Author's Note: TW for references to and mentions of self-harm. Thanks for reading and (hopefully) reviewing! I'm glad you are here. You are important, worthy, and oh so loved.
Urgwaew: Thanks for your review! I totally understand not having the energy to review- happens to me all the time! I am always so thankful for your thoughtful and insightful comments! I also appreciate your support! I'm so glad you liked the chapter! I definitely thought of you when writing it and I'm so very glad you enjoyed Draco and Sev! They aren't in this chapter, but they will be in the next (at least one of them). And I am SO thankful for you pointing out my errors! What happened was that I originally wrote Harry going to Charms, but then I realized that I had Harry in Arithmancy as his class after potions so I changed it, but I forgot to change Flitwick to Vector! I also (in my own head) was thinking that electives would have all four classes for each year (so all the fifth years who take Arithmancy would be together). I don't know if they do that in canon, but I feel like the classes would be super small otherwise. Thanks so much for your affirmations and love. You are so appreciated!
Harry made it through the rest of Monday rather well and there were no incidents Monday night. Harry was awake on time for Tuesday classes (Ron remembered that a silencing charm would be put up this time).
On Tuesday he had Defense with Sirius. Harry went to the classroom they usually have defense in. He was immediately greeted by a bone-crushing hug from Sirius.
"Dadfoot!" Harry moaned into his godfather. "You're kind of crushing me."
Sirius squeezed a bit harder before letting go, "Sorry, Pup. I missed you!"
"Dadfoot," Harry said, flattening down his hair and robes when he was let go, "I have only been in the dorms for two nights and you've seen me in the Great Hall. And I'm back tonight."
"You can't blame your godfather for missing you!" Sirius said, putting his hands on his hips.
"I guess not," Harry sighed, teasing Sirius.
"Cheeky teen," Sirius growled playfully.
Harry chuckled and gave Sirius a side hug. "What are we doing today?"
"I thought it would be a fun way to start the term with a duel," Sirius said, smiling.
"Wicked!" Harry replied. He's always enjoyed dueling his godfather.
"Obviously no spells that will seriously maim or injure, but some hexes are okay. For example, I don't want you to use a major cutting hex, but something that might scrape me is okay. Nothing that will cause third-degree burns, but minor blisters are okay. You can't just disarm me. Does that make sense?"
Harry was still excited but felt some apprehension at Sirius' words. They've always kept their duels relatively light; this would be their most serious one yet. "Yeah, it does. Um, if I'm allowed to ask, what are you doing to me?"
Sirius gave him a reassuring smile. "You're always allowed to ask questions, Harry. Always. I was going to do the same to you if that is okay? I don't want to do anything you're not comfortable with right now."
Harry nodded. He knew that Sirius wouldn't hurt him (badly, at least).
"Let's do a warm-up and then begin, okay?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded and Sirius waved his wand and some targets came out. Both Sirius and Harry aimed some spells at the targets for a few minutes before they examined them and then Sirius banished them.
"Alright, Pup. Let's get in position," Sirius said.
Harry walked the 10 paces backward and Sirius said, "Wands at the ready." Harry got in position. "Go!"
Harry immediately dodged Sirius' spell and then cast his own which Sirius was able to block. Harry was the first to land a spell on the other person, which was a stinging jinx. Sirius was only a minute behind with a jelly legs jinx. While Sirius was still better than Harry, it was still a decently matched duel. Harry had grown tremendously over the last few months of personal tutoring and was studying it when he had the chance.
Sirius did land some kind of hex on Harry and Harry felt it on his left shoulder. He hissed and gritted his teeth before firing back with a stunner that Sirius dodged. Harry did his best to push past the pain and keep going with the duel. They dueled for another 15 minutes before Sirius finally immobilized Harry.
Harry well to the floor, his legs locked, and panted hard. This duel was at a faster pace than the one with Dumbledore he had at the very beginning and they were using more intense spells.
Sirius was panting, too. He slowly put his wand down when Harry had fallen (but made sure he fell slowly and didn't bump his head). Sirius stood there for a second, canceling the jinxes that had hit him and healing a hex that had slightly scraped his arm, before slowly walking over still trying to catch his breath.
"You did really well, Harry," Sirius said as he got over to him. He released the invisible ropes and helped Harry up.
"You still won," Harry grumbled.
Sirius canceled the jinxes on Harry and then said, "Harry, I'm not lying to you when I say that I just barely won. You will probably be equal to my level within a year. Merlin! What is Albus teaching you?"
Harry's somewhat disappointed face turned into a smirk. "I'm not telling!"
Sirius gasped and put a dramatic hand to his heart. "You won't tell your own professor?"
"No way," Harry replied, shaking his head.
"One point from Gryffindor," Sirius stated haughtily.
"Your own house?!" Harry said, pretending to be shocked.
Harry has heard Sirius give and take points away from every Hogwarts house multiple times. However, Harry knew that Sirius was just teasing him right now and, of course, there was no real reason to take points away.
"Oh, alright. Good point. 15 points to Gryffindor for convincing me," Sirius said, waving his hand.
Harry laughed at Sirius and his logic.
"Now, let's talk about what you did well and how you can grow," Sirius said, sitting down and gesturing for Harry to do the same. They chatted for about 10 minutes about things Harry did well on, like his endurance, quick thinking, and reflexes, as well as ways he can grow (like not playing it safe and working on nonverbal spells). Sirius, being the wonderful teacher and role model he is, also reflected on his own performance and encouraged harry to do the same.
"I know that my spells were aimed well and I used a variety. I also know that I could work on my endurance. What do you think I can improve on?" Sirius asked.
"Er," Harry paused, not wanting to fall into a trap.
"I'm truly asking, Harry. You will need to know the strengths and weaknesses of your opponent to beat them most of the time. For example, I know that you love expelliarmus and I'll be on the lookout for that. Think about my performance. What is something you can do well that I can't? Or something you can do better than me and target me in?"
Harry hadn't thought of that. He was quiet, thinking about how Sirius did. He finally looked up, blushing a little, "Er, uh, I know that my reflexes are really quick, normally quicker than yours. I mean it's because I'm a seeker, you know? But you were a beater so you still have good reflexes! That's not what I'm saying-"
Sirius smiled at Harry. "Harry, it's okay. Just say it," Sirius said gently.
Harry blushed a bit more and said, "Maybe I would cast some spells in different areas so you would have to rely on your reflexes more to block them?"
Sirius nodded. "That's a really good idea, Harry. Your seeking skills are tremendous and most people don't have those. That is something I am not as good at as you in and honestly, neither are most people. That's a strategy you can use in almost any duel."
"I never thought of that!"
Sirius smiled. "Hopefully I teach you a thing or two during your life."
"Of course you do!" Harry protested.
"And Harry, love, just know that you didn't offend or hurt me at all. Remus and I love each other dearly," Sirius chuckled and said, "get it? Deer-ly?"
Harry rolled his eyes and chuckled before saying, "Yes, I get it. I'm sure my dad is laughing in Heaven. Now, make your point Dadfoot."
"Right, yes," Sirius said, clearing his throat. "Remus and I love each other very much and we still push each other to be better and that includes praising them and working on their weaknesses together. For example, we, including Albus and Remus, are going to work on nonverbal spells this term in Defense with you. That way you can become even better. You don't have to worry about offending me or Remus or Albus, even. Answer the question honestly because chances are we know our weaknesses as well. Anyone who duels needs to be self-reflective and aware. I'm sure Remus will assign an essay on that."
"Why not you?" Harry asked, half-teasing.
"First of all, I have enough to grade. Second of all, I know for a fact that he will assign it and I'll leave him to the paperwork."
Harry chuckled and shook his head. "That's Professor Lupin for you."
Sirius chuckled and then looked at harry seriously. "You did really well, Pup. I am so proud of you."
Sirius leaned over to hug Harry. Harry went to hug back but hissed as Sirius' arm went over his left shoulder.
Sirius froze and then removed his arms and quickly started to scan Harry's face. "Pup, are you okay? Did I hurt you?"
"No, I'm fine," Harry tried to protest.
In reality, he knew his shoulder was hurting. While it hurt, it didn't bother him. In fact, it was something to focus on. Harry might've gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for the use of the forbidden 'f-word'.
Sirius' face hardened a bit with determination and he moved closer to Harry and went to examine his shoulder.
"Dadfoot, it's okay-" Harry tried, not needing or wanting Sirius to see.
"Harry," Sirius simply said.
However, Harry knew that tone. Harry didn't dare argue with that tone.
Sirius gently put his hands on Harry's arm and shoulder and felt around his shoulder. Harry was able to bite back any sounds, but Sirius didn't miss him stiffening up. Sirius gently pulled back the collar of Harry's t-shirt and gasped. Sirius waved away Harry's shirt (much to Harry's dismay) and softly put his hands back on his arm and shoulder.
"Pup," Sirius breathed, taking a few steps to see Harry's shoulder.
The hex that Sirius landed had caused whip-like lashes around Harry's shoulder.
Harry's tried to shrug off the hands, but Sirius wasn't about to let this go that easy. "Why didn't you say anything? We could've stopped the duel for this. Merlin, I thought it missed you and I certainly didn't intend this."
"Dadfoot, it's okay. I'm okay. It's not a big deal," Harry tried to reason.
"Harry, you're hurt. That's a big enough deal to mention it to me."
"It didn't bother me though," Harry said.
"Didn't it hurt?" Sirius asked.
"Well yes, but it's not that big of a deal!"
Sirius opened his mouth again before shutting it. He looked at Harry for a while and then looked away. He walked to the wall and back, thinking. Harry stood there. After the first ten seconds, he started fidgeting with his sleeves, feeling nervous.
Sirius eventually walked over to Harry and said, "I'm guessing you don't want to be healed by Poppy?"
Harry shook his head. He didn't want his Aunt Poppy to see his scars, not yet, anyway.
"Alright, Pup. Let's get Moony to heal you. Come on," Sirius said softly.
"Dadfoot I don't need it!" Harry argued.
Sirius smiled sadly at Harry which worried the teenager a bit. "I know you don't think you do. I want you healthy, though. Come on, love."
Harry still didn't want to be healed, but he was a bit puzzled and concerned at Sirius' words and actions. They walked in silence for a bit before Harry finally asked quietly, "Dadfoot? Did I do something wrong?"
"No! Pup, no! Not at all!" Sirius assured him, stopping and looking into Harry's eyes.
"You're, You're not mad?"
Sirius could hear the worry in Harry's voice. He pulled the teenager aside and bent down, speaking to him softly. "You did nothing wrong, Harry. I didn't mean to worry you. I'm not mad or disappointed, okay? I just want you to tell me when you're hurt or hurting, no matter how insignificant it may seem."
Harry nodded, relieved that Sirius wasn't mad.
"Good. Now, let's keep going."
Sirius led Harry to Remus' office. Harry was due to have his session with him after Defense anyways, so Remus was free.
"Sirius! Harry! You're early. I'm glad to see you. Come in!" Remus said, standing up from his desk and going to the door. As Remus was walking, he could sense the emotions of Sirius and Harry. He saw Sirius concerned face and wrinkled his brow at him, but made sure he smiled at Harry. Remus shut the door behind them and made his way to his spot in the armchair.
"How did the lesson go today?" Remus asked Harry.
Harry shrugged and turned away. In reality, it was a fun and informative lesson. However, Remus also knew something was going on. He wasn't sure what, but something was.
"What's going on?" Remus asked softly.
"Ask Dadfoot," Harry replied. He didn't say it with attitude (shockingly), but he genuinely didn't know what was so concerning.
Remus turned to look at Sirius who said, "First of all, we need you to heal some marks on Harry's shoulder."
"Of course," Remus replied, standing up and grabbing his medical box.
"Harry, I'm going to take off your shirt again, okay?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded, giving his consent.
Sirius waved his wand and Harry's shirt came off.
Remus gently examined the wounds before waving his wand, mostly healing them. "Alright Harry, I took care of most of it. Your pain should have gone down, correct?"
"Yes, Moony Da," Harry replied dutifully.
"Good. I have a salve to rub in them now to help any lasting pain go away as well as any marks that are left, alright?"
"Alright," Harry complied.
Remus gently and lovingly rubbed the salve on Harry's shoulder before putting his supplies away and cleaning his hands. "You're all set, Cub."
Sirius waved Harry's shirt back on and Harry muttered, "Thank you."
"Now, how did that happen?" Remus asked.
"Dueling," Sirius admitted. Before Remus could say anything Sirius said, "I didn't mean for it to affect Harry like that. I also didn't know about it until the duel was over."
Remus just wanted a clear explanation. "Sirius, what happened?"
Sirius explained the duel and how Harry didn't tell Sirius that he was hurt. "I didn't even know he was injured until I hugged him. When I confronted him he told me that it didn't bother him, but admitted to being in pain."
"Ah, I see," Remus replied. He was quiet and thought for a moment. He studied Harry before saying, "Thank you, Sirius. I am going to talk to Harry now."
Sirius nodded and Remus said, "Alone."
"Moony?!" Sirius said, clearly upset.
Remus held up a hand and said, "Sirius, I have to talk to Harry alone right now."
"B-but I'm worried! And-"
Remus cut his husband off. "Sirius, your feelings are valid. However, we aren't going to do this in front of Harry. Come here." Remus led Sirius out to the waiting area. Remus cast charms on the room to notify him if Harry does anything and then shut the door almost all the way and set up a silencing charm around them.
"Remus, I don't understand," Sirius admitted.
"Sirius, love, I know you're worried about Harry. I also know what you're thinking about. Harry is not me. This is not that full moon you're thinking about."
"Remus! I don't want him to hurt himself!"
"I know. I'm going to talk to him. I don't think he even realizes what he's doing. You need to take a step back and calm down so you can be there for Harry when we're done. We can talk later, okay?"
Sirius took a minute. He turned around and took a few steps, breathing deep. He turned back around and walked towards the therapist and ran a hand through his hair. "Yeah, okay."
"Good," Remus smiled. "I want you to go back to our quarters and stay there. I'll check on you after, yes?"
"Alright. Thanks, love," Sirius said.
Remus kissed Sirius and watched him walk out of the room before turning around and going back into his office.
"Moony Da, what is going on with Dadfoot? Am I in trouble or something?" Harry asked immediately once Remus shut the door.
"Not at all! Not at all, Cub," Remus assured him.
"Then why was Dadfoot acting so strange?"
Remus gave the teenager a small smile and said, "I have a story for you."
Harry nodded and got comfortable on the couch, pulling a blanket over him.
"After the incident in fifth year with Severus, things changed. One full moon a few months after the incident, for whatever reason, Poppy wasn't there. I had decided that my injuries weren't severe enough to go to the hospital wing. I had shielded my wounds away from your dad and Peter and I wasn't talking to Sirius still. I kept my injuries a secret. They were causing me pain, but I felt like I was okay and it gave me something to focus on."
Harry nodded. He felt that same way with his injury in the duel.
"However, instead of getting better after the full moon, I got worse. I contributed it to getting sick or being overworked. I didn't think much about it. It wasn't until a little over a week later I woke up with a high fever, chills, and a ton of pain. Your dad, James, got Madame Pomfrey. It turns out that a wound on my leg was infected. I had to stay in the hospital wing for a week and Poppy told me that if I had gone a few days longer hiding it I would have probably lost my leg."
Harry gasped and Remus nodded solemnly.
"I was also given a stern talking to by Minerva. She didn't just talk to me about hiding my injuries, but also about how it was a form of self-harm."
Remus paused and looked at Harry to gauge his reaction. Harry seemed a bit confused and uncomfortable but was listening intently.
"She told me that even though I wasn't in my right mind while the wound was inflicted, I was still in pain and didn't bother to tell anyone. I wasn't taking care of myself by hiding an injury. She helped show me that I didn't care enough about myself at that time to get help or to help myself. I was comfortable with the pain and leaning into it, just like I did when I purposefully self-harmed."
"B-but I wasn't trying to! Moony Da! I didn't mean to!" Harry cried out.
"Oh, Cub, I know," Remus said, moving over next to Harry. "I wasn't telling you that story to blame you or make you feel bad. I did the exact same thing you did. I know you didn't mean to do anything to hurt yourself. I know that. Do you understand why I told the story?"
Harry nodded. "Just because I don't inflict the pain on myself doesn't mean I'm not still harming myself."
Remus nodded. "There is a whole spectrum of self-harm, Harry. It can include many things. Causing yourself to bleed isn't the only way of self-harm."
Harry nodded, thinking. "Is that a reason you were so picky with what I was eating?"
Remus gave him a small smile and nodded. "Exactly. Eating too little or not eating or eating too much to the point of pain can also be a form of self harm."
"It was something I could control," Harry admitted quietly, looking down.
Remus took Harry's hands into his own and said, "I totally understand. We all want some control in our life and your actions and feelings are valid and understandable. You are doing so well right now and we are so proud of you."
"Dadfoot just seemed so off."
"He was thinking about what happened with me. Merlin, Harry. He loves you more than anything else in this whole world. I don't know what he'd do if something happened to you. He saw similarities and that scared him. I'm going to talk to him later, though. Don't worry."
"Moony Da, I really wasn't trying to hurt myself," Harry said again.
"I know. I know. As I said, you are doing so well. Don't let this get you down. We're all learning. And besides, athletes often do this with injuries. I'm sure you've seen in Quidditch some of your teammates shrug off an injury that they probably should have looked at."
Harry nodded thinking of several instances.
"You're used to people doing this. Now you know that it's important to speak up when you're feeling pain anytime so someone can help you. We love you so much, Harry. So much."
"I love you too, Moony Da." Harry said, leaning into Remus.
Once they pulled apart, they had the rest of their therapy session. Most of it strayed away from heavier things and they talked about Harry's classes until it was time for Harry to go to lunch.
"I'll see you tonight at dinner, alright? We'll meet after dinner in the Marauder Quarters?" Remus said, standing up.
"Sounds good. See ya, Moony Da! Love you!"
"Love you too," Remus called as he opened the door and Harry scurried out.
Remus smiled and shook his head at Harry before locking up his office and heading to his quarters.
When Remus arrived, Sirius was nowhere to be found. Remus heard a muffled grunt and headed to the lower level. He saw Sirius punching the punching bag.
Remus' first thought was how sexy Sirius looked but he pushed that away because he knew he needed to comfort his husband. "Sirius, love?" Remus called out.
Sirius turned his head and saw Remus. He took the gloves off and dropped them which banished the punching bag. "Hey, Remy. How's Harry?"
"He's good. He's off to lunch right now."
"He's good?" Sirius echoed.
"Yes, he's good," Remus confirmed.
"But how?" Sirius asked.
"Sirius, come here. Sit down," Remus said, sliding down the wall and patting the spot next to him.
Sirius conjured a towel and wiped his face and sat down next to Remus.
"Sirius, love, Harry isn't me. He wasn't even trying to hurt himself. Sure, he didn't disclose his injury, but he wasn't in danger of ending up in the hospital wing." Sirius opened his mouth but Remus kept talking. "I was hell-bent on hurting myself back then. Harry's handling things so much better right now. He may have not minded the pain, but he didn't inflict it on himself and it wasn't a wound that could get infected. Sirius, I am okay. I have my leg and I am healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. This situation is different than what happened back then. We are okay."
Sirius nodded and thought for a moment before saying, "But he still didn't tell us he was hurting! That worries me, Rem."
Remus nodded. "I know, and I agree. However, how many times did you and James get hurt playing Quidditch and just "walk it off" and not get help."
"That's different!"
"Is it? Harry was in class and it was done to him by his teacher and dad, so he thought you were aware of it when it happened. I'm not blaming you in any way, but Harry is surrounded by people who shrug injuries off in Quidditch and he's heard it in our stories from when we were younger. I had a conversation with him about it. He knows what we expect now. He also knows that he can hurt himself in more ways than just making himself bleed, like by not eating."
"I'm glad you brought that up."
"Thank you. Harry was receptive to it all, Sirius. He also okayed me to have this conversation with you. He's doing well. I'm doing well. We're good, Love."
Sirius leaned over and kissed Remus before pulling away. "Thank you. Thank you so much," Sirius whispered.
"Of course," Remus reassured him. "Now, let's have some lunch before you go back to the punching bag. I was enjoying the show."
Sirius smirked and said, "Well, I can't wait for that."
The rest of the day flew by and after dinner in the Great Hall, Harry headed back to the Marauder Quarters. Remus and Sirius were there before him and once again Sirius swept him up in a hug.
"Dadfoot, it's been a few hours," Harry choked out.
"I still missed you!"
"Moony Da," Harry pleaded, still in the clutches of the hug.
"Okay, Sirius, let him breathe, please," Remus smiled.
Sirius reluctantly let go and ruffled Harry's hair. "Pup, can I talk to you for a minute before you start your homework?"
"Sure, but then I gotta get started. I'm really tired."
"Are you getting enough sleep?" Remus asked, worried.
"Remus, he's 15 and in a boy's dorm, of course, he's not. He's okay, though, remember?" Sirius said.
"Touché," Remus replied, rolling his eyes at Sirius.
Harry sat down on the couch and Sirius sat next to him. He turned to Harry and said, "Pup, I know I acted a bit odd earlier."
Harry nodded.
"Now, Moony told you about what happened his fifth year?"
Harry nodded again, giving a loving smile to Remus.
"I was just so worried, Harry, that something like that would happen to you. I remember what Moony did and it broke my heart that he wouldn't take care of himself. I want you to take care of yourself. You are so important to me and I love you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. I was so worried and saw so many parallels that I didn't think clearly. I'm sorry I worried you. Moony talked to me and calmed me down. I just want you to take care of yourself, alright?"
"I will, Dadfoot, I promise. I love you, too."
Sirius leaned in and kissed Harry on the head and whispered some words in his ear before patting his back and said, "Get to it. I want you to get some sleep."
"Yes, Dadfoot," Harry said dutifully, heading to his room.
Some things never changed.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat