"Taichi?" Sora calls my name; clearly perplexed by my lack of response. Panicking now, ashamedly I look for an out to the line of questioning. After glancing around, I recognize that we recently left the park grounds and so I try to change the subject.
"Speaking of things that should be confronted, not buried, we should probably discuss tonight's events before we wind up back at your place in no time. I'm sure your roommates are just as wiped out as we are, they may not appreciate our very early morning chat." I say while directing her attention to the fact that we are heading back towards the outskirts of campus. It's a cheap trick and dishonest to attempt to distract my best friend from the current topic like that; I honestly feel horrifically guilty as a result. Throwing her situation under the bus so I can avoid addressing my fears. Real fucking smooth Digidestined of Courage. I think berating myself once again, but this time assuredly more deserving of self-hate.
Sora looks at me with a strange expression. Like a mix of frustration and sorrow perhaps. Is she going to call me out on my bullshit? I wonder silently to myself. She glares at me for a moment with her face scrunched up as though she is analyzing me through the gloom of the night. I brace myself for her warranted reproach of me and my obvious changing of the subject, yet it never comes. She simply lets out an audible sigh. "I suppose you're right Taichi," Sora says at last. "I did say we could discuss it on the way back. So where should we begin?"
Right now I'm not sure if Sora simply didn't notice my lame deception or perhaps was simply determined not to fight me on it. Either way I feel really bad. But considering that I do genuinely want to discuss the events of this evening, this after all being the reason we are out here in the first place; and because she seems receptive enough, for now at least I plan to continue us down this topic of conversation. Yet how do we properly broach this delicate subject? I wonder to myself.
I ponder in a low muttered contemplation to myself for some seconds, and Sora silently watches me as she awaits my response. "I suppose we might as well start at the beginning when this night first went off the rails. I'm sorry for not having saved you a seat next to me at the soccer club, it was just me being drunk and absentminded and I feel really bad about it. Were you seriously not mad at all about that? After all, Sora, you went out of your way to ask me on our way to the clubhouse."
Sora seems to ponder to herself now, as if replaying the events in her head. The streets are darker here on the very outskirts of the college grounds and we take our steps carefully to avoid incidents as we approach the partially lit campus area. We are probably less than a kilometer away from campus streets when Sora begins to speak without turning to me. "Honestly Taichi, my mind didn't linger on it for very long. Was I a little frustrated in the moment? Sure, but I wasn't actually mad at you. You just got caught up in the moment of the party; wanting to find a good seat for the film. It's not as though you intentionally snubbed me or asked Misaki to sit next to you. Also it isn't as though Misaki intentionally got between us; having had no idea we planned to sit together. She sat on the far end of the table from us during dinner, so perhaps she just wanted to spend some time with us before the holiday ended. Knowing her she would have totally moved if we asked, but I would have felt bad making a big deal out of the situation. In other words, it was a little slip up and one you obviously didn't intend."
Listening to her response I cannot help to think of how much we have both grown since fighting over a hairclip all those years ago."And while I wholeheartedly appreciate the forgiveness and understanding in the situation." I admit softly but wanting to touch up the issue at large. "My screw up left you stuck towards the middle of the sofa with students on the ground in front of you, leaving you with no easy exit from the room. So when something upset you, you didn't exactly have that many options to address the situation. It was indeed the film that freaked you out I'm guessing?"
Sora simply nods but in a somewhat exaggerated fashion making it easy to detect even with the limited streetlight.
"You never said why you wanted to sit next to me when we talked about it after dinner, but looking back on it now it seems pretty obvious that you were hoping I'd be there to have your back during the film, maybe get you out of there if need be. Like me you don't exactly enjoy horror movies and I've known that for a longtime, but I wasn't taking your needs into account like I should have been. You expected your best friend to be there for you and I let you down." I am about to continue but she cuts me off this time.
"That's a great theory Mr. Holmes." Sora says with a hint of annoyance. "Except for the fact that my asking you to sit next to me had nothing to do with the film!"
"Wait really?" I utter with earnest surprise.
"Yes really!" She responds still a little aggravated by my assumptions; but her tone softens then. "You're right that I dislike horror movies of course but I was enjoying our party so much that the film hadn't really come to mind. I asked you to sit next to me because I wanted to sit next to my best friend. Like we've already addressed tonight, we haven't exactly hung out one on one too much in the last several months. Maybe it's foolish since I still see you at least once a week most weeks, but I guess I've just been missing you Taichi. So I figured we could spend a bit more time together if you didn't mind."
"I'm sorry Sora, I didn't mean to assume. Just based on what happened, I figured you were counting on me."
Sora sighs slightly now. "It's not like I don't understand your train of thought, it was a fairly sensible conclusion to come to, but you shouldn't go beating yourself up about something like that, especially when you don't even know the whole story. I seriously admire you looking out for me Taichi, but given that we are both in our twenties now I should be able to handle myself in a social setting; especially amongst friends. And I should certainly be able to manage sitting through a scary movie with those friends for a single night of the year. I'm positive I wasn't the only one who is not a fan of horror movies at the party, after all you and I weren't alone in voting against the film; yet I was the only one who couldn't just sit through it, who made a big fuss over it. In fact you don't really like horror movies either, but you being you, toughed it out for the sake of the group. All it took was a bit of bravery and knowing your friends were having a good time. I tried to be courageous like you and well we all saw how that ended up. I wonder if they even got to..."
I have no intention of mocking Sora's feelings, but I cannot help but to chuckle at her mention of me "manning my way through the film", cutting her off suddenly with a reflexive laughter.
Sora looks at me bewildered. "You're the one who asked me to open up about tonight, to talk about my thoughts and reasonings...yet now you're ridiculing me!" Her tone is a mix of hurt and rising anger. "Of all people I thought maybe I could talk to you Taichi, but after all these years you're still making light of my feelings!" She starts speeding her way up the pathway, not running but walking at a very fast stride. This appears to happen so quickly that honestly it takes a moment for my mind to process her reaction.
"Wait Sora!" I say sobering up from the unintended laughing fit. "It's seriously not what you think!" I say pushing my body to match her speed; this against building aches and pains of my sore feet and muscles.
"Why do you have to be so weird sometimes, I thought we were really behind that childish fighting of ours. I thought we were having a moment." She whispers the last part sadly.
"Sora please, let me explain I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing at myself!"
Sora stops suddenly and takes a deep and heavy breath. "Calm down...hear him out" I hear her mutter to herself under her breath. Before addressing me in a rather vexed tone. "What do you mean Taichi?"
I stop next to her and lock eyes with her. "Like I said only minutes ago, I have a hell of a way of putting my foot in my mouth with you and you know it." Reading her expression I can tell she agrees yet does not want to admit it. "It's ok you can say I'm a screw-up, I deserve it. I may tease you sometimes Sora, and sometimes I definitely push your buttons in moments when I should know better. But I hope you trust me enough to believe me when I tell you that I would never try to intentionally belittle your feelings. Think about it, I have been worried sick about you all night and already said I felt guilty about my role in all of this." I watch as her expression softens yet her cheeks are still flush with embarrassment. "I'm worn out and still sobering up, you alluded to something that made me laugh, but I swear Sora I was not laughing at you."
"So what the heck were you giggling about? Spit it out Yagami!" Sora uses my last name sternly and impatiently, struggling to hide that she is clearly more intrigued than angry now.
"Well…" I say scratching my cheek awkwardly, not really sure how she will react. "You were talking about how brave I was during the film, but to tell you the truth I was just drunk and completely zoning out. I uhh couldn't even begin to tell you what happened in the movie. I know mine was the crest of courage, but I think in this case it would be more akin to the crest of daydreaming."
She squints at me briefly before her gaze changes into one of wide eyed bewilderment. Her mouth agape for a moment before the muscles around her mouth pull into a wide grin, and then after a few seconds Sora loses it, laughing hysterically on the quiet university sidewalk.
"Ok now who is laughing at who!" I'm a bit flustered and thrown off by her reaction, laughing perhaps the hardest that Sora has laughed all night. Perhaps even overkill for the situation, but it seems that I really caught her off guard.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Sora chokes out between her furious laughing fit. "You always had your head in the clouds Taichi, but that...that is a different level." I can see that she is trying her best to control this sudden outburst; fortunately for us the academic offices which we approach are almost assuredly vacant at this hour. " between that blaring music and those blood-curdling screams and shrieks...jeez, only you could daydream during like the world's most gruesome slasher flick! If the gore and special effects weren't bad enough, Kazuki had the volume cranked up so high I swear students walking by the building must have been able to hear the movie. Probably freaked them out too." Sora's laughter begins to subside and she gains control of her voice after taking a deep breath. "How you could ever manage to just drown something like that out and day dream, well perhaps it's just one of those unique things about you, a great enigma. Kind of reminds me of you in grade school to be honest, there you would always be with eyes out the window. And if the teacher inevitably called on you I would do my best to cover for you...not to say I minded coming to the rescue when I could. Still…I used to wonder how you could zone out during school the way that you did."
"Yeah yeah I know…" I sigh audibly, feeling embarrassed, yet simultaneously find myself quite relieved to see Sora laughing again. I pause for a moment thinking back to those days. "To be fair, it wasn't exactly easy coming back to a normal life after adventuring in the Digital world. It was hard to focus on math or history when I knew that Digimon and untraversed lands were out there, practically waiting for us to explore..."
Sora lets out something of a sharp exhale, as though perhaps she regrets her outburst of giggles. Not that I really minded of course."That does put things in perspective. In hindsight I understand Taichi, I suppose I always knew it to some extent. You especially really found your niche in being a digidestined; then we had to just go back to being normal school students at the end of summer. No Digimon or quests, just lectures and exams. It was quite an adjustment for all of us….I'm...sorry I snapped at you." She says bashfully.
"And I'm sorry I laughed when you were just trying to have a serious conversation with me. It wasn't the time or the place for such a reaction, especially not without some kind of explanation first. I know I must be beginning to sound like a broken record but I'm very sorry Sora."
"You don't need to apologize Taichi, I'm the one who broke my own promise about us not fighting anymore tonight. I was just so shocked when you started laughing, I guess I wrongfully assumed the worst. At this point I really should know that I can trust you with my feelings, yet it can be difficult to discuss these things all the same. Silly as it may be I thought perhaps that you were mocking me...But you're sobering up and you're exhausted, not to mention the fact that the only reason you're out here well past two in the morning is because you went looking for me. The reality is I need to stop giving you a hard time so often, I was just feeling vulnerable and I reacted a bit...more than a bit harshly…" She mutters with glum disposition.
"It's ok Sora really, it isn't as though your anger with me isn't often justified. Sometimes I swear I lack any and all situational awareness with you, despite being your best friend for like twenty years." It dawns upon me that my rude laughing bout cut off the entire point of the conversation. "Wrong or right, I still interrupted your train of thought, I would like to hear the rest of what you have to say, assuming you don't mind?"
She shrugs at me then "I don't mind at all Taichi, but honestly I can't remember where I left off and feel like I was more or less finished with the thought anyway. Is there something else you wanted to ask about?"
I give her a cursory glance before running my uninjured hand through my rather lengthy tuft of hair; mulling over the potential questions I could ask her. "There is in fact. Perhaps it should be rather obvious but I would like to hear in your own words, why exactly did the film upset you the way that it did. I'm seriously not judging but I know you Sora, we all have our moments but you aren't exactly a timid, anxious, or easily frightened person. I mean heck I don't think I've seen you cry like this since High School. That was when Piyomon temporarily lost her memory and big surprise I was being more than a little oblivious to your feelings at the time."
Sora chuckles slightly to this admittance. "No arguments there."
"So please don't take this the wrong way, but what freaked you out so much about it? I totally get you not liking the film; heck Misaki was clinging onto my shoulder seemingly for dear life when things in the flick got really violent. You obviously weren't the only one disturbed by the movie, even so I haven't seen you that vulnerable and afraid since...since...well I can't even really recall."
"Misaki was holding onto you?" Sora says in a quiet but shocked tone, a much more intense reaction than I would have expected from such a statement.
"Yeah… briefly...not that she realized it though." I laugh slightly thinking back to it. "She was so engrossed in the film that she didn't even notice that she was digging her nails into me until I pointed it out. She was very embarrassed about it but it was clearly an honest mistake.
"I suppose…" Sora briefly responds before trailing often, not even looking my way.
"Sora?" I call her name as I am feeling rather perplexed by the shift in focus and the silence.
"Yes Taichi?" She asks me innocently as if she had not even heard the question.
"I had asked what about the film bugged you so much." I repeat the question to Sora, being sure to be a bit more clear this time. I suppose I'm not the only one feeling fatigued at this point.
"Oh of course...sorry…" She sighs rather loudly now. "It's a bit ridiculous isn't it Taichi, we've faced death defying odds when we weren't even in our teens, but here I am as a young adult terrified of a fictitious story. I was a little creeped out at first, sure, but the film didn't become a real problem to me until the killer started...torturing that poor girl...she was screaming and begging for mercy but...they just wouldn't stop… I wanted to leave the room that instant; I wanted to be literally anywhere but the soccer club. I tried to be brave for you and for the others but the more the movie continued the more the characters were suffering. I tried to tell myself that no one was actually getting hurt, but it was all so visceral and graphic. Closing my eyes didn't help either because I could hear them. Those screams just...felt so real. It...was as if they were calling out to me to save them, yet I was powerless to do anything about it...just like…" Sora steadies herself then, taking a few deep breaths.
"Take your time Sora, I'm listening. Just like what?" I ask with as patient of a tone as I can muster.
"Just like...everyone we lost back when we were the Digidestined. The ones we couldn't save... Whamon, Pixiemon, Leomon, Wizarmon, Mr. Oikawa, Mr. Nishijima, and so many others . No matter how hard we fought, tried to do what was right, there was always damage and casualties. How many humans died that night when the power went off in Tokyo? And how many Digimon risked their lives for us over the years? Those Digimon truly cared for us and died so that we might succeed in our mission. I know Koushiro always said that there is still a lot we don't understand about Digimon; that they don't necessarily die the same way that humans do, but it does not change the fact that we may never see them again. As a kid even though there were times when I was scared or times when I grieved, I was able to push past it and fight beside you. As I got older though, the burden of those losses, the weight of that responsibility became almost too much to bear. I cherished our adventures yet I simultaneously felt trapped by our chosen roles. It felt like I was never given the choice as to whether or not I wanted to be a warrior; a so-called paragon of love. Though my eleven year old self might have scoffed at the idea, eventually I yearned for that choice. The ability to simply decide if I wanted to fight monsters. In hindsight...I suppose it was not too dissimilar from the situation with my mother."
"A bit of a running theme in your life I suppose. Wanting to control your own destiny." I mutter thoughtfully. "Not to say that that is a bad thing of course. I think it is something that is probably easier said than done for many people." I follow quickly wanting to clarify that it is an observance more so than a judgment.
Sora simply nods at me before continuing. "You know what followed of course, I slowly decreased my engagement with the team until I was no longer active in my role as a Digidestined. You guys never judged me for it; or at least you never vocalized your judgment if in fact you did. I could tell you never quite understood Taichi...understood why I needed a break from it all. I loved our team, our Digimon, working together to make the world a better place; but at the end of the day there was so much suffering and pain as well. There always seemed to be another fight on the horizon. And the solution to the challenges we faced were rarely easy...sometimes people got hurt no matter how hard we tried. I really enjoyed saving and protecting those who could not protect themselves, but I despised watching others suffer. Sometime around highschool I started to worry that it would not be long before I watched you or one of the others get hurt...maybe even killed." Sora seems to visibly shiver as she speaks of the possibility of one of the Digidestined dying; something that we fortunately have never had to face, despite a few close calls." As Sora says this my mind instinctively shoots back to almost losing Sora at the Pyramid, almost losing Hikari Mugendramon, and even my own near death with Nishijima Sensei.
"I guess the film, fake though it may have been, reminded me of that sense of hopelessness, that inability to save everyone no matter how hard you try. It reminded me of the real horrors that are out there in the world, the people who would torture and kill for whatever sadistic idealogies they have adopted. Whether they be human or digimon it really doesn't matter, there always seems to be someone or something around the corner willing to hurt people to get their way. I mean just look at Menoa for example, I know what she did was horrible but I honestly can't help but to feel a bit bad for her. Nearly driven mad with grief from the loss of her Digimon partner, she was willing to kidnap digidestined and separate them from their families, possibly forever, in a bid to live a fantasy world with our Digimon. If you and Yamato hadn't stopped her, I have no idea what might have happened. Piyomon had already left by that point so I couldn't have joined in the fight if I wanted to, and part of me did want to, Taichi."
I find myself shivering slightly and honestly cannot tell if it is from the cold or the recollection of the events about six months ago. She's not wrong, it was yet another close call. To my shame I almost gave in to Menoa's offer to live in the fantasy program she created. I mean a chance to be a kid again...a chance to be with Agumon and the others forever, it was...tempting.
"In the end I wasn't able to be there for you and Yamato as you faced her. I know you always see me as being very strong and capable, but to tell you the truth sometimes I wonder if it isn't a similar case to your mothers expectations...in other words if I'm not everything you seem to think I am? That perhaps I'm not as brave and heroic as you make me out to be, even with your words this very evening. Tonight I found myself frozen from terror, terror from a fictional story that twenty something other college students were able to handle far better than me. Sitting helplessly on a couch awaiting your rescue; as if I was caught in Nanomon's pyramid like all those years ago." I jump a little from the reference involuntarily. Sora seems to take notice but continues regardless. "It is honestly a little sad to think that I was once the Digidestined of Love that you thought so highly off, and now well I'm Sora Takenouchi who really hasn't done anything heroic in years, half the time is afraid to stand up to her own parents, and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life even as we approach graduation." She sighs loudly once again.
"And before you push back." She says a bit more firmly. "I recognize that we had been through a lot as children. That in order to survive those ordeals and emerge victorious it required devotion and effort, not to mention strength of will. I truly do not mean to downplay my role as part of the team, as what you said before was true. Yet I was never quite sure of myself, and the older I got, to my disappointment, the less confident I became in my abilities; in the team's true need for me. I don't know...maybe I am just being too harsh or...maybe I was just being a coward afraid to face my responsibilities, perhaps I wasn't fit for the role of Digidestined after all. I know you probably disagree with me Taichi, but just look at what happened to us over the years: I missed the fight against Diablomon all because I was mad at you about a gift and wouldn't hear you out when you called…"
"Sora I told you then and I will tell you now, it was just a misunderstanding, if you knew what was happening I know you would have..."
"Please let me finish Taichi!" Sora says a little aggressively, likely not pleased with my little interjection. I feel myself shrink back a bit, I have obviously crossed the line this time by interrupting the point she was trying to get at "Sorry...I just need to get this off my chest…" She takes my renewed silence as a sign to continue. "Tokyo was seconds away from being struck with a nuclear projectile and I should have been there to help you face such a threat, misunderstanding or not. But more than just that, I wasn't around to help all that much during the return of Vandemon, not to mention the fact that Piyomon couldn't reach her ultimate form anymore. When the mutated form of Armagemon reappeared over the Tokyo Bay, I showed up late once again and to my frustration could not do much beyond offer moral support. And like I said, it was the same story six months ago, offering moral support from my mother's apartment as you and Yamato fought for your very lives against Menoa."
Sora breathes out heavily then; presses her hand to her face seemingly out of frustration while collecting her thoughts for a moment. I get the sense that she has more to say, but she is clearly hesitating. "I'm just rambling at this point, but I guess all I was trying to say is it feels like it has been a lose lose scenario for years. I either embrace my "destiny" and fight or sit back, try to find myself, and leave everyone hanging...sometimes it feels like I've let everyone down...myself included." Her voice sounds like it is becoming fraught with emotion once again, and as a result Sora simply shrugs her shoulders and lets that be the end of her explanation. We fall back into an awkward silence as we meander down the broad and still campus avenues.
We walk in this silence for some moments as I contemplate Sora's words. So that's what this is about huh. In context it is all pretty understandable. The pieces are finally coming together in my head. It should have been obvious to me really, Sora wasn't afraid for her own well being, she hates to watch as others suffer; and in a horror film there is nothing you can do but sit back and watch. On top of all that she feels guilty for not doing more, for not being able to do more in the past, even though she did plenty. More than most humans ever have, nevermind most young girls. We've seen individuals in real pain, we've witnessed the death of friends...it must be so traumatic to witness something like that again and not be able to do anything to help. It doesn't matter if it's just actors in a staged scene, it feels real to Sora. Not willing to let Sora beat herself up like this and more than ready to rectify the situation, I muse to myself for a moment on how to best combat these negative assertions of hers; after all I feel she is being far too harsh on herself but also have no desire to spark further argument. Then in a flash, inspiration hits me. I tap my hand gently on her shoulder. "Can I ask you something Sora? It might sound unrelated but it isn't and… it's kind of important to me."
Sora stops in her tracks causing me to stop a few seconds later and turn towards her. She looks up at me, seeming both intrigued and uncertain. Going so far to tilt her head in a cute inquisitive manner as we lock eyes briefly. She does not speak a word but simply nods with the slightest of noises, telling me to ask away.
"Six months ago…during our fight against Menoa…when Yamato and I were surrounded, Agumon and Gabumon knocked down, I grabbed hold of Hikari's childhood whistle and I blew it as hard as I could...when that happened...I...could have sworn…" I stop almost afraid to continue, thinking that the idea is ridiculous, that it must have been my imagination.
Seemingly picking up on my hesitancy, Sora places her hand on my shoulder, grasping me firmly yet supportively; peering straight into my eyes . Despite her downbeat state a mere moment ago, Sora's facial features seem to glow with a remarkable intensity, as if she somehow knows what I am about to say. "...Go on Taichi."
"I could have sworn...that I heard your voice calling my name, like… a loving whisper in the back of my mind telling me that I could do it, that I was strong enough...I know that must sound ridicu…"
"You actually heard me!" She exclaims half shouting half gasping. The sheer volume of her voice breaking the peaceful ambiance of this deserted avenue. I find myself astounded by her confirmation yet violently shaken from the sudden increase in decibels.
Instinctively, I bring a hand to cup my ear and a finger to press my lips in a gesture of silence. I am not certain if anyone is around or awake to hear us, but I would rather not risk us becoming a pariah or having a runin with university security; who would almost certainly be wondering why we are wandering the avenue at 3am. I quickly shush her, to which she moves to cover her own mouth with lighting reflexes, cutting short the exclamation. We both scan the area in case we have attracted any unwelcome attention. After a moment or so it becomes clear that the streets remain empty and the windows of the nearby buildings remain darkened.
"Sorry Taichi." She blushes deeply. "I didn't know what exactly you had in mind, but I certainly wasn't expecting you to drop a bombshell like that on me." She says in an excited yet hushed tone this time.
"So I wasn't imagining things, you really called out to me that night didn't you Sora?" I am still bewildered but am extra careful to whisper now. "But I was locked inside of Menoa's digital program, how is that even possible?"
Sora shrugs in response. "Honestly, I have no idea. I never even stopped to think about how it was possible really. It just...happened. I was at my parent's place alone at the time, staring out the window, hoping against hope that everyone would get through the night safely. Then suddenly I heard the sharp sound of a whistle ring out in the distance. It brought me right back to that night in Hikarigaoka."
I start slightly as my mind instantly connects the dots. "The battle between Greymon and Parrotmon of course. First time we ever witnessed a Digimon battle. Honestly that never even crossed my mind when I was reaching for the whistle, I just realized that we were losing and needed to do something. Good thing I did too because it helped to snap the others out of their trance."
Sora smiles at me warmly before continuing. "There was no hesitation for me, no uncertainty, somehow I just knew it was you Taichi. I could sense that you and Yamato were fighting for your lives and for the lives of others as well. The sound was so familiar to me, as though I had heard it mere days before, as though it was your very own voice reaching out to me from a great distance. It felt as though I was in the middle of a waking dream, after all here I was alone in my mother's highrise, not only many kilometers away from your physical location but technically on another plane of existence at the time. My body was practically frozen in place in front of the dining room window, but I remember quietly crying out your name, almost subconsciously in fact; as if I was naturally returning the call. I think I just wanted you to know how much I believed in you; yet in truth I never anticipated that you might actually be able to hear me that night. I knew you could do it Taichi, I knew you could save everyone; but it did not stop me from feeling so damn helpless. Like I said with Piyomon gone, I felt truly powerless in the situation. I was afraid that once again you were out there facing probable death alone. Afraid that all I could do was stand on the sidelines and believe that you and the others would be ok."
"And yet you were there for me…there for me in my most desperate moment, Sora. It wasn't that I merely discerned your voice mid-battle; Sora you gave Yamato and I the resolve to finish the fight. When I heard you call my name...for the first time since the fight started I became certain that we were strong enough to put a stop to Menoa's plotting. I'm sure you've heard this plenty of times, but in that moment Yamato and I were completely surrounded by the other Digidestined who were being controlled, wounded on the floor and less than an hour away from losing our Digital partners, perhaps forever. I'm ashamed to admit this to you Sora, but I was almost ready...ready to give up; ready to accept Menoa's offer to live as a child again in her digitized delusion. But then I thought of my parents, of Hikari, of Yamato, of Augmon, and...of you. I knew I could not afford to give up, if not for myself then for everyone and everything that I cared about. I could not knowingly accept a lie that would harm the ones I loved, no matter how tempting that lie had become. So I did what I had to do, and like I said instinctively grabbed the whistle. Yet despite my willingness to fight, I wasn't sure if we were strong enough. I hesitated and it was only when I heard the whisper of your voice dance around my ears that I had the strength to trust in my bond with Agumon. Your voice brought back so many memories…memories of us, of the Digidestined, of Agumon. I remembered how no matter how grim things looked Agumon never lost faith in me; never backed down from a fight. Not dissimilar from the way that you have supported me my entire life. In the heat of the moment I didn't stop to question whether it had really been your voice or merely my imagination, I believed that you were out there somewhere supporting me regardless. That same belief I always got from my parents, from Hikari, from the other Digidestined and Digimon. I realized that it was beyond time that I put some faith in Augmon like the old days. Embracing the trust and faith which allowed Agumon to digivolve into a form we never thought possible. A form which reflected the true strength of our relationships with the Digimon. When I grabbed my Digivice at that moment, I thought back to when we were eleven, reflecting on the impact all of you had on my life. I thought about Agumon of course, of the other Digidestined, Gennai, our parents, and the Digimon who helped us...but it didn't stop there. The next thing I knew the memories of growing up with and fighting by your side engulfed me. So much so that it felt like you were beside me at that very moment. In my head it wasn't just Yamato, Gabumon, Agumon and I but you and Piyomon as well. It felt so real… The next thing I knew Agumon was before me in his new form, and Yamato was right beside me with Gabumon. It truly felt just like our fights in the Digital World all those years ago."
I look at Sora who once again has tears in her eyes, yet the quivering smile on her face tells me that my words are having the desired effect.
"Don't you see Sora, despite you stepping back from all the fighting, you never left me...never left us alone in the dark to stumble and fall. You were there for us, like you always have been, like..." I sigh afraid to finish the thought but push through this time. "like how I hope you always will be. You're right Sora, I never fully understood why you more or less retired your Digivice, yet I never questioned for one second your love for us. It was...very frustrating for me in truth, I missed fighting by your side and often found myself wondering if it was partially my fault that you stopped going on missions and eventually stopped attending most meetings as well. I questioned for a long time if I had fallen short as a leader for you, that perhaps I did not give you the encouragement and support you needed as a Digidestined. I was confused…I was frustrated…heck I was even down right sad at times.I mean like I said, I would often wonder if I simply was not there for you like a best friend should be… But never, even for a split second, did I suspect you were acting selfishly or maliciously. Even if I could not understand it I knew you were out there doing what you felt you needed to do; and at the end of the day that was good enough for me.
"Never tell yourself that!" Sora insists before reaching out and gripping the front of my shirt firmly with both hands, I almost stumble backwards from the shock, the fibers of my longsleeve stretching as she practically yanks me forwards while staring straight at me. "…Don't you dare even humor the idea that I walked away because of you Taichi…you, Yagami Taichi, were what made choosing to step back from everything so damn difficult…leaving my best friend to face the weight of the world without me. I always knew that you would be ok at the end of the day, just how capable you were, but that didn't make it any easier for me, you dummy. Next to Piyomon I missed fighting by your side most of all" She practically gasps these words before smooshing her face up against my chest. I find myself so shocked by this display despite everything tonight that I stand there both physically and emotionally uncertain as to how I should respond.
Sora nuzzles her face against my chest, all whilst refusing to loosen her grasp on my shirt. "I did not leave the Digidestined because of you or anyone else Taichi. I left the Digidestined because I was tired of the fighting, but more than that I think I left because I couldn't stand that idea that it was my "destiny" to be a Digidestined. We were similar in many ways growing up Taichi, but the older I got the less comfortable I became with…well basically with everything beyond my relationship to you and the others. My physical and mental capacity to fight monsters, my familial expectations, my long term career goals; whatever they might be, trying to master Ikibana, just coming to terms with the fact that I was growing up. There came a point where even when I went on adventures with you and the others that I would feel awkward and out of place. Not because I felt unwelcomed of course, but because I felt as though I was merely mocking the confidence and adventurous nature of my younger self. Especially by the time we reached high school the fighting and questing felt almost unnatural to me, and I eventually became unsure of myself and even afraid in a way that I had never experienced before. I started to question what role I really had in love, and what role love really had in the team. Heck I used to wish I had your crest growing up, to be able to be the paragon of courage instead of love. Being the Digidestined of love overwhelmed me as a child, and frankly scared the heck out of me growing up. Yet you and Piyomon always gave me the confidence boost I needed back then to keep going. I looked up to you, wanted to be more like my best friend. But I'm not like you Taichi, not in that way, even though you seem to think that I am. I used to tell myself that I could be brave, but when push came to shove, where did that lead me?"
"I can say with absolute certainty that you're not giving yourself enough credit here; and deep down I think you recognize that. Sora you are bar-none probably the bravest person I have met in my entire life." I can already feel her shaking her head to my statement. I need to break through to her, find a way to help her understand. "When my courage failed me after the whole skullgreymon incident, the others clearly did not know how to react or how to help me. I don't blame them for it either, I went from one extreme of being overly cocky to being ashamed and terrified of what I had done. But you Sora, you never lost faith in me for a second, and you pushed me to get back out there again. I can think of a hundred other examples of you being a shining example of courage in the Digital World. But it did not even stop there. On the soccer field, tennis court, or in the school yard; you were always doing what you felt was right, always helping and standing up for people."
I pull back from Sora's grasp, wanting to speak eye to eye; young adult to young adult."You mistake your compassion and hatred of suffering for cowardice, but that could not be further from the truth. You are still the passionate and loving person that you were back then, you've just grown up some, I guess we all have. And those traits which are a part of you never stopped you from doing the right thing in the past. Sora, you have always done right by others it is only natural that you want to do right by yourself too. You paint yourself as the antagonist for exploring your own needs after years of service to others. That does not make you evil and that sure as hell doesn't make you a coward. You don't like gruesome violence in a horror film, so what? We've seen real battle you and I, that's nothing to be ashamed about." I tell her in a tone which even surprises me with its firmness. "We all faced struggles during our time in the Digital World as well as troubles after we finally made it back home. Yet each of us faced our own demons; demons which were unique to us, our personalities, and our situations. Even if your symptoms are different, we all faced and had to work through trauma. You wouldn't shame a soldier for coming home with post traumatic stress disorder and it certainly doesn't make them a weak person. Why should your situation be considered any different?"
"I suppose…" She mutters. "It's just…"
Except this time I opt to cut her off, firmly grasping her shoulders and looking her squarely in the eyes. "It's just nothing Sora. I heard you out like you asked, now I want you to hear me out. I know you looked up to me Sora, but I looked up to you too; so did the others. Stop acting like this is all so one sided. You basically admitted earlier that you helped keep me on the right path when we were young. Helping me be the best leader I could be. Bravery and courage are great characteristics without a doubt. I really like my crest and what it stands for. But let me tell you something that you taught me over the years, Sora. Courage is nothing without love. Bravery is nothing without compassion. If your heart isn't in the right place then all the effort in the world may as well just go to waste. What good is a warrior who does not feel for and protect those around him? Love, real love, can honestly be the difference between good and evil. To tell you the truth, even I felt myself pulled towards a darker road at times, I never walked those paths because you wouldn't let me fall. Besides it's not just me Sora, but you helped every one of us understand just how vital it is to care for those around you. If the Digimon and other Digiestined were here right now, every single one of them would agree with me, and you can count on that fact. You question your affliction with love; and I get that…I know connections and relationships have not always come easy for you. But you underestimate your compassion and dedication; something that nobody, not a single person who knows you well would ever question."
Sora's eyes go a bit wide when I speak. I hope that I am not overdoing it but almost in a frenzy now I continue my impassioned flow. "No Sora, you're not like me I suppose. But you never needed to be just like me and never should be for that matter. You are your own amazing person and that's exactly what I love about…" I pause "I mean to say what I respect about you so much. You don't need to be the Digiestined of Courage, in fact I'd argue being the Digidestined of Love, the heart of the team was a more important job anyway. It was no wonder that you felt overwhelmed. It was truly a lot of weight on your shoulders. A weight that I realize in hindsight I sometimes added to, even though it was never my intention... You've changed not just my life forever, but the lives of countless others. You are able to do things flawlessly that I could never do in a thousand years. You're not just compassionate, but creative, funny, clever, artistic, and so many other things that I would be out here naming them all night."
"Taichi!" I hear her gasp.
"I'm not trying to be tough on you, I know you haven't exactly had it easy in recent years. And I'm not asking you to change the way you view yourself overnight. All I am asking is that you give yourself a break and try to view yourself from the perspective of me and everyone who loves you."
My throat practically aches from the emboldened rant and my overall fatigue. For a brief moment I had forgotten the aches and pains that rack my worn out body. This was my last stand this evening so to speak, I simply don't have the energy or the focus to continue. I can only hope that my words broke through this self-bashing shroud that Sora seems to have cloaked herself in. I continue to stare at her, breathing a bit heavily. I don't notice it at first but Sora seems to inch her face over closer to mine. It becomes apparent once we are mere centimeters apart. I freeze in place and whilst still trying to catch my breath. I can feel her breath flow in short bursts across my cheeks. So close that I can smell her, even after a night of drinking and running around she smells so sweet to me. Kiss her! That little voice in my head screams suddenly…but as much as I want to cross that line…I just can't do it. After a moment she seems to sense my awkwardness and I see a bashful expression spread across her face as well.
For a mere second Sora moves closer still, before swiftly moving her head adjacent mine, and enveloping me in a hug once again. "I will Taichi…I promise you that."
At this my eyes cannot help but to get a little watery. She really does listen to me…care about what I have to say. "That's all I needed to hear."
I'd like to stay here like this but if this goes on at this rate the sun will be up before we make it to her apartment; and Sora clearly has the same thought as she pulls back from me while gently whispering "Come on Taichi, let's go home."
I do not need to utter another word. I take her hand and we continue our walk. Sora had made her point and I had made mine. It feels like a weight has been removed from my entire existence. The events of this evening, good and bad, are behind us, at least for now. There is no need to drag on with conversations of the party. Sora and I simply understand each other, I can feel it. That feeling made the condition of my body easy enough to ignore in the final kilometers of our trek to her dorm. We walk silently across wind swept streets hand in hand, not really looking at or thinking about anything in particular, just being present; here in this moment.
Some time later we slowly approach the modern apartment complex that Sora and many other female students and young professionals temporarily call home. Unsurprisingly the area around the complex is barren and vacant at this late hour. Relieved by the sight I begin moving towards the stairs that I usually take whenever I visit her here. But Sora, thinking ahead of me, gestures to my legs then to the first floor door by the elevators. Without her having to say a word, I simply smile, nod, and follow her lead. From the elevator I stare out of the outer glass wall; which displays the peaceful and beautiful city that surrounds us. The ride up to the fourth floor in the well lit cabin is short but makes me glad that Sora stopped us from climbing up several flights of stairs.
Finally, just as my body feels as if it is about to give out on me, Sora carefully guides us down the corridor along the edge of the building; all the way down to flat 407. Instinctively, I find myself holding onto the railing for support, my body protesting every final towards our goal. I breathe an audible sigh of relief as we make it to the door; not only exhausted but for having been out in the cold for the several hours since we left the party. To this Sora simply looks up towards me and gives me a gentle smile. She then lets go of my hand in order to fish through her pockets in order to address this final barricade. I prop myself carefully against the railing while I wait, but it is not long before I hear the jingle of her keys as they are pulled free from the pocket of her jeans. Sora briefly signals for me to keep my voice down before pressing the key into the deadbolt above the handle. A subtle but audible click presents itself and Sora gently swings open the door.