Author's Note: TW: for mentions of, references to, and descriptions of self-harm, discussions of after-effects of self-harm, and disassociation.
some lines are similar to my one-shot (I've Got You),
Billy Joel lyrics are in this chapter and I don't own them or have rights to them.
Another long one for you, my loves! I hope you enjoy it!
I will be on vacation starting this Friday for a week so I am not sure how the internet will be or what I'll be able to upload. I do have the next chapter done, but nothing else besides that. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I thank you in advance for your patience!
Uwgraew: Hello, hello! I kid you not I SQUEALED when I saw your reviews. You are a GIFT! A true gem! Thank you for your detailed reviews. The amount of time you put into them is beyond appreciated. And oh my gosh, thank you for thinking some of my lines are funny! I try so hard so when you or someone else points out a line they liked (funny or impactful or whatever) that's so cool! I love your insight on rules, too! I'm going to have to put some of that in a Remus- Harry therapy sesh :). AND YES MINNIE! Ah, thank you for seeing that! And yes! You got it! That is exactly why she's doing that, not that Harry's figured that out yet. You explained it so well, too! AND OH MY GOSH I AM HONORED! MY HEART! Seriously, you are so kind and I appreciate you so much. Your kind words mean so much to me and I hold them dear to me. You are loved!
Previous Chapter Summary: Harry is released from the hospital wing. He has conversations with his godparents and his grandmother about everything that has happened. He stayed with Minerva for the first night after being released from the hospital wing. Remus and Sirius went away for a night and Minerva had some important conversations with Harry. The next day, Harry was able to talk to Sirius and Remus and forgave them. Harry whispered something in Remus' ear that he was too ashamed for anyone else to hear. Remus comforted and Harry fell asleep that way and Remus carried him home.
This Chapter Summary: Harry has some trouble and goes looking for Sirius. Harry desperately wants to be in control. More important conversations are had.
Harry had stayed with his parents after Remus had carried him home. Remus had tried to bring the topic up in therapy, but Harry kept dismissing it, not ready to approach the subject again. Remus wasn't going to push it with him but also knew that he needed to talk about it. As a response to what Harry shared. Remus had been working on numerous coping mechanisms in therapy and practiced them with Harry, doing anything he could to help. Harry appreciated it and found himself using them, especially when he was in his classes as he had been attending them again. The story was that he tripped and hit his head when he slipped down some stairs. Luckily, most people bought it.
Classes had been going alright. Harry had been working hard at going through the motions of each day. He's had therapy with Remus every other day since he started talking to them again. That had helped tremendously, even with Harry ignoring a major event, but it hadn't stopped the voice in the back of Harry's head from constantly reminding him that he was a Horcrux.
Harry could handle the nagging voice in his head that sounded like Remus, but not this one. This one was cruel and sounded like Tom Riddle from his second year. No, it wasn't because of the Horcrux, but more like the devil on his shoulder. Harry had been especially bothered by this voice all day today and was on edge about it. His friends had even noticed.
"You alright, Harry?" Ron asked, looking up from his lunch.
They were all at the Great Hall eating lunch before they were going to go to study.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Harry said, trying to shrug it off.
Neville heard this from his spot. He leaned towards Harry and squinted his eyes. "Harry," he warned.
Harry bit back a sigh and gave Neville a feeble smile. "Sorry, Neville. I'm just tired."
Neville knew that excuse, too, and wasn't buying it.
Harry quickly said, "Nev, it's just a lot right now, okay? And I am tired. Nightmares, you know?"
That caused Neville to back off. "Okay, yeah. I get it. Just get someone if you need to, yeah?"
"We're here for you, mate," Ron agreed.
Harry hadn't told them what was going on, but they all knew it was a big deal and weren't pushing Harry to talk about it before he was ready.
"Come on, boys," Hermione huffed. "Eat up before we don't get a table to fit all of us at the library."
That didn't motivate anyone.
Hermione huffed and said, "If we can't fit everyone then I can't help you!"
That motivated them. The boys quickly got back to their plates and Harry tried to eat, really. He made sure he took some bites when he knew his uncles were watching him and moved the food around his plate to look like he ate.
"Ready, Harry?" Dean asked.
Harry looked up and saw Hermione, Ron, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, and Lavender all waiting for him.
"Yeah, coming," Harry said as he got up, making sure he didn't make eye contact with his parents as he left.
Much to Hermione's relief, they did in fact get a table to fit all of them in the library. They did have to be shushed by Madame Pince a few times, but Hermione kept them quiet for most of the time.
Harry, however, was not into it at all. He tried to fade into the background and blend in. He dodged the questions about the DA by promising a meeting next week. He didn't speak up and tried to pay attention, but it wasn't working. His mind kept running and Harry felt the itch under his skin get stronger and stronger.
Finally, after about 40 minutes, Harry abruptly stood up. "I got to go," Harry announced. "Er, study session with Professor Black before class." Harry gathered up his things and hurried away.
"That was odd," Parvati noted.
"I know. I didn't even know Professor Black did study sessions before class!" Hermione said, her eyes wide with possibilities.
"C'mon, Hermione. You don't need a study session," Ron said lightly.
Hermione blushed and said, "Well, thank you Ronald, but I most certainly do. Now, let's get back to our work."
The gaggle of Gryffindors studied for another 10 minutes before heading to class.
Harry, meanwhile, didn't know where he wanted to go to. Something inside of him must've been leading him because he ended up in his history classroom.
"Professor?" Harry called out as he popped his head in. "Professor Black?" "Dadfoot?"
Sirius wasn't there. He had gotten into lunch as Harry was basically done, so it wasn't a surprise that he wasn't there. Harry didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed.
Harry went to his seat and slid into it. He grabbed his quill, textbook, and parchment out and set them on his desk. His leg quickly started to shake and his eyes darted all over the classroom. He grabbed a fidget out of his backpack, but that only lasted for about a minute.
"Fuck it all," Harry muttered as he got up and swung his backpack over his shoulder, and ran up the stairs (only tripping once) to his godfather's office.
Harry shut the door behind him and threw his bag down on the ground. He tried to sit on the red velvet couch, but that didn't work, either. Harry slid off the couch and onto the floor, trying to ground himself both metaphorically and physically.
A few moments and several curse words later, Harry gave up on any of the grounding exercises, too. "Fuck it all," Harry said again before opening up his bag and dumping it out. The itch was too strong and the voice was too loud. Harry felt like he had to do something about it.
"Bloody parents," Harry muttered as he roughly rummaged through the contents of his bag. "Nothing's in here."
Harry then got up and shakily tried to find something in his dadfoot's office.
Unfortunately for Harry (or fortunately, depending on who you are), his parents were rather thorough with putting away or getting rid of anything sharp. Harry couldn't even find fresh quill nibs anywhere.
Harry gave up and sat back down on the floor. It didn't give him as much relief, but he was desperate. Harry pulled out his wand and used a cutting curse on his arm. Harry did it a couple more times with more power until he finally let out a breath. He had to get rid of that overpowering feeling of needing the release.
Harry used the curse again, feeling himself relax as the voice in his head started to dull.
Sirius Black had finished lunch and was on his way to teach class for his fifth years, which was always a fun time. When he arrived in class there were several students already there, including most of the Gryffindors. Harry's spot had his stuff in it, but he wasn't there. Sirius had just assumed that he was going to the bathroom and didn't think much of it. The professor went to grab some notes from his office when a voice stopped him.
"Professor?"
"Yes, Ms. Granger?" Sirius asked kindly, turning around to look at the witch.
"I had a few questions I wanted to ask you before class started."
"On this last chapter? It was on Hogwarts, wasn't it? I daresay you know more about it than I do," Sirius pointed out.
Hermione blushed and said, "I doubt that, Professor. And no, they were some OWL questions."
Sirius quickly glanced at the clock before giving her a nod. "Go ahead."
"Great!" Hermione smiled. "How can you remember the difference between the Goblin War of 1496 and the Goblin War of 1649?"
"Ah, excellent question," Sirius said before going into the explanation. By the time Sirius had finished explaining, it was about class time.
"Thank you, Professor!"
"Certainly. Now, go take your seat," Sirius urged her.
Hermione nodded and sat down, feverishly writing down everything Sirius said.
Sirius looked around and saw almost a full classroom. "Where is Mr. Potter?" Sirius asked, walking to the front center of the classroom.
"He said he had a study session with you, Professor," Hermione said, looking up from her notes.
Sirius was confused before plastering on a fake smile. "Oh, yes! That! I must've forgotten to tell him to come down. We've been working so hard, you see."
The class nodded and Sirius once again thanked Merlin for his dramatics and flamboyancy.
"I'm going to see if he's still in my office. Uh, Ms. Granger?"
"Yes, Professor?"
"Start teaching the class about the chapter we just read."
"Sir?" Hermione asked.
"It was on Hogwarts. You know it inside and out. Go on. I'll get a full report from the class, yes?" Sirius asked as he went up the stairs, looking at the class.
"Yes, Professor," students echoed.
"Alright," Hermione agreed as she went up to the chalkboard and started to write some things down.
Sirius was hoping that Harry was in the office or left a clue where he went. He wasn't sure but he would get the map if he wasn't there.
Sirius opened his office door and while he was hoping for Harry to be there, he certainly wasn't expecting to be met with the sight he saw.
Harry was sitting on the ground with his bag dumped all over the ground. Some drawers were open and Harry had his left forearm out and it was covered in blood and his right hand was holding his wand.
Sirius shut the door and wandlessly and silently placed a locking charm on the door as well as a silencing charm.
"Harry- put the wand down," Sirius said calmly as he took a careful step toward the distressed teenager.
"No," Harry spat as he made another cut.
Sirius was momentarily thrown back into the past. He remembered a situation like this with Remus and he needed to approach it differently.
"Harry, you can keep your wand."
"What?" Harry asked, looking up.
"You can keep your wand. I'm not going to try to take it from you. See, I'll even put my wand on my desk, see?"
While Harry knew that Sirius could use wandless magic, that was an important gesture because it showed that Sirius wasn't trying to control Harry or trick him, which, in Harry's current mindset, was likely.
"I just don't want you to cut yourself with the wand right now. You can keep it and I'm not going to take it from you. I just don't want you to hurt yourself right now," Sirius said, taking another step closer with his hands raised.
"But I need to," Harry pleaded, hot tears in his eyes.
"I know, I know. If you still feel like you need to in 10 minutes then you can, alright?"
Harry thought about it for a moment before nodding. "Okay," he agreed.
"Okay," Sirius echoed, smiling in relief.
Harry dejectedly lowered his right hand but kept a tight grip on his wand.
"Harry, can I come closer to you?" Sirius asked.
Harry looked up at him and nodded, only a bit apprehensive.
Sirius came closer to Harry and sat down next to him. "Harry, can I call Moony Da?"
"No!" Harry cried out, his grip on his wand tightening and red sparks coming out of the top.
"Okay, okay, I won't. I promise. Out of curiosity, why not?" Sirius asked cautiously.
"I don't want to! I don't want any of these coping mechanisms and none of them work! I don't want someone to figure anything out right now! I just want to be!"
Sirius nodded, but in his head, he was thinking about how similar this was to Remus' situation all those years ago.
"Yeah, I understand. Sometimes we just need to just be heard."
Harry half nodded but didn't verbally reply.
Sirius allowed silence for a moment before saying, "May I bandage up your arm?"
"No!" Harry said, protectively moving his arm closer to him.
"That's okay. I won't," Sirius easily agreed.
"Oh. Okay. Good."
"If I give you some supplies to clean your wounds out, will you?" Sirius asked.
"Maybe," Harry shrugged.
"Good enough for me," Sirius said. He got up and went to a closet and grabbed a basket off of the top shelf. Inside were magical and muggle first aid supplies. Sirius brought the whole basket down and set it next to Harry.
"You used your wand, correct?"
Harry nodded.
"Muggle first aid will work better. If you decide you want to clean out your wounds, I suggest this and this," Sirius said, pulling two bottles out, some gauze, and a bandage roll, before pushing the rest of the basket away.
"Y-you're not gonna make me?" Harry asked.
"Nope. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to do. I do think that it would help if you cleaned up your arm, but I'm certainly not going to make you."
"Why?" Harry asked as his eyes flickered between the first aid supplies and Sirius.
"Harry, Love," Sirius began warmly. "You want to be in control right now. I am here to listen to you and to give you that control, yeah? I'm here to remind you that I love you and that you're not alone. I'm here to listen. I'm not going to tell you what to do."
Harry nodded.
It was quiet again before Sirius said, "Can I put a blanket on you? The floor can be chilly sometimes."
Harry shrugged. "Sure."
Sirius once again got up and went to the closet where he pulled out a fluffy blanket (which Harry later realized was a weighted blanket).
"Here you go," Sirius said as he put it on Harry's lap.
Harry mumbled a thank you and looked away. After about a minute he shakily reached for one of the bottles to start to clean his arm. He stumbled a bit when trying to use the bottles and wipe some of the blood away with the gauze and it dripped onto the floor. Harry let out a frustrated breath and blushed and said, "Uh, c-can you help?"
"I'd be happy to," Sirius said warmly. He skillfully helped clean up Harry's arm and once the blood was cleared away and the wounds were clean, Sirius asked, "Can I put on a bandage?"
Harry hesitated before shaking his head.
"That's okay. What about gauze?" Sirius asked kindly.
Harry hesitated again, but this time he nodded.
"Okay, wonderful," Sirius said as he placed some gauze patches on Harry's arm. He knew they wouldn't really stay there, but at least the wounds were covered for now.
"How're you feeling?" Sirius asked.
Harry shrugged.
Sirius hummed and nodded. "I understand."
It was quiet and Harry felt relieved that Sirius wasn't pushing him to talk about anything. Harry took his time to look around the office, seeing all of the things that Sirius had.
Sirius noticed this and saw Harry's eyes linger on a mirror. "You see that mirror?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah," Harry replied.
"That belonged to my arithmancy professor when I was in Hogwarts. Third year, first day, it was our icebreaker question. Professor Thudston asked how many triangles were in that mirror. James took the class, too. We had different answers so we made a bet. Whoever was right got to choose who we were to prank next. If he was right, we were going to prank this group of Ravenclaws who had been giving Peter a bit of a hard time. If I was right, we were going to prank my brother and his friends." Sirius winced at that and added, "not my proudest moment."
"Who was right? What was the answer?" Harry asked.
"Well, how many triangles do you see in that mirror?"
Harry looked at it and counted them. He had to recount a few times and it took him at least a minute before responding, "Seventeen".
Sirius nodded. "That's what I said."
"And were you right?"
Sirius smiled. "I was. Your father guessed fifteen."
"Oh, so he must've forgotten that if you split it diagonally, where that line is, it makes up two triangles, right?"
Sirius nodded. "Exactly. We ended up pranking my brother and his friends. It wasn't anything too terrible, mind you, but I still wish I treated him better."
"You were a third year, Dadfoot. It's okay. I don't think anyone reaches peak maturity when they're a third year."
Sirius smiled at Harry, "You are absolutely right. Thank you, Son."
Harry shrugged again but smiled. He continued to look around the room. At one point, a piece of gauze fell off and Harry stared at it.
Sirius noticed this and gently touched Harry on the hand. "Harry? Are you okay? Do you want me to bandage your arm?"
Harry nodded. He knew the cuts would only trigger him more.
"I'll get right on it," Sirius assured him, grabbing the roll of bandage. He replaced the gauze as Harry looked away. Sirius got about halfway through before a knock on the door interrupted them.
"Professor Black? Are you in there?"
Harry's face was drained of all blood as the doorknob jiggled. He tried to scoot away and yanked his arm out of Sirius' gentle hold.
Sirius could've let out a long string of expletives but tried to channel his inner Moony and stayed calm. "Shh, it's alright, Pup. I have a silencing and locking charm on the door. No one is getting in. Let me talk to them, alright?"
Harry nodded but tried to further scoot away to the side of the couch, not to be seen.
Sirius got off the floor and went to the door. He opened it the slightest bit and saw a sliver of Hermione Granger. He waved his wand, removing the silencing charm, and slipped out, but didn't shut the door all the way.
"Professor? Are you alright?" Hermione asked.
Sirius gave her a smile, albeit forced. "I'm fine, Ms. Granger. I, uh, have something I am handling right now. Class is canceled and I need you all to read the next chapter, alright?"
Hermione was confused, but she quickly connected the dots that something must be going on with Harry. "O-okay, Professor."
Hermione walked down the stairs and Sirius slipped back inside, reapplying the silencing and locked charms He made his way over to Harry who was still rather scared but seemed to relax the smallest bit at seeing Sirius come back into the room.
"Hi there, Pup. Everything's alright. It's just me and you," Sirius reassured him, making his way back over to his godson.
Sirius sat back down next to him and said, "May I keep wrapping up your arm?"
Harry shook his head.
Sirius expected that but didn't love to see his son so upset. "That's alright."
Harry bit his lip, but saw Sirius' reassuring smile and relaxed. He looked around again at all of the interesting pieces Sirius had in his office.
Harry reached out and felt the red velvet couch. "Soft," Harry whispered.
"Yeah, it is," Sirius replied gently. He knew that when Harry was triggered or having big emotions, he would go inside himself or even regress. Sirius and Remus had talked about it a ton and Remus helped educate Sirius on it. Both were very understanding and knowledgeable and did everything they could to support Harry in any way possible.
Harry continued to feel the couch. He didn't know he was doing it, but the textured couch help ground Harry enough to bring him back to reality.
Sirius saw how having his senses stimulated was helping him. "Do you want me to turn some music on, Pup?" Sirius also knew that sometimes silence was good and other times it left one alone with their thoughts, which wasn't a great thing.
"Okay," Harry agreed, still rubbing his hand on the couch.
Sirius got up and walked to the record player he had in his office. He shuffled through a few vinyls until he stopped at one. "Billy Joel?"
Harry nodded agreeably.
Sirius put the record on and went back to Harry.
After a song played and went on to the next one, Harry seemed to be more in the present. "You can, y'know, keep bandaging my arm," Harry shrugged.
Sirius smiled. "Okay, Pup. Thank you." Sirius carefully bandaged the rest of Harry's arm and when he was done he carefully cut and tucked the bandage. "There, all set."
"Thanks," Harry murmured.
"Do you want to move off the floor? Maybe in the chair or on the couch?" Sirius asked.
Harry slowly slid up onto the couch.
"Can I join you?" Sirius asked.
Harry nodded. "O' course."
Sirius sat down on the other side of the couch. As time went by, Harry started to slowly inch toward Sirius and he eventually was laying on him (that probably took 15 minutes) and Sirius ran his hands through Harry's hair.
When 'She's Always a Woman' came on, Sirius smiled and spoke, "Do you remember the story about your dad and your mom with this song?"
Harry smiled. "Yeah, but can you tell it again?"
"Of course," Sirius smiled. "We're listening to his greatest hits album, which your parents never got to hear, unfortunately, but this song came out in 1977, and they were very much alive then. Your dad serenaded your mom with this song. And remember, your dad couldn't sing at all. It was rather hilarious. He ended up proposing later that night. They danced to that song at their wedding. It was the last song they slow danced to. Your dad reminded your mom that no matter what her family said about her, she'd always be a woman to him."
"How was my dad such a prat and a romantic at the same time?" Harry asked, not sure if he wanted to smile, tear up, or roll his eyes.
"Your mother asked herself that same question. I guess she ended up leaning more into the romantic side because you were born three years later," Sirius teased him.
"Dadfoot! Gross!" Harry cried, but he didn't bother moving.
"It's fun teasing you, though."
"You have many others to tease," Harry pointed out.
"You're right, and here's part of the story I forgot until now."
"What?" Harry asked.
"The next night, James, Remus, and I celebrated James' engagement. Peter was invited but couldn't go for some family reason, or so he told us," Sirius scowled but quickly shook it off. "Anyway, we were rather drunk and this song came on in a pub. I started to tease James with his serenading by serenading Remus with this song. I changed the lyrics and James joined in."
"What'd you change them to?" Harry asked, intrigued.
Sirius chuckled and Harry had to smile feeling the warmth of his laughter in his chest. "He's always a werewolf," Sirius laughed.
Harry laughed, which was music to Sirius' ears. "No way? Really?"
Sirius nodded. "Mmhmm, we did. Remus didn't find it funny at first, but near the end, he was holding back laughter."
"What about other people hearing you?" Harry asked, thinking back to how much of a secret it was.
"Luckily we were in the Three Broomsticks and no one else was in there. Madame Rosmerta either knew or didn't care. Looking back, she probably knew."
Harry chuckled and relaxed. "Yeah, she probably did. She knows when every Hogwarts student turns 17 and I don't know anyone who has been able to get a drink from her beforehand, not even Fred and George."
"And how would you know that?" Sirius asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Just, uh, heard some things. I'm a good boy who does everything right. I'm never in trouble."
Sirius just tickled Harry and then said, "I'm just teasing you, Cub. I did much worse at your age. Besides, I think Moony and I will know when you drink for the first time."
"You're so sure of that, huh?" Harry challenged him.
"The marauders were kings at hiding hangovers. And hiding that we were animagi. And hiding that Remus was a werewolf. And hiding, well, many things."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. I know Moony Da had a lot of things to hide," Harry said as he glanced at his arm.
"He may have had some, but look at him now! And you, Harry, are going to be just as wonderful, in your own way, of course. Hardships do not determine your future. You are not controlled by your past. You have a bright future ahead of you and don't let anyone, including yourself, tell you any different."
"Yeah, I'm working on it, but I'm not always the best at it."
"Hey," Sirius said, gently touching Harry's face to have the raven-haired boy look up at him from his position. "You are doing well. We are so proud of you. Moony Da and I are always here for you."
"Thanks, Dadfoot," Harry said.
Sirius raked his fingers through Harry's hair for a bit longer before he spoke again. "Harry, are you doing better now?"
"Yeah, a lot. Thank you."
"Of course, of course. I'm going to ask you a question and if you aren't ready to answer it, that's okay, alright?"
"Okay," Harry responded, a bit apprehensively.
"Did Moony Da do anything wrong?"
"No! Not at all!" Harry quickly said. He sat up to look at Sirius. "It's just-" Harry sighed and grabbed a pillow to hug. He shifted his eyes down. "I didn't want to stop. Moony Da would've made me stop. And I said something to him in Grandma Min's quarters and I'm just not ready to talk about it."
"That's okay, Harry. I know that Moony Da respects your boundaries. He has, hasn't he?"
"Oh, yes!" Harry quickly agreed, looking up at Sirius once again. "Moony Da has been great! I just," Harry sighed and looked down. "I don't know what to do. I was hurting so much and I didn't want help."
"I understand. You are allowed the feel that way."
"Now you sound like Moony Da."
"Bollocks," Sirius said dejectedly, clearly joking.
Harry smiled and once again put his hand on the red velvet couch and moved the fabric around, creating designs.
"Harry, Love?" Sirius asked, seeing his godson start to disassociate.
"Hm?" Harry asked, not looking up.
"Can I get Moony Da? He will want to help you."
"Okay," Harry agreed. He didn't want Moony Da at first, but he's okay now.
"Are you going to be okay by yourself?"
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
Sirius studied him and then nodded. "Okay. I'm going to get Moony Da. I'll be right back."
Harry hummed in response, still stuck on the couch.
Sirius put some tracking and monitoring charms on Harry and went to the fireplace and flooed over to Remus' office, where he was immediately let in.
"Padfoot? Are you okay?" Remus asked when Sirius had stepped out of the fireplace.
"You aren't in a session or anything, right?" Sirius asked, looking around.
"No. My next student has just canceled. Why? What's up?"
"It's Harry."
"What happened?" Remus asked.
"He didn't show up for class, but his stuff was there. I guess he told his friends we had a study session. I found him in my office. He had cut up his arm and used his wand. He's okay, really. I wanted to get you, but he refused. He wouldn't give up his wand. Do you remember that situation in your fifth year like that? You wouldn't give anything up and you didn't want any help? I know there were a few times like that, but I'm thinking of one in particular. You were in our dorm."
Remus nodded as his face clouded with the memory. "I remember. Harry was like that?"
"So much so. He wouldn't give up his wand and he didn't want any help. He wanted control. It took me over an hour to have him lay on me, Rem. I was able to bandage up his arm, though. He's in my office right now."
"You left him alone?" Remus asked, surprised.
"Yes, but he's safe. I put tracking and monitoring charms on him. I needed to tell you."
Remus nodded but was still worried. "Come on, let's get back. You can tell me more later."
Sirius nodded and flooed with Remus back to his office. Harry had gotten off of the couch and was back on the floor, his knees to his chest.
"Hi, Harry," Remus said softly as he walked toward his godson. "How're you doing?"
"'M okay," Harry replied, running his finger along the velvet.
Remus sat down next to him. "How's that feel?"
"Soft," Harry said, just like earlier with Sirius.
"It is, you're right," Remus affirmed softly. He looked to the side of Harry and saw the blanket off of him. "Harry, your blanket must have fallen off. Can I put it back on?"
Harry nodded.
Remus went to lift the blanket onto Harry and was surprised by its weight. He put it on his son and gave Sirius an approving nod and smile, causing Sirius to smile and puff out his chest.
Remus smiled back and was happy to see his husband proud. Remus mouthed 'good job,' causing a larger grin on his husband before Sirius slipped out.
Harry was being grounded by this weight and blinked. "Moony Da?"
"Hi, Love," Remus said, reaching out to do a love touch to Harry.
"Did Dadfoot tell you?"
"He did," Remus affirmed.
"Are you mad?"
"No, not at all!" Remus assured him. "I am not mad. Why would you think that?"
"Cause I hurt myself. And because I didn't want you when Dadfoot found me."
"Love, I am not mad at all. I am proud that you were in Dadfoot's office which shows us that you were trying to find help, am I right?"
"Yes! Exactly!" Harry exclaimed, almost forgetting why he was there in the first place. "I went to his classroom and I tried the strategies, but I'd been trying them all day. I went to his office and he wasn't there and I just couldn't take it anymore! I couldn't do it!" Harry cried.
"I understand, Harry. You are safe," Remus assured his upset son.
"I just needed that release and I didn't want anything else. I think I disassociated a few times, too. Kinda like what I just did," Harry admitted, blushing.
"That's okay! That's typical. You are not alone," Remus quickly assured him, not wanting Harry to feel embarrassed by his actions.
"Dadfoot helped me. I'm better now," Harry said.
"I'm glad to hear that. Do you want to move to the couch or stay on the floor?" Remus asked kindly.
"The couch, I guess," Harry said.
Remus helped Harry up and got him situated on the couch when he sat next to him. "How are you feeling now?"
Harry shrugged. "I mean I'm better, but not great. I don't know," Harry admitted.
"That's okay. I know hurting yourself is a release, but after your body doesn't feel the same way."
"Exactly! I feel so good when it happens and then I feel numb… and empty," Harry admitted.
Remus nodded. "Your body processes physical pain and emotional pain in the same spot. So when you hurt yourself, you are only processing the physical pain and your body releases endorphins to help with the pain your body feels. Of course, that is only temporary so you're left feeling empty after that rush of hormones."
"Really?" Harry asked, shocked there was an actual explanation.
"I feel so, well, I know I'm not supposed to use this word, crazy when I do it, but now that I know that when people do it there's a reason!"
"Yes, Love, there is. That's why it is so addicting. You are not crazy. You are a person who is in so much pain and just wants relief. There is nothing crazy about that."
Harry nodded tears in his eyes.
"Harry, what are you thinking?" Remus asked, handing him a tissue.
Harry took it but looked away. "It's just so hard," Harry whispered.
"What is?"
"Everything! It's all so much. It's a fight to get through each day and I can't forget that I'm a bloody Horcrux and the fight is just constant."
Remus nodded. "I know. It's exhausting."
"It is! And you keep asking me about what I said in Grandma Min's quarters and I think about it all the time! But I don't want to talk about it!"
"I am not going to make you talk about it if you don't want to, Harry, but why do you think you don't want to?"
Harry shrugged.
"Do you want to know what I think?"
Harry nodded, half knowing that Remus was going to hit the nail on the head with his explanation.
"I think that you don't want to talk about it because it's scary. You don't want to admit it to yourself. It truly is a big feeling that can seem all-encompassing. It's okay to feel that way, Harry," Remus reminded him gently.
Harry thought back to that moment when he whispered in Remus' ear.
"Cub, I promise you, we didn't want to keep this secret. It is dangerous, destructive, and disturbing, you are right. We kept it because we felt like if we were to tell you then, your actions would cause us to lose you. We didn't want that," Remus said.
Harry bit his tongue and turned away.
"What is it?" Remus asked gently, knowing this look on Harry's face.
Harry just shook his head, tears in his eyes.
Remus got up and slowly approached Harry. "Harry, what is it?"
"I can't do it here, Moony Da," Harry whispered, his voice low.
Remus, not even hesitating, waved his wand and put up a silencing charm. "No one else can hear us. What is it?"
Harry leaned forward and whispered in Remus' ear.
"Would that have been so bad?"
Harry was so upset and so quiet that Remus was only able to hear him because of his werewolf hearing.
At Harry's whisper, his heart broke. "Oh, Harry. Oh, Cub," Remus said, enveloping Harry in a hug. "You are so incredibly loved. We are so glad you are here. We need you here."
Harry just muffled a sob into Remus' shoulder. Remus held Harry close and whispered in his ear.
"It's just that this is all so much. It's a lot to handle. It shouldn't be something you and Dadfoot have to put up with," Harry said softly.
"Harry, you are our everything. You are not something we put up with and neither is anything you're dealing with. If there was a world, Heaven forbid, without you, Voldemort would still be here. We'd still have this fight. You give us hope, Harry. And no, not because you're the 'chosen one', but because you are our son. We love you for who you are. Gosh, the world is so much better with you in it. Your spirit, tenacity, joy, bravery, kindness, courage, forgiveness, chivalry, determination, and love bring so much to this world. Harry, you are loved."
"I just wish it wasn't this hard," Harry sobbed, finally breaking down in front of Remus.
"Oh, Love," Remus murmured. He put his hand out to rub Harry's back and the teen gave in to his need for support and fell into the werewolf's lap.
"Shh, I got you, Harry. You are safe with me. I've got you," Remus murmured to his son as he rubbed his back.
Once Harry's sobs subsided, Harry stayed in this position with Remus, feeling safer than he had all day. "C-can we just listen to the music right now? I-I'm not r-ready to talk yet."
"Of course we can," Remus replied warmly. "I'm here for you. Whenever you want to talk, you can."
Harry nodded and nuzzled further into his uncle.
They listened to music for a long time. Luckily, this was a magic record player that Sirius had charmed back in the day. You didn't have to get up to switch sides of records, it just did it for you. You could even put a vinyl in of what you wanted to play next.
They were nearing side four of Billy Joel's Greatest Hits and Harry was enjoying the warmth and comfort he felt. He was listening to the lyrics sometimes and other times he would get lost in his thoughts before a tender squeeze from Remus would help bring him back to reality.
However, this time lyrics brought Harry firmly to the present.
You're having a hard time and lately, you don't feel so good.
Harry sat up straight. He hadn't heard this song before.
You're gettin' a bad reputation in the neighborhood.
Harry thought about all of the lies the Daily Prophet was printing and the bad reputation that was created for him because of it.
"Moony Da? Did you do something to the record?" Harry asked, not believing this song.
Remus smiled at him. "I didn't. This is a Billy Joel song."
"I-I've never heard it before," Harry responded, listening in awe.
Remus' eyes twinkled as he watched Harry eagerly listen to the song, remembering how he listened to it the same way when he listened to it.
You've been keeping to yourself these days
'Cause you're thinking everything's gone wrong
Sometimes you just want to lay down and die
That emotion can be so strong
But hold on
Till that old second wind comes along
Harry's eyes welled up with tears hearing that. "Th-that's it, Moony Da. Merlin. Why have I never heard this song before?"
"You probably did hear it when you were younger, but not for a while. It's relatable, huh?"
"So much!" Harry exclaimed, wiping any traces of tears from his eyes. "So much of it. It's like he understood. How did he write that, Moony Da?" Harry asked.
Remus gave Harry a bit of a sad smile. "When Billy Joel was younger, he tried to kill himself."
Harry gasped. He didn't know that.
"He was alright but wrote this song, You're Only Human (Second Wind), about his experience. He raised funds and awareness for youth, teen, and young adult depression and suicide. The stigma was even stronger then and he was really brave for speaking out and continuing to do so."
"I didn't know. It makes sense that he gets so many of those feelings right. I mean, he even says that sometimes you just want to lay down and- ya know," Harry said, averting his eyes from Remus and looking down.
"But you know what he also says?" Remus asked gently, causing Harry to look up once again.
Harry shrugged.
"He says to hold on. Your second wind is coming. That means that you have more momentum coming. Big things are ahead. Good things are ahead. There is a light. You just have to hold on and it'll be there."
Harry sniffed hearing the passion in his father's voice.
"Oh Harry, Cub, hold on. I know how hard it can be. I know it seems like you are drowning. I can tell you that Dadfoot and I are always here for you. We will always be there to bring you up for air. You are our world, Harry James. Hold on. Your second wind is coming. Hold on."
Harry leaned forward and wrapped Remus in a hug. "I love you, Moony Da."
"And I love you, Harry. So incredibly much."
Harry held on longer until he broke away, once again wiping away some tears.
"Harry, I want to keep talking to you, but do you think we could go to my office? Sirius' office is very nice but not so, well-"
"Comfortable?" Harry supplied with a smile.
Remus grimaced and nodded.
Harry chuckled and said, "Yeah, I agree. But it's what makes the two of you work."
"They do complement each other, don't they?" Remus mused as he led Harry to the floo.
Remus and Harry side along flooed to his office where Remus took his usual spot in his armchair and Harry settled on the couch. He felt odd without the blanket, but Remus had thought of that and given him one from his cupboard.
"Here you go, Cub. Try this."
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said, the weight grounding him.
"It's my job," Remus winked. "Now, before I bring something up, is there anything you want to address at this moment?"
Harry shook his head.
"Alright. Just let me know if that changes, okay?"
Harry nodded and gave a small smile.
"I first want to double-check that Dadfoot took care of your arm. Are you physically okay?"
Harry looked at his arm and nodded. "Yeah. He was real patient, too."
Remus smiled. "I am so glad to hear that. He unfortunately has had practice with this. I'm glad that he took care of you."
"He really did," Harry agreed.
"Good. Next, I want to know how you're feeling. Do you still want to hurt yourself?"
Harry shifted uncomfortably but knew Remus had to ask that question. "More than usual, but not like before. I could be left alone, but I don't want to be if that makes sense," Harry replied.
Remus nodded and wrote something down. "Yeah, it does. Thanks for being honest with me. I'm really proud of you."
Harry blushed and looked away before grabbing a fidget off the desk and fiddling with it as Remus wrote some things down.
"What can I do to help you right now?" Remus asked as he set his papers down.
Harry shrugged. "I dunno. I did a lot of coping skills and none of them worked! I don't want to do them right now. I don't have the patience for them."
Remus nodded again. "Yeah, I understand that. If you could pick what you wanted to do right now, what would it be?"
Harry thought before saying, "I'm not sure. I don't have a lot of energy. I don't really want to think, either. I just want to maybe read or watch a movie or something."
Remus smiled at him and said, "I think we can arrange that."
"Really?" Harry asked, surprised. "It's Tuesday. We have school tomorrow."
"We can still spend the evening somewhere else before coming back here. Harry, you have to remember that Sirius and I will do anything for you. We love you so much."
"I love you too," Harry said, but averted his eyes and blushed.
Remus was quiet, thinking of a plan, before his eyes lit up. "I have an idea. Let me get Dadfoot here and we'll talk about it."
"I can be alone, Moony Da," Harry protested.
Remus raised an eyebrow.
"I can!" Harry insisted, albeit weakly.
"Be that as it may," Remus said softly, I would still rather have you in my sight right now."
"Yeah, I get it," Harry sighed, going back to the fidget.
"It's a work in progress, yeah?" Remus reminded him. "Keep your head up."
Harry gave him a small smile at that and went back to his fidget.
Remus sent Sirius a Patronus, telling him to come to the office, and then wrote some things down on the paper he had, giving Harry a few minutes of silence to collect his thoughts.
Sirius came through the floo within a few minutes, out of breath. "I came as fast as I could," Sirius panted.
"Padfoot, I told you it wasn't anything urgent," Remus said, getting a glass of water for his husband.
"Huh," Sirius said, looking up. "I must've missed that part."
Remus just shook his head and rubbed Sirius' back as he caught his breath. "Harry wants to go away for the night and I have an idea, but I wanted to run it by you first."
"Shoot," Sirius said, listening.
Remus put up a silencing charm so Harry wouldn't be able to hear as he talked to Sirius, whose smile grew as Remus talked.
"I love it, Moony."
"Brilliant. Do you think we can leave within the hour? We can take turns being with Harry and bring him back to the Marauder Quarters to pack?"
"Yeah, that sounds great, but you don't want to leave him alone?" Sirius asked, the concern clear in his voice.
Remus sighed and glanced at Harry who had picked up the Rubix Cube now. "No, I don't. He's not at a huge risk, but he still has some, and Sirius, he's relapsed twice within a couple of weeks. He's also had some really difficult news to take in and he's still a hormonal teenager. I'd like to keep him in my sight or at least earshot."
Sirius felt guilty about leaving Harry alone earlier and Remus seemed to be able to read his thoughts. "No, Sirius. You didn't do anything wrong when you left him alone for maybe two minutes earlier. You had tracking and monitoring charms on him, correct?"
Sirius nodded.
"And you did a thorough assessment to make sure he was alright. You also only left him alone for a couple of minutes. That's okay. I just don't want to leave him alone for long periods of time today and tomorrow."
Sirius felt a bit better and took a deep breath. "Okay, yeah, that makes sense. Thanks, Rem."
"Of course, Love. Now, I should probably let someone know we're leaving. Do you want to stay here with Harry while I inform Minerva?"
"Sounds good," Sirius affirmed.
Remus canceled the silencing charm after kissing Sirius and flooed away while Sirius went back over to Harry.
"Hi, Pup. How're you doing?" Sirius asked kindly, sitting next to Harry on the couch.
"Better. I talked to Moony Da."
"Did it help?"
"Yeah," Harry said, looking down at the fidget in his hand.
"I'm glad to hear that. Moony Da says we're breaking out of this joint for the night. He's got some good ideas."
Harry smiled hearing that. "Thanks for doing all this for me. I don't want to bother you two."
"You're not a bother at all! You're our son! And we love doing this! A break from our routine is helpful for us, too. We love you. We'd tell you if we weren't happy, and you know that."
Harry hesitated and Sirius said, "First year with the stone? Flying car with Ron? Trying to find Pettigrew? Scaring us out of our wits in your tasks?"
"Now that last one wasn't my fault!" Harry protested, but smiled.
"You're right, but we still told you how scared we were! We really don't try to keep secrets and feelings from you, Pup. We love you."
"And I love you too," Harry replied.
Sirius pulled Harry into a hug and kissed his head.
They both sat in comfortable silence until Remus came back. Then, they went to the Marauder Quarters and packed a small bag before taking off for the evening. Harry didn't know what to expect, but he knew he was safe, and that was more than he could say earlier today. Feeling safe is certainly a comfortable feeling and Harry would take that all day long.
Alternatives to Harming Yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music