The professor at the start of James' fifth year was actually interesting because he stayed for the first half of the year and then ducked out halfway to avoid the defence position curse.

So technically it's been a full year now for the current professor and thus, absolutely no one was surprised when the woman decided to stop because of the whole boggart thing James did (which, again, was not his fault) but either way she won't be back.

So to break in the new guy, the Marauders flip the gravity in the defence classroom and instead of making it spell work, they carve runes into the corners of the floor (technically ceiling now) and hide it with happy smiley face stickers – nothing too difficult to fix if you're looking, doesn't distract from class, just a bit of fun.

"Detention, Mr. Potter," the defence professor says as soon as the Marauders step into the room (and get flipped, landing on their backs on the floor spelled with cushioning charms).

"What?" James complains. "Why? Where's your proof?"

The man looks up from the notes he's reading over as the students settle into their upside-down desks. "Do I need evidence when everyone has mentioned you and your friends?"

"Well yeah, that's how this goes," James says with an eyeroll. "Either catch us properly or suffer in silence knowing you're not good enough to keep up."

Remus elbows James. "It's the first day, at least be a little nice."

"No offence," Sirius throws in for James.

"Eight o'clock," the professor says, already looking back down at his note. "This classroom."

"I've got stuff to do at eight," Sirius complains.

"Good thing I only invited Mr. Potter then."

The three boys share a glance but James shrugs it off. Not the first time a professor has tried to separate them, either thinking detention will somehow mean more when they're bored, or just for plain old bribes to be good for the year. Remus even got a teacher who tried to get him to rat out the other Marauders.

James goes to detention because he doesn't want to be mean. Also because it'll be funnier to give the man false hope before ripping it away.

So in detention, James shows up with a pep in his step and his bag over a shoulder thinking it'll be lines or something boring. He slaps his bag down onto the back table and some snacks inside rustle – he's become an absolute master at sleight of hand when it comes to eating snacks during detention.

"Mr. Potter," the professor greets, shuffling his papers away and standing up. "This won't take long, no need for your bag. I cane my students who are troublemakers."

James laughs, but the teacher doesn't laugh with him. "What? Was that not a joke?"

"It's not against the Hogwarts charter," the professor says explains calmly. "Full disclosure, I have been told it's heavily frowned upon though, so only the greatest troublemakers will be given punishment and I've heard -and seen evidence myself- that you're often the ringleader for your friends."

James blinks. "I'm sorry, you told -what- McGonagall that you'll be beating up little children and she said it was heavily frowned upon?"

"It's caning," the professor corrects. "It's an old form of corporal punishment."

"I know what it is," James laughs, incredulous. "And it's beating up children."

"I understand that it causes a lot of division in the population whether it's acceptable or not but this has been what's worked for me and the students I've taught." The professor sighs and just lets that go. "Come up to the front and put your hands on the wall."

James laughs again, louder, high pitched and slightly awed. "I'm the Potter Heir, you can't honestly believe you can do that to me without being chased out of Europe."

"I am not breaking any school rules and as this is a place of education, everyone here is equal." The professor frowns. "I am disappointed you'd try to pressure me like this with your background."

James leans forward over the table. "I don't think you understand; if you hit me, I'll bloody well hit you back."

"It'll be three strikes, that's all," the professor reassures.

"You're a fucking joke."

The professor sighs long-sufferingly like James is being the difficult one and pulls out his wand to immobilise James.

James bursts through the doors into Voldemort's throne room, Tom just a few paces behind. "I need an alibi!"

All the Death Eaters kneeling in front of Voldemort turn and stare at him.

"Why are you always busy when I need you?" James complains even though this has happened exactly one time, which is right now.

Voldemort raises a hand and lowers it, and the entire room of Death Eaters drop to one knee in front of him. "Come here, boy, tell me what you've done now."

"Nothing," James insists. "Nothing too bad. I'll...come back later." He slowly backs out. "But if anyone asks you -which I doubt they will- you summoned me suddenly right after dinner. Remember to subtly slide in there that I made a comment about being able to skip detention entirely." James glances at the masked, robed figures. "Tell your Death Eaters too, so it gets back to Dumbledore faster.

"Did you get rid of the body?" Tom asks.

"There's no body!" James cries. "I haven't killed anyone. Okay, look, so the defence professor tells me he's going to cane me and I'm like; fuck around and find out. He pulls out a bloody wand to immobilise me so I accidentally break his wand and shove him into a wardrobe with a boggart."

"So he's dead," Tom says.

"No, he's in St Mungo's because he was screaming so loud a passing prefect heard him," James explains. "I was hidden though so I need an alibi, and no one is going to question a Dark Lord, right?"

Tom raises an eyebrow. "You're telling me you blatantly mocked an authority figure and didn't like the consequences, so you retaliated by breaking the professor's wand before putting him in hospital."

"Wh- no, I-" James splutters. "That is a gross misunderstanding of the current situation."

Voldemort sighs. "Let me finish here and I'll take you back to school myself."

James claps his hand together under his chin and smiles cutely. "You're the best Dark Lord. Um, also, please don't tell Harry."

Tom grabs James by the collar and drags him back out.