Author's Note: Thanks for being patient! I hope you like this chapter! It wasn't planned at all, but it's what came out! TW/CW for references to self-harm and suicidal thoughts. Thanks for being here. You are loved!
Urgwaew: I'm so glad you're okay! I was so excited to see your name! Yay! Animagus isn't in this chapter, but it's planned for one really soon! I have a few ideas for it! I really appreciate your comments on the characters, especially Draco! This chapter only has Remus, Sirius, and Harry, but there's some good fluff in there! And yes! I see Sirius being so traumatized that he didn't want anyone around him except Remus (who OF COURSE therapized him), but it was only until Sirius was ready to be around others. I thought I was almost done when I got your review, but then I added like 3k more words! Whoops! Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. You are an amazing soul and I appreciate you!
James Birdsong: I appreciate your review and feedback! Thank you so very much!
Kaylee Maendel: I did get your message! It only appeared on my phone and not my computer (odd), but now I'm checking both! All my love!
Saterry526: Thanks for your review! You've been a reader for a while, too, and I am so thankful for you! I'm including super short summaries. per your request! Let me know what you think!
Quick summary of the last chapter: Harry tells Sirius about his ideation. Draco feels bad about his past. Harry comes clean about his nightmares to Remus and Sirius. They decide to take a break.
This chapter summary: Remus, Sirius, and Harry take a break. Mindfulness, relaxation, rest, and, of course, fun antics all occur.
"Harry, we're going to use a portkey, okay?" Remus asked as Sirius grabbed an object off the shelf.
Harry bit his lip but nodded. Sirius came back and Remus made sure he had a firm hold on Harry.
"!0 seconds," Sirius announced, also putting a hand on Harry.
Harry held onto the object tightly and squeezed his eyes as he felt compressed and whisked away.
When they landed, Sirius and Remus were almost immediately composed and turned their attention to Harry.
"We're here, Harry. How're you doing?" Sirius asked.
Harry took some deep breaths. He felt the hands of his parents on him. Slowly, but surely, Harry stayed in the present. After several moments he slowly opened his eyes.
"Harry, are you with us?" Remus asked with both hands on his godson. He was crouched and looking into Harry's face.
"Yeah," Harry croaked out.
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief and Remus beamed at him. "You did so well. I'm so proud of you."
Harry gave him a tired smile.
"Are you good to move?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded.
"Let's take it slow, yeah?" Remus said, commanding more than suggesting.
Sirius and Harry nodded and slowly left the hill they were on, heading down towards the house.
After a few more minutes Harry asked, "Where are we? We're not in Australia. But where? It's warmer than Hogwarts but not that warm."
"Somewhere in Southern Europe. It's the countryside so there's no one around for miles.
"Whoa," Harry said, looking around. They had now seen the house they were staying in. It was a two-story house with about 4 bedrooms. It wasn't anything as large as Black Manor, but Harry thought it was just spectacular. It was perfectly placed with a grassy field around it and some wildflowers. Harry thought he saw a wooded area underneath a hill behind the house.
"Dadfoot, this is amazing," Harry breathed.
"It is pretty special, isn't it?" Sirius said, smiling with pride.
"Don't take this the wrong way, Dadfoot, but this doesn't look very Black-ish," Harry commented.
Sirius and Remus chuckled and smiled. "You're right. It was forgotten about in our family for the longest time. It was seen as 'too rustic'," Sirius rolled his eyes. "After we finished Hogwarts, Remus and I put this place together. James came along too sometimes. It was helpful for all of us," Sirius said.
Harry nodded, knowing there was more to the story but too exhausted to question it right now.
It didn't take them too much longer to reach the house.
"I'll show you to your room, alright?" Sirius said kindly.
Harry nodded and followed Sirius. Remus followed them up the stair but turned the opposite way as Harry and Sirius, most likely going to his and Sirius' room.
"Here you are, Pup," Sirius said, opening a white door.
It was a plain room, but fresh and soothing. The walls were an inviting cream color and the bed was a pale blue. There was a desk and wardrobe as well. On the desk were a notebook and some pens and quills.
"Put your clothes away and settle in. Moony Da and I are going to start dinner, alright?"
"Okay, sure," Harry said, nodding at him.
"I love you," Sirius reminded him before he closed the door.
"I love you too, Dadfoot," Harry said, grinning.
Sirius felt relief in his soul seeing the genuine grin Harry gave him. He went to his bedroom to see Remus had already put their stuff away, so he went down into the kitchen.
"Hi, love," Sirius said, walking up behind Remus and wrapping his arms around him.
"Mhmm, hello," Remus said, turning around and kissing Sirius.
"How was Harry?" Remus asked once they pulled apart, but still holding Sirius close.
"Alright. He still seems tired and drained. He did give me a real smile, so that was lovely to see."
"Absolutely. Did you tell him any of the rules yet for this place?" Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head. "Not yet. He already knows the rules for outside of Hogwarts with his wand and I don't expect he'll be leaving his room right now, either. If he does, we'll know, anyway," Sirius said.
"True, but it'd be good for him to know about this place and what the rules are. It's unlike any other house or cottage or flat we have, and for good reason, too."
"You're right. Dinnertime? We'll be together then." Sirius suggested.
"Lovely. Now, do you want to start on the salad or pasta?" Remus asked, heading over to the refrigerator.
"Salad. It'll be a Sirius salad," Sirius said, giggling.
Remus smiled, but rolled his eyes and threw the romaine lettuce at Sirius. "Well here, Mr. Serious Sirius. See how serious you can make it."
Sirius just stuck his tongue out at Remus and smiled. Merlin, he loved that man.
Meanwhile, Harry was upstairs in his room. He had carefully put his clothes away and opened up the blinds on the window. Harry wanted to open the window itself, but it only moved a few inches. Eventually, Harry gave up and remembered to ask Sirius and Remus about it later. He then went over to the desk where the journal was. Harry thought about opening it but wasn't sure whose it was. Before he could ponder too long, a wolf came into the room and Remus' voice rang out saying, "The journal on the desk is yours to use, Harry. We'll call for you in less than an hour."
Harry smiled at Remus being able to tell what he was thinking. He moved the desk chair and sat down, opening up the journal. It was rather nice quality made with fabric and thick pages. Harry picked up a pen and began writing. He remembered what happened his first year.
11-year-old Harry was laying in the hospital bed. He was going to be released within the next day or two and he was able to stay awake for hours now. He had been awake for about 20 minutes. Sirius had been with him and they talked about the professional Quidditch teams. Remus came up now holding a few items.
Sirius looked up at his husband and turned to Harry with an apologetic smile. "Sorry, Cub, that's my leave. I'll be back," Sirius bent down and kissed the top of Harry's head and kissed Remus' cheek before walking away.
"Hi, Uncle Moony. What's going on?" Harry asked, a bit confused.
Remus sat down and gave Harry a warm smile. "I just wanted to talk to you by yourself if that's okay."
Harry shrugged, "Sure."
Remus waved his wand, setting up a silencing charm. "I wanted to know how you've been doing with everything that happened."
"I don't want to talk about it," Harry said, his face shutting down.
"Mhmm. I heard that's what you told the mind healer we had here a few days ago?"
"She told you that?!" Harry asked, angry.
"Not exactly. However, she did say that no other sessions with you would be beneficial."
Harry looked down sheepishly. "I don't want to talk to some stranger, Uncle Moony! I'm doing alright, really. I talked to Grandda and I know I can talk to you if I need it."
"I'm glad you talked to him. And of course, you can always talk to me. In fact, we will be talking this summer because what happened was no joke, alright?"
Harry nodded. "Okay, Uncle Moony."
"I know you've been reluctant to talk, but I thought this would help," Remus said, handing over a journal and a pen.
"A journal? You want me to write in a DIARY?" Harry asked, a bit disgusted.
"Harry no," Remus said, both amused and firm at the same time. "It is a journal, correct. But you can do whatever you want in it. Color, draw, write your name, write your feelings, write down every curse word you know, make fun of Slytherins- anything. I want you to write in it. I or Dadfoot or anyone else will never read it. I just want to know if you've been writing in it. And please, answer honestly when I ask, alright? There are 100 pages in there. I'm hoping you can fill it up by the winter. However, you want to. Do you think that is something you can do?"
Harry nodded. "Yeah. I'll just write about how stupid it is."
Harry was being snarky, but Remus smiled. "That sounds lovely. Any other questions?"
Harry shook his head, his cheeks pink from embarrassment.
"Now, I'm going to give you some space right now. Ron and Hermione are coming in two hours. Maybe you could fill out a page or two?
Harry huffed but nodded.
"That's my Cub. I'll see you soon, yeah?"
Harry nodded again and Remus bent down and kissed Harry on the head before leaving.
"Stupid journal," Harry muttered. He still picked up a pen and opened to the first page.
'This is stupid' Harry wrote.
But he liked the feeling of the pen on the journal. He hadn't used one in forever. He wrote his name and then just doodled around the page before flipping it. He doodled on that page and the next before starting to write actual thoughts.
Harry did in fact fill the journal up by December. He didn't love doing it, but it was important to Remus and a way Harry was able to dodge seeing a mind healer he didn't know.
Harry smiled as he thought about the memory and once again sat down. Just for old times' sake he opened to the first page and wrote 'this is stupid'. He then flipped the pages and began writing in earnest about where he was and what he was thinking.
Harry filled up that page and started the next when he heard Sirius' voice calling him down to dinner. Harry finished his thought before closing his pen and journal and heading downstairs.
"What's for dinner?" Harry asked as he hopped down the stairs.
"Chicken and rice casserole," Remus said as he set it on the table.
"It's all we had here right now. We'll go shopping tomorrow," Sirius said as he brought a salad to the table.
"Shopping?" Harry questioned, wrinkling his nose. "What about house elves? And is there a store even near here?"
Remus and Sirius chuckled. "Sit down, Pup, and we'll explain more over dinner," Sirius said, smiling.
Harry shrugged and nodded, choosing a seat. Remus had given out appropriate portions to each of them (almost like he was a mind healer making sure they ate enough) and once he sat down they began dinner.
"While this house has many magical wards surrounding it, they're far enough away to not affect the structure itself too much. This house is mostly a muggle house. The house elves' magic would interfere too much if we had one here full time. We can call one occasionally, but not too often," Sirius explained
"Cool," Harry shrugged, taking a bite of the casserole. "I think that's nice and all, but why? I'm really just curious."
"Of course. I think Remus is a good person to answer this question," Sirius said with a slight smirk, putting a big bite in his mouth.
Remus rolled his eyes and smiled at the both of them. "Harry, when Sirius and I, and James, of course, helped refurbish this house it was a sort of therapy for us, especially myself. Sirius and I, before everything happened, toyed with the idea of this being our recovery house. Everything went down so fast; I mean, we were only married a month and a half when your parents died." Remus took a deep breath and Sirius reached over to hold his hand. "After my initial push to take you and release Sirius, when it was for sure that I wasn't able to do any of that and my back was pressed up against the wall, I came here. This is where I was able to find my strength again. I did very little magic and focused on my soul. When Sirius got out of Azkaban we came here. When we first rescued you we took you to Black Manor for most of the time because we needed to have monitors and magic around you, including the Fidelius Charm. However, during your very first week we took you here. While I knew the transition between homes wasn't easy, I knew you needed to be eased into your new life slowly, and that included magic. You handled the transition better than I could've hoped for and I am so glad we made that choice. This is our recovery home. We come here when your souls, minds, body, and magic need some rest and recharging."
"You brought me to rehab!?" Harry cried, outraged.
"Out of everything you said, that's what he took from it?" Sirius commented, leaning over to Remus.
Remus chuckled and shook his head. "No, Harry. While yes, this would be where we would bring you if you had to go to "rehab" as you so call it, we are just bringing you here to allow for a quiet few days to rest and recharge. This is a good, safe, hopeful, and serene place that you should use as a tool. We're just here to help you get your mental strength back up, Cub. What do you think?"
Harry thought for a moment before responding. "I think it's nice. It seems very calm."
"It is. I never thought I could handle such a calm place, but it is," Sirius agreed, taking a sip of his water.
"What are we going to do here?" Harry asked.
Sirius and Remus exchanged looks and then Remus spoke up. "Several things. We might take walks, practice mindfulness and meditation, or go fishing or exploring. I know I sent a message up about the journal, did you see it?"
Harry nodded.
"Good," Remus continued. "You might spend time writing in that. We're just taking a moment to breathe."
"I like that. I can see how this place could be helpful when something big happens," Harry said, looking around.
"We have some things we want to go over with you, too," Remus said.
Harry turned his attention back to his godparents.
'Because this is a mostly muggle house, we don't allow a lot of magic. None, if possible, but sometimes it is needed. We do most things the muggle way here," Sirius said.
"Can I still have my wand on me?" Harry questioned.
"You can," Remus confirmed. "Sometimes when people are here their wands are confiscated for their safety or the safety of others, but that's not you right now. We just wanted you to know. We know you don't really do magic outside of Hogwarts, but sometimes different houses have different rules."
"Like Black Manor," Harry said, smirking as he thought of all the magic pranks the three of them play on each other.
Sirius barked a laugh and then nodded. "Yes, like Black Manor."
The three boys began a discussion about a variety of the pranks they played on each other for the rest of dinner.
When they finished, Harry cleared his plate and began to clear the rest of the table.
"Thank you, Pup," Sirius said as he put his plate in the sink.
"Of course," Harry replied, putting something in the refrigerator.
"While there's a dishwasher, we do most of the dishes by hand here, but since there's three of us we all can chip in," Remus replied.
Harry nodded and made his way to the sink. While Harry doesn't mind chores, he doesn't love them either. However, this was a fun time. Harry couldn't remember a time when all three of them washed the dishes. There was a rather epic suds and water fight which left them all soaked by the end of it.
"Go get changed, Cub," Remus said, still chuckling as they finished the war and dishes.
"Okay," Harry replied, grinning. His stomach hurt from laughing so hard. He couldn't remember the last time that happened.
Harry changed into his pajamas and when he came back down, Remus and Sirius were out of the room, still changing. Harry went to the sitting room. He scanned over the bookshelf until he found a book that seemed interesting, a muggle mystery book.
A few minutes later, Remus and Sirius came out of their bedroom and down the stairs to where Harry was.
"Ahh, good choice," Remus said as he walked into the room, seeing what Harry was reading.
Harry was only a few pages in so he glanced at the cover before setting it down. "Yeah, it sounds good."
"I didn't know you liked mystery, Pup," Sirius commented, sitting down.
"It's nice to read about mysteries that aren't my life," Harry shrugged.
Sirius chuckled and Remus gave him a sympathetic smile.
Harry brushed it off, not having the energy to feel annoyed and he certainly wasn't in the mood for a therapy session, either.
"Are you in the mood for a mystery or a spooky story?" Sirius asked, getting closer to Harry.
"Why? Do you have one?" Harry asked, curiosity prickling in his stomach.
Sirius grinned. "Moony, turn off the lights. I think it's spooky story night!"
Remus shook his head, but got up and did as Sirius had requested before getting on the couch on the other side of Harry.
"This is a story that has gone down the Black family for decades. It goes back to my great great great grandfather and it is one helluva scary story."
"Really?" Harry asked, doubtful.
"I remember it, Harry. It's chilling," Remus confirmed.
Both excitement and fear gnawed at Harry and he leaned forward, ready to catch every word.
"So it was fall and my grandfather was in the manor alone," Sirius began dramatically. By the end of the story, Harry's eyes were wide and he was leaned against Remus.
"Nothing was there? And nothing was ever found?" Harry whispered.
Sirius nodded solemnly.
"Whoa," Harry whispered.
"Indeed," Remus confirmed, putting his arm around Harry.
"I didn't think a story could still scare me, but wow," Harry said.
"You going to be alright to sleep tonight?" Remus asked kindly.
Harry huffed and said, "Of course, I'm not a baby!"
"My apologies," Remus said, holding back a chuckle.
Harry huffed again and then said, "Want to hear a true scary story from my life?"
"Pup, isn't most of your life one?" Sirius teased him, half-joking.
"Sirius!" Remus admonished, his voice sharp.
"No, it's okay, Moony Da. He's got a point. I think I've nearly given Dadfoot a hundred heart attacks. But you haven't heard this story before!"
"Oh, do enlighten us," Sirius said dryly. "I'll prep the asprin."
"Just promise I won't get in trouble," Harry added, his eyebrows raised.
Sirius raised his eyebrows back at them.
"We promise," Remus said, eyeing Sirius.
"Okay," Harry said, settling back into Remus' body. And so, Harry began telling Sirius and Remus the horrifying story of following the spiders.
"I can't believe you," Sirius breathed, torn between being impressed and livid.
"Harry," Remus began, not sure how to address it.
"You said I wouldn't get in trouble!" Harry protested, feeling a wave of panic.
"You're not in trouble, Love," Remus reassured him warmly.
Harry let out a breath of relief.
"Since I can't punish you I guess I'm going to have to settle with impressed," Sirius thought out loud.
"How can you still stand spiders?" Remus asked.
"It's not all spiders that are bad; just the ones that tried to kill us," Harry reasoned.
Remus and Sirius asked a few more questions before Remus started up a story about a werewolf adventure in the forbidden forest shortly after James and Lily were murdered. It was a bit sad, definitely scary, but had a happy ending considering Sirius and Remus ended up together again.
Harry was exhausted by the end of that story. He yawned and nestled into Remus.
"Tired, Cub?" Remus asked.
"Only a little," Harry replied, closing his eyes.
"Why don't you head upstairs?" Sirius suggested softly.
"Just a few more minutes," Harry protested. "I like being with you."
Remus and Sirius smiled. "Alright, Love. A few more minutes," Remus agreed.
Harry nodded and snuggled into Remus and the couch.
What felt like a few minutes later, Harry woke up in his own bed with panels of sunlight streaming through the blinds.
Harry laid in bed, savoring how comfortable it was, but the smell of bacon brought him to a sitting position and eventually out of bed. He made his way down the stairs and found Sirius and Remus making breakfast.
"Good morning, Harry," Remus said brightly, giving him a smile as he walked into the kitchen.
"Mornin' Moony Da. Mornin' Dadfoot," Harry said as he yawned again.
"Come sit, we have some juice," Sirius said, putting a cup in front of a chair.
harry sat down and looked at it. "Is- is this orange juice?" Harry asked, surprised.
"It is. you like it, don't you?" Remus asked, turning around to look at Harry.
"I do! I just haven't had it in forever," Harry admitted before taking a sip.
"Muggle house and muggle food," Sirius said, sitting down to eat his pancakes.
"Sirius! Those were supposed to be for Harry!" Remus said from the stove.
"I must have been mistaken," Sirius lied with a mouthful of food.
Remus rolled his eyes and Harry just grabbed a piece of bacon. "I'm good waiting, it's all good."
"See!" Sirius protested, his mouth still full of pancakes.
"Where are your pureblood manners?" Remus admonished, shaking a spatula at him.
Sirius had the decency to look ashamed but quickly went back to eating.
"What are we doing today?" Harry asked, taking another sip of juice.
"We're going on a hike," Remus answered.
"A hike?" Harry asked, a bit confused. It's hilly here, but there aren't any mountains.
"There's a trail. It's not a hard hike or anything," Sirius said, waving his fork around.
Harry nodded, happy that was cleared up.
"We'll see how long that takes us before we plan anything else," Remus explained.
"Okay," Harry agreed.
It didn't take long before all three of them were eating their breakfasts. They took their time and enjoyed each other's company. When Harry cleared his plate he started to make his way upstairs but was stopped by Sirius.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"To get changed for the hike?" Harry replied, confused.
"We've got dishes to do," Remus explained, cocking his head towards the sink.
Harry deflated as he saw the stack of dishes in the sink.
"Come on, it's not that bad. We're all going to do it together," Sirius said, standing up and clapping Harry on the back.
Harry sighed and nodded and helped clear the rest of the table before going to the sink.
These dishes took less time than the ones last night because they didn't get into a water or suds fight. All three of them changed relatively quickly and met on the back porch.
"Ready?" Remus asked, putting a hat on Harry's head.
"Ready!" Harry grinned.
The three boys went out and started to walk. Remus lead them, followed by Harry, and Padfoot was bringing up the rear.
They walked in mostly silence except for the deep breathing and water. They stopped at one point for a break and Harry wiped his brow. "How much further?"
"Not long. Are you doing alright?" Remus asked, taking a swig of water.
"Yeah, I was just wondering."
Remus nodded, obviously thinking something, but didn't say anything.
Harry knew Remus was therapizing him, but couldn't do anything about it. He was quite literally sandwiched between his parents in an unknown area.
Harry didn't mind the silence but had gotten tired of just hearing his thoughts. Harry didn't like to be alone with his thoughts for this long, especially when everything was so quiet.
While Remus had said it wasn't much longer, Harry didn't think so. When he was just about to tell Remus that he didn't want to go any further, Remus stopped and turned to him with a large, knowing smile.
"We're about two minutes away. Get ready."
Harry nodded but was a bit confused by the pure happiness Remus had. Sure, the trail was nice, but it wasn't anything special. Harry didn't know why they had to be silent the whole time, either.
Harry internally grumbled to himself, but he heard a distant roar.
"What's that?" Harry asked, alert.
"It's part of our destination, relax," Sirius assured him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
Harry nodded and felt his hand relax and move away from his wand.
The roar gradually became louder and it was almost deafening when Remus stopped.
"Moony Da?" Harry asked. "What-" Harry yelled.
Remus put a finger to his lips, signaling Harry to be quiet. Harry stopped yelling and looked at Remus with probably more impatience than he should've. Remus just smiled and moved a branch.
A small, but stunning, waterfall was revealed. The roar became louder as Harry took some steps towards it.
"Whoa," Harry whispered, in awe. Harry took a few more steps to admire its beauty. He eventually found a seat on the ground. He wrapped his arms around his legs and hugged them close.
The waterfall was loud enough to drown out any of the voices in Harry's mind. It was like a white noise machine for nature and his intrusive thoughts and worries.
Remus and Sirius smiled at Harry who had instantly found peace here. They put an arm around each other, watching him for a moment, before kissing and breaking away, doing their own reflection.
Harry wasn't sure how much time had passed when a hand on his shoulder caused him to jump. Harry looked up and saw Remus giving him a kind smile. Remus gestured for Harry to get up and follow him.
Harry sighed and gave one last glance at the waterfall before standing up, dusting himself off, and following his godparents.
It was quiet on the way back as well, which Harry didn't mind. It did make him realize how loud his mind was and how nice it was to have something calm his mind.
When they got back, it was about lunchtime. Remus made sandwiches for them, nothing special. When they were done, Remus said, "Harry, I want to chat with you if that's alright."
Harry had assumed this was coming. "Okay, where?"
"In the small study. Go ahead and find a seat. I'll be there momentarily."
Harry nodded. He found his way to the study and found two large armchairs. He sat down in one and pulled a blanket over him. He wasn't cold, but felt less exposed.
Remus came a minute or two later, carrying two mugs of tea. Remus handed Harry a mug and set down his own before shutting the doors. "Sirius went out to get groceries. He'll be gone for around an hour."
"Okay," Harry nodded.
"How are you doing?" Remus asked kindly.
"Alright," Harry shrugged.
Remus expected a vague answer so he pressed further. "What did you think of the walk?"
"It was nice," Harry admitted.
"Tell me about it. What did you think of the walk on the trail? And the waterfall?"
Harry bit back a sigh and decided to indulge Remus in his mind. "I didn't know why we were so quiet on the way there. I was annoyed by the time we got to the waterfall. I didn't like how long it was and how quiet we were."
"Why do you think that is?" Remus asked, despite most definitely knowing the answer.
Harry sighed this time for real. He gave Remus a glare before turning his gaze down and wrung his hands before settling them for smoothing the blanket over him. "I don't like to be alone with my thoughts. There's too much going on. I can do some, but that was a long time. When we got to the waterfall it was so beautiful and just loud enough to cancel everything else out. I had a quiet mind when I was there and I don't know the last time I had that. The closest I can get is before I started Hogwarts but even then I still sometimes had the Dursleys in my mind. It was such a nice break to just allow the noise to fill my mind. I mean I guess I get kinda close with Occlumency, but it's a lot of effort right now. All I had to do at the waterfall was just be."
Remus nodded empathetically. "I would use that spot for the same reason. I still do. It's calming. While it felt like a long walk, it isn't too far."
"When can I go back?" Harry asked.
Remus gave him another small smile. "Soon. However, right now I don't want you to go there alone. You're safe here, but we still want to be with you here. You never know when someone is lurking around the corner."
"I know, I know," Harry grinned. "Constant vigilance."
Remus chuckled and said, "Yes, Moody taught you that."
Harry grinned back before becoming sober. "Did Peter ever come here?" Harry asked quietly.
Remus become solemn and nodded. "Once or twice, yes. We never told him where it was and he only side-along apparated. We have wards around the house far enough away to not affect the house too much, but they're effective. If anyone tries to cross the wards that have human blood or with ill intent, we are notified. Still, I think we're safe. We're just being cautious."
Harry nodded and sighed. "I'm sorry, Moony Da. I know it hurts."
Remus gave Harry a thankful smile. "I appreciate you, Harry. It's never easy but I accepted it a while ago. Thank you, for being so caring."
Harry shrugged and turned away.
"Hey, I'm serious. Thank you," Remus said, a bit firmer.
Harry knew he needed to reply. "It's no problem," he murmured.
Remus let out a small sigh but was happy Harry accepted the compliment.
"How's your mind right now? That spot is soothing and helpful, but I don't want you to become overwhelmed when you come back."
"Yeah, it's almost, uh, like, um, disappointing? Maybe? Like I knew the thoughts wouldn't go away but it was not fun when they came back, you know?"
Remus nodded, leaning forward.
"It didn't last long! And I mean it's worth it just to have a second to clear my mind and think. I've handled the chatter long enough now that I can keep doing it," Harry joked weakly.
"Harry-" Remus began concerned, scootching further forward in his chair.
"I'm alright, Moony Da. Really. You're helping me through it. I'm just tired of it all. This place helps, truly."
Remus could hear and smell the honesty in Harry's words. "Okay, okay. You let me know if it becomes too much, yeah?"
"I will, I promise."
"Good," Remus gave Harry a warm smile. "Do you think you're resting some while being here? Is it building you up?"
"We haven't been here long, but I think so. It's so serene and quiet. Peaceful. The opposite of our lives."
"That is true. It would be nice to stay here forever, but people would find us. And we wouldn't be able to use magic."
"I love magic," Harry agreed.
Remus chuckled. "Yes, it is wonderful."
"The journal that was on my desk?" Harry began, remembering a thought and wanting to bring it up before he forgot.
"It's mine, right? No one else's?"
"Absolutely. Everything you write in it is confidential. If there does happen to be something you want me to see you can always show me it. You know I'm happy to help you with anything."
"I know. I appreciate it. And thanks for the journal."
"Of course, Cub. Sirius and I got new ones here, too. We'll be writing in them as well."
"Really?" Harry was surprised.
"Really. Reflection helps lots of people. Whether it's a form of prayer, meditation, or releasing energy into the universe it is helpful for many different people. And remember, you don't need to give yourself dates to do it. Just write in it when it feels right for you. I've finished a journal in a month and I've finished a journal in three years. Do what's best for you."
"Thanks. Yeah, I forgot about that," Harry admitted.
"It's almost like I'm a professional," Remus teased Harry.
Harry stuck his tongue out before smiling and sitting back. "I feel better now, thank you, Moony Da."
"Of course, Love. Do you want to keep talking or take some time to yourself?"
"I- I think I'll take some time to myself. Is it alright if I sit on the back lawn? I won't be far, just under that large tree back there," Harry asked.
"Certainly. Thank you for asking. Don't go any farther though without permission, alright?" Remus asked.
"I promise," Harry confirmed, nodding.
"Good. I'm glad you're feeling better. Go do you, my dear."
Harry got up and hugged Remus, thanking him again before wandering out of the study. Harry went upstairs to grab his journal and mystery book. He then made his way downstairs and outside under the tree. It was perfect weather and Harry enjoyed being outdoors. He wrote in his journal for a while, filling up a few pages, before going back to the book. He was getting to a good part when all of a sudden he heard, "Boo!"
Harry jumped up and flicked his wand out, only to see Sirius behind him.
"Dadfoot!" Harry cried, holding a hand to his chest. "You scared me!"
Sirius, meanwhile, fell to the ground laughing. "You- you should've seen your face! HA! PADFOOT STILL HAS IT! HA!"
Harry rolled his eyes once his shock wore off. "Prat!" He cried, sticking his tongue out.
Remus came outside now having finished putting away the groceries. "I told him not to scare you!" He insisted.
"We'll have to get him back," Harry told his godmother.
"Yes, we will. However, there is a no-pranking rule here."
"What?!" Harry cried, shocked. He didn't think the Marauders would ever do that.
"Well, mostly. Little things are okay," Remus relented.
There we go. Harry knew it couldn't be all banned.
"It isn't encouraged, however," Remus said sternly, glaring at Sirius who was still on the grass. "This is a sacred space, remember?"
"I couldn't help myself, Moony! It was perfect!" Sirius insisted.
Remus continued to glare at Sirius, disappointed.
"Oh, Moony! He's alright! Look at him!" Sirius protested.
Remus looked at Harry, but his lips were still pursed.
"Moony Da, I'm alright, really. I was scared, sure, but this wasn't any harmful prank. I know Dadfoot won't do it again here. Besides, it was normal. It's nice to see you both act normal around me and not like I'm made of glass."
Remus finally softened his face and sat down next to Harry. "You're right. We should act like ourselves around you. We are pranksters and we do have fun with each other."
Harry nodded his agreement. Sirius nodded his agreement too and tried to walk away, but Remus stopped him. "You! Not so fast, mister. Sit back down."
Sirius pouted and sat back down.
Remus turned to Harry again and said, "I don't want to treat you differently. I just want to protect you. I also want this to be a safe space. I want you to be able to rest here without always looking over your shoulder."
"That's really kind, Moony Da. I appreciate it. I don't mind you and Dadfoot treating me the same. I mean, you've still disciplined me and probably still will,"
Sirius cut Harry off with a "Yup."
"See!" Harry said, pointing. "You both seem to know when I'm not doing well and I know neither of you would prank me then. You're both so wonderful and I'm so glad I have you."
"Oh, Cub," Remus said, pulling Harry close to him. "I thank God every day to have you. We love you so much. So much," Remus whispered.
"I love you too," Harry replied.
When they broke apart, Remus turned to Sirius, "And as for you, Mr. Black, this is a safe spot. I don't want Harry looking over his shoulder. Understand?"
"Yes, Professor Lupin!" Sirius said, saluting.
Remus rolled his eyes at his husband but finally softened his face. "Good. Now, we got some groceries for dinner. Sirius and I are going to make something up and then we'll call you in when it's ready, okay?"
"Sounds good!" Harry agreed, happy to get back to his book. Dinner was ready about 45 minutes later. The three boys ate dinner, cleaned up, and played some muggle board games before retiring to bed.
Harry, unfortunately, wasn't able to sleep well. It took him a bit to fall asleep, but some Occlumency helped him clear his mind for him to fall asleep.
Not nearly long enough later, Harry woke up with a start. His eyes shot open and he sat up.
Another nightmare.
Harry wiped a shaky hand over his clammy forehead as he breathed heavily. Harry wondered if he had made any noise, but the lack of adults around him made him think that he was quiet enough not to disturb them.
And wow, was Moony a light sleeper.
Harry stayed in his bed until he caught his breath before he got up to go to the bathroom, trying to calm his racing mind. Unfortunately, that didn't work either. Harry made his way back to his room. He lay in bed before getting up abruptly and going to the desk. He opened his journal and wanted to write something, anything. He didn't care if it was about the many-a-fantasies story about the boy with the wolf and the dog living a happy life, or a release of his thoughts and feelings on paper.
None of it came.
Harry's thoughts kept racing and kept becoming more intrusive. Finally, Harry grabbed a pen and his journal and crept downstairs. Harry quickly scribbled a note on a sheet of paper.
Needed to get out. At waterfall. -Harry
Harry ripped it out of his journal and set it on the table before quietly leaving the house.
Harry stormed his way down the trail, angry at his thoughts and at the world. When he thought he couldn't take anymore, he was at the waterfall. Harry got to it and screamed, releasing his pent up energy.
He breathed heavily for a moment, panting, before slowly relaxing his shoulders and taking a few steps before making his way to the ground. He took some deep breaths, closing his eyes.
"What did Moony Da teach me again?" Harry muttered. "Oh, yeah," Harry opened his eyes and began talking out loud, not that he could hear his voice.
"I see the waterfall, trees, bushes, and some clouds in the sky. Also rocks. I can feel the grass, dirt, mist, and air. It's cool. I can hear the waterfall. I can't hear much more right here. I can smell the water and nature. I can taste the water."
Harry knew he didn't do it perfectly, but that was alright. It had still helped ground him and that was the most important thing. Harry took a few more deep breaths before opening up his journal and beginning to write.
Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus were in bed. When Harry had shut the sliding door when he snuck out, Remus stirred. He tried to fall back asleep, but after 10 minutes he realized he was awake.
"Moony, the sun isn't even up yet," Sirius moaned into his pillow, feeling Remus move.
"Sorry, Love," Remus whispered, kissing Sirius on the head. "Go back to bed. I'm going to make myself some tea."
Sirius just moaned and pulled the covers over his head.
Remus chuckled and got out of bed. He pulled on a cardigan and put his slippers on before walking out of his bedroom and starting down the hall. He stopped halfway through and walked backward. He saw Harry's door open. He turned and walked towards it before slowly before opening the door. Remus saw a messed up bed, but no Harry.
"Sirius," Remus called out.
No reply.
"Sirius!" Remus called out again, this time louder and with more urgency.
Sirius knew that tone of voice. He quickly got out of bed and hurried toward his husband.
"Remus, what's wrong?"
"Harry. He's gone."
"Is he downstairs?" Sirius asked, his Auror instincts kicking in.
"I haven't checked yet, but I doubt it."
"Is anything missing?" Sirius asked, still calm.
Remus looked around and his whole body relaxed. "His journal."
"He left?" Sirius asked, now becoming worked up.
"Let's check downstairs first," Remus said, taking over as the voice of reason.
The men made their way down the stairs and both (though Sirius would never admit it) felt relief when they saw Harry's note.
"You told him not to go alone!" Sirius insisted, pacing the kitchen.
"I did. However, he told us where he was, that's good news! Also, Sirius, look on the bright side, he didn't go looking for anything sharp."
Sirius sighed. "You're right. I just wish he had gotten one of us and not snuck out."
"I do too. But again, he left a note. He is obviously feeling really overwhelmed right now."
"How long has he even been gone?" Sirius asked, frustrated, running a hand through his hair.
Remus thought for a moment before saying, "I probably heard the sliding door shut when he left. He hasn't been gone long." Remus thought and sighed before turning to the kitchen and filling the kettle up and putting it on the stove.
"What are you doing? Aren't we going to go get him?!" Sirius cried.
Remus turned the burner on and went over to Sirius, sitting him down. "Sirius, Love, he's okay. He disobeyed us. He didn't make a good choice. He is safe. I'm going to make us some tea and start up your breakfast. Then, I will go and get Harry."
"Remus! He's alone!"
"He's in our wards and we both know that. If someone breached them we both could apparate to Harry in a second before anyone could get to him."
"I just want him to be safe," Sirius admitted, looking at his hands.
Remus gently took his hand and brought Sirius' face to meet his own. "I know. I do too. For Harry, right now, this is what is safest for him. He brought his journal which means he intends to write in it and wanted to go to a safe place to think. That is safer than being in our kitchen for him. He must need some time to think right now. I'll be there within half an hour. Take a breath, Pads. Harry is safe."
Sirius did as Remus said and calmed down.
"Good. I'm going to make some tea, alright?"
Sirius nodded and accepted a kiss from his husband.
As Remus went to get the mugs ready, Sirius spoke up again. "Remus?"
"Yes, Love?"
"Do you still have those charms around the waterfall? You know, those ones that, uh-"
Remus looked up from his task and gave Sirius a sad smile. "The ones to stop someone from going over the edge? Yes, I do."
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank Merlin."
"If Harry someone even tries to go over the edge, on purpose or on accident, he is stopped, a net appears, and I can be there in a second," Remus further explains.
"I wish I didn't have to worry about that," Sirius admitted quietly.
"I know, Sirius. I know. He really is doing better, though. I am of the progress he is making."
Sirius smiled and nodded, lost in thought.
Remus let him think until he came over with a mug of tea.
"It's chamomile right now. I think you could use something calming, even though it's early."
"Thank you, Moony," Sirius replied, taking the mug in his hands.
Remus got two travel mugs ready before saying, "Sirius, do you want me to start your breakfast or wait a bit?"
"Oh, love, it can wait," Sirius said, waving him off.
"Alright. I'm going to get Harry. I want you to stay here, alright? I promise we'll be safe."
"I know. I don't like that I have to stay here, but I know it's best. Go do your thing, therapist dad," Sirius said, lifting his mug up to Remus in a toast.
"I love you," Remus said, kissing him.
"I love you too," Sirius replied.
Remus and Sirius both walked outside and Sirius found himself a comfortable spot on the back porch to watch the sunrise. (If you would've told Sirius 16 years ago that he'd be content with a mug of tea watching the sunrise he would've laughed until merlin returned, but here he is).
"The boy who lived," Sirius muttered before blowing on his tea. "More like the boy who scared his godfather to death every chance he got," Sirius muttered taking a sip of tea. "Thank goodness he's cute and I love him. Hear that, James and Lily? Your son is testing me! Probably karma, isn't it?" Sirius smiled to himself.
It took Sirius a long time to make peace with what happened. It still isn't easy, but Sirius can now do this and instead of feeling pain, anger, guilt, and sadness, he can feel a twinge of sadness and also happiness in talking to his friends, wherever they are.
A breeze blew when Sirius lifted his mug up to James and Lily and Sirius smiled again.
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Don't worry, James. We've got him. He's going to be alright. Merlin, I swear it."
Suddenly, a stag made its way out of the clearing. Sirius' eyes grew wide and filled with tears. He made eye contact with the stag and nodded before whispering,
"I miss you, Jamie. Remus and I both do. Harry, Remus, me, we love you and Lily so much. He's in good hands. Keep looking out for us, 'kay?"
The stag slowly moved its head before blinking, standing there for a moment longer and running away, a doe coming out and following it.
Sirius couldn't wipe the smile off his face. "Thank you, James. Thank you, Lily. Love you," Sirius said, raising his mug again.
Sirius missed his best friend with his whole being, but he knew that James and Lily, wherever they were, were safe and happy. He knew that they were helping out and watching over them. He wishes James could be there, but Sirius also loved his life. He loved Remus and loved parenting Harry. It wasn't what he planned on, but that boy fuels his life.
"I love you, Harry," Sirius whispered as the sky became brighter with the impending sunrise.
Even in the darkest night, the sun will rise. As Albus Dumbledore once said, 'Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light'.
Maybe not happiness, but certainly hope. And boy, Sirius and Remus had enough hope to help Harry through until he could find his own. Enough hope until his own sun rises. And that was enough.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)