Author's Note: TW for depression, hopelessness, references to self-harm. Thanks for existing. You're doing great. You are loved.
Previous chapter summary: Marlene goes back to her job. Remus brings Harry and Draco in for a therapy session to go over what happened when they were taken. Draco finds out that Harry contributed potions to his detention count. Harry finds out that Quidditch is officially canceled (again).
This chapter summary: Harry's depression gets worse. Remus offers Harry an incentive for studying. Harry has a rough Occlumency session and doesn't want to stay with his parents which ruffles some feathers.
Guest Reviews:
Urgwaew: Hi, love! Thank you so much! We will see Marlene again soon! She might be around more in Harry's sixth year *wink*. I'm so glad you liked my sappy lines! They're often my favorites! Yes, Draco deserves reassurance, too! and yes! Old Black Family Magic! Bless! And oh my goodness, thank you! Ever since Harry first asked Snape to make potions for Harry, I had it in my mind to write Draco's reaction scene. Knowing that it didn't disappoint makes me feel so relieved! I also really want to focus on the good Slytherin traits and one of those, in my opinion, is being able to stay cool, calm, and collected, under pressure (most of the time- everyone is human) (okay not magical creatures or elves BUT JUST GO WITH IT). Anyway, I just see Draco being able to think things through much more clearly than Harry can and think more logically. YES, the Gryffindors looking at the staff table and Sirius waving- such a funny scene! I'm so glad you and others liked it! I appreciate you and your kind words. I hope you like this chapter!
StormFire11: Hi, friend! It's so amazing to see a new name and WOW! You binged it in a few days! I'm so honored! Thank you! There will be more content until Harry finishes Hogwarts. I don't have a prequel for it, but I do have some one-shots on my profile and one is when Harry was little. I'll definitely write more from when Harry was younger, I'm just not sure when. Thanks again for liking my story! I appreciate you!
While processing with Sirius and Remus the night Quidditch was canceled was helpful, it didn't take care of the lingering loss Harry felt.
Harry went through the motions for classes and found himself canceling some DA meetings just because. He found himself in bed on the weekends, not finding the strength to do anything.
Remus and Sirius were naturally worried about him and checked in with him daily. Harry was aware of his feelings but didn't have much motivation. He felt so lost. He didn't know what he had control over anymore.
In a therapy session with Remus, Harry talked more about it.
"I'm not hurting myself, Moony Da, I promise! I've been using my coping mechanisms. I can prove it to you!" Harry insisted, pulling up his sleeves.
Remus glanced at Harry's arms but said, "Harry, I trust you. I have seen you using your coping skills and I am so proud of you for it. I also know that you haven't been yourself lately and I'm worried."
"It's all I had control over! It was the very last thing!" Harry explained. "I don't know what else I have control over. Not even meals because you are making me drink a nutrition potion!"
"I'm encouraging you to drink a nutrition potion because you aren't eating at meals. I want to make sure you stay healthy. Even Aunt Poppy came up to me earlier this week because she was worried about you."
Harry groaned and fell back into a pillow. "I'm doing my best! I don't need all these people watching me! I want space!"
"They're not trying to take anything away from you, Harry. They're not trying to crowd around you. They just love you and want what's best for you."
"Quidditch is best for me!" Harry argued.
"I know. We just can't do anything about it. Trust me, we've tried."
Harry knew that was true but still didn't like the outcome. "I'm tired, Moony Da. I'm so tired. And yet the school year is just getting harder."
"How're you doing with that? OWLs are in less than two months."
"I know they're a big deal, really. I just-" Harry sighed.
"What, Cub?" Remus prompted softly.
"I've told you before that I don't see a future for myself after Voldemort. I just don't see the point," Harry admitted quietly, shrugging.
Remus hummed and nodded. "It's not easy to take these tests seriously when you don't know how they will be useful."
Harry shrugged but nodded.
It was quiet for a minute or two before Remus spoke up. "Can I make some suggestions?"
"Of course. Please," Harry said, hating how he felt.
"I know intrinsic motivation, or the motivation that comes inside of you is the most important thing. However, we can work on some extrinsic motivation, or motivation that comes from other sources?"
"Like what?" Harry asked.
"For every hour you study you get a "point". For every certain amount of points can get you a reward."
"Like what, a sucker?" Harry snarked.
Remus gave Harry a small smile. "No. I was thinking more like taking your team to a Quidditch pitch."
Harry sat up straighter now. "No way?!"
Remus chuckled and smiled. "Yes. How does that sound?"
"Brilliant! What else?" Harry asked.
"I'm sure Dadfoot and I can think of other things. A trip to Diagon Ally or Hogsmeade, a weekend away from Hogwarts, help with pranks, maybe some stuff like that."
For the first time in weeks, Remus finally saw a spark in Harry's eyes. "I-I'd like that, Moony Da. Thanks."
Remus got up and walked over to Harry. "We're working on you seeing your future. It feels unbearable, I know. I also want you to know that we see a bright future for you, even if you don't see it yourself. We're here to support you in any way we can."
"Thanks, Moony Da. Besides, I guess Dadfoot would be pretty upset if I wasn't in his classes the next two years."
"We'd never hear the end of it!" Remus groaned.
Harry chuckled and leaned into Remus, which is something he hadn't been doing.
Remus smiled at Harry's affection and he wrapped his arms around his cub."You're going to be okay. It's going to be okay."
While Harry's Thursday therapy session helped, it certainly didn't help his Occlumency session with Snape on Friday.
Harry fell back panting as Snape pulled out of his mind.
"Concentrate, Potter! Keep me out of your mind!" Snape exclaimed, both frustrated and worried.
"I'm trying!" Harry insisted.
"Try harder!" Snape said.
Harry glared at his professor and Snape sighed. He took a step back and set his wand down. He put his fingers to his temples, trying to stop the headache he had from getting any worse.
"I don't mean to snap, Harry. I don't know what's going on with you. It is imperative you learn this. Get your mind together and we will resume."
Harry nodded and closed his eyes. He focused on trying to build his wall. His mind was a mess and Harry found himself throwing things aside to try to find his broom to ride.
"I'm entering your mind in 3, 2, 1," Snape said lowly.
Harry still wasn't ready but threw up a wall that Snape easily got through. Harry found himself once again falling down his mental well and into a memory.
"MUM! THE FREAK IS BACK!" Dudley shouted. Mrs. Figg had dropped Harry off from her house when the Dursleys went away on vacation.
Petunia grimaced at the sight of him. "We have loads of laundry. Vernon wants it done tonight. Go."
3-year-old Harry looked and saw the massive suitcases that were still by the door. He nodded and grabbed one and pulled it to the laundry room.
"BOY! Don't mark up my floors!" Vernon yelled as he slapped Harry's head.
Harry winced, which wasn't appreciated.
"You think just because you had a week away means you can cry about it? I'll give you something to cry about," Vernon snarled as he grabbed Harry and dragged him to a corner.
Vernon punched and beat Harry as Dudley cheered. Harry was a small three-year-old so it didn't take long for Harry to become black and blue. Vernon dragged Harry to his cupboard and growled, "Next time, don't make a sound. Laundry will be waiting."
The memory faded and Harry found himself back in the dungeons with Snape.
"That is certainly enough for today," Snape sighed. He had seen other memories before this one, but this is the first one with the abuse tonight. It never got easier.
Harry nodded and panted, trying desperately to shove away what he saw.
"Come, Harry. Let me take you back to your parents. I'm sure Lupin can help," Snape said wearily after taking a swig of firewhiskey.
"N-no. I just want to get back to my dorm," Harry tried to protest, shakily standing up.
Snape snorted. "Your fathers may think we are something akin to 'friends' now, but if I don't return you they will have my head. Come along," Severus said, gently grabbing hold of some of the material of Harry's robes and leading him back to his quarters.
Sirius answered the door immediately. Instead of his face being filled with relief like it normally is when Harry returns from Occlumency lessons, concern and worry washed over his face.
Remus could smell the despair and exhaustion off of Harry and quickly got up and went to the door.
"What happened?" Sirius asked as he scanned Severus and Harry.
"It was not a productive lesson," Snape said, handing Harry to Sirius who promptly wrapped him in a hug.
"He seems to have a lot on his mind. He needs to work on his barriers before our lesson next week."
"Are you okay, Severus?" Remus asked, taking a step forward as Sirius led Harry to the couch.
Severus waved off his concern. "I am alright. It's just another night that I want to destroy his so-called relatives."
Remus sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Them again? We hadn't seen a memory that deep in a while, have we?"
Severus shook his head. "I don't know what's going on with him, but something is," Severus said.
Remus sighed again and nodded at Severus. "Thank you, Severus. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you."
Severus returned the nod and swept away and Remus walked over to where Harry and Sirius were bickering on the couch.
"I'm okay. It wasn't even that bad of a session," Harry argued.
"I just don't understand," Sirius replied.
"Hold up. What are we talking about?" Remus interrupted.
Harry rolled his eyes and Sirius turned to Remus and said, "Harry wants to go to the dorms to sleep."
Remus kept his facial expression neutral. "Is that true, Harry?"
Harry nodded.
"Why?" Remus asked.
Harry huffed. "I just want some space tonight! I'm not going to do anything, I just need some time by myself."
Remus thought for a moment and sat down. "Harry, being around people might make whatever you had to see easier to deal with."
"But I want to deal with it my way! Tonight I saw the Dursleys again. It wasn't even that bad. I know you both would never do that to me, but I just want to be alone, okay?"
Remus' eyes stayed on Harry as he thought about it.
"You normally spend Sunday nights here, but that's going to be the full moon. You won't have to be back here until Tuesday night if you spend the night tonight. Is that fair?"
"But I want to be in the dorms tonight!" Harry whined.
"If you want to spend the night in the dorms that is alright, you just have to spend Saturday night here instead and Sunday night with Grandma Min."
"That's not fair!" Harry stomped.
"Saturday would be making up for a night you usually spend with us and Sunday night you'd be with an adult, like always. Tell me what you don't think is fair?" Remus asked patiently.
Harry let out an angry breath. He had to admit that Remus was right. "Okay, fine. I'll stay here. I just want some space, okay?" Harry grumbled.
"Of course," Remus agreed and Harry stomped off to his bedroom.
Sirius looked at Remus wildly and Remus waved his wand to put up a silencing charm. "He's allowed to want space. It's normal for him to be upset."
"Why is it different this time? He usually wants connection and comfort after these lessons."
"Each time is different. And it took him a while to accept that comfort and care. He used to push us away when something happened. Look at the past summer. He'll cool off, but he is allowed to be angry. I just want to make sure he stays safe and I'm worried if we sent him to the dorms tonight he wouldn't be. Or he wouldn't take care of himself. I want to help him while also giving him some space."
Sirius nodded, releasing a breath. "I'm glad you know what you're doing, Moony. I sure as heck don't."
Remus smiled and got up to hold Sirius' hand. "We're in this together, Sirius. We're a team. I love you."
Sirius smiled and kissed Remus. "I love you too, Remus. So bloody much."
Remus smiled, thinking about all the times Sirius had said that before. "So bloody much."
About twenty minutes later, Remus knocked softly on Harry's door.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. Can I come in?"
Harry sighed. "Sure."
Remus opened and shut the door and sat down in Harry's desk chair. "How're you doing, Cub?"
"'M okay. I, uh, have been thinking. I know you're right and it's good I'm here. I just like space sometimes, y'know? Being with you and Dadfoot is great and all, but sometimes it feels… I dunno."
"Suffocating?" Remus supplied with a small smile.
"I mean I wouldn't go that far, but," Harry trailed off.
"Oh, you can go that far. The Marauders are the opposite of subtle. Lily loved to tell us how suffocating we were at times. Heck, we all told each other it. We wouldn't trade our friendship, but we also had to have space sometimes. It's normal and natural for anyone."
"You're not mad?" Harry asked, looking up at Remus.
"Of course not. Harry, what do I say about your feelings?"
"That they're valid and you can't control them."
Remus smiled. "Exactly. Of course, I'm not mad at you for feeling that way."
Harry nodded and took a deep breath. "Moony Da, is Dadfoot mad?"
Remus shook his head. "No, he's not mad. He didn't understand why you were upset, but he understands more now."
Harry thought back about his actions and winced. "I really didn't mean to be rude, I'm sorry."
"Thank you for saying that. You probably should tell Dadfoot that, too, when you're ready."
Harry nodded, mentally making a note.
"I was proud of you for using your words that you wanted space. That was really good, Harry. Nice job."
"Thanks, but it wasn't much," Harry shrugged.
"It was a lot," Remus said, giving Harry an approving nod. "You did well. Know that."
"Thanks," Harry said quietly, smoothing down his blanket.
"I also wanted to ask you if you wanted me to explain why I think it's important you stay here tonight. It's completely up to you if you want the explanation."
"Yeah, I'd like that," Harry replied, looking up at Remus.
Remus nodded and began to explain. "It's hard when we lose something important to us. It's also hard when we have to relive a traumatic moment. When our feelings are elevated it's easy for things to get out of hand. I want to make sure you're safe tonight and I also want to make sure you take care of yourself."
"Moony Da-" Harry began, putting up a hand.
"When I was your age I spent more than one weekend in bed because I didn't have enough motivation to get out. A few times Professor McGonagall herself even came into our room to check on me."
Harry was visibly surprised.
"I know. No one wants to enter the dorm of four teenage boys. I can't imagine how bad it smelled to her. Anyway, my point is that I don't want you feeling too lost to ask for something. I want you to be close to help should you need it."
"Thank you, Moony Da," Harry replied, allowing his godparent's words to sink in.
"I'll respect your space and so will Dadfoot. We will come in to say goodnight, but we'll leave you be tonight besides that. Please get us if you need or want anything, okay?"
"I will. Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said with a smile.
Remus leaned forward and squeezed Harry's hand before getting up and softly walking out the door.
Remus and Sirius did give Harry his space and came in to say goodnight when it was time.
"We're heading to bed now, Harry. Can we come in to say goodnight?" Remus asked after knocking softly.
"Sure," Harry agreed. He was lying in bed. He had a book next to him, but his mind kept wandering.
"Goodnight, Harry. We love you," Remus said as he walked over to his godson.
"Love you too, Moony Da."
Remus eyed Harry and looked him in the eye. "Are you sure you're okay?"
Harry knew it would be fruitless to lie to him. "I have a lot on my mind. I'll be okay eventually. I know I can get you if I need you."
Remus' lips pursed in worry, but he didn't protest. "I'll respect that you want space. Just know that we're right here if you need anything at all. We love you so much, Harry."
"I love you, too," Harry replied.
Remus kissed Harry's head and walked to his bedroom to allow Sirius and Harry to have a moment alone.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier. I was feeling a lot from everything. I didn't mean to take it out on you."
Sirius nodded and ran a hand through Harry's hair. "Thanks for that. I'm glad you feel safe enough to express yourself here, though. Merlin, Harry. Y'know I love you."
Harry nodded. "I love you too, Dadfoot."
Sirius embraced Harry and held him there for more than a few seconds. "I am right here if you need anything. You are not alone. We love you."
Harry's eyes prickled with tears but he quickly blinked them away. "Thanks, Dadfoot."
Sirius released Harry and looked at him before kissing his head. "Sweet dreams."
Harry felt himself release a breath once Sirius had shut the door and walked away. He loved his parents, but he didn't want to talk about it right now. Harry shook his head and once again picked up the book that was near him in hopes of distracting him from the thoughts in his head.
It occurred to Harry about an hour later that he didn't have any dreamless sleep to take like he often does after a rough occlumency session. He briefly debated breaking into the cabinet where it was held, but he knew that there would be severe repercussions for that and he'd have several long talks with Remus about it and he did not want that. He also knew that he could go to see Madame Pomfrey, but she'd talk to Remus, and once again, more long talks would ensue.
Harry sighed and wished he had it. If anything, he wished he had something to just make him sleep. He just wanted to escape the thoughts running around in his head. However, he couldn't do that. He'd have to settle with being awake.
Harry felt that sometimes the nightmares were easier to deal with because he'd wake up eventually and it wouldn't be real. The thoughts in his head while awake, on the other hand, were very real and they weren't going anywhere.
Harry ended up staying awake past midnight trying to shove aside the events of the day and the thoughts in his mind. He was grateful when sleep finally took over. He had a nightmare but had once again put up a silencing charm by force of habit. It took him a while to fall back asleep after he woke up, but he did eventually. Of course, all of this means that Harry slept in later than he usually does.
"Moony, it's 10:30 and Harry is still sleeping! Is he okay?" Sirius asked, pacing the sitting room floor.
Remus was in his armchair trying to grade some essays. "Yes, Padfoot. Harry's sleeping. You and I both know how late you slept in as a fifth year. I can recall more than one Saturday you woke up after noon."
Sirius huffed and sat down on the sofa. "But this is Harry! And we don't know what's going on!"
"He's 15 Siri. We don't have to know everything," Remus reminded him gently.
"But I want to!" Sirius whined.
Remus chuckled and smiled and went over to his husband. "He's old enough for some space, Love. We know he didn't hurt himself or the alarms would've gone off. He's safe and he's just behind that door. He'll wake up soon and we can check in with him then."
"What if I just go in as Padfoot, just for a bit?" Sirius asked, standing up as he looked at the door and took a step forward.
"I don't think so," Remus said as he grabbed hold of Sirius' arm and yanked him back down on the couch.
"Moony!" Sirius stomped. "What am I going to do?" Sirius whined again.
"You have several things you can do, Professor Black," Remus reminded him.
Sirius huffed. "It's Saturday. No schoolwork. C'mon, Moony; you know me and my Saturday rules." Sirius huffed. "What am I going to do?"
While Remus rolled his eyes at his childish husband, a sly smile spread across his face. Remus set down the essay and quill he had and turned to Sirius. "I think we can think of something."
Sirius sighed and turned to Remus, "Moony, what-" Sirius was cut off by Remus' lips landing on his own.
"Mr. Moony! Are you using your body to distract me?" Sirius faux-gasped as Remus pulled away.
"Maybe," Remus breathed, kissing Sirius' neck.
"Well, it's working," Sirius replied, hungrily kissing Remus back.
Remus did manage to distract Sirius quite well and lucky for Harry, Sirius, and Remus, Harry stayed sleeping for over an hour, so there were no interruptions.
When Harry woke up he stayed in bed for a while before getting up and walking out to the sitting room. Remus and Sirius were grading papers and freshly showered.
"Good morning, Pup!" Sirius exclaimed, seeing Harry first. H stood up and went over to Harry to hug him. "How'd you sleep?"
Harry shrugged but returned the hug.
Remus' forehead creased with concern at Harry's shrug. "What happened last night, Cub?"
Harry shrugged again and turned away. "Just didn't sleep well. I don't really wanna talk about it."
Sirius looked at Remus and Remus slowly nodded. "Okay. We're here if you change your mind."
Harry nodded but kept his eyes downcast.
"Can we get you something to eat?" Sirius asked, changing the subject.
Harry didn't really want to eat, but he knew that turning away food would only rouse suspicions.
"Okay," he agreed, walking to the kitchen.
Harry worked to eat most of the breakfast Sirius gave him and went over surface questions with Sirius and Remus.
"What are your plans for the day?" Sirius asked as he cleared Harry's plate.
"I, uh, was going to head to the dorms," Harry answered, wringing his hands under the table.
Sirius raised his eyebrow and looked at Remus who schooled his expression.
"What are you going to do there?"
Harry shrugged again but replied saying, "Just hang out with friends. Study."
"Are you sure you don't want to stay here, Pup? Moony Da and I can help you study," Sirius offered.
"I'm sure. Is that okay?"
"Of course. We're glad you spent the night," Remus said.
Harry nodded and mumbled a thank you and scurried to his room.
"What are we going to do?" Sirius asked as he sat down.
"Keep an eye on him," Remus replied, looking where Harry just was.
They sat whispering until Harry came out of his room.
"I, uh, am gonna go now," Harry said awkwardly as he shifted his weight between his feet.
"We'll see you at dinner, yes?" Remus asked.
However, Harry knew that it was more of a statement than a question. He better be seen at dinner.
"Yeah, okay. Love you," Harry said.
Remus and Sirius both went over to Harry to hug him and walk him out.
"Get us if you need anything," Remus reminded him.
Harry nodded and hurried out of the Marauder Quarters. When he got to the Gryffindor Common Room there were some people there, but he didn't pay too much attention to them and made his way to his dorm room where Dean, Seamus, and Ron were.
"Harry!" Ron cried, smiling. "You're back!"
"Yeah," Harry replied, smiling weakly.
"You're normally here later," Seamus commented. He was draped over Dean on his bed.
"Yeah, I broke out early today," Harry tried to joke.
"We're just hanging out, but we can do something if you want," Dean offered, giving Harry a warm smile.
Harry shook his head. "Nah, I'm tired, I was going to rest. Don't worry, I'll put up a silencing charm."
Unbeknownst to Harry, Ron glared at Seamus.
"You don't have to, Harry. You're fine," Seamus stuttered when he caught Ron's glare.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Harry replied softly as he pulled out his wand to draw his curtains and put up a silencing charm.
He liked the privacy he had at home, but he knew that he would be bothered by his parents. At least here no one would make him leave his bed.
Harry stayed in his bed with his curtains drawn. He fell asleep for a short while. He did his best to ignore any of the hushed voices about him and instead counted backward from 1000.
It was Ron who finally approached Harry's bed.
"Harry, it's dinner time. Are you coming?"
Harry took down his silencing charm and said, "I'll be there soon. Go down without me now."
"We'll wait for you, mate," Neville said now that he was back from the greenhouses.
"Really, go. I'm fine," Harry found himself saying before he could even think.
"Harry," Neville said, his voice much sterner. "I'm going to wait for you."
Harry sighed. "Fine, but everyone else can go."
Harry heard hushed voices and a protest from Ron, but they agreed.
Harry laid back down in bed for a few minutes, hoping that Neville would leave.
When Harry finally made his way out of his bed, however, Neville was there.
"Hey, Nev," Harry said weakly.
"Hey, Harry."
Harry sighed and said, "the word just came out! I'm doing okay, just tired."
Neville shook his head. "I used that excuse too. You can't get past me. Harry, it's okay if you're not okay."
"I just don't want you to talk to my dad. They just saw me last night and this morning. I just want some space."
Neville nodded. "Okay, that's fair. Just ask if you need anything."
Harry nodded and tried to give Neville a weak smile.
Truthfully, he was tired of hearing that line.
Harry followed Neville out of the dorms and to the Great Hall.
Meanwhile, Sirius and Remus made sure they got to dinner right on time so they wouldn't miss Harry. They were concerned when Ron, Seamus, and Dean showed up without Harry but were relieved when he showed up with Neville.
Harry had some soup and a few bites of the pork that was served. It wasn't enough for them to be satisfied, but it was enough for them not to bother Harry tonight and to leave him alone for the full moon.
Harry worked hard at simply surviving that weekend and week. He did enough things to not have too many concerned people. While Minerva, Remus, and Sirius all knew something was up, they didn't have enough evidence to keep Harry with them. Harry studied enough and made it to classes and most meals. He didn't stay long, but he didn't cause any sort of trouble, either.
Remus was planning on pinning Harry down on Thursday during his session, but Harry's therapy session was canceled due to an emergency. Harry also had his Occlumency lesson canceled on Friday because a particular Dark Lord was calling Severus.
Harry was beyond relieved about both and he was reluctantly allowed to stay in his dorms Friday night due to the agreement they had made months ago.
Harry felt like he was in the clear, but there was a nagging voice in the back of his head telling him he shouldn't get too comfortable.
He should've listened.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)