I missed him. I missed our conversation, missed his casual touches. His gentle looks, the quirk of his lips when he smiled … those moments when he spoke of music – Which I knew next to nothing about – and the first synthesizer his mother brought home to broaden his mind. Missed him so much that I sometimes forgot to breathe. To see him, every single day in that blasted lab, without the possibility to reach out. I felt so cold inside without the warm gaze he usually addressed me.
Those gazes were very few now, we avoided eye contact as much as possible. We needed to play the part, needed to hold on. Sometimes, Galen sent me a smile when he was buried in his office; it was a little present, one I held on to fiercely. Scraps of our past affection, when I longed to sink in his arms and melt in his embrace.
In between morning sickness and that constant fatigue that wrecked my body, I would have sunk to my knees to beg for a hug. My everyday life was desolation … and that baby was responsible for it. For without it, I'd still have Galen in my bed. Sometimes, I really hated the piece of cells that had taken residence without asking for my opinion.
In my cold heart, I wondered what life would be like if it just … passed. We were prisoners, for sure, in the empire's hand. But I'd give anything to have Galen back; he was my world now. And the distance was killing me, creating ambivalent feelings that caused my guilt to flare. Yet, Galen's absence had carved a black hole into my chest. Was I strong enough to go through this, only for the sake of a human being I had not even met?
"That would be very inelegant, Orson."
My lover's smooth voice washed over me, even if he was careful not to turn towards me. His soothing tones were the last piece of him I could benefit from without sounding suspicious.
"But would it work?"
Krennic, nailing the issue. Cold blue eyes locked onto mine and my lips curled. The Director thought that he had cunningly found the clue Galen had buried in his hundred pages report, grasping at an easy solution that might solve our issues. And, proud as a peacock, he was forcing Galen to retreat.
I knew better.
Little did Orson know that he had, in fact, been baited into adopting that specific solution. I couldn't help but admire Galen, who had known at once that Krennic wouldn't buy his solutions except if he seemed reluctant, and disgusted by it. My lover was far better at playing people than I originally thought. Hence my smirk addressed to Krennic to make him believe he'd cornered his friend.
This was a dangerous game.
"As I wrote, the thermal exhaust port could vent the radiation particle build up to a level…"
My heart stopped, for an instant, wondering if Orson would buy it, or follow Galen's advice. I had directed the report myself under Galen's orders, spotting how he'd made that solution the easiest one to implement. An exhaust port that, if hit, might cause the reactor to overheat and level the Planet Killer – the Death Star – with a mighty blow up.
Good thing Vader wasn't here to pick on our brains. With this baby, and our plans of escape, and that major flaw embedded in the system, my mind was just too overloaded to protect itself.
"A level that you don't find acceptable", Krennic deadpanned. "I read your report."
I couldn't help but admire my former mentor; he was much more intelligent than people gave him credit for. If politics was his cup of tea, he still had the skills to follow our babble. Galen ground his teeth; the typical move of a man who knew his opinion would be overlooked. I was, officially, supposed to back Krennic up.
And so, Orson bent over the table with a smile that caused a ripple to run up my spine. Stupid moon. Ever since that baby had elected me as a mother, I kept shivering; Eadu's cold stole all my strength.
"You're over achieving again, Galen. And I need you to work on the collimator, not on defecting the thermal buildup."
The director's words were final, and Dr Erso left the office with a pissed expression on his face without turning back. While I stood carefully – my blood tended to rush down – Krennic levelled me with a dubious look. I froze, swallowing my fear.
He couldn't know, he didn't know.
This was what manipulators did; fish out information out of people out of silence. So I grabbed the datapad and made to exit his office.
"Elya." I froze, a genuine, open expression upon my face. "We need to talk."
The door whooshed close, leaving the two of us in an awkward tête à tête. That crease at the corner of his mouth told me he wasn't pleased with me in the least, and my inner self trembled with fright. What if he had found out?
Frightened, I plastered a fake smile upon my face. My knees trembled, and my stomach lurched. Yet, I didn't move an inch. Petrified.
An image of that last night's dream assaulted me … stupid me, I had been too afraid to keep the secret, running to Orson's safety instead. Hoping he would understand, and guide his protégée once more. Just like he had done in the past. But instead, his face had split into a cruel smile. Oh, sweet, naïve Elya, he'd said. That child will provide the perfect motivation for Galen to keep working. And shipped me away to another location, imprisoned me.
My daughter – a girl, really? – had been taken away, submitted to Orson's manipulative ways right under Galen's eye. Adding to his despair and suffering. And I lay discarded, unable to teach her, seeing her grow in Krennic's shadow … hating her, even, for her existence had doomed the galaxy. Tied up her father, pushing him to choose between his two daughters. Jyn was but a memory of his failure, and I watched him slave and whither. Defeated.
Orson Krennic stood in front of me, extracting me from my night terrors.
"Director?", I asked flatly.
"How the hell did you manage to mess up?" he asked, circling his desk to sit like an emperor upon a throne.
"I…" I allowed the sentence to linger, to make him believe I was being nervous because I, of course, knew what he was talking about. Fortunately, Orson took the bait.
"Galen is so easy to lead! How could you alienate him so badly that he won't even look your way anymore! Kriff, Elya, is it that difficult to keep a man happy?"
My temper flared, then, and I didn't try to restrain it because it would serve my purpose. If only Orson knew how happy we both were when Galen dissolved in my arms, when his body danced around mine, when I felt him melt in the mattress while I worked him to completion. The insult touched me, because his words made me feel like a whore, not a lover.
"He said I was too much like Lyra … too domineering," I spat.
Sweet revenge… Orson's features turned sour when he realised he had pushed me to mess up. But of course, the fault laid in my lap. "What the Sarlac, Elya! I didn't tell you to whip him !"
"I didn't!" I protested, breath short and rightful indignation fuelling my words. He would never know what I was hiding, and that emotion showed him I didn't master any of it. For an awful span of twenty minutes, Orson Krennic laid reproaches at my feet, harsh word raining down upon me just like it devastated Eadu's surface. And even though I knew all if it was just a ploy, I couldn't help but feel that constriction in my chest that protested at the unfairness of it all.
I tried not to cry. So hard that I bit my tongue until I drew blood. Damn hormones! Even if I knew Orson was using me to his purpose, shaping me like clay, I couldn't shake the feeling of anguish; I had disappointed him. His hold upon me was so great that I couldn't stand to hear it. When had he replaced my mother in that damn brain of mind? When would I be free of his influence?
"Elya ? Are you even listening to me?"
"I am sorry, Director. I was just trying to devise strategies to win Erso's favour back."
This seemed like the right thing to say, for my mentor nodded curtly. "See that you do. We can't afford the work to stall because of a lover's spat." The clipped words called forth my anger, but I tamed it easily. We were not lovers. Galen and I … we were much more than that. Future parents being on top of the list. If I could hide it just a little longer…
"Do you have any advice on how to gain his trust again?" This time, Orson sighed and passed a hand in his rapidly greying hair. His shoulders sank slightly, and I knew I was getting somewhere. "He's doing this to spurn me. You need to appeal to his compassion. Play the wounded kitten."
The rain assaulted his windows with such force that I wondered how one could even escape this forsaken moon. "The man is pretty stubborn," I retorted. An eyebrow arched elegantly above Krennic's icy gaze, and I regretted that his core was so rotten for he might have been a charming man.
"So are you. Now get to work, I want him back in your bed in no time." And I nodded, blood drained from my face at the words. Was I really just a whore to Krennic, one that knew how work a Laplace's equation ? I needed to warn Galen about the claims I had made; that he had pushed me away because I resembled Lyra. We needed to be in sync against the mastermind of our mutual friend if we wanted a chance to get out of here alive.
But I was ready; the idea of freedom me purpose. And I would protect our child no matter what, because Galen's life depended on it.