A/N: This chapter contains descriptions of war-related violence and a (non-main character) death.
"Do we have an ETA?" Leia held the headset against her ears. It helped block out the noises surrounding her and hopefully kept her hands from noticeably shaking.
"The transport should be in orbit by 0700 hours standard time assuming they don't encounter any delays." Lt. Onorux's voice was crisp and clear. "We'll notify you as soon as they exit hyperspace."
"I'll reopen the channel then. We don't think anyone noticed our landing but we should restrict our communications in case anyone else is listening."
"Understood." Cyn's voice lowered, sounding almost sympathetic. "I'll be back on shift by then. I'll signal as soon as we've got word."
Leia shut down the communicator and packed it up with the headphones. They would need it again in the morning—a few hours away—but it was habit. She was always in evacuation mode. If they had to leave quickly, everything needed to be in its proper place. She checked the lock on the case then placed it with the other equipment. Leia carefully arranged the cases, lining up the edges and making sure the handles were easily accessed. Every motion, every slow breath, was designed to keep herself steady and avoid looking at him.
She knew he was watching her. Standing a few feet away with hands on hips. She knew he was covered in soot, his jacket sleeve torn. He was hovering and she needed him to stop. There must be something more productive for him to do. Wasn't there someone he needed to cheat in cards? Someone he needed to flirt with or annoy?
"What did she say?" His voice was low, concerned. Was he concerned about her or the mission? She certainly didn't need it. She wasn't interested in anyone's concern or pity.
"Early morning." She kept her gaze on the equipment. "I need to check on Lieutenants Celchu and Ridge."
She started toward their makeshift medical tent.
"Leia!"
She slowed down, turning to speak over her shoulder but still not looking at him.
"Not now."
She moved quickly. She passed the two Rebels from the Laxni base trying to start the fire, nodding silently to them both but not speaking. Han held his place, hands still on hips, watching until she disappeared among the trees.
Things had quieted down but Han could still feel the residual effects of anger and fear in the camp. He switched his gaze to these new Rebels. He didn't know them, barely spoke to them other than yelling out directions in midst of blaster fire. They came from Fron's team, chose to stay and help when the Colonel announced his quick retreat, and were now working out their anger by grumbling and tossing wood into a pile.
The mission had been a mess. As far as Han could tell, it started off well. It wasn't their intel but Leia checked it a dozen times and it looked legit. Their team was brought in from Osler to help out because they had a lot of experience and were paired with a newer team from Laxni. But that idiot Fron fucked it up. High Command, in all their wisdom, put him in charge and he cracked at the first sign of trouble.
He panicked when there were more stormtroopers than expected and threw a fit because Leia and team refused to set the detonators. The place was supposed to be fully automated but the intel either didn't account for the small number of sentient workers or weren't concerned about slave labour in the building.
Leia did a quick pivot and decided they should focus on the storage unit, with no signs of life forms, instead of the factory floor. The original plan was to destroy the means for more production but they would have to settle for eliminating the inventory. They moved quickly to get the charges in place but it wasn't fast enough for Fron. As soon as he saw the stormtroopers move into position, he called for a retreat. Announced his ship was taking off.
Half of them were still inside and they were surrounded. Stuck in a building with detonators about to go off and those stationed outside were face with a line of Imperial troops. Somehow they managed to get everyone out but their ship took on a lot of damage before getting off planet and making the jump.
The ship was small. It was already a tight fit for the six of them, especially when one was a Wookiee, plus the astromech. It was definitely overcrowded with nine crammed in for the retreat. They were almost on top of each other as they attended to various emergencies. Anyone with mechanic skills got to work, making sure the ship held together. They knew they were in trouble but thought they were past the worst of it.
Chewie noticed it first, said he could smell something burning. Blasters, or maybe detonators, had knocked out two of the rear sensors starting an internal fire that spread through the wiring and shorted the engines. R2 plugged into the computer, trying to shut things down but they were too late. There was a loud explosion as the ship slammed out of hyperspace. Celchu, Ridge and Corporal Lyysha were closest to the engine and took on most of it. Han didn't hear about it until later but it sounded like Lyysha was killed instantly.
As soon as Han picked himself off the deck and felt the ship veer sharply, he was in the cockpit. Yelled Move! at the pilot, almost yanking him from his seat, and worked to get the engines back up. He didn't have much luck. Only the aft engine seemed to have any juice but it was enough to drop them on to Jerebu. It wasn't a pretty landing but they made it.
Leia was her usual force of nature. Practically had the camp set up and organized before the ship hit ground. The injured and Lyysha were carried out and they quickly removed anything they might need for their overnight stay. Han and Chewie checked and secured the ship, making sure all fires were out and it was stable, while the others found a place to wait it out.
When he found her again, she was on the comms with Cyn on the Lumen. She looked calm, her voice was steady, but he knew that wasn't the whole story. Fron and the mission fuck up was more than enough to set her off but Leia would also take on the extra weight of two injured and one dead. She would carry that responsibility. Let it slowly eat away at her.
Leia was unstoppable. Strong. Determined. Brilliant. He knew everyone around her fed off that energy. She was their heart and polestar. A rebel machine always ready to fight or provide a rousing speech. Whose focus never wavered. But he knew her tells. It was the set of her jaw, how she held the headphones over her ears. She was trying to stop the cracks from taking over.
Han felt that thing in his chest, a tightening, that hit him more and more when he thought about Leia and he was getting worse and worse at pushing aside.
[We need to get that fire going.] Chewie walked out of the woods still holding his bowcaster in both hands. [It will be dark soon.]
Han looked over at the two Laxni Rebels and their haphazard pile of wood. It wasn't looking promising.
"See anything out there?"
Chewie shook his head. [Climbed a few trees. Didn't see anything in any direction. The droid's scans picked up nothing.]
"That's a positive at least."
[Skywalker's lining up the last sensor on the perimeter. More concerned about animals wondering in looking for food.]
Han looked down at the meal replacement rations piled up near the soon-to-be fire. "Not sure there'll be much interest."
[More concerned an animal will think we're the food.]
"Fair point."
Chewbacca turned to the Rebels attempting to build the fire and growled, loudly enough that they both jumped back. Han chuckled. Wookiees brought out quick reflexes in everyone.
"He's going to show you how to build a fire."
"By all means." One of the Rebels stepped out of the way, happy to give up that particular job.
Han watched Chewie work because he wasn't sure what to do next. There was nothing to repair. The shelters were up. Patrol and watch schedules set. He needed something to occupy himself or he'd go looking for her. He was developing a bad habit of checking up.
He knew when and where to find her on base. Which meetings were likely to piss her off and what token or tea or food from a run might get a smile out of her. He noticed how much she ate. Not only when she skipped her meals, that one was obvious to almost everyone, but those times when she was relaxed and could practically eat a side of nerf all on her own. He made sure he had a supply of foods she liked, maybe something out of the ordinary, for those times when she let herself want and consume.
It was maddening. He was keeping all these mental notes and feeling the smallest sense of accomplishment whenever he broke through. He was walking right into this one when he should be walking away.
[Make yourself useful.] Chewie called to him. [Get wood for the fire.]
"What's wrong with what you've got?"
[Not good for burning.] Chewie broke a small log in two to demonstrate. [Need kindling.]
Han grumbled, something about the Wookiee not being in charge, as he moved into the trees. He scanned the forest floor for fuel, trying to keep his mind off Leia.
She was in the medical tent, doing whatever needed doing, and had been clear about the fact she didn't want him around. Fine. That was just fine by him. It made things easier all around. They were better off keeping to themselves and not pretending they could maintain anything close to a friendship.
Things had been good lately. For the past few months, really. They'd spent time together, often just the two of them, and it was working out. She stopped by the Falcon more, sometimes setting up for work in the lounge, or he found her on her late shifts. They bantered, maybe bickered, but there was a lot fewer fights. They didn't make plans to hang out but seemed to naturally fall into it. Han didn't give it much thought, didn't consider how used to it he was, how much he looked forward to it, until it suddenly stopped.
A few weeks earlier, she stopped coming around. She wasn't in the Command Center or one of the offices when he went looking for her at night. She was dismissive if he did approach her, acted like they'd never had a conversation before. It was the kiss all over again except this one hit harder. Something was there, he wasn't imagining it, and then suddenly it wasn't. It was his fault for trusting anyone, or anything, other then himself.
Han kicked at the ground, displacing sticks and fallen limbs suitable for burning.
"Gotta get through this one." He picked up a few pieces and tucked them under his arm. "One step closer to getting out and moving on."
Despite appearances, Leia didn't move directly to the medical tent. As soon as she was out of sight in the woods, she paused. With one hand on a tree, she closed her eyes and took several calming breaths. She could hear Chewie and Han talking, though she couldn't quite make out what they were saying. It didn't matter, really. She needed to shut everything else out.
She could still smell burning wires and electronics. After the explosion, Luke and R2-D2 quickly put out the fire but the odor lingered. It was in her hair, her cloths, and impossible to escape. She needed a shower. Maybe when they got back to the Lumen, she could take a long hot water shower. Maybe. She would have to make time for it in between debriefings and meetings and preparing for the return to Osler and she didn't want to make promises she couldn't keep, even to herself.
Leia smiled to Wedge when she stepped into the tent, sitting on the small crate near the entrance. She nodded to Celchu and Ridge lying in bedrolls, unconscious, with portable IV packs attached to their arms.
"How are they?"
"They were both pretty agitated and in pain. Ridge was upset about Lyysha." Wedge turned off his datapad and put it in his bag. "But we've got enough pain killer and sedatives to keep them comfortable till we get back to the frigate."
The two men looked peaceful, which was a relief, but Leia was still having trouble letting go of the chaos of the mission, the flight and explosion. She thought they were safe when they made the jump. Thought they had somehow pulled off the impossible. Again. The explosion reminded her everything was unstable, on edge.
For seemingly the twentieth time that day, every time things turned on their head, she had switched to autopilot. They needed to tend to the injured, put out the fire, determine next steps. It was only when they were safely on the ground that she realized she hadn't once considered how the ship was going to fly after the explosion or land. She had instinctively known Han would take care of it. It was one thing she didn't have to worry about.
She took a deep breath, let it out slowly. Her relaxation techniques weren't working. She couldn't stop her mind from spinning.
"Thanks for setting this up so quickly, Wedge."
"Luke helped with the tent." He wanted her to know it was a team effort. "And believe it or not, the Academy had great first-aid and medic classes. I think their reasoning was more take care of yourselves because we aren't going to help you but it's definitely come in handy."
"We should likely add more in-field medic training for everyone on base." She looked at the portable IVs, noting how much was left and when the bags needed to be changed. "I'm sure we could all use a refresher course."
She made a mental note to make arrangements when they were back on base. Assign a medic. Find a room. Schedule classes and ensure that everyone attended one. They might need additional supplies so perhaps an inventory should happen first. Send Han out on a special run if they were low on anything. She would make the arrangements herself. Everyone was already stretched thin, trying to do too much.
Leia knew the looks she would likely get when she arrived with a new schedule and task for everyone to follow. She had their respect but they also considered her a royal pain in the ass. Han was the only one who used that label to her face but that didn't make it less true for everyone else. She had learned to ignore the not again looks that often greeted her.
"Princess." Wedge rested his elbows on his knees. "Do you mind if I say something? Speak freely."
She smiled slightly. "In that case, you should probably call me Leia."
He smiled in return. She wouldn't classify Wedge as a friend but they had a good working relationship. They were certainly friendly. They first met when he defected from the Academy and she was still living at the palace and running secret missions for the Rebellion. But whether it was rank and class, or the distance she held on to with most other beings, there was something of a barrier between them.
"I want you to know, I'm not going to hold back during my debrief." He clasped his hands together. "All of us here are going to tell the truth."
"And what truth is that?"
"That we're alive because of you." He must have sensed she wanted to look away and tilted his head to remain in her line of vision. "That warehouse was destroyed because of you, Leia. Maybe Fron had faith in our abilities, that we'd figure it out, but he pretty much left us for dead. Or prisoners."
"We all played our part."
She looked at Tycho. She didn't feel more responsibility because he was from Alderaan but he served as another reminder. She was learning to live with her loss but wanted to save everyone else that pain. Now Lyysha, her friends and people, maybe Tycho and Ridge were added to that list.
"I get that." Wedge looked at his hands for a moment and then back at her. "But if we didn't have you making those decisions, getting us up and moving, it could have been a lot different. Those few seconds or minutes made the difference."
She nodded again. She appreciated Wedge's comments but they were unwarranted. Her actions put others in harm's way. She should have insisted that only she went in with the detonators. She didn't weigh the odds against the losses.
"I know it's not good to play with what-ifs but we all made it to the ship. Fron should have been covering us. That was the plan. The ship took the pummelling because he left us there."
Leia picked up one of the med-kits and pulled out bandages and antiseptic. Her hands wouldn't shake if she kept busy.
She was furious with herself. She had argued that she should lead the mission but High Command insisted that because it was Fron's intel, he should take charge. General Galadotte claimed the Colonel was ready. High Command brought Leia in, let her build her own team, because they thought she could keep him in line and the mission on track. She reasoned since Fron would command from one ship as she led the in-field team, it would be okay.
But the intel was wrong and Fron didn't know how to reposition. He was angry when she changed the target and seemed to consider the mission a lost cause. Announced his ship was leaving and they could only provide cover if Leia and her team got to the other one right away.
She didn't abandon missions, not when they still had a chance. She had gambled with all their lives to destroy a warehouse of weapons and now it was one more thing she had to live with.
"I made choices the same as Fron." She rolled up her sleeve exposing the gash along her forearm. It wasn't deep but it was long. The shirt material pulled against the already dried blood causing it to flow again. "There's rarely one version on the battlefield."
"We all signed on to fight." Wedge opened an antiseptic wipe for her. "None of us were going to leave if there was still something we could do."
Leia cleaned her wound slowly, giving herself some time to find the right words.
"I like to think the Alliance, members in leadership and High Command, would be receptive to all feedback but I know that isn't the case." She didn't add that she knew that from personal experience. "There are still misguided loyalties and political manoeuvrings. Speaking the truth, your truth, shouldn't be cause for reprimand but I also can't speak for everyone in a position of power."
"I'm not worried about that part. No one here is." He opened the bandage packet and handed it to her. "In fact, those guys from Laxni will probably need to tone it down. They're pretty pissed."
Leia wrapped the bandage around her arm. "I can certainly understand their position."
"There's a bacta shot there." Wedge pointed to the med-kit.
Leia shook her head. "I'm fine. We don't know if the transport will get here on time. I don't want to waste supplies if we're stuck here longer."
She fastened down the end of the bandage.
"I checked. We've got plenty." He reached for the med-kit but she moved it out of the way. "If you got that cut on the ship, you should be careful. High chance of infection."
"I'm fine." She held a hand up when he looked like he might interrupt. "Honestly, Wedge. I'll keep an eye on it. You should go and finish setting up for the night. Get some food. The fire is probably going by now."
Wedge shrugged and stood up. He was almost out the door when he turned around again.
"Leia." He smiled when he said her name like they were in on a private joke. "I'd sign on with you for a mission any day."
The flap closed behind him and the tent seemed suddenly much darker. She turned on one of the portable lamps and started cleaning up and organizing the supplies.
Wedge was right. There was more than enough bacta to last until rescue. She'd never been fond of getting needles but since her Death Star interrogation they gave her an added dose of anxiety. So she avoided them whenever possible. It was easy enough to do. Most didn't question her when she used her this matter is closed voice and, since she was also avoiding Han, no one was likely to question her now.
She ran through the mission again. Considered all the ways they could have moved through the compound faster. Communicated more efficiently. Did she miss a source, something or someone who could have warned them about the additional stormtroopers? The workers in the factory. If she had to live with the consequences of a mission gone wrong, even when they were successful, she wanted to learn from her errors in judgement. She didn't want to miss a single detail. She didn't want to make the same mistake twice.
"Let's go through it one more time." She looked at Tycho so she could at least pretend she wasn't talking to herself. "We need to keep Fron in meeting rooms and away from any campaigns, not insult Galadotte, and keep his uncle, who I still believe could come through for us, on our side."
Leia didn't want to admit it, felt guilt every time it resurfaced, but she was exhausted. As much as she wanted to do everything, be everywhere, she was being torn in too many directions. It simultaneously felt like too much and not enough.
She wanted to be on base, in the action and doing something tangible. It was important that everyone who signed on saw she was just as dedicated.
She wanted to be involved in High Command, influence the direction of the rebellion, use her training and experience to push forward because they weren't only at war, they were building a new world.
Yet it was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain that stamina. To remain hopeful. New recruits were arriving but their financing wasn't keeping apace. The Rebellion was almost officially broke. For every victory, every rallying cry and step in the right direction, they were met with the tremendous, crushing strength of the Imperial Forces. The reports of atrocities across the galaxy were growing. The Empire was indiscriminately killing to keep beings in line.
Leia wanted to curl up in a ball. Hide in her room. Skip work and meetings and shut everything down, turn it off, and hope it somehow corrected itself. But she knew it didn't work that way. It was on her shoulders. Others depended on her and she wanted this job. Truly. Until recently, she could find strength in it but now there was only exhaustion.
She needed to find that space again. Persevere. Persist. Demand. Beings were suffering. Dying. She needed to get her shit together, stop letting herself be distracted, and find a way to put an end to the Empire once and for all.
"Do you have any suggestions concerning creating a network of existing Rebel cells and establishing new cells in underserved areas? I'm happy to brainstorm some ideas."
The two men remained still other than a slow rise and fall of their chests. The tent was quiet other than the soft beep from the portable IV unit.
"No pressure." She held a hand up. "I'm ready whenever you are."
The news about Selhu arrived in the middle of the night. There wasn't anything she could have done. There was no warning. They didn't have intel on the attack before it happened. But she felt guilty. An immense wave of guilt and shame hit her because she was enjoying herself when hundreds of beings were killed and thousands more injured.
She had been sitting with Han on top of the Falcon in the hanger, drinking whisky and pretending to look at the stars. Telling him stories about her early days in the rebellion. The week she spent working with a pirate and his crew. Her first stabs at espionage while in the Senate. They were laughing and he didn't seem too bothered when she tried to pry information out of him. She was relaxed, felt like the Leia she barely recognized anymore. And when she went back to her quarters, she fell into a deep sleep.
She and Rieekan met in the small communications room, Mon Mothma and General Galadotte were linked in from a safe house, as General Dodonna gave his report from a cruiser somewhere in the Treezin System. As far as Central Intelligence could tell, there were no rebel cells on Selhu. There had been no attacks on any Imperial property. A news journal had published an editorial calling for the Empire to vacate the planet and, as a result, a small group of protesters had gathered outside the Imperial garrison.
While it was the middle of the night on Osler, the attack on Selhu started mid-morning. The markets were filled with people, schools full, businesses in full swing. Entire neighborhoods were wiped out, buildings raised to the ground.
"As of an hour ago, we have reports of ground troops moving through the streets. People are being shot without provocation. Transport speeders are carrying away what we think are hundreds of citizens." Dodonna was leaning in close to his comms unit. He looked angry and exhausted. "We have yet to determine where they are being taken."
"Selhu has almost no planetary defenses." Mon Mothma remained calm, controlled, but her voice had an edge to it. "There was no insurrection. The government complied with the Empire's occupation."
"They feed on fear." Leia thought she might have to excuse herself, worried she would vomit. "They believe this will only make them stronger."
In the weeks that followed, there were more attacks using the same pattern. A city or planet with what could, at best, be described as minimal dissent, were hit with immense firepower and citizens arrested. The official news stories claimed Rebel activity and Imperial victory. The Emperor himself, with Vader at his side, release a holo saying he was personally overseeing these campaigns and order would soon be restored.
Leia had given up on sleep. Up until Selhu, things had been improving. She maybe didn't get more than a few hours in a row but they were a reliable few hours. After Selhu, every time she closed her eyes, she felt the panic settling in. If she did fall asleep, the nightmares arrived. They weren't only about the Death Star and Alderaan. New locations and undefined terrors plagued her. She had no recourse, no other solution than to get up and start working again.
Before, if the nightmares hit when on base, she went to see if Han was still awake. He often was and almost never asked what woke her. He and Luke and Chewie knew. They had been together on enough missions or in close quarters and heard her. Luke's solution was to call her name, sometimes shake her, which often increased her anxiety but she was glad to wake up and see Luke's kind face. Han tended to keep his distance. Talk her through it in a calm and reassuring voice. Reminding her where she was and that she was safe. When she woke up after those nightmares, he was usually already gone but she remembered it all.
She didn't seek anyone out anymore. She was too tired. Tired of all of it. The more time that passed, the more Imperial attacks that occurred, the more obvious it became that the Alliance was going to lose this war, not for lack of fighting spirit or participants or just cause, but because they could no longer afford fuel for their ships and food for their members, the angrier she became. Leia didn't understand how anyone could think of her as cold, emotionless, stoic, when all she felt some days was a hot seething rage.
She held it in for the most part. Kept to herself and her datapad when she wasn't required in a meeting or on shift. Performed her duties exceptionally well. Let the numbness take over when she was too tired for the anger. Let the anger fuel her when she needed that extra push. The only noticeable crack in her armor was when the stress proved so great that she had to throw up. It wasn't a serious issue, had only happened twice, but, of course, Han had noticed both times.
Because he was paying attention. Trying to check in while still looking aloof. It was infuriating. She didn't ask that of him. She didn't ask that of anyone. The rebellion needed his attention, not her. She shouldn't factor into the equation at all. She made the mistake of letting him see past her public persona. See the Leia who sat on top of a run-down freighter drinking whisky and laughing about exploits from an extinct world, an extinct life. It was his mistake in thinking that Leia could exist in a galaxy where Alderaan didn't and worlds like Selhu were under attack.
She heard laughter, likely from around the fire. She titled her head, tried to hear the conversation but it was lost to distance and the dark. Her arm stung and she wondered if her wound was starting to heal under the bandage.
"I think I might have another scar coming my way." She wondered if Tycho or Ridge could hear her. She knew some coma patients were aware of their surroundings but being sedated was likely different. "I suppose I'm lucky there's not many excuses to wear a sun dress these days."
Leia adjusted the light and pulled out a datapad from her pocket. It was chillier than expected and she wished she had brought her rucksack. A blanket or sweater would have been nice. Maybe a ration bar. She located the small heater and adjusted the temperature in the tent then settled in to start her mission notes.
Han dropped the wood he'd collected at Chewie's feet. Luke and Wedge were laughing about something and the two Rebels from Laxni were still looking strained and sour. Han could relate. His time in the woods did little to improve his mood.
Luke tore into one of the meal packs and sniffed the food. R2-D2 stood to his side, beeping like he was trying to warn Luke about something.
"At least they aren't expired." He tried a first spoonful and grimaced slightly. "We should bring our own supplies next time."
"Got a lot more concerns about next time than the rations."
He was an older guy, maybe in his forties, and in good shape. His skin had a weather-beaten look, like he spent a lot of time in the sun and wind. He rubbed his hands along his thighs looking ready for something. Maybe anything.
"You look familiar." Han narrowed his eyes at him. "Where you from?"
The Rebel gave Han a quick glance then turned away. He grabbed one of the meal packs and pressed the seal to heat it up. "Never met you before."
"Didn't say we know each other. Said you look familiar." Han trusted his instincts. He recognized this guy. He wasn't getting a bad feeling from him but that didn't mean he shouldn't be suspicious.
Luke, continuing to ignore anything that might be brewing, looked at the two Laxni Rebels. "Have you guys been with the Alliance for long?"
The older guy shook his head. "I signed on a few months back."
"Is this your first mission?"
"No." The old guy didn't seem like he wanted to talk. He was very focused on his meal. "Been on a few."
"Then you know they don't always turn out like this."
"I know we were left behind." He took a bite and didn't seem to mind it as much as Luke. "I know Fron wasn't too concerned what happened to us."
"We got out." Han took a step forward. "Mission accomplished. Transport coming in the morning."
He was waiting for one of them to say something about Leia. He got that they were angry, he felt it, too, but he wasn't going to sit back and listen to anyone blame her for anything that went wrong.
"We lost Lyysha. We should have been in the clear."
R2 started with his beeping again and the older Rebel scowled at him.
"What's with that droid?"
The other Rebel, the guy who was piloting their ship until Han pulled him out the seat, cleared his throat. It was dark with only the growing fire providing light but Han could see the stress lines.
"The blast got us right after take-off. The fire was too far gone by the time I realized."
The older guy turned to the pilot. "I'm not saying you're responsible."
"But you're saying someone is." Han took another step. The old guy was bigger than him. Definitely looked stronger. But Han had moves, and maybe the element of surprise.
"Someone is to blame."
"Sure as fuck isn't her." He didn't take another step because Chewie's arm blocked him.
[Not now.]
"You're suddenly the reasonable one?"
[I've always been the reasonable one.]
Wedge was standing, too. Han noted his fellow Corellian was also ready to jump in the mix.
"I think Han's point is that missions can go wrong." Luke kept his seat. He was playing the calm card. "The unexpected can happen."
"Doesn't matter how anything worked before. You need one screw up and that's it." The Rebel stood up, fists clenched. "I'm supposed to trust leadership now?"
"She saved your ass." Han took another step, standing inches away. "If you can't see that, maybe you need yours kicked."
The Rebel shoved Han with both hands, hard against his chest. Han stumbled back against Chewie then leapt forward. He had enough time to take hold of the Rebel's shirt but Chewie yanked him back before he landed a punch. The next thing he knew, Han was standing a couple feet away.
[Not. Now.]
"You heard what he said! You're going to listen to that and do nothing?"
"Everyone needs to calm down." Luke stood between them, holding both arms out like he could stop them if they rushed at each other again.
Han was pretty sure he could get past Luke, if need be, but Chewie was another story. The Wookiee was poised to pull him out again, probably throw him even further, if he made a move.
"I'm not blaming the Princess." The older guy sounded calmer but his firsts were still clenched. "I know what she did back there. And here. But she's not always going to be on mission with me. I was better off when working out of the cell on Dasnard."
Han wasn't ready to completely back down but the guy had a point. Why work with the big guys if they didn't have your back? A lot of these remote cells did a great job at poking holes in Imperial defenses but they were also easily picked off with no back-up. And if one cell didn't know what the others were doing, they sometimes worked at cross purposes. They didn't have long term plans, didn't know how to contact each other. Leia spent a lot of time trying to figure out a solution. For now, it was getting cells to officially join and this was the welcome they gave them.
The pilot stood up and put a hand on the older guy's shoulder.
"Mats, the fight's not here." The pilot was clearly rattled from everything that happened but his voice was steady when talking to his friend. "Maybe we should walk it off."
Luke and Wedge sat down while Han remained standing a few feet away. The fire was finally throwing real light and heat and just in time. The temperature had definitely dropped, even since Han walked out of the woods.
"How's everyone in the tent?" Luke threw a meal pack at Wedge.
"Resting. Knocked out." Wedge looked at the pack then at Luke.
"All we got." Luke shrugged. "How's Leia?"
"Very princess-like." Wedge was still staring at the pack like he wondered if it was worth the risk. "Probably already got her report written by now."
"Did she get her arm fixed up?"
Wedge looked over at Han like he was surprised to see him standing there.
"Cleaned it. Put a bandage on."
"Did she take the bacta shot?"
Wedge shook his head then tore the pack open. "Said she didn't want to waste supplies."
Han looked away, tried not to swear out loud. Of course she didn't. He knew she was scared of needles. Well, maybe not scared exactly but freaked out and avoided them as much as possible. He managed to give her a shot a few times, usually by picking a fight so she wasn't paying so close attention. The last time, as he applied a small bandage after, she raised an eyebrow at him.
"You know, you could try distracting me with kindness sometime."
Han felt a small smile almost creep up and turned away. He wasn't interested in drawing attention to himself. Not for that, at least.
"I'll take her something to eat in a bit." Luke was looking at him. How much did the kid notice? "Guessing she wants a bit of time on her own before we check up on her."
Han wasn't sure if he should be angry at Luke for assuming he wanted to check up on Leia or if he should be angry because Luke thought he should be the one doing it. Instead, Han nodded once and swallowed hard.
"Were you really going to fight that guy? Mats?" Luke was still working his way through his meal and didn't look like the taste was growing on him.
Han rubbed a hand over his chin then around to the back of his head. He didn't know. The anger, thinking that the guy was insulting or blaming Leia, hit him fast. There was a good chance he would've thrown that first punch if Chewie hadn't stepped in.
"You know that wouldn't have helped her. It's definitely not something she wants to add to her report or the debrief."
The kid was doing his responsible adult routine but it didn't set Han off as usual. Luke had a point.
Han recognized an underlying need to make things easier for her, to help or comfort in some way, but it often surfaced as anger or suspicion. He wasn't necessarily angry at her. Sometimes it was his inability to control it. Sometimes because it was something he couldn't fix. A lot of times it was because he wanted it. Wanted her to need him. Wanted to be the guy she sought out.
"And you were going to fight him about nothing. He wasn't even talking about Leia."
"It's never about nothing."
Luke looked at him for a moment then gave a half-smile. "You're probably right."
Han still called Luke the kid but he didn't seem quite so young anymore. He darted around a lot less. Seemed more determined to understand the world around him. Leia called him a seeker and Han thought that was another way of saying hopeless dreamer but maybe she was right. The kid was headed somewhere—he just hadn't figured out where yet.
Luke finished his meal then flattened the empty pack before throwing it into the fire.
"That was truly disgusting."
Wedge laughed. "Yeah. Hard to believe I could miss the meals on base."
Han listened as Luke, Wedge and Chewie talked food and fantasy meals. Luke's Shyriiwook was improving and he was even attempting to translate for Wedge but there were still a few stumbles and Chewie grew more and more frustrated. Han usually got a kick out of this kind of thing, liked hanging out and shooting the shit with Luke and Wedge, but he wasn't in the mood.
"I've got first watch." He realized he'd interrupted their flow when they all stopped talking to look at him. "Gonna go do that."
Definitely not his best exit line but he wasn't going worry about it.
Luke grabbed another meal pack. "Do you want dinner?"
"Nah." Han shook his head. "Might wait till I'm starving."
Luke exhaled air through the corner of mouth. "Won't help. It's a lost cause."
Han moved to the perimeter of their camp. He checked the sensor readings then found a spot to lean up against a tree. With the sounds from camp behind him, the fire crackling, Luke and Wedge still talking about food, Han tried to orient himself. Situate himself in his surroundings but it was difficult when there was only black above.
The canopy of trees was so dense Han couldn't see the sky or the stars. He figured he always knew where he was, never got lost, if he could map out the stars.
His first few times off Corellia were almost overwhelming. He was amazed but he didn't have a chance to appreciate it. Really notice the expanse around him. Probably because he was involved in some scam or scramble that required more of his attention. Harder to notice the little things when he was always fighting for a hold, or maybe his life.
It finally hit him when he was in the Academy. He was sitting in his TIE fighter, waiting for a training exercise to start, suspended in mid-formation, when he noticed there were only stars. After what felt like a lifetime of noise and beings, chaos, a constant buzz of desperation and the hustle, there was nothing. He turned off the comms unit and sat in the silence. There was only him and the stars and the rest of the shit didn't matter.
He'd forgotten about silence. You couldn't avoid noise and other people in a barracks. Or when he was with the Worms on Corellia. He was always hyper aware of his surroundings. Even in sleep he was coiled, ready to jump up, to fight or run. He knew where everyone was supposed to be and if anything was out of place. There was always the sound of shuffling or snoring, talking, crying, coughing.
It was worse in that stretch after Bets and before he took up with the Worms. He was thrown in a home a few times and there was no respite. Kids, guards, staff, they all came at you with equal force. Living on the streets on his own had been a never-ending rush of anxiety. A constant scramble and he felt cold and tired and hungry the entire time. He knew what to do, how to steal and get by. He found an abandoned speeder to sleep in for a while and even tried to fix it up. But he knew everything could be ripped out from under him at any moment and it happened more than once. Just needed one person who wanted it more.
It wasn't easy when he was with Bets but they had each other. She taught him some tricks and it was good having someone looking out for you. He was lucky that he found her, or she found him, or however that worked out.
They were stuck on the streets or alleys sometimes but she had a real knack for finding empty homes and knowing how long they could camp out. He never figured that one out. She had a firm rule that they leave the place like they found it because she didn't want anyone upgrading security systems.
Same thing applied if she found some rich guy to take them in for couple of days, usually while the family was away. Bets convinced them Han was her little brother and needed to come along. A lot of the time, it wasn't half bad. There was always food and he could watch holos or play games if the guy had kids. Han never quite relaxed, always thought he had to act as muscle for Bets even though he was kid and she was almost an adult.
The only time she broke her rule was when she woke Han up in the middle of the night with a black eye and a bloody lip. Han thought he should defend her, fully intended to do whatever needed doing, but Bets shook her head.
"Nah. Already took care of it. Grab as much as you can carry. We're out of here."
Han should have brought whisky. That would have been the smart move. Another disadvantage to not having the Falcon on mission. He looked at the fire and saw the two Laxni Rebels were back and Luke gone.
From his vantage point, he could see the med-tent tucked behind the trees. The edges of the flap were illuminated by the soft light inside. Han was certain Leia took the meal pack Luke handed her and placed it on the ground beside her, promising to eat it later. He also knew Luke wouldn't push her. She'd tell him she needed to finish her report first and Luke would believe her. Han couldn't really fault the kid, though. Leia could be damn convincing.
He crossed his arms over his chest, in part to keep warm but also as a focusing tactic. It was going to be one of those nights when his mind wandered and maybe he shouldn't fight it. It was a downside to whatever he was letting happen with Leia. It stirred up things he tried to keep down.
He didn't mind thinking about Bets. He wasn't going to talk about her but it didn't mind remembering now and then. Spent a lot of years being angry about that one, too, but he found her again, knew she was doing all right. It was the Jaina shit popping up that wasn't doing him any good.
Life with Jaina had a lot of ups and downs. Jaina had a lot of ups and downs. But he'd kept everything locked down for so long that he wasn't sure how many memories he still held. He hadn't opened that door in years. The bits that did resurface, always unbidden, were met with angry denials. He steadfastly refused to acknowledge or admit anything about his life before he hit the streets. He hadn't even told Chewie his mother's name.
Watching Leia try to hold on to her memories, keep them alive, made him think about what he'd lost. Not lost. Discarded. He had clung to them for a long time but eventually couldn't distinguish the good ones from the bad. They all felt like pain. But maybe he should have tried to preserve something.
Once, when Leia sat with him in the cockpit and they both felt the calm, she talked about her first few times in hyperspace and thinking the streaks of stars looked like water.
"I thought we were travelling through water. That space must be one giant ocean."
He didn't tell her that as a kid, he'd never been close to space, let alone hyperspace, and the only body of water he'd seen was the murky water outside the shipyards. But her mentioning oceans and misconceptions made him think of Jaina. Made him want to talk about his mother.
How money was always tight, though he didn't know that until he was older. Every time they moved she had some excuse that made sense to him. The neighbours were loud or too nosy. They should live closer to the park or his school. She needed a south-facing window. But no matter where they landed, or how long they stayed, he always had his own space. Set him up with a cot or mattress in a closet if she had to. Let him decorate it however he wanted, which usually meant some version of a ship or speeder. He always had some place to escape. Somewhere that was all his. That he didn't have that again until he had the Falcon.
But he didn't say anything. He listened to her voice, low and steady. The way she stretched out some words like she was trying to hold on to them longer. She had a deep, rich laugh that knocked him in his solar plexus. That tightening in his chest he was learning to desire and dread. He let her memories warm him and understood the significance of her admissions. That she chose to tell him. He saw the sparkle in her eyes, the reflection of the hypertrails, her slight smile and thought, Fuck, you're beautiful.
The sensor beeped twice. He quickly checked the reading and determined it was an animal, likely drawn in by the light then frightened off by the sounds. Either way, it was now moving in the opposite direction.
"Smart move."
Han had never been a joiner. He always existed somewhere on the outer edges. He had no real complaints. It gave him a good vantage point and access to an easy exit. And until recently, he had no reason to question if it should be any other way.
His longest relationship of any sort was with Chewie and he didn't always know how or why it worked. There was the Wookiee life debt but Han was sure even that had its limits. Chewie had a family and he actively missed them. He wanted to be back on Kashyyyk but it was an occupied planet and Chewie could do more out here, fighting the Empire, sending back resources and supplies when he could. Eventually he'd go home and Han was happy for him. Honestly. The Falcon was the only place Han belonged but he wanted more for his best friend. Chewie, Luke and Leia all deserved more. He liked knowing they'd find it someday.
He watched Luke leave the med-tent and head back to the fire. The pilot must have checked in for a bit—he had a later shift—but the older guy, Mats, was still there. Luke took his same seat again. Wedge handed him the water or whatever he was drinking. It was a scene of comfort and familiarity. Even Mats, a relative stranger, fit into the routine.
Han didn't know what he was going to do when he paid off Jabba. He wouldn't have to be on the run, always looking over his shoulder, but couldn't picture what that might look like. He knew smuggling, it was one of the only jobs he had been any good at, but didn't know if it made sense to him anymore. They could try to hook up with the rebellion again but he wasn't too interested if it wasn't with Luke and Leia. And finding them again, finding her, was acknowledging something he wasn't ready to admit.
Might as well add one more thing to that list.
For a while, Leia was irritated that he rarely revealed anything. But, unless they were fighting and it was one more thing that bugged her, she found it amusing. Often accused him of only offering information when he was too drunk to keep his lies in check.
He would narrow his eyes, challenge her to say more. "All my stories are all true. And I never drink too much."
"Hmmm." She responded with a non-committal nod. "If you say so."
All the times they spent sitting alone together, talking, laughing, whatever, he told himself it was just another way to pass the time until the next run. Until they had enough credits to take off. He didn't care. It didn't matter. Then he'd find himself roaming the corridors on base looking for her. When she didn't come around, especially those last few weeks when she could barely look at him, he felt a mix of anger and longing. He didn't know how to reset the thing he pretended didn't exist.
Now he was standing in a dark forest on Jerebu near a half-blown up ship, watching friends sit around a campfire, wondering if she had checked the bandage on her arm, and thinking about old conversations when it felt like a space they'd carved out on their own.
"I think you're thinking of someone else. That other guy."
"Who?"
Han held a hand a couple inches above his head. "The hair guy."
Leia laughed. "Dommin. Funny that you remembered his hair and not his name. It's a real pattern with you, isn't it?"
A lot of her stories centred around Dommin. A friend from Alderaan whose father did something at the palace. Talking about Dommin usually meant she'd laugh. Seemed like he was someone who got her out of her princess-zone.
Han didn't entirely understand the hair story but the gist was Dommin insisted Alderaanian men should also have a tradition of elaborate hairstyles. He regularly shaped his hair into wild and elaborate styles, all designed to make Leia laugh. Whenever she complained about the amount of time spent on her braids and hair Dommin would roll his eyes in exasperation and say, You have no idea!
"I wonder how many true things you've told me."
Her voice sounded playful, joking, but there was earnestness to it. And while he could have responded with anger, that would've been a fair prediction, he felt his own need for sincerity.
"I've never lied to you, Princess." He wanted her to believe him. "I'll never lie to you."
She paused. Smiled. Gave him a slight nod. He was on the cusp of turning, giving his temper a chance to rise, when she changed tactics.
"What's the most beautiful place you ever visited?" She saw him bristle but pushed through. "Oh, come on. That's not too personal a question. I'm not asking if you lived there or who you were with or any identifying information. Simply wondering what captured the eye of a well-travelled man."
He thought about it long enough that she thought he wasn't going to answer.
"Ma'ni."
When he didn't follow up, she nodded slowly.
"Okay. Now I know."
He thought the conversation was over but Leia wasn't done.
"I've never been to Ma'ni." She turned in the co-pilot seat to face him, pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees. "My father did some refugee work there when I was young but he didn't have many stories. I think he had a difficult time."
"It's a rough place. A lot of it. But there's plenty of good spots if you know where to look." He was talking. Maybe she'd tricked him into it. Maybe he didn't care this time. "I'll take you sometime."
She broke out into a wide grin before catching herself. "That might be nice."
"Not sure that's what I was going for but, sure, we could do nice."
It was no good. He wanted her. He let himself get tangled up in it. He'd barely let himself hope, no wonder, if there was something more to it and it had already been ripped away.
The smell of her drove him mad. Her voice. He imagined what she would sound like when pressed against him. The energy and passion she had when they fought or were on mission put to very different use. He loved the softness of her skin, her lips, the feeling of her fingers through his hair. More than a year later he remembered all those things clearly. He loved that he knew all those things and hated that he'd never get to experience them again.
It was an ache. A ridiculous, overblown, asinine, useless ache. He'd tried fucking other people, ignoring this pull, focussing on all the things about her that set him off, but nothing worked. He wanted her. She filled his fantasies. He didn't have any doubts the sex would be great and he suspected there was more to it. For him. But figuring out how it worked on her end was too big a risk to take.
He only noticed Leia had left the med-tent when she stepped into the light around the campfire. She sat beside Luke, close enough that he could drape an arm over her shoulder and give her a side hug. They were talking, voices too low for Han to hear, but she didn't look too stressed. And it took a few moments for her to give Luke a gentle nudge to move his arm so it wasn't a completely unwanted gesture.
Han checked the chrono. He still had a while on his shift so decided to step into the woods, walk some of the perimeter. He suspected that the darkness was a better match for his mood.
Leia had arrived at the campfire only because it was awkward to stay in the med-tent. The pilot from Laxni wanted to sit with Lt. Ridge and her presence felt like an intrusion. He hadn't said anything, of course, but Leia understood. She left him with instructions on the medications, gathered her things and left.
She tried to focus on the conversation around the fire, participate here and there, but it wasn't enough. Her anxiety demanded more. Her report was finished. She didn't feel comfortable working on her datapad and ignoring everyone else. She could go to her shelter, find it in the dark, but there was no chance for sleep.
"Have you ever been?" Luke nudged her. Gave her a small encouraging smile like she was a child in a sulk.
"The Laxni base? No."
She wasn't really mad at Luke, knew that he was trying to draw her in and keep her from spiralling, but the vague cheer was a bit irritating.
"There's not much to see."
Mats, that was his name. Mats Sunid. From Dasnard. Forty-seven years old. Signed on four and a half months ago. Assigned to the base on Laxni. Shows a propensity for outdoor and field world. High endurance ratings. Prefers working in a team. Has difficulty accepting some orders.
Who doesn't? Leia almost laughed. Some of these rebels were rebels for a reason.
"Unfortunately, we rarely establish a base in a beautiful locale."
"I don't know." Luke shrugged. "Yavin looked pretty good."
"Trust me. Yavin was the exception to the rule." Wedge was sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree. His legs were spread out before him. "At least we could go outside."
The conversation shifted to life on base, food, card games, flight simulators. It was a common language, even for Chewie, though she didn't blame him when he decided to call it a night. He was looking forward to sleeping surrounded by trees. It didn't compare to Kashyyyk but it was better than Osler.
She was stuck on what to do about Colonel Fron. If she told the truth about the mission, expressed her belief that Fron's actions contributed to one death and their crash landing, she risked Fron withdrawing his support. He was the great-nephew of King Jahn of Pynterra, a member of an Elder House. He was a proud, leaning toward the narcissistic, man with connections and money and they needed someone of influence on their side.
If she glossed over the truth, letting Fron's version stand, then he was getting away with it. There was a danger something similar could happen again. She was letting the beings who risked their lives on this mission down. Telling them that politics took precedence over their safety.
But everything was coming apart at the seams and she felt too exhausted to process it all. She maintained her steady, unswerving front but she was second-guessing every move. Every possibility. Having almost no sleep in weeks, maybe it was even months now, didn't help the situation. Her nerves were a mess and her anxiety told her that everything was a screaming emergency. It was very like those early days after Alderaan. The only difference this time around, she was able to hide it. No one could see how angry and helpless she felt. Almost no one.
She needed Bail. Breha. She needed to talk it through, break it down, contemplate it in real world rather than idealistic circumstances. Yes, it would be great if she only ever had to do what was right and just but people were dying. More and more every day. Arrested and persecuted. Things were only going to get worse if they couldn't put a stop to it. If they didn't end the Empire's reign of terror.
"I'd like to try Shili. Everything seems like a long shot but there's always a chance something was missed."
"You want to go to Shili?" How much of this conversation had Leia missed?
"It's just an idea." Luke acted like he needed to sooth her. Like she might fly off the handle at this news. "Tiggis said he met a few Togruta Jedi. Maybe something was left behind. Or someone remembers something."
Until Luke, Leia had never met a Force-sensitive being. The odds were that one or two, at least, must have crossed her path but they would have been careful to reveal nothing. The Emperor's Inquisitors still searched for anyone displaying any affinity to the Force and those beings were swiftly taken away.
An Inquisitor came to Alderaan when Leia was nine years old and she had been very curious to see this man, see what he was like in person, but her parents refused. They sent her to her room, even posted guards since she had a habit of escaping confines even at that age, and told him she was sick and unable to attend the dinner. Her mother said they still had a right as parents to protect her from certain truths. She didn't need to see someone who did the Emperor's bidding with such cruelty.
Leia always assumed they were worried she would say something inappropriate. Make a snide comment about being the Emperor's lackey. They encouraged her independence, raised her to speak her mind and have her own opinions, but at that age she was still working out the decorum part. Or how to use politics to her advantage. It was not uncommon for her to play the pretty princess game then drop a statement she considered an absolute that simply must be said. Her world was very black and white. There was truth and there was falsehood and there was little subjectivity.
She must have been a nightmare to deal with but her parents, though clearly frustrated at times, rarely shut her down. They argued it out, as necessary, and let her discover the complicated truths on her own time.
"You plan on going to Shili and asking around? See who wants to reveal a Jedi affiliation?"
Luke had more sense than this. He was more serious these days. Working hard with his squadron. Did what he could to train as a Jedi. It was insanity to think he could show up on a planet, whether or not it was an Imperial stronghold, and not draw dangerous attention to himself asking about Force users.
Her father believed the galaxy was stronger, better off, when the Jedi served as guardians. They provided the checks and balances the government needed. They were removed from the squabbles and insularity that often set planets and systems against each other. She could see this in Luke. He wasn't removed, per se, but he was becoming more and more thoughtful, level-headed. Less inclined to let his emotions take over.
Leia liked the idea of Luke being the guardian of the galaxy. Seeking and searching and trying to understand. Maybe he should be in charge of the whole darn thing. He might be better suited than her.
"Did Han put you up to this?" She straightened her back. Placed her hands on her thighs to distract herself from pointing.
"No." Luke shook his head. "Why would you think that?"
"Because this sounds like one of his hair-brained schemes."
It would be just like Han to walk into a dangerous situation thinking he could make it up as he went along. Or that what he considered charm, and most everyone else considered bluster, could get him out of any tight spot.
"First off." Luke wrapped his arm over her shoulder again. If he noticed her stiffen at the touch, he didn't react. "It's more of a vague thought than an actual plan. Just thinking ahead."
She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and wondered if her face was red. She tried not to clench her jaw or blink too much. Anything that would give her away. Getting angry in front of Wedge was one thing. He'd seen a few blow-ups over the years. But she didn't know Corporal Sunid. She would look unstable if she suddenly started yelling at Luke. Especially when he was offering her his sympathetic, I'm here for you, Princess face.
"I'm merely suggesting that you proceed with caution."
"Not going to do anything stupid, Leia." He gave her another quick squeeze and she restrained herself from pushing his arm away. "Just thinking out loud."
He was being kind. Reassuring. They had this kind of relationship. She and Luke could be physically affectionate and it was something she enjoyed. Sometimes relied upon. But not now. She didn't want this closeness. She didn't deserve this kindness. Not when she wasn't doing her job. She was getting angry at herself, at Luke, and ready to say, probably a bit too harshly, that she needed space.
"Am I interrupting something?"
No one heard Han walking up to the fire. He was only a few feet away when he spoke and they all jumped. Luke pulled his arm away, not because he was caught doing anything wrong but to turn and face his friend.
"Leia has some concerns about my Jedi investigations."
"Is she concerned that you're wasting time chasing something that doesn't exist?"
She didn't feel right getting mad at thoughtful, kind, reassuring Luke. But she had few issues taking it out on arrogant, evasive, non-committal Han.
"Your lack of belief or faith in anything other than your own overblown sense of self has no bearing on what is actually true or does, in fact, exist."
The small group was quiet for a moment, surprised by her outburst, and Han narrowed his eyes.
"You don't say, Your Highness." He threw some more wood near the fire. "So glad you feel comfortable speaking your mind."
"Luke has important work, a purpose, and I think it's shameful that you try to belittle him in his pursuits."
"Leia." Luke spoke gently, trying to get her attention back on him. "That's not what Han's doing. He's allowed to have his own opinion about the Force."
She didn't turn to look at Luke but kept her gaze on Han. He met it with a hard stare.
"Is there anything else you feel the need to enlighten us on, Captain Solo? Perhaps we've also misunderstood how gravity or hyperspace works."
"Nah, I know better. That princess bubble can get pretty thick."
"Guys, what… Are we still talking about the same thing?"
She broke her stare and turned to Luke. He looked genuinely confused.
"And weren't you just saying that Luke shouldn't go looking for Jedi information?"
Leia turned to Wedge. This was getting more complicated than she intended.
"I was pointing out that there are a number of dangers and concerns in pursuing this information. I wasn't questioning whether or not he should investigate. And I certainly wasn't questioning his faith in the Force."
She didn't want to look at Han. She let her anger rise to the surface, focussed it on him, and worried that she might lose what little control she had if she looked at him again. He was willing to meet her anger. He wasn't going to console her. Help her reign it in. He would let her rage and rant as long as she wanted, needed, and would respond in full force if he wanted.
"Okay, we can probably drop the topic." Luke rested his elbows on his knees. Poked at the fire with one of the sticks that Han just dropped. "Guessing you didn't notice anything out there?"
"Nope."
She knew he was still staring at her. She straightened her back and looked at the other three men.
"I'm up next."
"Thank you, Corporal Sunid." She nodded as the older man stood up. "Do you need anything while you sit on watch?"
Leia didn't think there was anything she could offer but it moved the focus away from the argument.
"No, thanks." He grabbed his rucksack. "Got everything I need."
"Ha! That's who you are!"
Everyone turned to look at Han. The scowl was gone and he had a look of youthful enthusiasm. It was a strange thing to see and Leia didn't know any other way to describe it.
"Mats Sunid. You played for the Dasnard Dynamos." Han looked around the group, expecting someone else to know what he was talking about. "Saw him play in Coronet City when I was a kid. The night you beat the record for most in-season goals."
The Corporal looked almost embarrassed. He rubbed a hand over his jaw.
"That was a good night." Sunid looked at Leia, then Han, then Luke. He wasn't sure who he should be addressing. "Lots happened since then."
"I bet." Han stood with hands on hips, looking proud at making the connection.
Sunid nodded a few times. "I should get at it."
Leia watched as Sunid walked away.
"Knew he looked familiar. Had his trading card."
She glanced at Han. One corner of his mouth was upturned in an almost half smile. He was watching Sunid walk away but lost in the moment. Maybe he was thinking about that game or owning that card and he looked almost happy. Whatever it was, it was a good memory.
She felt a lump in her throat. She was suddenly grateful that he had something he wanted from his childhood. He rarely spoke about his life on Corellia and she really only knew that it was hard. He had no family to speak of and no ties to draw him back. She was an orphan who found a kind and loving home. He seems to have been left to fend for and invent himself.
Leia was too slow in noticing Han staring at her again. His gaze was steady. Not quite pleading but asking her questions she didn't want to answer. She quickly turned away.
They all sat quietly. It felt like an awkward silence to Leia and she did everything to pretend it wasn't. She kept her eyes on the fire, pretending interest in Luke moving the coals and wood around.
"Do we know what time they're getting here?"
She kept her eyes on the fire, ignoring Han's question.
"We should be ready to go for 0700." Wedge looked at his wrist chrono. "Should probably leave Tycho and Ridge till the end. Move them when everything's ready."
Wedge and Luke talked more about morning plans. It wouldn't take long to break camp but they needed to board the transport as quickly as possible. She was only vaguely aware of the discussion. Once or twice she thought of something she could add, offer a better option, but she didn't have the energy. She could take control in the morning. She would make sure their pick-up happened smoothly.
"I'm gonna call it a night."
She didn't look up.
"Get some shut eye before it starts all over again."
He didn't sound angry anymore. She didn't feel angry either. She only felt defeated. Beaten down. Lost.
"Okay, see you in the morning."
She saw Luke and Wedge wave at Han. Heard his footsteps as he walked away. She thought his absence would make her feel better. She could relax if he wasn't watching her. Waiting for her do something and she had no idea what was expected of her. What he wanted.
"I've never seen a smashball game." Luke put his stick down, leaving the fire on its own. "Tatooine wasn't big on professional sports."
She listened as they talked about games and teams and sporting events. Wedge knew a lot and Luke very little. She had been vaguely aware of Alderaan's teams and had to go to a few to show support but they held little interest for her. She liked competition but only when she had a shot at winning.
Her mind was wondering. Would some kind of sporting event help with base morale? Did they have the time and resources to even attempt such a thing? Should she be the one trying to figure this out?
"Maybe you should hit the sack, too."
Once again, she had no idea how much time had passed since last she spoke. She was losing her edge. She had lost her edge. Her edge was in the past tense.
"I'm fine, Luke. Why don't the two of you get some rest? I can keep watch here."
"No way, Princess." Luke smiled. "We've got the schedule worked out. I'm here for a bit longer then Chewie does the last stretch."
She looked between Wedge and Luke, trying to come up with an argument.
"We've got this, Leia." It was Wedge's turn to smile. "You're going to have a hellish day tomorrow with the pick-up then debrief and dealing with High Command. You don't have to sleep but we don't need you here."
Leia released a small laugh. "Just what anyone wants to hear. I'm not needed."
She knew there was no arguing this point and doing so would only insinuate she didn't have confidence in their abilities. She stood up, moved slowly to collect her things and find her rucksack. Wedge and Luke remained silent as if speaking would distract her and keep her at the fire longer.
Leia clutched her bag against her chest and said her goodnights. She had set her shelter up near the medical tent thinking she would be available for an emergency. The low light from the tent lit her path as she made her way through the dark but she didn't stop. She continued on a few meters more, into another small clearing.
His shelter stood flush against the row of trees. Three sides were down and the last, the doorway, was partially clasped open. He was sleeping in his bed roll, lying on his back with one hand tucked beneath his pillow. She looked up at the sky and realized there was some sky to see. He had positioned himself to look at the stars and must have fallen asleep.
She wasn't sure why she didn't stop at her own shelter. Why she found her way here. If she went back now she could work on her datapad, maybe get a few minutes sleep before it started all over again.
She noticed movement and looked back at Han. He was on his side, propped up on one elbow. She didn't turn away this time but also didn't know what she was supposed to do. She didn't know what she was looking for. Asking.
With his other hand, he lifted the top of the bedroll, holding it open for her.
Leia placed her bag inside the shelter and sat down as he closed the last side. She paused to take off her boots then slipped into the bedroll with him. She rolled on to her side with her back to him. His arm rested over her waist and his knees tucked in behind hers. She was sound asleep only seconds later.
They both woke up at the crack of dawn. Leia because the sliver of light woke her. Han because she sat up to find her boots. Neither of them spoke, though she gave him a small smile before grabbing her rucksack and walking back to the main space.
The pick-up happened quickly and as planned. The medic's report was promising. A bacta tank treatment and bed rest should ensure a full recovery. Leia sat with the two injured men in the medical bay all through the journey back to the Lumen. There wasn't anything for her to do, necessarily, but it gave her more time to collect her thoughts before the debrief.
The rest of the day played out as expected. They were met in the hanger by anyone from the Osler or Laxni base then they were all swept off for individual debriefings. It was always much more intense when a mission had problems, in particular injuries or death. Fron and the few on his ship had returned a day earlier and all their reports were in. Leia gave hers then moved through rooms listening in on the other accounts then meeting with High Command.
Mon Mothma, General Dodonna and two other members of High Command were linked in. Leia recused herself for part of the discussion but was brought back in for others. The long day bled into the night, though it was difficult to determine time, and she was almost surprised when Mothma decided to call an end to it. By the time Leia made her way to the Falcon, it was long past dinner time.
"Leia!" Luke and his enthusiasm were in full force. "You made it!"
A small group had gathered. Luke and Wedge, Cyn, and two others she recognized from earlier visits to the Lumen. They worked in the Command Center and Leia suspected Cyn had become friendly with them while waiting for the mission to conclude.
[Have a seat, Princess.] Chewbacca nudged Wedge's shoulder.
Wedge didn't understand what Chewie said but he understood the gesture. He stood up and let Leia slide farther in on the bench then sat back down on the opposite side.
"Do you have anything to report?"
Luke pushed a small bowl of X chips toward her. Leia selected a few. She had developed a real taste for bloddle chips.
"Nothing I can report. Sorry."
"But how are you feeling?" Wedge pulled the bowl towards him. "Ready to take down any members of High Command?"
"Or should I break out the good whisky?" Han followed it up with a wink.
She laughed. She had been so unsure about what she should do when it came to reporting on the mission but everyone at this table seemed to have had no doubts.
"I think I'll drink tea but I'm sure everyone else would enjoy the good whisky."
Han shook his head but laughed. "I'll get the tea, Sweetheart."
There were a few moans and grunts demanding the promised whisky that Han ignored.
Leia turned to Cyn. "What did we miss here? Everyone today was very focused on the debriefs, understandably."
"I'm sure you'll hear all the details but it was mostly quiet. We've had no reports of Imperial assaults though the Emperor's latest communique claimed a cell on Hosian Prime was located and wiped out."
"Is that true?" Luke leaned forward.
Cyn shook her head. "We've heard no reports. Unless it was a cell that we knew nothing about and had no contact with any other rebel in the area and every member was killed or arrested and there were no witnesses and no family left behind, it's a lie."
"Wouldn't be the first time." Leia sighed. Their communications and intelligence teams spent countless hours decoding messages and news reports trying to determine what was true. The intention was to clog the Rebel airwaves with misinformation and it worked half the time.
"Otherwise, there's nothing of interest to report. It was remarkably boring without you lot."
There was some general complaining and laughing as the Lumen techs claimed nothing was boring while they were around and Leia thought she noticed Wedge slide a bit closer to Cyn.
Leia let herself be soothed by the conversation and laughter. She joined in at times. Ate a few more bowls of bloddle chips. Fact checked Luke and Wedge's stories about Rogue exploits. Someone suggested a game of cards. Leia didn't play but sat tucked into the back of the bench clutching her mug with both hands and offering some trash talk comments as needed. Chewie won most of the hands and everyone remained in a good mood, despite losing the small amount of credits in the pot.
By the time everyone was ready to leave, it was quite late. They were scheduled to head back to Osler in the morning, once Leia finished another round of meetings. Cyn and Wedge stood up first and the others followed.
"Do you want me to walk you back to your quarters?" Luke grabbed his jacket from the back of the bench.
"No, that's okay." Leia shook her head. "I'm not really tired yet."
"Do you want more?" Han nodded to her mug.
"That would be great," she said. He took her cup and walked to the galley.
"How are you never tired?" Luke laughed. "I could always use another six hours sleep no matter what I do."
"Fueled by rage and an endless supply of righteous vengeance." She smiled at him.
"And somehow never lose that youthful glow." Luke gave her a bright smile, shouted his goodbye to Han and followed the others out.
[I'm doing the rounds then I'm out.] Chewie gave Leia a light tap on the head and moved toward the ring corridor.
"Okay, pal."
Han returned from the galley, placing the mug in the center of the table. He didn't say anything and she didn't pretend to want more tea. She was already on her knees by the time he sat down and her arms went around his neck.
Their kisses were more fervent, more desperate, than their first time. She leaned in, pressing herself tightly against him as his arms wrapped around her.
His hand went to the back of her head, hers slipped beneath the collar of his shirt. There was nothing tentative about their actions. They were both perfectly clear about what they wanted. They wanted each other. She swung a leg over his lap and felt him hard against her thigh. She paused long enough, pulled her head back so she could look at him. Smile and bite her bottom lip.
His eyes were dark and intense. Full of desire. Leia almost laughed but thought she'd rather kiss him again instead.
"Come on." His voice was a low growl. He pulled her across this lap and placed her beside the bench.
Leia had never liked being manhandled. She was tiny, there was no arguing that point, and did not enjoy anyone proving how easily she could be moved. In this instance, though, she found it thrilling.
He stood beside her and, placing a hand on her lower back, steered her out of the lounge.
"Chewie! Lock her up, would ya?"
Leia heard Chewbacca's acknowledgement from somewhere near the number three hold. She didn't give it another thought as she palmed opened the hatch and entered the captain's quarters.
A/N2: This chapter is incredibly long and would you believe that I actually edited a lot out? I had to post, finally, because I couldn't stop editing.