Author's Note: Hi friends! Sorry for the late posting. I was so busy getting my classroom together (spent over 100 hours in less than a week, and spent a ton of money). My depression has sort of kicked my butt, too. I am so thankful to have a support network like you all. I wouldn't be here without you! All my love! YOU ARE LOVED!
TW for abuse, trauma, flashbacks, disassociation, references to self-harm
Guest Reviews:
Urgwaew: Hi friend! Thank you so much for the lovely review! Yes, Harry's schedule is so overwhelming, but a bit more manageable. I know how stressful standardized tests are and I'm going to explore that more in the next chapter (but not just with Harry). It's going in a different direction than I had planned, but that's okay! I love that you found that line funny! Sassy Harry is so much fun to write! And okay that flashback was one of my favorite things to write! Little Harry is just the best! You have been on this wild journey with me for so long and I can't thank you enough for it! Good thing it's not going to end anytime soon! I just feel like I should do a fic a year, but I'll pick up near where I leave off! I can't imagine leaving all of my friends behind (that includes you!) You are so loved, Urgwaew, and I'm glad you're here.
This chapter summary: Harry has an occlumency session with Albus. A memory is seen and Harry has to deal with Albus seeing it and his feelings about it. Some conversations occur.
Previous chapter summary: The adults come up with an action plan to help Harry manage everything going on with him. Remus checks in with Harry about how he's doing. Harry talks to Albus about taking Occlumency lessons with him
Harry's magic levels did improve and he worked hard in his studies. He was slowly learning more about Occlumency and Snape was doing his best to pull out before Harry got too tired. Albus, however, was still learning.
Harry was in an Occlumency session with Albus now. Albus hadn't seen any memories yet from Harry, but that was about to change.
He was trying to penetrate Harry's mind and was testing the teenager's mental barriers. Harry was focusing on flying. He worked extra hard because although he talked with Albus, he still didn't want him to see anything. He wanted to keep it private. Harry kept his barriers up until Dumbledore's strong efforts finally broke Harry's walls.
Harry felt himself fall off his mental broom and fall into a memory.
Harry, who had recently turned 2, was tip-toeing in the kitchen. He was allowed out of his cupboard and went to get Dudley's plastic plate from the cabinet (one of his morning chores).
Petunia was too busy trying to crane her neck out of the window to spy on her neighbor and wasn't paying attention to the toddler and stepped on his foot.
"You terrible freak! Get away!" She screamed, swinging the frying pan at him.
Now Petunia has done this many times, but this is the first time it made contact with Harry's head. Harry fell to the floor and immediately started crying.
Petunia blanched for a moment before her face turned cold. "You deserved it! Now get back in your cupboard!"
Two-year-old Harry couldn't move, however, He was seeing spots and stars and his head ached, not to mention the burn.
"BOY! Didn't you hear her? Get in there!" Vernon bellowed. He picked Harry up by the scruff of his neck and threw him in his cupboard, causing Harry to wail louder.
When he finally settled down, Harry realized he wasn't even given a fresh diaper, and knew he would have to sit in his dirty one for the rest of the day. He cried himself to sleep for the first nap of many that day.
Albus quickly pulled out of his mind, horrified. He has seen the memories shown to him and heard stories, but this is the first time he found a memory on his own. It's been a long time since he felt this shocked and disgusted. He was usually warned how bad it was, but he wasn't prepared for this. "Harry, I am so sorry."
Harry shook his head. His eyes were full of tears and he looked away.
"Harry James, you did not deserve any of that," Albus firmly reassured him, walking over to him. He worked hard at keeping his voice steady. Albus put his hand on Harry's shoulder and Harry flinched and pulled away, causing Albus to remove his hand.
"Harry, say something," Albus encouraged softly.
Harry stared into the fire, disassociating from reality. "It wasn't even that bad compared to others. That's just the youngest I have seen. I mean, I've seen me at two, but I was barely two here."
Albus was terribly distraught at what he saw, but that didn't seem to phase Harry. "You were too young. Actually, no one is old enough for that treatment. I don't care if you're 2, 32, or 102. No one deserves that."
Harry gave a small nod and stayed silent, still looking into the fire. After a couple of minutes, Harry abruptly stood up and said, "I-I think I'm going to go now."
Albus knew that Remus would probably be best for Harry with everything that's happened, so he nodded. "Okay. I'll take you back."
Harry shook his head. "I think I'm going to walk back. I just want some time by myself." Harry walked toward the door.
Albus quickly stood up and took large strides over to Harry and the door. He put his hand out and shut the door. "You are not leaving here alone, Harry."
"I just need some time," Harry weakly protested, looking down and fiddling with his sleeves.
"I won't make you talk, but I do not want you alone right now. Would you still like to leave?"
Harry nodded.
"Very well." Albus opened the door and Harry quickly exited. He made his way down the stairs, with Dumbledore close behind.
Harry knew better than to try to lose Dumbledore. Besides, he respected that he was true to his word in not making him talk.
About halfway to the Marauder Quarters, something inside of Harry snapped. Maybe it was the reality of the trauma catching up to him, or the realization that Abus had seen his flashback firsthand- Harry didn't know. Either way, he felt his insides begin to crumble. He slowed his pace and Albus matched it, with a concerned glance over to Harry.
The teenager was now holding back tears and his fists were clenched tight.
Harry stopped walking and Albus gently said, "Harry?"
Like a deer (or stag, in this case) in the headlights, Harry's eyes widened and he was frozen before running into the nearest classroom and shutting the door behind him, sitting in front of it. The tears were falling down his face and Harry was wracked with sobs.
Albus tried to open the door but quickly realized Harry was in front of it.
"Harry, can you move, please? I want to make sure you're okay," Albus said gently.
No response.
Albus quickly sent a Patronus to Remus and then went back to trying to talk to Harry. "Harry, I know you want to be alone. I just want to make sure you're safe."
Harry could barely hear Albus. He was lost in his own head with his thoughts and they weren't stopping. Memories of his trauma and the lies flying through his head wouldn't stop.
Albus continued to talk kindly to Harry but wasn't able to get a response. He could tell Harry was by the door and while he could force his way in, he knew that it would only cause Harry more trauma.
Thankfully, Remus was down by Albus in a record amount of time. "Albus? Where is he?" Remus asked. He was the picture of a calm therapist, but Albus could see the concerned parent thinly veiled.
"Behind the door. He hasn't answered my questions, but I've been able to hear him."
Remus nodded. "Thank you," he said genuinely to his former headmaster before going to the door.
Remus knocked lightly and said, "Harry, it's Moony Da. Can you let me in?"
Harry perked up at hearing Remus' voice. He sniffed and listened again.
"Harry, it's Moony Da. I'm here for you."
Harry wiped his face and moved away from the door to a wall.
Remus could hear the shuffling and after a moment tried the door. When the knob turned and opened a crack, Remus looked back at Albus and gave him a nod that reassured him that he was handling it, and then slipped inside.
"Harry," Remus said tenderly, sitting down next to him. "What's going on?"
Remus made sure to give Harry some space, which Harry appreciated. He wasn't quite ready for physical contact yet.
Harry didn't reply and Remus allowed there to be silence for several minutes. When he noticed Harry fidgeting with his sleeves, he spoke up again. "Harry, Love? What are you feeling?"
It was quiet again and Remus wasn't sure if Harry was going to respond, but he did.
"Angry. Embarrassed. Scared. Confused."
Remus nodded. "Those are not easy emotions to deal with, especially all at once."
"It was the lesson," Harry began to explain. "Granda saw a memory. It wasn't that bad, not really. I was just so young, Moony Da. I was barely two."
Remus felt his heart clench painfully and his stomach dropped. Even with his advanced training, Moony shone through and there was a quick flash of amber in his eyes. Remus calmed himself down and did what he could to put Moony to the side.
"It's when Au- er, Petunia," Harry stopped and took a couple of deep breaths. Harry sometimes still called her 'Aunt Peunia' but Remus and Sirius have had several conversations with Harry that she was in no way an aunt to him and didn't deserve that title and so he didn't have to use it, the same goes with Vernon. Harry agreed with the logic, but he still slipped up. They literally beat those terms into him.
"It's when Petunia first hit me with a frying pan. When I saw the memory I remembered how much it hurt. I was crying and didn't move. I didn't follow the directions! I should've just been silent! It hurt so bad!" Harry cried.
He reached his arm up and started to yank at his hair in the same spot Petunia hit him at.
"Harry, you're safe now," Remus reminded him. "Can you move your hand for me?"
Harry didn't reply and kept pulling at his hair.
"Harry, stop hurting yourself. Leave your hair alone."
Now Harry started to murmur to himself, once again disassociated.
Remus was trying to give Harry space, but he was going to intervene if Harry wasn't going to stop, which he wasn't.
Remus reached over and gently took Harry's hand out of his hair and into his own. "Harry, you're safe. You are at Hogwarts. Moony Da is here. I've got you, Cub."
Harry felt Remus squeeze his hand and the soothing words helped guide him back to the present.
Harry's face further flushed with embarrassment. "I don't even know what's going on, Moony Da. I should be fine- er well, you know!"
Remus shook his head. "There's no wrong way to react, Harry. You have to relieve your worst memories. You've done remarkably well and this is no exception. Trauma doesn't play fair. We take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. You are not weak. You are strong. You are doing a good job."
"It doesn't feel like it," Harry admitted. He wanted to play with his sleeves again, but his hand was still in Remus'. He held back a whine, but his fingers twitched. Remus squeezed his hand again and started to rub soothing circles with his thumb.
"It was overwhelming, I guess. I didn't think one would come up when I was young."
"You didn't deserve it then. You don't deserve it now. And you will never deserve it," Remus reassured him firmly.
"Granda said that," Harry admitted. "And I know it, I do! But part of me can't help but feel that I do- or did. Does that make sense?"
Remus nodded. "Of course it does. We can logically know something, but feeling it or believing it is a whole other ballgame."
Harry smiled at the muggle phrases Remus used. He knew them when he was younger and he appreciated them. "You're right, Moony Da. That's it exactly!"
Remus gave Harry a reassuring smile. "It's normal. We just keep working on it, yes?"
Harry nodded. Remus allowed some quiet, giving Harry time to gather his thoughts before he spoke again.
"And Granda saw it. I've been working so hard at keeping him out because I didn't want him to see. But he did."
"It's not easy being vulnerable and having people see what you try to hide."
"Yeah. You would know, wouldn't you?" Harry asked knowingly.
Remus nodded. "It is not easy at all. I trusted both your dads, but it didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless when I found out they knew that I was a werewolf."
"Does it get easier?"
"Yes, it does. Lots of conversations helped. It was nice to have people in my corner I could, and can, trust."
"I know it's different because Granda knew, but he hadn't been in my mind before to see it. It's different."
"Them knowing I was a werewolf was one thing. Them seeing me transform was another."
"YES! Exactly!" Harry cried thankful Remus understood. "Ugh! Moony Da! You get it!"
Harry finally went over to Remus and laid his head on his shoulder, feeling safer and much more in the present.
Remus smiled, thankful Harry was more present and feeling a bit better. "You talked to Professor Dumbledore about this previously, correct?"
"Yeah. I know how he feels. It still wasn't easy."
"Of course. I'm glad you are able to remember his reassuring words right now. And Harry, it's okay that it doesn't make it better or easier. You are allowed to feel exactly how you're feeling. It is all okay. It is all valid."
Harry let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. Something inside of him needed to hear that.
"Thanks, Moony Da," Harry said, lifting his head up.
"Anytime, Harry. I'm here for you. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Harry repositioned himself so he was lying on Remus. "Can we just stay here for a while? I just need a bit, if that's okay."
"Of course, we can. I'm proud of you for asking for what you need. Nice job."
Harry blushed, but just snuggled further into his uncle.
They stayed there for a while until Harry said, "I could stay here longer, but I'm better. I think it'll be good to go home. And I think Dadfoot is probably losing it."
Remus bit back a chuckle because he wanted to make sure Harry was focusing on his needs. "Harry, I don't want you to worry about Dadfoot or me or anyone else. If you want to stay here, we can stay here."
Harry lifted his head up and smiled gratefully at Remus. "I know. But I think we'd both be more comfortable at home. If you're still willing to be with me, of course," Harry added quickly.
Remus gently moved Harry's chin so he was looking at him. "Of course. I wouldn't expect anything different. Maybe some hot chocolate too, yeah?"
A genuine smile made its way to Harry's face. It was small but real. "I'd like that."
"Good. Would you like to wait a few more minutes or go now?"
"We can go now."
Remus got up and helped Harry up before walking him back to the Marauder Quarters in comfortable silence.
Sirius, meanwhile, was pacing back and forth and doing all sorts of things trying to stay occupied.
"Harry! Are you okay?!" Sirius asked as soon as Harry and Remus came through the door.
Remus put his hand out to stop Sirius from coming too close because he didn't want to trigger Harry.
Luckily, Sirius understood, but his eyes were pleading for some reassurance and explanations.
Harry had slightly stiffened when he saw Sirius coming toward him, but he quickly relaxed and turned to Remus and said, "Told you."
Remus didn't bother holding back a chuckle now. "He does love you very much."
"I know," Harry said. The teenager walked over to Sirius and gave him a hug. "'M okay, Dadfoot. Moony Da helped."
Remus smiled at the sight and went into the kitchen to make some promised hot chocolate.
"He usually does," Sirius agreed as Harry pulled away.
Harry walked over to the couch and Sirius sat down, allowing Harry to take the lead.
"Granddad got into my memories. It was with the Dursleys. I don't want to get into much again if that's okay, but I was little. I think I was newly two."
Sirius gritted his teeth and wished the Dursley family a painful death, but he reassured Harry. "Of course it's okay. I'm glad Moony Da was able to help. Is there anything I can do?"
Harry shook his head. "Not really. I just don't want to talk about it anymore."
"I won't make you, Pup. I'm here to love and support you any way I can."
"Thanks, Dadfoot," Harry said, now giving his other father a smile.
"Did anyone call for some hot chocolate?" Remus asked, coming into the room with two mugs.
Harry grinned and gratefully grabbed one as Remus sat down in between Harry and Sirius.
"What about me?" Sirius pouted.
"None for you. Chocolate is bad for dogs," Remus pointed out.
Sirius gasped and his eyes widened. "You're not giving me ANY?"
"None," Remus confirmed.
Harry finally burst out laughing. "Moony Da! Just tell him!"
"Tell him what?" Remus asked, feigning confusion.
Harry shook his head. "Dadfoot. Look to your right."
Sirius turned his head to the right and there was a mug floating in the air, waiting for him. Sirius' face lit up and he eagerly sipped the hot chocolate.
"Harry! It's so much fun torturing him!" Remus teased.
"It's your hot chocolate, though! No one should have to miss out on it!"
Remus smiled at Harry warmly and kissed his head. "You are so kind; thank you, Love."
Harry smiled and sipped his own hot chocolate.
The three boys stayed there for a while, drinking their hot chocolate and talking about light subjects. Much later, Remus took Harry into bed and popped into Moony. "I'm staying with you tonight," Remus promised him before he transformed. "You're not alone. I've got you."
Harry gave Remus a grateful smile and pulled the covers up by him. "Goodnight, Moony. I love you."
Moony nuzzled Harry's leg and Harry smiled. All might not be good, but this moment certainly was.
Harry stayed in the Marauder Quarters with Remus and Sirius the next day. Remus made sure Harry was doing okay and was in decent spirits. They went to dinner in the Great Hall and after dinner, Harry decided he was ready to talk to Albus.
"Harry, are you sure?" Remus asked him, his eyes worried.
"I'm sure, Moony Da. I'm okay, really. I need to talk to him. I'll feel better after it."
Remus eyed him critically but relented. "Okay. If you're sure. I'm going to check in after, alright?"
"Of course, Healer Lupin. I wouldn't expect anything less," Harry said teasingly.
"Bugger," Remus teased him, ruffling his hair.
Harry ducked away and smirked at him before leaving the room.
Harry walked the halls quietly. Most of the students weren't there and Harry enjoyed the time to himself. He tried to gather his thoughts and keep his nerves to a minimum. When he got to the gargoyle it let him in, as usual. Dumbledore was waiting for him at the door.
"Harry, my boy. Please, come in."
Harry gave him a smile and made his way over to a comfortable chair. Dumbledore sat across from him and summoned some tea.
"Thank you," Harry said, grabbing a cup.
"It was nice to see you at dinner," Albus commented, sipping his own tea.
"Yeah, I'm glad I was there," Harry agreed quietly.
It was quiet before Albus spoke up. "Harry, are you doing better than last night?"
Harry sighed and nodded. He set down his cup and said, "Yeah I am. I wanted to talk to you about that."
Albus was expecting this and nodded with an encouraging smile.
"It was hard to see myself so young. Truthfully, it's difficult with any memory. It was still hard for you to see it. I mean, I know we've talked about it, but it's so hard. I dunno. I guess it's so.. Uh, how did Moony Da put it? Um, I'm so vulnerable. That's it! It's so vulnerable and scary. It's not fun."
Harry paused and blushed, looking away.
"Uh, sometimes when that happens, just like when I was little, I forget where I'm at. It's scary. Moony Da really helps me with that and so does Dadfoot. I didn't mean to worry you or mess anything up. I just wanted to explain and uh, hopefully see how you are."
"Harry," Albus smiled warmly. "First of all, I want to remind you that I love you. I'm glad you're here. There's nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. I don't judge and even if I did, there's nothing to judge you about. You are doing a tremendous job and I am very impressed by you." Albus paused and took a breath. "In regards to the memory, I am always surprised by my disgust and the mistreatment you suffered. I can only say that I am so sorry and wish I took action sooner."
Harry nodded and shrugged. He made peace with what had happened and he's glad he has his Dadfoot and Moony Da.
"Did your parents help last night?" Albus asked.
"Yeah, they did. They were real great and helpful today, too. I'm doing better."
"Good. That's all that matters. How can I help you feel better?"
Harry shrugged again. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay with everything, y'know? It's a lot. I'm a lot," Harry added.
Albus was quiet trying to think of how to respond. "You are, Harry James, a lot of fire. You have fire and spirit. You are a lot of many good things all rolled together. You are not, contrary to your belief, too much."
While Harry didn't say that, he certainly believed it and wasn't going to argue with his headmaster.
Albus continued. "Harry, I have lived a life with many peaks and valleys. I have the choice to decide who I am around and what I do because of who I am. I am not the perfect image many give me, but I am quite the wizard," Albus smiled and Harry nodded, agreeing.
"I am under no obligation to spend extra time with you. My legal responsibility starts and ends as your headmaster. But Harry, you are my grandson. I choose you. I want to be with you. You are everything to me. I love to be with you. I love you."
Harry didn't know how to handle the overwhelming gratitude and love he felt so he leaned forward and hugged the older wizard.
"I love you, Grandda."
"I love you too, Harry," Albus murmured, running his fingers through Harry's hair.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
(If you would like a particular country listed, feel free to comment or dm me)