Chapter Three

Okay. She could do this. There was no reason to panic, right? This all could be solved with just a few clarifying words, no big deal.

But then again, was she allowed to say anything? Or would her memories of everything she loved be wiped like the bad ending of a government-alien conspiracy movie?

Only one way to find out.

Bella turned to the wizard and raised a single eyebrow, hopefully conveying her question without the need to physically say it.

He smirked.

Fine. Asshole.

And so, with visions of tailored suits and neuralyzers, she did what any sensible human being would do in her situation.

She lied her ass off.

Or she would have if two pissed off nude men hadn't come barging out of the tree line behind them at that exact moment.

"What are you fucksticks doing?!"

And it was at that moment that Bella knew this was all some giant cosmic middle finger because as soon as Sam and Paul were about halfway to them, the rest of the pack came stomping out as well.

Naked. They're literally all naked. All of them.

She didn't realize she had spoken out loud until one cold hand cut off her vision and an arm curled around under her breasts to pull her back against an equally cool chest.

"Edward!" She hissed as she tried to pull his hand away from her face. He growled, the sound low but loud next to her ear. She wasn't sure if he finally broke free from the spell or if the wizard had let him go but either way, it definitely wasn't what she needed right now. "Let me go!"

"Not until they put on some clothes like civilized creatures!" Oh for fucks sake.

A distinctly feminine scream of offense erupted from somewhere on her right. Not that she could blame her, shit was going down and not in a good way.

She was still trying (failing) to get Edward off when voices rose up around her.

"My eyes—!" Emmett?

"We had a plan!" Sam, she thought next.

"—it burns!" Definitely Emmett.

"We trained for this! Subjected ourselves to bullshit—" Sam… maybe?

"—what do you expect from leeches—" Definitely Paul.

"—a fucking muzzle! Do you hear me—" Oh no.

"—for it to go to hell!"

"—more step and I will rip it off and feed it to—!"

Bella froze.

The last voice cut off quick, leaving a short but violent echo before it faded completely, without retaliation.

Nothing, save the wind. Complete and utter, blessed, silence.

Footsteps broke the small reprieve and she felt her boyfriends arms disappear in a rush. It took her a few seconds to get her eyes adjusted to the light again but when she did, she almost wished she hadn't.

"You can pick him up," the wizard said, motioning to the long eared honey colored floof at her feet. "I warned him to behave and you know how she is about overbearing types." He winked and faced the majority of the wolves and vampires, who at this point, were all stuck in place.

"Now," he stated as she bent down to grab Edward, cuddling him under her chin. "Let me start off by saying that you are all idiots. You have a gaggle of vampiric mosquitoes coming your way in approximately—" a quick peek at this watch yielded, "thirty seconds. Yes, it is that soon. Tinkerbell over there probably could have told you but instead, here you are arguing like school girls." Normally she'd enjoy this verbal beat down (really, who wouldn't) but the possible outcome of her demise was a bucket of ice water and she realized the only thing standing between her and death's sweet but unwelcome embrace was a woman whom she hasn't spoken to for a year.

Three short pop's welcomed three newcomers, all women, who moved to stand behind the wizard that she still had no fucking clue who he was.

"If I unfreeze you," this was punctuated with a very hairy eyeball, "you will stay out of the way and quiet or so help me I will turn each and every one of you into adorable little animals and put you into a petting zoo. Trust me, you will never be the same."

Oh-kay.

With one last lingering glare, he waved his hand in weird figure-eight like movement and everyone (except her bunny-boyfriend) slumped down slightly with newly recovered movement.

Were they fucking furious?

Absolutely.

Did they all take one wide-eyed look at Edward and realize that yes, the weird and slightly sadistic threat was real?

You betcha.

"Ten seconds!" The three new witches nodded and fanned out in front everyone, about an arm's length away from each other.

"Did you call for more babysitters?" She asked. "I'm not going anywhere."

The man giggled and tucked a wayward strand of red hair behind his ear before leaning closer. "No no, I can handle you," he whispered. "Those three are for your friends. They are, if you haven't noticed already, surprisingly flammable."

The ball of extra soft cotton in her arms tensed, as did the shoulders of every other Cullen.

"Not to worry now," he said, patting her elbow. "Boss Lady rarely ever gets out of control but she likes to be on the safe side. It'd be bad form to let the in-laws burn, wouldn't you say?"

Bella choked as the first wave of crimson eyes broke through.

Hi, don't hate me. I promise we'll get to Hermione soon! She's in the next chapter! But the story in my head plays out like scenes and unfortunately that means it gets written that way. I know it's not ideal but it's the way my brain works. Thanks again for the reviews, follows, and favs! I really do want to know what you think!

(Am I prostrating myself shamelessly for reviews? Yes, yes I am.)