Note: Thank you to Vigatus for letting me know that something went wrong with the upload. The technical issue with this chapter should be fixed now. Enjoy!
We fall into a more comfortable silence on our approach to the pond. Sora still seems to be a bit lost in thought, leaving me with time for more ponderings of my own. And I find myself enraptured by a single overpowering thought, or rather a sensation. Sora being physical with me is absolutely nothing new. We have been best friends since we were in the single digits of age. When we were eleven we spent months surviving in the digital world with the other Digidestined and our Digimon. Sora and I learned to really rely upon one another, in a way that I honestly believe most people will never experience; facing adventure, friendship, peril, and death every day. When I think back to it Sora was always right there beside me. I learned to trust all of the Digidestined with my life, but Sora was the only one that I trusted from the very start of our journey; a bond which grew ever stronger during our time together. Though it was years ago, I still remember almost each and every moment with her like an imprint on my soul. From high fives, a pat on the back in conjunction with words of advice, holding onto each other for protection in a dangerous situation, to napping in the grass together on a warm afternoon; Sora's touch is something I have grown quite accustomed to.
Even in recent years: Sora will often lean on me, nap on my shoulder, put a hand on my back in a show of support, or give me a hug if I have not seen her recently. But despite all of these fond memories, I struggle to remember the last time Sora and I walked side by side with our fingers intertwined. Middle school perhaps? If so...that would be almost a decade ago. Yet now Sora has held my hand twice tonight; and not just for a brief moment but minutes at a time. It sends genuine shivers down my spine just to think about. Twenty-two years old and she is still somehow giving me butterflies. It makes me almost wish I was barehanded right now despite the cold, but her contact even through my gloved hand causes me to almost disregard the frigid temperatures entirely.
I'm overthinking it...I must be. Sora is simply reaching out for support tonight, support from her best friend. Why else would she be holding my hand? Tonight hasn't exactly been romantic. I messed up earlier and Sora, generous as she is, is giving me an opportunity to make up for it. That is all it is… She has always been good to me, I need to be good to her too; dredging up feelings of being a lovesick teenager is not what's going to help Sora tonight. And so I am determined to focus on Sora's own wellbeing, over my own confused feelings for her; regardless of whatever drunken mental gymnastics my mind conjures up this evening.
I look back to the sidewalk before us, in my moments of absentminded reflection I would not have been surprised if I walked straight into a lamp post. I became lost to the feeling of her hand and the rhythm of our stride. Looking around, the sudden lack of building density is quite noticeable. The mimicking urban nature of Tokyo University is fading, giving way to the natural landscape that surrounds the popular park; bringing with it a peaceful sense of earth that even someone like me, born and raised in a metropolitan area, can find deeply relaxing.
The two of us have always loved athletics and the outdoors, in fact soccer was quite probably the first thing we ever bonded over as children; adventuring and physical activity came naturally to us. We were big fans of camping as well, which is what would lead both of us to summer camp on that fateful day eleven years ago. Little did we know that it would go from a simple day of camp to the greatest adventure of our lives, an Adventure unlike anything humankind had experienced before. We greatly enjoyed both the physicality and the natural beauty that would come to surround us in the digital world. That love of nature and the adventure never truly left us, even if we do not have as much free time to go exploring these days. We love Tokyo, naturally as it is our home, but there is something to be said for the majesty of the outdoors. It is something I find myself missing somewhat regularly. This all the more reason why I cannot think of a more idyllic location near campus for an impromptu stroll with Sora, even at this time of year.
In the spring, summer, and early autumn months hundreds of locals and tourists alike can be seen visiting the pond. It is one of those magical spots around Tokyo within which the natural beauty of Japan is on full display. Sakura trees, lotus flowers, rental boats, feudal era shrines, cormorants, and koi fish; compounded with the fact that it is within walking distance of arguably the best university in Japan, it is no wonder why the area has become such a popular attraction. Over the past few years while studying here, I would occasionally get up at the crack of dawn and jog around the pond before the crowds arrived. Sora would sometimes join me as well, especially when we were first years; we would sit on a park bench after our morning work out and just talk about anything that came to mind until it was time to head to class.
I remember sitting next to her one spring morning in particular, and feeling so fortunate that Sora decided to go to the same university as me. Even when we were just too busy to hang out, knowing she was only a few blocks away really helped to make campus feel like home. Although our relationship has evolved and gone through various strains and phases, Sora has remained one of the few constants in my life. Sure sometimes we fight, or become so preoccupied with life that we do not talk for weeks on end; but in the end I know that when I really need her, Sora will be there. Or...at least I hope so. That's how it's always been with us. But can two people stay childhood best friends forever? This line of thinking, unlike some of my other negative musings this evening, is nothing new. I often wonder if Sora and I are running on borrowed time. Just like Agumon and I...I used to think it would all last forever.
"Taichi...is everything ok?" Sora's voice instantly breaks me out of my stupor.
My senses seem to return to me and I quickly remember just how cold it is. I look at her but we are far enough from the nearest street lamp that the colors on her face have become muted by shadow. "I'm holding up alright, why do you ask Sora?"
"Well because you suddenly stopped walking for one thing…" Pointing out the now obvious fact that we are indeed standing still not far from the park entrance. "Also because this is the third time I had to call your name. And… well you whispered Agumon's name just now."
"Oh" Is the only reply I can muster for a moment. "I'm sorry Sora. I think I'm still a bit drunk from the party."
"I can tell," She says, but her voice is entirely free of judgement. "I really miss Piyomon too." She says before wrapping herself around me in a warm and reassuring hug. I am a little shocked by the sudden contact but after a moment I return the hug; wrapping my arm tightly around her upper back. "Should we turn around, we really can go on a walk another time, Taichi. I'm worried about you being drunk and out in the cold. I think I have put you through enough tonight."
"No Sora please, I would really like to go to the park with you so long as you are still up for it. You are...I mean making sure that you are ok is important to me." I feel totally embarrassed for my inebriated behavior, but something inside me is telling me that I should not throw away this one on one time with her.
She looks at me, perhaps a bit stunned by my words but then nods enthusiastically. Fully releasing me from the hug now, she tugs gently at my arm and we continue to walk towards the park sign.
Not wanting to be left in brooding silence again yet not wanting her worrying about me, I decide to chat but am determined to change the subject. "So Sora, how have classes been lately?"
"Yagami Taichi" Stating my full name rather sternly. "You already asked me this at the restaurant. Don't tell me you were ignoring me before?"
I raise a hand in defense and begin to stutter an attempted apology.
"I'm only teasing" She says, sticking out her tongue slightly. "Someone had a bit more than he can handle, I can let it slide...this time." She states this final utterance with part jest part threat. If you did not know Sora that well you might think her serious. But even in my intoxicated state I recognize now that she is only attempting to get a reaction out of me and lift my spirits.
"Go ahead, continue to torment your poor drunk best friend, why don't you?" I whine dramatically.
"You're right Taichi, it's simple enough to get one over on you when you are sober; this is just too easy." She chuckles softly, throwing off the pace of our walk.
"Hey I resent that!" I say joining her for a laugh. In the meantime we step onto the loose gravel pathway that leads to the pond itself. Pebbles shifting loudly beneath our athletic shoes.
After her chuckle subsides she continues "In all seriousness classes are going alright. I mean I'm doing well grade wise, even if I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed with all of these projects and exams. Sometimes I still feel a little lost in it all."
"Yeah I feel that Sora, I mean I still get jittery before an exam, even if I am well prepared for it. And the papers jeez, I never knew you had to write so much in political science. I just submitted a 20 page essay plus citations this week."
"You're a really good writer though Taichi, I should know, you've had me proofread a handful of your essays since we were in junior high. Not to mention that you've helped me with plenty of my writing assignments as well. I know you still get a bit anxious with writing assignments but you should have some confidence in yourself, you're a better writer than I think you like to give yourself credit for. Anyway, better that they have you writing than drawing." She cuts the sweet compliment with a sudden low blow.
"I'm not that bad of an artist!" I reply energetically.
"Uh huh…" She mouths simply not even bothering to turn towards me this time.
"Sora!" I fume at her.
"I seem to recall a certain someone trying to make us a map of File Island in the Digital World...I also seem to recall not being able to tell a lake from a mountain." She laughs louder this time.
"I was eleven! Besides we were lost, someone had to help us find our bearings!" But this only makes Sora laugh harder.
"Ah yes and we never got lost again after that day…oh wait" She announces sardonically.
Self conscious as I am currently feeling, I experience a short-lived temptation to take her comment personally. But I know Sora, teasing is often part of our dynamic. Especially when coping and trying to get our minds off of other things. "You never know Sora, maybe that map will end up in an art history museum one day."
"What? As history's most peculiar map?" She chortles. At that I can't help but to laugh a bit.
"Funny funny." I feign a cartoonish annoyance.
Sora starts laughing a sweet, almost hysterical laugh now. "Hey Taichi? Do you remember the time that Koushiro's laptop wasn't working, and you tried to fix it by just smacking it?" She pauses as her laughter grows. "Poor Koushiro, I think his life flashed before his eyes when you grabbed it out of his hands. You tried the same thing on Andromon when we found him shut down in that old factory."
"Hey it used to work on our old tv! A good thawk on the box and boom, image back to normal. My parents still have that tv too." I say defensively, knowing that those weren't exactly my best moments back in the Digital World.
"Yagami Taichi grandmaster strategist." Her hands form a rainbow shape as if the title were about to magically appear before her as her laughter slowly subsides.
"I guess I really did mess up a lot as everyone's leader didn't I?" I say struggling to conceal my melancholy.
Sora's tone shifts slightly, but remains light in nature. "Oh come now Taichi who wouldn't have, we were elementary schoolers lost in a strange world without adults, we only had our Digimon backing us up. I'd say we did pretty amazing all things considered. I tease Taichi, but you know there is a reason I always backed you as leader of the group, and I never once regretted that decision; even when I would at times get mad at you or disagree with your stance on something."
Was I really worth your support though? "Thanks Sora" I respond a bit quietly "You always did have my back, and you were there when I needed you most."
"And you always had mine, especially when it really mattered. You really believed in me Taichi, in a way nobody, not even my family did. You just had those natural leadership instincts, and pushed us all to victory. Even as a kid you really were a hero." Her tone is intensely genuine and I hear her words, yet for some reason I am moved to strenuously doubt them. I keep my misgivings to myself though. All I ever did was force you to fight and put you in danger, Sora. Don't you see that?
Just when I think she is finished, Sora continues her impassioned flow of praise. "You know sometimes I wonder how we ever could have saved anything without you. What I ever would have done without my best friend there. When I look back on those days, some of my strongest memories are of you pushing us to do what was right; inspiring us. You took eight uncertain kids far from home and turned us into a team. That's why all of us, even Yamato, looked up to you, even if he didn't always want to admit it to himself. I for my part was always happy to just back you and the others up." I should be moved by my best friend's near-rambling admiration, but I feel uncomfortable and exasperated. I'm starting to question if it really is just the alcohol giving me grief or something deeper than that. But she still continues. "Sorry, a bit of a rant I guess. But you know what I am trying to say Taichi. You really pulled through for us and I guess hearing you call out to me in the stadium before made me nostalgic, it reminded me of the time that you rescued me from…" Not that!
"Sora...you realize I... we never would have made it through back then without you right? We probably would not be alive today without you." I turn to her rather seriously.
"Taichi...no, I'm not saying I didn't pull my weight but come on I'm sure you would have pulled through."
"Remember the time when Agumon and I were almost tricked into eating poison mushrooms, and you got word to us just in time. Right then and there I would have been dead on the spot."
"But if I hadn't gone missing you wouldn't have..." She seems surprised by my intensity but I press forward.
"And what about when Agumon, Jo, Gomamon, and I got locked in the castle by Mimi. Who showed up to help bring Mimi to her senses so we could continue our journey?"
"Mimi would have come around, plus I was only making up for..." I cut her off again, losing all patience suddenly to hear Sora underplay her own importance.
"What about when you tried to talk sense into me when I forced Agumon to dark digivolve. Then there was that time you and I saved Jo on that mountain top, I never would have made it up there safely by myself. Also that time that you and Piyomon protected the entire group from Vamdemon. Or how about when the group literally broke apart without you. Not to mention the fact that you brought the others back to fight against Piemon. And did you think Yamato never told me about how you tried to fight off several Digimon by yourself in order to protect Hikari? Shall I go on? I really fucking hate it when you make it sound like you didn't matter, like you don't matter. Yet, you talk me up as if I knew what the hell I was doing…You are standing here calling me a goddamn hero, after admitting how much I always fucked things up; meanwhile here you are discounting your own merits once again and putting me on a pedestal. You give me praise I don't deserve but won't give yourself the slightest amount of credit for all the amazing things you've done? Why are you like this?" I never cursed at Sora, literally never in my life before now. I want to shut up already, I can hear my own voice echoing painfully in my head, it's cold and abrasive. Why am I being such an asshole, she already isn't feeling good tonight. Why the hell did I just do that!
I look over and unsurprisingly there are tears in her eyes. She gazes at me like a deer in headlights and seems to almost wince. "Taichi...I didn't mean to suggest…" She pauses with a deep heart-rending inhale as if she was struggling to breathe. She really isn't much of a crier normally, Sora is honestly tougher than most, but she was already feeling unusually vulnerable and then I had to go and tell her off. Why am I such a jerk!? "I was just trying to express that you are important to me, that I always appreciated…" She pauses again and my heart drops in my chest. "You were being so sweet just a minute ago...I just don't understand Taichi...I'm sorry...I should go." She starts to turn to walk away.
My breath leaves me, I feel like I'm going to collapse under my own weight. Why do I have to fuck everything up, why can't I just be the hero she thinks I am? I do something completely out of character then, but I'm already acting unlike myself so what does it matter really? I throw myself on my knees in front of her. The pebbles of the walkway dig into my knees agonizingly through my jeans. I see her head snap back to me, a result of the sound caused by my body slamming into the ground. "Sora...wait please!" I can feel tears forming in my eyes now. "What I just said, it didn't come out right. I even recognized as I was speaking that I should have stopped. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry. You've already had a rough night and I'm just fucking making it worse. I'm always making it worse aren't I? I...I just wanted to help, but I can't even do that right. There's nothing wrong with you Sora, it's me who has the problem, it has always been me. Please don't let tonight end like this." I whimper like a tantruming child and I slam a half curled first into the gravel. It stings surprisingly badly, but I feel that I deserve the pain. I'm losing my damn mind, like a floodgate broke inside me and I'm suddenly drowning in my own negative thoughts.
The next thing I know one of Sora's arms is around my trembling form, the other is grabbing my gloved fist, ensuring that I do not continue to hurt myself. "Taichi, you are scaring me. In twenty years I have never seen you like this. I've seen you upset, angry, down in the dumps sure, even cry on the rarest of occasions, but what's with this harshness? I don't understand, what is going on with you?" She whispers to me.
"I don't know...I really don't." I say, which is at least partially true. "I was so happy and so excited when you asked me to go on a walk, I was sure you would be angry at me for what happened at the party. You ran away from me because I was being a terrible friend. I thought you would send me away back at the stadium, but for some reason you didn't. Of course even when you gave me a chance to make recompense after I embarrassed you in front of everyone, I'm too drunk and stupid to know how to be a good friend to you. And when you started complimenting me like that, Sora I just don't deserve it. And nobody, not even the other Digidestined, give you enough credit for how you helped us back then, how you helped me. I got angry, not really at you but at me I guess... I don't know. I messed up your Halloween, I forgot to sit next to you, didn't notice till too late that something was wrong, pretty much put a spotlight on you when you were crying, and attacked guys who were just trying to help you out. Yet here you are not thirty minutes later, talking about how amazing I am? What gives? " I fumble with my words as I rant to my best friend. Drunken guilt radiates from me as I feel compelled to relinquish my internal feelings.
She is silent for a moment but continues to hug me. I take it as a better sign than her running away from me again. But even now I feel I don't deserve her contact, her warmth. "You dummy" she says suddenly, I can't see her face as she now has my head pressed firmly against her chest; but I do not have to see her to tell that tears are streaming down her brilliant features. "Your sister is right, you really are oblivious sometimes." I can't tell if she is sobbing, laughing, or both.
"Sora I'm sorry, I know sorry probably isn't good enough but I don't know what else to say right now. I just…" I continue to ramble.
"Taichi I'm not mad at you!" She pulls back from me now looking me in the eyes, wiping away lines of fresh tears. "And I wasn't even mad at you at all this evening, not once. Is that really what you have been thinking all night?"
Not mad at me, what is she talking about? "But Sora, what about all the issues I caused for you tonight...besides you ran away from me, you said so yourself."
She maneuvers her hand behind me, up to the base of my head; gently stroking my hair as she does. "I did run away from you Taichi. I knew you would follow me out of the clubhouse so I ran." She says looking me squarely in the eyes. "I ran away because I did not want to ruin your night anymore than I probably already had."
"Ruin my night, Sora, what the heck are you talking about?" I say, truly bewildered now.
"I could ask you the same exact thing Taichi!" Sora says a little accusatorially and looks somewhat vexed, yet she continues to rub the back of my head in small circles despite this. She sighs then. "Perhaps we both jumped to some unfounded conclusions this evening." She crouches there silently for a number of seconds, continuing to hold me until she speaks again suddenly with a resolute expression. " I know you're a little drunk right now, but I want you to promise me something; no more silly fighting tonight, no more drama between us ok? If we have something bugging us, we can talk it out. Please..." Her voice is firm yet filled with emotion and she seems to plead the last part.
I'm surprised by the request, but I do not hesitate. "I promise Sora...and I'm really sorry for going off on you like that. Drunk or not, it was entirely uncalled for."
Sora slowly rises then offers me her outstretched hand. "Come on Taichi, stand up. Kneeling like that cannot be comfortable."
I don't argue the point, after the briefest hesitation I place my hand in hers and she helps pull me up off of the gravel pathway. "Thanks Sora." I say brushing off my jeans. I wince suddenly and notice a large streak of blood left behind on my right pant leg.