Author's Note: TW: anxiety, disassociation.
I took liberty with OWLs and how they are scheduled.
Wow. This chapter marks 300k words (not including AN and footnotes). Thanks for going on this journey with me. You are amazing. I am so glad you are here! Let me know what you think about this chapter. You are loved!
This chapter summary: OWLs arrive and so does a special guest.
Previous Chapter summary: OWLs are getting nearer. The DA has its last meeting of the year and discusses if there will be more next year. Hermione has a panic attack and Harry feels guilty about wanting to feel safe.
OWLS are here.
Hermione stayed with McGonagall and will stay with her until exams are over. Minerva ensured that she was taking care of herself, which helped Hermione tremendously, as well as annoyed her.
"I mean, seriously guys. She didn't let me read chapter 19! Can you believe it?" Hermione huffed at breakfast.
"Hermione, you've read that chapter three times already. And that's just in the past month," Ron said.
"But what if I missed something!"
"Hermione, you are going to do great. Take a breath," Harry reminded her.
Hermione took a deep breath and nodded. "You're right, Harry. Thanks. You sounded like your dad for a minute there."
Harry blushed.
"Speaking of which," Hermione continued. "I'm surprised I haven't seen them. Where are they?"
"Right here," A voice said, coming up behind Harry and Hermione. They both turned their head and Ron smiled from across the table.
"Good morning, Professor Lupin," Harry said, leaning over to hug his dad.
"Morning, Harry. How'd you sleep?"
Harry shrugged and averted his eyes to his plate.
Remus pursed his lips but didn't say anything. He didn't want to embarrass Harry and it wasn't a critical situation. "Take care of yourself, okay? I know you're going to do great today," Remus said, smiling.
"Thanks, Professor," Harry said, giving him a nervous smile.
"Eat a bit more. You too, Hermione. If you don't I think Professor McGonagall will come down here herself," Remus said.
While he said it in a joking tone, all of their eyes shifted to the head table where Minerva was sitting. She was watching them with a raised eyebrow. Her head shifted to her plate as she stared at Hermione, and Hermione gave a nod, understanding.
"She's quite overprotective," Remus chuckled, shaking his head. "I'll get to the head table now. Eat, okay?"
Hermione and Harry nodded and went back to their plates, trying to work up an appetite.
"Do ya like living with McGonagall?" Ron asked, having another piece of bacon.
Hermione nodded, pushing some hair behind her ear. "It's been nice. As I said, I haven't been able to do everything I want to do, but she cares, and that is so nice."
Harry nodded, understanding. Having people care was such a big change for him when he was young.
"Come on, Harry. Eat something," Hermione said, taking a bite of her own.
Harry nodded and took a bite.
At the head table, Remus, Sirius, and Minerva all smiled at each other. "At least they have each other," Sirius said.
"Thank goodness," Minerva said.
After breakfast, students were ushered out of the Great Hall so they could get ready for the OWLs. Most of the 5th years stayed near the entrance to study. Hermione was brought to Minerva and stayed with her somewhere else. Remus was with the 5th years and calming several of them down. Harry wanted nothing more than to pull his dad aside, but he knew he had to share him. Besides, he had Remus all the time. The other kids deserved a chance, too.
However, Harry's panic was winning out over his logic. He slowly became more catatonic. However, before he could get too far, he felt familiar hands guide him away from the crowd and to the side.
"Hey, Love."
Harry blinked and looked up. "Dadfoot?"
"Are you asking if it's me?" Sirius teased him.
"You have a class to teach," Harry pointed out.
Sirius waved his hand. "I left Fred and George in charge."
"You did WHAT?" Harry asked.
Sirius had cast a silencing charm, so he wasn't worried about the noise. He just laughed. "They are going to take it seriously. I told them it was for you, and they agreed."
Harry calmed down a bit. "Yeah, they are like big brothers."
"And good ones," Sirius reminded him.
"But what are you doing here?" Harry asked, getting back to the point at hand.
"Harry," Sirius began, much softer than he was talking before. "I wasn't about to let you go into your first OWL without a hug."
Harry's breath caught in his throat, and he threw himself at Sirius.
"Pup?" Sirius said, a bit taken aback by the force Harry had. Harry didn't say anything, just hugged Sirius tight.
"I'm here. I've got you," Sirius murmured, wandlessly and wordlessly casting a few more privacy charms.
Sirius held tight to his son and eventually started murmuring some affirmations. "You're going to do spectacular, Pup. I believe in you. No matter what happens, I am proud of you."
Remus watched his husband and son from the corner of his eye and saw how they magically disappeared from view. He eventually made his way over there and stepped into the protective bubble Sirius had formed.
By that time, Harry had pulled away from Sirius and Sirius was talking kindly to Harry.
"What's going on here?" Remus asked.
"It's fine, Moony Da," Harry quickly said.
Remus raised his eyebrow at Harry's slip. "Why don't you let me decide that."
Harry realized what he said now and blushed.
"He's worried about the exam," Sirius said.
"That makes sense. There's no reason to be ashamed of that," Remus reminded Harry, bending down.
"I'm not! I just wanted my dad. Dadfoot came, and I wasn't expecting that, and it's been a huge help. You have so many students to help, and I didn't want to-" Harry stopped and sighed.
"C'mere," Remus said, pulling Harry close.
"You will forever and always be my first priority. I'm here for you, always."
Harry pulled Sirius into the hug and actually smiled with his two favorite people near him.
"Thank you," Harry said simply.
"Of course," Sirius said, eventually pulling away.
"We love you," Remus reminded him.
Harry took a deep breath. "And even if I get a T and Mum rolls over in her grave you'll still love me?"
"We'll throw a T is for tremendous party," Sirius said, smiling.
Harry chuckled and gave them another quick hug. "Okay, I can do this."
"You're going to do wonderful. We love you and are so proud of you," Sirius reminded him.
Harry smiled at him and Sirius canceled the charms and went back to his class as Remus and Harry walked into the Great Hall.
It was time for the Charms OWL.
Remus, Flitwick, and Dumbledore were all in the Great Hall along with members of the ministry for the written exam.
Flitwick and members of the ministry were in the back for the practical.
It was challenging, but Harry felt pretty good about his chances of getting an E.
He didn't have much time to recover because he was able to eat lunch and then go into his Herbology OWL. He wasn't as confident on this one but still hoped for an E.
When that one was over, someone (who wasn't a fifth year. Harry was pretty sure it was Katie Bell) helped him to the Marauder Quarters where he quickly passed out and awoke a bit after dinner time.
Harry groggily walked into the kitchen.
Remus remembered how Harry did not feel instant relief when finishing an exam, so he didn't want to make it worse by making a big deal out of it. He warned Sirius of this ahead of time.
"There's our boy," Remus smiled. "Come sit. I made some soup."
Harry sat down and drank the water in front of him.
"How do you feel?" Sirius asked.
"Like I got run over by a Hippogriff," Harry said in between sips. "And today was only two."
Remus placed a bowl in front of Harry and sat down. "Luckily you don't have any tomorrow morning. What do you have in the afternoon? Arithmancy?"
Harry gulped a spoonful of soup and nodded. "Yeah. And then the next day I have Ancient Runes and Care of Magical Creatures. Then the next day I, uh, I don't remember?"
"Eat your soup, love; we've got you."
Harry nodded as he was too tired to think.
Remus and Sirius kept the conversation simple and light, but near the end of the soup, Remus said, "Harry, I'm going to ask this, and then I'll leave it be. Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"
Harry smiled gratefully at his therapist. He knew Remus was holding back from being overbearing and appreciated how thoughtful he's been with the whole situation.
"I'm safe, Moony Da. I'm just tired. I'm okay right now, thanks."
"Dadfoot and I are here if anything changes, okay?" Remus reminded him gently.
"Okay," Harry agreed.
Remus and Sirius stayed with Harry and helped him study a bit before helping him back to bed and making sure he closed his mind before drifting off. Exams are never easy, but they were thankful Harry was handling them as well as he could.
The next day, Harry slept in before waking up and getting ready for his next OWL. His evening looked pretty similar to the previous day. Wednesday was busy with two OWLs, but he knew he had gotten at least an E in Ancient Runes, probably an O, and he knew he got an O in Magical Creatures. Hagrid basically told him, anyway.
On Thursday, he woke up in time for breakfast in the Great Hall. This worried Remus, as Harry needed the sleep, but he knew it was probably stress.
Harry was surprised at breakfast when someone stood behind him and said, "Guess."
Harry gasped and his eyes shot open. "Auntie Marlene?!" Harry quickly turned around with the biggest smile of the week.
"Hi, Kit!" Marlene said, grinning.
Harry quickly stood up and hugged her. "What're you doing here?"
"Defense OWL. Aren't you taking it today?"
Harry looked around and saw that most people weren't at breakfast so he lowered his voice and said, "We talked about me taking it later with some other classes because, I uh, hand some other things to focus on."
Marlene nodded in understanding. "That makes sense. If you change your mind, I'm sure you'll do great."
"Are you going to be in there?"
"The whole time," Marlene promised with a smile.
"I'll take it then."
"Are you sure?" Marlene asked, wanting Harry to be sure.
"Yeah. This is the OWL I'm least worried about. I know I'm good."
Marlene had to agree. "I'm the fun aunt. I'm not stopping you."
"Auntie Marls," Harry said, rolling his eyes.
"Hey, I'll let your parents know if you want to grab a piece of toast and make a run for it before they lecture you."
"Oh, Auntie Marlene, you're the best!" Harry gushed, giving her a quick hug before grabbing a piece of toast and hurrying out- Ron and Hermione on his tail.
Marlene chuckled and shook her head, heading up to the head table where Sirius and Remus were already watching her with interest.
"Marlene McKinnon. As I live and breathe," Sirius said dramatically.
Marlene rolled her eyes but hugged him. "Hi, Sirius. Hi, Remus."
"What are you doing here?" Remus asked, getting her a chair.
"Defense OWL. They wanted some ministry people to help out and I volunteered."
"Because you missed me!" Sirius cried.
"Not you, you mutt. Harry."
"Well, boo," Sirius pouted.
Marlene laughed and Remus rolled his eyes.
"Harry is fun to be around, that's for sure," Sirius agreed.
"Yes. It was nice to see him this morning," Marlene said.
Remus stared at Marlene for a minute and narrowed his eyes. "What is it?" Remus asked pointedly.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Marlene said, turning her attention to the food in front of her.
"Marlen McKinnon. I read people for a living. What is it?"
Sirius looked back and forth between them like he was watching a tennis match with an intrigued look on his face.
"It's nothing. I don't even know anything for sure," Marlene waved them off.
"Uh uh. Tell me," Remus said.
Marlene shook her head, filling her mouth with a bite of toast with jam.
Remus leaned in. "Marlene, I know how to get secrets out of you."
Marlene's eye widened, knowing it was true. Remus' skills as a therapist coupled with knowing Marlene for over two decades was a dangerous combination.
Sirius was so giddy at this point he clapped. "Ooh!" He squealed.
Remus was too into getting the secret out of Marlene and Marlene was too busy trying to figure out how to get out of this.
Inspiration dawned on Marlene as Filius sat down next to her.
"Professor Flitwick. It's good to see you."
"You too, Ms. McKinnon."
"Professor, I don't think you ever heard what charm Remus, Sirius, and James used to cancel classes for a week in our fourth year," she smirked.
"I don't believe I did," Filius said, leaning over and raising his eyebrow at two of his former students.
Sirius' excitement vanished and was replaced with terror.
Remus' face closed up and he sent Marlene a scathing glare. "Sirius and I have to go prepare for our mornings. We'll talk about this later," Remus said, dragging Sirius out of the Great Hall.
Marlene laughed as they walked away and bit into a piece of bacon, proud of her victory.
"All these years later, they still avoid anything related to that incident," Filius commented.
"Professor, there are some things that they never want to talk about. It's rather funny teasing them."
"I would just like to know how advanced this spell was that they did as fourth years that stumped us for a week until it let up!"
Marlene laughed. "Professor, I don't know if they'll ever reveal that."
Filius shrugged but was deep in thought. Marlene checked the clock and said, "I've got to go. Good to see you, Professor."
Marlene hurried away and met up with some ministry officials in another classroom.
Harry, in the meantime, was able to grab what he needed without going near his parents. He managed to avoid them and McGonagall and was able to slide into the Defense OWL.
Marlene gave him a sly thumbs up when she caught his eye and Harry smiled at the support she was giving him.
Harry finished the written portion quickly. He wasn't the first one, those were students who didn't know the answers, but he was one of the quickest ones for the students that did know the answers. He didn't have to wait long for the practical, where his evaluators were waiting.
Harry saw Marlene, Schoutz, and two other ministry officials.
"Mr. Potter," a witch said, looking up from her clipboard. "This is your practical Defense Against the Dark Arts Ordinary Wizarding Level. Are you ready to begin?"
"Yes, ma'am," Harry replied with a nod.
"Please begin by disarming the dummy over there," she said, nodding her head.
Harry held back a smile at how similar the dummy looked to the one they used in the DA.
"Expeliarmous!" Harry cried, easily disarming the dummy.
They all wrote something down and then a wizard posed the next question.
The requests got progressively harder, of course. They continued with requests that went on through seventh-year material, all of which Harry had done with relative ease.
Eventually, they ran out of questions for Harry and a wizard from the ministry spoke up.
"Is it true you can produce a corporeal patronus?"
"Yes!" Marlene quickly said.
All of the evaluators turned to look at Marlene who said, "Oh, I don't know if he can. I was just agreeing with that question. Like, yes! Great question!"
Schoutz and the witch who first talked didn't seem convinced, but everyone else was.
Harry smiled and said, "Yes, I can."
"Please, show us."
Harry nodded and smiled again. He held his wand out and said, "Expecto Patronum!"
Instantly, a bright stag came leaping out of his wand. In true Prongs fashion, the stag pranced around and went to the evaluators, nuzzling them and showing off.
Harry beamed at the sight and silently thanked his dad, where ever he was. He knew that Prongs is helping him out right now.
Marlene had seen Harry's Patronus several times before, but never quite so pompous. Her eyes filled with tears, remembering a rather pompous, glasses-clad, black-haired boy.
While Harry struggles with his mental health, including depression, he's been able to cast a Patronus ever since his third year. Even if the present and future don't look bright, Harry has several happy moments in his past and they always help fuel it for him.
"Spectacular, Mr. Potter."
"Splendid."
"Well done!"
"Impressive, Mr. Potter."
"A stag! How unique!"
Marlene didn't dare speak, but her eyes which were full of tears said more than any words could to Harry.
Eventually, Harry reigned Prongs back in and the Patronus disappeared.
"That concludes your Defense Against the Dark Arts Practical. You will receive your results by OWL during the summer. You are dismissed."
Harry thanked the evaluators and once he reached the hallway, he released a breath he was holding. He was thankful that there was another one done.
Harry leaned against a hallway and was going to slide down it, but arms were quickly wrapped around him.
"I am so proud of you!" Marlene said.
"Thank you," Harry whispered, needing the hug much more than he thought.
After a few moments, reality struck. "Auntie Mar? Aren't you supposed to be helping?"
"I said I had to use the loo. I just wanted to tell you that you did such a fantastic job and that I love you."
"I love you too, Auntie Marlene," Harry said, squeezing harder.
When they finally pulled apart, Marlene asked, "Did your parents ever find out you were taking the OWL this morning?"
"Nope. But I wouldn't be surprised if dad used the map and found out."
"Which one?"
"Honestly, either," Harry replied truthfully.
Marlene chuckled and nodded. "I've got your back, kiddo." She checked her watch and then put her hand on Harry's shoulder. "Hey, I've got to get back. I love you. Stay safe and I'll see you after, alright?"
"Okay, Auntie Mar. Thanks so much."
Marlene gave Harry a warm smile and then turned around to head back to her job as Harry slid down the wall to take a moment to himself. He quickly disassociated, just overwhelmed from the whole morning. He wasn't in a panic attack or anything, but he had a lot going on that morning and it was his brain's way of helping him stay regulated.
Harry must've disassociated longer than he ever intended to because eventually, a body sat down next to him.
"Harry? Harry?" They asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Harry blinked and turned to the noise. "Oh, hey Draco. How was the OWL for you?"
"Good. I think it went well," Draco replied, giving Harry a weary smile.
"You look pretty good," Harry commented. Draco looked a bit tired and weary, but healthy and stable, which most 5th years were not at the moment.
Draco chuckled. "Yeah, Uncle Sev has kept me on a strict schedule. He wanted to make sure I was going to take care of myself right now. It was really helpful."
"Yeah," Harry said quietly, clearly zoning out again.
"Harry? Are you alright?" Draco asked kindly.
"What? Oh, uh, yeah. I think my brain is just trying to process is all," Harry blushed.
"Come with me," Draco said, standing up and helping Harry up.
"Draco, I'm not really up for conversation right now," Harry admitted, following his friend.
Draco held back a sigh. "I'm not going to make you talk to me or anyone else. Just trust me."
Harry continued to follow Draco and was led to the room that Harry took Draco to months ago.
"If you're going to disassociate to process some things and get away from stimuli, that's great. I just want you to do it in a safe spot. I'll take time for myself, too. We don't have to talk, but we don't have to be alone or with our uncles, either. I just want you safe."
"Thanks, Draco. You're a good friend," Harry said, smiling.
"You are too. Now, do what you have to do."
Harry smiled at how direct Draco was and appreciated it. Harry found a spot on the couch and Draco sat in a chair.
Harry quickly disassociated and was able to process everything that happened to him. He also daydreamed and rested. He was thankful to take time for himself and remove himself from all the stimuli around him.
About an hour later, Harry was ready to once again join the present and found Draco reading a book. "Thanks, Draco."
"Of course," Draco said, shutting his book. "How're you feeling?"
"Better. I just needed to decompress and stuff. Thanks for not pressuring me about it."
"I know you have people to talk to and you weren't in any sort of harmful situation. Speaking of which, how are you doing?"
"'M okay. The end of school has been a lot, but you know that."
Draco nodded in agreement. 5th year was rough.
"I haven't hurt myself or anything, though, and Moony Da has been great."
"That's awesome, mate."
"How are you?"
"I'm good. I think the school year ended pretty well. I'll be staying with Uncle Sev over the summer. I know we'll be here for part of the summer, but I don't know if we're going to go anywhere else."
"Are you happy to be staying with him?"
"Oh, yeah! I'm sure it'll be great. Uncle Sev does care and I'll probably have more fun than I did since I was five."
Draco had a joking tone, but Harry could tell there was trauma underneath his tone.
Harry didn't say anything, but Draco knew what he was thinking. "I'm working through it, Harry. I'm all good."
Harry held his hands up in surrender and gave Draco a smile.
"C'mon, we both need to get back to our overbearing uncles," Draco said.
"Yeah, they'll send out a search party," Harry agreed.
Draco dropped Harry off first, and Remus and Sirius were in the sitting room, rather obviously waiting for him.
"Harry! Where have you been?" Sirius asked, getting up.
"I'm sure you know," Harry pointed out with more than a little bit of sass.
"Sirius. Harry," Remus said tiredly.
Harry sighed and said, "I took my defense OWL. Auntie Marls was there. I think it went really well. I have to show you the memory for part of the practical. It was so cool!"
Sirius softened and he beamed. "I'm proud of you, Pup. C'mere," Sirius said, hugging Harry.
"And are you doing okay? I know we didn't plan on this until later," Remus asked, worried.
"I'm good, Moony Da. I took some time after with Draco. I disassociated a bit but also daydreamed."
Remus knows that Harry, and others, will disassociate to remove themselves from a traumatic situation or a situation that triggers him, so that worried him.
"Did something happen during the exam?"
Harry shook his head. "No, I just needed to process some things. Really, I'm okay."
"If you say so, but we'll be meeting on Tuesday, okay?" Remus asked.
"Okay, Moony Da," Harry agreed. He didn't have an official session this week due to OWLs but he did have Remus checking in with him.
"I'm going to rest some until Auntie Marlene comes, okay?"
"Of course, Pup," Sirius said.
Harry gave both of his godparents a hug and then retreated to his bedroom for a much-needed rest.
Harry ended up falling asleep and when he woke up he heard Marlene's voice in the sitting room. He smiled to himself and rolled out of bed to see her.
Marlene saw Harry as soon as he shut his door. "There's my little defense prodigy!" She exclaimed, standing up to give him a hug.
"Thanks again, Auntie Mar."
"Psh, it was literally my job. I'm glad I got to be there."
"Marlene was just telling us how impressive you were," Remus said, smiling.
Harry blushed and shrugged. "I've done harder things in my defense lessons with you all."
Marlene's jaw dropped. "You've done harder things?"
Harry's blush deepened and he looked away.
"What have you been teaching him?" Marlene asked Sirius and Remus.
"They're not the only ones. Professor Dumbledore has taught me, too."
"ALBUS?!" Marlene said, standing up. "How is he still standing?" She hissed to Sirius and Remus.
"Marlene, we promise he's safe. We work on some auror stuff with him. Albus does that but does his own thing, too. Harry's dueled all of us."
"And I'm so close to beating all of you. I think next year I'll have it," Harry grinned wickedly.
Marlene laughed. "I have no doubt, kit. Wow. Why didn't you show us?"
"I mean, I did everything you asked me to and I knew I was doing seventh year stuff at the end. Besides, it's good to have some skills that the ministry doesn't know about."
Marlene grinned. "Moody would be proud."
Sirius barked a laugh. "He sure would."
"But seriously, you two, you have to see the memory of Harry's Patronus. Best part of my month."
"It's cool, but we've seen Prongs before," Sirius reminded Marlene.
"Not like this. Trust me," She said.
"Well, I have a Pensieve in my office. Want to go?" Remus offered
"Hell yeah!" Marlene said.
"You okay with this, Cub?" Remus asked.
"Yeah. I think you'll really like it," Harry said, giving them a smile.
"Let's go!" Sirius said.
They flooed to Remus' office and Remus gently extracted Harry's memory while Marlene looked around.
"Gosh, Remus. I forgot how cozy your office is."
"It's a lot less cozy when you are talking about your childhood trauma," Harry said dryly.
Everyone stared at him and Harry just laughed."It's a joke. Merlin, relax."
Marlene rolled her eyes and Sirius just gave him a concerned look. Remus eyed him, clearly analyzing him.
"Ugh! It was just a joke. Moony Da's office is great. Anyway, can we get to the memory?"
The adults slowly turned away from Harry which was a great relief to him.
"Do you want to join us, Harry?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, I'll see Prongs again," Harry answered, smiling.
Remus, Sirius, Marlene, and Harry all leaned into the Pensieve.
Remus and Sirius eagerly watched the memory and Marlene just smiled with pride.
Sirius and Remus both gasped when Prongs appeared.
"Merlin," Remus breathed, enraptured by the Patronus.
Sirius' eyes welled up with tears.
When they finally pulled out of the memory, Remus and Sirius both hugged Harry.
"That was… Prongs," Sirius finally said.
"Yeah," Harry said, choked up.
"Did you do anything differently? At all?" Remus asked, thinking about it from an intellectual point of view.
Harry shook his head. "Nope. I just think it was my dad looking out for me."
"I'm sure it was. Both your mum and dad are so proud of you," Remus confirmed, hugging Harry.
"All three of my dads?" Harry asked meekly.
"All three of them," Remus said warmly at the same time Sirius said, "Abso-bloody-lutely!"
Harry chuckled at how their responses perfectly fit their personalities.
"Merlin, I love you all."
"We love you too, Harry. And so does Prongs," Remus said.
The cocky stag was a proud memory for Harry. While he knew that he would be a stag, he knew that he wasn't James and that is okay. His parents didn't want him to be James. They wanted him to be Harry. Harry was still glad, however, that he could bring them some joy. In times like these, it's important to have a light. Keep that light burning. It's a powerful thing.
Alternatives to harming yourself:
1. Talk to someone you care about and/or trust
2. Exercise
3. Get outside and get some fresh air
4. Have a warm beverage
5. Write something down
6. Go to therapy/ contact your therapist
7. Be with your pet or another animal
8. Take a nap
9. Play or fiddle with a fidget
10. Do something artistic (draw, paint, use clay, play-doh, fingerpaint, etc)
11. Play a game
12. Bake or cook something you like to eat
13. Mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation (variety of strategies including naming something of each color of the rainbow, 5, 4, 3, 2,1 with your senses, box breathing, rainbow breathing, 5 finger breathing, etc)
14. Listen to music
15. Ice cubes (hold them, put them where you want to harm yourself)
Suicide Hotlines:
USA: 988 (press 1 for veterans)
Canada: 1 (833) 456 4566
France: 0145394000
Italy: 800860022
UK: 0800 689 5652
Brazil: 188
India: 9999 666 555
(If you would like a particular country listed, feel free to comment or dm me)