wife, in Belfast." he began quietly. "Hav' a wife, I suppose, but we have'na been tha' close for years. We had a daughter… my daughter, Kerrianna. She was suppose' ta be ma' everythin'. My only job - protect ma girls. Even when Fi and I started ta grow apart, I swore I would be there for Kerrianne, swore I would still protect them both."
"I failed. Miserably. Jimmy O'Phelan, well, he saw wha' I had, an' decided he wanted it for himself. He took 'em from me, along with everythin' else I held dear. Tha' easily, I was left with nothin' but ma kutte and ma scars. I ran here, like a whipped dog."
"How could I have left 'em behind? Fi and I, we weren't doin' too well before, but how coudl I just abandon Kerrianne to tha' man? My only job was ta protect her! I still work towards tha'. Everyday. I will figh' for 'em, and when the opportunity comes, I will ruin Jimmy. Don' think it'll ever be the same - we'll never be a happy family again. But at least I can free 'em from Jimmy O'."
Chibs sighed.
"People take stuff from us, darlin'."
He forced Mac to look at him.
"They took our promises from both of us. They take and they break wha' we hold mos' dear, jus' because they can. Tha' doesn'a make us evil. But ya cannae stop fightin' back. Ya have ta keep goin' until ya can't anymore. Until they can't anymore. Otherwise, they'll win."
And when she opened her mouth to argue with him - again - Chibs had had enough.
Chibs pulled her to him, and kissed her.
—
Mac's world tilted around her.
It was chaste, at least at first, as if Chibs were asking permission. But he didn't wait for her.
Chibs lifted her moments later, leading her back to the nearest wall without separating then. Mac came back to herself just a bit when he slammed her against the wall, but only enough to respond in full.
He burned like fire, and he entire body tingled in response. Her hands slid up, one to frame his face and the other to bury in her hair. His hands bracketed her waist, keeping her pinned, and their heat only added to the sensation of burning.
When it became clear that Mac wasn't going to shove him away, Chibs took control, invading her mout, holding her to him as if his life depended on it. He swept his tongue along her lips before slipping inside, and Mac gave a pleased moaned.
The sound rippled through him, turning him near-feral.
I knew it.
Mac was dynamite beneath him, that simmering heat now a rolling boil. She'd blown his expectations away from the moment he'd kissed her. His hands left her hips, thunking into the wall on either side of her head as he tried to keep himself from taking her right then.
And then Mac shoved him away.
The thud of his hands had brought her to her senses. Her eyes snapped open, and her shove caught Chibs entirely by surprise.
"How can you?" she yelled, breathing heavily.
Stunned was too weak a word for her in that moment.
"Because I know what it's like to fail yourself!" Chibs roared back. "But it isn't your fault. Now come back 'ere."
"No!" Mac said, moving quickly out of reach. Her brain couldn't focus on anything except for the desire in his accent.
"No." she repeated. "It clearly hasn't registered with you. You should leave. It's only a matter of time before you want to."
God, and it was gorgeous the way she managed to slam that shield down, hiding the want in her eyes entirely. Chibs, as opposed to being deterred, found himself even more turned on.
He smirked at her.
"If tha's wha' ya really want, I'll leave." he said.
Mac jerked her head in acceptance.
"Liar." he snarled. "We're cut from the same cloth. We may have been the weapon, but we didn'a fire the gun. And ya disagreement is as insultin' ta me as it is ta yourself. Did ya think abou' tha'? Think about how I'm jus' as guilty as you are?"
He chuckled.
"I'll leave." he said. "I'll go, but don't ya come back ta me until ya got ya head on straight. Donnae come back ta me until you've realized tha' you're no worse than me. Ya can't keep runnin' from everythin', keep denyin' yourself the human connection. It's no way to live - take it from me."
And he walked out the door.
—
Mac watched him walk out with a frozen face.
She stayed leaning against the wall for a long time. Long enough for the night to fade into darkness, and to come alive with crickets.
She had tried, hadn't she? It had taken a piece of her to give Chibs the full, unvarnished truth, and yet she'd done it.
It had made her feel like shit, but there had been a purging sensation as well, as if she'd been freeing herself of some poison that had been locked within her for a very long time. There was an intense sense of relief.
But none of that relief excused the fact that Chibs had stayed. Even after what she'd told him. What did that make him?
Mac jerked in place, finally remembering all that Chibs had told her. His wife - and child. It was more than she had expected, and yet Mac knew something had happened to force him to leave Ireland.
But she knew Chibs was a good man - she just knew it. So how could he still want her? If she couldn't find it in herself to forgive herself, how could Chibs?
Mac even understood his final argument, the validity of his guilt. But Chibs had left to protect himself.
She had killed.
Mac sighed.
She still had a job to do the next day, and there was dinner to clean up in the kitchen. The insanity in her mind could wait for another day.
But the motions didn't really help. She could not silence her mind.