Author's Note: Thanks for your patience with this chapter! The words were in my head but I had to find the motivation to write them down. Don't worry, this story is an important coping mechanism for me and I will never abandon it! I appreciate each of you so much! TW for past child abuse and references to self-harm. I am so glad you are here! You matter! You are an important part of this wild world and make it better. You are loved!
Urgwaew: Your review is so kind! I'm so sorry for the week in between chapters, but I hope you've been doing better! You are such a light in my life and I look forward to each review! You're so right, we can't just stop everything because we stubbed a toe. There is such a fine line and I'm sure for those who struggle with SH the line is even thinner. I am so glad you appreciated my comment about Remus saying he was "hell-bent on hurting himself". When I wrote that it really stuck with me so I'm glad it touched you, too. Thanks for everything and I am sending you love!
James Birdsong: Thanks so much for your review! I am so glad you're enjoying the story!
After his homework, Harry quickly got ready for bed. He was rather tired. Harry patted himself on the back for remembering not to do a silencing charm. He knew his parents would not be happy if they found out that Harry was using them. Harry wasn't trying to upset them, but also didn't want to disturb his dorm mates.
However, since he didn't put one up tonight, he found himself being woken up by his godparents.
"Harry?! Harry, love, you're safe. Moony Da and Dadfoot are here," Remus said.
The men had Harry sandwiched in between them and were comforting him softly, not wanting to scare him anymore. It took longer than usual for Harry to come out of his nightmare, but he did eventually. Harry recognized the voices of his godparents and started to calm down. He ended up leaning against Sirius' chest, panting.
"You're safe, Cub. You're safe," Remus repeated, lovingly rubbing Harry's hand.
"That sounded like a rough one," Sirius commented softly.
"Yeah," Harry agreed, still panting.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius asked gently.
Harry squeezed his eyes shut. He really didn't.
"I don't- I can't-" Harry stammered.
"It's alright, Love. Take some breaths," Remus said.
Harry nodded and relaxed again against Sirius.
"I'm going to get us some hot chocolate, alright?" Remus said.
Sirius and Harry nodded and Remus got off the bed and went to the kitchen.
"It's always so real," Harry admitted after several minutes.
Sirius nodded and hummed, the rumbling of his chest comforting Harry. "I am so sorry, Pup. Was it a vision?"
"No. Just a nightmare. But a bloody terrible one."
"Just keep calming down, Bub, You're doing well," Sirius praised.
A couple of minutes of silence later, Remus came back with three steaming mugs of hot chocolate. Harry took him and stayed against Sirius for about half of it until he felt grounded enough to move.
It was quiet, the men giving Harry his space. Most of a mug of hot chocolate later, Harry began to speak. "This time it wasn't just Voldemort. I mean it was at first. I was battling him after being tortured."
Most people flinch at this nightmare. Unfortunately, Remus and Sirius are far used to this.
"However, when I was battling him, he morphed into people. He morphed into you both and my friends. He just kept saying things. Then he, or you, or whoever it was, crucio-ed me and kept saying those awful things."
"What were we saying, Cub?" Remus asked gently.
"I-I don't want to say it. Please don't make me say it. It was bad enough the first time. Please!" Harry cried, becoming emotional again.
Harry turned his head into Sirius and Sirius wrapped his arms around him. "Shh, you're okay, Pup. You're safe."
"You don't have to say it, Harry. It's okay. Whatever we were saying I'm sure we were wrong. We are glad you are here. You make our life better. You can do anything you set your mind to. You are an amazing son. We are proud of you." Remus listed off validations and praise, not knowing what Harry's nightmare said.
Harry just sniffed and stayed in Sirius.
Remus was rather worried. Harry rarely had that reaction when asked about a nightmare. Sometimes he refused, but never so emotionally. He also knew that he could ask Harry about it later, but now wasn't the time. They just needed to be there for Harry.
Sirius and Remus stayed there silently with Harry, comforting him. Eventually, Harry's body finally relaxed and he yawned.
"Getting tired, Cubby?" Remus asked. He hadn't used that nickname in years.
Harry was too drained, tired, and emotional to even react. He just nodded, closing his eyes once more.
"Why don't you try to go back to sleep?" Sirius suggested.
"I don't wanna," Harry protested sleepily.
"We will be right here for you, Harry. We aren't going anywhere," Remus assured him.
"Clear your mind, Harry. Get on your broom and start flying. Do your loops," Sirius suggested.
Harry nodded and closed his eyes, snuggling further into Sirius.
Sirius smiled and stroked the boy's head, soothing him as he fell asleep.
Remus and Sirius did stay there for Harry. Harry shifted shortly after he fell asleep and they carefully moved him to his pillow. Sirius and Remus popped into their animagus forms. Both slept on the bed with Harry.
Luckily, Harry didn't have any more nightmares.
Remus got up first to make breakfast and get the house ready for the other two. He woke Sirius up next and ushered him into a hot shower while having fresh coffee brewing so Sirius could have some when he was out of his shower.
Remus went to Harry next. He sat on the edge of his bed and rubbed Harry's arm until Harry flickered open his eyes.
"Hi, Cub. Good morning," Remus said softly with a smile.
Harry moaned in response, burying his head back into the pillow.
"Do you want to rest today or go to class? Whatever works for you, Cub," Remus told him, stroking his head.
Harry wanted to rest. He didn't want to leave his bed and he was oh-so-tired. However, he also wanted to convince his parents that he was okay.
"I-I'll go to class," Harry croaked out, trying to open his eyes.
"Are you sure?" Remus asked, the worry evident in his voice. Remus' eyes were creased with concern for his cub. He knew that Harry must be exhausted.
Harry closed his eyes again and nodded before opening them and starting to sit up. "Yeah, I can do it."
"If you're sure. Let me start your shower for you, okay? Take your time getting ready. We can always write you a pass."
Harry nodded and let out a noise of appreciation before putting his head back on the pillow.
A few minutes later, Remus stuck his head in again. "Cub? Cub? Are you awake?"
Harry had fallen back asleep but awoke at Remus' voice. "What? How long has it been?" Harry asked, rolling himself out of his bed and onto the floor.
"Harry," Remus said, shaking his head and hurrying over to where Harry rolled out.
"It's really okay for you to sleep today. It's only been a few minutes, you're okay on time."
Harry nodded and began to stumble to the bathroom. Remus shook his head at his son, but all he could do was support him. He couldn't force Harry to stay home. I mean, he could, but he wasn't going to. He knew that he and the other Marauders have gone to classes that tired before and Harry was old enough to decide if he should go or not. He was going to support Harry either way.
The shower helped wake Harry up and despite not planning on taking extra time to get ready, he needed it. Remus wrote Harry a pass for potions and Harry would've run the whole way if Remus didn't walk him there (which is precisely why he did).
"If you need to rest, just let us know," Remus reminded Harry.
"I know, I know. But no other student gets to do that so why should I?" Harry asked.
"I know you don't like being The Boy Who Lived, but no one else in this castle has to have nightmares with Voldemort and has to defeat him so I'd lean into that if I were you. Besides, I have written notes and passes for students under my care before when I felt like they needed to rest."
"Really?" Harry asked, looking up at Remus as they walked.
"Really," Remus confirmed, smiling down at him.
Harry pondered that as they walked to potions.
"Here's your pass. Love you, Cub," Remus said quietly before Harry walked into the lab.
Harry gave Remus a quick hug and took the pass. "Love you too, Moony Da. See you."
Remus smiled as Harry hurried into the classroom. Not that Harry knew, but Remus waited outside the classroom for a few minutes to make sure Harry settled in properly and didn't come out upset.
Harry made his way into the classroom quickly with his head down. Snape stopped talking as Harry approached his desk. "Here's a pass, Sir," Harry said quietly.
Snape huffed and rolled his eyes, but Harry saw the concern behind his act.
"Mr. Potter, you will work with Mr. Malfoy again today. At least I know he won't blow anything up."
"Yes, Sir," Harry replied, putting his head down and heading over to the table with Draco.
Draco immediately put up another muffliato when Harry got there and said, "Bloody hell you look exhausted."
"Don't remind me," Harry replied, getting his things out for class.
"Don't you want to sleep?"
Harry bit back a harsh retort. He was tired of that question. He took a deep breath and said, "Listen, I just need to go to classes today, okay?"
Draco could tell there was more to the story and didn't want to push it. "Okay, sure. Start chopping this up," Draco said, handing over some belladonna.
Harry did and was grateful to work silently with someone who wasn't going to bug him and continue to pester him. They completed the potion in time and effectively, which Harry was relieved about, but his relief didn't last long.
"Mr. Potter, stay behind," Snape drawled.
Some of the Slytherins chuckled and the Gryffindors gave him sympathetic looks. Draco seemed to want to stay, but a look from Snape put an end to it.
"You going to be okay?" Draco whispered. "I can stay if you really want me to."
"It's okay. You don't deserve his wrath. I'll see you later," Harry whispered back.
Draco gave Harry a reassuring smile as he left.
Snape watched as the room emptied and he shut and locked the door and put up a silencing charm.
"Sorry I was late, Sir," Harry replied.
"Do not make a habit of it. I did read your pass, however, and I have eyes and I can see that you haven't gotten enough sleep."
Harry looked away, blushing.
"Was it a nightmare?" Snape asked, almost gently.
Harry was quiet for an extended moment before nodding his head and muttering, "Yes, Sir."
Snape studied Harry for a long moment before saying, "We will start half an hour earlier on Saturday. Make sure you've read the book. And for Merlin's sake, Potter, get some rest."
"Yes, Sir," Harry replied.
"Off to class," Snape dismissed, waving his hand.
Harry nodded and scurried away. He knew that that was Snape showing care in a way that he knew how, but Harry was simply too tired to think about it. All he had to do was get through his classes today. Besides, Saturday would come soon enough and Harry would be happy to put that off as long as possible.
Harry went through the motions for the rest of the day. Being as tired as he was, he totally forgot it was a dorm night considering the schedule was still new to him. Harry passed out at 8 PM that night. He had a nightmare around midnight but was able to fall back asleep shortly after. When he awoke the next morning he was still tired, but feeling much better than he did the day before.
"Good morning, Cub," Remus said as Harry stumbled into the kitchen.
Harry moaned in reply and took a sip of the tea that was waiting for him on the table.
"Sleep well?" Remus asked.
"Better than last night," Harry replied honestly after a few more sips.
"Don't forget we have our appointment today," Remus reminded him.
"I won't. Thanks for the reminder," Harry replied, taking another sip.
"Morning, Pup," Sirius said as he came into the kitchen, kissing Harry's head.
"Hi, Dadfoot," Harry replied.
"Did you get some sleep?"
"Yes, I did. Merlin, I was tired," Harry replied.
Remus and Sirius exchanged a look and Harry noticed. "What? What was that for?" Harry asked suspiciously.
"Well, some of your friends were worried about you last night and sent Neville down here," Remus began.
"Why would they be- OH! Ugh, I totally forgot," Harry groaned, holding his head in his hands.
"It's alright. We told him that you were perfectly alright, just tired and fell asleep. They didn't mind at all, they were just worried."
"Ugh, I'm sorry," Harry moaned.
"Don't be sorry! You certainly got better sleep here than you would have there. You can make it up some other night. We enjoy having you here, not to worry," Remus said, rubbing Harry's back.
Harry nodded and then went back to his breakfast.
Remus and Sirius exchanged another look, but Harry didn't see this one.
"Harry, Pup, if you need to miss History today, that's okay. If you need to rest or your session goes over that's perfectly fine," Sirius said conversationally.
"Hmm. Okay, thanks, Dadfoot," Harry replied, not even thinking.
Remus and Sirius were relieved that Harry didn't overreact about that. They wanted him to get some rest, but they didn't want to seem too overbearing.
"Come on, Pup. Eat up!" Sirius said as Harry started to zone out again.
"Oh, right, yes," Harry said, shoving toast in his mouth.
"There's our Prongslet," Sirius replied, beaming.
Remus rolled his eyes and chuckled and Harry just shook his head and proceeded to shove more food in his mouth. Being at home wasn't that bad at all.
It wasn't long before it was time for Harry's session.
"Professor Lupin?" Harry asked, knocking on the slightly ajar door.
"Harry, please come in!" Remus replied, smiling and looking up.
Harry smiled back and walked in, shutting the door behind him.
"How have your morning classes been?" Remus asked as he picked up some items from his desk and headed over to his armchair.
"Good. Professor McGonagall was worried about me, though. Said I looked tired. I told her I was okay but then Seamus spoke up and said that she should've seen me yesterday." Harry blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "She may, uh, be contacting you about that."
Remus chuckled and shook his head, writing something down. "She does protect her lions. Thanks for the warning, Cub."
"Anytime," Harry replied, fidgeting with a toy Remus had set out for him.
They chatted a bit more before it was quiet and Remus spoke up. "Do you think you want to talk about the nightmare from last night?"
Harry immediately froze up and his face became like a stone. "I-I don't want to."
"Okay, that's okay. I'm not going to make you. I think it would help to talk about it, but we can try again another day, okay?" Remus asked kindly, trying to catch Harry's eye.
Harry nodded, looking up at Remus when he realized he needed to make eye contact before quickly looking back down again.
"Later this week you have an Occlumency lesson. How are you feeling about that?"
Harry still didn't love this topic, but he knew by now that therapy wasn't always full of comfortable topics. In fact, it was typically uncomfortable.
"Er, worried. I just can't help but think of what's happened before. And I've been doing so well with Dadfoot! We haven't had an issue!"
Remus nodded. "You're right. You have been doing so well with Dadfoot. Between that and the nightmares we thought it was time to step it up a little. Just like defense. You're good at 5th year but there's no reason to keep you there when we can challenge you to do more."
"I get it, I do. I just don't like it," Harry pouted.
"That makes sense. You're allowed to feel everything you feel about it. Dadfoot and I will be right there. No matter what happens, we are right next to you," Remus reminded him.
"Thanks, Moony Da."
"Now, one last important thing to talk about."
Harry sat up and tried to think of something he did or anything else Moony might be concerned about.
Remus chuckled and said, "Harry, it's nothing to worry about. We just have to schedule your 5th-year appointment with me. You know, the one all 5th years have to do."
"I already have career planning with professor McGonagall and you already see me every week," Harry pointed out.
"Yes, but I think it's important to ask certain questions at a separate time."
Harry shrugged. "Okay. When do you want me to do it?"
Remus smiled at Harry and opened his calendar. "Not next week, but the week after? I can have you come in on a Monday or Friday?"
"Sure, whatever works. Just tell me and I'll be there," Harry said, waving his hand. His Moony Da knew basically everything about him and there was no reason to try to be nervous about an appointment when he bares his soul to him each week.
"Sounds good, Cub," Remus said, chuckling and writing something down.
"What else?" Harry asked, yawning.
"You're going to go home and rest," Remus said, standing up and grabbing the bowl of floo powder, and handing it out to Harry.
"But Moony Da-" Harry began.
"Minerva will have my head if you don't rest and you and I both know that."
Harry sighed but nodded. It was true. "Okay. Get me when I'm supposed to be up?"
"Certainly. Rest well, Cub," Remus said, kissing the top of Harry's head.
"Love you, Moony Da."
"I love you too, Harry."
Harry made his way to his room and fell asleep rather quickly, trying to dream of anything besides his Occlumency lesson. He knew that it would be intense.
Harry was rather nervous about his Occlumency on Saturday, but Snape was once again coming to the Marauder Quarters and both of his parents believed in him. Harry was nervously pacing the floor and it didn't help that there was a storm outside. The wind was howling and you could hear some of the snow melt and drip down the window pane.
"Harry, you're going to wear a hole in the floor," Sirius teased him light-heartedly.
"Er, sorry," Harry said, blushing.
"Ignore him, Harry. Is there anything we can do to make you feel better?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head. "Nah. I just want to get this over with," Harry admitted.
"You'll do great. You have been doing so well. I have faith in you," Sirius told Harry, putting his hand on his shoulder.
Harry smiled and went to reply when there was a knock and the window shutters clattered loudly at the same time. Harry literally jumped in the air. Sirius would've laughed if he wasn't so worried about Harry.
"It's alright, Pup. It's just the wind and the door," Sirius replied, leading Harry to the couch to take some deep breaths.
Harry nodded, dazed, and Remus went to answer the door.
"Evening, Severus," Remus greeted warmly.
"Hello," Severus replied in his usual tone. "Are we ready for another Occlumency lesson?"
"Just give him a minute please, Severus. The loud noises just startled Harry," Sirius requested, barely taking his eyes off of Harry.
Harry would've blushed and protested, but he was calming down and that's all he was focused on.
Severus nodded, understanding. He knew that loud noises could spark certain traumas and wanted Harry to be in the right headspace for this lesson. "I'll go get myself some water. One moment."
Remus nodded and then went over to Harry's side as Severus made his way into the kitchen.
"How're you doing, Cub?" Remus asked gently, rubbing Harry's back.
"Better," Harry replied, taking another deep breath. "It just shook me, that's all."
Remus nodded empathetically. He rubbed Harry's arm as Harry kept taking deep breaths.
A few more deep breaths later Harry, in a much stronger voice, said, "I'm better now, really."
"Do you think you can still do the lesson?" Sirius asked.
"I mean I'd love to say no, but yeah, I'm all good," Harry admitted.
Remus and Sirius chuckled and Sirius ruffled Harry's hair.
Severus walked into the room a moment later with a glass of water. "Are you ready, Harry?"
Harry nodded. "Yes, Professor."
"Alright. I hear you have been able to clear your mind?"
Harry nodded. "Yes. Dadfoot has really helped me."
Severus nodded stiffly. "Good. Now, Get into a position and clear your mind."
Harry nodded now. He shifted himself onto the floor but leaned against the couch. Remus placed a blanket on him. Harry got comfortable and closed his eyes.
"Clear your mind, Pup. Get on your broom," Sirius whispered softly.
Harry did just that. He found his calm emotion and allowed it to fill his body. Then, Harry got on his broom and started flying. Time exists differently in one's mind. It could've been thirty seconds or it could've been thirty minutes or somewhere in between when Harry felt a slight tug on his mind. It wasn't that hard to ignore as he kept flying. Really, he's flown in much worse conditions. Every so often the tug would become stronger and Harry would hold on tighter to his broom, concentrating even more on flying. Harry thought he was doing well. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he knew that he'd later longer than he'd ever had before in a lesson with Snape.
However, at one point there was a sharp tug on Harry's mind. That wasn't enough to throw him, but at the exact same time, there was a loud cry of the wind, and the shutters slammed against the castle. Harry felt himself fall off the broom and into nothingness. The wind howled again and a memory came to the forefront of Harry's mind.
2-and-a-half-year-old Harry howled and cried. It was his "bath time".
"Be quiet, you freak! You're lucky we're even giving you one!" Petunia cried as she roughly scrubbed Harry's body with a scratchy washcloth.
Harry squirmed a bit but quieted down. He let out some whimpers until Petunia help him under the water without warning to "wash him off".
Harry fought for air and just until he thought he wouldn't make it, she lifted him back up. Harry gasped for breath and eventually wailed loudly.
"Oh, be quiet! Again with all that hysterics!" Petunia said as she once again lowered Harry's head under the water.
Severus pulled out of Harry's mind as he was rather disturbed by the memory. In addition, the teenage boy was gasping for air as if he was once again being held under the water.
"Harry, you're at Hogwarts, you're safe," Remus tried, speaking calmly to the boy.
Severus had opened his robes and found a calming draught which he gave to Remus who gently coaxed it into Harry's mouth.
Remus bit back a sigh when he saw Harry wasn't responding to the words and potion alone. He quickly maneuvered his way to get behind Harry and wrapped himself around him, continually speaking softly. Sirius popped into Padfoot and made his way on Harry's lap. Padfoot nuzzled into Harry and focused on breathing deeply to try to have Harry's breathing match up with his own.
Harry slowly came back to reality by the pressure on his lap and the soothing words whispered in his ear in addition to the potion.
Harry's breathing started to become more regulated and his face was relaxing. He unclenched his fists and found Padfoot's fur which he raked his hands through.
Remus allowed some silence as Harry kept calming down. When Harry's breathing was close to being regular Remus softly said, "Harry, what's one red thing you can see?"
Harry opened his eyes and looked around. "M-My Gryffindor scarf," Harry choked out, his voice hoarse from the gasping and silent screaming.
"Lovely. What about orange?"
Harry looked around and said, "The's orange on a book."
"Good. What about something yellow?" Remus asked soothingly.
"Th-the scarf again," Harry said, his brain becoming fuzzy again.
"Shh, you're okay. Take some breaths," Remus soothed, squeezing Harry a bit tighter.
Harry closed his eyes and took some breaths. When he was ready he opened his eyes again and looked around. "It's not yellow, but there's a golden snitch above the bookcase," Harry whispered.
"What about green?"
"The plant on the coffee table is green."
"Splendid. Do you see anything blue?"
"You have on a blue cardigan," Harry replied, seeing his sleeve.
"I do. How does it feel?" Remus asked.
Harry leaned into the fuzzy cardigan. "Soft," Harry said, almost smiling with the sensation.
"Good. I'm so glad. Do you see anything purple?"
"The vials of dreamless sleep that are locked away," Harry said.
"And lastly, what about pink?"
"The stomach soother potion is pink. It's locked away, too."
"Nice job, Cub. Take some more deep breaths for me, yeah?"
Harry did as he said, making his breaths deeper. He continued to pet Padfoot. Eventually, he felt his body return and said, "Okay, Moony Da, I-I'm ready to get up now."
"We're just moving you to the couch, alright?" Remus said, still clearly worried.
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Padfoot slowly got off of harry and Remus got out from behind him. Remus helped Harry to the couch where he promptly put the blanket back on Harry and Padfoot went back on.
Severus, during all of this, was standing off to the side. He snuck a sip of the Firewhiskey, appalled once again by the memory. Potter was doing remarkably well until the loud noise and strong pull allowed him into Harry's mind. Severus was going over the events in his head and debated taking one of those pink stomach soothers Harry had pointed out.
Remus had gotten Harry settled before he went over to Severus.
"Are you alright? Whatever it was seemed to be horrible."
"It was deplorable," Snape spat.
"What can I do for you?" Remus asked.
"Nothing. I'm more concerned about Harry," Severus replied.
"What happened?" Remus asked, lowering his voice.
Severus eyed the Firewhiskey bottle and grabbed it before taking a long sip. He then turned back to Remus (who didn't look phased by it) and said, "It was a toddler Harry. He was around 2 or 3 getting a bath. His aunt would shove him under the water and hold him there. She scrubbed him with a raggedy and scratchy washcloth and yell at him if he cried. Harry was gasping for breath and trying to survive."
Remus turned away, his eyes amber. He took some deep breaths and walked a few steps to calm down. He eventually made his way back to Severus and said, "We'll have to see the memory. Vial it if you can later on. Dumbledore should see it, too."
"Agreed," Severus snarled.
Remus took another cleansing breath and went back over to Harry. "How are you doing, Cub?"
"Much better," Harry replied. While his face was still more pale than usual, it had regained some color and his eyes didn't seem as withdrawn and haunted.
"I'm going to make you some hot chocolate, okay? I don't want you moving."
Harry nodded and continued to pet the dog.
Severus did some breathing exercises to calm down. Eventually, he just watched Harry and observed how he was continuing to respond.
When Remus came back with the mug he said, "You did really well, Harry."
Harry scoffed."I certainly wouldn't call that well."
"You did so well. You were startled by a loud noise."
"It sounded like me," Harry replied, the haunted look back in his eyes.
Remus wasn't expecting Harry to open up so soon but went with it. "What did, love?"
"The wind howling. A-and then the shutter and the pull on my mind. It was like it just threw me back into the memory. It was horrible, Moony Da."
"Why were you howling?" Remus asked gently, his hand on Harry's calf.
"Au-aunt Petunia. She was giving me a bath if you can call it that. She was basically dunking me under the water. I- I couldn't breathe. When she finally let me up for air and I was gasping, then howling. I was like two and a half."
"Oh, Cub," Remus said, his heart breaking for him.
"I-I remember hating baths with you all. And I remember what they used to do to me, but I couldn't fight back when I was two. I remember how much fun you tried to have when I was little, trying to get me to like them," Harry said, a ghost of a smile on his face.
Remus smiled warmly at Harry. "I'll have to show you a memory later. It is hilarious and involves all three of us in swim trunks."
Harry chuckled, but it was a bit hollow.
Remus could tell Harry was near his breaking point. While he was doing much better with Snape, he still didn't want to break down in front of him if he didn't have to.
"Severus, is there anything we can do for you? Anything at all?" Remus asked, standing up and walking back over to the man.
"No, thank you. I'll be perfectly adequate in my office," Severus replied.
"And Harry, you did do rather well. I am impressed with your progress. Please don't let this discourage you. Nicely done," Snape said, nodding his head.
If Harry wasn't so traumatized he would have been leaping for joy at that compliment by Snape. Instead, however, Harry smiled feebly at him and said, "Thank you, professor. Have a good night,"
Severus nodded in response and swept out of the room, his robes billowing behind him.
"I'm going to tell Albus and Minerva to check on Severus. I think he needs it," Remus said, conjuring up two patroni and saying a message in them, letting them know that this was a rough Occlumency lesson and someone should check on Snape since both Remus and Sirius were with Harry.
When the wolves went away Remus turned back to Harry.
"How're you doing, Cub?" Remus asked gently, crouching down and looking into Harry's green eyes,
"Moony Da," Harry whispered, his voice cracking and his eyes full of tears.
"Oh, Cub. Oh my cub," Remus breathed. He got on the couch next to Harry and Harry leaned into him. Harry cried into Remus.
"Shh, let it out, Harry. I'm here. Dadfoot is here. You are safe. You are loved."
"I-i-it was so terrible!" Harry cried.
"Oh, love. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. You are safe. You are loved."
Harry stayed with Remus for a while. He would sip his hot chocolate and lean back into the hold. After a long while, Harry whispered, 'Dadfoot?"
Padfoot perked up and leaped off of Harry and turned into Sirius.
"Hi, Love," Sirius said, gently caressing Harry's cheek.
Harry almost jumped forward and enveloped Sirius in a hug. Sirius wrapped his arms tightly around Harry. "I've got you, Pup. I've got you. You're safe."
Harry stayed with Sirius for a while before he broke away and went back to the couch, once again sipping his hot chocolate which always seemed to be warm and full (thank you, magic).
All three stayed there for a while until Harry said, "I told you most of what happened. I just want to be distracted now. C-can we talk about something else?"
"Of course, Harry," Remus said. "I'm proud of you for using your words. Let me tell you a story of Sirius and me when we first got married."
Remus proceeded into telling a light-hearted story about when they both wanted to surprise each other but someone had left the stove on and someone's sign had gotten all wet in the rain along with at least ten other unfortunate things. However, they ended up with takeout on their floor with candles and it was everything they could've wanted.
Sirius yawned at the end of it and cast a Tempus. "It's a little past ten. I think I'm ready to turn in. Harry, how're you doing?"
"Better," Harry replied honestly.
"I love you, so much. Do you need anything else from me?" Sirius asked.
"I-I don't think so," Harry said.
"Okay. You go brush your teeth. Moony and I will be there in a moment."
Harry nodded and walked away.
"I'm so glad he's doing better. Merlin." Sirius said.
"Yeah," Remus said, trailing off.
"You have your therapist face on. What's going on?"
"Something's off," Remus mused.
"He just saw a very traumatic event in his life. Of course, something's off."
"No, but more than that. I-I think he knows, too. Let's give him a moment."
Harry also knew something was off and he knew exactly what it was. In September he would hurt himself when something like this happened with a nightmare. Harry felt like he needed a release, an escape. He finished brushing his teeth and nervously made his way back into the sitting room.
"All set, Pup?" Sirius asked, smiling warmly at him.
Harry wanted to tell him that everything was fine, but he fought against it. "Er, actually, uh Moony Da?" Harry asked, setting his wand down on the coffee table to he wouldn't be tempted by it.
"Yes?"
"Can you do more of those breathing things with me? The, uh, mindfulness? I, um, don't want to, er, can't be, I want to, I, argh!" Harry threw up his hands in frustration not being able to get the words out.
"Shh, take a breath. I understand. I know what you're thinking?"
"You do?" Asked Harry both hopefully and a little ashamed.
"I do. Your feelings are valid and real, but please know that there is no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed. I'm really proud of you. We don't have to talk about it right now since you want to use a strategy, okay?"
Harry nodded, biting his lip.
Sirius wasn't sure what was going on, but he had a pretty good idea when Harry put his wand down and Remus talked about strategies.
"Come 'ere, Cub," Remus said, patting the space on the couch next to him.
Harry shuffled over to the couch and sat down, leaning into Remus.
"Now, look around you," Remus instructed. "What are 5 things you can see?"
"The coffee table, my wand, the bookshelf, the blanket bin, and the stack of games."
"Good," Remus praised warmly. "What are 4 things you can touch?"
"Uhm," Harry looked around. "The blanket, your cardigan, the hot chocolate mug, and Dadfoot."
"Nice job. What about three things you can hear?"
Harry thought for a moment before saying, "I hear the wind outside. I hear the muffled sounds of Hogwarts, you know, creaking and stuff. And I hear... Dadfoot's stomach," Harry added as Sirius' stomach rumbled.
Remus let out a small chuckle and said, "That's true. What about two things you can smell?"
"P-parchment and ink. And Padfoot."
"And one thing you can taste?"
"The hot chocolate mug. And the chocolate bar you have hidden in the bookshelf, but I can see peeking out,"
"Nice job, even if you are a cheeky Cub," Remus teased Harry, tickling him.
Harry was a bit nervous Remus was going to send him off to bed after that, but Remus spoke up and started to do some box breathing with him (breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, release for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and repeat). Remus kept doing breathing exercises and mindfulness with Harry for another hour. Sirius got ready for bed and then came back and joined them. A little while later he popped into Padfoot and curled up on the floor. Harry was more tired now and Remus asked, "How're you feeling, Harry? Any better or more grounded?"
"Yeah, I am. Not perfect but a lot better. Thanks, Moony Da,"
"Oh, it's my pleasure, Harry. I will always, always, always help you when you need it."
"I love you so much, Moony Da," Harry said, snuggling into Remus. He did feel a lot more grounded and the urge had mostly gone away, which he was incredibly thankful for.
"Can I give you some dreamless sleep tonight? I think a good night's rest would do you well."
"Sure," Harry mumbled.
Remus smiled but didn't want to disturb Harry. He threw a spare pillow at Padfoot, who popped into Sirius and stuck his tongue out at Remus. He went to the bookshelf and grabbed a vial of dreamless sleep.
"Here you go, Love," Sirius said softly as he brought the vial near Harry's mouth.
Harry opened his mouth and Sirius slowly tipped the vial back into Harry's mouth. Harry swallowed the potion and closed his eyes, relieved he'll be able to get some sleep tonight.
"Cub? Cub?" Remus asked lightly.
"Mhm?" Harry moaned, a small smile on his face. He was still on Moony, just feeling the need to stay connected to him. He wanted to know he was safe and he knew Moony would keep him safe.
"You're sleeping with us tonight," Remus announced softly. Remus moved his hands and grabbed his wand. He levitated Harry to their bed and Sirius made his way on one side and Remus on the other. For the first time in a long time, all three boys got a good night's sleep with no nightmares to wake them up. Magic sure played a part, but the power of family and love was just as magical.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)