Regina's view

I have to take a deep breath now. I actually woke up in Emma's arms this morning. I still can't believe it. How long had I wished for it and now it had finally come true, even if the reason was different. However, the whole situation with Emma is coming to a head more and more. I will probably not be able to hide my feelings for her for a long time. The fact that Henry tries to bring us closer together is unfortunately not helpful and Ruby's comment that he just wants a normal family doesn't help me either.

I wish that too, but I know it will never be the case. How are we going to explain this to Henry? I don't want to hurt him, but since Emma doesn't have feelings for me, I guess there's no way around it... The thought makes me instantly very sad again. I already miss her closeness, as I always do when she is not with me. Only since last night I feel it even more intensely. Sleeping in her arms gave me so much and I wish I didn't have to miss her closeness anymore. The memory of this 'insignificant' and yet formative night, I will carefully keep in my memory.

Only now do I notice that tears are once again running down my cheeks. How I curse that I always have to cry because of her. When it comes to Emma, my self-control just fails every single damn time! What the hell is she doing to me? Worried, I look around and exhale in relief because I can't see anyone to see me crying. That's just what I needed, for someone to see me so vulnerable and upset. It's true that I wasn't so mean to others anymore, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they have to see my weaknesses.

Actually, I didn't want to think back to that time when everyone was afraid of me, but now, unfortunately, there was no going back. Because my thoughts now circle incessantly only around it. I still remember exactly my earlier behavior, as if it were only yesterday. But that was already quite a while ago. I feel anger rising in me when I remember that I had gotten involved with such people before Henry entered my life.

At that time, my 'environment' consisted of drug dealers and other criminals. Of course, I didn't even do anything really criminal, but still, some of the characteristics transferred from you to me. For example, I used to throw tantrums whenever someone annoyed me. Although I didn't hurt anyone physically, my words at the time could hurt far more than punches could have. And since I was additionally mayor at the time, I punished the citizens myself for looking at me. I had people fired from their jobs and lost their entire livelihood, even closed down a few businesses for no reason, and imposed heavy fines on them that they couldn't pay. And all that without any real reason. None of it had been justified, but since everyone was afraid of me, everyone kept quiet about it. I had enjoyed the power I had over people and liked to play with them. It had been my only purpose in life to destroy existences. I even sent thugs to some of them to scare them or I gave the criminals information that facilitated their crimes. I did all this without ever leaving any evidence. What I have done so far, no one would be able to find out, let alone prove. Not even my former acquaintance knew that the information came from me. I adopted Henry when my doing no longer filled me up and broke away from the dealers and criminals. However, I continued to make life difficult for the citizens. Henry, he filled the hole in my heart a little. Whenever he smiled at me or said mommy, my heart just melted. Eventually, even that wasn't enough. Something was missing from me. But what it was, I didn't know until Emma came into my life. Emma knows about my past. She is the only person I have told everything to, everything I did back then. I trust her, I trust that she won't tell anyone, won't betray me. I remember how she reacted to my past. I expected her to push me away, to yell at me, to blame me for how I could do such a thing. Instead, she had simply taken me in her arms, held me, and given me the strength I lacked at that moment.

She had said ' that's in the past, everyone makes mistakes and you made up for what you could. You are not that person anymore and I don't see that person in you.

That was all Emma had said about it. I was so surprised by her words that I just said 'thank you' and then let myself fall into her embrace.

It was her who was missing...

I had just been so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that I had unconsciously run to my friend Kathrin. Also that the sun is shining in the meantime and slowly comes back to life in the sleepy city, I have not noticed until now. Fortunately, I have stopped crying in the meantime, without anyone seeing me cry. I shrug my shoulders. Now that I'm at Kathrin's, I might as well see if she's home. Maybe it will do me good to talk to her. So I go to the front door and ring the bell. After a few seconds she opens the door, beams at me and then pulls me into a hug.

"Hey, what's going on?" she wants to know. She seems to have noticed that I'm not feeling well and that I've been crying.

"I'm afraid it's a long story." I barely manage to get out before tears start running down my cheeks again.

This constant crying must finally stop, I think to myself, angry at myself. So far, I've only told Kathrin that I've fallen in love with a person who probably doesn't return my feelings. However, I have not told her who that person is. Kathrin takes my arm and pulls me into the apartment. She drags me to the sofa and I drop onto it, exhausted.

"Regina, I'm here for you! You know that! You can talk to me about it!"

She offers after we've been sitting next to each other in silence for a few minutes. I look at her and notice her worried look. I'm struggling with whether to tell her. I know she wouldn't tell anyone, but I don't like to talk about things that bother me. Except with Emma. I'd love to talk to her about what's bothering me, but since it's about herself, I just can't...

Screw it, I'll just tell Kathrin.

"Do you remember...that I told you about the person... I fell in love with, who doesn't return my feelings? But doesn't reciprocate?" I ask her, to which she nods in agreement.

But... I haven't told you who it is."

I stop for a moment as I try to suppress another sob, but I don't succeed.

"It's Emma. I've fallen in love with Emma, of all people. With her beautiful golden green eyes, her smile, her voice, her character. I just love everything about her."

It just gushes out of me. She doesn't seem the least bit surprised or startled, no, she smiles. As if she had suspected all along that it was Emma.

I tell her about the events of the last day, starting with the chance meeting at Granny's, how she had taken me to the lake, how I had run away from her until she found me and brought me to Ruby. From sleeping the night in Emma's arms, from not finding out until the next morning that Henry had planned this, the brief conversation with Ruby, and from talking to Emma about Henry. Kathrin listens to me attentively until I have really told her everything.

Kathrin seems to think about what I just said, she takes a deep breath and says "Gina I know you are scared, but you have to talk to Emma. You need to tell her how you feel and I think she reciprocates your feelings. Why else would she have pulled you into her arms?"

I think about what she said for a second. I mean yes, why did Emma pull me into her arms? On the other hand, she was asleep and she thought Henry would be between us. Maybe she wanted to pull him into her arms and didn't even notice. After all, when you're asleep, you do things unconsciously. So I'm saying out loud my assumption that she actually wanted to pull Henry into her arms.

"Sure that's a possibility Gina, but the possibility of her returning your feelings is still there. She's always worried about you, she defends you every single time, she smiles at you, she seeks contact with you. Of course, all this could be meant in a purely friendly way, but I think there is more behind it. Talk to her, tell her, listen to what she has to say. It's no use if you're suffering all the time. And then at least you have certainty and even if she doesn't return your feelings, you could get it off your chest and she won't push you away. You're friends and she'll continue to be there for you, I firmly believe that."

Maybe Kathrin is right, but maybe not. Do I really want to take that risk? I don't think so, no, the risk is too high for me and I also don't want to burden Emma with it, should she not return my feelings, which I firmly assume. If I tell her and she only has purely friendly feelings for me, I'm putting her in a difficult position. And I want her to be okay, though. So I won't tell her about my feelings for her and I won't talk to her.

"I can't do it Kathrin, I can't do that to Emma." I tell her my decision resolutely.

"Well, it's your decision, but if I were you I would do it." She replies. I don't answer her anymore, but just stare straight ahead into nothingness.

"Let's not get into that. Would you like some coffee?"

She asks me, to which I nod my agreement. I am very grateful to her for the change of subject. So we go to her kitchen, where she makes two cups of coffee for us. I notice that she has changed her kitchen. The walls are now painted a creamy brown instead of the bright yellow that previously graced the walls. I approach her about it and we chat while we drink our coffee about her new decor and other light topics. The topic from earlier did not come up again.