Things were getting fuzzy those days. As if my ever-rolling brain was, for the first time of its life, overloading. Nights were spent either with Galen, either meditating. The more I practiced, the more I progressed. Visions now went both ways, or so I thought… It seemed that I had successfully opened some sort of route between my conscience and the Kybers. I wasn't too sure I actually knew how to close it, for I sometimes felt a presence in my mind.
But the process took its toll. While Galen slaved at strengthening his influence across teams, I remained locked I the lab, at night, watching crystals. Days, and days of concentration and very little sleep were slowly sapping my strength. I had valiantly ignored the few last times my legs wobbled, drinking more caff than was my usual habit. It made me irritable, and even less focused; I swear even Gubacher avoided me those days. Poor octopus… he fled temperamental women !
Get a grip, Elya !
This was the biggest, the most important and life-threatening project of my life. I couldn't mess it up. So when the numbers started swimming before my very eyes, I pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh. Perhaps I should accept to close my eyes for a few minutes… it might even ease up my rolling stomach. Too much caff, and not enough nourishment.
Damn… I knew I tended to decompensate badly after a heavy period of stress, but I usually held on until after the exams. Perhaps I wasn't solid enough for this job after all; being a scientist with sharp deadlines didn't hold a candle to plotting against the empire and Sith Lords. Suddenly, I felt like a child trying to play with the adults. Galen, Vader, Orson… they were of another generation, with more experience under their belt. I, little Elya, wasn't thirty yet and had not seen the war.
I always had ambition, but I wasn't cut to be a spy. What if I messed it all up ? A warm hand landed upon my back, startling me… awake ? "You are swaying on your feet, Elya."
I gazed at Galen stupidly, aware that some of our colleagues were observing our interaction from the charge cells. I frowned; he looked worried, but unable to form a consistent sentence. Until a black veil descended before my eyes, and I realized that the empty sensation that threatened to swallow me whole was a black out in coming.
"Shit !" Strong arms circled me as I struggled against the void that threatened to overtake me. I had never, ever, passed out in my life. Not even when that stupid droid missed my vein with the needle once. Today would not be the day I relented. Taking a deep breath, I pushed the odd sensation away; it settled in the pit of my stomach, but allowed the rest of my body to get under control.
Well… nearly, for I was actually scooped in Galen's arms in the middle of the lab. The urge to close my eyes and nestled against him was so strong… His scent surrounded my, that faint smell that always lingered in his clothes. How I wanted to bask in his warmth forever… I kicked myself, hard, to push him away. "Set me down", I whispered. The scientist gently sat me upon the stool, and I took my notebook, struggling to focus my eyes upon the writing. This swimming sensation was going to get old real fast.
Can't show the world our attachment.
This time, Galen snorted, scribbling over my words with his impossible writing.
Whatever, they already think we are sleeping together.
I frowned; why did he not abide by my rules ? Galen usually trusted me enough when it came to public relations. Rumours would go flying around after my little stunt. The news of Dr Erso in love was dangerous to both of us. It would give people ideas, especially if Krennic's spy was here.
Sleeping and caring are different.
Galen slammed the notebook close, and sent me a scalding look. "Not for me, and Krennic knows. Now take my arm, and I'll get you to the healing quarters." I was about to protest, but his hand had already circled my waist. And truth be told, I was getting dizzier by the minute. "You are sick, Elya. Don't go about contaminating the whole lab."
There was no other option but to relent, and I allowed Galen to lead me to the healing room where droids chased him away. I wasn't afforded time to ponder on how lonely I felt without his presence in this all-white room. Artifacts decorated it, and a bacta tank gently awaited to the side. I shuddered; my claustrophobia didn't like the idea of being trapped in that tube. Resting upon the plush chair, I almost fell asleep as the droids performed some tests.
The pre-diagnostic was easy enough; low blood pressure. Ashamed by my own weakness, I decided that enough prodding was enough, and swung my legs over the comfortable chair that called my name for a nap. This couldn't do, I wasn't some weakling !
The sound of a holocall coming through didn't register in my brain until Krennic's familiar features appeared in front of me, ten times bigger than in person. Who the hell had called him ? Stunned, I watched him as I rolled the sleeve of my blouse down. His icy blue eyes held suspicion as he took in my appearance, and I suddenly felt very exposed. So I stood, and clenched my teeth to get blood flowing all the way up.
"What happened, Elya ? The lab techs are pretty worried about you." The lab techs, right. I didn't believe a word of it. "It's nothing bad…"
"Elya's blood pressure is too low for vital functions to perform adequately, Director. Shall we extend the tests ?"
Stupid droid, speaking in my name !
"No!", I exclaimed. "I know what's wrong, it's those Kybers that keep me awake day and night. The whole base is having trouble sleeping, and the extra stress didn't help." That jab was aimed at Krennic, and he merely brushed it off. "Are you sure ?", he questioned, his eyes narrowing.
My chin lifted in defiance. "Positive." Krennic nodded and addressed the droid. "Make sure you give her something to sleep." Being talked about didn't feel nice, but now wasn't the time to display my irritability. As the droid left to another area, no doubt rummaging through his classified drawers to extract something that could, hopefully, knock me out for a few days, Krennic's attention returned to me.
"I count on you to inform the healing droid of any changes in your condition." My condition. A flickering though passed through, but didn't remain as I watched Krennic's cold eyes twinkle. "Take care of yourself, Elya, you are precious to me, and to this project." That smile wasn't too hard to summon; the struggle was to keep the sarcastic edge out of it. I steeled myself, keeping my head high to reestablish a little power in that unbalanced conversation.
"I will, Director." But the yawn that interrupted me broke the effect completely. Suddenly, I found this giant face peering down at me less unsettling as a fond smile illuminated it. "Take a few days. Sleep it off and get back as good as new."
And so I did. For once, I found that both Galen and Krennic seemed to converge on the solution. That substance the droid gave me was monstrously efficient. So badly, in fact, that I didn't even hear Galen burst into my room the next morning in a state of panic. The sleeping pills were keeping me under, he left more reassured after checking my pulse.
I had never slept so much in my life. Not even, as a kid, when I had caught that Kraga pox. And even after I returned to the lab, I found that I couldn't keep my eyes open after dinner; days were just too long. Needless to say that my sex life was rather inexistent, at least, at night. I had not realized how far I had gone in my exhaustion, bypassing all my limits. The fleeting idea of another type of condition was discarded easily enough; I dutifully took those contraceptive pills whenever… well. Then, the light bulb lit up in my brain.
I laughed at my own stupidity; of course ! Only the Jedi communicated with Kybers because they could appeal to the Force. But little Elya used all her meager strength to keep the flow open. My explanation left Galen skeptical, but I was quite sure to be in the right. What else could possibly drain my body so much ? I wasn't sick; no headache, no sore throat, no symptom else than this low blood pressure.
It simply had to be the Kybers… else…
Slowly, but surely, the routine resumed, albeit at a slower pace. I just couldn't sustain a more taxing rhythm, and Galen didn't push. My little fainting stunt had him pretty worried, and he now took care of me as if I was made of glass. Who knew the most brilliant scientist of the universe could be so gentle ? So caring ? So fucking overwhelming !
It unnerved me, and touched me all the same. Training my self defense skills wasn't an option; I was too weak. Too bad, it would have been the perfect release. Sometimes, my head kept swimming in too many threads and I had trouble keeping a stupid line of thoughts. Damn my body for letting me down me at the worst moment !
I was a failure.
At least, I thought I was. Until that day.
It should have been a morning like any other. Wipe the sleep from my eyes, kiss Galen's cheek, take a warm shower and adorn my uniform. It should have been that simple, truly. I would then return to shake my lover out of his daze – he had taken most of my evening workload - wherever his mind had gone to while I prepared myself for a day at work.
It should have, except that the moment my feet extended to touch the floor, a sudden wave of nausea overcame my senses. My legs couldn't carry me faster as I ran to the fresher and released the meager content of my stomach in the toilet. The violence of my heaves caused tears to leak from my eyes, and my stomach clenched painfully before the rolling eased. Pale like a sheet, trembling like a leaf, I rested my head on my upper arm.
Shit.
This was the much-dreaded confirmation of suspicions that had only brushed my mind. No fever. No symptom. Moods swings, fainting, low blood pressure and now… morning sickness. How had I been so fucking stupid ? Kybers, sure, aha ! Way to bury your head in the sand…
How could this even happen ? I who pried myself on being reasonable, and thorough in my use of contraception. Had I forgotten, somehow ? When ? That very first day, perhaps ? I just couldn't recall, and I wiped tears from my cheeks to sit on the floor.
This time, I didn't have to wake Galen as I heard his footsteps approaching. When he appeared at the door, bare chested, I couldn't even enjoy the view. My mind was in such a turmoil. He knelt by my side, oblivious of the horrid smell that permeated the room, and set his hand upon my forehead. Then his long fingers dragged a loose strand behind my ear, a tender gesture that brought me warmth. His eyes were boring holes into my face, and I closed my eyes an instant. Just to gather my wits before the world titled on its axis. Before…
Eventually, I managed to catch his eyes, and I could only marvel at the flecks of gold inside his beautiful hazel. Stardust. "Elya", he whispered. "Is that what I think it is ?" His short breath called me back to reality, and I knew he understood.
"We have a problem", I confirmed.
Then the world turned black.
I gently laid Elya on the bed, propping her against the wall. Then I watched her as her body tried to reach consciousness, still too shocked to win the battle. Better she took a few minutes to come around than wake up now and go in full mode panic. Seeing her puddle to the floor like a lifeless doll was an image I could do without.
Lyra's body had been warm, and supple in my arms as I held her. Dead. I shook my head, chasing that horrible memory away. Today, even though the circumstances were dire, we celebrated life. Not death. And Elya wasn't Lyra; I was going to protect her. To keep her alive no matter what, and that little life I had planted in her womb.
She was practical woman after all; she lied to Krennic, a master manipulator that had fooled me for years, without a single twitch. Lied to our colleagues without needing to retreat in the recesses of her mind, still smiling, still socialising even if her brain was so very different from them. The perfect counterbalance between adaptation to a foreign world and me.
Yet, there was one domain where she fell very, very short. Emotions. Elya had repressed any semblance of feelings for years now, keeping her goal in sight, dodging issues like one played a holochess game. She had slowly let me in, without even knowing how far I was gone in my affections, but still wary of that dependency. I knew how her body tensed, sometimes, when she thought me in danger of being discovered. Did she even know what she felt ? And now…
A baby.
To say that a baby would set all her senses on fire was an understatement. There wasn't any worst moment than now to bring another life into the world. So why did I feel so incredibly happy ? Even the guilt had lessened in light of this amazing, astonishing piece of news.
My hand gently brushed her damp strands aside, kissing her brow with a tenderness I had not used for years. Such a present… My thumb then travelled to her cheekbone – she twitched slightly at the contact – then caressed her jaw. What would he look like, this baby of ours ? I hoped he would take after his mother, she was so lovely. A radiant beauty in his grey world, her pale skin contrasting with the fire of her hair. Her lovely green eyes, sparkling with knowledge and sometimes, mischief. She was, to me, the most beautiful woman I'd ever set eyes upon.
My thoughts ran a mile a minute, raising concerns and issues faster than I was able to tackle them. What about Jyn ? What about Lyra ? What about the Death Star ? The escape ? How to continue working in the lab ? Hiding her pregnancy ?
Lots and lots of questions, all of them rolling in my head, threatening to take over. It all fell to shreds compared to the new hope that bloomed in my chest.
Trust the force, my love.
Lyra's voice still echoed in my mind. Had the Force chosen this moment to bestow its most sacred present in our lap ? A new life to care for and cherish ? Another soul that would trust me, and drag the scientist away to call forth the human being ? I remembered when Lyra had announced Jyn's venue, leaving me stunned. At the time, I had had no idea about what a child entailed. Lost in my research, mind firing a thousand of questions, I had found a rock in Lyra. She was happy, enthusiast, and had reassured me. With Jyn, I had learnt how demanding being a father was, but how rewarding as well. And I was looking forward to doing it again…
Now the odds had reversed. I was the older one, the one with experience. Elya would need me to keep her wits about. I would have to be the pillar Lyra had been, to shift priorities once again. The need to retrieve Jyn pulsated even stronger than before, to gather my family and protect them from harm. With a little luck, Lyra would help us from above. I hoped she wouldn't begrudge me for falling in love again. Knowing her, I didn't think she would.
Damn. How was I going to handle that on top of the rest ? Quite a burden on my shoulders, but one that promised such joy that it would drag me, willing and giddy, to the end.
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. I never give up my stories, but get pulles here and there with my inspiration. It shall be finished, though ! So dno't hesitate to boost my ego and leave a review !