Author note:

I know it's been a long time since I updated. This came to me this weekend. I hope you enjoy. Please let me know if you would like to keep seeing these future snippets of Clay & Emma's life together.

CH 17-A Change in Plans

Emma was actually looking forward to this appointment. She drove herself, after getting the okay from her doctor. The past few weeks hadn't been easy. Having a C-section wasn't part of their plan. The recovery was much harder on Emma than after she had Quinn. It took her longer to get back to doing normal things like cooking and cleaning. When he was home, Clay had played "Mother Hen", not letting her lift anything except the baby, and insisting on doing the laundry and the dishes, and most of the housework in addition to his long days.

What hurt the most was not being able to cuddle and care for Quinn the way she wanted to. The little girl didn't understand why Mama couldn't lift her up and carry her, or why she couldn't play with her like she usually did.

When Clay had to be away, Jason was enlisted to help. Quinn enjoyed her Grandfather's presence and loved the games he played with her. But, at the end of the day it was Emma she wanted to give her a bath and take her to bed.

Then there was her time with her husband. Their lives were hectic enough with a newborn in the house. She honestly hadn't had the time or energy to anything other than the basics. So, intimacy was the last thing on her mind. She knew Clay missed her and missed their closeness. As she began to heal and feel more herself, she longed for his touch as well. With his deployment and then her being so far along when he returned, it had been far too long since they could be together. She was hoping that the doctor would clear her physically today. She smiled to herself, looking forward to the positive report she could give Clay when she got home.

She checked-in with the receptionist and sat down in the waiting area. It was fifteen minutes past her appointment time when the nurse called her back to the exam room. Emma changed into the paper gown provided and waited on the exam table for her doctor.

The checkup itself went quickly. It was the conversation after that took a turn. They started to discuss continued after-care and next steps.

"So, Emma. Things look good. Your incision is nicely healed. You could still feel some pulling here and there as you move. But that is completely normal. There's no reason to worry unless you have sharp pains, or you start to notice any redness or swelling."

"I can start Yoga back up then?"

"Yes, that shouldn't be a problem."

"Good."

She still felt soft around the middle and wanted to started toning her muscles back up.

"Any other questions?"

"Are my husband & I okay to have sex now?"

"Yes, again, you need to listen to your body about what positions are comfortable. But resuming your normal intimacy should be fine. Have you and your husband discussed what method of Birth Control you want to use? If you want to go back on the pills, I recommend a lower dosage version as long as you are breastfeeding. It's effective in preventing pregnancy but can have less of an effect on your milk supply."

"I think that's probably the best bet until we want to start trying to get pregnant again."

The surprised look on her doctor's face registered with Emma.

"Is there something wrong?"

"Emma, I think I've been guilty of not fully explaining how dangerous the situation was with your seizure and subsequent delivery with AJ."

Emma's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

"I'm not sure I know what you mean. You said that I'm fine now, that the episode left no lasting issues. And AJ's Pediatrician said he's perfectly healthy. Being delivered a couple weeks early didn't hurt him at all."

"All of that is true. And I'm happy to know that the baby is doing so well…"

"But…" Emma prompted warily.

The doctor took a deep breath before continuing.

"But your situation was very serious. The blood pressure spike came out of nowhere and we're still not sure what caused it. Because of that we can't be sure it won't happen again. As a result, it is my recommendation that you and your husband don't try for another pregnancy."

Emma sucked in a breath. She wasn't expecting this.

"You can't know what will happen. So, that means it could have been a one-time thing. "

"Yes…yes it could. But, since we couldn't definitively diagnose the cause, we can't work to prevent it. Emma," she paused. "I'm going to be frank here. We almost lost you. You and the baby. If you hadn't had contractions and woken your husband…you could have slipped away at home in bed."

Emma choked back a sob. The thought of Clay waking to find her, and AJ gone, in bed next to him was horrifying. The doctor sat quietly, letting her try to make sense of the conversation.

"So…so, that's it? No more babies?"

"I know this is hard. I wish I had better news. But you know you are both young enough and adoption could be a great option for you, if you want to expand your family. Or there's always Surrogacy if you wanted to investigate that route."

She continued on, but Emma had stopped listening. She couldn't get the truth to sink in. No more babies. That's all she could hear.

The doctor saw that she had lost Emma.

"Well, if you want to talk about any of that, you can schedule an appointment at any time for a consult."

Then she stood and laid a hand on Emma's shoulder before leaving her alone in the exam room.

"I am terribly sorry. I'll let the staff know that you're still in here. You take all the time you need."

Emma nodded and thanked her absently.

As soon as the door was closed, she started to get dressed. Everything happened without conscious thought. Soon she was dressed walking out to the parking lot. She searched around in her purse for her keys. She knew they were in there somewhere. Her fingers delved into every crevice and pocket with no luck. Emma couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

"Damn it!"

She shoved her hands into her coat pockets and felt the cold metal bite into her hand. Pulling the jingling ring out roughly, and pressing the fob to unlock the door, she slumped into the driver's seat. She slammed the door and jerked the seat belt across in front of her and jammed it into the latch. With tears dripping down her face she crumpled over the steering wheel and sobbed. A thousand thoughts whirled through her head. She and Clay had never really said how many children they wanted, but they had discussed having a big family. She knew growing up as an only child had an effect on him. He once said he wanted a "house full of kids." She had no objections. She loved Clay and loved their babies. Now…now that was over, gone, done. How would she tell him? There would be no more babies for them.

She was wiping the tears from her cheeks when she heard her phone indicate an incoming text. It was Clay.

-Are you on your way? –

Emma looked at the time. She didn't realize that it was so late. She nursed AJ before she left but didn't think she would be gone long enough for Clay to need to feed him again. Just thinking about her son started the tingling in her breasts. She tried to will her milk not to start flowing. There was breastmilk in the fridge that he could use. But their son definitely preferred his meals straight from the source and fought the bottle quite vocally. Knowing her baby needed her jerked her thoughts back to reality. She straightened her shoulders, turned on the car and focused on getting home safely.

She bustled in the door, hearing the baby's cries, joined by Quinn's as she approached the house.

"Sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be gone so long."

Clay was sitting on the couch holding their hungry son and trying to simultaneously soothe their over-tired daughter. She tossed her purse down, flung off her coat, and reached for AJ.

"I'm here. Mama's here," she murmured to him as she unbuttoned her now soaking shirt and took a seat in the chair.

He was so distraught that it took a few minutes to get him to calm down enough to latch on and start to suckle. Finally, finally they both got the relief they needed. Her eyes sought Clay's again, trying to apologize. He had pulled Quinn into his lap and was rubbing her back, willing the toddler to fall asleep. They were both frazzled and frustrated. He could see her face was blotchy and her eyes were red and puffy. He knew something else was going on, but now was not the time to discuss it.

Eventually he got Quinn to sleep and took her up to bed for what would hopefully be a long nap. He came back downstairs quietly, picked up her coat and bag and hung them in the closet.

"Thank you."

"Of course."

He bent and pressed a kiss to AJ's head and gave her a peck on the lips. Then he settled in on the couch and watched the miracle in front of him. Even though he had seen Emma feed Quinn and now their son countless times, it was a sight of which he would never tire. He firmly believed that there was never anything as beautiful as watching his wife give of her body to nourish and sustain their children.

By the time the baby was finished he was asleep, and Emma was drooping. Clay scooped his son gently from Emma's arms and took him upstairs to his bassinet. He came back downstairs roused her.

"Babe…Em. Why don't you go on up and lay down too?"

"Hmm? I need to get this into the laundry."

She motioned to her blouse and bra that were stained and wet from where she leaked through the nursing pads. He helped her up and walked her to the stairs.

"Go ahead and change and throw all that back down. I'll put it in to soak for you."

"You don't need to do that. I can take care of it."

He pulled her close and kissed her head.

"I know you can. But, let me do it this time, huh?"

Tears pricked at her eyes as she looked up at him. She could see some dark circles starting to trace their way under his twinkling blue eyes. She felt horrible that he was so tired and taking on so much of the load. If she was tired, it made things difficult, but only annoying. If he were too tired it could mean the difference between life and death at work. She tugged on his hand as she went up the first couple steps.

"Come on up and lay down with me. You need to rest too."

"But…" he motioned to her clothing.

"I'll rinse it all in the bathroom sink and take it down later with the rest of the laundry."

It wasn't just his need for sleep that was her only motivation. She was still shaken by her conversation with the doctor. She wanted to feel him close. He could sense her need and allowed her to lead him up to their room.

They tiptoed through the door, mindful of the sleeping occupant in the cradle at the foot of the bed. Emma went into their en-suite and stripped off her top and bra, putting them in the sink to soak in cool water. When she walked back into their bedroom, she could see Clay had taken off his shoes and jeans and slid under the covers. She noticed his eyes darken and follow her as she came back in just her leggings. She grabbed one of his old t-shirts and pulled it on. He lifted the sheet for her, and she went into his arms. Snuggling close, she fitted her head into the crook of his neck and sighed heavily. The desperate way she clung to him let him know that there was indeed something more going on. He was a starting to worry since the change in her mood came after her check-up with her OB/GYN. He didn't press her though, deciding that she would share whatever news she had in her own time. He held her close, tightening his arms around her and taking comfort in the soft puffs of breath he felt against his neck.

They both must have been exhausted because neither one of them heard Quinn maneuver her way out of her bed after calling for them. She woke, climbed up over the railing, and padded down the hall and into their room. Clay started awake when he felt her tiny hands pat his cheeks.

"Quinn, what…how…how did you get in here?"

He rolled over and pulled his pants back on while whispering to his daughter. She began to giggle, and he reminded her to be quiet while casting wary glances at both Emma and the baby. He picked up his little girl and proceeded to take her back to her room to check her diaper. All the while she chattered to him about getting out of bed and coming to find him. She was so proud, while Clay cursed himself for forgetting to put up the baby gate at the top of the stairs. If she had tried to come find them down there, instead of in their room…he didn't even want to think about what could have happened. Her diaper was dry, so he re-dressed her and took her downstairs.

"Where Mama?"

"Mama and brother are sleeping. They're very tired."

"Bruver sleep every time."

Clay responded once he untangled her meaning.

"Yea, well…that's what babies do. AJ has a lot of growing to do so that he can be big enough to play with you. And all that growing makes him tired."

"Mama sleep too."

"Taking care of all of us makes Mama very tired. She needs to rest. So why don't you and I try to be as quiet as we can and let her sleep, okay?"

Quinn stuck out her lip and her chin quivered.

"I miss mama."

The little girl had adjusted to having a new baby brother as well as could be expected. The added complications of the delivery that kept Emma from being able to pick up and play with Quinn were just more salt in the wound. Clay hugged his little girl close and tried to soothe her.

"I know. Mama misses being able to do all the things with you too. It won't be too much longer until she can do all that again."

He felt her nod against his shoulder and heard her sniffing as the stopped crying.

"I have an idea. Let's you and I make dinner. That way when Mama wakes up, she'll have more time to spend with you. What do you say?"

She nodded enthusiastically, climbed off his lap, and started toward the kitchen.

"Hey, wait for me, punkin."

Emma awoke to the snuffling cry of her son. He wasn't quite awake yet, but she could tell by his movements and the pursing of his mouth that he would be up any minute and wanting his dinner. She arranged the pillows so that she could sit up and then lifted him into her arms. As he fed, she looked down into his face. His eyes were open and looking at her. He waved his tiny fist and she caught it between her fingers, bringing his hand to her lips. She could see so much of Clay in him, the shape of his nose and chin, not to mention the crook in his little finger.

AJ finished eating and she changed his diaper, crooning words of love to him all the while. As she lifted him back into her arms, he offered her his first real smile. Emma couldn't stop the tears as she snuggled him on her shoulder. The fact that he would be her last baby was still heavy on her mind.

She started down the stairs and could hear Clay and Quinn in the kitchen. Her daughter was sitting on the counter, next to her father, chattering a mile a minute. Quinn's happy monologue kept Clay from hearing her approach.

"Well, hello you two. What's going on in here?"

Clay turned to answer her as Quinn flung herself toward her mother. Thankfully, his reflexes were quick, and he caught the little girl before she fell.

"Hey, hey. Be careful Baby. Here, let's let Mama sit and you can sit in her lap, okay?"

He sat their daughter carefully in her mother's lap and then took his son from Emma's arms. After the exchange, Emma focused all her attention on her daughter.

"What are you and Daddy doing baby?"

"Daddy and I cook."

"What are you making?"

Quinn looked to her father. Clay bent down and whispered into her ear.

"S'getti," the little girl repeated.

"You're making spaghetti for dinner? That's great honey. I appreciate your help so much."

"Make butter bread."

"We were just about to butter the bread before toasting it," Clay translated.

He went and got the baby's bouncy seat and sat it on the table, strapping AJ in. Then he put the sheet pan with the bread and the butter in front of Emma and Quinn.

"There. Now you and Mama can do the bread together."

Emma smiled up at him and he dropped a kiss on her head.

"Daddy," Quinn whined.

"Ooops, sorry! Have to give a kiss to both my girls."

And he kissed the top of her head too.

Dinner was simple, but filling. Soon the little family was settled in the living room for some time together before bed. Emma watched Clay holding little AJ as they played dolls with Quinn, her heart was full. But there was a sharp ache there too. He was such a wonderful father. And now, now she couldn't give him more children. She wiped at her eyes quickly, trying to hide her tears.

At the appropriate time, Emma took Quinn upstairs and helped her get ready for bed. Clay came up and lifted her up over the rails and into bed. He and Emma took the baby back down. It was still a little while until his bedtime feeding and they could collapse in bed for a few hours until he woke to nurse again. They talked about their days, what needed to be accomplished tomorrow and plans for their weekend. Clay noticed that Emma carefully avoided any mention of her appointment today. Soon the baby started to work his tiny mouth and root around at the front of Clay's shirt.

"Sorry buddy. You're gonna need Mama for that. Unless…" he looked up at Emma. "Why don't you let me try with a bottle. We're going to have to get him used to it at some point."

She swallowed and nodded, blinking back the tears that wanted to come. It seemed like every action was now laced with the precious nuance that it was one step closer to the last time.

"I know. I just…I love the time with him…"

"Okay. I'm sorry honey. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought I could help out some then."

"No, you're right. We can try tomorrow. I didn't mean to overreact. I'm…I'm only tired."

"I know. Here," he motioned to AJ. "When he's finished why don't you let me put him down. You can rest for a while then."

She nodded, touched once again by his care of her.

When AJ was done, Emma kissed his soft cheeks and handed him into his father's arms. Clay took him up and readied him for bed. Emma steeled herself for the discussion with Clay that she knew was imminent.

Sooner than she was ready, he came back down carrying the baby monitor and sat next to her on the couch. He hoped she would start the conversation, but when she didn't, he carefully broached the subject.

"So…how did your appointment go today?"

Taking a deep breath, she plastered a smile on her face and answered.

"It went pretty well. The doctor said that everything is healing like it should be. I can even start back with some Yoga again."

"That's great news."

"Yea, you won't have to look at this pudgy tummy for much longer."

He tugged her over the lay against him and wrapped his arm around her, laying his hand across her middle.

"First, I love you no matter how you look. Second, you are so sexy it hurts, baby."

He followed his comments with some soft kisses to her neck and jaw.

"I'm happy you can do your Yoga again because I know how you miss it and that it helps you feel good and gives you energy."

She hugged his arm against her and kissed his bicep. Then, as she brought a hand up to trace his tattoo she continued.

"She also said that we're okay to start having sex again."

"Good to know for when you're feeling up to it."

There was a pause before she spoke again.

"Ah, she also asked what kind of Birth Control we wanted to use."

"I'm happy to talk about it with you. But it's really your call, babe."

"Yea…actually…there was more…"

Clay could tell whatever she had to say was hard for her. He tightened his arms around her and placed a kiss on her temple.

"We talked about AJ's delivery and what happened. She said that since they couldn't figure out what happened with my blood pressure, they couldn't be sure it wouldn't happen again."

Emma could feel Clay tense up at the mention of her seizure and the subsequent issues.

"So…um," she was weeping now. "She said that I shouldn't get pregnant again. It would be too risky."

"That, uh, that makes sense."

She could hear the emotion in his voice, interpreting it as disappointment.

"I'm sorry, Clay. I'm so sorry," she said as she dissolved into tears.

"Hey, hey…" he lifted her and placed her on his lap. "Shhhh. It' s okay Baby."

Emma curled around him and cried against his chest.

"Honey, why would you be sorry?"

"N-now you can't have any more children…because of me."

"What?"

He was incredulous. How could she think that he would be upset, that he would ever risk her life?

"Emma, honey. Look at me."

She tipped her face up to look at him. She didn't see the regret she expected. All she saw was love.

"Em…do you have any idea how lucky I am? I never thought that I could have all this. That I would have you, and the kids, that I would have a family. When I met you and we got together, I felt like I was in some sort of dream. I kept waiting to wake up and realize that none of it was real. Everything I have…is because of you."

"But…but you were upset when I told you. I could feel it."

"I was upset because I was remembering how it felt in the back of that car with you. Begging you to breath and to stay with me. How it was waiting in that damned waiting room for hours not knowing if I would ever see you or hold you again."

The intensity of his feelings bubbled over and she could see tears threatening.

"I don't care about any plans we made. All I care about is you, Quinn, and AJ. I have a wonderful family. I've already been given so much more than I deserve."

"So, you're not upset?"

"No, never. I couldn't…I can't lose you Emmie."

He lowered his head and rested his forehead on hers. They both felt like a weight had been lifted from their shoulders. After a long embrace, Clay scooted forward and stood up, lifting Emma with him. She squealed slightly and threw her arms around his neck.

"What are you doing?"

He dropped a kiss on her nose.

"Carrying my wife up to bed," he chuckled. "C'mon. Let's get some sleep before Little Man wakes up wanting to eat again."

Emma leaned her head on his shoulder and laughed as he mounted the stairs.

"I love you Em."

"I love you too."