Author's Note: TW for references to, descriptions of, and urges of self-harm, panic attack, depression, and difficulty eating. Fair warning, I wrote part of this at 3 am. This wasn't going to be very long but it got away from me! Working on the next one now. I hope you like it! Please be safe, my dears. I am so glad you are on this planet. You make my life better! You are loved!
Reviews:
Uwgraew: Hi, lovely! Thanks for your amazing, amazing review! Yes! I added that after I wrote the chapter about the whole cherishing compliments but not believing them and you reflected on it so perfectly! You put how I feel into words and it's incredible! Beautifully said! I love your reflections on flying and YES! The Quidditch Team inspo DID come from WokFriedIce's story! It is SO GOOD! I wish I could just take her story and put my own elements into it. To those reading this who haven't read WokFriedIce's story, The Family That Chooses You, I highly recommend it!
Also, you're not dark at all! I (probably too much my bad) put my own thoughts in this story and project myself onto it and I see Remus always having those thoughts, but not letting them define him. I know I'll struggle with depression my whole life (like I have my Remus) and I sometimes (not always) put bits of how I hope I'll be into Remus. Several chapters back when we had Remus' flashback to his final term at Hogwarts and he felt like nothing could get better- that was alllll me. I mean yes, of course I saw Remus (canon and in here) doing that too, but I felt that and still feel that (at 23 and a recent grad). Remus in this has hope and has made a great life for himself and Hogwarts may have been good years for him, but he had amazing years outside of that, too. I want Remus to signify hope for me and other people reading this that it can get better (even if it doesn't feel like it).
Whoops, sorry for ranting!
Yes, the occlumency session was packed full! I want to keep Severus near canon in this (but, you know, not actually abusive and a bully or obsessive) and I absolutely LOVE how you picked up on everything I did with him! You're like a mind reader! So good! I want to make this Snape not despise teaching and he knew that he had to draw a line somewhere and that memory was a point where he had to stop. Yeah, it's so complicated for Remus and Harry with the boundaries! But even in therapy it can take time to bring things up and you're right, Harry has to handle things on his own.
I appreciate you and your reviews so, so, sososososososo much! You matter! You make a difference! Thank you, love!
Bal Blubb: Hi, friend! It's so cool to see a new name! Welcome and thank you for your kind comment! I appreciate you! I do struggle with mental illness and I want to give others comfort without romanticizing it or villainizing it. It's a part of everyday life for so many and I hope I can offer some comfort.
You are so perceptive, Bal Blubb! Haha, I literally laughed out loud when I read your comment and went "lol no". But seriously, I'm in therapy every week and I haven't hurt myself like I did before in a few years and I write Harry's SH as more severe than mine. I still struggle with it a lot, but I'm working on it and this is a coping mechanism for me. I really, really appreciate you asking. Thank you so much, dear heart. You are loved!
Previous chapter summary: Harry turns his list of people he can talk to when he is struggling to Remus. Quidditch practices resume and Harry has an Occlumency lesson. Harry decides that he will end up resuming private occlumency lessons with Snape.
This chapter summary: Harry is triggered in potions class. He needs help.
It was relatively calm for the next couple of weeks. Harry was in a good routine and he was back to one therapy session a week.
Harry had a draining Quidditch practice the night before and slept in his dorms. He was still rather disturbed by the fact that he was a Horcrux, but he also was working hard with Remus on his feelings. Remus had been working extensively with him on his coping mechanisms and validating his feelings, while also giving him hope. It was a lot, but somewhere deep down inside of Harry, he knew (or at least hoped) it would be worth it.
It was a Wednesday and Harry was in his dorm routine. He had a nightmare, but his silencing charm was up. He was up for an hour before falling back into an uneasy sleep. Ron was waking him up a few hours later.
"Harry! Harry! It's time to get up!" Ron said loudly, lightly shaking his friend.
Harry felt the movement and, while still half asleep, waved his wand that was stashed under his pillow to cancel the silencing charm.
"Mate, we've got potions this morning. C'mon!" Ron said.
Harry groaned, but that was all Ron needed to know that Harry was awake.
"You've got eight minutes until we go down to breakfast."
Harry groaned again and rolled over. He stayed there for a moment before sitting up and rubbing his eyes. Morning, once again, came much too early.
Harry changed and managed to splash water on his face before going with Ron to breakfast.
"Did'ya have a nightmare last night?" Ron asked lowly as he and Harry were walking to breakfast.
"Yeah," Harry admitted quietly, not wanting to say more on the subject.
"Sorry, Mate. Are you okay?"
Harry nodded and thankfully, Ron understood.
"Just let me know if you need anything."
Harry smiled at this. "Thanks, Ron."
"Course. You're my best mate," Ron replied, matter-of-factly.
Harry's smile widened and the boys walked in companionable silence until they got to the Great Hall.
"Good morning, Ron, Harry," Hermione said as they approached.
"Morning," they replied as they slid into the benches.
"Harry," Hermione sighed, "Did you have another nightmare?"
"Is it that obvious?" Harry asked, exasperated.
Hermione gave him a sympathetic look. "Only to those who know you. Speaking of which," Hermione said, gesturing towards the head table.
Harry looked over and saw Remus and Sirius both giving him a concerned look.
Harry looked back at his friends and put his head in his hands, sighing. "I wish it wasn't so bloody obvious."
"It's not to everyone Harry. We just know. Trust us," Hermione reassured him.
Harry nodded and looked back over to the head table where Sirius was now talking to Minerva and Remus was giving him a stern look. "Eat," Remus mouthed.
Harry nodded and turned back to the table where he grabbed a bowl of oatmeal and some bacon. Harry tried to eat his breakfast until it was time to go to class.
He walked to potions with Ron and Hermione but was quiet. They picked up on this, but silently supported him and kept the conversation light. They knew Harry had challenging days and wanted to help him the best they could.
Harry took a potions spot in the back. Draco had come in behind him and wordlessly sat next to him. He, too, could tell that Harry was having an off morning.
Unfortunately, it was going to get worse.
Snape came in and with a wave of his wand, shut the door and lit the candles on his desk. "We are taking notes today on the blood-thickening potion. Take out your parchment and quills."
A few let out a quiet groan, but a stern stare from Snape had them silent in no time.
"Now that you're all quiet, let's begin. The ingredients you will need-" Snape began.
Harry had pulled out his parchment and quill but didn't do much else. He started to write some but became distracted as Snape lectured about the ingredients and why they were important. His arms were beginning to itch again and he didn't like it.
Draco knew this would probably trigger Harry. He gently took his quill away and patted his hand reassuringly. He didn't want Harry to purposefully or accidentally use the quill to hurt himself.
Harry gave Draco a weak smile and pulled out a fidget from his bag to use as he tried to listen to Snape.
As the minutes ticked by, Harry's movements became more erratic with the fidget. He became tenser and Draco couldn't take it anymore. He pulled his wand out of his pocket and waved his wand underneath the table, effectively putting up a silencing charm.
"Harry," Draco said softly, "I put a silencing charm up, which is why I'm talking, but keep looking forward, okay?"
Harry made a quiet noise in agreement.
"I can see you are struggling. Why don't you leave?"
"I can't! I should be able to sit through this!" Harry protested.
Draco rolled his eyes and sighed. "Harry, please ask for help if you need it, okay?"
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Draco discreetly waved his wand and canceled the charm before going back to his notes, but not without watching Harry out of the corner of his eye.
Draco was not the only one to see Harry struggling, either. Snape also saw Harry and could tell that he was triggered. He had a feeling this might trigger him, but didn't realize it was the lesson today until this morning when it was too late to warn Harry, Black, or Lupin.
Snape kept an eye on Harry, as well as some Slytherins who looked a bit peaky at the subject matter. Not that Snape would ever admit it, but he wished some of his snakes had a bit more bravery when it came to things.
Snape and Draco saw Harry become more rigid and his eyes gloss over. Snape saw some fingers twitch and Harry's jaw set, trying to fight the urge. That is when Snape decided to sweep in.
"Mister Potter," Snape drawled, glaring at him from the front of the classroom.
Harry was quiet and Draco gave him a small nudge. Harry's eyes cleared and he looked up at his professor. "Yes, Sir?"
"Why is it that you were taking no notes?" Snape asked sharply, summoning the parchment in front of Harry.
Now, both Harry and Snape knew exactly why, but Snape still had a role to play.
"I, uh," Harry looked around, "forgot a quill."
Snape sneered. "You mean to tell me that after 5 years at a magic school you forgot a quill?"
"Yes, Sir," Harry replied, timidly.
"OUT! You will make this up in detention with me on Friday night. 15 points from Gryffindor!" Snape bellowed, pointing towards the door.
Harry's cheeks were burning. If he had any fight left in him he would've tried to argue back, but all of his energy and fire were used already. Harry had none left. He meekly grabbed his things and ignored the snide comments Snape and the other Slytherins said as he was leaving. He ignored the concerned looks of his friends and kept his head down.
Once he left the dungeons, he hurried to an empty alcove where he allowed himself to fall against a wall. A few angry tears leaked out and Harry swiped them away.
Merlin, he knew it was an act but Harry was so tired. He was triggered and then being publicly humiliated made it even worse. The urge to scratch his arm was even stronger now.
Harry felt his magic and emotions well up inside of him. The picture frame started to rattle and Harry knew that if he was going to calm down, this would be the last possible moment.
Harry curled his fingers into fists and squeezed his eyes shut. He forced himself to take deep breaths until he was stable enough to open his eyes.
"I-I see a picture. I see a wall. I see a chair. I see curtains. I see the floor." Harry said out loud, rather shakily.
He took another deep breath before continuing. "I can feel the floor. I feel the wall behind me. I can feel my fingernails. I can feel my robes."
Harry felt his magic and emotions beginning to settle. "I can hear the wind outside. I can hear some portraits talking far away. I can hear footsteps."
Harry took another breath. "I can smell parchment. I can smell the detergent on my robes."
Harry smiled, thinking of the care Dobby uses with his clothes. "I can taste the bacon I ate for breakfast."
Harry took a few more deep breaths before getting up. While he was proud that he was able to ground himself, it didn't take away the urge of hurting himself. It stopped him from having a meltdown, but nothing else.
Harry stood still momentarily as his thoughts raced about how to take care of the ever-present itch on his forearm.
He felt the need grow stronger and stronger and Harry knew where he had to go. He had to have trust.
Harry haphazardly made his way through the halls and avoided eye contact with anyone who was in the hallways.
Harry finally got himself to his destination and both relief and nervousness bubbled up in his stomach.
"C'mon, Harry. You can do this. You stabbed a basilisk and you can do this," Harry quietly whispered to himself.
He took a deep breath and walked into the waiting room for Hogwart's therapist.
The door was closed, which was Harry's biggest concern. He really didn't want to disturb Remus, but he also knew he needed help.
Harry took yet another deep breath before going to Remus' door and knocking on it- hard.
Remus, who was in a session with a student, heard that knocking. Even without opening the door, he could smell the nervous energy coming from the other side of it.
"Excuse me," Remus said with an apologetic smile to the student. He waved his wand for a silencing charm and opened the door, seeing an overwhelmed Harry Potter.
Remus quickly opened and shut the door (almost all the way). He waved his wand to shut the door of the waiting room and put his hands on his godson.
"Harry, are you okay? What's going on?" Remus asked.
"I-I'm not okay. I need some help right now," Harry admitted tearfully. He had practiced what to say in his head, but at that moment that's all he could say. His stomach was in knots and his heart felt all twisted with fear and despair.
"Okay, okay," Remus murmured. He had a foot in the door, but he pulled Harry into a hug. He kissed his mop of black hair and said, "I've got you. You are safe now. I've got you, Cub."
Harry felt the pressure from the hug and felt his body relax with the reassurances. Remus held onto Harry for about 30 seconds before releasing him.
"I'm going to excuse my student and then you can come in, alright?"
Harry gave his dad a shaky nod and sat down on one of the chairs, gripping his bag tightly to his chest as he waited to be called back.
Remus took a deep breath for himself before closing the door and canceling the silencing charm he had.
He was about halfway through the session. He hated to cancel it, but it was an emergency, and not only that, it was his son.
"I'm sorry, Elsie. I hate to cut this short, but there's an emergency I have to tend to. I do truly care about what you are saying. When are you available tomorrow? Don't worry about my hours, I want to make sure I have time for you."
"It's no problem, Professor, really! I get it. I mean, you've been there for me so I understand." The Hufflepuff blushed and quickly looked away before saying, "I, uh, have a break at 10 tomorrow morning. I am free until 1 and then I have classes until 4:30."
Remus flipped through his appointment book before saying, "Alright. I can meet with you from 11:30 to 12:30 and you can have lunch here or we can meet at 4:30 or after dinner. It's up to you," Remus offered her.
"12:30 sounds lovely, thank you," Elise replied, smiling.
"Splendid. Thank you so much for understanding," Remus said, standing up and smiling at her.
"Of course! How do you want me to leave?" Elise asked.
Remus smiled at her question. "Thank you for asking. If you go through this door it'll take you to an empty classroom and you can leave through there, alright?"
Elise nodded. She grabbed her things and thanked Remus again before heading out the door.
Remus felt his smile fade as he thought of his son sitting out in the waiting room. He hurried back out there and saw Harry rocking back and forth on the chair.
Remus waved his wand to lock everything up since he was in an emergency session.
"Harry?" Remus asked gently as he put his hand on Harry's shoulders.
Harry flinched but turned towards Remus. "Hi," he whispered.
"Hi, Love. Come with me," Remus said warmly.
Harry nodded and allowed Remus to usher him into his office. Remus shut the door behind them. He gently took Harry's bag from him and set it down. He led Harry to the couch and sat down next to him.
"What's going on, Cub?" Remus asked gently, giving Harry a Love Touch.
Harry opened his mouth to reply, but he didn't know where to start. He tried again, but nothing came out. He clenched his fists again and Remus immediately noticed.
"You're safe, Cub. Here, use these," Remus said, summoning a few fidgets to Harry.
Harry chose a soft stress ball and held it, and slipped his hand into Remus' other one.
"Alright, Love. Tell me what you're feeling. What feeling or feelings caused you to come here? I'm glad you're here and I am proud of you for being here. I am merely asking you what feeling prompted it." Remus said, knowing that Harry would twist his words if he didn't clarify them.
That was an easier question to answer, but still not one he particularly loved answering. Still, Harry opened his mouth and quietly said, "I really wanted to hurt myself."
Remus nodded. "I am so glad that you came to me. That was the right thing to do. I am so proud of you." Remus knew that Harry needed to hear these affirmations over and over again. "Did something trigger you or was it your brain?"
"Trigger."
Remus nodded. "Those aren't easy at all. You were in potions today, yes?"
Harry nodded. It was much easier with Remus breaking up the questions this way.
"Did something happen in potions that triggered you?"
Harry nodded again.
"Alright, I understand. Was it a classmate? Professor Snape? A potion?"
"Professor Snape was lecturing on a blood-thickening potion today."
"Ah, I see," Remus replied, squeezing Harry's hand reassuringly.
"Class started about 45 minutes ago. Were you in there the whole time?"
"Sorta. I was there for a while. Draco knew I was having a hard time. He took my quill away. I don't really know what happened later. Snape showed the whole class that I hadn't taken any notes. He then sent me out and took points from Gryffindor. I was so overwhelmed. I went to an alcove and I calmed down and then I came here."
There were several things in what Harry said that Remus wanted to touch on, but there were more pressing matters first.
"I am so proud of you for calming down and coming here. You are doing such a good job. Do you still want to hurt yourself?"
Harry nodded.
"That's okay. I expected that. I just had to clarify. On a scale of one to ten, where do you think you'd fall?"
Remus had asked Harry this a number of times before so Harry was used to this question.
"Like an eight. Moony Da, I really need help," Harry admitted.
"Oh, Cub. I've got you. I've got you," Remus assured him. Remus once again held Harry close to him and whispered in his ear. After several minutes, Remus spoke again and said, "Love, I'm going to move to a more comfortable position, alright? I've got you."
Harry hummed in acknowledgment. He felt Remus slowly and carefully release the hold on Harry. Once disconnected, Remus waved his wand and a spot was set up on the floor near the fireplace. He then walked back over to Harry and carried him to the spot. Harry was reclined and leaning on Remus who had wrapped his arms around him.
"I've got you, Harry. You are safe. I promise you, I've got you," Remus reminded the teenager.
Harry, while still fighting the urge, felt so much better in these restraints right now. He didn't want to hurt himself but felt the need to. He wanted to and didn't want to all at the same time. The hold helped Harry calm down because no matter how much Harry wanted to physically do something, he couldn't.
"Now," Remus began after several minutes of comfortable silence with some reassurances peppered in, "We're going to do something together, alright?"
"Okay," Harry agreed. "D-do we have to move?"
"No. We're staying right here," Remus reassured warmly, giving Harry a bit tighter of a squeeze.
"Good. What is it?" Harry asked. He sounded stronger but his voice was still a bit shaky.
"We are going to count backward by seven from 350. We each take a turn. Okay?"
Harry had absolutely zero ideas why he was going to do this, but he had trust in Remus. "Okay."
"Good. I'll start. 350."
"343."
"336."
"329."
"322."
Harry thought for a moment, counting, before responding. "315."
"308."
"301."
"294."
"287."
"280."
"273."
"266," Remus said immediately. Merlin, it sure sounded like he's done this handful of times.
They continued counting backward. Harry made a couple of mistakes, but quickly fixed them.
Despite any protests from Harry, Remus indeed had them continue until they were at zero.
"How're you feeling, Harry?" Remus asked.
"Better. But I still feel like I need to," Harry admitted.
"I understand. I'm going to turn a sound machine on and we're going to stay right here, okay?" Remus asked.
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Remus wandlessly and wordlessly turned on a sound machine to the sound of waves. Remus held Harry tight and gently rocked him back and forth with the sound of the waves.
Harry was already relaxed in Remus' arms and this helped even more. The sound machine was loud enough to drown out some of the noise in his head. It was still early morning and Harry hadn't slept well so he was rather tired. He felt his eyes droop and he fell into a mostly unconscious world.
Remus could tell when Harry was mostly asleep. He hummed to him and relaxed, taking time to take deep breaths and summon his glass of water to him.
Harry was asleep for about twenty minutes before he started to whimper and then scream.
"Harry, you're at Hogwarts. You are safe," Remus said loudly, but gently. He regained the tight hold he had on Harry.
"Moony Da is here, Harry. I've got you. You are safe."
Harry was able to start hearing Remus and his nightmare started to fade.
However, as he was back to reality his thoughts increased tenfold.
"Harry, you are safe," Remus reminded him softly.
"Moony Da the thoughts are still here and they're real strong," Harry whimpered, fighting slightly against the restraints.
"I've got you. I've got you," Remus reassured him, holding on tight.
Harry tried to relax in the hold like before, but it wasn't having the same effect.
"Moony Da! It's not working!" Harry whined.
"Okay. I'm going to let you go and we're going to use another strategy, alright?"
Harry made a pained noise in agreement
Remus slowly released Harry and moved his body to look at him.
Harry had his fists clenched and his face was darkened over. It was obvious he was trying to fight his thoughts.
"Harry, what do you think would help right now?" Remus asked softly. He was trying to give Harry some of the control he was craving.
"I don't know! I don't know!" Harry cried. His fingers went to his arms to scratch them up.
Luckily, Harry had the charm reapplied last time he was in the hospital so nothing happened. Remus knew the charm was on but he didn't want Harry to break the spell with his emotions.
"Ah, you're alright, Harry. I've got you," Remus reassured him, gently grabbing his arms.
Harry panted and groaned, hating this feeling.
Remus thought for a minute before saying, "You are going to come with me. I'm going to stand up and then help you up," Remus instructed softly.
Harry nodded. Remus released Harry and the teenager made fists to stop himself from doing anything.
Remus stood up and then gently grabbed Harry's right hand so he wouldn't do anything.
Remus then grabbed the floo powder and threw it in the fireplace and shouted, "Marauder Quarters!" Before side flooing away with Harry.
Remus brushed any of the residue off of Harry and brought him to the kitchen.
Remus opened their magical fridge/ freezer and pulled out some ice cubes.
"What are those for?" Harry asked.
Remus led Harry to the sink and put the ice cubes in his hands. "Hold these."
Harry slowly reached out and held the ice cubes in his hands. "They're cold," Harry commented.
"Mmhmm. Keep holding them," Remus said, watching Harry closely.
Harry kept holding onto the ice cubes and eventually he felt his hands burn a bit from the cold.
"It's-it's almost burning?" Harry voiced, holding on tightly.
"And how are you feeling?" Remus asked.
Harry thought for a moment and then leaned into the sensation of the ice cubes. He released a breath and actually gave a small smile. "Better. I can breathe a bit."
"Good," Remus smiled. "Keep holding on."
Harry held the ice cubes over the sink until they were basically liquid and then he let go. He dried his red hands on a towel and looked at Remus. "That helped a lot. Merlin."
Remus gave him another smile. "I'm glad. Do you want to sit down?"
Harry nodded and went over to his usual spot on the couch. Remus sat next to him on the couch so he could be right next to him in case Harry needed him.
"Do you think you can talk a bit more now?" Remus asked his son.
Harry nodded.
"Lovely. I am so proud of you for everything you've done so far today. I want you to know that."
Harry nodded again.
"Alright, I just wanted to make sure I have the events from earlier today in order. Is it okay if I ask about that?"
A third nod came from Harry.
"Wonderful. Please stop me if it's too much, okay?"
"Okay, Moony Da," Harry agreed quietly.
"So before you were in potions, did anything happen? I noticed you didn't eat much at breakfast."
"Nightmare," Harry mumbled.
"I see. That wasn't an easy way to start off the day. Did you get much sleep?"
Harry shook his head.
"Triggers are hard enough to deal with on their own, not to mention not sleeping well," Remus commented.
"Yeah. Ron and Hermione and Draco were nice about it all."
"That's awesome. I'm glad Draco took your quill away since it could've been used to hurt yourself."
"Yeah," Harry agreed.
"When Snape called you out, how did you feel about it?" Remus asked.
"I was angry. Humiliated. Frustrated. Tired."
Remus nodded. "Those are all understandable. Can you tell me more about how you felt tired?"
"Yeah. I was angry and humiliated and stuff but I was so tired. I didn't have any energy left to fight him, y'know?"
"I completely understand. It's difficult to feel that way." Remus paused and studied Harry. The boy still wasn't doing well but seemed to be doing much better than before. "And what about Professor Snape? How do you feel about his actions?"
Harry sighed. "I didn't like them, but I also know he was playing a part. I just don't know why he did it!"
Remus nodded and thought for a moment before responding. "I have an idea, but I'm not sure. Would you like me to share it with you?"
Harry nodded.
"Professor Snape has helped you with your habits before and he is aware of your mental health and triggers."
Harry nodded. He was following along so far.
"I think that he noticed that you were becoming triggered and sent you out. He couldn't have just sent you out because you needed air. He needed to find a reason to send you out."
Harry's mouth formed a large O. "Ohhh. That makes a ton of sense. I mean, Snape can be a prat, but he's not usually that big of one unless he's acting. D'ya really think he did it for that reason?"
Remus gave Harry a supportive smile. "I think so. I'm sure we'll find out. This is too big a deal to not have it addressed."
"Moony Da!" Harry moaned, blushing and holding a pillow to his chest.
"It is a big deal, Harry. And no, I won't say anything to Professor Snape. I'm just expecting him to talk to us."
Harry felt better after hearing that. "Oh. Okay." Harry shrugged.
"Going back to what happened, how did you calm down? What strategy did you use?"
"I did the five things you can see thing. You know, the five, four, three, two, one, thing."
Remus smiled and gave Harry's hand a proud squeeze. "That's wonderful, Harry! I am so proud of you!"
Harry felt a blush rise on his cheeks and he dipped his head down until Remus started to talk again.
"What can I do for you right now?"
Harry looked up and shrugged before averting his gaze again. "I dunno."
"Hmm," Remus said, thinking. "Would you like to go for a walk, play a game, or listen to music?"
"A game, please," Harry said.
"Wonderful. Do you have any particular requests?"
Harry shook his head.
Remus pulled out a deck of cards and they decided to play Rummy together.
Remus and Harry were on their third game when a knock on the door interrupted them.
"I'll get it. Just stay here," Remus told Harry. He waited for the teenager to nod back before he got up and went to the door.
Remus opened the door and saw Severus Snape standing there. "Hello, Remus. I went by your office but it was closed for emergencies. I thought I would check and see if you were here."
"I am. What is this about?"
Severus raised an eyebrow. "I assume you have Harry with you?"
Remus looked back and saw Harry looking at his cards. "I do. He's safe."
Severus let out a sigh of relief, thankful that he was okay. "Is there any way I could come in and talk?"
"Let me check with Harry first," Remus said.
Snape gave a nod. He didn't like waiting in the hallway, but he understood and didn't want to trigger the teenager any more than he already was.
Remus gently walked over to Harry. "Harry, Love?"
Harry looked up, his green eyes wide. "Yes, Moony Da?"
"Professor Snape is at the door. He wants to make sure you are alright. Is that okay?"
Harry paused but nodded. He'd rather do it now than later.
"Okay. I'll let him in. You let me know if you need anything at all, okay?"
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Remus went back over to the door and let his colleague inside.
Snape took a seat in the armchair and Remus helped Harry to the couch where he sat next to him.
"Harry," Snape began, "I want to apologize for this morning. I didn't even think about this morning's lesson until it started and how it could trigger you. I was able to stop my Slytherins who would be triggered from attending as I see them more frequently in the morning. I wanted to make sure you were alright."
"B-but you threw me out?" Harry pointed out in a small voice.
Snape winced. He didn't want to be the cause of any more agony for this child. "I could see that you were triggered. I wanted you to get out of the classroom but I could not make that obvious."
"Oh," Harry said before turning to Remus and whispering, "You were right."
Remus and Snape smiled and Harry stared in his lap.
"Besides, if I allowed you to stay any longer I daresay Mr. Malfoy would have exploded."
Harry chuckled and blushed saying, "He was a bit worried."
"He demanded to speak with me after class. I got quite the earful."
Harry smiled and asked, "I, uh, am not really ready to see a lot of people right now. Could you tell him that I'm safe with my dad and that you saw me? I know it'll make him feel better."
"Certainly. Would you mind if I talked to your uncle for a moment?"
"Go ahead," Harry agreed.
Remus looked at Harry to make sure he was doing alright before kissing him on the head and walking over to Severus and talking to him in the corner of the room.
Harry once again looked at his cards. A silencing charm was up, but it didn't stop Harry from looking up at them.
At one point, Harry looked up and saw Snape hand Remus a piece of parchment. The same parchment that Harry had tried to write on earlier this morning.
If Harry was more stable that would not have triggered him. However, Harry was not stable yet. He was still trying to get into a better place in his mind. The piece of parchment threw him back into the lesson. He remembered bits and pieces of Snape talking about the ingredients and the desired effects of the potion.
He felt his hearing and vision become fuzzy and he began to disassociate from reality.
Instinctively, his right hand went to his left arm and tried to scratch.
Luckily, Remus, when handed the parchment and hearing what it was, looked over at Harry and saw him struggling. He quickly hurried over to Harry and wrapped his arms around him and restrained him. "I've got you, Harry. You are safe. Moony Da is here. You are in our quarters at Hogwarts. You are safe."
Harry came out of his disassociation and was thankful that Remus had seen that he needed help.
"Moony Da," Harry croaked out, resting his head on Remus' arm.
"I'm here, Cub. I've got you," Remus reassured him, his voice calm and warm.
Harry hummed, showing his understanding.
"Let's take some deep breaths together, yeah?"
Harry nodded.
Remus led Harry through some breathing exercises until he felt that Harry was back to baseline.
"How're you feeling, Love?" Remus asked tenderly.
"Better. I-I'm good now, Moony Da," Harry said.
Remus knew that Harry was, very clearly, not 'good', but he could tell that he wasn't in danger of hurting himself anymore.
Remus slowly started to untangle himself from Harry and Harry blushed as he looked at Professor Snape. "Sorry, Professor. I-I didn't mean to do that."
Snape gave an exasperated sigh and said, "Of course, you didn't, Mr. Potter. I am not in need of an apology. I just want to make sure you are alright. I am deeply sorry for triggering you further."
"You didn't, Sir! I-it's fine. I am, uh, just struggling right now." Harry looked down because he didn't think he could make eye contact with the potions professor without melting into a puddle of embarrassment.
Remus, although not wrapped around Harry, rubbed a reassuring hand on Harry's arm.
"And that is alright. I'm glad you have help. Lupin, I will go now, but I will contact you later?"
"That sounds good, Severus. Thank you," Remus replied.
With a slight nod, Snape left the room.
Remus repositioned Harry and himself so they were facing each other.
"What happened, Cub?" Remus asked gently.
"I saw the parchment and all I could think about was the lesson," Harry admitted quietly.
"Ah, I understand. The parchment is gone, now. I banished it. You don't have to worry about seeing it."
Harry felt better knowing this. He didn't like when a trigger could just pop up unexpectedly.
"How are you feeling?" Remus asked kindly.
"Better than before, but-" Harry trailed off.
"But what, Love?" Remus asked, catching Harry's eye.
"My arms itch, Moony Da," Harry said, finally looking at him with a pleading look in his eyes.
Remus just wanted to scoop Harry up in a hug and wrap him in bubble wrap and move to the North Pole with him and Sirius, but alas, that wasn't an option.
"Okay, thanks for telling me. We're going to try the ice cubes again, but a bit differently."
Harry nodded.
"Stay right there."
Remus came back with a tray of ice cubes and a thick towel. He put the towel on Harry's lap and helped him roll up his sleeves.
"This time, I want you to take the ice cube and hold it where you want to hurt yourself."
Harry nodded and grabbed an ice cube and held it to his forearm. He eventually let out a small hiss and then a sigh of relief.
He used it until it was melted and then he grabbed another one and held it there. He debated trying a third one but looked at Remus instead.
"How're you doing?" Remus asked softly.
"Better. I kinda want another one but I'll talk first."
"That's good!" Remus praised. "They're a good coping mechanism but not a cure-all."
Harry snorted. "Clearly."
"Cheeky," Remus teased.
Harry smiled weakly and then turned around to lean on Remus.
Remus gently ran his hands up and down Harry's arms. He wasn't putting him in a hold, but was reassuring him that he was there. Harry appreciated this and was always amazed that Remus knew exactly what he needed.
"One time in my second year, I woke up from a nightmare. The marauders were already aware of what was going on. I woke up James and Sirius. Peter wouldn't wake up. Sirius helped keep me calm and somewhat restrained when James led me to the kitchens. His mom was a healer and James had, with my permission, asked about some things that would help. In the kitchens, they sat me down. Sirius sat on one side of me and James on the other. James handed me the ice cubes and told me to hold them. I think we went through the whole tray.
We stayed there for quite a while and the house elves fed us, too. S'mores, if I remember correctly," Remus said, smiling. "We accidentally fell asleep there. Minerva found us in the morning."
"Were you in trouble?" Harry asked.
"Ah, Harry, we had her wrapped around our fingers even then. She was so proud of me and your other dads. She gave Gryffindor 15 house points and allowed us to skip our morning sessions and she checked in with me later that day."
"Grandma Min is a bada- er- uh, I mean the bestest. Yup, that's it. She's the best."
Remus laughed and grinned. "Yes, Harry. That's exactly it. She is certainly, uh, the best."
Harry blushed but chuckled.
It was quiet for a moment before Harry spoke again.
"Moony Da? Did you tell Dadfoot anything?"
"Of course not. You came to tell the therapist something. I mean it when I say that it's confidential. Would you like me to talk to Dadfoot about this?"
Harry nodded. "I know he cares. I think he'll be proud of me, right?"
"Oh, Cub," Remus breathed, squeezing Harry a bit tighter. "He will be so, so proud of you. Goodness, he's proud of you every day. He'll probably wear his 'proud dad' shirt or something."
"Oh, Merlin! No!" Harry groaned.
Remus just chuckled and so did Harry, which showed that both were joking.
"I was going to contact Dadfoot during lunch. Is that alright?" Remus asked.
"I think he has a break coming up," Harry shyly pointed out.
"He does. Would you like me to contact him now?"
"I would sort of like Padfoot. He really helps."
"Harry, of course! If either of us can ever do anything to help you, just let us know! We are always here for you, I'll contact him right now!"
Harry opened his mouth to protest and insist that they both had jobs. However, he was really working on this and trusting them. He knew that Remus wouldn't contact Sirius if he would mind and Sirius wouldn't answer if he was busy. He had to trust his parents. Harry gave a small nod and Remus grinned.
Remus sent a Patronus to Sirius and let him know that everyone was safe, he had Harry, and to come to the Marauder Quarters when he could.
"How long do ya think it'll take him?" Harry wondered out loud.
"I give him five minutes tops. Probably more like three."
"No way," Harry argued.
"Not even Professor Dumbledore himself could keep Dadfoot away from you."
"Moony Da," Harry said, rolling his eyes.
"It's true! We'd both do anything for you. Also, remember how magically powerful Dadfoot is. He might not show it as the History Professor, but he's got large magical reserves. His magic is intense."
Remus was right. Harry had forgotten that Dadfoot is extremely powerful. He's sort of forgotten that for many wizards, save Minerva, Albus, and Tom.
"Oh, yeah. I sometimes forget. You're both just my dads," Harry shrugged.
Remus ruffled Harry's hair. "That's how it should be. Our magic is used to protect you and show our love."
Harry smiled and continued to lean contently on Remus' chest. However, about a minute later, Sirius came bursting through the door.
"Dadfoot?" Harry asked, sitting up. He was surprised to see Sirius here so quickly.
"Two minutes," Remus pointed out.
Harry just rolled his eyes at him and Sirius came toward the two boys. "Are you okay? What's going on? I would've been here sooner but there were students."
"Sirius this is a school," Remus reminded him.
Sirius waved away Remus' comment and studied Harry.
"Pup, are you okay?"
"I was triggered, but I got Moony Da."
"Oh, Love!" Sirius breathed, wrapping his arms around Harry. "I am so proud of you! Oh, Merlin! You are fantastic!"
"Dadfoot," Harry whined, embarrassed.
"Harry James, I am so proud of you. Let it happen," Sirius said, glee and pride in his voice.
Harry sighed but a smile made its way across his face.
"How can I help?" Sirius asked. He knew that Harry didn't share a ton, but he shared what he wanted to and that was all Sirius needed.
"I am so glad to see you, but I was hoping you could be Padfoot so I could pet you?" Harry asked quietly.
"Course!" Sirius managed to exclaim before popping into the dog and making his way onto Harry's lap.
Harry felt himself relax at the weight in his lap and raked his hands through the dog's fur.
"What can I do for you, Love?" Remus asked.
Harry thought through the strategies. "What about some music? Can you put some on? I don't have enough energy to do a lot of other things right now."
"Of course. Anyone in particular?"
Harry shook his head.
Remus got up and put on Simon and Garfunkel and grabbed his bag and brought it back to the couch.
"I'm going to work on some papers, but I'm right here for you," Remus reminded him. He knew that having someone's full attention on you can be draining and he wanted to give Harry some space, even if it meant just not looking at him constantly.
"Sounds good, Moony Da," Harry replied, making himself comfortable with Padfoot.
Remus smiled at the sight before pulling out some notes for a patient.
They stayed there for quite a while. It wasn't until Remus packed up his papers and stood up that Harry looked up.
"Harry, it's lunchtime," Remus announced gently.
Padfoot lifted his head from Harry's lap and smiled, which caused Remus to smile as well.
"I'm not very hungry," Harry said, looking down.
Padfoot bounded down from Harry's lap and popped into Sirius. "Pup," Sirius said gently as he sat down next to his godson, "you've got to eat something."
Harry shifted uncomfortably and began to play with the fringe on a blanket.
Sirius looked up at Remus whose thoughts raced until it clicked a few seconds later.
Remus knelt in front of Harry and guided the teenager's eyes to meet his own. "Harry, Love. I know things feel out of control right now. That's difficult, isn't it?"
Harry nodded, biting his lip.
"If you're not hungry, that's okay. I know you want control and we can do that, alright?"
Harry nodded again.
"Now, if you could eat anything in the world right now, what would it be?"
Harry thought for a minute before a small smile appeared on his face. "Treacle Tart."
Remus clapped his hands together and stood up. "Perfect! Treacle Tart coming up!"
"But Moony Da," Harry protested, "I really am not very hungry. I don't think I can eat it all."
"That's okay, Harry. Even if all you take is a bite, that's okay. Just try to eat something. It's okay if you can't."
Harry nodded. He felt better with Remus' words.
His godparents led him to the table. Remus ordered from the House Elves while Sirius talked to Harry about how his classes went this morning. Harry appreciated the light and mindless conversation.
Remus sat back down and listened to Sirius speak and it wasn't long before a few House Elves popped into the quarters and served lunch.
Harry blushed, but no one said anything.
"Tuck in!" Remus said when everything was served.
Sirius dove into his food like he hadn't eaten in 12 years. Remus carefully started eating but was watching Harry out of the corner of his eye.
Harry eyed the treacle tart. He put one of the precut slices on a plate and started to eat it. He had most of the slice before he stopped.
"I-I'm full now," Harry announced quietly.
"That's okay! You did so well!" Remus praised, giving him a proud smile. "Would you like me to leave it there or take it away?"
"Take it away, please," Harry requested.
"Not a problem," Remus replied, whisking it away. Remus also went to their medicine/ potion cupboard in the other room before returning with a potion.
Harry knew that potion. A Nutrition Potion.
"You don't have to have it if you don't want to. It's just there in case you are wanting to. It won't make you more full, it'll just give your body the nutrients it needs. It's up to you and we won't push you either way," Remus said.
Harry nodded and eyed the potion as his parents finished eating. He remembered a time when he was younger and sick and Remus gave him the same choice. Harry never did take the potion, but it was a huge learning experience and helped him trust his parents more.
This time, however, Harry eyed the potion for about 10 minutes before downing it.
"Splendid. Nice job, Cup," Remus praised as he took the vial away from Harry.
Harry shrugged and looked out the window.
"What would you like to do after lunch?" Remus asked a few minutes later as he and Sirius cleared the table.
"I dunno," Harry shrugged.
Sirius sent Remus a worried look and Remus held up a hand, assuring Sirius he'd take care of it.
Remus, after setting the dishes down, went back over to Harry.
"Cub?" He said gently. He knelt down in front of Harry and tried to catch his eye. Harry met it and Remus gave Harry a soft smile and gave him a love touch. "Love, don't get all in your head. Stay here with me," Remus said softly.
Harry gave Remus a small smile. "I'll try. But it's hard. The big wave has passed but I feel the darkness seeping into me. I just want to crawl into bed and never leave."
"Oh, Love," Remus breathed. He gave Harry a long hug before withdrawing and leading Harry to the couch. "I know that it's hard. Waves of depression are difficult to work through. It's also probably the adrenaline of the whole situation falling."
Harry nodded. It felt more like that than a typical depression wave, but he knew if he didn't do something it could easily turn into one.
"How about this? We will let our food settle and play another round or two of Rummy and then we'll take a walk, yeah?"
"That sounds nice but could we, I don't know, try to walk where people don't really see us? I don't feel like talking right now."
Remus understood that. "Of course. I've got you, Love."
Harry nodded and Remus gave him another squeeze before picking up the cards and setting up another round.
"Can I play?" Sirius asked, hopping into the room.
Harry rolled his eyes at Sirius' antics but he appreciated how he could make him laugh even now.
"One game. Then you have classes," Remus reminded him.
"But I'm here for Harry!" Sirius cried out, pulling out his puppy dog face.
Harry chuckled and said, "Dadfoot, I'll be okay! Moony Da and I are going to go on a walk later. If I'm still struggling after that I'll get you, okay? I promise I'll ask for help if I need it."
Sirius blew out air and rested his chin in his hand. "Well, I can't argue with that! Moony! Why'd you teach him logic and reason? It's so much easier that way!" Sirius pouted.
"Dadfoooot!" Harry moaned, smiling as he fell into his lap.
"I love you, Pup. And don't you forget it," Sirius said.
"You were really serious about that," Harry teased, giving him a smirk.
"Well, I am Sirius for a reason," Sirius teased back only to be hit with a pillow.
"Hey!" Sirius cried.
Remus just rolled his eyes at the man-child he married and said, "Come on, let's play."
Harry got off of Sirius but the game didn't start without another hug and a whisper in Harry's ear. Harry gave Sirius a fierce hug and then they started the game.
They played a game before they had to shoo Sirius out the door with several reassurances and promises of updates.
Remus and Harry played a few more games before they went for their walk.
Remus and Harry talked for a while as they walked the perimeter of the grounds and stayed by the lake for a while. They stopped by the bridge and Remus told Harry a quick story.
"If you stand right here on the bridge, the water rushing through the rocks is just loud enough to drown out some of the other noises. It's not quite like the waterfall, but it'll do in a pinch."
"Really?" Harry asked, taking a step forward.
"Really. We found out about it because one time I was standing on the bridge and James came up to me and I didn't hear him. We decided to prank Sirius and Peter with it, too."
"Did it work?" Harry asked.
Remus chuckled. "It did. Sirius did pull his wand on us, though. As we got older we would try to lure each other here for a prank. In seventh year, James liked to kiss your mum here. They found it peaceful."
"And I'm sure you didn't do anything to them while they were here," Harry added sarcastically.
Remus chuckled and said, "Your mum may have hexed us a time or two in this spot."
Harry chuckled. He loved hearing little stories and memories that popped up. "Can we try it?" Harry asked.
"Of course," Remus replied. He led Harry to the spot and Harry closed his eyes. He took some deep breaths and enjoyed the quiet. He didn't like the silence most of the time, but it helped quiet his mind with the rushing of the water on the rocks. It wasn't the waterfall, but it was certainly better than nothing.
Remus stood behind Harry and after a few moments, he put his arms over Harry's shoulders and rested them on his chest. Harry leaned into his dad and stayed there for several minutes as he enjoyed the contact and the sounds. Eventually, he knew it was time to move on. Harry ducked out of the hold and Remus stepped away.
"How was it?" Remus asked.
"Brilliant," Harry replied. "And you know what showing me it means?"
"What?" Remus asked.
"We'll have to prank Dadfoot."
Remus laughed and swung his arm around Harry. "That is most definitely true."
Harry smiled and Remus glanced over at him.
"How're you feeling?"
"Better. A lot better. This walk and our talk helped. The memory and the bridge helped a lot, too. The fog is passing and I don't really have super strong urges. I do feel really drained, though."
"That is to be expected. You did a lot of fighting today and it's only the early afternoon."
"Am I going back to classes?" Harry asked. He tried to keep his voice steady, but he was nervous about it. Luckily, before his thoughts could spiral, Remus answered.
"Oh, Merlin, No! I'm glad you're feeling better, but I'm guessing you're not 100%. I don't want anything to trigger you today when you're more vulnerable than usual. We're just going to take it easy for the rest of the day. How does that sound?"
Harry let out a sigh of relief. "Good. Merlin, you understand so well!"
Remus chuckled and lightly jabbed Harry with his elbow. "I may have been in your shoes before."
Harry nodded, knowing it was true. They walked in companionable silence for a while until Harry spoke again. "Moony Da, do you really, really think my life will get better?"
Remus stopped walking and put his hands on Harry's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Harry James Potter. I know your life will get better. There is so much more to learn, explore, and love. You've got so much ahead of you. I know there's so much more. It's going to be amazing."
Harry threw himself into Remus and they stayed there for a long while. The only reason they broke apart is that Harry thought he heard a noise and he opened his eyes. His eyes widened and he said, "Moony Da! Someone's there!"
Remus let go and pulled out his wand and jumped in front of Harry, shielding him.
"What did you see, Harry?" Remus asked, still in front of his son.
"I thought I saw a person. I-I guess I didn't," Harry said, ashamed.
Remus cast several spells and none alerted him to a person.
"I must just be tired, sorry," Harry said, embarrassed.
"Hey, none of that. I'm sure you saw something. It could've been an animal as well. Maybe even a centaur? We are near the forest."
Harry shrugged. It could have been one, he guessed.
"Why don't we head back for a rest, hmm? I'm sure Dadfoot will be so happy to hear you're doing okay. And we both know I have to give him an update."
Harry chuckled, thinking back to Sirius' threats if Remus didn't give him an update.
"Yeah, I heard what Dadfoot said to you and I would not want that either."
Remus blushed a bit and said, "Cheeky Cub!"
Remus and Harry continued to talk as they went back to their quarters. Sirius was rather happy to hear about Harry.
The three of them stayed in their quarters for the rest of the night. They had some shepherd's pie for dinner and some leftover treacle tart for dessert.
Harry didn't have a ton of either, but it was more than lunch and no nutrition potion was needed.
Remus made sure Harry got to bed a bit early that night and he and Sirius both tucked him in.
"We are so proud of you, Harry," Remus said, tucking the covers around him.
"You did so well," Sirius praised.
"Thanks for everything," Harry said, yawning.
"It was our pleasure. Are you going to be alright by yourself?" Remus asked as his eyebrows knitted together.
"I will. The urges are gone, Moony Da," Harry reassured him.
"Get us if you need us," Remus added.
Sirius, however, did not have that restraint. He popped into Padfoot and hopped onto Harry's bed.
"Padfoot," Harry chuckled. "I'm okay, really!"
Padfoot just went up next to Harry and cuddled in.
"Well, I see you're in good company tonight," Remus said, smiling at him.
Remus also knew that he spent all day with Harry and this was a way Sirius could feel useful and he wasn't going to take that away from him.
"I love you so much. Both of you," Remus said, kissing them both.
"I love you too, Moony Da," Harry replied.
"Sweet dreams, Cubby. See you in the morning."
"See you in the morning," Harry echoed as he snuggled into Padfoot.
Remus allowed his eyes to linger on that beautiful sight before shutting off the light.
Another storm was weathered and Remus counted his blessings that night, starting and ending with Sirius and Harry.
They were getting there. They can do it.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)