Right foot forward, left foot back. Left palm in front, right palm behind. Deep breaths, in and out.
"Very good, Hinata-sama. Your balance, it's very good."
She blinked. Neji nii-san was...well, he wasn't nasty to her while training. But he was sparing with his compliments. There wasn't any loud clapping or cheering from a Hyuuga. Neji nii-san showed approval through small head bobs and the barest traces of a smile. Very good was effusive, heartwarming praise, coming from him.
"Now...remember...your kiai needs to emanate from your belly, seep into your bones, and flood your heart." He paused before adding, "Louder than Naruto."
"Louder than Naruto-kun?" She bit back a smile. There it was, the third time this week that he'd brought up Naruto during a training session. She wasn't the only one who'd metamorphosed after the Chuunin Exams. "That's a tall order, Neji nii-san."
"Yes. But you have a resilient mind, just like him. I know you can do it."
Right foot forward, left foot back. Left palm in front, right palm behind. Deep breaths, in and out.
She smashed a finger into the straw dummy's ribcage and brought her right hand slamming into its neck.
Two palms.
Thwack.
The dummy's stomach split, revealing yellow straw and white stuffing.
Four palms.
Thwack.
The head was lolling.
Eight palms.
Thwack.
The arm torn to stuffing.
Sixteen palms.
Thwack.
Leg torn to stuffing.
Thirty-two palms.
Thwack.
Another neck jab.
Sixty-four –
"Hinata-sama?"
"Ah, good morning, nii-san," she said, wearing a smile so fake that Sai would have been proud. She surreptitiously folded her hands behind her back, gazing at her handiwork. The practice dummy had taken a beating so ferocious that only the most fragile fraying thread kept its head on its body.
"Why are you here?" her cousin asked, frowning deeply. "Sakura said that you shouldn't be doing any taijutsu. Not until she finds a cure for your illness."
"But Neji nii-san, I need to practice my kihon. I understand that I can't do sparring right now, but I am nothing without my fundamentals."
"You are everything, as your fundamentals have been perfect for years. Please rest."
She blinked.
Neji nii-san was always sparing with compliments. He would, at best, give her a small head bob. The barest traces of a smile. Neji nii-san didn't call her perfect. He knew she wasn't perfect. Actually, he knew that she was a loser. A failure who couldn't protect the one who had always protected her.
Blood dripped from the gashes on her hands to the ground. The dirt turned as ruby red as he had on that day, the day when he caught her eye and she caught his. When she turned away to hide a smile. The day she was about to grasp a fistful of golden light in one palm and damp, heavy cloud in the other.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" asked her cousin, her beloved older brother. "He...he never would have allowed you to bear this burden."
Hinata swiped her tongue against the roof of her mouth and found the fuzz of a floret. She forced herself to look straight ahead. Always looking forward, never looking back.
It was the least she could do.
The day was bright and clear, the strong winds of March having given way to serene, gentle clouds floating along the edges of the world. It was, honestly, one of the best days for a tracking team. Kakashi-sensei had taken just one look at her before shaking his head no.
"But Kakashi-sensei, I have to repay my debt to Naruto-kun. Even though I'm sick, I'm sure that I can do something. Anything."
The Hokage's eyes seemed a million miles away, fogging over with memories of times long gone by.
"Just take a break, Hinata. You've got quite a lot to be getting on with."
He touched the deep scar zigzagging over his left eye and finally gave her a crinkling crescent-shaped smile. It was calm and sad and held something far too close to what was in her heart.
She was here but he wasn't here. Her feet carried her through the winding dirt road, past happy, cheerful crowds of villagers finishing up their morning shopping. They had a mind of their own, her feet. Before she knew it, she'd passed a chain-link fence and found herself under a canopy of deep purple flowers.
Oh. This place.
The wood was freshly sanded and the rope was new.
She sat down, staring at the spots of blood on her white skirt. There was a high amount of chlorophyll in those stains, apparently.
She wondered if he would have found it funny, joked about her spontaneously manifesting Wood Release. Or perhaps his face would have become overcast like a day at the end of winter.
The swing creaked plaintively under her weight.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
"Hinata?"
She looked up into the face of none other than her old sensei, from a time long since past.
The Academy hadn't changed that much in nine years. Still with the same old tiled flooring, the same old red wooden roof. Still the same old chalkboards and raised seats. But, Iruka-sensei had said, beaming brightly, there had been quite a few improvements to the curriculum, and the principal, his boss, had recently secured funding for a new library.
There were new faces beaming back up at her and sensei, but the same types of students. The students who sat in the front, with perfectly combed hair, neat pigtails, and endearingly large, blocky handwriting, the students who sat in the back nodding off, chattering, writing rude words on the desks, and otherwise creating disruptions so that Iruka-sensei's blood pressure would shoot sky-high. He'd put them all to shame, the greatest class troublemaker to ever live. She herself had sat in the middle seats, hunkering down, hoping no one would call on her to answer a question. An invisible girl. Maybe things would have been different, had she plucked up her nerve and sat down next to him.
"All right, class, settle down!" Iruka-sensei bellowed.
The students started jabbering away louder, one boy in particular having taken the instruction to settle down as a challenge to shout at the top of his lungs.
"Students, we have a guest!"
Someone threw a wad of rolled-up paper. Another snatched up someone else's potato chips.
The cacophony made her ears ring. Small wonder that Iruka-sensei didn't develop tinnitus after years of teaching.
"Her name is Hyuuga Hinata, chuunin, expert tracker, war hero, and close friend of Uzumaki Naruto!"
The class suddenly went from ear-splitting shrieking to deathly silence.
"Ah, that does the trick." Iruka-sensei smiled wistfully. "Naruto's name is like a magic bullet these days, eh, Hinata?" He turned back to face the students. "Listen up! Today, if – if you behave yourselves, you can ask Hyuuga Hinata-san any questions you have. Now let's get started!"
She'd been prepared for questions. After all, she and Iruka-sensei had discussed it, and she had agreed to participate. Questions about the war, the missions of a ninja, how it was like to be a chuunin. Him. She didn't know why she agreed, but then she remembered the look on Iruka-sensei's face during his funeral, and...and maybe he needed this as much as she did.
So she had been ready for any and all questions. What she hadn't been ready for was the lesson.
"Shadow Clone Jutsu is a B-rank technique in which the user in question creates one or more copies of themselves," Iruka-sensei said, chalk racing across the board in neat, flowing script. "You may use the seal of the horse or tiger to perform this technique. The user's chakra is evenly divided between themselves and the clones. Therefore, caution is paramount when using this move. Those without especially large reserves should avoid using Shadow Clone Jutsu because..."
Iruka-sensei cleared his throat. His voice was suddenly croaky and thick with unshed tears.
"Please pay attention, class. Those who overuse Shadow Clone Jutsu, particularly Multiple Shadow Clone Jutsu...they suffer from chakra exhaustion. It's not something to be done lightly or casually. Only one of my students has ever performed this jutsu so successfully. As a matter of fact, it was how he graduated from this Academy. And...and even he – "
"He was a hero," Hinata said, rising to her feet, her throat clear for the first time in weeks. "The hero of the Hidden Leaf."
The greatest Hokage who never was.
She was right. She needed this, and so did sensei.
"Uzumaki Naruto-kun was my classmate and friend. He saved my life with Multiple Shadow Clone Jutsu during the war. I still remember him so clearly."
Tall, bright, gold, and sparkling.
Don't get down on yourself! You're strong!
Crinkling eyes, smiling face.
She glanced out the window, eyes landing on the Hokage Monument.
"So...so please be careful if you ever decide to use this technique, students. It's a technique that only the greatest heroes can use. You could spread yourself wide and thin. To me, it looked like Uzumaki Naruto-kun had infinite energy. He spent himself to keep all you children safe."
There should have been a lump in her throat.
Don't get down on yourself! You're strong!
There wasn't, though.
"So please honor his sacrifice."
She met Iruka-sensei's gaze and gave him the smallest of smiles.
Hinata's medical check-up was at 5 pm. Hinata, unfortunately, arrived at the hospital one hour late, having fended off a mob of eager children lobbing volleys of questions at her.
"Ne, Hyuuga-san, did Naruto-san really punch Madara in the face?" (The answer was no.)
"Did he really befriend all the Tailed Beasts? Including the Kyuubi?" (The answer was yes.)
"Did he really use Reverse Harem Jutsu to defeat a goddess?" (She had no idea, having been under the Infinite Tsukuyomi. She didn't ask his teammates, either.)
"Was Naruto-san the guy you loved?"
Her mouth had turned to ash. She ducked her head and made excuses, hurrying away.
Iruka-sensei had seen her off at the gates of the Academy.
"Hinata, thank you." His eyes were red, but he smiled all the same. "Meet me for ramen one of these days?"
She hadn't been to Ichiraku since before the war. She didn't know if the cracked cushions had been replaced. But she did know that naruto was, for once, the most highly sought-after topping on the menu.
"I'd like that, Iruka-sensei."
Her self-appointed doctor was pacing up and down the pathology lab. Hinata gently rapped on the door and Sakura whirled around, face lighting up.
"Ah, there you are! I was worried that you had another flower vomiting incident," Sakura said, thumbing through the papers on her clipboard. "Please don't be late again, Hinata, it's nerve-wracking."
"Sorry, Sakura-san, I was just at the Academy, helping out Iruka-sensei," she mumbled, staring at the white tiled floor.
"Ahhh, I could never stay mad at you, Hinata, just be careful, please – is that blood on your skirt? What did I tell you about not practicing taijutsu?"
"Sakura-san, I need to – "
"Listen to the doctor's orders?" Sakura sighed. "Honestly, Hinata, my instructions aren't for show. You're lucky that your illness didn't act up. Well, never mind. Tsunade-sama and I have been researching various hypotheses on your flower vomit sickness this past week."
"Thank you, Sakura-san."
"And we believe that there's a cure for this illness. Maybe."
Hinata's heart beat faster and faster. Sweat coated her palms.
"See, as I told you before, your chakra underwent a transformation because of your...emotional upheaval."
Because the man she loved died right before her very eyes.
Emotional upheaval. Sakura was too kind, framing painful truths in carefully neutral language. The children at the Academy had yet to develop such tact.
"Since it took physical form and settled in your lungs, we could remove those flowers from your body." Sakura chewed her lip. "But..."
"But...?" Hinata prodded quietly.
"When his chakra combined with yours, it changed you. By removing it from your body, well, we're not certain what the side-effects would be. After all, as a doctor, my first principle is to do no harm. I cannot in good conscience give you a cure that's worse than your illness."
"Sakura-san...?"
"If we remove the essence of those flowers from your lungs, there is a chance...it's his chakra combined with yours. His connection with you may be cut in some way. We're not sure."
"Could you give me an example of what that might mean, Sakura-san?"
Sakura took a deep breath, steeling her nerves. "Don't know. It's never been done before. Maybe you'll forget the shape of his face, or the color of his eyes. Maybe his smile or his laugh. Something that tethered you to him, I suppose. Your memories of him."
"I see."
Her voice was calm and steady.
"Hinata, I completely understand that you may not want to have this kind of treatment – "
"You're right, Sakura-san," she said, smiling firmly. "I don't."
Silence moved into the corners of the room. Hinata stared at the gashes on her rough, calloused palms. Neji nii-san had insisted on rubbing some ointment on her wounds.
But some wounds would never heal, Hinata realized. Maybe they shouldn't.
Sakura swallowed.
Evidently, many people had lumps stuck in their throats.
"I wouldn't want it, either," she said in a tinny voice. "I'll keep searching for a cure, okay?"
She wrapped up Hinata in a hug that smelled like antiseptic and unpleasant body fluids. It was warm and soothing all the same.
Hinata's teardrops splashed onto the ground. Sakura held her tighter.
She usually made them at night, these sorts of visits, soon after the sun would set, and shortly before the sun would rise. It was better that way. The sunlight was much too harsh and glaring, revealing the wasting of her face and the weakness in her eyes. Sunlight was in his dazzling smiles, eyes crinkled up, all his teeth showing. That bright blue sky and that warm summer sun, it always sent spasms through her lungs, surging through her veins, flooding into her heart. It was under that sort of sun that he'd told her, many years ago, that she was a shy, dark weirdo.
That he liked people like her.
She'd stared after him, wide-eyed, awestruck. No one had told her that they liked her before. Ever. He'd been the first.
It was under that sort of sun that she'd told him, quite a few years ago, that he changed her. That his smile saved her.
It was the reason she could never bring herself to visit him whenever the sun gently beat down on her face. In the soothing darkness of the night, he would never be able to discover the shame that bore down on her like an avalanche.
Until now.
When his chakra combined with hers, it had borne none other than the flower that faced the sun. Maybe...maybe it was a sign.
Her feet took her unbidden to the familiar grave, buried under heaps of cup ramen as usual. She'd never seen his grave in the burning light of day before. The golden sunlight bounced off the white stone and stung her eyes.
She blinked back stars. Phosphene, Sakura told her. The phenomenon that made people see light through closed eyes.
"Good morning, Naruto-kun. Still as popular as always, I see." She ladled out water and began to wash his grave. "The Academy students all pipe down whenever they hear your name. You're the coolest to them. I saw them today. I was a guest lecturer. Iruka-sensei saw me sitting on that swing that you were always using, back when we were in the Academy. He thought it would be a morale booster...you know?"
She traced a damp finger over the to in his name.
"Naruto-kun? Do you remember that lesson we had with Iruka-sensei? It was fifteen or sixteen years ago, so I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. He said that we needed to be careful when we used Shadow Clone Jutsu. Because if we divided our chakra too much, we could become exhausted and die. But I guess, Naruto-kun, that you made up your own rules, your own way. That's one thing I've always loved about you."
The inside of her mouth tickled, begging for relief. She obliged, plucking a green stalk out and placing it right next to a carnation that another admirer had left on his grave.
"There are so many things I want to ask you. You always loved to talk. I always wondered how you made the simplest bowl of ramen sound so heavenly. How you failed so much and kept trying anyway."
Two, three, four, five sunflower petals cascaded from her mouth into her lap. There was no use denying it anymore. She neatly gathered them up and showered them upon his stone.
"Naruto-kun, I said this to you once before, so please forgive me for repeating myself." She lit an incense stick and clasped her hands in prayer. She found herself apologizing to him a lot lately.
"Remember how I said that I'm not afraid to die? If it means I can protect you? Protecting you means so much more than just saving your life. Iruka-sensei's students, they helped me realize that. All this time, I was despairing. I thought, since you were gone, it meant that I failed. I couldn't complete the only task that the war required of me."
Those splashes of bright, sparkling yellow. Just like that clear spring day when she jumped between him and certain death, a serene smile on her face.
"But maybe it's time to accept that just because I'm a failure...just because I'm a failure, it doesn't mean I can't protect you. I'll accept that I'm a failure, but keep trying anyway. I'll keep trying to see what you saw. The thing that no one else could see."
Fragrant smoke furled from the ashy grey tip of the incense stick. She rubbed the pad of her thumb over his whole name. She didn't know who started the rumor, but they had the right idea.
He'd always made her feel brave.
She took a deep breath, bowing deeply one more time.
"I'm still not afraid of dying, if it means I can protect your memory. Because I love you."
A/N: Took me some time to update, but this is the longest chapter to date, with lots of angsty scenes, so I hope that makes up for it! The last sentence is the core of what I wanted to write for this story, the climax, you could say. Sort of.
Tell me your thoughts! :)