Author's Note: Hi all! TW for references to self-harm, and conversations about suicidal ideation. You! are! amazing! You are loved!
I had major writer's block for this chapter (and the next chapter already, oof), so I hope you enjoy it!
Urgwaew: Thank you so much for your review! I am so glad that you are doing well! I was worried about you and am sending you lots of good vibes! I hope life calms down and I'm honored you reviewed it. I definitely understand not having the energy to review so never stress about that! I appreciate your kind words so much! I am so glad you liked Draco and Sev! There's Draco and Sev in this chapter and I really hope you like it! There will be more animagus soon! I have a major plot point coming up soon and I am looking forward to that. I didn't want it so soon after so much tension (but it was good tension! lol) And four months of writing the story! Wow! I didn't even realize it. Thanks for that! I can't believe it's been that long! Thanks for all the support! You are amazing!
LunePrimus- You have supported me so early on! Bless you!
To both of you and any other reader or commenter- thanks for four months of support and virtual friendship! You do more for me than I can put into words! All my love!
"Do you really have to?" Harry asked.
Harry was sitting in the Marauder Quarters with Remus on the couch and Sirius was finishing up a class. Remus and Harry had finished their session and they were now talking about the next steps.
"It's important that Dadfoot knows. I don't want to do anything without your approval, but he needs to know about this," Remus said apologetically.
"You said lots of people deal with this," Harry protested weakly.
"They do, yeah, but someone is made aware beside myself and always their Head of House. We do contact parents if we feel it's necessary. Harry, I promise, Dadfoot won't overreact. He needs to know your state of mind so we can best help you."
Harry sighed and relented. "I get it, I do. I just kept it to myself for so long it's hard letting other people know."
"I get it, Cub, I do. Dadfoot will be supportive, I promise."
Harry nodded silently and looked away.
"Harry? Would you rather be somewhere else when I tell Dadfoot?"
Harry made eye contact with Remus again and nodded feverishly.
"Okay, we can do that. Do you want to harm yourself at all?" Remus asked.
"Moony Da," Harry protested, blushing.
"I know it's uncomfortable, Harry. I have to ask."
"No. Just because I told you my secret doesn't mean I'm any less stable, or, uh, unstable than before," Harry pointed out.
"That's true. Thank you for the reminder. I guess I'm just worried, too."
"Moony Da, I promise I'll get you if I need you, okay? Besides, I have to get started on my Arithmancy reading anyway."
Just then, Sirius came in through the door. Harry jumped up and scurried to his room.
"Hi, Pup," Sirius said jovially. As Harry scurried by, Sirius' smile turned into a frown. "Harry?"
"Hi, Dadfoot," Harry replied quietly, keeping his head down. He made his way into his room and shut his door.
Sirius looked towards Remus, rather confused and concerned, and Remus gestured for him to come to the couch. "We've got to talk."
"That never sounds good," Sirius said, dropping his bag and walking over to Remus.
"You haven't done anything wrong or anything. Nothing's different, either. I, uh, called Harry in for his fifth-year appointment today."
"Okay," Sirius nodded before scrunching up his nose. "I thought it was tomorrow?"
"It was. I just had a gut feeling to call him today. I had finished my other appointments and got Harry from his class."
"Alright. Now, why is this bad?" Sirius asked slowly.
Remus sighed. "In the session, we talked about Harry's plans after Hogwarts. He wants to defeat Voldemort. Besides that, he doesn't see a future for himself. He doesn't see himself living after that."
"We won't let Moldy Face kill him!" Sirius cried.
"Not just that, Sirius. Harry doesn't see a point in living besides Voldemort. When Voldemort is gone, Harry doesn't want to be alive, either."
"So you're saying Harry wants to" Sirius couldn't bring himself to say the words.
"Not right now, Padfoot. He has a reason for living and there is no intent, plan, or means. Do you remember how I felt for the longest time?" At Sirius' nod, Remus continued. "It was passive suicidal ideation. Do you remember me talking to you about that?"
"A bit, yes," Sirius replied.
"That's where Harry is at now. He isn't a danger to himself or others. But you need to know that that is where Harry's mind is at."
"Do we move him back here? Take away his wand?" Sirius asked, leaning back and running a hand through his hair.
"No, Siri. Harry reminded me that nothing is different except the fact that we know. He doesn't want us to overreact. I talked to him during and after the sessions and he's not a risk to himself. He is still making progress. I needed to tell you because even though it's not a big deal, it is a big deal. We just need to watch him closely and be aware if his ideation ever becomes active."
"What should I do?" Sirius asked, becoming determined to help Harry.
"Just keep doing what you're doing. Do you remember helping me? Just be aware of what he's saying. if he ever says anything that worries you, let me know. We have to show Harry, subtly, that he matters and that he has a future. If you do anything too big it's just going to push him away."
Sirius nodded and sat back, thinking. "You know who'd be really good at this? Being subtle and all? Draco."
Remus was surprised to hear Sirius say this, but he made a good point.
"I was going to talk to Harry about letting a friend or two know about this. That's a really good suggestion. He is really good at being subtle."
"Oh, Remus," Sirius said, leaning on his husband. "I love him so much."
"I know, Love. I know."
A little while later, Harry was attempting to read his chapters and there was a knock at the door.
"Come in," Harry gulped.
"Hi there, Pup. Can I come in?" Sirius asked, popping his head in.
Harry nodded and Sirius made his way into the room, shutting the door softly behind him.
Harry was on his bed and Sirius sat down on the edge of it. Harry shut his book and looked nervously at Sirius. "Did Moony Da talk to you?"
"Yeah, he did. Pup, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I'm also sorry that you didn't feel that you could tell us."
"I trust you both! I was just so worried about what you would do. I just felt so freakish."
"Harry, you are not a freak. We don't use that word or anything like it, you know that. You are a wonderful, hard-working, brave, loyal, spectacular kid whom I am so proud of."
"You're not mad?"
"Oh, Pup! No! No way!" Sirius said, enveloping Harry into a hug. "I know you can't control this. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm here for anything you need, okay? I can't imagine and don't want to imagine my life without you. You are my sun, moon, and stars."
"Well, not the moon. That's Moony," Harry said, smirking.
"Cheeky Pup," Sirius said, trying to tickle Harry.
The boys ended up on the floor with a thud and Remus came rushing in to find them wrestling. "I leave you alone for one minute and this is what I find," Remus teased them.
"He started it!" They both said simultaneously, frozen and pointing.
"Get up, you silly boys," Remus said, chuckling.
Sirius got up and helped Harry up and then they went back to sitting on the bed. Remus sat in Harry's desk chair.
Harry wrung his hands nervously and Sirius grabbed them, holding them.
"Cub, are you still working hard on your coping mechanisms?" Remus asked kindly.
"Yeah, I am. Really! I'm not any more of a danger to myself or anything. I swear!"
"We know, Love," Sirius assured him, squeezing the hands he was holding tight.
"We trust you, we do. We wanted to ask you, and you're allowed to say no if you'd be willing to stay here tonight. We know you are keeping yourself safe, we just would like this for our own selves."
Harry didn't have to think long or hard before nodding. "Sure. I know it's, uh, a lot to take in. They're my feelings and it's a lot for me too," Harry admitted.
Remus got up and hugged Harry. "You did so well, Cub. So well! I am so proud of you for opening up and being brave."
Harry's cheeks turned pink, but he still nuzzled into the hold. "Thanks, Moony Da."
"Now, one more thing we want to talk about," Remus said as he pulled away.
"Ugh, this therapy session is never-ending!" Harry said as he flopped back on his bed.
"I promise, it's the last one!" Remus said, chuckling at Harry's antics.
Harry sat back up and looked at Remus expectantly.
Remus took a deep breath and began speaking. "It's up to you, of course, but Sirius and I recommend telling a friend or two how you feel."
Harry paled at Remus' words.
"It is helpful having a friend help you through certain situations and you have some friends who can be much more subtle than, say, Dadfoot."
"I am offended, Mr. Moony!" Sirius cried in mock outrage, breaking the tense mood.
Harry chuckled and turned back to Remus.
"We just want someone to check in with you. Just think about it, okay Cub?" Remus asked.
Harry nodded. "Okay, Moony Da. I will," Harry nodded.
"It's almost dinner time, Pup. Do you want to eat in the Great Hall or here?"
"The Great Hall, if that's okay. I'll spend the night here so maybe we can do something before bed?"
"Sounds good, Pup. Go and get ready," Sirius said, standing up and ruffling Harry's hair.
Harry went to the bathroom as Sirius and Remus went to wash up as well.
Dinner was an uneventful affair. Harry was a bit more subdued than usual, but no one seemed to notice.
After dinner, when the students were starting to leave, Draco hurried up to Harry and the other Gryffindors.
"Harry," Draco called out.
Harry turned and walked towards Draco, dodging a few distracted students.
"Hey, Draco. What's up?"
"Do you have time to talk right now? It's nothing serious I just wanted to tell you something," Draco said.
"Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?" Harry asked, a bit concerned.
"Somewhere private?" Draco asked hopefully.
"Sure. C'mon. We can go to the spot we usually go to," Harry offered. He waved off his friends, urging them to leave without him. He then made eye contact with Remus and Sirius. He gestured to Draco and then gestured his head to show they were leaving. His godparents nodded their approval and Harry turned back to Draco, "Let's go."
Draco and Harry walked quietly to the "secret" room they'd met in before, both having a lot on their mind.
"Are you okay?" Harry asked once they got to the room and shut the door.
"Yeah, of course," Draco stated.
"You acted sort of weird, I didn't know," Harry explained.
"Nah, you were the one acting weird!" Draco protested.
Harry rolled his eyes good-naturedly and shook his head. "What's up, Draco?"
"I, uh, had my appointment with Professor Lupin today. I told him about wanting to be a healer. He was very kind. I, uh, wanted to thank you for suggesting and pushing me to do it. I'm glad I did it."
"Oh, that's brilliant! I'm glad it was good!" Harry replied, clapping the Slytherin on the back. "And that's what you wanted to be in private for? To thank me?"
"I am the Slytherin Prince, after all. I have a reputation to uphold," Draco teased, putting his nose in the air.
"Okay, Malfoy. Suree you will," Harry replied.
"Watch it, Potter," Draco continued.
"Make me, Malfoy," Harry teased back.
The boys kept their mock-glares for a moment before breaking into laughter.
"And what's wrong with you?" Draco asked Harry once their laughter died down.
"W-what are you talking about?" Harry tried to stall.
"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. As I said, you acted weird at dinner. What's going on?"
Harry sighed and looked away. He pulled at a thread on the chair he was sitting on and said, "I also saw Professor Lupin today."
"I thought your appointment was tomorrow?" Draco asked.
"It was. He got me for some reason and called me to his office."
"Okay," Draco said slowly. "What happened? Why is that bad?"
Harry sighed again. "Draco, do you remember when you had to apologize to me in front of Snape? I said it was fine and you said it wasn't fine and you asked me-" Harry cut himself off with a shuddering deep breath. "You asked me if I was suicidal."
"Yeah, I remember that," Draco replied, his face full of worry.
"So it turns out that I kinda am."
Draco's face flashed with emotion and then he said, "Harry, is Professor Lupin aware of this?"
"Oh, Merlin, yes! Oh, he told me to tell you. You don't have to worry!" Harry reassured him.
Draco visibly sagged with relief and then said, "Well, I wouldn't go that far, but continue," Draco said, giving Harry a small smile.
Harry gave him a small, nervous smile and kept speaking. "Professor Lupin kept asking me about my future and I got upset. Eventually, Professor Lupin managed to get the truth out of me. I told him that I don't really see a future for myself. I have to defeat Voldemort, sure, but besides that, I just don't see myself alive, whether from Voldemort or myself." Harry took a few deep breaths, trying to keep it short so he could be done sooner.
"Harry, Mate-" Draco began.
"No, I have to finish. I know I'm rushing but I don't want to lose my motivation. Okay?"
Draco nodded and Harry took a deep breath, gathering his Gryffindor courage. "We talked a little bit more, and, uh, Professor Lupin told me that that's a form of suicidality. What did he say? He said it was a whole spectrum and I'm passive suicide something-or-another. You can ask him. But he said that it'd be good to tell a friend, like you, who can check up on me and be more subtle about it. Apparently, I don't have many subtle friends," Harry blushed.
Draco snorted and said, "Bloody Gryffindors aren't very subtle at all."
Harry chuckled and then Draco gave Harry a warm smile. "I won't push you on it but thanks for telling me. And you're okay, right? Like you're not a danger to yourself or anything, right? I'm glad you're here, really."
"I'm okay, really. This doesn't change anything. My dads know so it's all good. Thanks, Draco."
"Now, we should probably get back before curfew. Where are you tonight? Your godparent's place?"
"Yeah," Harry replied standing up.
The two boys quietly walked back to their respective quarters, Draco dropping Harry off first before heading down to the dungeons.
Once Harry was dropped off, Draco stayed lost in his thoughts. While Draco felt like he was simply walking, he looked like he was on a rampage. The first year Slytherins threw themselves against the dungeon walls trying to get out of his path.
Luckily, Snape was leaving the Slytherin common room after having to talk to some third-years about a stunt they pulled in Transfiguration. He was rather amused with seeing the first years look like shaking bunnies but knew that there was something in Draco's mind.
Snape walked over to Draco and gently turned him around. Severus put an arm on Draco's back and lead him to his personal quarters.
Snape whispered the password and Draco went in. He kept walking until he got to the fireplace and kicked it. Hard. Snape expected that to knock Draco out of his head, but it didn't. Draco kept kicking it, muttering under his breath.
Severus swiftly walked over to his student, He gently grabbed his shoulders and turned him around. Severus held onto Draco arm's and looked into the boy's eyes. "Draco, what's going on? Why are you upset?"
"It's nothing," Draco muttered angrily, now digging his toes into the ground.
"it doesn't look like nothing. Please, what is angering you so? I think I saw a first-year in tears because of your anger," Severus teased him, trying to lighten the mood.
It worked, too. Draco let out a small smile and sighed. He relaxed his body and looked up at Severus. "How do you do it? How do you move on after everything you've done? I was just so horrible and it just keeps getting worse!" Draco went to the couch and slumped down.
Severus bit back a sigh and sat down next to him. "We've talked about this before, Draco. What happened this time? Was it about Potter?"
"No! Yes! Well, Kinda," Draco shrugged and held his head in his hands.
"Did something happen?"
"No. I just learned more information about him. The more I learn the more I realize how much of an arse I was. I just wish I could go back and stop myself."
Severus nodded in understanding. "I know that feeling. We can't change what happened. We just had to move on and become better. What did you learn?"
Draco paused before shaking his head. "I can't tell you. It's confidential."
"Draco," Severus warned. He didn't know what he was hiding.
"Uncle Sev, I promise you that it's nothing you need to know. Professor Lupin and Black know what's going on. I can't break his trust."
Severus bit the inside of his cheek, but nodded. He would respect this decision, but wasn't happy with it. "Why don't you stay here tonight? Calm down and take some time for yourself. You should have everything you need in your room."
Draco gave Severus a small but warm smile. "That'd be great. Thanks, Uncle Sev."
"Of course, Draco," Severus replied.
Draco got up and went to walk to his room before turning around and giving Severus an uncharacteristic hug. "Thanks, Uncle Sev. You're the best."
"I'm always here for you," Severus murmured back.
After a moment, Draco released the hug and went to his room leaving Severus to ponder even more things than before.
The next day, Harry had his weekly therapy session with Remus.
"I feel like I've had enough therapy this week already," Harry moaned, flopping on the couch.
Remus resisted an eye roll but raised his eyebrows. "Merlin, you look like Dadfoot."
Harry chuckled and sat up. "Have you ever had to be his therapist?"
"Generally, they don't love the idea of spouses being each others' therapist, but I have before. Not on a long-term basis, but when he got out of Azkaban I worked with him for a while until he was able to trust another person. I still talk to him from time to time."
"He agreed to that?" Harry asked, surprised.
Remus chuckled and shook his head. "Not really. He didn't know I was doing it. I was just Moony, his best friend. It wasn't until a few months into the process that it finally clicked for him. He was more amused than anything else. Before we got you he found a therapist he really liked. He saw her for a couple of years. Now he will talk to me sometimes, but we support each other as partners and husbands and that involves mental health. I just happen to have extensive training in that area."
Harry nodded. That made sense and he'd never heard that before. "Dadfoot is okay with me knowing this?"
Remus smiled at his son's thoughtfulness. "Yes, Harry. He's permitted me to tell you anything I think would help. I can let him know I told you this if that would make you feel better.
Harry nodded, relieved. He was glad Dadfoot trusted him so much.
"Good. Now, how are you doing today?"
"Tired," Harry replied honestly. Yesterday had taken a lot out of him and he had a nightmare last night as well.
Remus nodded sympathetically. "How was the rest of yesterday for you?"
Harry shrugged. "it was alright. I was with Draco after dinner. I-I told him what you thought I should."
Remus raised his eyebrows, surprised. He wasn't expecting Harry to do it so soon. "What did you tell him?"
Harry blushed and huffed, but still looked down and replied, "I told him about the passive suicidal thing. I told him that I don't see myself alive. I told him that you thought it was important for him to know and to look out for me. You know, some stuff like that."
Moony wanted to jump out of his seat and scoop Harry up with the pride he felt. Healer Lupin, however, was in control. He allowed a small smile and said, "How did he take it?"
"Really well. He was supportive and everything. He didn't overreact which was nice. He was subdued and subtle about the whole thing."
Remus allowed his smile to grow. "I'm so glad to hear that. Slytherins can be very good friends and that is certainly a benefit."
"I told him he could ask you questions and I'd permit you to answer them. Nothing too personal but general stuff and tips are good."
"Thank you, I'll remember that." He had more questions about that but felt like there was more that was going to be revealed and didn't want to spend time on that at the moment.
Harry grabbed a pillow that was next to him and held it close to him, hugging it tightly.
"What's up, Cub?" Remus asked softly, trying to catch Harry's eye.
"I suppose you're going to ask about the nightmare I had."
"I was going to, yes. Are you ready to talk about it?"
Harry sighed and squeezed the pillow tighter. "I guess I am. I mean, not really. But you know everything now so there's no reason to hide it."
"Was this like some you've had before?" Remus asked, trying to start probing gently.
Harry nodded. "Yeah. Last night wasn't as bad as others, like that one time I was really tired and you walked me to potions. But it had parts of it. Oh, Merlin, I hate them," Harry whispered, his eyes welling up with tears.
Remus stood up and set his notebook and papers down. He went over to Harry and wrapped an arm around him.
"What happened, Harry?" Remus asked softly.
Harry took some shuddering breaths, trying to calm himself.
"Keep breathing, Cub, That's it," Remus praised, rubbing his back. When Harry was calmed down he said, "You mentioned that Dadfoot and I were in these nightmares. What is going on in them? What are we doing?"
Harry was quiet for a long moment before saying, "Some of it is the usual stuff I had when I was little. Like you both putting me in a cupboard and stuff. Ya know?"
Remus nodded, his eyes soft and full of sympathy.
"But it wasn't what you were doing as much as what you were saying." Harry stopped and took some breaths again. Eventually, he opened his mouth and said, "You and Dadfoot kept telling me the things my head has been telling me. You've told me that I'm only good for defeating Voldemort, I shouldn't be here, I'm better off dead-" Harry couldn't keep talking. He started to quietly sob, curling up.
Moony couldn't take it anymore. He wrapped both arms around Harry and pulled him on his lap. "Oh, Cub. Oh, my son. You are so loved. I am so glad you are here." Remus said. His eyes welled up with tears at the pain his son was in. After several moments of rocking Harry, he pulled out his wand and waved it, sending Sirius a message to come here. This was something they should handle together.
"We would never, never say those things. You are everything to us, everything. You are so loved."
Harry had calmed down but took to Remus' affirmations like a plant in a drought.
Sirius, as soon as he had gotten Remus' message, dismissed his class. He waved his wand, cleaning things up and putting a sign on the door, and ran to the therapist's office.
Since Remus didn't send a Patronus Sirius had to assume that meant he couldn't speak. Sirius did the best he could to calm his energy once he got in the waiting room before softly opening the door to the office. Sirius was greeted with Harry on Remus' lap. Remus was leaning down, whispering things in Harry's ear.
Harry had heard the creak of the door and looked up.
"Dadfoot?" Harry croaked out, his face was red and tear-stained.
"Hi, Pup," Sirius whispered, giving Harry a small smile.
Harry didn't even wonder why Sirius was here. He just stood up and enveloped him in a hug.
Sirius stayed there before lifting Harry up and bringing him back to the couch. Both Sirius and Remus held Harry close. Eventually, Remus said, "Harry, we love you."
"Yeah, I know," Harry acknowledged it.
Sirius looked at Remus, finally wanting an explanation.
"Harry, do you want to tell Dadfoot what's going on?" Remus asked.
"I told Moony Da about my nightmares. You both were saying awful things." That's all Harry could manage to say.
Remus leaned over and whispered in Sirius' ear. When Remus pulled away, Sirius hugged Harry tighter. "I love you so much. I can't imagine my life without you."
"I'm sorry. I know that. it was just horrible."
"Hey," Remus said, moving Harry's face to meet his eyes. "You don't have to apologize. You are not in control of your dreams. We're here to help you."
"Yeah, thanks for that, by the way." Harry was sitting up now. He was feeling so much after getting it all out. His parents knew everything now.
"What can we do for you, Pup?"
Harry stayed quiet, thinking.
Remus studied his face and said, "Whatever you're thinking, Harry, just say it. I promise that your idea is not as unattainable as you think it is. Let us prove to you that we will never stop loving you and will move mountains for you."
Harry had a small smile on his face and then said, "Can we just get away? Just for a few days. I just need a break from this. I don't care where we go but I just need a break."
"You thought that would be unattainable? Psh, easy peasy," Sirius said, twirling his wand.
"Really?" Harry asked.
"Love, we'll take care of everything. Why don't you go rest and pack and we'll get you in an hour, hmm?" Remus said.
"Oh, okay," Harry said, surprised.
"Are you okay to be alone?" Remus asked, checking with him.
"Yeah," Harry nodded.
"Alright. Let us clear some things up and we will get you soon."
Harry nodded. He took a deep breath, hugged his parents, and left the office.
Once Harry left, Sirius and Remus looked at each other. "Pads, I think it's time for a good, ol fashioned Marauders weekend," Remus stated.
"Uh, just to clarify, with less booze?"
Remus rolled his eyes and shoved him. "Yes, Sirius. With less booze. But just as much fun."
Sirius' face lit up. "This is going to be fun."
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)