Severus Snape pulls open his still perfectly warded bed curtains to find James Potter sprawled over the sheets, sitting against the headboard with Severus' potions book propped up in his lap.

James looks up at Severus with a smirk. "Was it this one?" he points at the notes in the margins. "Sectumsempra? I like it."

Severus' wand drops into his hand, a sneer on his face. "So brave, even without your boyfriends."

"Oh, I'm never alone," James laughs.

An expelliramus hits Severus in the back and his wand goes flying into Sirius' grip as Sirius kicks the door to the dorm room shut. Remus steps out from around the other side of Severus' bed, having been hidden by the closed curtains.

"Hide and seek champions, am I right?" James drawls. "But come on, Sevy, we've had six beautiful years together, why are you still so distant?" He pats the bed. "Sit with me, let's cuddle and I can tell you all about how Lily's heartfelt apology to me and how much she hates you now."

"You put Lily in the hospital wing!" Severus snaps.

"It was a boggart," Remus corrects, arms crossed as he stands off to the side. "James had nothing to do with it, it's a dangerous creature."

"Like you?" Severus scoffs.

Sirius laughs, wand held aloft but with a gentle grip, a storm in his eyes. "Just say it, Snivellus. Say you're jealous Jamie got the girl and you've got…well, a distinct odour."

"He treats Lily like a joke," Severus snarls. "He's too busy fucking you two to pay her any attention. Someone needs to take you lot down a peg, and I know for a fact that you idiots started the acromantula attack – yet you have the gall to act like you've saved everyone and we should be honoured."

Remus sighs tiredly. "So you attacked James because of Lily? I assume you didn't ask if she wanted him to bleed out in a closet."

"She didn't mind in the end," Severus mocks.

Sirius snarls.

"Snape, don't be a fool," Remus tries.

"He can't help it, it's habit by now," Sirius scoffs.

"Sirius, be quiet," Remus mutters.

"Go quiet yourself, Remus," Sirius snaps back.

Severus rolls his eyes. "Oh look at you two, quarrelling like an old married couple."

Sirius takes a threatening step forward. "Why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set."

James cracks up laughing. "Fuck, I've missed this, why don't we do it more often?"

"Gladly," Severus grits out. "Give me my wand, let's go find a broom closet."

"Wow, okay, right back to business then," James says, still a bit giggly as he grins wide and rips the potions book straight down the middle into two jagged piles of paper. James slips off the bed as Sirius kicks Severus' trunk open. "Beg me to stop," James demands, holding the two halves of the textbook over the open trunk.

Severus looks from James to the trunk. He fell for that once in third year and never again. "It felt good, seeing you bleed out at my feet."

James only laughs as the textbook in his hands catches on fire before he drops it into the trunk and it spreads, blazing up and burning through it all. "Oopsie! Quick, Remus, help."

Remus flicks his wand and the trunk is filled with fire retardant foam to smother the flames. Sirius stomps down on the lid and runes flare across it, wrapping the trunk like chains to lock it.

"Good job, lads!" James cheers with exaggerated applause. "Crisis averted."

Severus stands there with his fists clenched, teeth gritted as James saunters up to him.

"Listen," James begins with a long-suffering sigh, putting a hand on Severus' shoulder. "I'm going to be the better man because someone has to be...or at least I'm not going to kill you, which was a hard sell for Sirius - you're welcome for that by the way." He smirks. "Honestly, I should thank you. After all, every hero needs a villain, and I was getting a bit desperate seeing how Voldemort is such a sweetheart."

"You think I won't retaliate?" Severus hisses.

"You can try," James offers and pats Severus again on the shoulder before sauntering off to the door. "I'll be seeing you later, Snape. "

Remus offers up a shrug and he disappears with James under the cloak. Sirius gives a middle fingered salute and vanishes after them.

.

A/N: Some dialogue taken straight from the movies because that scene was gold.

Btw, not gonna keep up the back-and-forth so don't worry, we'll wrap up this mini arc soon enough.