Harry slams open the door to the empty classroom where a picnic has been spread out on the floor, the ceiling enchanted to show a night sky – and because Sirius did it, it's very accurate, even turns as the Earth does.

"You're a bit late, aren't you?" James tries, upon seeing Harry's expression.

"People said you were a bully," Harry whispers.

James pauses. "What?"

"That your pranks went too far sometimes," Harry continues. "And I know you don't mean it but you can be too much."

Sirius tries to laugh it off. "It's only been like three days, we haven't even done that much."

"You threw him off the stairs!"

"He was fine! The safety caught him – which we put in place by the way."

"He was hanging there for three hours during dinner!" Harry snaps. "And I might not know everything you've pulled, but I damn well know that's the nicest thing you've done. He disappeared for an entire day and no one bloody noticed – not even Snape!"

"I was watching the whole time," Remus reassures. "It never went too far."

"I don't know why you think that's a good thing, you're just as bad as these two!" Harry snaps.

Remus pauses, shocked because he's always the one who holds them back. Sirius and James are both assholes, no denying it, they're the ones who come up with pranks that would be mean if they weren't so funny. But they are funny, right? Remus is the sane one, at least when the full moon isn't close, right?

Remus stares off into the distance, having an identity crisis.

James laughs. "Harry, come on, it was funny. How are we the bad guys when everyone was laughing?"

"Dad, you just-!" Harry stops and takes a deep breath. "I get it, I do, I was fucking wrathful when I saw what happened. But it's being taken care of, isn't it? You get your rematch with Hufflepuff, Lily apologised to you and hates Snape, I could have gotten him expelled but you refused, and he's even got a criminal charge on his record now."

"That's sealed though because he's a minor, so no one knows anyway," Sirius corrects.

"Is it not enough?!" Harry cries. "Can we not just – I don't like it when you're being these…people. And I know -I know- that this is fun for you. You genuinely don't care anymore, this is just fun."

James has shrunken back into Remus' side because now he feels bad. "It was a joke. We were going to stop soon anyway."

"Just..." Harry sighs. "Next time someone tells you to stop, you just walk away. Alright? I'm really trying very hard to make sure Sirius doesn't end up in Azkaban again."

"Sorry," Sirius mutters.

"That's okay," Harry says then shuffles around awkwardly. "Sorry, I'll just go. You enjoy your picnic."

"Why are you leaving?" Remus asks in confusion. "No, come here, this was for you. You're so stressed out lately, and I know you're still having a fight with Lily, you must hate that."

Harry slinks over, still cautious until James smiles at him, bright and completely genuine.

"Stop worrying, Harry, we knew you'd stop us eventually," James dismisses, pulling Harry down by the trousers to sit. "But how'd you do it so fast?"

"The snake portraits," Harry admits.

Sirius splutters. "Bloody snake portraits – I told you they were following us, Remus!"

Severus looks up from his book as the common room hushes.

James Potter strolls right on in, Remus and Sirius hanging back near the doorway.

"How brave," Severus murmurs, relaxing once he realises just how delusional these idiots must be to attack Severus in front of all these Slytherins. "Are you sure you want to do this here?"

James comes to a stop before Severus, standing almost so their knees are touching. "Whatever do you mean?" he mocks.

Severus drops his book off on a side table and stands, unfolding to his full height. James doesn't step back so they're chest to chest, eye to eye.

"You're in the Slytherin common room," Severus says, sneering down at James. "And you're a Gryffindor. The only way you're leaving is if you crawl."

"Oh?" James says, eyes squinting in amusement, a grin cutting over his face, fast and sharp. "Alright, counter argument; I'm in the Slytherin common room and I'm a Pureblood. The only way you're making me leave is if you beg."

Ice shoots through Severus' veins and he tenses. His eyes dart to the side, toward more upper years and they're not moving, perfectly content to watch. Severus made a mistake. It's not Slytherin against Gryffindor. It's one half-blood against the Dark Lord's new toy.

"Sit down you silly bitch," James laughs, loud and wild. "Before I make you."

"Let's take this outside, unless you're too scared," Severus says.

James grabs Severus' shoulder and shoves him back down into the armchair before just taking a seat on the armrest himself, hand still gripping Severus' shoulder tightly.

"I've been told that I'm a bit of a meanie," James begins, not even bothering to drop his voice when everyone is watching. James pouts. "You play the victim well for someone who looks like every stereotypical villain ever."

Severus grits his teeth.

"But!" James sighs exaggeratedly with an eyeroll. "What Harry wants, Harry gets because I love him so much. So this is how we're going to do things now." James leans in, eyes dark. "If you see me in the hall, you walk the other way. In class, you don't talk to me, you don't look at me. For the rest of your miserable, lonely life, you don't even say my name."

James pulls back with a bright smile. "And I'll ignore you back! A blank slate, we're even, let's end it."

Severus glances towards the other two and they're still standing by the doorway. Remus is watching the crowd blank faced but Sirius is glaring, clearly not happy with it. Probably upset because they're not James' favourites anymore with the Potter cousin here.

"And your boyfriends?" Severus demands.

"You don't mess with them, they won't mess with you," James offers.

"Agreed," Severus says firmly.

"Great!" James chirps, springing back up. "See? I can be merciful." He waves to the Slytherins watching as he leaves. "Thanks guys, hope you enjoyed the show." He links arms with Sirius and Remus then hops out of the door.

Sirius is making intense eye contact with a ornamental snake right up until the door shuts.

Severus scowls, packing up his work quickly and efficiently before leaving for his room instead of a place so public, several dozen sets of eyes watching his retreat.

.

A/N: Harry works fast.

Btw all those comments like 'wow, not so bad' – let me tell you guys, I had to restrain myself. This story is comedy, don't tempt me back into my cannibalism streak because you know Padfoot would do it.