Emma's view

To our beloved daughter,

What the fuck now? Beloved daughter? Are they crazy? First you tell me all this crap, destroy me with it and then you write 'beloved' daughter? They have never loved me, that they have given me to understand clearly. The rage comes up again in me and tears run down my cheeks incessantly. Should I really continue reading? Do I really want to know what they have to tell me? I decide to read a little further, I can always stop.

We know that we have made many mistakes with which we have hurt you...

Oh what? Mistake? Not you guys. Well, apart from the fact that you threw me away like garbage, because I was worthless in your eyes, because of a supposedly congenital heart defect, which I never had?

That I had to live in an orphanage for years because no one adopted me? That I was always on my own?

That you destroyed me during our confrontation?

That you made me give my son up for adoption? I know that you did a lot of things wrong, but you said that it was not a mistake and that you were happy about it.

All this is not excusable, we can never make it up to you, but we can try to explain it to you, even if it is not easy to find the right words for it.

Yes quite right, you can neither excuse it nor can you make it good again. Well, I'm curious about the explanation. Do you want to tell me again that it was my fault because I was born the way I am? That I'm just too worthless?

I can really do without that. I put the letter aside, take a deep breath and try to get rid of my anger. I make myself a cup of tea, go to the window and cry. I would love to call Regina now so that I can calm down, but I cannot. My old behavior resurfaces and I crawl away rather than seek help. Since the tea water is ready, I pour the tea, take the letter in my hand again, go to the sofa and sit down.

Inhale... Exhale..

Inhale... Exhale...

Okay new try, where was I.

..words to find.

Very many years ago, before you were born, we became friends with a woman. Her name was Cora. She was a very serious woman and if we had known what she did for a living, we would never have gotten involved with her...

Okay, so what does a woman's profession have to do with what they did to me? I'm not interested in their whole life story, I just want to know why they treated me like that. Do I really want to know the reason? Actually, it doesn't matter why they did it, after all, it doesn't change the fact that they treated me that way... I continue reading for a while, I think, even though my eyes are burning and the tea can't calm me down...

It is not easy for us to tell you about it, but above all we want you to know that we know it was still our mistake and we do not want to blame Cora. Even though she is the one who is responsible for our decision. Cora was there for us when we needed her. At some point, however, she came to us, accompanied by a man. His name was Mr. Gold. He was her husband, whom we met that day. He, too, played his part in how we decided.

So their entire life story after all? I don't know Cora or Mr. Gold, what do they have to do with it? My tears are now wasted, only the anger is still very strong and I am becoming increasingly restless.

Until that day, we hadn't wondered why Cora hadn't told us about her profession, even though we had been friends with her for quite a while, we didn't think anything of it. Why should we? Friends don't always question everything right away. If we had, we would have. Because that day we found out what they did for a living. It was cruel. They were bad people behind their masks. They were trafficking in women, drugs, organs and murder for hire.

Why are you telling me this? It doesn't make me feel any better. I am disappointed that they told me I was worthless and they themselves associate with such people.

Why are we telling you this? Because on that day, our fate was sealed. They told us about their machinations because they wanted to threaten us. Either we go along with them and do what they want or they will kill every person we know. We couldn't let that happen, so we started working for them. David as a bodyguard and me as an accountant.

Great, now we have already reached the point where they themselves became such people, they could have gone to the police after all, instead of actually working for them.

So far I don't see any sense in all this, probably there isn't any... I'll read a bit more, but I don't expect much from it.

This went on for a few months until I realized I was pregnant with you. We hid the pregnancy because we didn't want them to find out. It was lucky that they actually didn't find out... yet a child would have been noticed and you would have been in danger. We wanted to run away with you and have a future as a family, but then all the people we knew would have died and we just couldn't bear the burden... That's why we gave you up for adoption. You should not grow up in such an environment, but most of all you should be safe.

Hm... I have to swallow, that all sounds so reasonable and yet so wrong. Why didn't they just contact the police? Why did they allow themselves to be dragged into this and ruin their future? And not just their future, but mine too? I mean, I can understand on one hand that they wanted to protect me, that's why they gave me away, but why didn't they tell me when I was with them? Why did they have to destroy me when that answer would have been enough? After all, it sounds like they wanted to keep me, but were afraid for the people close to them and therefore had to give me away in order not to endanger anyone. That would have been understandable. Of course it wouldn't have changed the fact that I was alone, but I think I would have understood that. After all, I wanted the best for Henry and that's why I gave him away. But they had destroyed me, given me the feeling that I was garbage and worth nothing, that I couldn't get anything done.

The letter continues and I read on confused, disappointed, sad and angry.

We know that this does not explain everything and that it is not an excuse for our behavior, but we would like to tell you the rest...

For many years we worked for them, even when you came to us looking for confrontation, we still worked for them. We wanted to tell you everything, but we couldn't. Since we started working for them, they were watching us, they knew everything about us, what we were doing, what we were saying, everything. When you came to us, they found out about you, we knew that. So we had to make them know that you meant nothing to us, that we didn't love you. So that you could continue to be safe, we had to make them and you believe that we don't care what happens to you, so they couldn't use you as leverage. We are unspeakably sorry for what we did to you. If we had a way to explain it to you, we would have, but we couldn't and we understand if you hate us. We hate ourselves for what we've done to you.

So why are you telling me now, if you want me to be safe, why are you telling me all of this, it just doesn't make sense. I am still deeply hurt, but slowly my anger dissolves and the hatred for them lessens. I can understand that they saw no other way to protect me and everyone else, but it still hurts and doesn't change what happened. Whether I will ever forgive you for this, I don't know, but at least I am no longer angry or have to waste my time hating them. Still, I am confused and the chaos of feelings inside me, is steadily increasing. I am overwhelmed with everything. Nevertheless, I decide to finish reading the letter.

Now you are probably wondering why we are telling you this now and whether we are putting you in danger. We, at least, would ask ourselves that...

We have been trying to gather evidence against them all these years and every time we found something, we played it to the police unnoticed. Because a policeman, his name is Graham, has gone undercover with them, so we've been able to slip it to him without anyone noticing. Last week, the police received the last piece of evidence and it is finally enough for an unassailable charge. They were arrested 3 days ago and are now in jail, which means you and everyone else is safe now. We hope that someday you will be ready to talk to us and give us a chance to become part of your life after all. But we give you all the time in the world. Hearing all this is certainly not easy and as we said, it does not excuse our behavior. Nevertheless, we hope that you can understand why we acted the way we did. We have loved you since the news that we were expecting a child and we have never stopped. You probably heard that you didn't have a heart defect.

We are so sorry for what we have done to you. Please never forget how much we love you.

You are good the way you are, we have not been able to meet you until now, but already at the confrontation we saw how wonderful you have become. You are strong, intelligent, beautiful, warm, helpful and independent.

We love you Emma..

And we are really very sorry.

With love ..

your parents.

I am at a loss right now, too much information, too many feelings and thoughts. My mind, understands everything, can understand every decision you have made and would like to forgive you. My heart, however, simply cannot forgive you. You have failed me, broken me and tempted me to give away the most precious thing in my life. Henry. It is only because of you that I could not see my son grow up because you broke me. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do, I feel lost and I'm gripped by the urge to escape.

The urge to leave silences my mind, which wants to tell me that I can't escape, that I have to face this. That I can't leave because of Henry and Regina, but that doesn't matter right now, my mind is off and I start packing my things. After a short time it is done. Never before, have I packed my things so quickly. The impulse is getting stronger and stronger and I know that nothing can stop me from leaving now. And I don't want to. I will come back when I am ready and until then Regina will take care of Henry, I know he will want for nothing. She is a good mother and he is in good hands with her. He also has Ruby and Granny, they will also take care of Henry, but more importantly they will also take care of Regina. Leaving her behind is insanely hard. She is my home, my refuge, my soul and my heart. But right now, I can't be with her, everything hurts right now and I can't bear the pain of unrequited love right now too. So I'm really going to leave, but not without letting you know. I don't want you to worry about me. That's why I'm writing Regina a note explaining what happened and that I had to leave but I'll be back. That she has nothing to worry about and to take good care of our son. I also write a message to Henry, apologizing to him and explaining that I have to leave to deal with the events of the last hour.

I hope they forgive me for this at some point.

I put both messages on the kitchen table so they can find them right when they come in. I grab my stuff and head outside, get in my car and drive off. At the town sign that says 'leaving Storybrooke' I stop short. Turn around to take one last look at the town, text Ruby that I have to cancel girls' night out and drive off. It hurts my heart to leave everyone behind temporarily, but I just can't take it right now and I have to get out of here.

As soon as I find myself, I'll be back. I promise!