Author's Note: TW for descriptions of and references to self-harm. Always remember that you are loved!
I'm back from vacation! I don't have the next chapter written yet, but here is this one! All my love!
Urgwaew: Thank you so much for your long, detailed, and OH SO KIND review! Harry makes more progress in this chapter and I am so proud of our little lion! Go, Harry! I am so glad you appreciated the motorcycle scene, too! I wanted something to get his adrenaline going and something to make him smile, but it is SO unrealistic (both as a writer and a person with depression) to have the character (or anyone with depression) do something that requires lots of energy. I was so excited when that idea came to me and the fact that you caught that is so kind! Yes, the Dursleys are THE WORST! AND yes! The flashback! I thought it was so cute! I even looked up the type of towel poncho I pictured and I'd link it here, but links don't work :(. But believe me, it is adorable. Written words do have a special effect which is why I treasure reviews so incredibly much! Your words are so, so kind and I appreciate it so much. I think I've read them every day, working hard to believe them. Thank you, dear! xo!
saterry526: You are a gem! Thank you for your comment and thank you a gazillion for making your classroom a safe space! I too want that, but it is so different for high school. Thank you so much for all you have done and continue to do. You are so appreciated!
Previous Chapter Summary: Remus, Sirius, and Harry go away for the evening and take a break. Sirius and Harry go on a motorcycle ride and Remus and Harry have a therapy session. Remus reminds Harry why not to SH. All of the boys feel better by the time they return to Hogwarts.
This Chapter Summary: Harry turns his list of people he can talk to when he is struggling to Remus. Quidditch practices resume and Harry has an Occlumency lesson.
Harry continued to work hard with Remus in therapy and at his next session, he brought the parchment Remus gave him to the session for Remus to look it over.
"This is a good list!" Remus praised, scanning it.
"Thanks," Harry blushed. He may not always believe Remus' compliments or affirmations, but he cherished them.
"Where do you think you are going to put it?" Remus asked as he pulled out his wand.
"Well, I was thinking my History textbook, cause, you know, Dadfoot. I was also, uh, wondering if you could make a copy of that? It'd be good to have one in my room at home. And maybe in my trunk."
Remus smiled proudly at Harry. "Of course. That's a really good idea."
Remus made copies and then handed them to Harry. "They're all library lists, now."
"Brilliant. Thanks, Moony Da."
"Of course. I am so proud of you."
Harry put the slips in his bag, mentally reminding himself to do it later.
Remus, however, wasn't going to let him get away that easy. "You can put the ones in your trunk and room later. Put the one in your textbook now. I can even do a sticking charm."
Harry nodded and pulled out one of the slips and his textbook. Remus applied the charm and Harry stuck it on there, right behind the front cover.
"Can you make it say something other than a library list? It's weird if it's glued in."
"Hmm," Remus thought before waving his wand. "There. Now it's just a parchment with some dates on it that you need to know in history."
"Cool. Will Dadfoot get mad?"
"Of course not! If you give me permission I can talk to Dadfoot about it. Or you can if you want."
"No, I'd like you to, if that's okay."
"Certainly," Remus reassured him.
Harry gave him a small smile and grabbed a fidget. Remus allowed the silence for a moment before smiling and saying, "So at breakfast this morning there seemed to be a lot of excitement from the Gryffindor table. Want to tell me why?"
"Moony Da, I'm sure you know," Harry replied.
"Humor me," Remus said.
Harry sighed, but smiled and said, "Angelina told us that practices start up again next week. We're really excited. We think that Gryffindor is going to win the cup this year. I mean, I know we did third year, but this is the last year that most of the original team has played, you know? It's a big deal."
Remus smiled. "It is. I'm glad you are excited. Remember to be safe and take care of yourself while you're playing, okay?"
"I will, Moony Da," Harry promised.
"And our time is up for the day. Anything else you want to talk about?" Remus asked.
Harry shook his head.
"I love you, Harry. I'll see you at dinner?"
"Okay, Moony Da. Love you, too!" Harry said as he grabbed his bag and left Remus' office.
Quidditch was a big deal and the seventh years (well, Fred and George) began a countdown to the start of Quidditch practices.
Amazingly enough, the whole team was there before they needed to be, ready on the field.
"This is a miracle," Angelina said as she saw the team gathered all together. "Who would've thought?"
"Not me!" Fred said.
"Or me!" George said.
Angelina rolled her eyes and said, "Come on, let's get up there. Let's start with some laps. Alicia, you lead, okay?"
"Yes, Captain!" Alicia mock saluted and hopped on her broom. She was quickly followed by Fred and George, then Harry, then Ron (their keeper), and Ginny (their reserve player). Angelina took up the rear.
Angelina had planned a nice practice for all of them. She had them fly a few laps before they did a scrimmage. It wasn't anything too hard, but something fun and something to get them back on their toes.
"Good practice, everyone," Angelina said when they were coming down from the sky as practice was ending. "Now it's time to hit the showers. You all know what to work on and we'll touch on that more at our next practice. It'll be Thursday evening, the same time as this one."
The team nodded and started to walk to the showers. Harry bit his lip, unsure.
"Harry, mate, are you coming?" Ron asked, quickly realizing his best friend wasn't with him.
The rest of the team stopped and turned around.
"I think I'm going to keep flying for a bit. I'll see you all at dinner, yeah?"
"Okay, Harry. Be safe," Angelina warned him.
"I will," Harry assured her with a smile as he went back up into the air.
Harry allowed himself to freely fly. He flew lazily for a few minutes, making casual laps before doing some speed lines. He then flew higher and higher up before he went back to lazily making laps.
Harry cherished how free he felt when he was flying. He also loved this silence. He'd had a lot of stimulation today and this was a way to quiet his mind. SIlence would be the worst, but sometimes it was what he needed.
Meanwhile, dinner was starting inside the castle. No one from the Gryffindor Quidditch team had come yet, so Sirius and Remus weren't worried. That changed when they saw the group of athletes come in and Harry wasn't with him.
"Moony," Sirius hissed, worried.
"He could just be taking a long shower. Give him a few more minutes," Remus whispered back, trying to calm down his husband.
Sirius took a deep breath and nodded, trying to listen to his husband. He sipped from his goblet and nodded.
However, 5 minutes passed, then 10. Just as Sirius was going to bother Remus again, Ginny came up to the head table.
"Professor?" Ginny asked, getting Sirius and Remus' attention.
"Yes, Ms. Weasley?" Remus asked kindly, giving her a smile.
"Harry was with us for practice. He said that he was going to fly a little bit more before joining us for dinner, but we haven't seen him at dinner. We were talking and are a bit worried about him since he's not here and thought that you both sould know."
Minerva had heard this from her spot and raised her eyebrows at Remus, silently showing her concern.
"Thank you, Ms. Weasley. We'll take care of it. We appreciate you letting us know," Remus said.
Ginny nodded and went back to the table where a team was not-so-obvious about showing their interest. All eyes were glued on Ginny, waiting to hear what she said.
"What did they say?" Angelina asked, worried for her Harry. He was like her little brother.
"They said they'd take care of it," Ginny replied.
All of the eyes shifted to the two professors who looked worried.
"They've taken care of Harry lots before. I know he'll be okay," Katie tried to reassure the team.
"I don't know," Alicia said, thinking out loud.
"Look, Professor Lupin is telling us it's okay," Angelina said, gesturing to the therapist who was giving them an 'okay' sign and sending a warm smile.
The kids sighed in relief and slowly went back to dinner, still talking amongst themselves. The adults, however, were a different story.
"Moony, what should we do?" Sirius asked.
"Wait until dinner is almost over. He could just be running behind. I have a feeling that he's alright either way."
Sirius had to agree with that and nodded. They both went back to their dinners, but not eating much. As dinner was wrapping up and some dessert came out, Sirius turned to Remus and hissed, "Moony!"
Remus sighed and nodded. "I know, I know. I'll go check the pitch," Remus said standing up.
"I'm going with you!" Sirius insisted, standing up as well.
"You don't have to do that."
"I want to."
Remus nodded and the two men quietly left the Great Hall, but not without a pointed look to Minerva, who also noticed that her lion was missing.
Remis and Sirius hurried to the pitch in silence, both thinking about Harry. When they got there, no one was to be found.
"Could he still be up in the air?" Remus asked Sirius.
Sirius nodded. "It's likely."
"I can go up and get him," Remus offered, but Sirius shook his head.
"No, Moony. You may be comfortable with casual flying, but Harry, if he's up there, is really high. You go back to the room and check the map. I'll grab a broom and look for him. Okay?"
Remus was torn. He wanted to chat with Harry, but he also knew that Sirius was 100% right. Sirius must've known what he was thinking because he said, "I'll bring him down and you can still talk to him, okay? You're not a bad therapist or dad."
Remus smiled gratefully at Sirius and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Thank you. I appreciate it. I'll check the map, then. Send me a Patronus if he is not in the air, okay?"
"I will. Love you," Sirius replied.
"Love you too," Remus replied as he walked away.
Sirius went to the broom shed and grabbed one before mounting off and getting into the air. It's been decades since Sirius used a school broom and he had to smile with the memory of it once he was on.
Sirius made his way up into the air. He went high enough to look over the grounds and didn't see Harry there. He then continued to gain elevation. He momentarily lauded when he reached the cloud line, but continued.
Luckily, the cloud line wasn't that thick. Sirius quickly went through it and saw Harry lazily flying.
Sirius made his way over there but didn't want to scare him so on his way over he said, "Hey, Pup."
Harry lifted his head and looked to where the noise was coming from. He relaxed seeing Sirius. "Oh, hi, Dadfoot."
Sirius came closer to Harry. "We were wondering where you were."
"Oh, sorry. Is dinner going to start?"
"Dinner is over, Love," Sirius said gently.
"Oh," Harry blushed. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."
"You're alright. We were just worried. Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine," Harry replied automatically.
Sirius flared and Harry quickly caught his error. "Oh, sorry! I guess I'm in my own head. I'm good, really. I was just thinking."
"The silence is nice up here. Are your thoughts nice, too?" Sirius questioned.
"Yes, Dadfoot," Harry answered, rolling his eyes.
"Harry James," Sirius warned lightly.
"Sorry," Harry mumbled. "But I was just thinking about nothing, really! I can come down now."
"Alright. We'll have dinner in our quarters. Moony'll want to talk to you, too."
They started to fly down and Harry groaned. "I'm okay! I'm good! I don't need to talk!"
"Let him do his thing and make sure you're okay. It'll help him feel better," Sirius told him.
Harry sighed in defeat. "Yeah, okay. I can do that."
They flew down the rest of the way. Sirius returned his broom and he and Harry quietly walked to the Marauder Quarters where Moony was trying to wait patiently.
"Harry! Are you alright?" Moony asked, walking towards them.
"I'm okay, Moony Da. I'm good. I just lost track of time," Harry reassured him.
"Truly? You're okay?" Remus asked as he checked Harry from head to toe.
"Really, Moony Da. I lost track of time and was in my thoughts. I am sorry I worried you."
Remus took a step back. Harry clearly didn't want any help right now and seemed stable.
"Alright, I understand. Let's have some supper now, yeah?"
Harry nodded and went to the kitchen where Remus was grabbing a bowl off the counter. "I thought you might be a bit chilled if you were outside so I got some chili for you."
"Thanks," Harry said. He added some hot sauce to it and began eating ravenously, which made Sirius and Remus smile.
"Good?" Sirius asked as Harry went in for his third bite.
"Delicious!" Harry replied, swallowing.
"Eat up. It's late and you have class tomorrow," Remus reminded him.
Harry nodded and took a bite of his cornbread.
"Did you finish your homework, Pup?" Sirius asked.
"Most of it. I have a little more to do," Harry admitted.
"What is it? Not a whole essay, I hope," Remus said with a raised eyebrow.
Harry shook his head. When he swallowed he said, "Nah, just some questions."
Remus nodded and checked his watch. "Okay. Get to it after supper."
Harry nodded and made a noise with his food still in his mouth.
Harry ate his supper, sharing some details about Quidditch practice.
Harry went to finish his homework and then went to bed, leaving puzzled parents behind.
"Moony, he seemed… good?" Sirius commented. "But he also spent hours in the sky?"
Remus nodded and the two men sat on the couch together. "I know. He does seem to be doing alright, and I think he is. I know there's a deeper reason for spending all that time up in the sky and I'm sure we'll eventually find it out, but right now, we can leave him be. He's okay, Pads. He's not a danger to himself."
Sirius seemed to be relieved as he heard that. "Okay, Moons. I trust you."
'Good. Come on, we have students tomorrow, too."
Sirius agreed and the two men cleaned up before going to bed.
"Besides," Remus added as they were about to shut off a light. "Harry has Occlumency this Friday. Let's take any time Harry is happy right now as a win."
Sirius nodded and rubbed his face with his hands. "Oh, Merlin. You're right. Poor kid."
"We've got him, Sirius. We're here for him."
"I hope that's enough."
"Sirius," Remus said, looking at Sirius intently. "Do you ever doubt your love for Harry?"
"Never!" Sirius protested.
"There. Then it is enough. I know your love and it can move mountains. It is enough."
"I love you, Rem," Sirius said, pulling Remus in close.
"I love you too, Pads. I love you, too."
Friday quickly came for Harry's Occlumency session. Harry was worried, but not nearly like before. He knew what to expect now (or so he thought).
Snape arrived at their quarters and Harry had already practiced breathing exercises before he got there. He was on the floor and Sirius was on the couch, rubbing his shoulders.
"Ready, Pup?" Sirius murmured as Remus answered the door.
"Mhmm," Harry replied, opening his eyes and nodding.
Sirius gave his godson's shoulders another squeeze before standing up to greet Severus.
"Hello, Severus. Thank you for coming."
"Of course," Severus drawled.
Sirius just bit back a retort and smiled, once again going behind Harry.
"Now, Mr. Potter," Severus began, looking at the boy. "I am going to once again test your walls. I will continually get stronger as we go along. I need to see how strong they are. Prepare yourself."
Harry took a deep breath and Severus was in his mind. Harry wasn't ready, but quickly pushed Severus out and held him off until he was able to get on his broom and fly. Since time is different inside ones mind, Harry wasn't sure how long he was flying. He was feeling a bit tired from the day he had as well as the strain of the lesson, but nothing too bad. Harry had felt some strong pulls on his mind, but was able to keep his cool. It calmed down and Harry was thinking that his lesson was almost over. A moment later, Harry's mind turned into a storm and Harry felt the strongest pulls yet on his mind. He held on tights and focused hard on not allowing his professor access. Harry felt the turbulence in the air and felt like someone was yanking him off. Three more yanks later, Harry was barely holding on due to the wind and pulling. Then, the strongest pull yet caused Harry to fall off his broom. As he was falling his memories started swirling and one came to the front.
Harry saw flashes of his tear-stained face. He was sitting on the bathroom floor in his dorm room. He had a potions knife in his hand and his arm was bloody and slashed up. There was blood on the floor and Harry lowered the knife to his arm.
Surprisingly, the memory faded and Harry found himself back on the floor of the Marauder Quarters. He felt a bit foggy, but the scary glare of the potion master caused Harry to panic.
"Explain," Snape said leaning in. His voice was firm and final.
"It's not that! It's not- Ugh! I can explain!" Harry stammered.
Sirius and Remus were just exchanging confused looks but at Harry's panicked pleas, Remus spoke up.
"Harry, are you alright? What's going on?"
Harry shook his head. Remus place a hand on his shoulder and Harry took deep breaths, grounding himself. He then turned to Remus and Sirius.
"Can I be alone with Professor Snape? P-please?" Harry asked shakily.
Remus and Sirius were surprised, to say the least. "Harry, are you okay?" Sirius now asked, concerned.
"I'm okay. I, uh, just want to talk to Professor Snape by myself."
Remus and Sirius looked to Severus who nodded.
"Okay. We'll be in our bedroom," Remus agreed, dragging Sirius with him.
They left and Severus put up a silencing charm. He then once again turned to Harry and growled, "Explain."
"It's not recent! I promise! It's just a memory!" Harry insisted, trying to ignore how much his arms itched.
"Roll up your sleeves," Severus ordered.
Harry hesitated, not liking anyone to see his bare arms.
"It's either your godparents or me" Severus reminded him.
Harry nodded and rolled up his sleeves. Just as Harry said, there were no new cuts. His last cuts from Sirius' office were no longer red, but pink. There weren't any bandages on them anymore, but Harry still felt his face burn as Severus' eyes roamed over his bare forearms.
"When did it occur?" Snape asked.
"Professor, I-"
"Harry, it's my job as a professor to keep you safe. I respect and understand why you don't want your godparents here. Frankly, I am surprised it took you this long. However, you have to tell me or them about what I just saw because your safety is in question."
Harry was mildly surprised at the almost kind tone that Snape had used but appreciated it.
"Okay," Harry agreed, taking a deep breath. "It was early this school year. It was maybe the second or third time I'd done it. I don't really know why it came up. It was before my dads found out. I mean, they know about it all now."
"They know about that incident?" Snape asked.
"I mean," Harry shuffled uncomfortably. "Not that one in particular. They do know where I did it, how I did it, and when I did it."
Severus seemed content with that answer. He sat back and studied Harry.
"Sir?" Harry asked after a long moment.
"How are you doing now?"
Harry swallowed, not loving this conversation. "Better. I mean, it's been worse after the whole, you know, thing."
Severus gave a sharp nod and Harry was thankful he didn't have to say it.
"And what about the most recent ones?"
Harry winced but reluctantly spoke. "Moony Da has been working hard with me and so has Dadfoot. Moony Da even saw me every other day for a while. Right now we're meeting twice a week. Hopefully, we'll go down to once a week soon."
"Alright. I believe you."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
"But you clearly still have work to do."
Well, duh.
It was quiet for a moment before Severus spoke. "Harry, are there more memories you'd like to keep private?"
Harry paused, then nodded.
"I think it might be better if we resume our private sessions in my quarters then, yes?"
Harry nodded.
"Good. Now, are you going to be alright tonight?"
Harry nodded but as Severus sharpened his gaze he shrugged. "I'll tell them something triggered me. They won't push if I ask them not to. They won't let me out of their sight."
Snape snorted and said, "I suppose you are right. Should I get them now?"
Harry nodded.
Severus waved his wand, canceling the silencing charm. He went to their bedroom door and said, "You may come out now."
Sirius and Remus quickly emerged from behind the door.
"Are you okay?" They asked Harry again.
Harry gave them a feeble smile and said, "I'm okay. Just listen to Professor Snape."
Remus' eyebrows furrowed at Harry's tone and he could smell the… nervous? energy coming off of him. He took a step closer and put a hand on Harry's shoulder, trying to comfort him.
"I had been pushing hard to get into Harry's mind, as you know," Severus began.
Sirius and Remus nodded.
"I found a memory and I pulled out. However, that prompted us to discuss future Occlumency lessons. From now on, Harry will be resuming private lessons with me in my lab."
Remus and Sirius' heads whipped to Harry. "Are you okay with that?" Remus asked, looking Harry in the eyes.
Harry nodded shyly. "Yeah. It's just, uh, sometimes I don't want to go over it all. I just want to move on."
As much as Remus knew that it was healthy to talk through a traumatic experience, he also knew that this wasn't therapy. These are Occlumency lessons. Remus could respect that.
"I understand. I do hope, however, that you feel comfortable enough to bring up any memories in therapy."
"Of course, Moony Da," Harry assured him, giving him a smile.
Sirius now turned to Harry. "Are you sure, Pup?"
"I'm sure, Dadfoot," Harry replied.
Sirius slowly nodded and backed off. "Okay, then."
Severus gave a sharp nod and said, "Good. Harry will be in my quarters next Friday. We have done enough for today."
Harry nodded in agreement and Remus walked the professor out while Sirius dazedly got a drink from the kitchen.
"Harry, what happened?" Remus asked after he had shown Severus out.
Harry sighed, expecting this, and Remus led him to the couch. "It's okay, Moony Da. There was just a memory I didn't want to delve into, that's all."
"Do you want to talk about it now?" Remus asked, his eyes worried but full of love.
Harry shook his head. "I'd rather not. I know I probably will in a session at some point, but not right now. Is that okay?"
"Of course!" Remus breathed, sitting down and holding Harry's hand. "Of course that's okay! Is there anything we can do for you right now?"
Harry paused before giving a nod. "The, uh, memory that Snape saw was, uh, kinda triggering. Would you mind staying with me?" Harry asked in a small voice.
While Remus was worried about the memory that was triggering, he was incredibly proud of Harry for asking for help.
"Of course! Of course, Cub!" Remus replied, enveloping Harry in a tight hug. "I'm always, always here for you."
Remus held tightly onto Harry and Harry relaxed in his hold. The pressure felt soothing and Harry closed his eyes, taking deep breaths.
Remus released his godson after a couple of minutes and Harry couldn't help the automatic whimper that came from his mouth. He felt safe in that hold and didn't want it to end.
Remus however, knew this. "I'm just moving, Harry. You'll be right back in it," Remus soothed.
The werewolf made his way to the floor. He moved some things around and pulled some things near him. He then gestured for Harry to come to him and Harry made his way in between Remus' legs. Remus wrapped his arms and legs around him. Sirius popped into Padfoot and made his way onto Harry's lap.
"You are safe, Harry. We've got you. You are loved," Remus murmured into Harry's ear.
They stayed there for a long time, at least an hour. Remus would whisper affirmations into Harry's ear, but also allowed silence. Remus and Padfoot could smell how much more relaxed Harry was in this hold and cherished how safe the teenager felt.
Eventually, Remus carried Harry to his bed and Padfoot curled up next to him. Remus put a weighted blanket on Harry (so he would still have some pressure on him) before he kissed Harry's head and whispered to the half-asleep boy.
"I love you, Harry. I'm here if you need anything. You are safe and loved here. Sweet dreams, Cub."
"Nigh' Moony Da. Nigh' Padfoot," Harry mumbled, his eyes closed.
Remus kissed his son on the temple before making his way out of the room. He was tired, yes, but full of pride and love for his son. Harry may be a teenager, but he was Remus and Sirius' pride and joy and no matter how big he got, he would always be their little boy.
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music