Author's Note: TW for references to self-harm. I am so glad you are here! You are loved.
Guest Responses:
Urgwaew: Thank you so much for your review! You are so incredibly kind! I appreciate your thoughtful review and caring words more than you know! Truly, it made me smile as I walked down the hallway reading it and I kept reading it to keep that smile on my face! I'm so glad you like my characters! You are wonderful!
Luciusdies: I love that idea! I'll be sure to incorporate it somewhere soon! Thank you so much for your review!
"So I'm not going to Schoutz's class anymore?" Harry asked.
It was the next day, Tuesday, and Harry was sitting on the couch in their sitting room after dinner. Sirius and Remus had sat him down to talk about the resolution to the conversation they had the previous night.
"No. You're not learning anything and Schoutz isn't the best for you, either." Remus said.
"So I get a free period!" Harry said with excitement.
"Not exactly," Sirius replied.
Harry's smile faded. He was really hoping for that.
"You will still be practicing defense, but in an independent study form," Remus explained.
Harry was a bit confused and kept listening to Remus, trying to understand.
"Instead of going to class, you're going to go to a classroom or an office. Sometimes you'll be with me, Dadfoot, Professor Dumbledore, or other professors. We are all going to take turns working with you. That way you're learning Defense."
Harry thought of the DA and how much they're all going to benefit from that.
"That's awesome! A free period would've been better, but I can work with that."
Remus and Sirius smiled. They're glad he's excited.
"When do I start?" Harry asked.
"On Monday. That gives us time to prepare. Your first lesson will be with Professor Dumbledore. He'll be the main professor teaching you. You'll be meeting him in his office."
"Whoa," Harry said.
He knew about Dumbledore as his grandfather and was comfortable with it. He also knew about many of Dumbledore's accomplishments, including defeating Grindlewald. The greatest wizard alive was going to teach him. That was wild.
"It won't be anything crazy, Harry. You still have classes the rest of the day," Remus reminded him.
"Still, Dumbledore," Harry said in awe.
Sirius and Remus had to admit that personal lessons from Dumbledore were pretty intense, especially for a fifteen-year-old.
"Do you want to talk about it, do you want to go to bed and think about it by yourself, or do you want to be distracted?" Remus asked. Harry wasn't in any sort of distress or a panic situation, but it is still an overwhelming situation/ thought.
Harry paused before responding, "I think I'll go to bed early. If that's okay, of course."
"Of course, Cub. Can we have your wand?" Remus asked.
Harry handed it over and hugged his parents. "Night Dadfoot. Night Moony Da. I love you."
"We love you, too. We'll check on you later." Sirius said.
Harry gave a distracted nod before retreating to his bedroom. He had a lot to think about.
Dumbledore as his professor. Wild.
Harry had an uneventful rest of his week. He had a good therapy session with Remus and didn't have any urge to self-harm (hooray!).
Monday came quickly and Harry was nervous about his lesson with Dumbledore. The gargoyle must've known that Harry was expected and let him right in. Harry entered the office timidly and Dumbledore gave him a large smile when he arrived.
"Ah, Mr. Potter. I'm glad you're here."
"Hello, Professor," Harry said.
"For today I thought we'd do something fun that also gives me an idea of your skill level. Why don't you follow me."
Albus walked out of the office and Harry followed him, deep in thought.
What if I mess up?
What if I'm not as good as he thinks I am?
What if I disappoint him?
What if he realizes that I'm not good at this?
What if he just decides I'm not worth it all?
Thoughts swirled through Harry's head. When they reached an empty classroom, Harry didn't even realize that they were there.
"Mr. Potter?" Albus asked, seeing the faraway look in his eyes.
"Mr. Potter?" He tried again, this time louder.
No change.
"Harry," Dumbledore said softly, reaching out and touching Harry's arm.
Harry jumped, not expecting it.
"Are you alright?" Dumbledore asked, eyeing Harry critically.
"Uh, yeah. I'm fine, Professor."
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.
"You too? Ugh!" Harry said, sitting in one of the empty desks.
Albus pulled up a chair and sat across from him. "What's troubling you? I thought you were excited?"
"I was! I am! I just," Harry trailed off.
"Just what?" Albus probed.
Harry bit his lip. He didn't know if he was talking to his grandfather or headmaster. He also wasn't sure if he should say anything.
"Harry, whatever you're thinking, I can assure you that you can tell me. I won't tell a soul."
Harry nodded, debating in his head.
"Are you sure you're alright? Do you want me to get Professor Lupin?"
"No!" Harry cried, looking at Dumbledore. "It's not that."
Albus settled himself. He was glad that Harry was okay.
"It's just that I don't know what I'm going to do. What if, what if," Harry seemed to choke on his words.
Harry looked and saw Dumbledore's kind and reassuring face. He took a deep breath and said, "What if you think I'm stupid? Or I disappoint you? Or I can't do it? What if you just decide to stop-" Harry couldn't say anymore. His eyes welled up with tears and he looked away.
Luckily, Dumbledore had heard enough. "Harry," he said.
Harry still looked away.
"Harry," Dumbledore repeated, this time gently cupping Harry's face and bringing it to his own.
"Harry, I will never stop. I will always love you. I will always be there for you. I will never leave. I know you are smart. I know you are capable."
"But what if you realize I'm not?" Harry interrupted.
Dumbledore gave him a small smile. "Harry, I am your headmaster. I know all your grades. I know when you try and when you don't."
Harry blushed and looked away at that comment.
"I know the curriculum and what a typical wizard looks like at your age. I know that you are the best in defense in your year, probably the whole school. I've known you since you were a baby. You won't disappoint me. Also, for this, I have no expectations. I know what you can do and what are some things I can teach you."
Harry felt better but still wasn't convinced. Dumbledore knew this and kept speaking.
"Harry, even if you were unable to disarm me that would be okay. It'd be a starting place and we would work from there. I believe in you. I will love you no matter what."
Harry took a deep breath. "Okay. If you're sure."
"Just do your best," Dumbledore said with a warm smile on his face.
"What are we doing?" Harry asked.
"Ah! That's the fun stuff! We are going to duel today!"
"Uh, Grandad, I can't beat you in a duel."
"Your Professor is going to be dueling you," Dumbledore said.
"I really can't beat him!" Harry said.
Dumbledore chuckled. "I am not going to treat you like an enemy, Harry. I'm not trying to maim you. Today I just want to see where your level is at. I'll start at a third-year level and go up."
"What if I mess up something stupid?" Harry asked.
"Harry, we all make mistakes. That's okay. Then we just start again."
Harry nodded, standing up.
"Now, find some of that confidence your father seems to have. I'm sure you can borrow some of his," Albus joked.
Harry smiled genuinely and took a deep breath.
"Now, let's get to the fun stuff," Dumbledore said.
Harry walked a few steps and moved an appropriate distance away from Dumbledore.
"Ready?" Dumbledore asked.
Harry nodded, his wand ready.
Dumbledore first tried to disarm him, which Harry quickly blocked. Dumbledore then moved to third-year spells, then fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh, and got progressively faster and more intense each time. After the seventh year, Dumbledore started on a few of the spells they teach you in the Auror Academy. That's when Harry started to falter some. He kept up best he could, but (predictably), Dumbledore beat him.
Harry lowered his wand and panted, leaning on his knees.
"Merlin, you're good at this."
"I've had quite a few years of experience," Albus said, chuckling. "You're not so bad yourself."
"I could've done better. Really, I can. I could tell I was getting tired." Harry admitted.
"I'm a bit tired, too."
"No, you're not!" Harry cried, astonished.
"Alas, I am not as young as I once was."
"You still beat me." Harry pointed out.
"I don't know how much longer I could," Albus admitted.
"I seriously doubt that."
"Well, we'll just have to keep practicing, hm?" Albus said.
Harry nodded and wiped his brow.
"Let's head back to my office and get a drink."
Harry nodded enthusiastically. "Yes please!"
Harry followed Dumbledore back to his office and was delighted to see pumpkin juice and biscuits out. Harry happily sat down and had a large sip of juice and a bit of the cookie.
"Delicious!" Harry said.
"I shall tell the kitchens you approve." Dumbledore smiled, taking a sip of his juice.
"How did I do?" Harry asked.
"Very well. I'm impressed, Harry."
"How far did I get? What did you think I would get to?" Harry asked. He really wanted to know what Dumbledore thought about his performance.
Dumbledore chuckled and bit into a cookie, thinking about how to reply. "I expected you to end around a seventh-year level. You, however, surpassed that and went into some Auror spells. I have no doubt you could handle them, but we had been dueling a long time."
"I know, I got tired," Harry admitted again, a bit dejected.
"Your endurance is impressive for a fifteen-year-old. You're not even fully grown yet. We'll keep working on it."
"It's easy to have endurance when you're used to battling Voldemort," Harry said dryly. When he realized what he said, Harry paled and put a hand over his mouth. "Oh, Professor, I'm sorry I didn't even-"
Dumbledore held up a hand. "Take a breath. You are alright. In fact, you are correct. When you are dueling for your life, you have to be able to have endurance because if you don't, it won't end well."
Harry nodded and nibbled on the cookie, relieved Dumbledore understood.
"I know that it's a large burden, Harry. Much too big for any person to bear alone. Please let others help carry it."
"I'll try, Professor," Harry said.
Dumbledore smiled at him and then became serious.
"Harry, things will only become more difficult from here on out. You may find out more information later on that is disturbing. Please know that you're never alone. You have so many people here to help you."
"What type of information, Sir?" Harry asked.
Dumbledore gave him a small smile. "That is a conversation for a day much later in the future. For now, just work on asking for help when you need it, okay?"
Harry nodded. He wasn't happy with the answer, but he knew Dumbledore had a good reason to want to tell him later. Besides, he was too worn out to think about things.
Dumbledore chatted with Harry a bit longer before saying, "Now, you seem rather exhausted. Your parents will have my head with me if we overdid it on the first day. Why don't you lie down in your bedroom upstairs? I'll get you when it's time to wake up."
"Okay, Grandad. Love you." Harry said, going around to hug Albus. "Thanks for today. It was really fun."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now, get some rest."
Harry nodded and found the stairs to head to his room. He was rather tired and rest would be nice.
Harry fell asleep quickly and was woken up by Dumbledore about 20 minutes before his next class which gave him enough time for a quick bite and to get to class on time.
Albus personally escorted Harry to class, earning the looks of many students. "You might as well get used to it, Harry," Dumbledore commented.
"But why are they all looking?" Harry asked the older man, looking up at him.
"They wish they had a grandfather with style such as myself."
Harry laughed out loud, not expecting this from him.
"Grandad!" Harry laughed, lightly pushing his arm.
"Not every grandfather can pull off such exquisite lilac robes."
Harry laughed again and hugged his grandfather before he entered his class. "See you later, thanks again!" Harry said, blushing.
"Goodbye, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore handed Harry his wand (which he had confiscated from Harry before he went upstairs) and ruffled his head before Harry pulled away.
Dumbledore watched as Harry made his way into the classroom and sat down. Merlin, he loved that boy.
The next Monday Harry had his Defense lesson with Remus. Remus had verbally assessed him on his theory and Defense scenarios. Harry did pretty well with it. He was in between a sixth and seventh-year level. Remus, however, was concerned about some of Harry's responses.
"How'd I do?" Harry asked as they finished.
"You did rather well. You're above a sixth year, but not quite at a seventh year. You're rather close, though. I expect you'll be there by Christmas with some studying."
Harry grinned.
"I do have a couple of clarifying questions for you."
"Shoot," Harry said, leaning back.
"A cutting curse it aimed at me. I had dropped my wand and won't get it in time. You're right next to me. What do you do?"
"Jump in front of you," Harry said without pausing.
Remus kept his face blank, not wanting to display any emotion. "Alright, here's another one. A death eater captures us. They say that they'll either torture me for a day and then release me, or torture you for a week and then release you. Pretend, of course, that they'd actually release us. What would you do?"
"Me," Harry said, again without any hesitation.
While Remus would normally keep this stuff for a therapy session, he didn't want to wait with this conversation. It was important and he needed to talk to Harry.
"Harry, I admire many things about you and one of them is your big heart and how you like to protect people."
Harry blushed.
"I want to talk to you about helping and protecting others and being reckless with it, though."
Harry's embarrassed smile turned to a frown. "What do you mean, reckless?"
"Harry, I know you're struggling right now. That's okay. It doesn't make you any less of a human or wizard. However, I think that is getting in your way of thinking clearly about this."
"It is not!" Harry protested standing up.
"Cub, take a breath, please. Just listen for a minute." Remus said softly, standing up and putting a hand on Harry's shoulder, trying to coax him to sit down.
Harry huffed but sat down and crossed his arms.
"Harry, I asked what you would do if a cutting curse is aimed at me. You said you would jump in front of it." Harry nodded. "Why wouldn't you just put up a shield?"
Harry opened his mouth to argue, then shut it. "Yeah, I guess that would make sense." He conceded, blushing a little.
"And I know the second scenario was much more complicated. But Harry, a day without me isn't the end of the world. You don't have to protect me. It's my job to protect you."
"But Moony Da! You can't ask me not to do that! I love you and Dadfoot more than anything in this world!" Harry said, tears coming to his eyes. Drat, he didn't mean to do that.
"Oh, Cub, I didn't mean to upset you!" Remus said, getting up to envelop his son in a hug.
Harry didn't fall into the embrace but didn't resist it either.
"Listen, we'll talk about that later. Let's just work on using our logic in battles, okay?" Remus asked kindly.
Harry sniffed and nodded. "I'll try to remember about the shield charm."
"Or goodness, Harry, just shove us out of the way!"
Harry pulled away and wiped his face, chuckling. "I forgot about that too, huh."
Remus shook his head. "Come on, let's get to lunch."
Harry nodded and followed his dad out of the empty classroom.
Remus was still worried in his mind. He knew that Harry needed to develop some self-preservation tactics and he had an idea of who could help him.
Later on that week, on Thursday after dinner, Harry was in the Gryffindor Common Room with Neville. They were part studying and part chatting. They studied for a while before Neville spoke up again.
"You seem to be doing better lately. It's been nice to see,"
Harry blushed a bit but was grateful for Neville's comment. "Thanks, Mate. I've been trying,"
"Well, we can tell. You seem happier and not as withdrawn. When do you think you can come back to our room?"
Harry thought for a moment. "I'm not sure. It's November right now so probably not before the end of the year. Maybe in January or February." Harry replied.
"Well, whenever you come back, we'll be happy,"
"Thanks, Nev,"
Before Harry or Neville could say anything else, Ron and Hermione came up to them.
"Harry! You're here!" Hermione squealed going by him.
"Hi, Hermione," Harry said, giving her a genuine smile.
"Can I give you a hug?" Hermione asked.
Harry was impressed. Hermione used to never ask. "Sure," Harry replied. When Hermione pulled away and sat down, Harry said, "I appreciate you asking. You used to never do that.
Hermione blushed. "I've been working on being less pushy. I was wondering why some of the first years were scared of me and not asking for help because, as you know, I am a prefect, and I asked one of them. They told me that I was intimidating and bossy so I've been trying to tone it down."
"That's great, 'Mione," Harry said, truly meaning it.
Ron and Hermione exchanged looks and then looked at Harry.
"What?" Harry asked, seeing the look between them.
"We haven't seen you a ton lately. You were really withdrawn and depressed earlier. You're doing better but we've still been really worried about you. What happened?" Hermione asked softly.
Harry sighed. He looked at Neville who gave him a small smile. "It's up to you. I'll support you with whatever you want."
Harry thought for a moment before saying, "Come on to our room. Mione, you can bring Ginny, too."
Both Ron and Hermione nodded, rather surprised that Harry agreed.
Less than five minutes later, all five of them were in the 5th year boys' room. Seamus and Dean were somewhere else.
"So," Hermione said after a moment of silence.
"Give him time, Hermione," Neville reprimanded her gently.
Hermione blushed and shut her mouth.
Harry took a deep breath. "Whatever I tell you has to be kept in secrecy. You can't tell anyone, okay?"
They all nodded.
Harry took another deep breath before saying, "So you all noticed that earlier in the year I was having a rough time. I have been depressed since the last task and it left me with something called PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's been hard for me to move on and process all of it."
"I've read about that," Hermione whispered to Ron but kept her eyes on Harry.
"Anyway," Harry said, ignoring the interruption. "I wasn't handling it the best. I, uh, sort of made some bad choices."
"What do you mean?" Ron asked.
"This is about your bandage, isn't it?" Hermione asked.
Harry nodded. "I didn't keep hurting myself from Quidditch. I just hurt myself."
Ron still seemed a bit confused and Ginny rolled her eyes. "Ron, he was hurting himself on purpose because of everything that was going on."
Ron seemed to understand now. He shifted uncomfortably but felt horrible for his friend.
"Oh, Harry! I'm so sorry!" Hermione said, her eyes full of tears.
Harry shrugged, not really knowing what to say to that.
"What can we do to help you?" Ginny asked thoughtfully.
Harry looked at Neville who nodded at him encouragingly. "Well, I'm supposed to have someone with me when I have my wand. And, uh, don't push me for too much information. Sometimes I can talk about it and other times I can't. I'm doing better though, really."
"I'm sorry that you've been struggling, mate," Ron said, reaching out to pat his arm.
"That's why I'm not in the dorms or with you all a ton. Dadfoot and Moony Da are keeping an eye on me."
"Moony Da?" Hermione asked. "Is that Professor Lupin?"
"Yea," Harry said, blushing a little. "I called him that when I was little. It came up the other day so I've kept using it."
"I think it's perfect," Ginny said, giving him a small smile.
"Thanks," Harry said.
They sat there in silence for several moments before Harry spoke again. "I, uh, guess there's not much more to say. There's the explanation."
"Thank you for sharing that with us, Harry. We can talk about other things, too, if you'd rather," Ginny offered,
"Please," Harry said, sighing and giving her a relieved smile.
The five lions talked for a while until Dean and Seamus walked in. "Hey, didn't know we were missing the party," Dean joked.
"Where were you?" Ron asked.
"Around. We only came back because of curfew," Seamus said.
"Shit!" Harry said, shooting up.
"What?" Neville asked, concerned for his friend.
"I was supposed to be back half an hour before curfew!"
"It's half an hour past, mate," Seamus said.
"I gotta go, bye everyone!" Harry said, hurrying out.
"Harry, I'm coming, too," Neville said, hurrying behind his friend.
"You don't have to," Harry said, running down the staircase. "It's after curfew."
"It's fine, I can get a pass or sneak back. You're more important."
Normally Harry would be rather touched by that comment, but he was too worried about being late.
Harry hurried to the door, Neville on his tail, but right there in the doorway of the common room was an irate professor.
"Mister Potter," Sirius said, his eyes flashing.
"I can explain! I-" Harry began, going over to him.
"Let's go," Sirius said, standing to the side so Harry could walk out first.
Harry's face burned from the embarrassment. The whole common room was staring. Harry quickly walked out of the room, wanting to get away.
"Dadfoot I can explain," Harry tried in the hallway.
"I need a minute," Sirius said, stone-faced.
Harry was a bit confused about why Sirius was acting this way. Sirius was probably out past curfew more than he wasn't as a student. It wasn't Harry's first time out past curfew, either, and he was technically in his dorms. His parents knew exactly where he was. While he was confused, he also felt angry. He didn't think Sirius should have reacted that way and embarrassed him. He also didn't like how angry Sirius was.
Harry and Sirius walked in tense silence to the Marauder Quarters. When they got there, Sirius had made sure Harry walked in before him. Remus was waiting on the couch.
While Sirius had calmed down some during the walk, it only caused Harry to become more irritated.
"Harry, I'm glad you're back. Please sit down," Remus said, smiling at him and gesturing to the couch.
Harry stomped over to the couch and sat down, crossing his arms.
Sirius sat down on the other side of the couch and Remus' eyes darted between them. Remus then sighed and said, "Sirius, what happened?"
Sirius, much to Harry's surprise, blushed a little. "I was rather upset."
"I could see that. I didn't want you going there for that very reason." Remus' mouth turned into a thin line.
"Look, we can talk about that later but can we please address Harry first?" Sirius asked.
Remus knew that they did need to address Harry being out late and why it was a big deal so he nodded.
"Harry, we were worried about you when you weren't home at the time we discussed. Are you okay? Did something happen?" Remus asked, leaning forward.
"I was with my friends! I don't know why you're making this a big deal. I was literally in my dorm with my friends and you could see where I was on the map. Why are you both so upset? You were out past curfew all the time!"
"We're not talking about us right now, Harry," Sirius said firmly.
Harry huffed and crossed his arms tighter.
Remus sighed and said, "We could see you. However, we still worried. Can we explain why it's a bigger deal than it has been in the past?"
Harry nodded.
"We were worried because last time you were in your dorms you were not in the healthiest frame of mind. We could see you and your friends on the map, but we had no idea why you weren't coming back. Still, we just wanted to get you when it went past curfew, about an hour after you should have been back."
"I, uh, was rather worried when I got you," Sirius admitted. "I got myself worked up on the walk there thinking of everything that could've gone wrong. I didn't mean to embarrass you."
Harry sighed. He understood why his uncles were worried. He didn't exactly have the best track record right now. "I didn't mean to be out past when I was supposed to, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I promise though, I had a good reason!"
"Can you tell us?" Remus asked patiently.
Harry nodded and took a breath."I was talking to Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Neville. I told them, well, Neville knew, about what was going on." Harry said quietly.
Remus' face broke out into a smile. He got out of his chair and bent down in front of Harry. He took his hands in his and made sure he looked into his eyes. "Harry, I am so proud of you. You are so brave. I know that took a lot of strength. I am so proud of you."
Harry blushed but nodded. He was exhausted from that conversation; it was difficult.
"How about this, we won't punish you for being out past curfew because you were very brave in telling your friends? We will have another conversation about why it's important to not be out past curfew but no detention or grounding. Deal?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded. He was fine with that.
"I'm sorry again Pup. I was so worried."
"I understand, Dadfoot. Just try not to do it again?" Harry asked hopefully.
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "If you're not out past curfew then I won't."
Harry rolled his eyes; he should have expected that response.
Remus shook his head at the two boys. "How about some hot chocolate before bed? I can tell you a story about when Sirius was caught out of bed by Professor McGonagall in his fifth year."
"You wouldn't!" Sirius said as his head shot to look at his husband.
"Oh, but I would," Remus replied with a smile.
"Well I'll get the hot chocolate and I might just slip something in yours!" Sirius said turning up his nose.
Remus chuckled and shook his head, knowing his husband was joking.
As Sirius made his way into the kitchen, Remus turned back to Harry. "Harry, how are you doing?"
"I'm okay, Moony Da. I promise." Harry replied earnestly.
"Truly? No bad thoughts?" Remus asked.
Harry blushed a little and shook his head. "No, Moony Da. I'm alright. No bad thoughts." Harry assured him.
Remus' face broke into a relieved smile. "Good. I'm so proud of you."
Sirius came back in the room now with three steaming mugs floating their way. "Courtesy of the kitchen." He said with a smile.
Harry and Remus took their mugs and Sirius grabbed his.
"Now, about that story?" Harry asked mischievously, getting comfortable on the couch.
"Oh, yes," Remus began, smiling.
Harry couldn't help but smile as he listened to the story and spent time with his parents. Sure, he missed his friends, but he knew that moments like these were what he lived for. He loved these men and deep down inside of Harry, he knew that they loved him too. And that was enough.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget