Chapter 3: I Don't Want to Know this Feeling

Summary: The first full day of glamping has a rough start. Will the ice ever thaw?

Jet-lagged and still on East Coast time, Rafael awoke before dawn, unable to go back to sleep. He slid out of the warm bed and dressed in a tee shirt and jeans with a warm sweater over it by the dim glow of the nightlight, making as little noise as possible. He dug a pair of eyeglasses from his bag and placed them on his face, needing more light to mess with his usual contact lenses. Slipping from the yurt, he walked along the path to the lodge, hoping it was open. He was in dire need of coffee.

The sounds of nature accompanied him along the way, the soft hoots of owls in the trees and distant rumble of the Pacific Ocean soothing in the pre-dawn moonlight. The air was crisp with the slightest breeze ruffling his mussed hair. It was probably sticking up in six different directions, but he could not bring himself to give the slightest fuck.

Arriving at the lodge, he was pleased to find the wooden door pulled open with ease, dim lighting illuminated the coffee station and some pastries had already been set out. The staff must be used to some early risers, he thought. He prepared two coffees, one the way he liked and the other the way he remembered Olivia preferred, using the biodegradable cups and wooden stir sticks. He wrapped two pastries up in napkins, placing them on top of the caps covering the cups, and left the lodge.

The return trip to the yurt was quicker as he was eager for that first sip of coffee. He was almost certain that Olivia would awaken shortly, if she wasn't already, with her internal clock set to New York time as well. He wondered how the day ahead would go and hoped it wouldn't be painful. He didn't have high hopes, however.

On the redwood deck at their yurt, Rafael placed his coffee and pastry on the wooden arm of an Adirondack chair before quietly making his way back inside. He was just placing the other coffee and pastry on the small table when Olivia stirred and sat up.

"Rafael?" She blinked the sleep out of her eyes and gazed at him.

"Morning, Liv," he replied. "I, uh, got you some coffee and a pastry." He turned on his heel and slipped back outside, unsure what else to say or do. He settled into the Adirondack chair, sipping his coffee and watching the sky slowly change colors as the sun began to rise over the mountains.

He was caught by surprise when Olivia emerged from the yurt minutes later dressed in thick sweats, coffee and pastry in hand. He held his breath, thinking she might join him, but she marched down the steps of the deck with a small nod, raising the cup of coffee up in his direction in a gesture of thanks. He watched as she walked down the path toward the cliffside and let his breath out in a heavy sigh.

Olivia was tempted to sit in the chair next to Rafael when she stepped out of the yurt, but the wariness in his eyes made what little courage she had built up overnight flee her body. She fled down the stairs, seeking the quiet solitude of the benches along the cliffside. The dull roar of the ocean crashing against the shore below mellowed her and she felt like a fool for basically running away. They were never going to work things out if she kept running away.

Her feelings were so jumbled, she didn't even know where to start with Rafael. She was still displeased with him over the Wheatley trial and hurt that he left New York to begin with. She was conflicted over Elliot Stabler's return and how he thought he would just fit seamlessly back into her life. She was hesitant to open her heart to anyone again, yet at the same time had an overwhelming fear of missing out on something great.

What she did know, what she was certain of now, was that she messed up and she was NOT in love with Elliot. Any romantic feelings she once held for him were a thing of a distant past she could not return to. She had a strong sense that any feelings he thought he had for her were borne of loneliness, desperation, and a rose-colored view of the Olivia he once knew rather than actual love for her as the person she was now. Falling into something like that would blow up in their faces, of that she had no doubt. Besides, the man was a hot mess who attracted and released chaos wherever he went. She could not, would not bring that into Noah's life, not when he was thriving. The young boy needed stability and whoever she brought into their lives had to be open-minded, reliable, and safe. Elliot Stabler was none of those things.

Rafael Barba was the epitome of all of those things, though.

Olivia stood at the thought, having brooded enough. It was time to return to the yurt and find a way to rebuild her friendship with Rafael.

The deck and yurt were empty when she arrived, and her shoulders slumped. She changed from her sweatpants into jeans, her belly grumbling for a real breakfast after the sugar of the sweet pastry dissipated. She made her way to the lodge thinking that Rafael might be there enjoying breakfast.

She spotted him almost immediately when she walked through the large wooden door, sitting alone at a table facing a large window. He was sipping from a mug of coffee, probably his second or third cup, and Olivia moved toward him.

He tensed as she approached as if he felt her presence before he ever saw her, and the small movement weighed heavily upon her. Nervous and entirely unsure of herself, she stepped up to his table and plastered a smile on her face.

"Thank you for the coffee this morning. Would you mind if I joined you?"

He watched her with those too intense green eyes, the ones she once thought she could get lost in and gestured toward the seat opposite him without saying a word. She eased into the seat and took the menu he slid across the table to her.

A server arrived within moments, and they placed breakfast orders of eggs and bacon with toast, over easy for him and scrambled for her. Olivia also ordered a coffee and a glass of water. They remained in awkward silence once the server left.

God, why was this so hard? Biting the bullet, Olivia asked him how he was doing. He arched an eyebrow at her and adjusted the glasses on his face. She was momentarily distracted by how sexy he looked with a scruffy beard and glasses.

"I'm spectacular, Liv. How are you?" he sassed, drawing her attention back to the moment and she realized she had been staring. She quirked her own eyebrow.

"Really? That's wonderful. Personally, I'm doing just ok, if even that," she admitted and watched as something changed in his eyes. The server delivered her coffee and she spoke again as she added the appropriate amount of sugar. "I miss my friend and things have not… gone as I expected."

"Oh?"

He was going to make her do all the work, she realized. He made an effort last evening, then again early this morning, and she shot him down in her exhaustion and indecision both times. Now he was leaving the ball in her court, so to speak.

She panicked, not knowing what else to say without diving into a full-blown discussion about their current situation, which she did not want to do in such a public setting. Thankfully, their breakfast arrived and they each remained silent as they ate. She still felt disoriented and unsure of herself when they finished and exited the lodge.

"Ah, there you two are," the young woman who checked them in, separately, yesterday called as they left the lodge.

"You were looking for us?" Rafael questioned with a quirked brow.

The young woman smiled brightly. "Yes! I forgot to give you the itinerary of activities available to you this week. You are welcome to participate in anything without additional charge, no reservation required. All the information you need is included in the activity descriptions."

Olivia and Rafael looked at the sheet to follow along when the young woman pointed out the information. "Thank you," Olivia replied, taking the paper. "I'm sure we'll check some of these activities out."

"Please do!" The young woman bounced through the lodge doors leaving the pair to chuckle at her exuberance.

They stared at each other for a few moments before Olivia glanced back at the paper in her hand. "Do you want to –"

"I have a massage appointment in a bit," Rafael cut her off, not unkindly, to let her know he already made plans. "I'll see you later?"

Olivia nodded. "Ok. Enjoy."

He didn't move, knowing that he disappointed her once again. "Maybe we can check out the wine tasting event together later?"

Her face lifted into a bright smile. "That sounds great, Rafa."

Rafael turned with a nod, heading toward the spa.

The massage was a great idea. He emerged from the spa building with a sense of utter relaxation, the tension in his shoulders and trapezius soothed away. It was exactly what he needed before facing Olivia again.

He returned to the yurt to find Olivia perched in the Adirondack chair next to the one he sat in that morning. "Hey," he greeted as he walked up the redwood steps.

"Hey yourself. How was the massage?" She placed the book she had been reading on her lap to focus her attention on him.

"It was good enough to work out the tension in my shoulders." His lips tilted up on one side of his mouth, a tired attempt at a smile. "I'm going to take a nap. I'm too relaxed to do anything active just yet."

Olivia smiled. "That's a good idea. The wine tasting doesn't start for a quite a few hours, so you have plenty of time for a nap and shower."

He fell right to sleep and rested deeply for a couple hours before getting up. It would be his first adventure in the shower hall, and he wasn't looking forward to it. He already missed his large walk-in shower with the double showerheads and immaculate tile.

After showering quickly, Rafael lugged his shower kit and dirty clothes back to their yurt. Olivia sat at the table with a book, looking freshly put together sans makeup and with her hair left to flow in natural waves. He thought she looked beautiful, and his heart clenched.

"Ready for the wine tasting?" He asked.

"Am I ever," she replied with a delightful smile causing them both to chuckle.

They walked to the lodge together in silence, though their quiet moments were slowly becoming less awkward and tense. The iciness between them was thawing, little by little.

The wine tasting event was pleasant with almost all the resort guests over 21 participating. The wine loosened them up, making them more social, and they each mingled a bit on their own, meeting people from all over the country. They ordered dinner to complement the wine and enjoyed it in silence before calling it a night well after 9:30.

TBC