Regina's view
'Gina I know you're scared, but you need to talk to Emma...'
Even though I can't get Kathrin's words out of my head, I decide against telling Emma about it. I am standing right in front of Emma and I can see that she is not well. Her golden blonde curls are somehow disheveled, her bright green eyes, which normally sparkle slightly golden, look empty and deep black circles stand out under her eyes. Telling her about it now would just be selfish. To greet her, I silently take Emma in my arms and deliberately hold her longer than usual. I take in her smell and enjoy every second that I am allowed to be close to her. Emma also seems to need this embrace, because she puts her arms around me and holds me very tightly pressed against her body. We slowly separate from each other. I don't know how long we have been in the embrace and still neither of us has said a word. It is a pleasant silence and I notice that I am relaxing more and more.
Emma's closeness has once again calmed me immediately. The tension I felt about my nightmare fell away from me when I saw Emma. My thoughts of Whale were abruptly replaced and different scenarios with Emma immediately popped up in my head. How nice it would have been if one of the scenarios had come to pass.
The most beautiful and only good ending scenario was immediately repeated in my head: I saw Emma standing there, at the end of the street in the middle of the night. You could see that something was bothering her. As in reality, her golden blonde curls were tousled, her bright green eyes, which normally sparkle slightly golden, looked empty and deep black circles appeared under her eyes. I stood directly in front of her and gathered all my courage. I came closer and closer to her, hoping that she felt the same as I did. Our lips were only a few millimeters apart and I silently searched for your consent in your eyes. That she did not retreat, I took as permission and overcame the last distance between us. My lips gently touched yours and fireworks bubbled inside me. A great nerve-racking fireworks, but instead of the many bright colors that are supposed to light up the sky, I felt many incredibly strong emotions that robbed me of my mind. An incredible tingling spread through me, which made my knees go weak and I could only keep myself on my feet with difficulty. The kiss was simply breathtaking. And when Emma then began to return the kiss and she put her hands on my waist, it was completely done around me, so that I had to cling to Emma not to fall. My dream had become reality and I enjoyed the newfound closeness to her. After a few minutes, Emma detached herself from me, beamed at me with a smirk on her lips and told me that she loved me. Whereupon I pulled her into my arms and was just happy.
After we stand next to each other in silence for another few minutes, it suddenly starts to rain, which instantly brings us out of our thoughts. We look at each other and with a silent agreement decide to go to Emma's, turn around and hurriedly start walking. We don't exchange a word with each other on the way to Emma's either. We both seem to be lost in our own thoughts again, at least I am once again.
How can a single person take over my thoughts to such an extent? Why can't I get Emma out of my head? Sure this is a rhetorical question I'm asking myself here, because the answer was obvious to me. I love Emma. That's the problem. But why can't I suppress my feelings for her? Why is there no off switch for my thoughts? Whenever I'm pulled out of my reverie, I feel the twinge in my heart that painfully reminds me that it's just nothing more than reverie. As much as I wish it were real, it isn't and never will be. I feel the tear that just rolled out of my eye run down my cheek and quickly wipe it away so Emma can't see it. As I continue to be lost in my thoughts, I don't notice that we have arrived at Emma's until she breaks the silence between us.
"Would you like a coffee?"
I nod and look after Emma, who goes to the kitchen counter and puts on a coffee. In the meantime, I look around. Nothing has changed here. Walking through the white-ash colored apartment door, everything is still the same. The wooden staircase leading upstairs to Henry and Emma's bedrooms. I shake my head as I catch myself drifting off again, imagining that Emma and I are now in your bedroom, her walking up to me, putting a hand to my cheek, slowly pulling me to her and kissing me. How her other hand wanders down my side, only to come back up under my blouse...
Stop!!!
Inwardly I slap myself and try to focus on the here and now. I could really use some alcohol right now to turn my head off. I look at the clock and sigh, 5:12. Clearly too late and at the same time too early to consume alcohol right now. Bummer. Then I guess I'll have to postpone it until tonight.
Emma comes back and hands me a fresh, hot cup of coffee, which I gratefully accept and walk with her to the sofa. We sit on the sofa in silence for a few more minutes until I break the silence.
Emma?" I more or less start a conversation.
Mhh?" she answers me, but seems completely lost in her thoughts.
What were you doing outside in the middle of the night?" I want to know, although I can certainly see my concern for her.
"I could ask you the same question," she replies, without answering my question.
"I had a nightmare about Whale" I whisper, why I whispered my answer I don't know myself. Maybe because just the thought of the dream causes such strong pain in me that I automatically wince and tears come to my eyes again.
"Oh, do you want to talk about it?" I can clearly tell Emma is even more worried about me now, but do I want to talk about it? Do I want to allow the memory of the dream and the past to become more present again? I don't think so, I don't know if I could stand it today. I have to swallow, because I feel the sadness growing stronger again . I quickly block out Whale and everything connected with it and answer her question briefly.
"I'd rather not"
Emma is silent again, her facial features showing me that she is just back in her thoughts. For now, I decide to leave her in her thoughts and drift back into mine myself. Better said, I remember a poem I wrote in my youth.
"Life in an endless time,
with the certainty that nothing is left.
With the thought of a lost world,
where everyone says what they don't like.
The thought that someday it will be different,
even if you know you're lost in hope.
A world in which no one knows where his head is,
because everything revolves around fears and doubts.
You can't see the goal of life,
we are lonely, silent and stand still.
A rope is wrapped around our neck,
... we disappear in an instant."
I really haven't thought of this poem for a long time. Why it just came back to me now, I don't know. I let the thought of it disappear again and get Emma out of her thoughts. I wonder what's going on in her head right now.
"Emma?" I start a conversation again.
"Mhh? "she replies, not quite out of her thoughts and back to reality.
"Why were you out now?" I repeat my question from earlier.
"I was thinking about something." I'm about to ask if she wants to tell me what she was thinking about when she continues speaking.
"I was thinking about how I can help you without knowing what's going on..."
"Oh..." I breathe.
I'm driving Emma to sleep because she's worried about me. It's not fair of me to do something like that to her. After a moment's thought, I decide to tell her at least half the truth.
"I.. Well... I'll tell you..." I start my narration, only starting like this to stall for some more time.
"I have... Me... In love..." Astonished, she looks at me, I think she didn't expect it. I just hope that I can control myself and not tell her who I've fallen in love with.
"Oh... But that's a good thing, isn't it?" she asks me as she looks slightly irritated. However, I also think I see something else flashing in her eyes. Pain. Or anger? I can't interpret it exactly.
"Not if the love is not returned..." I murmur softly.
"Who is this idiot you think doesn't return your feelings? And why don't you think he returns your feelings? Have you talked to him yet?" Emma wants to know.
'You' echoes in my head. Spasmodically I think about what I should answer her now. Kathrin would advise me to tell her the truth, but do I really want to? No, I'm not ready for that yet, the day was already exhausting enough, and it hadn't even really started yet.
"No, I haven't talked to that person yet, believe me, I just know. Can we leave the subject for today? I'm really knocked out, let's go watch a movie or something." I try to partially answer her questions on the one hand and change the subject on the other.
Fine with me, but this is not the end of the subject, I want to know everything when you're ready," she replies and turns on the TV.
After a few minutes I notice how my eyes slowly fall closed, my head has found its place on Emma's shoulder and I finally fall asleep calmly and relaxed. From the film I have honestly noticed nothing, Emma's proximity, as always, had been too distracting.
The poem does not rhyme in the English translation I hope you can forgive me for that.