Those past three months had been altogether the longest and the shortest of my near thirty years of life. The longest, because in fear of Vader's coming, every single second lasted like a thousand. This impending doom floated above my head like a death sentence, its presence never forgotten, interfering in my thoughts and my ideas. I was thankful for Galen's hands that sometimes shook my shoulders to get my attention back to the point.
The shortest, because I couldn't help but feel I would never be ready. The pressure upon our team to present our work under its best light was sick a joke! To them, meeting Vader was akin to meeting a God. The second in command of the Galactic's empire, the Empereror's ear and eyes, the perfect opportunity to shine and climb the ladder. Fools, all of them !
I didn't have enough wisdom to realise I might have been in the same frame of mind had Galen not showed up. Or rather, I refused to accept it, because it threw my naivety and stupidity back in my face.
Countless hours were spent planning, plotting, or meditating in my quarters. There was a special indentation in my mattress where Galen used to sit, now. He was, after all, a heavy man. Many times, I fell asleep by his side after a good dose or coral, or booze, or both. Most days, he left without a noise. But sometimes, I found him asleep beside me, entirely clothed, his steady breath lulling me into a relaxed state. Those mornings, I studied his face, wondering how such a peaceful expression could rest upon such a busy mind.
Did he wear a mask, even at night? I doubted it. But I enjoyed this unguarded moment where I could get a glimpse of the human being. Is that the man that Lyra had met, long ago? Fallen in love with? Our growing proximity frightened me; what would occur if my dream came true? How would I go on without his sturdy presence by my side? Galen was my anchor, my rock, the steady rhythm that kept my heart beating, the arm that led me.
Today, no one was there when I opened my eyes. Albeit I had once more fallen asleep curled beside my colleague deep in the night, Galen Erso had retreated to his quarters to prepare for battle.
I donned my full uniform, tying my long, reddish hair in a tight braid, not a strand aside. The epitome of control. Today was the day. Like an automat, I grabbed caff at the mess. Pastries, eggs and proteins watched me in the eye, but the very idea to absorb anything non-liquid sent my stomach lurching.
My feet took me to the lab where people were already buzzing around; a busy hive. I made my round around my colleagues, checking that all settings were in place for this afternoon's demonstration. Surprisingly, Sahali didn't even try to goad me today; I could see from the lines upon his forehead that he was as stressed out as the others. So I left him to his fine-tuning, and walked to our newest addition for a much needed "pat in the back" discourse.
The young female chiss – blue skin - had replaced Korwin… and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Her great glowing red eyes watched me, fearful, as I told her it would be all right; she drew strength from me, and I donned my 'second in command' persona. Poor girl, all excited to join the best science team in the empire, only to fall in our clutches. Led by people who attempted to sabotage it all, and might even accept her death as a necessary casualty of war. How far I had gone from the eager Elya who would have licked Krennic's boots to work here.
As I made my way back, Dr Gubacher attacked me with a tricky question about the alpha parameter, and I nodded gratefully. Kicking my brain into research mode would distract it long enough. So I retreated to the main table and dove into my datapad to forget the twists of my upset stomach.
I typed in: Equilibrium of trajectories – alpha parameter determination – equations of behaviour vs medium.
As memories of impossible calculations resurfaced, a bowl of Meiloorun fruits landed beside me. My guilty pleasure, only acquired through the black market.
"Eat," came Galen's command.
Eyes wide as saucers, I lifted my head to find Dr Erso, clad in his uniform, watching the lab with that intensity that sometimes sent my mind reeling. He bore the restrictive garment with ease, and I swore I caught a glimpse of his former self, working in Coruscant five years ago. He looked … at ease, and powerful. Trapped, as well. There was pride in his stance, and when his eyes caught mine, I gasped. There was no doubt he had fulfilled his part of the plan and planted that holocron in my fresher.
And I could read it as easily as if he wrote it on our notepad of communication; the acceptance that, should he die, I would be able to take over. I regretted, at once, not to have spoken about my dream. I feared his reaction, feared he might see me like a child afraid to lose another authority figure. And what more could I say? There was no better solution than what we had devised together.
Yet… I wasn't ready to let go. Would never be ready to watch him die.
"Elya ?" Galen's low voice shook me out of my misery, and I decided to get a grip on myself. It was a nightmare. Just a fucking, too realistic nightmare. So I gave Dr Erso a smile, and started eating the fruit that used to erase all the hurts of the world. And despite the pressure, the familiar taste gradually diffused its soothing memories over my overtensed body.
If I wanted to survive Vader's coming, I needed to concentrate. Erase from my mind all thoughts pertaining to the Force, and the Sith. Lord Vader was a counsellor of the Emperor, second in command and trusted servitors of the Galactic Empire.
I needed to think of Kybers, of testing, of pride in my achievements, and the honour to work beside a man like Galen Erso. At worst, I could always distract myself with my so-called feelings for the man; our 'affair' was a secret to no one. It would easily shelter me from other unsavoury thoughts of betrayal and such.
No! Elya, no!
Today, not a single thought about sabotage, or betrayal, or explosions. Discard fear, welcome pride, perseverance and numbers. Holograms and equations, quantic rules and satisfaction of a job well done. I needed to call forth those old principles that used to make me tick. Albeit I knew, today, that those so-called feelings were embryos of sensations at best, I still remembered what it felt to achieve and be praised.
It was less tiresome to become a scientist once more. To care about numbers, experiments, failure and success, to discard those deep-rooted emotions that were slowly, but surely taking hold of my life.
Should I blame Galen Erso for it? Probably. Did I resent him for this rollercoaster that overwhelmed me? Some days, yes. When Krennic brought me on Lah'mu, I expected to find a guide, a brilliant mind that would take me one step further into abstraction and greatness. Cold, calculating and outside the box. I had found, instead, a human being that made my soul vibrate… wrapped up in a genius. And it unsettled me; aside from pushing me in unconventional thinking, Galen had also taught me.
But not today. Today, I was Elya, protégée of Commander Krennic, brilliant sidekick to Dr Galen Erso. A man I respected, understood partially, and had an unhealthy attachment to. Period. I called upon the Kybers, breathing slowly, asking them to protect me, to lead me, to keep my concentration intact and my intellect sharp.
So, when Lord Vader appeared in the room – clad in black – following the much smaller Commander Krennic dressed in white, I didn't even crack a smile. They should have looked ridiculous, dressed like a set of chekers' pawns, but for hell, they didn't! Lord Vader's presence filled the room immediately, and all my colleagues froze. Suddenly, the lights seemed less bright, the air denser, the cold more intense. And in the back of my mind, I felt the Kybers's low hum become more erratic. I shut them out at once; I couldn't let Vader know I had created this connection.
His breathing through the mask, a long inhale, a slow exhale, sounded like a beat from the depths of Eadu. His mask covered his face entirely; there were no eyes to search for. And he moved so stiffly; his posture gave nothing away. He was like a statue demanding answers, just a presence, nothing human. Galen was the first to recover as he descended the steps where our table was set to meet him. I followed, body stiff, mind weary.
If…
No. No thinking, only concentrate on your task. My colleagues watched me with careful looks; envy, from Sahali who had lost the occasion, long ago, to shine. Pity from the most fearful ones. I allowed my mind to fill with pride; my climbing of ladder came from achievements. I directed the team; I had earned my place. So I nodded when Galen presented me to Lord Vader, struggling to push the intimidation away. I just needed to tap – a little – into those emotions simmering below the surface, and keep the rest in a tight leash. Vader didn't turn, but the slightest tilt of his helmet in my direction caused my heart to lurch. Did the man even see through his mask?
A warm, comforting hand landed on my shoulder, and I turned to meet Galen's mesmerising gaze.
"Elya has been a great help. Her mind is creative, and she is the one who keeps the team running."
Pshhhhhh, fffff. Those two sounds, repeated over and over again, threatening to make me mad.
"Good. Dr Erso. It seems that Commander's Krennic's choice helped you in your research."
His metallic voice shouldn't have been this disturbing; we worked with droids every day, after all. And Lord Vader wasn't the first man I met that used such a device. Yet, the sound was so profound, the man so tall – he dwarfed Krennic, and stood half a foot higher than Galen – , his presence so intimidating that the low, echoing voice caused me to shudder.
That's it, I was terrified. I quickly masked my terror by thinking about that alpha parameter. I would need to thank Dr Gubacher for it. Despite his weird blue skin and numerous tentacles, he often provided insight when I doubted.
I watched the men tour the lab from afar, as if underwater. Vader's presence was so overwhelming that I had to take deep breaths to ease up the knot forming in my sternum, claws reaching all around my ribcage to encase it. Mostly silent, Vador's breathing pattern echoed in the room as he took in our devices, tests and Kybers. The main one, a massive yellow crystal that resided under a transparisteel bubble, ran all the way down the level below.
Forgoing all sense, Sahali attempted to address him. The leather glove shot up, an imperious demand for silence. The old scientist pursed his lips, and said no more as he launched the hologram.
Our demonstration consisted in replaying a test performed three weeks prior; the energy emitted from our Kybers had literally blown out half an asteroid that innocently passed by. I had no doubt Krennic had omitted to mention that our very base of operations had blown in the process, killing three scientists as we failed to constrict the blast of energy. Vader, even though he didn't turn his head, addressed the Director with his deep, booming voice.
"Impressive. But we cannot afford to lose our operators every time the weapon is fired, Director."
My mentor tensed, probably wondering how Lord Vader had guessed what no one said. Did he pick up from my head? From another weaker mind in the lab? Perhaps the emperor had spies, just like Krennic placed his, in our midsts.
"Of course, Lord Vader," Krennic bowed. "We are only at the early stages of our research."
That possessive "our" felt sour; both Galen and I were prisoners, and the Director didn't participate an inch in our research except to put pressure on our shoulders. Damn, my thoughts were slipping again. To ground myself, I took a peek at Galen's face. A wave of fondness washed over me, giving me a much-needed breather. His eyes were focused, his gaze intense as he shut the hologram off, and turned to the Si … Lord Vader.
"We have had trouble experimenting, the crystals are unpredictable when charged over 65%. Hence our first idea to grow synthetic ones."
Vador's helmet slowly turned, and I knew that his attention was solely focused upon Galen because his influence seemed to dim upon my shoulders. How ? I ignored it, but that invisible pressure grew stronger around the dark figure.
Pshhhhhh, fffff.
The room, already silent, seemed to still. I trembled in my boots, wondering if the moment I feared had come, at last. The moment I lost my only friend to Vader's hand ? The Sith had yet to move, his whole bust still facing the massive Kyber while his non existent gaze bore holes into Galen. How could the genius sustain such crushing attention ? His mind truly was a work of art, reacting to the slightest of tilt in the air, yet able to handle what might have sent others to their knees.
Thoughts, Elya ! I chastised myself. Rein in your emotions. At last, Vader spoke, his profound voice echoing all the way into my tense body.
"That path is doomed, Dr Erso. There will never power in artificial crystals."
The tall, dark man returned to the transparisteel bubble. Something shifted in the lab. The very air seemed to crepitate and I had to bite my tongue not to reach for Galen's reassuring presence. Krennic assumed a nonchalant gait, but I could see how tense he was. Lord Vader dwarfed him, and I swore I saw his dark cape swirl about his legs.
The pressure became more acute in my chest, and I gasped, my hand flying to relieve its weight. Galen spared me a worried glance, my eyebrows knitted in anguish but my eyes returned to the Kyber. In the lab, many humans seemed uncomfortable, but none as much as I. My knees wobbled and I reached for the console to steady myself. Then, just as I was about to collapse, the pressure lifted, only to be replaced by an invisible wind that swirled around the crystal.
Little by little, I saw its brilliant yellows fade to orange … then, streaks of red started dancing within. Horrified, I watched the crystal bleed internally, long tendrils of crimson infusing the lattice, penetrating, changing its structure. I swore I even felt its screams, pleading for help. There was nothing I could do but witness the murder of my first companion on this moon. That Kyber had stood here before I was even transferred on Eadu.
Galen caught my eyes, his gaze horrified; Vader had forced the crystal to his will. Stalling was no longer an option, now. My dream returned full force, the fear of losing my only friend to such a powerful opponent grabbing my guts.
"Breathe, Elya," he murmured.
His command caused my chest to expand slightly as I struggled to push the fright away. The coils of my mind started running at once, considering the new possibilities of a tamed Kyber. But I couldn't… Vader was still here, his breaths too even for a human being. Too even for a man performing the impossible act of bleeding a Kyber. Yet, he did. Long inhale, slow exhale.
Pshhhhhh, pfffff.
Everything stopped at once. The lab returned to its standard coldness, the air stilling. The pressure … gone. Lord Vader slowly turned around, his tall frame dragging the long, heavy cape behind him. His attention fixed upon us, and dread pooled at the bottom of my stomach once more. To push the emotion away, I concentrated on quadratic calculations, to reassess the distance of focus.
"Dr Erso, you will find this crystal more willing to cooperate."
And Lord Vader watched us both, awaiting for a reaction. I bowed to him, voicing a "Thank you, my lord" almost inaudible. Galen kept his neutral expression, showing he was far gone into implications already.
"We are grateful, Lord Vader," he said smoothly.
I wondered what Galen had in mind when his face softened, his gaze warm when he caught mine. For a short moment, I contemplated those friendly eyes that pushed the dread away. For a scientist with very little people's skills, I always found amazing how his presence could soothe me. I let the affection I held for him permeate me; Vader would learn nothing new here. Whether through spies or through my mentor's meddling, he probably knew we were supposedly sleeping together.
My little bubble broke when Lord Vader strode to us, his dark presence looming. I broke eye contact with Galen to watch the mask; the soulless plates, meant for his eyes, stared back at me.
"Your progress is steady, but not good enough."
The threat was unmistakable. My heart clenched, pure fright flooding my system. Had I been a fighter, I might have fled. But I was just plain Elya, trained with the basics, yet unable to summon the courage to move my feet. My whole body was paralysed; who would pay for the failure? Me? Galen? Krennic? The three of us?
The sight of Galen, falling at my feet, choked to death flashed before my eyes. I blinked away in a panic, trying to erase the image from my mind before…
"Commander Krennic," echoed the soulless voice. "I want a demonstration on an inhabited planet for the Emperor's birthday, ten months from now. For your sake, and that of your apprentice, I hope it will be worth watching from his Star Destroyer."
Your apprentice… me? What a slip of the tongue !
Both Galen and Krennic blanched at the barely veiled threat against me. I, on the other hand, allowed relief settled in my chest. For that statement meant that Galen wasn't about to die today, and it was all that mattered to me.
We had made it.