Mac knew physical pain.
She'd been injured enough that she knew it like an old friend. Physical pain she could handle. Physical pain was easy.
But this emotional pain?
Terrible. Horrible. Never-ending.
It was a little over a week since their fight on the docks. Tara, who was spending most of her time at Jax's place, kept her updated on their search. Finding Abel had been the almost sole focus of the club since his kidnapping, notwithstanding the fact that Gemma was in the hospital, in the custody of Unser.
Tara hadn't told her why.
Her best friend, and Donna, too, had been extremely supportive over the week. Not to mention the rest of the guys, whom Mac was shocked to find out were taking her side. Chibs was still their brother, would always be that.
But they felt for Mac.
She knew Chibs wanted to apologize. He'd called, left messages, tried to show up in person. But Mac just… couldn't do it. Every time she thought of him, her chest burned. And if she was going to look at him, much less speak to him again, she needed to get a handle on that grief, first.
And so when Jax had come around, asking her to come to Belfast with them, Mac had hesitated. Chibs would be there, not to mention his wife, daughter, and all of SAMBEL. Jimmy O', too.
And Peter.
Between that thought, and the look of pain on Jax's face, Mac was convinced. She agreed.
It was crowded when she arrived at the clubhouse. Mac hopped out of her truck, luggage slung over one shoulder, along with a few weapons. Jax had told her not to bring too many, and preferably not guns. But Mac wasn't crossing the Atlantic - with no small possibility that she would see Peter again - without firepower.
She was greeted by Jax and Juice, who transferred her bag to one of the vans.
"You ever been to Ireland, Mac?" Juice asked.
"For work and play."
"Is it nice?"
Mac grinned.
"It is." she said. "It's unique."
She turned, gaze passing over Chibs like he wasn't even there, a technique she'd spent quite a few years perfecting.
But it hurt.
Training kept her mask in place, when grief and pain wanted to seep through. Training, and the thought of Abel, in a stranger's arms.
—
Chibs, sitting in the back of Opie's van, was in pain.
Truth was, he'd been in pain since the scene on the dock. But this was a new level of torture. Seeing her again was killing him slowly, and seeing her talk and laugh with Opie from the passenger seat was even worse.
He'd been trying to apologize, but he'd hurt a dangerous, strong, hard woman. Someone who didn't accept apologies when it wasn't deserved. And his winodw was closing. As much as he wanted to explain, as much as she deserved an explanation, Mac wasn't speaking to him.
And if he pushed it, she may very well break his jaw just to shut him up.
Add to it that they were flying towards his family. In Ireland, his responsibility was to Kerrianne and Fiona, and keeping them safe from Jimmy O'. It was Chibs' personal hope that this trip would end with Jimmy dead. And that was going to take all of his focus.
He sighed, letting his head drop back against the headrest.
It was going to be a long trip.
—
Ireland was darker than Mac remembered.
Maybe it was the location, maybe it was just the general mood, but it was like the entire country had been shrouded.
The SAMBEL clubhouse was very similar to the Irish clubhouse, and the rooms they were given were right across the street. There were plenty of introductions, and a whole lot of noise as the SAMCRO guys greeted friends they hadn't seen for decades. Mac was briefly introduced, but she stuck by Gemma the entire time, making sure her face said "stay the fuck away from me."
She was here for Abel, and Abel alone.
That didn't stop that pain in her heart when she met Padraic - no one needed to tell her that the kid was Chibs' nephew.
"You're Cait's son." Mac said without thinking, shaking the boy's hand.
He nodded.
"I'm Mackenzie."
"Proper Scottish name ya go' there." he said, and Mac grinned.
"Maybe."
"No' a proper accent, though. British, maybe French?"
Mac just shrugged.
"No where in particular. I've been everywhere."
Padraic gave her a smile before walking over to Chibs. Mac was just close enough to pick up their conversation.
"Where are they?" Chibs asked.
"With Father Ashby, at St. Matt's. He's keepin' them in the rectory. They're fine, away from Jimmy an' safe."
Mac watched the immense relief sweep over Chibs like a wave. Her breath caught in her throat.
That relief isn't just for Kerrianne. He still loves her. And not in the way he once promised.
Mac averted her eyes, and walked away.
Somewhere deep down below the raging pain, the small part of her that was good could be happy for him, happy that he was getting a chance to reconnect with him daughter and to rescue his family. But everytime their reunion was shoved in her face, the pain became almost violent in intensity.
There was a discussion once they'd gotten into the clubhouse, about the cops that had pulled them over on the drive. The cop they'd interrogated had told them he was paid off by someone to detain and deport a group of Americans, save one.
Mac knew.
"It's Peter." she said.
She was sitting on the bar, only half participating in the conversation. The guys in SAMBEL weren't yet completely on board with her taking part in club business, no matter that Clay had backed her up vehemently.
They'd get over it.
The room turned to her.
"Peter, maybe Jimmy." she said.
McGee and O'Neill - neither of whom she really trusted - both stared at her with a recognition that twisted her gut. As if someone had told them about her, to keep an eye out for her.
"I agree." Jax said, and Clay nodded beside him. "Though I don't understand how it fits into whatever their plan is. If they didn't want us here, they shouldn't have drawn us here."
Privately, Mac agreed. It was weird. But before the guys could get any deeper into it, Gemma came running in.
"They're here." she said.
Mac's stomach swooped. Chibs' family.
When they wandered outside, Mac stayed well off to the side.
She saw Fiona first; beautiful and strong and proud. Not someone Mac would mess with without good reason. Then Kerrianne, who looked both terrified and hopeful. Mac's heart hurt for the girl.
She looks like him.
And she did, just like the photo Chibs had shown her. Kerrianne kept her eyes trained on Chibs from the moment she exited the van.
They were both followed by a pretty blonde who introduced herself as Trinity.
There was a pregnant pause as Chibs elbowed his way forward.
"My girls."
Mac could hear all the raw emotion in his voice. She kept watching, the scene incredibly emotional, the lump in her throat getting larger and larger. The closer her got to his family, the farther he got from her.
But Chibs deserved this. They'd been taken from him so cruelly. He deserved a chance.
That didn't mean that Mac had to watch.
She turned and walked back into the clubhouse, Gemma right behind her.
In silence, Mac poured herself three hits of whatever whisky was behind the bar, and took them like water. Gemma watch in silence.
When Mac was done, she shoved herself into a dark corner of the bar, watching as the guys led Fiona and Kerrianne inside.
Underneath the pain, Mac was struck by the amount of steel on Fiona's face. She was fierce, and it took Mac by surprise when she called to her by name.
"You're Mackenzie, right?"
The SAMCRO guys went very still. If Mac had looked at Chibs, she would've found his face priceless. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.
Instead, Mac slid off the stool and walked up to Fiona. Mac met the other woman's gaze and nodded once, mask as blank as she could muster. Fiona was strong, yes, but Mac was her equal - at least.
"I've met Peter." Fiona said.
Mac blinked.
"He's no' a nice guy."
Mac lips twitched.
"Understatement." she said, coldly.
And then Fiona embraced her.
Mac stood, absolutely frozen, as Fiona whispered to her.
"I'm so sorry, lass. He's a complete an' utter monster."
And Mac's arms came up to hug Fiona back.
"It is an understatement." Fiona continued, pulling away. "He and Jimmy together… Jesus Christ."
"I can't imagine." Mac replied.
Fiona stepped forward.
"I cannae imagine what strength it took. To survive someone like him."
Her voice was very quiet.
"And you as well. I haven't met Jimmy, and I don't want to."
"No." Fiona said. "Ya really don't."
"I'll give you all the help I can, Fiona. I've a… special set of skills, and I will use them however I can to get you out from under Jimmy's thumb."
Fiona nodded, and the conversation around them picked up again.
Chibs looked between the two women, utterly baffled. He hadn't been able to hear whatever they'd whispered to one another, but from the look on Mac's face, he would guess that they'd acknowledged the bond that all survivors shared. Almost like they'd fought in the same - more personal - war.
And Mac, who was still treating him like he didn't exist, had been nice.
He watched, still bewildered, as Mac slunk out of the room.
—
A loud commotion drew Mac out of sleep.
She sat up, rubbing at her eyes, waking up fast. Throwing some clothes on, she rushed downstairs to see what the fuss was.
It was apparently Chibs and Jax, sitting at the bar, both bruised and bleeding.
"What the fuck happened?" Clay asked, just as Mac walked in.
"Someone shot at us while we were getting the girls back." Jax said, as Chibs took a shot beside him.
"Girls are fine. We're a little banged up is all."
Mac realized she was staring at Chibs, as if her entire world had narrowed to just him.
A cowardly part of her was glad that she hadn't been there to see him in the hospital. It very well might've destroyed her. To see him even slightly injured now was throwing her for a loop.
She shook her head, backing out of the bar, and slipped back upstairs.
That was where she stayed for most of the day, venturing out for food when Gemma called, but otherwise keeping to herself. That evening, though, the welcome party that SAMBEL had thrown was in full swing, and Mac was lured down by the truly absurd amount of noise.
She grabbed a few beers, taking a set on a picnic table slightly away from the crowd.
Well, at least she wasn't hiding in her room.
Time passed slowly, even as Happy, Juice, and Jax rotated by to talk to her. Mostly, the SAMCRO guys spent the time catching up with their brothers, until Seamus decided to come over to her to try and play nice.
"Mackenzie, lass!"
He was yelling, though Mac didn't think he knew that. He was as stumbling drunk as most of the guys were.
"Com'ere." he said, sitting down next to her and pulling her to him.
Mac recoiled immediately, springing off the table.
"The fuck?" the Irishman yelled. "Come back 'ere an' take care o' me."
"Oh, fuck off." Mac said,
That pissed him off.
"Who'd'ya think ya are?"
He stumbled towards her, slurring his words. Mac put a hand up to top him, but suddenly Happy was there, having noticed the commotion. Juice was beside him, helping him to restrain the increasingly belligerant Seamus.
"Wha' the fuck, man?"
He was yelling at Happy now, and both Juice and Happy were drunk enough to start yelling back.
"She's not a crow eater, Seamus! Stay the fuck away from her!"
"Oh, no' jus' a nice piece o' ass the SAMCRO guys are protectin' for yerselves, no?"
"Hey, dipshit, she's scarier than me sometimes." Happy said, and the conversation devolved from there.
Mac found herself strangely pleased at Happy's assessment of her, though less pleased when the trashed bikers decided that she should prove it. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the emotion, or maybe she just felt like it, but Mac allowed herself to be boosted into the ring, opposite O'Neill.
The party gathered around. The sober part of Mac was positive that this was a bad idea, but the drunk and angry part of her only had to see Chibs out of the corner of her eyes to feel her blood boil again.
And she let it.
The dam holding back her anger - built of sorrow and guilt - burst. Rage flooded her limbs, burning away the mask on her face. She could feel her eyes narrow, lips curl into a snarl, promising much works things than a black eye or a broken bone. For a second, O'Neill's face became Chibs'.
Chibs stifled a gasp. He'd never seen her look so furious - like some animal cornered by fate, angry at god, and willing to tear the predator in front of her to shreds. The very definition of "pissed off, who wants some?"
Mac hadn't yelled at Chibs that day on the docks. She had controlled herself. She hadn't spoken to him since, she'd allowed him the space and time he needed with his family. She'd forced herself to feel the guilt he'd piled on her with Abel's abduction.
And now, she took all of it out on O'Neill, who may not have deserved it, but was unfortunate enough to be in the ring with her.
Chibs knew he was the real target of her rage, wincing in sympathy as she beat the shit out of O'Neill, yet savoring the usual rush it gave him to see her so intensely capable.
O'Neill fought back, of course, and Mac's anger made her sloppy enough to take a few hits. Her healing wounds didn't help either. But O'Neill was simply no match for the raw fury that she was working with. The cheers and jeers of the audience faded to a stunned silence, then a buzz in the background as it became clear she would wipe the floor with him.
Chibs watched with satisfaction as Mac easily took O'Neill apart. Despite everything between them, he couldn't stop the familiar warmth of arousal at the sight. Jesus, did he miss her, more than he'd ever missed anything in his life. He was struggling to sleep, drinking too much, snapping at people.
He'd fucked up such a good thing.
Mac allowed the fight to continue until her rage was spent, until it was no longer cathartic or fun, but just felt empty. She ended it with on well-placed punch, knocking O'Neill against the barrier and onto his ass.
"I'm done." she said.
Chibs groaned at the punch that dropped O'Neill, knowing the Irishman would feel it in the morning. He watched with a tinge of sadness as Mac's mask slid back into place. Seeing any emotion on that lovely face, even anger, was better than the robot she'd been since their fight.
She fell back, the cheering muted. Mac licked her lip where it had split, tasting metal and feeling the sting. She hadn't bothered to wrap her hands, leaving her knuckles bloody and wrists sore.
Mac swung under the ropes, giving O'Neill a nod that he returned blearily. Without saying a word, she hopped down and went back to her room.
As she walked back into the house, she didn't notice as Chibs silently saluted her with his beer.
She was still his girl.
—
Mac was unbelivably sore the next morning, not to mention more than a little hungover.
No doubt that was part of the reason Jax was grinning at her when she walked in the bar the next morning.
"Killer!" he greeted her, slightly too loudly.
Mac grimaced.
"It's nice to see you express some emotion again. Even if it was while beating the shit out of O'Neill."
Jax held out a fist to bump, and Mac rolled her eyes.
"Look." Jax said, becoming more serious. "I need you to come with me when I visit Father Ashby today."
Mac eyed him. Jax wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
She nodded.
They left about an hour later, meeting with the priest in the hall of the church. Mac was quiet as Jax introduced Father Ashby, who - like everyone else - looked at her as if he already knew her.
Once again, Mac did not like it.
"Mackenzie Adrien." he said. Mac kept her face impassive.
"Where's my son, Father?" Jax asked.
"He's safe."
That wasn't an answer.
"I'm more interested in Mackenzie's side of things. You know Peter Murphy, no?"
That pissed her off. They were here for Abel.
"What's it to you?"
"Peter joined Jimmy a couple o' months ago. He apparently has past IRA ties. Says he was born and raised in Belfast, and that his extended family were supporters of the cause. He proved it, but…"
Mac could tell the priest had seen through Peter's web of lies, no doubt the way he'd gained the Irish trust so fast. To be fair, she couldn't entirely tell if it was true either. Peter had never talked about his childhood.
"Anyways, in his twenties, he left for the States, where he says he learned his American accent. He showed up with connections, power, and on the trail of one… Mackenzie Adrien. For a while, he was good for the cause. Now, he's convinced Jimmy that you and the Sons are his enemies, and that makes Jimmy happy, becasue he wants to end the IRA's relationship with the Sons. Run the guns himself, keep all the profit."
Mac swore. She still didn't know how Peter had found her and connected the Sons to the IRA, but apparently he was both smart and lucky.
"Why are you telling us this?" Jax asked.
Ashby sighed.
"The army council wants them gone. They're more trouble than they're worth. But I cannae kill them, none o' the leaders can. It'd be chaos. You two, and Filip, have excuses for wantin' them dead."
As he finished, Ashby was summoned off by a church official. Mac eyed Jax, waiting for a reaction.
"I've gotta call Stahl." he said.
Mac's eyes widened. Not exactly what she expected Jax to say.
"What?"
"Do you trust me?" Jax asked.
Mac let the question hang for a moment before nodding.
"Then don't ask me that again. You're the only one who knows right now. I'm not ratting, but I am using her… she thinks I'm working with her."
"Why are you telling me?"
"I need someone watching my back, and you can keep a secret."
He walked out of the church, leaving Mac to think in the dead silence.
There was, perhaps, a path forward here. If she could eliminate Jimmy and Peter, they'd be free to find Abel without further inference, and Chibs would be free to… do as he would. But this thing with Jax worried her. If the club found out…
Well, Jax wasn't stupid.
Mac would trust him, for now.
—
Of course, trusting Jax had led to a predictably dangerous plan.
They'd decided to go brute force. A gun drop that - supposedly - would involve Peter and Jimmy. A few extra weapons, and they'd have the job done.
She'd been asked by Jax to stay behind, protect the old ladies and daughters that couldn't go.
Mac had sworn at him, then forced him to promise that he'd bring Peter back. Alive.
Jax had just grinned and fist bumped her.
So Mac had shut herself in Maureen's apartment, where Gemma, Kerrianne, Fiona, Trinity, and Maureen were all waiting. She'd taken a seat next to Fi, back to the wall, one finger on the trigger of her gun where it rested underneath the table.
It was incredibly awkward.
Trinity, thankfully, had gone down to look after the store. Kerrianne looked like she'd rather be anywhere else. Mac was coiled tight like a spring with tension. And the temperature rose a few degrees everytime Fi and Gemma looked at one another.
They were a bomb ready to explode.
So it was almost not surprising when the door crashed open, revealing Peter, Jimmy, and Michael, one of the IRA members.
Mac's heart all but stopped.
There was a frozen moment where no one breathed. Peter's eyes locked with her, and for a moment, Mac looked right past the cruelty that marred his face, and found the Peter she'd fallen for.
And then he grabbed her and dragged her into the bedroom, and the moment shattered.
Mac swore violently, struggling the entire way. But he threw her inside, and slammed the door behind them.
"Mackie." he said.
Mac grit her teeth.
"Peter."
"I've found you."
He sounded exultant.
"Finally. I've been looking for you since you left. God, you can't understand how much it hurt to find you gone."
Silence.
"Mackie, I'm sorry. The things I did… they were terrible. I forced you to do horrible stuff. God, Mackie, I'm sorry. I just want you back. Come back to me."
Mac squashed every instinct she had, every single one of which were frozen with surprise.
Of all the things she'd expected - the hatred, the anger, the vileness- an apology had not been one of them. Obviously it was for show, and Mac wouldn't've cared even if it was real.
But something was… off.
The look in Peter's eyes - the cruelty, the brutality, the cleverness - all of that was still there. But something had shifted, almost snapped. Like there was every chance she wouldn't leave the room alive if she told him to fuck off, but also like he would believe her if she accepted his apology.
The old Peter would never have given her the chance.
Another path opened in front of her.
She sighed, letting her shoulders collapse.
"Oh, Peter."
Mac forced happiness into her voice. This would be the first test.
"I've waited so long to hear that from you. But when I say yes, I want to be able to mean it. And I have loose ends to tie up, before I can do that."
She had to force each word out, trying desperately to mean them. It was another sign that something was wrong when Peter bought them without question. He reached for her, wrapping her in an embrace before kissing her deeply, which Mac bore without passion.
"Thank god." Peter said. "Of course, take all the time you need. I'm just so happy to have you back, Mackie! Things will be different this time, I mean it."
Lies.
Peter left the bedroom excitedly, and Mac followed.
Jimmy was having what sounded like a very one-sided conversation in the kitchen.
"Well, well." he said, looking to Mac. "If it isn't the other woman."
Mac kept her face carefully blank.
"Fi, this is Filip's new piece."
Fiona's face didn't change. So someone had told her.
"That's over." Mac said, to maintain the charade she was building for Peter.
"It was over the moment I caught him with someone else."
Jimmy raised an eyebrow.
It was a carefully constructed sentence. Mac couldn't mention that it was Fiona that had been seen kissing Chibs, because that would inevitably stir Jimmy's wrath. But she needed an excuse that both Jimmy and Peter would buy, and the tension between her and Chibs was very much obvious. And after all, the strongest lies were rooted in truth.
"Yeah, sure." Jimmy said, but with less confidence. "Clearly, I haven'a done a good enough job destroyin' his life. Good ting he's back."
Anger burned in her chest.
Jimmy was just as everyone had described - an arrogant, sadistic bastard - and every word he said stoked Mac's hatred. But while Peter's mind had twisted and warped, it was clear that Jimmy remained sharp as ever. The look on his face almost snapped the rest of Mac's self control.
"Let's star' with this." Jimmy said.
Jimmy's gun fired, and Michael was dead before he hit the ground.
Kerrianne screamed from behind Fiona, and Trinity burst through the door, screaming as well at the sight in front of her, her shaking hands wrapped around a gun.
Knowing the blonde would be all but useless, Mac swiped the gun from her hand before Jimmy could, and pinned him to the ground with it. Gemma, thankfully, had gotten to Peter and had him restrained.
Mac could kill him. It would be so easy to shoot Jimmy and then turn and do the same to Peter.
But the look in Fiona's eyes wasn't encouragement, it was warning.
Jimmy, noticing her hesitation, opened his mouth to speak.
Peter interrupted before he could continue to goad her.
"Shut up, Jimmy. Tá sí le linn."
Mac, Jimmy, and Fiona were the only three that understood the Irish, and Mac had a split second - when Jimmy turned to look curiously at Peter - to catch Fiona's eye and shake her head almost imperceptably.
Fiona needed to know it was part of the charade. So long as Peter believed it, and Jimmy was in the dark, Fiona could know it was a ruse.
"Really?" Jimmy drawled, eyeing her.
Peter nodded.
"Tá mé." Mac said.
Then she put one finger to her lips, telling him to keep it quiet.
"Mackenzie, ya cannae kill him." Fiona broke in. "If ya do, that's it for everyone ya love. It'll be a goddamn bloodbath."
There was genuine fear in Fiona's words, and this wasn't a woman who scared easily. Mac swore, but let the gun drop.
"Fine. But Jimmy, you stay the fuck away from Filip and his family, or I'll blow your head clean off."
She let him up and motioned for Gemma to get off of Peter.
Peter gave her a tight smile before following Jimmy out the door, leaving Michael's body cooling on the kitchen tile. Immediately, Mac regretted not pulling the trigger, despite Fiona's argument, and her own gut feeling that if she'd killed them, Jax would never see Abel again.
What the hell have I done?
—